Ah.  Gary's fics are always interesting to C&C.

Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Tenshi

Angel?  At first I though this might be a Buffy reference.

(Or Eva, or something along the "Touched by an Angel" line,
or Dark Angel, or Angelic Layer, or ...  You get the picture.
Too many possible references.  While you might leave it alone,
trusting that the reader will figure out that none of the above
apply, you might also want the reader to be focused on reading
your fic rather than guessing here.)

"Welcome to Ucchan's. I'll be with you in a minute, sugar."

Tenshi nodded as he sat at the counter. "Sure. Thanks." The waitress
who'd greeted him poured a cupful of dough onto the grill; it sizzled
and steamed as she patted it into shape with a spatula.

Doesn't she normally use two for that?

He ran his eyes furtively across the restaurant, making 
mental notes of the possibilities. A dead mouse in the kitchen.
An anonymous call to the health inspector. It would be easy.

Fast, efficient way to characterize this guy for us; nice touch.
Also raises the possibility that he might turn on Ukyou later
and do something like this.

"Gimme the deluxe," he said. "And a beer. And tell the owner
that I'd like to have a word with her." He nodded toward the
woman in the kimono, obviously the owner, who stood on the
other side pouring tea for another customer.

Kind of lost me here.  Why is he so sure Konatsu is the owner?
In the US, I can see assuming that the elegantly-dressed
hostess must be the owner, while the cook isn't; but Japan is
full of bars and restaurants about the size of Ucchan's, where
it's usually the person behind the counter who's the owner.
Is this just underlining Tenshi's incompetence?

Tenshi took a second look at the young woman. Long, silky ebony hair,

...differing only in the "long" part from any other Japanese woman...

Which is, of course, your point; but there's a minor plausibility
problem in having this guy even notice the "ebony", for the same
reason.

held in place by a ribbon, cascaded down past her flawlessly perfect
face and ample chest to her narrow waist. Four stars. No, five. Five
stars meant that a babe was gorgeous enough that he'd do it with her
then and there, in front of everyone.

Underlining that he's a sleazebag?

pretty face. The kind of guy that women always go nuts over.
And sure enough, Little Miss Restaurant Owner got one look at
him and lit up like a game machine that somebody had just put
a coin in.

That is a very good image, but because it's vivid and because
it again tells us something about the terms in which Tenshi
thinks.

"Ran-chan!" She hopped over to greet him, dropping Tenshi's 
card on the grill where it began to sizzle, smoking as it
quickly blackened and crumbled. "How are you doing?"

Heh.

"Coming right up!" She sounded a bit exasperated. Obviously, 
she wanted to be more than just a waitress to pretty boy. The age-
old story. Girl meets boy, girl gets the hots for boy, but girl over
on the next block has bigger you-know-whats.

Heh.  You never gave us any reaction when he finally saw Akane,
though.

"Flowers?"

"Huh?"

"For Akane. Think it would work? I thought about chocolate, 
but then I'd be too tempted to make fat jokes."

THAT'S pretty oblivious of Ranma.

"Great! Maybe I'll try it." He swatted her on the shoulder
playfully.  "Thanks, Ucchan!"

Going with the "she's just a pal" interpretation for this story?
I thought you didn't like that one?

"I guess if you've got it, you might as well use it," Ukyo said
wistfully. "I can't deny being a little jealous when I look 
at how built
Shampoo is. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a bod like hers that would
make any guy look twice?"

"Once was enough for me," Tenshi sputtered. Just what kind of taste in
women did this Ranma *have?*

The initial mistake was funny; I'm not sure having him miss Ukyou's
implication was.  He's not even listening to his new customer?  Then
again, given the plans he comes up with...

"A script?" Ukyo flipped through the typed sheets of paper. "'An
Okonomiyaki With Love And Dreams, To Go?'"

Tenshi nodded. "It's about a poor, depressed high school student who
gets crapped on by his family and most everyone else. Finally he gets
up, and runs away with his only real friend, who just happens to be an
okonomiyaki restaurateur, and he lives happily ever after."

;) You're going to entitle the play "The Long and Winding Road"?

"There is one stipulation, though," Mr. Tenshi cautioned. "Due to...
insurance regulations... we must require the lead part in the 
play to be performed by...." He pulled out a sheet of paper and
began reading as if quoting directly from it. "'... a martial
artist whose initials are R.S.'"

Heh.  But I think it might've been worthwhile to have that
designation not be unique, at least good for a quick joke.
Say, a not-quite-black belt Rei Shinohara, who happens to be
quite a good actress?  Or a practitioner of Martial Arts Kabuki?
(Well, I've already done that (not that I care); but there's
always Noh?)

"Now listen up!" The voice of Drama Coach Kunren resonated through the
room, with such force that it nearly shook the walls. "This next scene
is a tender dramatic moment featuring the character played by 
Ms. Nikai!

Yuka Nikai = floor of second floor?

It is to be acted with subtlety and tenderness! Is that clear?"

"Yes, teacher," replied aspiring actress Yuka Nikai.

"I can't HEAR you!"

Yuka thrust her head back and her chest as far forward as it would go.
"Yes, teacher!" she said, more loudly than before.

"All right, then! On the count of three, you will commence 
acting! One! Two! THREE! Act! Act!"

Heh.  Nice bit, with the ex-soccer coach.  I can picture the backstage
guys jogging through the auditorium in formation yelling "Fight-o!
Fight-o!"
in unison.

Kunren turned on him angrily. "Since you find this so amusing, Mister
Chapatsu, you can just drop and give me twenty soliloquies! NOW! Move
it, move it!"

"Chapatsu"?  = hair dyed brown?  Or perhaps that's a nickname Kunren
is using, rather than a real family name?

a ten percent discount." She eyed him warily. "*Ten* percent. Not
*fifty* percent, not a *hundred* percent. You got that?"

"Of course I understand what ten percent means, Ukyo-sama." He bowed.
"Enjoy your play!"

Heh.  That IS a dead giveaway that Konatsu's got it wrong...

"I, uh, thought it looked like some guys I knew once. Some guys who I,
er, borrowed money from once, and haven't been able to pay 
back yet. But
it's probably not them." He chuckled nervously. "I mean, running into
those guys would be what, a million-to-one shot."

Heh.

"You borrowed money from the Yakuza?!"

Not so bright, is he?

Ukyo glanced up ahead. They were hurtling at breakneck speed toward a
major intersection, and her stomach tightened as she saw the light
change to red.

She squeezed her eyelids shut. *I can't look... can't look... oh,
Ran-chan....*

Thought you were going to do an explicit play off Zen's "Rock and
a Hard Place" here for a moment.

Yuka entered the stage. "What's this?" she said to Ranma with venom in
her voice. "I thought I told you to scrub the floor!"

"!noitats emaG ym toN" Ranma answered. "!t'nac uoy tuB"

Heh.  

Ranma:  Hey, it takes TALENT to read backwards like that!

"One of our dramatic personnel is currently AWOL, sir. Miss Kuonji was
due here at oh-nineteen-fifty hours and still hasn't shown up. That
makes her--"

Oops.  So much for the plan.

Tsumaranai muttered some choice words under his breath.

"Sir, we--" He glanced down at his clipboard. "Wait, there is 
one other possibility, sir. It's--"

"I don't care!" Tsumaranai blurted out, then lowered his voice to a

Heh.  And we know who this's going to be...

She sat, listening to the voices from the other side of the backstage
curtain. Ran-chan's, and... one other. A voice that Ukyo knew well.

Yep.

"That one's *mine,* you blockhead!" Akane shouted. "Can't you even get
something as simple as this right?"

"Um, oh yeah." He cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"You must believe me! I would never ever insult you or be 
rude to you."

Backstage, a certain okonomiyaki chef began banging her head against a
wall.

Heh.

***

Ukyo's mood instantly brightened as she approached her restaurant. A
line of customers stood outside her door, extending for over a block.
Wow. She'd had no idea Konatsu's cooking was that good.

I'd have thought she'd be alarmed at the sight of the line...

"Oh, really?" Ukyo glared at him forcefully. If he didn't consider the
job she was supposedly paying him for a big deal, there wasn't much
point in continuing the arrangement. Maybe she would just give the
police a quick call and let them take care of things.

"Yeah," he said, unperturbed. "There's plenty more to try."

"What did you have in mind?" she asked cautiously.

That was a quick turnaround.

*Just show him the door,* some voice within her was screaming, but she
couldn't bring herself to do it. The kind of stupidly carefree
self-confidence that he had somehow made it nearly impossible not to
believe in him.

Something like Ranma himself?

that he might be able to provide. If there was *any* chance that he
might be able to sway Ran-chan towards her favor, she *had* 
to take it.  Nothing else mattered.

And that, sad to say, is why she ends up where she does.

"Okay. That'll make it a bit more difficult for us to proceed, but we
can send someone over to investigate. Where does the young lady in
question live?"

"Nerima. Near Furinkan... hello? HELLO?!" The dial tone buzzed in his
ear.

Heh.

am a psychiatrist. You haff vun Akane Tendo living here, no?"

Convenient what the German accent is going to let you do, no?

of the film. The lights came on. "I hope zis vill impress you mit
ze zeriousness of zis matter," the doctor said. "Zese patients 
you saw vere all sufferink from a rare, incurable mental illness
named... er, illness zat ve haffen't come up mit a name for yet.
Most of ze time, zey may appear to be perfectly normal. Zen,

... how convenient indeed...

vun day, ze illness flares up, und
BANG!" Akane flinched noticeably. "Ve got vun more candidate for ze
funny farm, und probably zeveral for ze morgue."

Two, I think. ;)

She threw her arms open. "Ran-chan, I'm *shocked* to find out that
there's *hitting* going on here!"

:) Not going to make it "...shocked, *shocked*, to find out..."

problem! You've seen the way she hits Ranma, haven't you?" He nodded.
"She needs *help!* And if I didn't help her *get* that help, what kind
of friend would I *be?*"

Understanding seemed to dawn in Konatsu's eyes. "I-- I never 
saw it that way before!" He nodded deferentially. 

Oops.  Another miscue on Ukyou's part.

Probably not my best comedy work, but I hope it was
good for a laugh. Please let me know what you thought.

Well, no, I don't think it was your best comedy work.
It did have a few chuckles.  Not sure I'd really advise
that _this_ fic is where you spend any more time, really;
I like "Hearts and Minds" a lot better.  But, if you are
so inclined, I think this could be improved by broadening
things out a bit, going for a few non-Ukyou-related jokes.

Anyway, looking forward to more of H&M.


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