} Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 22:56:17 -0800
} From: Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net>
} > This C&C is made up wholesale by me. You can use it for
} > whatever you want, as long as you recognize that it is a)
} > free, b) by direct implication, valueless, and c) any rude
} > things you say about the C&C might make me cry.
}
} Umm, no offense, but A does not actually imply B.
True enough. But then, the poor logic and reasoning serves
to convey the essence of the message, to wit: you should
take everything I say with a grain of salt. ;)
} > } While the day was only partly cloudy for the Galaxy Police officers,
} > } Ryoko was already in the shadow of a dark downpour. Despite the fact
} > } that it was noon, little enough sunlight broke through the clouds that
} > } the street lights' photo sensors had tripped, turning them on and
} > } illuminating cones of water droplets just as they finished their
} > } kamikaze plunges to the streets and sidewalks. It was a metaphor Ryoko
} > } found entirely too appropriate to the scene at hand.
} >
} > I'd suggest playing up the metaphor a bit more. As it is,
} > it's a bit subtle, which makes it jarring when Ryoko
} > suddenly references it.
}
} Perhaps, but dragging the metaphor on without getting to the business at
} hand would just drag the scene into a sleeper, no?
I'm sorry. What I meant was not to spend more time on the
metaphor, but to use it to a greater degree. For example,
something like "illuminating cones of kamikaze water
droplets as they exploded against the streets and
sidewalks." Or whatever; the idea being to describe the
water as kamikaze pilots, rather than labelling them as
such.
} > Oh, and technically they're photo-detectors, not sensors,
} > but that's a nitpick of immense proportions. ;)
}
} Err, aren't photo-detectors one specific type of sensor? They sense
} light, after all...
Well, yeah. But the sensors on streetlights are detectors.
I *did* say it was an awful nitpick. ;)
} > } Ayeka concentrated, her discomfort with what she had to say, and her
} > } efforts to find a way to sugar coat it, readily obvious to Kiyone.
} >
} > I'm not sure you need the commas in "say, and her" and "coat
} > it, readily".
}
} Perhaps if I replaced them with hyphens? They're intended to bracket
} that phrase, to indicate that both the bracketed bit and the bit before
} it were obvious to Kiyone.
That would work better, I think.
} > } Ayeka gestured to the pad in Mihoshi's hands. "That's got a complete
} > } list of the specific events and problems, but it boils down to
} > } corruption and abuses. In fact, he specifically mentions you as an
} > } example of what the typical Galaxy Police officer is *not*, and as such
} > } offers you and a few other ex-officers, including Mihoshi, citizenship
} > } in our empire as a means of sanctuary from, and I quote, 'the many
} > } enemies that such a model of what police should be, has undoubtedly
} > } acquired during her service in that organization'."
} >
} > No comma after "should be".
}
} Actually, that one was deliberate: the Emperor emphasizing his praise of
} Kiyone, and thus putting a bit more sting into his slap at the GP.
I'm fairly confident that it's not grammatical, as you're
using it to split a single clause.
Bjorn