Woot!  More C&C!

An Important Decision
A Ranma =BD fanfic
by Ginrai

KP: Yeah, a Ginrai fic!

You make it sound like it's a good thing ^_^
 

Warning:  No pre-readers were used at all (and it might show).


KP:  Oh, well.  That's why we're here, ne?

Yup

--------------------------------------------

Leaning against a side of the Tendou Dojo, Ranma stared at the note in =
his
hands.  'Well, here I am....  I wonder where Akane is.'

KP:  Tendou Dojo is a little vague as a descriptor here.  Was he inside =
 or
outside? Or in the entrance?

Inside.  Will change.

Looking around to see who else was here, he asked, "So all of you got a
notice from Akane?"  As they all nodded, he took note of the others.  =
'Pops,
Mr. Tendou, Ryouga... Kunou....  Hmm... Shinnosuke?' Stunned by who the =
last
person was, Ranma approached the broom-carrying boy.  "Hey, Shinnosuke!
Wondering wat'cha doing here?"

KP::  (he took note of the others---> he took note of those gathered)
implies to me that he looked at people other than who he spoke too, =
which I
don't think is true.

Ah, I see what you mean.  Will change.

KP: Stunned by who the last person was  --> Stunned by the presence of =
the
last person(as you have it, it sounds strange, interrupts the flow more =
than
you want it to.

Changed.

The other boy stared back at Ranma, trying to recall who he was, before
shaking his head an replying, "Akane told me she had a very important
decision to make and needed me here."  A longing sigh escaped his lips =
as he
said, "Ah, Akane....  I'm so grateful that I can remember who she was =
and
arrive her on time.  By the way, where is here?"

KP: head _and_ replying,(I'm glad I'm not the only one who drops =
letters
when typing.  ~_^
KP: arrive _here_ on

Heh

Blame this on the fact I wrote it in the morning ^_^

In an attempt to alleviate some of his worry, he walked towards where =
his
father and Soun were conversing.  Hearing parts of what they were =
saying,
which included 'finally uniting the schools' and 'daughter making the =
first
move', caused the pigtailed boy to pause and rethink his action, not =
knowing
what exactly to do.

KP: not knowing what exactly to do.  (I don't know if I can explain =
this,
but I'll try.  The phrase you use there generally acts like causal =
phrase.
He didn't know what to do so...   But in the sentence, 'pigtailed boy
paused' is the action and you've already assigned a cause to.  This in =
a way
invalidates the last phrase making it redundant at best.  I know I =
didn't
explain that well at all, but...

I think I do.  Probably should cut anything after 'action' in the last 
sentence.

"So the foul sorcerer no doubt knows of the reason for this special
occasion-to see the noble Tatewaki Kunou take part in his greatest =
victory
ever.  I had no idea thou is such a gracious loser, Saotome."

KP: thou is such ---> thou art such(Although Kuno speak escapes me and =
I
could very well be wrong on this point.)

No, you're right.

Before anything else could be said to the kendoist, the door to the =
dojo
slid open as a figure stepped through, casting a shadow over all of the
occupants.  Sporting a short-cut black hair and wearing a dress normal =
to
girls going to Furinkan High, utmost attention was paid upon the =
person.
There was, though, something different....

KP:  Short-cut just throws me off, suggest just 'short black hair'  or =
black
hair that was cut short.   Also, I don't think there a subject in that

Will change to 'short black hair'.

sentence? The first phrase is a descriptor of the subject, and the =
second
phrase describes the actions of someone.  But no subject.

Can change it so the sentence starts with 'The figure was sporting...' 
and have 'utmost' start a new sentence.

"Say, Tendou," Genma said, "is it me or does your daughter seem to be =
bigger
than the last time we saw her?"
Nodding his head solemnly, Soun replied, "You're right, Saotome." =
Reaching
what he deemed to be the correct reason for this, tears fell from his =
eyes
as he said joyously, "Isn't it wonderful?  My daughter's already =
pregnant
with Ranma's first child!"  And with that, he pulled out a pair of =
paper
fans and started celebrating with his friend.

KP:  Heh, It's a bit obvious, but it's still amusing.  ^_^

Well, they're hoping for the best.

While the others were in the middle of an uproar over what happened,
Shinnosuke looked carefully at the figure standing in the front.  =
Certain of
what he was seeing, he said, "That's not Akane.  It's a giant chicken!"

KP:  O_o

Not what you were expecting? ^_^

Everything became instantly quiet as everyone stopped what they were =
doing
to stare at the semi-amnesic boy.
"I thought you said you'll always remember Akane," Ryouga said in a =
betrayed
tone, not knowing how one who loved the Tendou girl so much could =
forget how
she looked.
Soun added harshly, "Boy, I can well assure you that I know the =
difference
between my own daughter and a chicken.  And that," he pointed to Akane, =
who
at that moment was pecking the wooden floor in front of her, "is most
certainly Akane!"

KP:  would suggest change Akane to something more vague for effect.  =
(i.e.
"he pointed to the subject of discussion, who..")

Ok

Shinnosuke, though, was adamant with his view.  "But I tell you, it's a
giant chicken!  _A_ _giant_ _chicken_!"
KP: Heh

And, of course, the person with the worst memory of them all realizes 
the truth ^_^

"LIES!" Kunou screamed out in furor, thrusting his bokken forward so =
that
the tip was touching Shinnosuke's nose.  "If you know what's good for =
you,
thou shall not speak any more garbage about the pure Akane Tendou with =
thy
tongue."  Chuckling to himself, he added, "Next thing I know, you shall =
try
to convince me that Saotome and the pigtailed girl are one and the =
same, or
that my peers think that I'm a delusional buffoon.  But the great =
Tatewaki
Kunou can tell a lie from the truth."

KP:  furor--> a furor.  Would also reword, 'so that the ..' to =
something

Will be changed to 'fury'.

like  "thrusting the bokken forward until the tip was..." =20
KP:  You take Kuno in an out of his archaic style dialogue, which is a
little jarring.  Using you and thou in the same sentence.  Stick with =
one.

Ok

<snip>

As everyone inched closer to her, Soun asked, "So, daughter, you've =
made
your choice on who to marry?  Who is it?"

KP:  on whom(whom when it's an object.)  Besides that the phrasing is
awkward to me.  I would suggest something like " your choice concerning =
whom
to marry?" or further untying the potential tongue twister.  "So, =
Daughter,
you've chosen whom you are planning to marry?"

Changed.

Shaking her head sadly, Akane said, "Bak-bak-bak-bak-bak!  Ba-kaw!"
There was dead silence as everyone had a look as if they just saw a =
ghost.
KP:  suggest "..everyone looked as if"

Ditto.

"Bak-bak-bak?" Akane asked, confused.

KP:  I haven't read ahead, so I'm lost as to what is occurring, but =
using
confused implies Akane's POV, so I would suggest "Akane asked, sounding
confused"

Yeah, makes more sense.

<snip>

Sitting next to his best friend, Genma went over all possible excuses =
he
could tell his wife as to why their manly son ends up losing his =
fiancee to
a cross-dressing, girlish ninja.

KP:  ended up loosing

Ok (other than for the 'loosing' part ^_^).

"Ryouga!" Ranma cut in.  "Why are you so worried about who Akane chose?
Don't you have Akari?"
"RANMA!  I...."  Sheepishly, the Lost Boy realized he couldn't think of =
a
good enough reason to tell him.
"Let me guess," Ranma said bluntly, "You couldn't decide between Akane =
or
Akari and so wanted to find a way to have both."
"'Tis the way of a true samurai," Kunou interjected.
KP:  Heh

Explains his actions very well... sort of... ok, not that well at all 
^_^;

<snip>

"One Akane and a-"
KP:  HEH

^_^

Ryouga ended the kendoist's misery by placing a well-timed blow on the =
back
of his head, knocking him out for the next few hours.
Appearing by the door, Shinnosuke said, "See!  I told you that was a =
giant
chicken!"  Looking next to him to see Genma trying to sneak out, he =
asked,
"Who are you?"

KP:  "Looking next to him to see Genma trying to sneak out...." is =
awkward
as it is.  Maybe "Looking next to him, he spotted Genma attempting to =
sneak
out.  "Who are you? He asked."

Sounds better.

One splash of water later:
[Why I'm just a cute panda!] the sign read before Genma-panda, holding =
a
tire in his other hand, turned it around.  [Look what I can do with =
this
tire!]

KP:  I'm not sure what the point of Genma sneaking out is. As is I =
might
consider just removing it, or explaining it.

He's expecting Akane to blow up after hearing they mistook a chicken 
for her and so doesn't want to be anywhere near that place ^_^

<snip>
While they were getting reacquainted with each other, Chicken Boo was =
calmly
walking around, pecking the floor every now and then, not taking notice =
of
the danger he was in.  The sound of someone cracking their knuckles =
brought
his attention to where Ranma was.
KP:  where Ranma stood, glaring menacingly at the chicken in a dress..  =
(I
would also mention something about the proximity of Ranma to Chicken =
Boo.)

Ok

<spit>

Within a split-second, Chicken Boo was hurtled out of the dojo and into =
the
air.

KP:  would suggest " hurtled through the dojo's roof disappearing over =
the
horizon."  (just to give it a little more oompth)

Ditto

Akane smiled brightly at that.  "Well, everyone knows how Ranma keeps =
going
out to be around Shampoo and Ukyou, right?  Not that I care or =
anything, but
I wondered to myself just what did they have that I didn't."
Ryouga cut Ranma off before he could have said anything.

KP:  I realize I'm being nitpicky, but..    the phrasing you use begs =
for
another word, describing what he could have said.  (i.e. said anything
stupid, insulting, degrading, etc..)  otherwise I would change to =
"before he
could say anything".  The only reason is it sounds better to me. =20

After sending it I realized a bit more should have been added there.  
Will change.

"After some deep thinking, I realized what it was.  And so...." =
Everyone
closed in to hear what it was.  "I'm going to open my own restaurant!"

KP:  HEH

She said it was important ^_^

Everyone except Shinnosuke facefaulted.
"Nabiki said she was going to get someone here today that would help =
out
with the advertising.  I wonder where could he be."  Holding that off =
as
something to question her sister about later on, Akane asked, "So what =
do
you think of the idea?"

KP:  so the chicken is explained.

See!  There's a good reason Chicken Boo was in Nerima ^_^

Shinnosuke finally broke the silence by saying, "I think that's a =
wonderful
idea!  Everyone knows how good a cook you are!"
Smiling at him, Akane said, "Thanks!  What about everyone else?"
Wanting to hear her fiance's answer first, she turned towards Ranma.
"You know," the pigtailed boy said, "I think I felt a whole lot better =
when
it involved the other decision."

KP:  Heh

Having to choose the lesser of two evils ^_^

***


--------------------------------------------

A long time ago, after reading a fanfic called 'Tenchi Booyo!' by Mike
Fenton (http://www.tmffa.com/x/tenchi_booyo.txt)
<http://www.tmffa.com/x/tenchi_booyo.txt)> , I had an idea for a Ranma =
fic
involving Chicken Boo.

Here's hoping it gave a few laughs.

KP:  It did.  ^_^ =20

Glad to hear that ^_^

KP:  Hopefully my comments prove a little helpful. ~_^  =20

They were.

Thanks for the C&C!

Ginrai

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