My comments@@
It's ONLY my opinion. If (and ONLY if)
you agree with what I say should you take
it seriously.


I've read and C&C'd. Here are my conclusions, which
are repeated at the end of my line-by-line (more or less) C&C.


Overall:
Some interesting points and some good writing when
it's YOUR story and not a re-telling of the original
anime/manga. I want to hear more of your story.
The re-telling bogged the story down too much.
While you spend a great deal of time on re-telling
JCA and SM you didn't put much effort at all into
introducing your NC, Zhou. She actually quite interesting but is almost in 
danger of becoming
an Annoying NC, so I'd tone down her beauty, marital
arts, senshi-ness, etc. And give her some flaws or something to make her 
more human and interesting. You've also spent 90% of this chapter just 
introducing the cast, but not much interesting is going on to hold the 
readers attention.
As for CCS . . .well, it's hard for me to be objective I dislike the NA dub 
names so much. But the characterizations
didn't seem at all close to the original anime or what little
I know of the manga. And what seemed like a gratuitous
insertion of Kodachi was annoying. She just slowed the story
for no good purpose that I could see.

There's nothing wrong with the story as a whole. When you were telling your 
story it really sparkled. I loved what you did with Jade and Akane. It's 
not the story so much as you've got too much going on. It slows the pace of 
the story. But it's only my opinion that the pace was too slow and for every
reader who feels as I do, I bet you can find three or ten who feel
the opposite.

MY recommendations (for what they're worth)

EDIT . . .cut out all the characters and interactions
that are not essential to move the story and plot.
I've given some examples in the text, but go back over the story
  and pretend that you've got to pay $0.25/word to post
  the story. THEN, delete everything you don't have to have.
I generally recommend cutting 1/5 of any draft to begin with.
That forces you to make the very best word choices, develop sentence
structure, improve timing, etc.

Do you NEED the scene in the comic store?
Do you NEED Uncle?  Captain Black?
Do you NEED Kodachi?
Do you NEED the Ranma cast at all? Or just Zhu?
If you only need Zhu, why involve the Ranma
cast at all? Since Zhu is already a senshi you
only need the SM cast, and then only briefly if
at all.
YOu're using Zhu to get the CCS cast to China but
Sakura has had a dream, there's a letter coming as well.
Frankly, if CCS didn't need Zhu to get them to Hong Kong
in the CCS Movie, I don't know why she'd needed now. Zhu
can get to China on her own w/o CCS or Kodachi or Ranma, etc.

How MUCH do you need to re-tell of 'original' series?
And you've spent a great deal of time 'telling' about
almost every character except one . . .Zhu Shu. And
she NEED telling, since she's a New Character. ^_*

Frankly you've got two Magical Girls (CCS/SM)
and two Martial Arts series (Ranma/JCA). Do you
NEED all of this?

Do you NEED Ranma cast? I think you can get rid of the Ranma
cast entirely, based on chapter one. IF you're going
to NEED them later in the story, then keep them, but
I'd still minimize.

Do you NEED SM cast? You've eliminated them
so quickly, I can't see why you brought them in the
story to begin with.

Do you NEED Zhu? If so, can you introduce her
another way? Without the doujou and trips to the mall?

You may actually need ALL of these characters later
in the story, but do you NEED to introduce them all NOW?
Get your primary cast on-scene FAST, so you can get to the
real story. You've got a good story here, but you've buried
it under unnecessary detail and extraneous characters.
In My Opinion ONLY.


      Curse of the  Banshee[FFML][Fanfic][SM/JCA/CCS]


                             Chapter One: An Island in the Mist

   [Disclaimer list: characters from Sailor Moon, Jackie Chan
  Adventures, and Cardcaptors are not used by permission, but for
  fun and entertainment. Believe me, as you read on, this combo
  WILL make sense. I must ask Japanese-speaking fans to please
  not be offended by my use of American names during the course
  of this story. I am more familiar with these names than the
  Japanese ones, despite the fact that this story is a sideline of
  Ranma 1/2: The Mandarin. Speaking of Ranma, characters from
  that which may make cameo appearances are also not used by
  permission.

  Song Zhu Shu, however, IS used by permission, as well as the
  encouragement of the author (I guess it's a perk of being his
  real-life fianc,e). However, Curse of the Banshee is the prequel to
  an original anime-style series I am developing. So let me know
  what you think, and happy reading!

  One more note - I spell magick with a k. This is not a misspelling,
  but a differentiation between, say, Clow cards and sleight-of-hand.
  Magick is real; magic is illusion.]


@@Introduction is much too long and involved.
Everything mentioned should be addressed in
the context of the story.

Regarding "Names":
Why am I sensitive to "the use of original names."?

For one thing, I feel that the author of the original story
  chose the names for a reason. Especially true for many
  Japanese stories. Sailor Moon being an good example
with each name having a specific meaning that is
significant within the story.
For example: (From Castle in the Sky-Sailor Moon)

Tuskino Usagi : tsuki means "moon", usagi means
  rabbit and Tsukino Usagi means "rabbit of the moon".
This refers to a Japanese legend that a rabbit that
  lives on the moon and makes mochi (a sticky rice delicacy).
According to this custom, you can see the shape of a
rabbit in the face of the full Moon. In other words
Tsukino Usagi  is the Japanese equivalent of
'the man in the moon'

Mizuno Ami: mizu or sui means "water". sei
means star or heavenly body. suisei is the
Japanese name for the planet Mercury

Hino Rei: hi or ka means "fire". kasei means the planet Mars

Kino Makoto: ki or moku means "tree". mokusei
  means the planet Jupiter

Aino Minako: ai means "love". mi or bi means "beautiful".
The name for the planet Venus in Japanese is kinsei
(kin means "gold"). However, because Japanese symbols
(kanji) can have more than one pronunciation depending
on the context, the symbols mi-na-ko can also be
  read as bi-na-su. binasu is how Japanese would
  pronounce the word "Venus".

More specifically for CCS:

Tomoyo:
Tomo means friend or attendant.
yo is a common ending for female names.

Sakura:
Cherry Blossom. Sakura is commonly
used in the names of Japanese heroines
due to the sacred nature of Cherry Trees in
Japan.






  Names have a lot of meaning and, Shakespeare
not withstanding,  a rose by any other name might
  smell as sweet, but it  wouldn't be a rose. Serena is
NOT Usagi, Madison is NOT Tomoyo.  When you change the names, you change
who the character is, how that character is perceived.
When writing 'original' fiction, a lot of time and effort
goes into choosing names of people and things.
(For example, in the original Star Trek they spent
months trying to pick the right name for the captain
of the Enterprise, before deciding on James Kirk)
The substitute names are chosen much less carefully.
And there is NO good reason for the change, IMO.

And finally, I object to using carelessly chosen
'Western' names for Asian characters supposedly
living in Japan or China.


In my own writing I spend a lot of time on names
of new characters. Sometimes as much as ten or
twenty hours (the longest was a about twenty two)
just trying to find precisely the right name. So, almost
without exception, if I find a story with names that
are changed for no good reason from the original, or
if there is a new character with what I consider an
inappropriate name, I don't read any further. This
is not anything new. Ben Bova and Roger Zelazny
(among others) have written on the CRITICAL
importance of choosing place names and proper names
when writing fiction.

@@@@@@@@@


  ***Lan Tao, Southern Hong Kong*** Purple-orange light danced
  through the sky as a far-off storm roiled over the strait of
  Zhujiangkou, its clouds playing tag with the sunset. Lightning
  rippled through them as though waving the sun farewell for the
  evening, probably causing the people of Macau to dash for cover
  before the heavy storm hit.

  The light, however, was not sufficient enough for the young girl on
  the beach to write by. She squinted in the dim light, trying to read
  the elegant characters she had drawn on the yellowed parchment.

@@Not bad. But, if the light is 'not sufficient' to write by,
how can she read? And what's with the 'yellowed parchment'?
Parchment is VERY expensive compared to paper and it is
yellow due to age OR if there is a problem getting the right
bleaching agents during preparation. (That's why many documents
dating from the American Revolution are not white.
(Not counting age related changes) Embargo's
of critical supplies from England and Europe forced the Founding
Fathers (and Mothers) to make do with what was on hand)

@@@@@

  "Dear Li," she read aloud. "It's good to be back in Hong Kong, but
  I miss Tokyo.

@@Ummm . . .she might miss her friends or Li. From
what I've read and from people I've talked to NO ONE
misses Tokyo, especially if it's a choice between Hong Kong.

Also, she should be writing to him
as "Sharon". His family name is 'Li'
as is hers.
@@@@
Grandmother is doing well, slowly recovering, but
  getting better. Things have changed, though..."

@@Good. Gets readers attention. I'd start with this and
work in the atmosphere. Leave out the bit about the light
and reading/writing.

  She trailed off, looking at an island to the south. Rising high in the
  distance, she could see the tall, silver towers that had appeared
  on the island during the semester she'd been away in Tokyo. Four
  months ago, that island had been green on sunny days, and
  shrouded in mist on darker ones. On those days, when she was
  younger, she used to pretend it was an enchanted island, with
  spirits that would whisk her away and beg her to marry their
  prince.

  She was not that much older than those carefree days - ten years
  old, now, but a foot taller and almost a full deck of Clow cards
  later.

@@If this is Li Mei Ling? She doesn't have any cards.
She has no magic. (She also appears only in the anime,
not in the manga, to the best of my knowledge.)

Now, if those spirits tried to whisk her away, she would have
  to refuse their offer, because her heart belonged to another. She
  had followed Li Shaoron to Tokyo in her love, had even defended
  him against a powerful Clow card, a dangerous one - the Fight
  Card.

  Li Meilin smiled at the memory of her endurance against this
  magickal enemy. Once, it had brought her only guilt, but she
  recalled the words of her friend Sakura: "You're part of the team,
  Meilin!"

@@Yep. Mei Ling. This quote doesn't sound quite right. I'll
have to look through my tapes until I find that episode, but
it doesn't seem quite like what Sakura did/would say.
I'll have to say now that I found the NA dubs so bad that
I could only watch them with the sound OFF. They completely
changed the story line, reduced Sakura in importance and
increased the male roles. Can you say sexist? And racist,
  since they eliminated countless specific references to either
Japan or China.

  And because she was part of a team, she had to let the team
  know there was danger from a new source.

  The spirits of the misty island would never come to her, now. In
  their place were the towers, hard blades stabbing into the sky. In
  the twilight, bright lights shone over the island, warning airplanes of
  their presence, and to keep clear. Little of the green was left.

  However, whenever she asked anyone in the village about the new
  structure, they would dodge her questions and turn the subject.
  Meilin was not accustomed to being denied things, so at first this
  irked her. As time passed, though, she began to realize people
  were SCARED of this place, and she began to wonder why. As
  more of her kinsmen refused to answer her questions, she grew
  more and more desperate to find out what they found so
  threatening.

  Every evening, just after sunset, a helicopter flew into the island. It
  was not a normal helicopter, and Meilin couldn't tell where it came
  from, only that it did not come from her island home of Lan Tao. It
  had a strange design to it, almost as though it were some sort of
  insect. There was some sort of symbol on the side, but Meilin
  could not make it out, not even with binoculars.

@@A little too ambiguous here.
EXAMPLE:

      Every evening, just after sunset, a _something_ flew into the island. It
  was not a like any helicopter, or airplane Mei Ling had ever seen, looking
more like a giant dragonfly. It always came to the island from a different 
direction,
appearing suddenly as a small dot on the horizon, then darting for a landing
on the island. Even with the big electronically stabilized binoculars
she had 'borrowed', the craft was never anything but a blur, the dark
markings along it's flanks indecipherable.


@@@@This is NOT the only way to do this, but it illustrates a couple of
points.
1)A helicopter is NOT an insect. Does not look like
an insect. If Mei Ling calls it a helicopter,
then if must LOOK like a helicopter. But, later it looks
like an insect.  That disconnect has got to be addressed.
2)IMO, saying that she doesn't know where 'it' comes
from, only that it doesn't come from her home isn't
very informative.

I'm using descriptive action to add detail and
atmosphere.

*****


It would land, and,
  as she found out one very long night, stay until almost sunrise.
  Then, it would leave again, heading north, toward the mainland.
  None of this would have been very sinister to her had the others in
  her clan not been so intimidated by the island itself.

@@OK, I've got a problem with this 'no one will talk' bit.
It's pretty much a cliche, IMO.  They're going to say
_something_, even if it's only "Because I say so".
And, the 'clan' is going to talk among them selves,
rumors will fly, children will overhear parents talking,
servants will gossip, etc. Mei Ling is going to
hear something!

Now I'll take the opposite view. Let's assume
that Mei Ling actually does hear 'nothing'.
Silence. Complete blank. The entire clan
is going "Island? What Island?' That in
itself is so unusual that you MUST spend
more time on that. Show more of Mei Ling's
interaction with the 'clan', rather than just
telling us. At least show more of Mei Ling's
frustration, perhaps with some internal dialogue
to the effect that she's not even hearing rumors, or
gossip about the island.

@@@@@@@@@@@

  She looked down at her letter to Li, a dark cloud crossing over her
  face. She crumpled the parchment in frustration and rose, thankful
  she had tied her waist-length blue-black hair into full odangos and
  not the pigtailed ones she normally wore. The wind was picking
  up, whistling in her ears as she looked out from her perch to the
  distant island. It wasn't even part of Hong Kong, and she didn't
  know what country it belonged to. China, like the islands around
  her own? Portugal, like Macau? Or was it simply the property of
  those silver spikes?

@@Ummm . . .you don't say how high her 'perch' is,
so I can't tell how far she can see and therefore how
distant the island. Macau is a Special Administrative
Region of China. It reverted to Chinese sovereignty
  on December 20,1999.  There are a fair number of
islands under 'dispute' in the South China Sea
  (the Nansha or Spratly Islands) but they're
about 500 miles distant and perhaps a bit far
for Mei Ling to observe from Hong Kong.
There are a lot of little islands around
Hong Kong, but I think the best you could
do for a story is say they were under dispute,
not that she didn't know who they belonged too.
A call to National Geographic would tell you that.
Or to the Chinese equivalent of the Coast Guard.
Now it's possible that she's looking at the Chinese
equivalent of Groom Lake (Area 51) in NV which
'officially' does not exits. Even though there's a public road,
fence, guards, signs, etc. That's very possible, but
you need to put that in the story.

EXAMPLE:
A call to the local Coast Guard office told her
nothing. Officially the island did not exist. It
didn't appear on any navigational chart and
aerial photographs had been carefully airbrushed.
The closest she'd come was an obscure reference
in the maritime library to a ships log from
the 1850's.  The log-book itself was missing.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

  "WHO ARE YOU?!!?" she cried out, her words carried away on
  the wind. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FAMILY?!!?"

@@Good.

  Hot tears appeared in her eyes as the helicopter flew in for its
  landing, coming from somewhere in the south. She narrowed her
  eyes, using the back of her sleeve to wipe the tears away,
  watching the helicopter's descent into the spires. When it was out
  of sight, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  "Force," she whispered, as she had heard Li do many times. "Hear
  my plight, release the light!"

  Inside her mind, she envisioned this incantation flooding a warm,
  calming glow over her, nourishing her body and her soul with
  tranquility. It always worked when she was alone and upset.
  Unfortunately, she still couldn't use it to control her temper, no
  matter how hard she tried.

@@Now, is this supposed to be magic? Or Martial arts?
Because Mei Ling can't do magic.

  Worse yet, it only marginally worked now. She was calm, but rage
  still burned in the pit of her stomach as she took one last look at
  the island. She saved that rage, and fanned it within her, hoping
  that with it, she could say the right words to Li to make him come
  back to Lan Tao and help her rid their family of this threat. When
  she thought she had it close to right, she mailed it out...


@@Errrr . . .how about:

Dear Li,
       How are you? I am fine. Except for the mysterious
Island and the giant insect-like helicopter that is terrorizing
the entire clan. I'm probably being silly, because other than
Clow Cards running wild, being kidnaped by the dead
girl friend of Clow and the occasional intrusion from the
spirit world nothing ever happens, but I'm beginning to
get a little worried. Please don't worry about me. I'm
just going to sit out here in the middle of nowhere
in the middle of the night and watch insect-like
helicopters with mysterious marking make
secret trips to an island with an evil aura, so
nothing at all could possibly go wrong. Just to
make sure I'm going to swim naked in
the moonlight, then try to sneak onto the island by
myself.
Love,
Mei Ling

ps. HELP!!!!!!!!


@@@@@

(In slasher films it's traditional
to go skinny dipping or take a
shower when ever something
strange or terrible is going on.)

^_O

@@@What right words does she need?
All she has to do is say "help"
In fact, why write? Why not get on the phone and call?
Actually she could be cautious because she's afraid
that the wrong people might read her letter or
listen in on her call. The PRC routinely monitors
mail/phone/conversation. And, of course, these
new Bad Guys (BGs) may have their own spies.
But you need to bring this up within the story line
as an explanation. This could also explain using
parchment, if you show that the parchment
is 'magical' and therefore immune to being
read by other than the intended recipient. This
would explain both why she's writing and using
parchment.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

  ***New Kowloon, Mainland Hong Kong*** "But Jackie, if you take
  me back to Mom and Dad's house, they'll want me to stay!"

  Jackie Chan raised an eyebrow at his niece, Jade.

  "Is that a bad thing?" he asked. "They're your parents!"

  Jade looked down, kicking at the ground. As always, Jackie was
  right, and she hated when Jackie was right.

  "I know," she said. "And I wouldn't have come here if I didn't miss
  them and worry about them." She looked up at him, her eyes
  pleading. "But I wanna stay with you."

  Jackie Chan, global adventurer and famous martial artist,

@@Errr . . .don't editorialize. You can work in the
'Global adventurer, etc.' into the story when and if
it's necessary.

  felt his
  knees weaken at the sight of his niece's puppy-dog look, and once
  again marveled at how much an eleven-year-old could change his
  whole life. Jade was a nuisance, a pest, always getting into
  trouble that HE had to save her from. In fact, she was only even in
  Hong Kong with him because she had stowed away on one of
  Section 13's helicopters - piloted, no less, by the infamous criminal
  Valmont and his gang of thugs during their escape from Section
  13's headquarters - when they had come here to stop the demon
  Shendu from opening a rift into another dimension.

  However, it was ALSO because of Jade that the demon had been
  stopped, even if she HAD managed to create similar rifts all over
  the world. That part of it wasn't really her fault - she hadn't known.
  She just aimed the Dragon talisman at the demon's statue form
  and shot it with the talisman's magickal fire beam. *[Episode 13,
  Jackie Chan Adventures]

@@Errrrrk . . .Author Intrusion! Danger! Danger!
This isn't just breaking the Fourth Wall, it's smashing it
to dust.

  More than that, Jade had worked her way into Jackie's heart in a
  way he never expected. She made him feel warm, proud, and
  scared, all at once. He worried about her when she got into
  trouble, even though she was almost as skilled as he was in the
  martial arts, if not as disciplined or experienced. She had
  nicknamed them the J-Team, a nickname he adored as much as
  he adored his spirited niece. All these feelings confused him, made
  him giddy and uneasy all at once. Many times, he wondered what
  they were.

  And now, he wanted to tell her that life in San Francisco would not
  be the same without her, that there would be a gaping hole in his
  life if she wasn't there. He'd been in love with many women before,
  but his love for Jade was a new experience, and it took all of his
  strength not to wrap her up in his arms and tell her she could live
  with him forever.

  As it was, he couldn't tell her the truth, that she HAD to go back.

@@This entire section, IMO, acts as a giant speed bump
to the story. Most of this information is not necessary
to the story at this time. The rest can be added into the dialogue
as needed. Not in large, indigestible chunks.
@@@@@@

  "We'll see," he said. "Your parents may want you to stay, but if
  they approve, we'll see."

  Even his most favorite girlfriend had been unable to get him to lie
  like this, even in such a small way. Why could this little girl?

  Fortunately, there were stronger heads about.

  "Jade learn nothing of family honor since coming to San
  Francisco?" asked the old man who had stepped out of the kiosk
  beside them. Munching on a rice ball, the wild haired skinny man
  added, "One must honor parents above all."

  "Uncle is right, Jade," Jackie nodded in agreement. "You can
  come back and visit any time you like, but I'm afraid your parents
  would miss you if you didn't go home to them."

  Jade burst out in tears, unable to fight the frustration any longer.

  "I don't want to go back!" she cried out. "But I will - WHEN I'm
  good and ready - because I now know you don't want me!" She
  turned and ran off before Jackie could grab the hood of her
  ever-present red sweatshirt. However, the words he heard
  stopped him more than her speed. "Hmph - J-Team - to think I
  thought we were PARTNERS - "

  As painful as the angry exclamation was the white-hot fire that
  suddenly burned his earlobe. Uncle, looking like Goliath despite his
  shorter height, was blazing holes into the back of Jackie's head
  with his eyes.

  "Never, EVER let me see you lie to child again, Jackie," he said
  sternly, letting go of Jackie's ear.

  "Lie?" Jackie asked, bewildered.

  "Yes, lie, like Chinese rug," Uncle said, his mouth full of rice ball.
  As abruptly as his anger had surged, it was gone. He'd made his
  point; it was open for discussion, but more importantly, it was
  addressed. "If head says sky blue, but heart says sky wide, what
  you believe?"

  "But, Uncle, both of those things are true," Jackie felt more and
  more like a little boy being lectured by his sensei. Uncle always
  seemed to have that effect on him, especially since the talismans
  and Section 13 had come into their lives.

  "Ah, but head cannot soar like heart can," Uncle stuffed another
  mouthful of the rice ball in his mouth before walking away with a
  wink. He went into the direction Jade had gone.

  "Uncle! Where are you going? Shouldn't we look for Jade?" Jackie
  asked, chasing after him.

  "Of course," Uncle nodded. "But will be short hunt."

@@Ummm . . .and exactly what was this section for?
One of the problems with writing fanfiction is dealing
with know characters and situations. Another is that
you don't know how much your readers already know.
Which leaves you in the position of telling too much or
too little, leaving the reader bored or ignorant. In any case
you always need to concentrate on good story telling.
And I found this section slow and confusing. Read
over it and decide what information is critical to the
story, what information is necessary for characterization.
Then blend it into the story, SHOW, don't just tell.
There's also a matter of timing.  IMO, WHEN you
let the reader know something is just as important
as what.

  Jade had not gone very far before being distracted by what she
  took to be a comic shop. Indeed, it was the equivalent of one -
  manga from all over the Orient was prominently displayed, and
  Jade was completely engrossed in an issue of Dragonball Z. She
  had noticed neither Jackie nor Uncle.

  "Yeah, you get 'em, Goku!" she said, reaching a particularly
  exciting frame.

  Jackie smiled, thinking about Superman. As a young child, he'd
  enjoyed those comics as much as Jade enjoyed hers, whether her
  manga or her Troll Cop comics. For an Oriental girl from Hong
  Kong, she was almost more American than he - even the manga
  were in English.

@@Huh??? Where did Superman come from?
Again, unless this information is critical to the story
delete it. IF it is critical, weave it into the story, don't
drop it in large chunks.  There is an exception to this.
If you read Georgette Heyer (Regency Romance writer)
or Robert A. Heinlein or Robert Forward (Science Fiction)
or Mercedes Lackey (fantasy) you will commonly find
large chunks of description/exposition. BECAUSE, they
are describing things that no longer exist, don't exist yet,
or have never existed (or, or just very uncommon) and
therefore the average reader is not familiar with it.
Examples include, orcs, dragons, hyper-space, neutron stars,
etc. etc.  There is a place for it, but it needs to be used carefully
and it must be interesting. But you're never going
to satisfy all your readers no matter what you do. ^_*

In this case I think this section needs a great deal
of editing to get the story moving again. Other readers
may well LOVE it as written. As the author you're going
to have to put the story aside for a while, then go back
and try to read it as if you were coming at it cold. Try
to decide what works and what doesn't.

@@@@@

  Putting a finger to his lips, he motioned to the shopkeeper that he
  would pay for the manga. The shopkeeper winked at him as he
  made Jackie's change. Jackie pushed Uncle around the corner,
  and they waited for Jade to come out.

  Jade sighed. She knew Jackie was right, and Uncle, too. But she
  had so much fun with Jackie, and she had to admit, she learned a
  lot, too. When Shendu had threatened all of Asia, she was faced
  with the very real consequences of losing her parents as failure.
  However, she had used all the strengths she had, and helped
  Jackie defeat the evil demon before he had a chance to harm
  anyone. She and Jackie had saved the world together - how could
  she leave him after doing something like that?

  Over the forty-eight hours since they'd arrived in Hong Kong, the
  importance of that did not escape her. In fact, the more she
  thought about it, the more it weighed on her. Would she ever get
  to save the world again? Would she do it alone, or with Jackie and
  Uncle? If she did it alone, would it be as much fun?

@@Foreshadowing. ^_^ IMO this would be cute if it weren't
bogged down is so much 'fluff'. Get to this much faster. I'd start
the JCA section with this paragraph. A tiny bit of editing to segue to
it from the CCS section. But this is the interesting part. The rest
is, IMO, unnecessary.


EXAMPLE::

the end of the CCS:

  . . . hoping  that with it, she could say the right words
  to Li to make him come  back to Lan Tao and help her
  rid their family of this threat. When
  she thought she had it close to right, she mailed it out...


***New Kowloon, Mainland Hong Kong*** "But Jackie, if you take
  me back to Mom and Dad's house, they'll want me to stay!"

  Jackie Chan raised an eyebrow at his niece, Jade.

  "Is that a bad thing?" he asked. "They're your parents!"

  Jade looked down, kicking at the ground. As always, Jackie was
  right, and she hated when Jackie was right.

  "I know," she said. "And I wouldn't have come here if I didn't miss
  them and worry about them." She looked up at him, her eyes
  pleading. "But I wanna stay with you."

"Your parents miss you. It would be selfish not to spend
a little time with them now that you're here."


Jade sighed. She knew Jackie was right, and Uncle, too. But she
  had so much fun with Jackie, and she had to admit, she learned a
  lot, too. When Shendu had threatened all of Asia, she was faced
  with the very real consequences of losing her parents as failure.
  However, she had used all the strengths she had, and helped
  Jackie defeat the evil demon before he had a chance to harm
  anyone. She and Jackie had saved the world together - how could
  she leave him after doing something like that?

  Over the forty-eight hours since they'd arrived in Hong Kong, the
  importance of that did not escape her. In fact, the more she
  thought about it, the more it weighed on her. Would she ever get
  to save the world again? Would she do it alone, or with Jackie and
  Uncle? If she did it alone, would it be as much fun?


@@I added a single line of "Jackie" dialogue. And I'd
actually cut this section even more. But as far as I can tell
this is the essential information. The stuff about the
'Global adventurer', comic books, etc. serve no purpose and
only slows the story. IF there is critical information in the part I
cut, does it HAVE to come at this time and in this way? Can it be
introduced later? Or earlier? Can you weave it into the action?

@@@@






  She placed the manga back on the shelf with a sniff, wishing she
  could take it with her. As she walked out of the shop, though, the
  shopkeeper said, "Miss? You forgot book!"

  He came running at her with the exact manga she'd been reading,
  but Jade decided not to question it.

  "Thank you," she said, smiling. "But I don't think - "

  "Young man outside pay," the shopkeeper nodded, smiling and
  pointing outside.

  Jade peeked out the shop door. Uncle and Jackie were leaning
  against a wall, trying so hard to mind their own business that it
  was obvious they were watching her. Her anger at Jackie
  forgotten, she smiled and approached him.

  "I'm sorry, Jackie," she said, hugging him with tears in her eyes.
  "It's just... I'm gonna miss the J-Team."

  Jackie embraced her, surprised at how quickly he was forgiven.

  "Remember, head see, heart soar," Uncle whispered in his ear
  before striding down the street and back to their hotel.

  Jackie reached up to clear the rice out of his ear before telling
  Jade, "I'm going to miss the J-Team, too, Jade."

  "Really?" Jade looked at him, her eyes alight.

  "Really," he said. He took her hand as they followed Uncle at a
  much slower pace. "It's hard for me to say goodbye to you. I'm
  going to miss you very much. So I'm sorry if I have been acting
  strange these past few days. It's sad for me, too."

  "You know, Jackie," Jade stopped, gazing up at him in complete
  idolatry, bringing that warm giddy feeling that made Jackie so
  uncomfortable. "You're my hero."

  He couldn't control the pleasant heat rising up in his face, and for a
  moment, he realized what Uncle had meant about the whole
  head-heart- sky thing.

  "I am honored," he said, bowing his head respectfully, as though to
  aristocracy.

  Then the moment was over, and they were walking down the
  street again. For Jackie, however, he was King of the World! The
  entire Dark Hand could come after him right now, and he'd be
  invincible! He'd fight like a lion, because he was - (insert drum roll
  here) - JADE'S HERO!!!

@@Errrr . . .bleah? Cut sound effects and about 1/3 of the previous
section.

  His head was in the clouds as she started babbling about her new
  manga, and it remained there all the way back to the hotel. He
  couldn't help wishing he could admonish Uncle for being wrong
  about which part of the body could soar. The little girl holding his
  hand worshipped him, and the moon was not beyond reach.
  Nothing was.

@@Errr . . .cut purple prose.

  Captain Black was waiting in the lobby when they entered the
  hotel. He had a grim look on his face as he consulted with Uncle.
  Abruptly, Jackie was brought back to New Kowloon, to the dire
  news that would surely accompany those gloomy expressions.

  "I'm afraid we have to cut this vacation short, Jackie," the tall
  Section 13 agent said. He looked ready for an invasion, strapped
  as he was with guns and high-tech gadgetry beneath his black
  trench-coat.

  "What's going on?" Jackie asked, more to Uncle than the captain.

  "All heck's broken loose at headquarters since Valmont's escape,"
  Black told him. "And there's another affair I have to tend to, as
  well."

  There was something in his eyes, begging Jackie to ask him...

  "Is there anything I can do?" His mouth had moved on automatic;
  he'd had enough adventure to last a while, and just wanted to go
  home to San Francisco and relax. Wistfully, he realized that if
  Valmont was free, it would be a long time before he could.

  "Officially, you know I can't ask you that," Now Black was boring
  holes into him, letting him know that there was plenty for Jackie to
  do.

  Jackie looked at Jade. "Heroes don't get any rest, do they!"

  Jade nodded. "Looks like the J-Team's back in business!"

  "No, no, no," Jackie shook his head. "Not this time. You're going
  home this time, and staying OUT of danger."

  "But, Jackie, we're a team!" Jade cried.

  "Jade," Jackie said warningly. "You HAVE to go home. You're too
  young to be running around Hong Kong, getting involved in - in - "
  He turned to Captain Black. "Just what ARE we getting involved
  in?"

  "We'll discuss that - later," Captain Black made a subtle motion
  with his eyes toward Jade.

  "Can you...?" Jackie raised an eyebrow at Captain Black.

  "Well, despite the fact she's outwitted some of my best agents, I
  suppose I can," Captain Black smirked. "As a matter of national
  security."

  Jade narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

  The answer came in the form of big, strong arms around her
  waist, lifting her from the ground. One of Section 13's biggest
  agents had her slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
  She kicked and screeched and even bit, but to no avail. This guy
  was a rock!

  Jackie dug through his wallet for a moment before handing the
  agent a business card.

  "This is my brother's address," he said. "Please don't scare him.
  Tell him... tell him you work for me."

@@Now THIS is good. But you need to get to it faster.
Don't bog the reader down in fluff.  As far as I can tell
Jade is the critical character, so get to her faster and stick
to her. Don't spend so much time of secondary characters.
IMO, cut the entire section on 'manga' reading and most
of the Jade worships Jackie.

EXAMPLE::

***New Kowloon, Mainland Hong Kong*** "But Jackie, if you take
  me back to Mom and Dad's house, they'll want me to stay!"

  Jackie Chan raised an eyebrow at his niece, Jade.

  "Is that a bad thing?" he asked. "They're your parents!"

  Jade looked down, kicking at the ground. As always, Jackie was
  right, and she hated when Jackie was right.

  "I know," she said. "And I wouldn't have come here if I didn't miss
  them and worry about them." She looked up at him, her eyes
  pleading. "But I wanna stay with you."

"Your parents miss you. It would be selfish not to spend
a little time with them now that you're here."


Jade sighed. She knew Jackie was right, and Uncle, too. But she
  had so much fun with Jackie, and she had to admit, she learned a
  lot, too. When Shendu had threatened all of Asia, she was faced
  with the very real consequences of losing her parents as failure.
  However, she had used all the strengths she had, and helped
  Jackie defeat the evil demon before he had a chance to harm
  anyone. She and Jackie had saved the world together - how could
  she leave him after doing something like that?

  Over the forty-eight hours since they'd arrived in Hong Kong, the
  importance of that did not escape her. In fact, the more she
  thought about it, the more it weighed on her. Would she ever get
  to save the world again? Would she do it alone, or with Jackie and
  Uncle? If she did it alone, would it be as much fun?


Captain Black was waiting in the lobby when they entered the
  hotel. He had a grim look on his face as he consulted with Uncle.
  Abruptly, Jackie was brought back to New Kowloon, to the dire
  news that would surely accompany those gloomy expressions.

  "I'm afraid we have to cut this vacation short, Jackie," the tall
  Section 13 agent said. He looked ready for an invasion, with
enough high-tech weaponry beneath his trench-coat to arm
a third-world country.

  "What's going on?" Jackie asked.

  "All hell's broken loose at headquarters since Valmont's escape,"
  Black told him. "And there's another affair I have to tend to, as
  well."

  There was something in his eyes, begging Jackie to ask him...

  "Is there anything I can do?" His mouth had moved on automatic;
  he'd had enough adventure to last a while, and just wanted to go
  home to San Francisco and relax.

  "Officially, you know I can't ask you . . ."

  Jackie looked at Jade. "Heroes don't get any rest, do they!"

  Jade nodded. "Looks like the J-Team's back in business!"

  "No, no, no," Jackie shook his head. "Not this time. You're going
  home this time, and staying OUT of danger."

  "But, Jackie, we're a team!" Jade cried.

  "Jade," Jackie said warningly. "You HAVE to go home. You're too
  young to be running around Hong Kong, getting involved in - in - "
  He turned to Captain Black. "Just what ARE we getting involved
  in?"

  "We'll discuss that - later," Captain Black made a subtle motion
  with his eyes toward Jade.

  "Can you...?" Jackie raised an eyebrow at Captain Black.

  "Well, despite the fact she's outwitted some of my best agents, I
  suppose I can," Captain Black smirked. "As a matter of national
  security."

  Jade narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

  The answer came in the form of big, strong arms around her
  waist, lifting her from the ground. One of Section 13's biggest
  agents had her slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
  She kicked and screeched and even bit, but to no avail. This guy
  was a rock!

  Jackie dug through his wallet for a moment before handing the
  agent a business card.

  "This is my brother's address," he said. "Please don't scare him.
  Tell him... tell him you work for me."


@@@{I made a few tiny edits, but I think you
can see the difference. JUST enough to introduce
Jade into the story, then stop. Do NOT reprise the
entire Jackie Chan Adventure series.}



  The agent looked at Black, raising an eyebrow. Black shrugged.
  The agent then nodded and walked out.

  Black sighed. "Too bad she's so young. If she wasn't, I'd definitely
  want her at my back."

  Before Jackie had a chance to reply, Jade burst back in, knocking
  a pair of bewildered American tourists flat on their behinds. The
  aging couple looked at one another in shock.

  "How rude!" the woman said. "Is everyone in Hong Kong like this?"

  "Let's hope not, schnookums," the man replied, rising.

  As he reached his hand out to help her up, the door burst open
  again and the burly agent blasted in behind the little girl. The man
  went flying into the lady's lap, his camera and film flying
  everywhere.

  "Well, I suppose you get what you pay for," he said with disgust.

  "And 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' said that Tom Cruise
  stayed here," his wife snorted in agreement.

  Ten yards away, Jade was shouting at Jackie, "You've got to let
  me come with you, Uncle Jackie, you've just GOT to!"

  As the agent grabbed her again, Jackie said, "I'm sorry, Jade, but
  you can't come this time. You must go home. Please, trust me."

  "NO!" Jade cried with angry tears welling up. "I won't go home! I'm
  going with you!"

  Taking a deep breath, Jackie did something that he knew would
  tear both their hearts right out of their chests. The difference was
  that Jade's would be put back. Jackie's would get trampled by
  elephants for a while, first.

  He turned around, and he walked toward the stairs. He ignored
  Jade's frantic protests, even successfully ignored the tears welling
  in his own eyes as he took each step one at a time. He could
  sense Uncle and Captain Black behind him, uncertain how to
  proceed. He hoped they would follow him up the stairs, but
  regardless, he continued. Each step was torture.

  "No! No, Jackie, don't leave me! Jackie! I wanna go with you!"
  Jade cried. "Uncle! Captain Black! Tell him! We're a team!
  JACKIE!"

  Uncle and Black must have followed him, because suddenly,
  Jade's voice grew hysterical, almost eerie.

  "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME BEHIND! WE'RE A TEAM!" And then,
  like a sword through the gut: "I HATE YOU, JACKIE!"

@@Well . . .some of this is funny. But is it ESSENTIAL to the
story?

  Jackie stopped, as though he really HAD been run through. Jade's
  voice was fading as the agent brought her back outside, but Jade
  had left a wound that could not heal easily.

  "She hates me," he said, astounded, as Black and Uncle caught up
  to him. "She hates me."

  "That good!" Uncle said brightly. Even Black had to glare at Uncle
  for this. "Remember, hate not opposite love. Is same."

  "Oh, yeah, I forgot," Black snickered. "I LOVE Valmont, that's why
  I hate him so much."

  "Ah," Uncle held up a finger. "Is Valmont you love, or catching
  him?"

  "No, Jade really HATES me," Jackie repeated.

  "I admit I love my work, but catching Valmont? I'll be happier when
  he's safely behind bars," Black protested.

  "Are you sure?" Uncle raised an eyebrow and continued up the
  stairs.

  Black chased after him, saying, "Yes, I AM sure! The world is
  safer with guys like that behind bars."

  "Ah, but you hunter, Captain," Uncle replied as they reached the
  next floor. "If you capture Valmont, who prey?"

@@This "love/hate" thing is, IMO, irritating. IF
it has some significance later in the story KEEP it, but
trim it. Too much story is as bad as too little. And
the story keep bogging down in what I think are
unnecessary details.

@@@@

  "She hates me..."

  "I hate him!" Jade was saying outside as the agent literally threw
  her in the back of his black Caprice Classic. She tried to scramble
  toward him, but he slammed the door before she could get out.
  The back had no handles, and he was in the car before she could
  jump into the front.

  "Now you behave, little girl," he told her sternly. "I don't know what
  the big news in Lan Tao is, but it's no place for you."

  Jade realized that she wasn't going to get out of it this way, so
  she sat back in her seat.

  Having some time to cool off, she realized that the last words she
  had ever said to her uncle were "I hate you." Realizing how much
  she must have hurt his feelings, she suddenly felt very ashamed of
  herself. How could she have said such a thing? She had to make it
  right, somehow!

  Not just that, but, no matter what he said, Jackie needed her. She
  was as responsible for him as he was for her, and there was no
  way she could let him go on an adventure and get into all kinds of
  danger alone without her to look after him. And if the big news
  was in Lan Tao, it was just as important to find her way there as it
  was to get back to Jackie...

  "So what's this big news?" she asked.

  "Classified," the agent responded stoically.

  "Hey, I saved the world from Shendu," she said casually. "You DO
  know that, right?"

  "Of course I know that," the agent retorted. "I was there. 'Only
  magick can defeat magick.'" *[again, Episode 13. Highly
  recommended]

@@Please do NOT interrupt your story
with references to JCA.

  Jade chuckled. "I see you met Uncle."

  "That man's your uncle?" the agent raised an eyebrow. "Well now I
  see why they had to get an agent to get you home."

  Jade smiled fetchingly. "I'm not all THAT bad."

  "Sure," came the skeptical reply.

  She took another approach.

  "So you were there when we fought Shendu, huh?" she asked.

  "For all the good we did, yeah," the agent snorted. "You and
  Jackie did most of the work."

  "Yeah, we make a great team," she sighed wistfully.

  "On a personal note, if I were fighting that splinter group in Lan
  Tao, I'd want you covering my butt," the agent complimented.
  "Even if you are a little girl."

  "Why, thank you, agent!" she said, her grin genuine and fueled not
  by his compliment, but by his leak of information. She let it fade as
  she asked, "Can we stop at a gas station?"

  "I can't stop until I get you home, miss," the agent shrugged.
  "Nothing personal. Just following orders."

  "But I REALLY need to stop," she whined slightly, indicating that
  she had to stop for reasons of nature.

  "You're gonna have to hold it," the agent replied.

  "I don't think I can!"

  The agent rolled his eyes.

  "Fine. We'll stop. But you've got two minutes. Any longer and I'm
  coming in after you."

  They stopped at a gas station, still in the heart of New Kowloon,
  and the agent let Jade out of the car. He escorted her to the
  bathroom, then held the door open as he waved her in. She
  abruptly turned to catch him following her.

  "What are you doing?" she demanded.

  "I'm supposed to keep an eye on you," the agent replied.

  "Read the sign," Jade pointed. The agent looked at it for a
  moment.

  "I can't," he said. "It's Chinese to me."

  Jade looked up at the sign, then rolled her eyes.

  "That's because it IS Chinese. But the little stick figure is wearing
  a skirt. That means this is the girls room."

  The agent just looked at her, speechless. Egged on by this sudden
  control, she added, "That means no boys allowed!"

@@Again, a cute section, but the dialogue
dragged. I'd recommend a little editing
as the simplest way to fix this. Cut non-essential
dialogue. You want to get to this part and what I
assume is Jades 'escape' scene as quickly as possible.

This story appears to be broken into two sections.
One where you are re-telling CCS or JCA, which quite
frankly is dull as dishwater. The other is where you
are telling YOUR story. And that's pretty darn good.
The problem is you're burying YOUR story under
mountains of fluff. Go back through what you've written
and DELETE the re-telling. Write YOUR story in your
words. When and where it's necessary TO YOUR STORY
you can add IN YOUR OWN WORDS information about/from
CCS/JCA.

@@@@

  She headed towards the commodes, hearing the soft THUMP! as
  the door shut behind her. She turned to see if the agent was still
  watching her, but he had heeded her words. She grinned.

  "Now, to get back to Jackie," she said to herself as she spotted a
  window.

  It was an old window, and it opened easily enough. The drop to
  the ground was also very low, and within moments, Jade was
  blending in with the crowd two blocks over.

  "That was my easiest escape yet!" she giggled to herself. "And he
  was even nice enough to tell me what's going on!"

  A splinter group... of what? And why was Section 13 treating this
  like a threat to national security? If it was a threat, how much of
  one was it? What had Jackie gotten himself into this time?

  She had no answers to any of these questions yet, but the
  answers were in Lan Tao. Getting there was easy enough.

  As she made toward the shipping district, she said to herself, "I'm
  coming, Jackie! I've got your back!"

  Behind her, a postal worker scurried to get this special delivery
  letter with the Li family seal onto the mail ship to Tokyo...

@@Actually SD would go by air. That's why it's "Special".


@@Now THIS section with Jade, her escape, the special delivery
letter is GOOD. I loved it. What I didn't love was
wading through the re-telling of someone else's story.
I want to read YOUR story. ^_O

  ***Nerima District, Tokyo, Japan*** The dojo was animated and
  full of noise as lessons were in session on a bright afternoon. The
  students, five girls of fifteen, sat in a respectful semi-circle, eyes
  on the action at the center of the dojo. Off to the side, a pair of
  cats sat watching the display just as intently as the five girls, the
  crescent moons on their foreheads differentiating them from real
  cats as much as their scrutiny.

  The two girls in the center were facing off in mid-battle, each
  holding a pair of fighting ribbons. Both were clad only in bikinis of
  very thin fabric, and neither was pulling a punch. The Chinese girl
  with the long hair and the huge jade-green eyes had a huge bruise
  in her right arm. The short- haired Japanese girl was standing on
  one foot, perfectly balanced, but favoring the leg that had the red
  mark on its calf. Their eyes were locked, their brows covered with
  sweat, wrinkled in concentration.

  It seemed to last an eternity before the Japanese girl leaped in the
  air in an aerial twist, her ribbons bearing down on the Chinese girl
  like a tornado as she sailed above her. The Chinese girl
  responded by lashing the ribbon in her good hand out in a straight
  line. Like iron, it seemed to slice through the air and disrupted the
  whirling ribbons. The Japanese girl landed, wincing as her bad leg
  bore the full of her weight for a moment.

  "Akane do better in sleep!" the Chinese girl taunted, but with real
  affection. Akane narrowed her eyes, her fighting instincts up,
  despite the fact her sparring partner was also a close friend. Both
  her ribbons were tangled into the Chinese girl's one, and the other
  was coming at her with just as much vehemence as the first.
  Holding her ribbons tightly, she rushed at the Chinese girl, then at
  the last second, tucked away from her. The Chinese girl's
  momentum was going forward and over Akane, so using her
  tangled ribbons to send the Chinese girl with it was a simple thing.
  The ribbon holding hers went limp, freeing them from its grasp.

  The Chinese girl rolled with the punch and jumped up in a fighting
  stance.

  "Zhu Shu take back," she nodded. "Akane impressive, if impulsive."

  She ran forward, doing a series of leap-turns that looked more like
  a dance than martial arts. The ribbons made whirlwinds around her
  as she approached Akane, forming an impenetrable shield around
  her gazelle- like figure. Akane twirled her ribbons, trying to fend off
  the approach, unwilling to take even a single step back.

  Zhu Shu took one final leap in Akane's direction, lifting one arm to
  drop a spiral over Akane's head. Akane jerked back, but too late.
  The ribbon had her held tightly, like the bandages of a mummy.
  Zhu Shu glided to the floor, lifting the other ribbon over her head
  and allowing the spiral to die down. With a flick of her wrist, she
  freed Akane's head of the other ribbon, revealing the astonished
  Japanese girl's face.

  Zhu Shu turned to the other girls, holding out her bare arms and
  gesturing to them.

  "Nothing up sleeves - no sleeves. No tricks, just ribbon," she said
  to them in halting Japanese. "Anything can be weapon. Best
  weapon imagination."

  Two of the girls were listening intently, with a look of almost
  worship in their eyes. The smaller of the two closed her eyes and
  meditated on this a moment, her face serious and her hands
  clasped in a focusing mantra. The other, the tallest, was not
  meditating, but the way she chewed her lip made it very clear that
  she paid it just as much heed.

  "Rei, Lita, take floor," Zhu Shu said.

  "Are we going to use the ribbons?" Lita, the taller one, asked,
  hope in her eyes.

  "No need ribbons," Zhu Shu scolded.

  "Right," Lita muttered. "Imagination."

  She and Rei took fighting stances and waited for Zhu Shu to call
  the fight. Before anything could happen, however, a loud beeping
  sound arose from the pile of school books on one side of the dojo.

  "My computer!" One of the other girls jumped up and ran to the
  pile. Everything stopped, and Zhu Shu watched intently as the girl
  dug through her bag to procure a small blue pocket computer with
  a symbol on it: a heart, with a cross hanging from it and topped
  with a crescent, the symbol of Mercury.

  As if to emphasize that this wasn't a normal scene, one of the
  cats, the white one, spoke with a soft male voice: "What's going
  on, Ami?"

  There were two girls left sitting, both with blonde hair. The one
  with the long blonde hair tied in a red ribbon rose expectantly. The
  other, bearing odangos and pigtails, moaned and buried her head
  in her arms.

  "Not the Negaverse again!" she whined.

  "Don't worry, Serena," Rei said, joining them from the floor with
  Lita. "If it IS the Negaverse, you can always whine like that at
  them. They'll run away screaming!"

  "They will not, and I don't whine!" Serena whined.

  "Give it up, you do too!"

  "Do not!"

  "Do you two EVER stop fighting?" Akane asked, drying herself off
  with a towel and slipping into her gi.

  "Nope," Lita said. "They never do."

  "Well, be quiet and let Ami talk!" the black cat scolded.

  "It's another power spike," Ami told them, intent on the computer
  screen. "Not as strong as the one two days ago, but it's from
  Hong Kong again." She looked up. "Data neither confirms nor
  denies a relationship to the other spike, but they're both very
  negative energy."

  The black cat frowned. "Why would the Negaverse be in Hong
  Kong?"

  "Negaverse negative energy, yes-no?" Zhu Shu asked the cat.
  When the cat nodded, Zhu Shu added, "Maybe not Negaverse.
  Maybe some other type."

  Rei nodded in agreement, addressing the black cat. "In my training
  as a Shinto priestess, we learn about all kinds of evil spirits, Luna."

  "You mean there's other stuff besides the Negaverse out there?"
  the pig- tailed blonde, Serena, asked, her face full of alarm. "I
  mean, up till now, the only other enemies we've faced have
  been..." Suddenly she blushed. "I mean... uh..."

  "You," Lita, slightly bolder, finished for her.

  Zhu Shu looked around at all of the girls, who were looking
  expectantly at her. Feeling like she had to answer them, she licked
  her lips and took a deep breath.

  "If need, Zhu Shu will check out," she said. "No Scouts. Not
  ready."

  "Zhu Shu, we're leaving for China TOMORROW!" Akane
  exclaimed with a nervous squeal. "Remember, betrothal
  ceremony, Amazon village, me and Shampoo?"

  "Zhu Shu not forget," the Chinese girl smiled at her dear friend.
  "Have much business in China. Hong Kong not out of way."

  "No way, Zhu Shu," Lita shook her head. "If it is the Negaverse,
  we can't ask you to get involved."

  "M-hmm," Ami agreed, joining the others, computer in hand. "It's
  dangerous enough being Sailor Scouts..." She trailed off, horror on
  her face. The other girls turned various shades of red as well, and
  an uncomfortable silence pervaded. "...and you're not a Scout,"
  she finished.

  "Well, I agree with Ami," Akane said. "I've got a future husband
  AND a future wife, and my husband has almost as many enemies
  as you do." She bowed to Zhu Shu, then to the girls. "If you will
  excuse me, our time is up, I have a ton of homework, and that
  sounds like really good advice."

@@OK . . .controlling my gag-reflex over "Lita", "Serena"
  and "Scouts" this was a good section. You need more of an
  intro on Zhu Shu however. THIS is a place where you could
  legitimately spend a 'chunk' of dialogue/exposition to introduce
  a new character.
At least to explain what she's doing in the RanmaUsagi-verse.

@@I'll interject again . . .FOUR series?
A digression as I explain my thoughts on this.
In "Furies" I had a Ranma/SM fusion with a
few cameo's by other series. For Example,
801'st TTS AIRBATS. But I needed
an air-to-air combat scene anyway. And
since I did, I picked AIRBATS just for fun.
In Sukeban Senshi, SM is the major series but
I've got a lot (some say too many) cameo's.
Blue Seed, You're Under Arrest, Riding Bean,
Weiss Kreuz, etc, etc. BUT, only because I needed
the police or a car chase or a rouge god or something.

You've already got Magical Girls(CCS) and
martial artists (JCA) do you NEED
another Magical Girl(SM) and martial artist (Ranma)?
It's hard (at least for me) to concentrate on a cast
of thousands. I'd rather read about one or two strong
main characters that are well developed.

You're 5747 words into the story and STILL
introducing the cast. (I liked this bit, esp. Akane
and her "future husband and wife") but it's taking
too long to get to the good stuff. Plus, it looks like
Akane's not even going to be involved. :(

  She smiled as she left, waving goodbye to the five girls who were
  secretly famous as the Sailor Scouts.

@@Secretly? Looks like _someone_ at the Tendou doujou knows
about it. ^_^ (Any wagers on Nabiki selling naughty pictures of the
senshi transforming?)

<SNIP> cutting a painfully long re-telling
of the senshi history. (I REFUSE to use
the word "S---t". ^_~) You can reprise the
senshi if necessary to the story, but please not in
large static chunks of exposition. Even if these
were original characters it would be better to
make the descriptions more dynamic. AND, is
the information you gave really necessary at THIS
moment? Or could some/all of it wait for later?

  Zhu Shu took them under her wing, being an expert martial artist
  and a master with many weapons. She was the sole heir of the
  Song School of Sword Dance, and the lessons she had so far
  passed on to the Scouts were valuable. Even Serena was leaving
  each session with a new grace and wisdom. They had almost lost
  her not four days ago - indeed, had lost her, and rejoiced at her
  return.

@@Yeahbut . . .where did Zhu Shu come from? And why
is she at the Tedou's? As a new character she deserves
the exposition you're giving to better known characters.
You've actually told the reader a LOT about Zhu Shu
within the story line (dear friend of Akane, etc) and
this was very well done. BUT, you then went into a
LOT of detail of the senshi that was NOT needed, when
that effort would have been better spent on your
original character. Perhaps she's been 'defined' in another
story, but I haven't read it. IF it's necessary to read another
story before reading this one, you need to make that clear
at the beginning and provide a link at the very least.



  Zhu Shu watched Akane's back as she exited the dojo, then turned
  her full attention to the Scouts.

  "What this?" she asked.

  "Well, we've been talking," Sailor Venus said. "And even though
  you have a pen, we don't want to see you in danger, especially
  OUR kind of danger."

  Serena nodded. "Mina's right. We couldn't bear it if we lost you
  again, especially to the Negaverse."

  "If not Negaverse, is Zhu Shu's responsibility," their sensei told
  them. "Then, who not ask who for help?"

@@HUH??? I got lost in the 'Amazon speak'
Plus it's not necessary that Amazon's speak Japanese
badly. Mu Si and Ku Lon speak fluently.


  "You'd BETTER ask us for help," Rei said, and Zhu Shu could see
  her aura flare with the fire that made her Mars. She was flattered
  by her friends' passion. "Six can do better what one could do well."

  Zhu Shu laughed. "Rei-chan sensei, now? Rei-chan teach Zhu
  Shu?"

  Rei flushed, falling to her knees in submission.

  "I meant no disrespect, honored sensei," she said, looking horribly
  miserable at her slight.

@@WHAT!!!? Rei is more likely to use a baseball bat
or a shove a Burning Mandella where the sun-don't-shine
than fall on her knees. Except to Usagi. This is horribly OOC.
Not just for Hino Rei in particular, but for senshi in general.


And you've sprung a new character who is ALSO a
senshi on the reader? Again, a little more detail on the new kid, please.

@@@@

  "Rei-chan misunderstand," Zhu Shu offered a hand to help Rei up.
  Their relationship was closer than any of the other Scouts; indeed,
  Zhu Shu considered Rei second only to her blood-sisters, Akane
  and Shampoo. Twice Rei had nursed her back to health after
  serious traumas, but Rei's immense pride - or lack of it when it
  came to Zhu Shu - betrayed her true respect and love for her
  Chinese friend, a fact which Zhu Shu accepted with honor.

@@Ummmm . . .THAT is going to take a lot of detail to make
believable. Rei doesn't act like that around Usagi, and Usagi is
her princess. The senshi are devoted entirely to Usagi. (In the manga,
Sailor Start Arc (don't have a vol. number handy) Minako and Rei
are facing off against the 'Stars':

Minako: "Yeah, I've given my life to my one and only."
Rei: "MINA!"
{an image of Angel Usagi appears in the panel below and to the right}
Rei: "Actually . . .we don't need any men."
Rei (side by side w/ Minako) "You have a problem with that?"

@@I'll go along with Zhu Shu being a senshi, but in that case
HER entire devotion is going to be to Usagi and she and Rei would be
co-equal at worst, though I'd suspect that Rei and the other
Inner senshi would have seniority. One reason I abhor the term
S***t is that is doesn't convey the right relationship. Rei, Minako,
Ami and Makoto are Usagi's body-guards.(among other things)
  Like samurai, they exist ONLY for her.
The only time you really see the Inner Senshi (or the Outer senshi)
on their knees crying is when Usagi is hurt or killed (see SMR movie
for the best example) {Note: Kaiou Michiru and Ten'ou Haruka
get that emotional over each other as well as over Usagi.)
It's possible that Zhu Shu could go off on her own. Usagi is very
understanding and Minako operated solo as Sailor V. But you've got
to provide detail to justify this. If you want to keep the Rei-falling-on-
knees thing, it needs more detail in the story to make it believable.

@@@@

  "Rei-chan's advice wise," Zhu Shu added, causing the priestess to
  blush furiously. "Even if Zhu Shu no take."

  "But our job is to fight evil," Ami protested. "Right, Luna?"

  Before Luna had a chance to answer the question, Serena broke
  in.

  "Guys," she said, yawning. "Can we talk about this over ice cream
  sodas? I'm starved!"

  Even Rei had to admit it was a good idea. "We need to get Akane
  and Shampoo a betrothal present anyway," she said.

  "Zhu Shu, maybe you could help us, since you know them better
  than we do," Ami added.

  "Zhu Shu honored," the Chinese girl's huge green eyes sparkled
  with delight. "We go on - how you say - 'shopping spree'?"

  "THAT," said Mina, her beautiful face glowing with delight, "sounds
  like fun!"

  Unbeknownst Zhu Shu or the Scouts, there was another pair of
  eyes observing the dojo.

  Kodachi was too far away to hear what was being said, but she
  had observed the lesson with interest. Watching the beautiful
  goddess that was both her greatest love AND the rival for her
  greatest love, she had sighed with pleasure. However, when the
  Chinese girl had taken to fighting her with the ribbons, her whole
  demeanor changed.

  Just days ago, Akane had beaten her in the martial rhythmic
  gymnastics match between Fuurikan High School and her own St.
  Bacchus School for Girls. She had beaten Kodachi with ribbons,
  just like the ones she was fighting the Chinese girl with. For this,
  Kodachi loved her.

@@Ohhhh . . .lemony goodness with a dash of kink. ^_*

Again, this is good stuff. You just need to get to it sooner.
AND you need to explain where the heck Zhu Shu came
from and why. :(


  Kodachi Kuno was not used to losing. Whenever she faced even
  the slightest chance of failure, she found some way to undermine
  it. Like that brat her sophomore year. The girl was the best
  rhythmic gymnast at St. Bacchus. But a few well-placed rumors
  later, and the girl was kicked out of St. Bacchus and branded
  "karate maniac," a title which Kodachi had ensured she would
  carry to the next school she went to.

  Akane, thus, had been the first person to ever beat her. And this
  Chinese BITCH had beaten Akane!

  For Kodachi, that was a slap in the face. To find someone better
  than her was deserving of worship. But someone better than THAT
  just boggled her mind. She was not sure whether to sweep the
  Chinese demoness off her feet or just kill her.

KODACHI: "I will DO both.!"
KUNO: "More vibratto and the emphasis
should be on _both_."
KODACHI: "I will do BOTH!"
KUNO: "Left foot further back, stab your right
fist to the sky----by George . . .I think she's got it!"


  When two of the other girls rose and took the floor, Kodachi nearly
  fell off her perch.

  "No," she whispered to herself, amused. "It can't be. This is too
  delicious!"

  She didn't even mind when her goddess left the dojo. She kept her
  eyes on the rest of the group, wondering what they had to do with
  the wonderful, perfect Akane. Surely they were not worthy of her,
  especially if they chose to consort with... with HER.

  "I cannot beat the Chinese wench in battle," she told herself. "But,
  there's more than one way to bring someone into the bowels of
  hell, as your friend knows. And I, the Black Rose, know them all!"

@@WALDO: "Where am I now?"
RYOUGA: "Just shut up and help me shovel this brimstone."
@@@@


  She couldn't stop her amused giggles as she trailed the Chinese
  hag and her five peons all the way to Juuban Mall...

  An hour, a hundred stores, and a dozen shopping bags later, they
  were sitting in a booth in the mall, gobbling ice cream sundaes and
  trying to decide what to do about Hong Kong.

  "The computer is set to filter out localized energy," Ami was
  explaining. "There's a certain amount of normal energy that will be
  there, just from arguments, rivalries, bad feelings, and things like
  that. The next level is also localized, but wider. That's what
  happens when groups with minor powers use energy for specific
  means, like when Rei does one of her Shinto rituals."

  "Minor powers?!!?" Rei interrupted.

  "As opposed to global powers, yours are minor," Ami replied,
  smiling. "And what turned up from Hong Kong three days ago was
  a global-scale power. So was the spike we got today. Do you
  remember the spike we tracked the night we met Zhu Shu?" As
  the other girls nodded, and Zhu Shu listened intently, Ami
  continued, "This is bigger, and also from Hong Kong. I can't
  believe it's a coincidence they both come from the same place."

@@OK, not a bad section. I'm still wondering
what Kodachi has to do with anything. Or Akane.
Or she Senshi? Or . . .well, you get the picture.

  "That's all the more reason Zhu Shu shouldn't try to take it on
  alone," Lita said, turning to the Chinese girl. "You NEED us, Zhu
  Shu."

  Zhu Shu nodded. "Maybe, but if no fight, no need Scouts. How
  know there will be fight?"

@@AMI:"Because it's a spike of energy like the Dark Kingdom
  and they were evil, so this is probably evil too?"
USAGI: "I have a sudden urge to split up the group and
go swimming naked."
MAKOTO: "I want a shower."
MINAKO: "There's a bottomless pit filled
with water in the defiled cemetery behind the
abandoned chemical weapons plant that was
built over the old prison death house where we can swim.
There's even a shower next to the torture chamber
in the crumbling ruins of the haunted castle next door."

@@Just my little pet peeve concerning tactics
or the lack thereof in many story-lines. In this case,
considering everything that's gone in the SM universe
this sort of attitude doesn't make much sense. IF the senshi
have reason to suspect a problem (and it looks like they do)
the smart thing to do would be:
1)Contact the Outer Senshi and get their take on the situation.
Asking Setsuna would be a first.
2) Scout out the area. It's Zhu Shu's turf, so she should go, but
she should have another senshi along as back-up. Frankly I'd send
Jupiter along for 'heavy weapons', Mercury for Intelligence
gathering and Zhu for knowledge of local conditions and
whatever her senshi speciality is. (you really should let the
reader know more about New Characters)


@@@@

  Mina nodded. "You're right. But promise us, Zhu Shu, that if there
  IS a fight, if there IS something to worry about, you'll contact us."

  Zhu Shu raised an eyebrow at the five Scouts. "And you promise
  Zhu Shu you no go Hong Kong unless Zhu Shu say."

  All the Scouts looked to Serena and nodded. Realizing she was
  their spokesperson, Serena said, "We promise."

@@Errrr . . .and exactly WHY is Zhu Shu in a position to
give orders? Setsuna (Pluto) didn't have much success
doing that. So why Zhu Shu?

  Zhu Shu sat back in her seat, satisfied on two counts as the
  subject turned to boys and romance. First, she had persuaded the
  Scouts to stay out of danger. Second, she had avoided promising
  that she would do the same...

  Having spent the night on a damp, dank, cargo ship, the yellowed
  parchment was none the worse for wear. The wax was still stiff,
  the symbol emblazoned on it never fading. And as the postal
  worker carrying it made his way toward the home of its
  addressee, he was inadvertently followed by two ten-year-old girls
  with a lot on their minds...

@@Errrr . . .Special Delivery should go by air. If it DID go
by ship, it would likely go on one of the regular high speed
ferry ships.

Of course, once it gets to Japan, that's another story. Japan
has one of the worst postal services in the world. It's so bad that
it's faster and cheaper to bulk-mail local mail from Japan
to Hong Kong for re-mailing _back_ to individual destinations
  in Japan.

@@@@

  ***Tomoeda Ward, Tokyo*** The walk from Juuban Ward was
  slow, but neither Madison nor Sakura cared. They had other things
  on their minds.

  As the two ten-year-old girls walked down the street, Sakura was
  saying, "Now I'm even more worried about Meilin. Is that strange?"

  "Well, you yourself said they felt sort of like Clow Cards to you,"
  Madison threw back a lock of her long lavender hair, holding up
  her video camera. "That's why I taped them."

  "I still wish I knew why they gave me such a strange feeling,"
  Sakura looked down at her feet; despite the warm day, she was
  sorry she'd worn sandals. Her feet were so sore she was afraid
  she would not be able to skate for a while. "Who did you say they
  were?"

  "I only recognized a few of them," Madison wrinkled her brow. "I
  know you recognized Mina Aino, star of all the Sailor V movies.
  And the tall one was Lita Kino, the gymnast. But I don't know who
  any of the others were."

@@Ummm . . .This segue is a little abrupt.

  "The Chinese girl was beautiful," Sakura said wistfully, her hand
  self- consciously rising to her short light-brown hair. "If I looked
  like that, Julian would notice me for sure."

@@Ummm . . .I assume Sakura and Tomoyo were watching the
Senshi? Or at least their alter egos? Where? Why?
You need a better introduction for this. {Sorry, but I just
can't deal with the name "M*****n" And I have no
idea who "J****n" is. I assume it's another Dub bastardization. :(}

And Zhu is starting to look like an Annoying New Character (ANC).


  "She was really pretty," Madison said brightly. "But I thought you
  said you got the weirdest feeling from her."

  "Especially when they were talking about Hong Kong," Sakura said
  nervously, suddenly looking around. To Madison, she added, "Do
  you get the feeling we're being followed?"

  Madison looked around, both naked-eyed and with her camera.

  "I don't see anybody," she replied. "But around you, anything's
  possible."

  They continued on, but Sakura kept looking around uneasily. She
  could feel a dark presence nearby, and not one she thought she
  could deal with today.

  "It's just, ever since that nightmare I had about Meilin the other
  night, I've been worried about her," she confided to Madison. "And
  when those girls mentioned Hong Kong - THERE!"

@@Eeeeep . . .coincidence piled on coincidence. IMO, too many
people running into each other at just the right time. This has
exhausted my 'willing suspension of disbelief."
@@@@

  She suddenly and excitedly pointed to a nearby tree.

  "Someone's following us, Madison!" she cried. "They're in that
  tree!"

  Madison put her lens to her eye and zoomed in on the tree. All she
  could see were leaves and branches.

  "Still nothing," she shrugged. "Just act natural and stay on guard."

@@Ummm . . .maybe this fits the dub, but it seems awfully
OOC for the sub. Actually seems OOC for the age group as well.

  As they continued walking, she coaxed her friend, "Go on. What
  about Hong Kong?"

  "Well, it made me wonder if maybe my dream wasn't true," she
  admitted. "I mean, I've had so many other ones come true before -
  Li, Miss Mizuni - and if Meilin is in danger, I need to be there to
  help her!"

  "I agree, but what can we do about it?"

  "I don't know," Sakura said, looking at the ground miserably. "But
  we have to do something. I just hope we hear from her soon."

  "Me too - woooah!"

  Suddenly and abruptly, they were yanked off balance by the backs
  of their shirts. They twisted behind them to see a tall and rather
  menacing teenager glaring down at them, her violet eyes blazing.
  She wore her long hair in a ponytail that trailed down to one side,
  and her shapely, muscular body was clad in a black leotard with a
  black velvet rose emblazoned on it. She also wore a loose wrap,
  which she was shedding and wrapping around one clenched fist.

  "Give me that videotape you just took," she hissed at Madison.

  Madison wrinkled her brow in defiance. "No way!" she shouted,
  running. "Come on, Sakura!"

@@ Errrr . . . ."No way!" ???
Sorry, but Tomoyo is very soft spoken and polite under all
circumstances.  I'm willing to accept OOC if it's well developed
and contributes to the story. OTOH, one of the reasons I watch/read
CCS or SM or Ranma etc. is because I _LIKE_ the characters and
their interaction. In this case, neither Sakura or Tomoyo are
recognizable to me.

  Both girls bolted as fast as they could, Sakura fingering the key
  that rested on a small gold chain around her neck. However, the
  girl in black suddenly appeared before them, her lips wrapped in a
  sultry manner around the cut end of a black rose.

  "You obviously don't know who I am, or you would not defy me,"
  the girl said. "I am the Black Rose, and I demand that tape now!"

  "What makes you think we TOOK a tape?" Sakura demanded,
  wondering with horror how this girl had gotten a hold of the Leap
  card.

@@Cute.

  "Because I've been following those girls for several hours now,
  and I watched you take it," the Black Rose replied tritely. "So give
  it to me!"

  "Why should we?" Madison challenged. However, she cowered
  slightly when the teenager advanced upon them. She and Sakura
  huddled together, and Madison was hoping Sakura would pull a
  Clow card soon.

@@OOC for Tomoyo. :(
If it's IC for M*****n, I've doubly glad I didn't watch
the dubs.

  "Because those girls are dangerous," the Black Rose hissed. "And
  because I said so!"

  "Wait, those girls are dangerous? How?" Sakura asked, real alarm
  on her face.

@@And why is Sakura  listening to a girl
she (a few lines earlier) looked at in "horror"?
(Among other negative emotions the "Black Rose"
gave rise too?) This is a logical/emotional
problem that needs to be addressed.

  "They are all crazy," the Black Rose said slowly. "Especially the
  Chinese girl. I need that tape. I need to know what they were
  talking about."

  Sakura looked at Madison for a moment, then back at the Black
  Rose.

  "We could make you a copy, if that would be okay," she ventured.
  "We think they're dangerous, too, and we think one of our friends
  is in danger from them. Perhaps we could help each other?"

  "YOU, help ME?!!?" Kodachi nearly wet her panties in laughter.
  "Please. You're children."

@@This sudden desire to 'buddy up' with Kodachi does
not make sense. It's too fast. If you need Kodachi for some reason,
you're going to have to spend more time developing the
'relationship'. OTOH, unless Kodachi is integral to the story,
I'd eliminate her altogether. And if she's necessary to the story,
must you introduce her at this place in time?
@@@@

  Sakura looked at Madison, holding up the key. Madison's eyes
  were pleading, so the silent communication was affirmative. She
  took a deep breath, summoned all her strength, and...

  "Alright, suit yourself," she said to the teenager.

  Holding up the key, she added, "Oh Key of Clow, power of
  magick, power of Light! Surrender the Wand, the force ignite!
  Release!"

@@Ummm . . .dub?
Actually a closer translation might be:

Key that hides the power of the dark, reveal thy true form to me.
This, by the covenant, I, Sakura, command!
RELEASE!

@@I don't know where they get the people that
do the dubs. <brrrrr>


  Kodachi was momentarily blinded as a golden circle of light formed
  around the two girls. Covering her eyes, she fell back, landing hard
  on her butt. She looked up to see that the pendant the little runt
  with the short hair had been wearing was now a wand the size of
  a walking stick, golden mist emanating from it.

  Suddenly, she realized these babies could be useful after all...

  "Wait!" she cried out amidst the loud din of energy. "Maybe you
  CAN help me!"

@@LOL.

  Sakura looked at Madison with a big grin.

  "You know, it's amazing how nice people get when you throw
  magick into the mix," she said.

  "Yeah, but do we really need HER help?" Madison motioned a
  thumb at Kodachi.
@@Now, that's the first sensible thing anyone's said lately. ^_^

  <SNIP>
and at this point I lost interest. :(

I really can't handle the dub names.
And I can't see any reason for Kodachi
at all.

Overall:
Some interesting points and some good writing when
it's YOUR story and not a re-telling of the original
anime/manga. I want to hear more of your story.
The re-telling bogged the story down too much.
While you spend a great deal of time on re-telling
JCA and SM you didn't put much effort at all into
introducing your NC, Zhou. She is almost becoming
an Annoying NC, so I'd tone down her beauty, marital
arts, senshi-ness, etc. And give her some flaws or something
to make her more human and interesting. You've also spent
90% of this chapter just introducing the cast, but not
much interesting is going on to hold the readers attention.
As for CCS . . .well, it's hard for me to be objective I dislike
the NA dub names so much. And what seemed like a gratuitous
insertion of Kodachi was annoying. She just slowed the story
for no good purpose that I could see.

There's nothing wrong with the story as a whole. AND for every
reader who feels as I do, I bet you can find three or ten who feel
the opposite.

MY recommendations (for what they're worth)

EDIT . . .cut out all the characters and interactions
that are not essential to move the story and plot.
I've give some examples, but go back and pretend that
you've got to pay $00.25/word to post the story. THEN,
delete everything you don't have to have. I generally
recommend cutting 1/5 of any draft to begin with.

Do you NEED the scene in the comic store?
Do you NEED Uncle?  Captain Black?
Do you NEED Kodachi?
Do you NEED the Ranma cast at all? Or just Zhu?
How MUCH do you need to re-tell?

Get your cast on-scene FAST, so you can get to the
real story.





             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'