Jose Argao wrote:
Someone told me to post this here, so here you go. It's just the prologue. If you want to read the rest of the chapters, go to www.geocities.com/ex_fuk
Jose Argao
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. I'm not
making any profit from doing this either. My entire net worth is just
a little more than three cents. You decide if you want to sue or not.
Warning: Cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health.
Warning: Altaverse (Keichi ain't here, and the senshi timeline is
all messed up.)
"words"
'thoughts'
A Time for Wild Horses prologue
by Jose Argao
"Shi Shi Hokodan!!!"
I'd suggest a separator between that first line and the title.
Ranma heard the cry and dodged left just in time to avoid the
huge ball of ki aimed at him. He had barely landed when a bokken
whizzed by the side of his head, his martial artist's instinct the only
thing saving him from a concussion. He grabbed the weapon before it
could be retracted and used the leverage to hurl the swordsman over his
shoulder.
Taking the in media res approach in hand, you _might_ be better
served to say taht Ranma dodged just 'to one side' since we really
don't see the significance of one direction over the other.
Oh, right.
I'm excessively nitpicky, and very often just plain wrong about my
suggestions for C&C anyway, so feel free to ignore any of my comments.
"That's Kuno down and two more to go," Ranma thought.
"Die!"
I'm guessing... Mousse.
However, the force of the umbrella was sufficient to cause the
blade to rebound in the opposite direction, hitting Mousse on the head
and promptly knocking him unconscious.
Hopefully with the UNSHARPENED side...
"Two down," Ranma thought to himself. "Now for the hard part."
You stated previouslt that thoughts would be offset by a single
quote, but here they're offset by double-quotes. Constistancy.
Honestly, at THIS point, you could just drop the separate quote
notation, and just leave it in folded neatly into the prose.
Although he would never admit it to anyone, Ranma regarded
Ryoga with a great deal of respect as far as martial arts ability is
concerned. He may have had a brain the size of a peanut, and he may
have been able to get lost looking for the bathroom of his own house,
but he was one hell of a fighter. With his leg constantly reminding
him of his injury, he wasn't so sure he'd be able to get out of this
in one piece. Ranma took a moment to reflect on how unfair life was to
him.
ability is concerned -- ability was concerned (I believe)
"How dare you use one of my own attacks to defeat my allies,
you shall pay dearly for this!"
allies, you -- allies! You (suggestion)
Ranma's train of thought was derailed as he realized that Ryoga
was now headed towards him at great speed. The battle had already taken
it's toll on him, and he was just about exhausted. With his right leg
bleeding profusely and refusing to move as he wanted it, he figured his
chances of winning as slim to none. Ignoring the pain, he started
dodging rapidly as Ryoga started his assault.
'Ryouga was now headed towards him at great speed' is a bit lacking
in the description department. It seems a little weak. You might
want to consider rewording that.
Repetition, 'started'.
Ranma ducked a punch, his leg sending his brain signals of
searing pain. His body was about to give out, and he was running out of
energy. He had to buy time. Gritting his teeth at the pain, he vaulted
fifteen feet behind him and shouted at the top of his lungs.
Repetition, 'out'.
Ryoga tried dodging Ranma's attack, but his momentum made it
impossible to avoid it. It was the last thing he saw before the world
went dark around him.
Repetition, 'it', though really you could probably just drop the
second 'it', and leave the sentence at that.
Ranma sighed, remembering that Akane and Nabiki had gone ahead
to school when the fight started. It looked like he would have to wait
for Ukyo to get him to school. Knowing his luck, Shampoo would
probably get to him first and drag him off on some 'date'. He sighed
again.
Getting dragged off to spend time with Shampoo when he's wounded
doesn't strike me as something Ranma would be 100% opposed to,
especially when he's supposed to be at school. Since Mousse is
already out, I don't know what's so worrisome about it....
"I swear," Ranma said to no one in particular, "It's like
there's some kami out to get me or something."
particular, "It's -- particular. "It's -OR- particular, "it's
Ida-Ten: It's not me!
Suzan-no-oh: What do you mean 'some kami'? There's dozens of us!
Urd giggled.
Well. If it's HER, there doesn't NEED to be dozens of them.
Not only was Ranma shaping up to be a great fighter, he was
also proving himself to be very creative, intelligent, and perceptive.
He was truly the epitome of the perfect man.
Urd: I'll make him mine!
Not to mention he was gorgeous.
Erk... didn't think she'd really do it....
Part of her self-appointed duties to Ranma had been to ensure
that a proper wife was selected for him. It simply wouldn't do for her
masterpiece to just go out and marry the first girl he laid eyes on.
Through the years she had tried many times to find the right match. She
could no longer count how many women she had 'arranged' for him to be
engaged to. Each girl had been a good choice. They had all been very
beautiful, and loving. Alas, as time wore on, she realized that they
were simply not good _enough_.
Interesting.
Oh well, there were plenty of women she had yet to try. She was
sure that in the end, Ranma would be thankful that she went through all
this trouble just to make sure he had a good life.
Urd: Hmm... none of them seem that great. I guess I'll have to marry him!
"Hmmm, Ukyo and Shampoo were nice, but just not right for him.
Akane showed promise, but all the abuse Ranma was taking from her
would have left him scarred and ugly." she thought aloud. She frowned
as she thought of Ranma's face with an ugly scar on his cheek. If it
wasn't for her intervention, Ranma would probably look that way
already. Ranma owed her big time.
ugly." she -- ugly," she
"That Kurumi girl was cute, and so was her sister Natsume.
Yuka and Sayuri have had crushes on him for months, and Kasumi has
taken a liking to him ever since that bathroom incident." Urd stopped
momentarily to pat herself on the back for coming up with that idea.
Hmm. Anime continuity, then? THAT explains a bit.
"What about his immortality? What'll you do when this 'perfect'
girl grows old and Ranma's still young?" Skuld beamed in triumph,
confident that Urd would never be able to come up with a retort to
that one.
Immortality? What immortality?
"Don't worry, Skuld. I think I've found _just_ the girl for
him." Urd grinned at her sister as she turned her chair and began
typing rapidly on the keyboard in front of her.
Skuld: Who?
Urd: You.
Skuld: YE-- Er, I mean, curse you!
"Hey, what're you doing?" Skuld asked, a worried tone to her
voice. She'd seen Urd with that grin before, when she remarked that
not _all_ women would like Ranma because some were lesbians. She still
felt a little guilty about Ranma's curse. She couldn't do anything,
however, because Ranma was _Urd's_ responsibility.
Well. I wouldn't use the word 'responsibility' with Urd outside of
her potions -- she's really responsible about those. At least,
making them. And storing the ingredients properly. And I guess
that's about it....
A few seconds later, she fainted.
Heh.
Author's notes:
This is the first part of a series I'm starting. This _could_
get fairly epic. I would like to thank Chester, Ash, and Vex for all
of their help and suggestions.
Well, it's interesting, at least.
Many thanks to Ash for typing those scene separators.
Please send C&C to ukyo_rulz@edsamail.com.ph
Visit my homepage (www.geocities.com/ex_fuk) for new chapters.