on 1/9/02 4:13 PM, Colleen Morgan at minty@clockworkgirl.com wrote:

Donald Lee Granberry <noharness@mac.com> writes:
=20
My...what a literal title. ^_^
=20
I'm hoping that some C&C will get me to spit out the last part of my
story that I already promised prereaders.

=20
Bwaha! Bwahahaha! You get points for that one. Nice shot.

=20

details and half-hiding others in soft warm shadows. Her
breath was coming in short shallow gasps, and he could see
that her nipples were painfully erect. A blush began at the

=20
First instance of painfully erect. You use it twice in the fic, and I
actually think the latter usage is better. You create a nice mood
here, and saying that something is painfully erect...I half expect
Ranma to look for something to slay.

=20
Okay, color it gone. I will change it.

=20

base of her throat and was rapidly spreading upwards into her
cheeks and downwards across her pert little breasts. He
suddenly wanted her so badly that his teeth ached.

=20
I'd say Akane's about medium-sized, though I guess they're smaller
than Ranma's breasts.
=20

Okay. I gather "pert little" doesn't fit. Suggestions?

=20

"Don't you even think about it!" Akane said. It was
not a request this time. Her voice had the same tone she used
just before snatching a mallet out of thin air.
=20
(RED, GODDAMMIT!)

=20
This was really cute. ^_^

=20
Thank you. I do try.

=20

Ranma followed her glance and realized
that there his boxers were not really hiding anything.

=20
This is a little unclear and awkward.

=20
Okay. I'll see what I can do with it. Fortunately it ain't all that long.

=20

fully erect, his manhood straining against his tented shorts.

=20
Nodoka would be proud. ^_^

=20
Wouldn't she though?

=20

"I'd like that, too," Ranma said in a squeaky whisper,
as he put his legs together. Akane straddled him on her knees
while taking his dick in her left hand. He watched with
growing anticipations as Akane reached between her legs with
her right hand, and began to probe her soft folds with her
fingers. "I know I'm ready, Ranma, but I want to go slow,
okay?"

=20
Well, not much for foreplay, but I guess they've already been with
each other several times.
=20

Well now ya gotta remember, I've had Ranma turning girl on her every time
things started looking serious. Akane is here launching a surprise attack.
=20

I can't help but think that Ranma would refuse to have sex with Akane
until she explained to him until she reassured him her training would
go uninterrupted. I'm still slightly boggled that they don't use
condoms, as they seem to practically grow on trees in Tokyo.
=20

"Promise?" Akane asked. "You're awfully big for a
girl's first lover."

=20
"How would you know?" Ranma suddenly looked pale.
=20
"Oh, I've been around the block a few times. You don't have anything
to worry about in comparison to Kuno, but Mousse..."

=20
Okay. There is no reason to make any such assumption based on what Akane
says here, but I WILL change it. This is the third or fourth similar
reaction I have received.

=20
=20

Ranma's mind began to race through all the
implications of that and almost missed what Akane did next

=20
Need some punctuation here.

=20
Yes, unfortunately, I did a rather poor job of proofing this. I have gone
over it again, as best I could, but it now looks as though a re-write is in
the offing.

=20

She tilted her pelvis, thereby angling her pert little sex
forwards so that he could see it.

=20
I think "forward" would be more proper here, but I could be wrong.

=20
I was not all that sure how to describe it either. She is tilting the upper
part of her pelvis back.

=20

Akane froze her self in place and gave out a loud
moan.=20

=20
"herself"

=20
Oops.

=20

"Oh, I've been dreaming of this, but it's so big!"
Akane whimpered.

=20
Ranma suddenly changed to dragon form...
=20

Ranma began having trouble holding himself still. His
hips wanted to swing upwards burying his heels in the futon

=20
I'd probably use thrust instead of swing here.

=20
Okay.

=20

Nabiki was very frustrated.

=20
Yes, she seems to be. I'm not going to C&C many of the Nabiki bits, as
they struck me as profoundly...creepy. She seems to have gone beyond a
simple craving for her sister's boyfriend. She's totally obsessing on
him in a way that puts Kodachi to shame. With this sort of prelude,
I'm expecting axe-wielding Nabiki action later on in the fic, and I'm
not sure that's what you're going for here.

=20
You never hafta worry about that in my fiction. If there's gonna be any axe
swinging, you'll see it coming well in advance. More importantly, I never
mix anything more than mild humor with sex. Sex is too important to be
mistreated. Maybe I worded that wrong. Enjoying sex is too important to mix
that other stuff with it.
=20

Nabiki gritted her teeth in frustration. She was happy
for Akane and jealous of her all at one and the same time.

=20
This sentence is redundant.

=20
I missed something here. Blame it on me being in a rush and being tired.

=20

it again. A huge flock of butterflies swarmed around in her

=20
First use of butterflies. And I almost expected her to have suddenly
found the vibrator, as some of them are shaped like butterflies. ^_^

=20
Hah! Yes, I have seen those. Are they useful at all? Never mind, you needn'=
t
answer that question.

=20

"Oh!" Nabiki cried out. Quite without meaning to, she
had begun diddling her distended clitoris with the fingers of

=20
First use of distended. I might use enlarged, as distended sounds a
bit unhealthy to me.

=20
Will do.

=20

The monstrous great
thing that had slid part way into her body no longer seemed
quite so invasive.

=20
"monstrous great" is redundant. I'd use a different adjective instead
of trying for emphasis with two of them squished together.

=20
Okay.

=20

gasped as her distended and hypersensitive clitoris came into
contact with his hair.

=20
Gotta watch out for that distended clit! It might get dismembered!

=20
Okay.

=20

"Oh! OH! It...you touched my heart...Oh, Ranma!"

=20
Geeze, that is a huge cock. O_o

=20
You didn't like the line?

=20

Akane held him in place with her weight for a few
moments, delighting in the pulsing, jerking great thing she

=20
Third use or so of great in connection to Ranma's dick. I guess it
isn't just passable, or pretty good though. ^_^

=20
Well, okay. I'll tone it down a little.

=20

She applied a steady pressure to the thing, forcing it
to slide inside of her. It met no hard resistance. She had
lost her hymen trying to learn the hapkido kick.

=20
Which is why I was a little curious about how she seemed hung up over
"losing her virginity."
=20

=20
Actually a set up for an obviously flat joke. I'll remove it root and
branch.
=20

"Oh, my!" Nabiki said with a loud gasp.

=20
Kasumi opened the door. "You rang?"

=20
What can I say? She's a Tendo. Better yet, what can Nabiki say other than
"Oh, God!" The difficulty with this kind of thing is that so much of it has
been written the author is in an immediate trap.

=20

Akane collapsed forward and pressed herself against
Ranma's heaving chest. She could feel that great powerful
heart of his hammering against his ribs.

=20
Great heart, great cock, or so I've heard...

 Oh, yeah?

=20

"Oh, Ranma!" Akane whispered. "Oh, there's so much of
it! I can feel it running back out of my body!"

=20
This seems a little...dry. ;) I'd think that Akane would express
incredulity and perhaps amusement at the fire hose that is Ranma. YMMV.

=20
The boy ain't never had none. He was loaded.

=20

"Good thing nobody is looking at me right now," Nabiki
muttered. "I'd look a mess."

=20
"I'd look a mess" doesn't make any sense.
=20

Brits might disagree. If I get another complaint on this one, I'll change
it.
=20

"You're worried that I might be pregnant now, aren't
you?"=20
=20
"Yeah," Ranma answered, "but not that I'd mind you
having my baby, don't get me wrong. It's just that if you are
pregnant, we won't make our schedule."

=20
"Why didn't you chill your semen slightly so they'd die? Or go down to
the molecular level and dismember the little bastards?"

=20
Do you have any idea how bad that would hurt? The little boogers can remain
alive at some terribly low temperatures. Heat would work better, but
well...nope. Can't do it that way, either.

=20
Seems that with all the power build up that Ranma has, turning coal
into diamonds, etc, that he'd be able to figure out the baby
thing. Even if Kasumi had to loan him a condom.

=20
Not gonna do condoms. This ain't a public service announcement.

=20

"I knew this was coming, silly," Akane said. "I've
been very careful to keep track and I'm as regular as a
clock."

=20
Oogh, the rhythm method...almost always doomed to fail.

Dicey, yes. Fails every time? No.
=20

Much to Akane's amusement, Mr. Oudai, or "Mr. Big-big"
was no longer quite so relaxed. She felt farther on her
fiance and discovered that his testicles were coming out of
hiding. Ranma grunted as his penis began a rapid rise to
attention.

=20
Ahh, youth. ^_^

=20
Yes, I DO remember that much.

=20

Akane closed her eyes and felt, more than saw the
bright actinic flash Ranma made whenever he changed forms

=20
Good word, actinic.

=20
Thank you. I like "coruscating" as well, but could not find an excuse for i=
t
here.

=20

One of Onna-Ranma's breasts was practically
poking her in the eye. The nipple was so erect it looked
painful.

=20
Killer hurty nipples!
=20

Okay, suggestions for a substitution?
=20

Akane slid her fingers upward along
Ranko's slot until she found her proudly erect clitoris. It
was peeking out from behind its hood and Ranko's inner labia
were fully distended.

=20
Watch out for dismemberment! Though this seems to be a more proper use
of the word.

=20
Why is it exactly you put "distended" with "dismember?" I don't get it at
all. I'll change it, but it really was an effort to avoid the usual flood o=
f
clich=E9 which plagues this genre.

=20

"Uh-huh," Akane said. "Kasumi and Nabiki talked to me
about it. We decided you might be pretty excited after Ranma
and I had sex."

=20
Now, I know some sisters are close. I know Akane/Kasumi/Nabiki are
perhaps closer than most. I'm not sure that Akane would be comfortable
discussing this with her sisters. Throughout the series she doesn't
seem to show any inclination to. In Comes the Cold Dragon they do seem
to be getting closer, but still...

=20
I will weigh this one carefully. My experience suggests that women talk
about such things when men are out of earshot, but this is based on a very
limited sample of the population.

=20

"Oh, my, oh, me, oh, my!" Ranko said.

=20
Kasumi opened the door. "You rang?"
=20

broken out in her belly. A fire fanned by butterfly wings.

=20
There those butterflies go again...

=20
Okay. Eliminate all butterflies, or only use them once or...what
alternatives would you suggest?

=20

Akane's distended clit with little flicks and flutters of her

=20
Doooo...your ears hang low...

=20
Huh? This one went over my head. Yes! The big one!

=20

"Nabiki suggested it."
=20
"That figures."
=20
"Kasumi agreed with her and said that it was time."
=20
"Kasumi?"

=20
Now...I'm going to call motivation here. Akane was ready to wait until
they are done. Now she seems all gung-ho about it after mere
suggestion from her sisters. This feels to me like a reward for the
diamonds, which the sisters were so impressed by. That feels a little
tawdry. Akane, the same Akane that regularly calls boys perverts,
gives it up based on suggestion? Sure, she might have been ready after
their previous girl/girl action, but without hesitation, expectation,
or even a bit of dread? Other readers may disagree with me, heck I
might be totally off base, but it just feels so disingenuous.

=20
Experience suggests that excitement combined with the proof of the male's
ability to support will often do the trick. Maybe I'm way off base. I'll
wait and see what other readers think. Then again, I may scrap this lemon
bit altogether. It has been much more trouble than it was worth.

=20

"Any last words before I take your virginity?" Akane
asked.

=20
The Tendo sisters have a weird concept of virginity.

=20
Oh? Does oral sex count?
=20

=20

"Oh, but that's just it," Akane said as she tugged at
the ivory colored toy attached to the harness she wore, "I do
want to. I'm going to fuck you until you scream."

=20
I liked this. ^_^

=20
Man! I thought I had blown it altogether. Score one for Don.

=20

Akane thrust forward a little farther and stopped. She
waited a moment, then pulled it back a little. Ranko gasped
as though in pain. Akane pressed it forward again, going a
little deeper than where she had stopped the last time.

=20
Ahem. Strap-ons take a little bit of getting used to for girls. It's
not really a natural motion for women to perform, and most are clutzy
at it at best, at least at first. Even accounting for martial arts
muscle control, I'd have Akane fumble a bit with it.

Hmm, okay. I'll seek guidance elsewhere on the particulars. From where I
don't know, but I'll seek it.

=20

blush spread out around Ranko's painfully erect nipples. More

=20
Once, twice, three times a painful nipple...

=20
Gotcha! NO PAINFUL NIPPLES. They're outta here!

=20

"I have half a mind to clomp down the hall and crawl
into bed with them," Nabiki muttered. Thinking of the look on
Akane's face made her giggle. "But Akane would KILL me."
Without willing it, Nabiki drifted off into a deep, dreamless
sleep.

=20
Creeeeeeepy....

=20
Well, I expected this to be amusing, but I can see it hit a sour note with
you.=20

=20

inside. She had to wiggle a little to get the head of his
penis past her entrance, but then it glided inwards as easily
and naturally as water running down hill.

=20
"down a hill" or "downhill"
=20

one slow wave of pleasure after another.

=20

The orgasms came
upon her without warning. They came slowly and lasted a long
time.

=20
Akane is going to be very sore the next morning.

=20
Now there you see? I always thought that was something of a myth.

=20

Suddenly, Ranma jammed himself deep into her
cunt, pressing the head of his heavy dick against the roof of
her vagina.

=20
I'd say "penetrating her fully" instead of "against the roof of her
vagina." Being filled straight to cervix can be painful.

=20
Okay. I'll fix it.

=20

His prick spasmed and Akane felt the slippery
fluid of life once again roll around inside her quivering
body.

=20
Akane would probably be pretty numb at this point, and while capable
of orgasm, she probably wouldn't feel his semen inside of her,
especially with how wet you've already made her.

=20
Roger. Will fix.

=20
Overall, very good. A lot of my comments are very nitpicky, and
perhaps counter to your warning before this fic that you were trying
to portray a more romanticized version of sex. I mostly pointed out
the places where my suspension of disbelief tripped up. I've enjoyed
following this series, thanks for writing it. ^_^

=20
Thank you for taking the time to offer much needed criticism.
=20
Now I must decide what to do with this thing.
=20
Don.

=20
Colleen

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'