I used to be a prereader for this, but I don't remember getting these
chapters, so I'll C&C them on the FFML. If you have been sending me
stuff for preread, please make sure you're mailing to my (current)
address. The execpc.com address won't get mail to me at all, and stuff
sent to the mediaone.net one will be delayed.

Disruptor <mathews1@gte.net> wrote:

	Inside a small cave, the wizard Hazid was furious.  He was so close in

He had been so close	(talking about something that occurred before
the current moment in narration)

claiming his genie, but a fit had cost him his chance.  He grabbed a
breifcase that was on the floor and threw it against the wall, causing

briefcase	(spelling)

the contents to spill out.

	"Why, Lord?"  Hazid asked of a bust of Elvis.  "I was so close to
spreading your worship."

BUST: Thankyew. Thankyewverymuch.

HAZID: The Young Elvis stamp... the Old Elvis stamp... whichever shall I
choose?!?

KUNO: Hey! Stop ripping off my schtick!

	Hazid grabbed a small book from the pile of stuff that fell out of his
breifcase.  He flipped through the pages quickly.

briefcase.

	"Shan-pu a cat, Mu Tsu a duck, Ryoga Hibiki a pig, Genma Saotome a

The characters shown for Mousse's name in the original series read as Mu
Si, not Mu Tsu.

panda, Pantyhose Taro a whatever, Rouge a Shiva.  Hmmm.  I should
prepare more storage items.  But what use are animials such as a pig,
duck, cat, or panda?  If I knew where those other two were...."

As long as he's being comprehensive, let's not forget Ha Bu ("Herb"),
another gender-change curse. There's also Lukkosai, a child, but that
may not have happened yet by the time of this story.

	Hazid snarled and threw the book against the wall.  He waved his hand
over a pool and an image of Akane and Kasumi appeared in the water.

HAZID: Now I must do my secret mystical incantations...
       Awunfathamuni...
       Atufathesho...
And let's not forget the ol' bestiamorphism spell:
       Euweintnuth'nbutahawndawg....

	Hazid caused the image to pan upwards to get a better view of the
countryside where Akane was at.  The area didn't look like any part of

where Akane was.	(Don't need the 'at')

Japan that he could see.  The mountain range the two were traversing was

Suggest: that he had ever seen.
or: that he could remember seeing.
(Unless he has x-ray/telescopic vision, there are *no* parts of Japan
that he can see at the moment. ^_^)

proof enough of that.  He panned the view east until he spotted a very
long wall that seemed to stretch forever.

HAZID: What is this? Pink Floyd? Sacrilege, I tell you!

	"China."  Hazid muttered.  "I must go after them, before they figure

"China," Hazid
(He's muttering the dialog, so it's the same sentence)

	She thought back to when she first saw her female side and recalled

first saw -> had first seen

everything that she had went through.

	"I guess its not too bad.  I can control the change now, instead of

it's

	"Fiancees, rivals, idiots, kooks.  They all want to ruin my life. 
Why?"

HAZID: Because if we didn't, they'd revoke our kook licenses.

	A lead ball appeared in front of the genie's foot.  She kicked the ball
about seventy-five meters.  She shook her head when she saw that.

	"At least I'll be able to clobber Happosai the next time he shows up. 
I'm just not sure how a style designed to kill one specific person will
hold up against everyone else though."

	Ranma looked at her clenched fist and pondered.

	"Magic is my life now, but it was Martial Arts.  There has to be a
place where I can go to learn how to use my magic, without the others
showing up."

IMO, you're overusing Ranma talking to himself as a device for revealing
his character. Try to incorporate some of this stuff into the narrative,
where you can flesh it out with more detail.

	"Kasumi, why didn't you wake me?"  Akane quickly asked.  "If Hazid had
shown up while we were both asleep...."

KASUMI: How am I supposed to wake you if I'm asleep myself?

AKANE: Um... start snoring really loud?

	Kasumi interrupted.  "He didn't show up and I didn't go to sleep.  One
of the side affects of the wish you made for me was that I didn't need
sleep."

	"Er.  Oh," Akane meekly said.

Geez, doesn't she have any reaction to this revelation? "How'd that
happen?" "Tell me more?"

	"We have our ways," the man said smiling. "You came here seeking a cure

said, smiling.

for your curse.  This is a temple of truth.  To be free of your problem,
you must face the truth about yourself."

RANMA: Okay, well, the truth about myself is... I've got a curse!

	"A curse that changes people into what they are not?  Magical
falsehood?"  The man said.  "The power of Truth can eradicate the

falsehood?" the man said.

(What did he say? He said the words "Magical falsehood?" Therefore it's
part of the same sentence, and punctuated accordingly.)

	The man nodded.  "The one you know as Pantyhose Taro has accepted his
curse long ago and is part of the truth that makes him up."

and that it is part

(As is, it says that Pantyhose is part of the truth that makes up
Pantyhose, which doesn't make sense.)

	The man turned to Ranma and said, "Prepare yourself Ranma.  To be free

yourself, Ranma.
(when indicating who is being spoken to, set it off with comma(s))

of your problem, you must go through the maz under the temple.  It will

maze

	Ranma just nodded and folllowed the man to a staircase leading down. 
The man pointed at the stairs and looked at the genies.

the genie.
(unless there's another one besides Ranma, use the singular)

	Akane took a look at the stairs and thought.  *Good luck, Ranma.*

Did she think the words "Good luck, Ranma," or did she just think? If
the former, should be a comma after thought, not the period.

The idea of a wizard who worships Elvis is weird enough that it has good
potential for comedy. I already suggested having him use Elvis songs as
incantations; look for other ways you can use this. The temple keeper
seemed rather annoyingly all-knowing, but I'll wait until I can read the
next part to see how that bit comes out.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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