ffml-bounce@anifics.com wrote:
This is a repost, and I really need some responses here!!! Is anybody
reading this? I'm hoping for some feedback to help encourage or improve my
writing style, so please take the time to read, and then pretty please take
the time to respond!
Ok, quite yer grovelin'... yer messin' up the suit. :)
Oh, and for the record, just because you dun get feedback doesn't necessarily mean that your fic sucks or whatnot... it may merely mean that the reader is a lazy bum, like yours truly. ^^
~the seprent's proposal~
How about... The Seprent's Proposal, all caps... dunno about the '~' thing though... I'm mostly a '_' guy myself. ^^
She could still see him, out of the
corner of her eye, dabbing at the purple tender flesh that had swollen
around his eye. It almost caused her to smirk, though she forced herself to
be content with the smile she held on the inside for now.
Akane: Yeah, because I don't hit Ranma merely out of anger from his insensitivity... I actually _love_ hitting him, because it proves that I actually sadistic macho tomboy tendencies, and _nooo_, it isn't bias or cliche' at all, no no no....
E-heh... well, suggestion... tone down a bit on Akane's Angry Pills and give her some of Kasumi's Happy Pills ^^... she ususally lashes out of irritation or anger, but she doesn't get much satisfaction out of it. She does say the arrogant idiot-pervert deserves it, but smiling because of a black-eye? We-ll... that's a bit much, IMO.
At this point I'd be expecting her to feel a bit sorry for Ranma, even concerned, but her pride will keep her in check, her thinking, 'he deserves it' and stuff.
As Ranma walked down the low traffic road he began to let his
thoughts drift, he couldn't remember the last time a rival had given him a
shiner and couldn't quite figure how it was that all his hard training
seemed to amount to nothing when Akane got angry.
Takahashi Comedic Inconsistencies? The irony of the fact fuels even more omedy in the comics? His hidden desire for the uncute tomboy? His inability to lash out? He dun 'hit no girls,' that 'ain't manly'?
He could sense an attack
>from Ryoga a mile away, but then again, Ryoga always seemed to annouce his
attack with a loud....
"RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Ranma: I heard ya da first time, pig-boy! Hmmm... 5,678... well, at least he's constant about it.
Ranma blinked as his thought was finished for him, and turned in
time to see a charging locomotive heading his way at alarming speeds. Said
locomotive sporting a rather hefty bamboo umbrella and a set of weather
beaten olive colored travel clothes.
Ranma: (blink) Locomotive? (blinks again)
Ryoga is followed by Mousse, while Mousse is followed by Kuno, and Kuno is followed by Hinako!
Hinako: Look at me! I'm a caboose! Woo-woo!
Kuno: Oh, forsoothe!
"What now Ryoga?" Ranma asked flatly having had this drill a
thousand times before.
"What now, Ryoga?"
Ryoga: (stopping for a bit) Huh? Well... (scratching his head) Now look what you did! You made me stop and lose concentration! A sneaky ploy to put things unto your own favor! (Ranma rolls his eyes) It's all your fault, RANMA!
Ranma: What's this about?
Ryoga: You let Akane's fist touch your face, that's what! I'll never forgive you for that, pervert! Prepare to DIE!!!
"What now?" He asked incredilously as he began to throw a barrage
of punches that Ranma easily blocked. "How dare you mock Akane!"
Ranma, realizing Ryoga's reference was to his earlier comment
about her cooking, felt his anger begin to surge. "For someone who's as
eternally lost as you are, how the hell is it that you always seem to know
what Akane and I are doing, P-chan?" He taunted.
IMHO (Strictly of my opinion, mind you), Ranma wouldn't verbalize all that much... he's more likely to use eternally as he would use verbalize.
Ranma: For someone who's as eter... eternngang... ethermmrm... _always_ lost as you are...
"You shut up!" Ryoga roared. "I'd die if Akane tried to feed me
her homecooking!"
Ranma couldn't help but smile at this, "Hey you -do- understand!".
Heh.
"You know what I mean!" Ryoga stopped his attack to square off
with Ranma in the park they had found in the midst of their battle. "For
what you said to Akane, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you Ranma." He spoke
cooly.
"Ryoga, how many times do I have to defeat you before ya realize
you can't win, hmmm?"
"I won't lose."
"We'll see won't we?"
"Well see, won't we?"
Finally
Ranma managed to back Ryoga into a tree but he didn't count on him acting so
quickly and payed for it with a severe blow to the gut. Leaping backward
with several backflips Ranma came to a silent stand off against Ryoga as
each measured his opponent in hopes for an opening. Ranma began to feel his
arm hairs prick up as Ryoga's ki level began to soar.
Ooooh, fight scene....
Suggestion? Break that up into smaller parts, so that people can follow the action without the said action becoming too dragging for their tastes.
Changing tactics Ranma began to leap through the trees to find
more certain ground. Ryoga gave a close chase by ground as he played target
practice with Ranma's agile form. Finding a nice clearing Ranma jumped down
>from the trees and back onto the ground only to have to dodge three more ki
attackes.
Like that... breaking up the action like that would make it easier on the reader's eyes as well as their comprehension. ^^
The sentences on that big cluster of a paragraph seemed to mesh so much because all of it seemed to be setup action and nothing major was happening there? Several suggestions come to mind... first, make a li'l dialogue, even if it's as inane as 'Ranma, die!' and 'Schyeah, right.' Or simply follow the four sentence rule and divide it that way... they're all setup action anyway, right?
"Ryoga DAMMIT!!!" He yelled in frustration. "KNOCK IT OFF WILL
YA?!!"
"Ryoga, DAMMIT!!!" he yelled in frustration. "KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YA?!!"
No. 1... comma use. No. 2... "Ryoga, DAMMIT" and 'he yelled in frustation' is in one sentence, not two seperate ones (because Ranma 'yelled' "Ryoga, DAMMIT!!!"), hence the lower case 'h' in 'he.'
"Whats the matter Ranma, am I too much for you?"
"Why you!!!" Ranma found just enough time to bring his confidence
up another notch and began to swiftly meet each of Ryoga's ki balls with his
own canceling each one out. Ryoga sensing the defeat in this tactic, halted
his attack and felt his depression sink lower as he geared up for his next
one. Ranma could feel the hair on the back of his neck now as he watched
Ryoga surround himself with a menacing blue glow.
Suggest a paragraph break right here.
"Oh shit..." Was all the
thought Ranma had time for, before a gigantic heavy blue ki lashed upward
into the sky from Ryoga. The pressure from all about Ranma began to increase
to agonizing amounts as the ki attack began to peak, and out of a fit of
desperation he had an idea surface.
"Hyru shoten ha revised, shi shi hokodan dragon repel wave!"
'Hiryu Shoten Ha, revised! Shi Shi Hokodan Dragon Repel Wave!'
Capitalization helps a lot in impact, as well as the little fact that certain 'named' moves are usually in the by-every-word capitalization.
Ranma sent a chilled upward punch into the heavy laden ki, forcing
the ki to disperse into a depression ki tornado. Ranma bounded back in time
to see the highly pressurized ki twister sweep Ryoga up and begin to crush
him from all sides. Ryoga let out a startled yell as he felt his body being
crushed to death.
I sense a darkfic, captain!
Ranma stared in horror at the results of his counter-attack, and
hurriedly tried to think of a way to quickly save Ryoga.
"Nice ki wave you got there Ranma."
Suggest: "Nice ki wave you _did_ there, Ranma."
He heard a familiar voice
comment flatly. Ranma shot an evil look at the panty looting
Suggest: panty-looting
Quickly snatching the old man's panty loot Ranma tossed it as hard as he
could into the crushing blue ki twister. "HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE
DOING!!!"
"HEY, WHAT..."
"RANMA I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!"
RANMA, I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
With only a moments more thought on the situation he decided to
continue towards his originally intended destination. He shifted Ryoga onto
his back and carried him piggy-back style, Ranma couldn't help but snicker
at the pun,
"... piggy-back style... Ranma couldn't help but snicker at the pun..."
Suggest here to use ellipsis (...) instead.
"Yeah well thats part of the reason I'm over here doc."
"Yeah, well... that's part of the reason I'm here, doc."
"Oh? You and Akane been fighting again Ranma, or was it with that
boy you have draped over your back?"
Suggest rewording that sentence... the latter part barely made sense.
"well it's a little of both actually. I came to get the eye
examined but this idiot jumped me and I was forced to give em a beatin. Ya
give both of us a look?"
"Well... I was forced to give 'em a beating."
"Sure, set him over here on the examining table." Tofu instructed
and Ranma was quick to comply. It wasn't long before Tofu had Ryoga down to
a pair of boxers and was giving him a thorough examination. "This is amazing
Ranma, I've never seen anything like it before!" Tofu declared. "It's simply
horrible
Suggest: ellipsis here.
Ranma felt his body go limp at the implication that he had managed
to hurt Ryoga that bad. "Will he-" Ranma stammered. "Will he recover?"
"With time and rest, yes, I'm sure he'll make a full recovery, he
just needs to take it easy for a while and take this tonic once a day." Tofu
produced a small vile
I think that's 'vial.' ^^ Oh, and all this talk about damaged ki and Ryoga beaten to a... well, pulp isn't exactly it... has me intrigued. What impact does this have on the story as a whole. (I must make note that I'm c&cing this as I read, if ya dun mind).
"Sure thing doc, thanks for everything."
"Sure thing, doc... thanks for everything."
so I'm leaving Ryoga here's care to you.
I'm not so sure about this sentence either. ^^ I know what you're trying to convey, but the sentence seems akward in conveying it.
"Yeah sure, again thanks! See ya around."
Suggest: "Yeah, sure. Thanks again!"
"I want to see him again in a couple of weeks or so, so be sure
and tell him for me."
Also this one... how about "... be sure to tell me of his condition..." or somesuch so it wouldn't be so akward.
"Alright doc," Ranma agreed. "Though I'll probably end up having
to walk him here," He added wryly as he made his way out the door.
The trip back proved to be rather peaceful, with the sun just
starting to sink below the horizon and the sky begining to come ablaze in
colors of reds oranges, and pinks.
... a slight calming breeze wafting through my skin, Ryoga's unconscious, the trees rustling slightly in the wind, and the birds chirping... yep, nothing but calm and serenity here.
It all felt nice for a change, no
problems no worry's save the baka draped across his back. Ranma simply took
his time enjoying the moment, trying hard not to think about Akane and how
she was sure to react when she saw Ryoga unconscious.
Nabiki: Heh... now Ranma'll look like his old man, with his soon matching pair of shiners.
subconscious was alerting him to, but still, nothing.
Suggest getting rid of the comma or instead using an ellipsis.
Slowly, steadily,
Ditto.
He tried hard to get a fix on it but was interupted by a passing
van as it splashed water from a puddle in the road onto him and his charge.
His stalker momentarily forgotten Ranma began to curse under her breathe as
she turned around to snatch up the fallen piglet from the sidewalk. "Aww
geez, now what?" she groaned as she held the piglet out at arms length. "I
can't take you home like this! If I bring Akane's precious -P-chan-"
Ellipsis after P-chan to indicate it's to be continued, like:
"If I bring Akane's precious -P-Chan-..." Ranma-chan spat the name bitterly, continuing, "... home like this, she'll kill me for sure!"
Ranma-chan spat the name bitterly. "home like this, she'll kill me for
sure!"
Ranma: (blinks) Though it sure would have saved me a lot of trouble just carrying you this way... now why didn't I think of that?
She let a defeated sigh escape her lips when she suddenly remembered
her follower. It was gone!
She looked about again as futiley as she had before but still no
sign of it, not even the subconscious warning she had goten before. "Aw
dammit!" She swore,
she swore,
"Why the hell did that van have to go and do that
anyway?! Geez," She sighed. "Well lets
let's
get you back to normal then." She
said to the unconscious piglet dangling from her fingers at her side.
Ranma: Yeah, let's get only _you_ normal while I carry your big lug of a body home in my girl-form.... (pause) Now why exactly would I do _that_? o_O
After passing several more blocks she finally came to the
okanomiyaki
okonomiyaki
shop her friend owned and slipped in the front door with a
friendly (yet sheepish)
suggest getting rid of the parenthesis as well... it doesn't need to be there, IMO.
"Sure Sugar, I was just warming some up in the back for my
cooking, you can have that if you want, though theres not much. I'm a little
busy myself so you'll have to get it yourself."
"Uh yeah sure, thanks Ukyo!"
"No prob Ran-chan!" She flashed a smile.
Ukyo: (shaking head) Gee, lookit _that_ shiner! Dun worry, Ranchan, ol' Ucchan'll will treat you just right so you'll finally understand I'm the one of you. (various customers cringed a bit as a certain cook began giving out a spine-chilling, slightly demented laugh).
Without another word Ranma placed the piglet on the counter and
dumped the kettle's contents ontop of it. As expected the form instantly
changed back into a man, and Ranma quickly reclothed him. A few short
seconds later she had him scoopped up over her back again and resumed her
trip home.
Ranma: Well, whaddya know! That's exactly what I'm gonna do! I must be a maso... masoch... I must like hurting myself a lot! 0_o;
It was dark when she finally reached the Tendo's and pulled open
the front door. "I'm home!" She announced
she announced
Once Ranma reached her room she found an extra futon and layed it
out to set Ryoga down on. She produced the small vile that Dr. Tofu had
givin
given
"No, too powerful, it's....too powerful!" Ryoga moaned from out of
his slumber. Ranma stood up and turned out the lights as she walked out and
shut the door behind her. She felt pretty bad about the whole mess, but
wasn't sure how to make of things yet.
So do I... intriguing... first off, Ryoga's injury. What meaning can this have to the story? I wouldn't know, at the pace I'm going... yet intriguing nontheless. Moving on....
"I just remembered Soatome, that fried rice we ate not half an
hour ago."
"You're right Tendo, how could we be so foolish to -fill ourselves
up- so soon before your two wonderful daughters brought out such delicious
looking dishes they must have worked so hard on." The two men gave sheepish
apologetic laughs at each other.
"If you want me to try it Ranma I'll try it!" Akane challenged.
This is new... not in fanfic convention, mind you... I think I haven't ever seen this in the manga or in the anime, correct me if I'm wrong. ^^;
Akane reached for the nearest bowl of cury and eased a little to
her lips. Everyone gathered, held their breath in anticipation as they
waited for Akane to take the first bite. A dog in the distance barked at
what was anyones guess. As Akane's lip parted everyone gathered seemed to
breathe in as one. And then she ate it... The entire house seemed to grow
quiet as they awaited her reation... And then.... They had it. Akane began
to choke.
"Quick someone get Akane some water!" Someone shouted.
"Quick! Someone..."
"you see what I mean, Akane?" Ranma asked.
"You see..."
"If- if I'm such a bad cook Ranma!" She began to scream out as her
throat cleared. "Then why don't you go and marry one of your other fiances,
at least -they- can cook." She shouted as she began to cry. She quickly
turned and bolted from the dinning room and up the stairs.
Well, that's one reason why Ranma shouldn't do that. ^^;
"Akane!" Ranma called after her. "Dammit, why does she have to
take everything so personal?!!"
"RANMA!" The floating demons head of Soun Tendo appeared before
Ranma in all it's menace. "Now look what you've done!"
"Hey knock it off!" Ranma shouted up at the demon's head.
Ranma... shouting at the Demon Head of Soun Tendo? Hm... getting that darkfic feeling again... maybe darkfic is a bit much... how about 'serious fic' since this is definitely not 'cheery fic.'
"Akane!"
She called after as she ran up the stairs in pursuit.
"Oh my." Was all Kasumi could say as she watched the turmoil
unfold before her.
Akane raced up the stairs and headed down the hallway towards her
room. Why was she crying, she wondered.
It's either 'Why was she crying? she wondered' (not sure about that) or 'She wondered why she was crying. (a bit bland, I admit... but works)
Why did Ranma always make her cry.
... make her cry?
"You beat up on him you mean." Akane spat.
"You beat him up, you mean," Akane spat.
"Ranma, why can't you just admit when you hurt people?"
Oooh. The most 'impactful' line in the whole fic. ^^ An intriguing concept... Ranma does hurt a lot of people, though he doesn't mean to most of the time, or he's just lashing out at circumstances given to him. This is getting really interesting... I'm wondering how you're going to pan this out, dear author. ^^
Later on the roof Ranma watched the expansive night sky loom
before her in an endless sea of twinkling stars. It was beginning to get
cold but she didn't care, she had to much on her mind to care. Just what
happened with the Hryu shoten ha today, she wondered. I would never have
expected that! The whole scene replayed in her mind. She could see herself
shouting out her revision as her fist pounded the cold ki into the heavy
depresive ki that crushed
rushed (?)
"Do I have problems admitting when I hurt people?"
(whistling) I like this concept. Like it a lot.
"Y'know Ranma, it doesn't really seem fair. When I hear you hurt
Akane, I can't help but get enraged. I lash out with my anger in hopes to
avenge Akane's feelings, but in the end you still won.
win.
Ryoga didn't comment. Gently he lowered his back to the roof next
to Ranma and peered up into the depthless sky. "Y'know I never get tired of
looking at the night sky. Especially when it's as brilliant as this."
Ryoga: At times, it's the only thing I can get to look at, me being lost and out in the cold most of the time. Many nights I spend here, just looking at the stars... my only distraction.
"I'm not sure to tell the truth,
Also akward. Suggest leaving it at "I'm not sure..."
The next day started as usual... Sorta...
'The next day started as usual... sorta....'
"Comon boy, wake up! It's the start of a new day, and as a martial
artist it's important you don't sleep it away!" Genma yelled at the sleeping
female form of his son. "Comon, Ranma! It's bright and early, why just look
out the window boy, the day is practically screaming with possibilities!"
said Genma as he hurled Ranma out from the window into the koi pond. Nabiki looked at the bald man's handiwork as she came upstairs to check out the raccous.
"Gee, Mr. Saotome... it's more like the day is practically screaming with expletives," the second of the Tendo sisters idly noted as she pointed toward a sputtering, cursing and definitely wet Ranma down below.
"Real early," came the muffled reply again.
Genma and Ranma's gaze both drifted down to the stiff figure at
their feet and then back at each other. "Ranma the life of a martial artist
is-"
"Ranma, the life..."
"Yeah yeah, frought with peril, I've heard this a thousand times,
so whats it got to do with -me- gettin up at four in the mornin huh?"
so what's it got to do with -me- gettin' up at four in the mornin', huh?"
Ryoga let out a sigh as he heard the two exit the room and shut
the lights off behind them.
Ranma: Pop?
Genma: What is it, boy?
Ranma: Since when did our room have lights?
Genma: Huh? Well... how am I supposed to know, boy? I'm a martial artist, not an electrician!
"So thats what this is about, who told you that?"
"So that's what this is about... who told you that?"
"Boy, you gripe just like a woman! I'd say that curse is starting
to effect your head."
to affect your head."
"What'd you say!" Ranma warned.
"What'd you say?!" Ranma warned.
"You heard me boy, why you didn't even bother to become a boy
before you went to bed last night! I've even seen you galavanting around in
girls clothing too! Thinking of ending your engagement with akane for
Ryoga?" Genma taunted.
"... Akane for Ryoga?" Genma taunted.
Oh, and btw... nice one, Genma. ^^
"Where are you going?" She asked puzzled.
"To go find him, duh!"
Heh. Good luck.
Ranma took to the rooftops in hopes of making some headway on the
lost boy, but felt that his attempts would prove futile. As random a path as
Ryoga took, he could walk a hundred miles and still be in Nerima, or walk
fifty and be three cities away. It was practically hopeless. At least he
thought so before he found his first signs of destruction. A hole in the
wall here, a mangled mail box there, a leaning light pole. He found him self
snickering. Ryoga was aparently not very happy about getting lost either.
Now that's a new take on 'a trail of breadcrumbs' for the lost boy!
She hung her head in defeat yet couldn't bring herself to give up.
She took only several steps before she felt ~it~ again. The presence. The
feeling she had gotten earlier yesterday just after her fight with Ryoga.
Something was watching her she was sure. What was odd she realized was that
this thing must've seen her transform twice now. It seemed to dissappear
yesterday after she transformed then and now seemed to reappear after it
happened again. She wasn't sure how this connected, but felt that it must.
Shrugging off the feeling she resumed her search of the lost piglet making
sure to make careful note of any changes in the presence that seemed to
hover about her without making itself known.
Some new super powerful villain/evil league/evil overlord? There's only one way to find out....
"Ranma isn't this Akane's, P-chan?"
Suggest: Ranma, isn't this Akane's pet, P-chan?
"Why can't you just leave P-chan alone?! Honestly!" Akane
screamed, and then proceeded to stomp off in a huff.
"Well I.. But- Akan- Ah, you dumb uncute tomboy whadya know
anyway!"
"I heard that Ranma!" Akane screamed back, Ranma ducked just in
time to evade a stone statue Akane had found on the nearby roadside. Which
Ranma intellectually retorted by sticking her tongue out and flapping it at
Akane.
"Ehhhhh, stupid jock-girl, couldn't hit the ocean if you were
sitting on the bottom," Ranma taunted through her flapping tongue.
Unfortunately she was too busy taunting to react to the road-sign Akane had
managed to unearth.
Ranma picked herself off the ground mumbling inaudibly for her own
benefit as she watched Akane continue her jog down the street. She
remembered ryoga and managed a shrug. At least this way he won't get lost,
she mused.
Life as usual for Ranma. Miracle of miracles... he forgot to apologize about last night too.
"All Shampoo need do is finish delivery for great grandmother and
then her and Ranma go on date!"
"Go on a date with your grandmother?" Ranma asked mortified.
"No silly then you go on date with Shampoo!"
Heh.
"That's not funny, Ranma!" Mousse yelled. "I'll make you pay for
stealing Shampoo's He~~art." He screamed as he made a lunge for Ranma, which
Ranma simply avoided by hopping off Mousses head
Mousse's head
adversary. "Now I'm going to make you suffer." Shampoo watched Mousse
through narrowed eyes as he made threatening gestures at her.
through narrowed eyes as he made threatening gestures at Ranma (coz, really... the her pronoun can be used either on Shampoo or Ranma... in the pigtailed girl's current condition.
"Oh Mousse you such a hunk, Shampoo never stay mad at you! We
marry now, yes?!" Ranma tried her best attempt at a Shampoo impression.
"Oh Shampoo do you really mean it?!" Ranma rolled her eyes as
Mousse began to bawl profusely.
"That not funny, Ranma!!" Shampoo chastised. Mousse didn't hear
>from all his sobbing.
Heh. I beg to differ. ^^ My, is Ranma in one of her 'cute' moods now... she's a regular comedian. :)
Shampoo looked down at the two martial artist she had just slammed
into the concrete, brushed her hands, and slung her bombori over her
shoulder. "Serves you two right!" she said, and then proceeded to walk off
in a huff.
Now that I've thought about it, just when did Ranma ever actually insulted Shampoo in canon which would actually make her mad enough to do that? After she knew about Ranma's curse, she has become quite attached to her that it needed a reversal gem for her to even consider beating 'Ai-ren' down.
She looked down at Mousse, unconscious and face down in the dirt,
and sighed. "Why are things always like this?" She muttered, and with a
slight shrug she continued on her way home.
Nodoka: It has something to do with the curious appendage you call a mouth, dear.
He began
to wonder at the implications of this but couldn't bring himself to any
other conclusion than fatigue and confusion being it's cause.
Does it really have any implications other than that, dear author?
NOT MATTER ANYMORE?!! He thought incredilously. Oh no! Maybe pop
was right, maybe my curse ~IS~ Starting to effect my head.
Ranma: Oh no, not another one of those Ranma-Ranko fics again! GA-H!!!
"Alright thanks!" Ranma walked to the back den where at the door
leading out to the dojo, a small cat paced back in forth rubbing at the
wall. Ranma scooped the cat up and nudge it's nose with a friendly smile.
"Does little Akane want outside?" She asked in a childs voice, and giggled
at the small mew she recieved in response.
Ranma: o_O Lemme hold on to that thought for a little while longer.
It was only several feet to the dojo but Ranma took her time
breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the fragrance of the afternoon
blooms as they spread in varying colors all about the many gardens planted
around the rim of the house and dojo. As she reached the dojo she peered
through the window and caught sight of the two sparring martial artist.
... the two sparring martial artists
Oh yeah... btw... after the furo, things suddenly became a bit weirder than they usually are... ga-h, what the heck happened, some sort of makeshift surprise dream sequence?
"Spying on Ryoga again lil sis?" She teased. "I swear Ranma you're
just like a little school girl." With that anology Nabiki left a blushing
yet inarguative Ranma to herself, and proceeded to slip in through the back
door. Ranma-chan sighed, and then pushed herself in through the door to the
dojo.
Ranma: That little sentence tells me my guess was mostly right on the money.
Ryoga and his father broke off their duel and turned to see Ranma
as she walked in through the door. "Hey There Ranma, come to join?"
Suggest: "Hey there, Ranma! You wanna come in and join?"
Almost as though an unspoken word or signal to begin had been
sounded they leaped at each other as one, each engaged in a colorful dance
of martial beauty. They moved with such grace, mere words couldn't
accurately define. Each delivering countless blows and blocks in their
seemingly deadly waltz. Their forms were perfect and accurate as each one
anticipated the others move like it had been their own. It wasn't long
before their smooth deliverance was relocated to the outside and their spar
became more airial.
aerial
Oh, and correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Ryoga suck at aerial attacks?
Ranma smiled deviously at Ryoga as she slipped in an
underblow he hadn't expected, and Ryoga for his part, faster than thought
countered with a swift foot sweep. They both chuckled softly at the others
expense and continued to deliver and recieve blows.
Ranma: 0_o
Ryoga: (right eye twitching)
It wasn't long before
they had reached the Koi pond and began to skirt it's edges with precise
foot-work. Their dance began to elevate to it's climax
Ranma: WHOA! What the hell? Whaddyameanclimax?!? Who climaxed? Who??? NOBODY climaxes without PERMISSION!!!
Ryoga: (groaning, shaking his head with his right hand on his face)
when Ranma accidently
stumbled over a carelessly discarded bucket and slammed into Ryoga toppling
the both of them into the pond.
See above about paragraph-breaking. It ain't bad, it just seems... needlessly dragging for me. Paragraph-breaking, IMO, would make the action flow more freeier... would make the reader's eyes flow freeier, as well. ^^
They both resurfaced at the same time and Ranma looked over at the
small white haired girl that looked back, and felt her cheeks rise to a
blush again. "I'm sorry Ryoga, that was so stupid of me, lemme go get some
hot-water for you okay?" Ryoga-chan nodded despondently.
Ryoga: (looking hotly at Ranma, shaking him like a leaf) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TO ME THIS TIME, RANMA??? EH?! EH?!? (stops) Gee, usually my hair's blue when I'm a transexual in most fics... BUT THAT'S BEYOND THE POINT! ISN'T IT, RANMA???
Ryoga pulled her closer to his face to get her attention, her eyes
fluttere d
Extra space the--
Ranma: What the heck is with this 'fluttered' thing?!?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The loud scream echoed
Ranma: Ditto.
Akane approached the furo skeptically and leaned in to test the
water. "That's because the waters cold you moron!" She stated bitterly.
"Ranma did you go to sleep in the bath again? Honestly, and you wonder why
the waters gone cold! How long were you in here?"
Hey... it could have been the Soul of Ice training kicking in... though that would mean Ranma-chan'll be stuck in a tub-sized ice cube.
"Ranma!" She heard a voice call. She turned to see Genma and Ryoga
coming from the back-yard. "I see you're still a girl, boy. You're starting
to worry me. Sleeping in your girl form, screaming in the bath-tub at stupid
dreams, whats next boy, you gonna give up martial arts?"
dreams, what's next boy, you gonna give up martial arts?"
Ranma: Whaddya mean, you old g--Oooh boy... flashback... Genma's Daughter....
"Don't be stupid old man!" Ranma retorted. "I can kick both your's
your (apostrophe 's' not needed in this situation)
She mustn't attack first she knew, it had to be them. Her focus
had to be on that initial attack to prepare her senses for the divided
battle. If she attacked first, she left herself wide-open for a
counter-attack and it was too early in the game for slip-ups. She had made
the boast and she intended to carry-through until these two understood who
they were dealing with.
This fight has an impact in the story as the previous fight? Meaning there could be yet another dreaded powerful counter-attack from Ranma this time around?
then it happened. As though a silent agreement had passed between Genma and
Ryoga the two ran at an increasing momentum toward Ranma, each building his
strength as he rappidly approached.
each building his own strength as each rapidly approached.
Ryoga dropped with her and dropped two punches on her that she
sumersaulted backwards from and catapulted herself back to her feet.
I take it Ryoga has recovered well enough by this time, ne? Wasn't ti just yesterday when he faced near death by a powerful depression tornado, or how long was Ranma out of it in the furo?
Ryoga was quick to his feet, staring daggers at Ranma. He wasn't
about to let Ranma make a fool of him like this in front of Akane. Genma was
at his side a second later exchanging tactical info with him. Ryoga grinned
as he felt sure that Genma's plans must surely work.
Ah yes... Genma may be a fool, but when it comes to martial arts, his tactics are to be reckoned with. Oh yeah... since this fight is taking up quite a lot of space in the fic, I have to yet see its full relevance... what is the major thing that's gonna happen here? Wouldn't want to see a needlessly long fight sequence that ends inconsequentially, ne?
She spit out the blood that was welling in her mouth and wiped the
excess from her lips with the back of her hand. She realized then with a
curious sense of horror and giddiness, she was still having fun!
The crux of the situation is near at hand....
She had never truly realized it before, but upon reflection she
could see that she had always enjoyed these sort of battles. The battle
against Herb. The battle against Saffron, and Pantyhose Taro. The battles
that truly tested her limits were the ones she lived for, they -were- her.
The feeling must have escaped her each time she faught such powerful duels
because of Akane. It seemed most of the time she -ever- had any real
opponent to battle it was to protect Akane. In this sense of needing to
protect she lost some of the flavor that she would have otherwise have
savored in such crucial battles.
That's an interesting way to put it... but, like the Battousai-Kenshin argument, would it stand enough on its own with overbearing, protective and mostly forgiving Ranma who never kills (just like how a good hero should). Well, it all depends on how this pans out, of course.
Most of the fights or duels she fought on a regular basis were
nothing compared to those fights. They never had much -real- challenge to
them. Ryoga was the only regular opponent she ever fought anymore with any
building talent. The rest of the fighters were as strong as they had been
when Ranma had first encountered them and had never really gained in any
strength, except Ryoga, that is. It was then she had another revelation.
Without Ryoga, she would have had no reason to take the immense strides that
she had to be the martial artist she was today. He was the reason for nearly
every important technique she had mastered within the last year and a half.
Him, not her father, or Akane, or the challenger of the week. It was Ryoga
who she was always in constant rivalry with, and without whom she would have
no one to fully train with.
Yup. Though everyone was setup for Ranma and Akane in general. The super-powered martial artists were there to make Ranma realize he loved Akane, Ryoga and co. was there to help him train to become the best martial artist ever, the fiancees were there to... uh... probably put Ranma and Akane together, more or less. Everything is focused on this in the Ranmaverse, it seems... everyone having a role to bring Ranma and Akane closer and closer to each other.
The Ryoga bit is merely one aspect it, really.
instant and then gasped suddenly. "Look it's fifty yen!!!" She screamed
while pointing in a vague direction at the ground.
Genma wasted no time, he dropped to the ground at the indicated
spot on all fours. "Where!! Where!!" He cried as he frantically searched the
ground over.
"GOTCHA!!!" Ranma shouted triumphantly as she pile-drove her elbow
into the back of her fathers head.
father's head
Ranma: (looking at Genma's fallen form) So sad. So very, very sad.
"Ranma you have to take him to see Dr. Tofu!" Akane exclaimed.
Ranma forced herself to find
'... forced herself to look at...'
Akane's worried face and nodded in agreement.
register. "I have to finish dinner!" she said almost in surpirse as if she
surprise
Oh, come on! Kasumi's not that much of a basket case!
Dr. Tofu scoopd
scooped
Ranma dug through her pockets and produced the small vile,
vial
and
handed it to Dr. Tofu who took the vile and stuck it on a shelf. "I'm afraid
this won't be much good anymore," He stated
he stated
"This is a special chinese herb that works soley
solely
any kind. Any exertion of his ki can further his condition, and possibly
cause irreperable damage?
Question mark not needed.
It wasn't until he had given up on the tracks and decided on a new
road to follow that he felt it. The -presence-... He had felt it twice
before.
So, Ryoga felt the -presence-... could it actually have something to do with all this bloodlust coming down lately?
"Hmmm, your probably right. I don't know that
if
I could stand that
either." Ranma agreed. "Tell you what, we'll do this for now until I have a
better idea." Ryoga fumed, but silently nodded. "Good," Ranma acknowledged.
"Let's get home, everyone else has already eaten and I'm bushed."
"You alright Ryoga I was so worried!"
Um... consider revising this sentence as well. ^^;
end chapter one.
Ga-h! Presence... where's the -presence-?
Obi Wan Ryoga: It is all around us, the -presence-... but dun be forced into the dark side....
Well, so far that's the logical conclusion I could come up with the presence thing... the so-called 'dark side' (the bloodlust that suddenly reached Ranma a little over the end of the fic)... though this may have nothing to do with him. Anyways....
The fic was good. All it needed was a bit of spit and polish and it could be _very_ good, with various grammar mistakes and all. Several points were made, but so far there was nothing... well, coherent or definite about the said points to warrant a clue to the reader about what this fic is all about. There's Ranma's acidental hurting of Ryoga, and then there's the usual conflict with Akane, then there's the 'you can't admit when you've hurt someone' argument, and then the dream sequence which brought out the curse plot point, afterwards after that there's this recurring -presence-, and then Ranma's bloodlust and then more injuries afterwards... so many plot points, all unresolved, and none seemed to give a concrete theme to whatever the conflict Ranma is supposed to face.
In simple terms, there was so many problems presented, but still there's no apparent main conflict. Hopefully, chapter 2 may fix this... though, I'm telling you, this must be one helluva chapter 2 to be able to pan out any of the conflicts. I suggest picking just one, and going with it.
Last thing to point out... man, that was long. ^^;;;; I know that I myself have a penchant for long chapters, but this one had so many things and conflicts that it could fill up several chapters! It looks just that... a whole bunch of chapters jammed-pack into one chapter. I do seriously suggest separating all these, really. ^^;;;;;
Ja!
said the doggone tired Abdiel
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