Andrew Huang wrote:

On Fri, 21 Dec 2001, Brian Randall wrote:

    Sorry about this one being so late on the response. I've been
slacking off, but you know, Real Life, and whatnot... �_�

    No problem. I know plenty about that myself. x.x

    Happens to everyone, then.

    Well, I'll have to hope I can guess the manga bits, then. Is this an
altaverse?

    Why yes, it is. :)

    Ah-hah. I see.

Captain Katsuragi; he had already seen that bad ID mug shot in that NERV
database....

    Parenthetical asides are a detractant (or so I'm told) so you might
want to offset that with dashes, or, you might be better served by
ignoring me entirely. :)

    Mmm, I think I'll keep that here. :)

    Stylism is a good thing. Parenthetical asides can be well done, and I didn't see a problem with the one you had used.

 Huge, mostly black, and ugly. Aircraft popped up from nowhere,
surrounding it like gnats--and then getting swatted down like gnats, by

    I want to say repetition of gnats, but as it is, it just _works_. So
you might as well leave it alone. :p

    Yes, it was done quite on purpose, to emphasize the metaphor.

    Again, stylism is a good thing. :)

    Breaking the rules in the name of creativity.

 They drove a few minutes more, the sounds of carnage slowly fading

    I might have missed it, but you allude to 'sounds of carnage' here --
were they mentioned before?

    Basically, just the explosions and fighting happening, I suppose.

    True enough, though it wasn't mentioned before. You might want to. ;)

    'blame, was' this is somewhat jarring, but could probably be
overlooked in the name of stylism. You _might_ want to add an 'and'
there, but that's merely a suggestion.

    Yah, it's a stylistic thing of mine. :)

    See?

 "Yes." Damn it, what does this kid not know? He couldn't have read all
those files, could he?

    This, on the other hand, is more jarring, since it's a sudden leap
from Shinji's PoV, to Misato's.

    Hm; I suppose you've got a point, but.... n.n; It's a little late
to fix that, now.

    Ah well. :p

    Woah. I thought that they were concealing that information to the
very end. Would Ritsuko bandy that information about so casually?

    She does so in the manga, I do believe.

    Interesting...

    I like this. Shinji's not got spine -- that would be too easy. He's
got too _much_ spine.

    Oh, yes, indeed. And quite a lot of Issues.

    Heh!

 "What was that, Shinji?" asked a voice through the comm.

    'comm.'?

    Sorry. A bit of slang, I suppose.

    Might want to steer away from that too much in prose.

 He finally reached the surface, with a jarring thud. He shook his head
to clear it, then peered around. Lumbering into view was the now-
regenerated Angel. An unholy grin alighted on his lips, and he chuckled
softly.

    His, or the Angel's?

    Shinji's.

    You might want to clarify it, even though it could be inferred.

    I generally don't care for EVA fanfics -- my fault because I resent
EoE -- but this one intrigues me.

    Ah. I'm glad mine has grabbed your attention, then. :)

    It's a good read!

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!