On Thu, Nov 29, 2001 at 04:19:05PM -0500, Talley, Jason A wrote:
Hey,
This is an idea for a magical girl story I've been knocking around
for a while and would like some feedback on it. Thanks.
Amusing. Seems nicely original to me, but my only exposure to the
magical girl genre is through Ranma/SM crossover fics.
Hold Guardian Lovely Lana
Holy Guardian Lovely Lana? Sounds formulaic. As you said below, this
_isn't_ about Lana, it's about family.
Yuki Yamazaki was a normal 14 year girl growing in Tokyo with
her mom, Kyoko, and her older brother, 17-year-old Makoto. When not
going to school she likes to hang out with her friends, watch TV, read
manga, eat and give her brother and hard time.
That's all? No extracurriculars? No sports, no musical talent? Any
plans for her future besides fighting for <insert catchphrase here>?
That all changes one night just after Yuki goes to bed. In her dreams a
woman named Nimbi comes to her. Nimbi claims that she was once a high
Dreams, huh? Lotsa girls getting visions in Tokyo these days, I
hear. My suggestion: "memories" start coming back to her, sorta like
the way that her brother gets memories below, but they're very
swisscheesed, and all she gets at present is the infodump listed below.
priestess in the kingdom of Atlantis. She tells Yuki that thousands of
Atlantis, huh? The way I see it, Atlantis is almost passe these
days. You have Atlantis in Nadia, Atlantis in Escaflowne, Atlantis in
Disney movies, a kinda-sorta Atlantis in Laputa... Perhaps you can
work with it, but perhaps you should pick a different mystical
city. Maybe one that actually has only one or two purported locations?
years ago the people of Atlantis used their great knowledge of science
and magic to forge seven mystical objects called the Soul Keys. The Soul
Please tell me that this is not going to devolve into "Find the Keys
so Bruja can't." or "Find the KeyBearers and protect them." You can do
better than that. And why seven? Why not just one?
Keys allowed that Atlantiens to open a gateway to the Spirit World. They
then began a program of learning and exchange with the beings of the
Spirit World that pushed the glory of Atlantis to even greater heights.
While most inhabitants of the Spirit World where friendly, some where
not. To protect their city from possible attack by evil spirits the
I don't know what kind of mythology you're using, but most Spirit
Worlds aren't inhabited by anything that's going to want to help
humans any chance they get. The only pantheon I can think of that
usually was on the side of humanity as a whole was the Norse gods, and
then you're bringing in Ragnarok, which might not work so well with
your storyline.
mages of Atlantis worked their magic to create the Holy Guardians; An
elite team of young female warriors skilled in magic and combat.
Why female? Or rather, why specifically female? Surely you're not
going to say that women are "more holy" than males or some such
nonsense?
All was peaceful until Bruja, another priestess, used black magic to
The Atlanteans are Germanic? Sure, it sounds nasty, but keep in mind
where your people are coming from.
contact the evil beings of the Spirit World and form an alliance. The
evil spirits would invade our world, destroy Atlantis and enslave the
human race. As reward for her help Bruja would be made Queen of the
Earth.
She had better have one heck of a warding spell to keep her "allies"
from turning on her.
So Bruja stole the Soul Keys and began to weave a spell that would allow
the evil spirits to come though the gateway. But the Holy Guardians
And the good spirits were sitting idle all this time?
learned of Bruja?s plan and arrived in time to stop here from fully
opening the gate. But the gate had been opened enough some that many
beings from the Spirit World, both good and evil, where sucked though.
Really? They can't override the spells of some puny humans?
(They would go on to be the creatures of myth and legend around the
world) The gate then began to collapse in on itself. It was this that
Hmm. Going to have the standard vulnerability to iron?
brought an end to Atlantis.
Is the gate a physical construct? Why would it have an effect on the
weather? Or are you changing Plato's story?
While Atlantis may have been gone its spirits remained. Nimbi goes on to
tell Yuki that the Soul Keys weren?t destroyed, but turned to soul
energy which has hidden themselves in humans souls. She also says that
Are these Keys sentient? Or was this part of the "good guys"' damage
control?
Bruja?s soul escaped Atlantis and has been resting, regaining its
strength ever since. Now Bruja has awakened and will begin a quest to
find the Soul Keys so she can again try and open the door to the Spirit
World.
You'd think she'd learn. And isn't it a nice coincidence that both
Bruja and Yuki awoke at the same time?
Lastly, she tells Yuki that she?s one of the Holy Guardians reborn at
that she must stop Bruja?s plan. Also, the soul keys have been hidden
within the souls of humans and that the souls hiding the Soul Keys are
somewhere in Tokyo.
Is this just a lucky coincidence, or do these people instinctually
draw towards eachother? Seems like a poor survival tactic, unless they
know how to use the power of the Keys.
Nimbi then says that she?s going to send Yuki and spirit guide named
Shugotenshi who will train and mentor her though her quest. But since
he?s a dream spirit Shugotenshi has no form. Yuki will have to imagine
one for him to manifest in our world. At this point Yuki wakes up.
Now Yuki grew up a fan of magical girl shows so, surprise, the form she
thinks of is a really cute animal type thing (haven?t quite figured out
what yet) with wings. Think Kero-chan. But Shugotenshi is a great sport
about that and actually doesn?t seem to mind this form. He then
whammies up some magic gizmo disguised as jewelry that will turn her
into the Holy Guardian named Lovely Lana.
Yay magic gizmo. But why do you need it? Why not embed the power in a
tattoo around her wrist or something that _can't get lost_?
But by then it?s morning and Yuki?s mom is yells at her to get ready
before she?s later for school. Yuki promises Shugo-chan (as she calls
him) that they?ll have a long talk about all this when she gets back.
Some hours later the Yamazakis are all gone and Shugo is exploring his
new home. It?s then that Makoto, Yuki's brother, comes back from school
early. He sees Shugo and quickly mistakes him for a ?bake mono? or
goblin. He then proceeds to grab a bat and chase Shugo.
And why does he think it's a goblin? Is he particularly superstitious?
A bit of possible dialogue:
?Prepare to die, you stinkin? goblin! No way am I going to let you eat
my family!?
Of course, Shugo can fly so Makoto doesn?t get anywhere and Shugo?s
attempts to explain himself fall on deaf ears. Finally, Makoto gets a
bright idea and grabs a can of bug spray and a facemask. Turns out that
while Shugo can fly he still needs to breathe. The bug spray quickly
puts him down for the count.
Shugo can't get out of the house?
It?s then that Yuki comes home just in time to see Makoto finish beating
Shugo to death with his bat.
?You idiot! You killed my animal mentor! How the hell am I supposed to
be a magical girl without an animal mentor?!?
?Uh, animal mentor? Magical girl??
Is she supposed to just blurt out the news like that? Seems like
they'd put some sort of mental block in to keep her from accidentally
betraying herself.
But moments after administering the deathblow energy begins to shoot
from Shugo?s body into Makoto. Think the Quickening from ?Highlander?.
Never seen it.
A furious Yuki quickly fills Makoto in what happened last night,
berating him all the while. It?s then take Makoto comes to a
realization. As Yuki was telling him the story images of what she was
talking about began flashing into his with a clarity that could only
come from someone who had been there. After a bit Makoto discovers that
if he concentrates he can draw forth memories of Atlantis and it?s
knowledge. He goes on speculate that in killing Shugo he somehow
absorbed the spirit?s knowledge.
?Hey, you don?t need that bloody pile of pulp back in the living room to
mentor you. I?ll do it!?
?You?!?
?Sure! Who better than your handsome and wise older brother??
?I have a handsome and wise older brother? So why didn?t mom and dad
keep him and sell you to the circus??
?Very funny. But hey, with this all these memories of Atlantis in my
head I can teach you just as good as anyone.?
?Yeah right.?
?Okay, so I?ll be learning on the job but I can do this. Besides, you?re
going to need my help anyway.?
?No way! I?m the Holy Guardian not you.?
?True. But I bet this Holy Guardian thing is going to involve running
around the city at all times of the day and night. And just who do you
think is going help cover for you with mom??
?Er??
And so Makoto gets the job of Yuki?s mentor.
One of the things I hoped you picked up on is that Makoto and Yuki fight
a lot. She thinks he?s a jerk and he thinks she?s a brat. Thing is,
they?re both right to a degree. Yuki cares more for candy and TV than
she does for school and Makoto spends a lot of his free time chasing
girls with no luck. He?s also a photographer for his high school
newspaper and wants to be a photojournalist when he grows up. Of course,
he?s not above using his camera to spy on and take pictures of women.
At first I wanted this to a story mainly about growing up. Thing is, I
was never a 14 year old girl and all the episodes of Sailor Moon in the
world aren?t going to make me think like one. So after some more though
I realized what this story should really be about; family.
You see Yuki and Makoto?s dad abandoned the family for reasons unknown
five years ago (yes, it?s a plot point I?ll deal with later in the
series). Makoto then saw it as his role to be the man of the family. He
may act like a jerk sometimes, but nothing is more important to him then
making sure his mom and sister are okay. It?s this drive that makes him
follow Yuki around during her adventures, often putting himself in
danger. But hey, it?s a big bad world out there and a guy can?t just let
his kid sister fight evil without backup, right?
While she fights with him and insults him all the time Yuki knows why
Makoto does what he does. She knows that if Bruja wins her family will
be destroyed and there?s no way she?ll let that happen without a fight.
Very nice.
Of course, Bruja?s not going to take all this laying down. She
finds someone to search for the Soul Keys for her while she prepares a
new gate to the Spirit World. Bruja?s proxy will be Yuki?s main rival
Why not get the Keys first? Won't that let her weave her spell faster?
It seemed to be necessary before.
for all this. Her name is Bad Donna. She dresses like a cross between a
Bad Donna????? Please, you can do better than this.
magician?s assistant and a Playboy bunny. Think Pixy Misa but at 17 and
with a nastier attitude. Or maybe the magical girl from Otaku No Video.
Of course, Bad Donna has a secret identity too. Turns out that
she?s a girl named Midori that Makoto goes to school with who has a
crush on him.
One idea I?m kicking around is that Makoto develops a huge crush on
Donna even though she?s a bad guy. Much to Yuki?s annoyance.
?Stop lusting after my arch-rival, you horny jerk!?
?Hey, can I help it if your arch-rival is a grade A babe!? Why couldn?t
she be as ugly as you? Then there wouldn?t be a problem.?
?Ggggrrrr!?
I also think it would funny if Midori?s crush on Makoto started to bleed
over into her Donna persona. She knows he has a connection to Lovely
Lana but thinks he just chases after her to try and get pictures of her
to become famous.
Donna: Hey, handsome. Why don?t you forget the brat and take
pictures of me exclusively? I promise to make it worth your while. Maybe
a ?private? photo session in my hot tub?
Makoto: Ooohhh?evil?magical girl?hot tub goodness. Must have!
Lana: I heard that, you pervert! Now get out the way so I can
blast the EVIL VILLAIN WHO?S TRYING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!
Donna: Oh, her again. Hey, you don?t have some kinda Lolita Complex
thing going on with her, do you?
Makoto: With her?! Don?t make me sick!
Donna: Just what I wanted to hear. Stay there, cutie. After I
make Glenda the Good Witch go splat I?ll let you take me out for
dinner.?
(Donna flies off to fight Lana)
Makoto: Okay! Uh, wait. Donna evil. Yuki good and my sister.
Must help Yuki. Dammit, being good sucks! I help save the world all the
time! When the hell am I gonna get some women!?
Another idea I?ll get around to is that the other Holy Guardians
are girls from all over the world. At some point Yuki will use magic to
transport herself to other countries to track these girls down and
awaken the power with in them to help her with a critical battle. But
that?s way into the future so I haven?t put much thought into to it
beyond that.
You _need_ to put thought into it, or your story won't go anywhere.
I'd read maybe the first one or two chapters, but it had better be
good to keep me reading.