Yeah, you finally posted one!
This may be brief, since I'm at work and I've been on an Anime binge lately,
I knew I should have stayed away from IRC. Too much Anime, not nearly enough
free time.
Snippets below.
KPJAM
In general your writing is fine, I do have a couple problems with this
though.
Hopefully this won't sound too harsh. Start the fic after Ranma leaves.
Unless you're going to go more in-depth to the lead-up for Ranma's
departure, just cover it in flash-backs later. The point of the fic isn't
going to be his leaving, it's going to be what happens after he leaves.
Currently you're not saying much about his relationships with the people of
Nerima, so don't bother, now. You can have him discus it with people later
on, or some other device to convey what happens to us stupid readers.
The flow of time is confusing - It reads like Akane walks into bathroom on
Ranma- Ranma reflects on last couple weeks and thinks of an incident in the
past. You describe the incident, with the most of the Cast having
lunch(we're still in the past but you start changing the tense from past to
present. Then Ranma wakes up a few hours later and gets the mallet. He
runs into his mother and she quickly arranges a get-away for him. The
question that isn't clear is when do these things happen?
You have some nice parts in here and I want to see more, I've told you that
before. ^_^ SO I hope your 'soon' is much 'sooner' than my soon. Also,
these are just my observations and opinions, ignore at will, I realized a
long time ago I look at things a little differently than most. ^_^
Ja., I really have to start working again.
-----Original Message-----
From: RndBau [mailto:rndbau@info.com.ph]
Sent: Thursday, October 25, 2001 8:41 AM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Cc: v-chan@bigfoot.com
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] [Xover] [Various] Two Steps
Back, Three Steps Forward
Good day all!
This is my first time to post on the FFML and this is my
first released fic. I was watching several anime series over the weekend,
ranging from Video Girl Ai to Gatchaman. (No, I won't include Gatchaman as a
crossover. Ai and Youta? Maybe.) All that watching inspired me to write
something. It also gave me a headache but that's a different story. I wrote
this up in MS Word 2000 and directly cut and paste it into MS Outlook. I
have no idea what the formatting will look like. If it's messed up, please
say so and maybe you can suggest a way to fix it. Anyway, as I said, first
fic alert so I expect a lot of errors, grammatical as well as story-wise.
C&C please. If you must flame, flame constructively, preferably using sacred
fire from the Cherry Hill Shrine.
<sounds and actions>, (my inane comments), [thoughts],
{panda signs, streetsigns and other reading material}
KP: from a purely grammatical point all the above is
non-necessary. You should be able to tag these things inside the story, not
rely on the above, at least not in prose. If this was script some of these
tags would be necessary and used.
None of these characters are mine, I never said they were
mine and anyone who says they are mine would be wrong.
Two Steps Back, Three Steps Forward; Part One
By: rndbau
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It was a sunny morning in Nerima. Birds woke up twittering
to the morning dew while basking in the light of a brand new day. The skies
were an azure majesty that stretched across the horizon to kiss the faraway
mountains. Crickets were chattering in the background and everything else
was as serene as they could possibly be.
"Ranma, you pervert!"
Serenity, just as in the Silver Millenium, died a grisly
death.
KP: this was little confusing, especially with the abundance
of SM crosses, I thought for a second Usagi was going to pop out. ^_^
"How is it my fault this time you uncute tomboy?!" Ranma
shouted back. "You walked in on me. Again! I put the 'occupied' sign out
this time."
KP: I wouldn't put the full stop after "on me" the "Again"
seems to be attached to the first part of the sentence.
"'I' always do this? Excuse me Akane, but it seems to me
that every time this happens in the bathroom, you walk in on me. Makes me
think you're the perverted one here. I mean, don't you even check the damn
door for the sign anymore? Didn't you even see my clothes on the floor of
the changing room? Jeez..."
KP: there is a stray single quote after the "I" that begins
the paragraph.
He had thought that things would be better after Jusendo
and the failed wedding attempt. Actually they did get better. for a while at
least. He had a few relatively sane weeks following the fiasco and thought
things would go on like that for quite some time. Boy, was he wrong. After
three weeks of relative calm, Uchan had come over bearing okonomiyaki as a
peace offering. Ranma had been hungry since he'd been training all morning
and Kasumi hadn't even had lunch ready yet so seeing as he was a bottomless
pit anyway, accepted the offer.
KP: I'd try and either break this sentence up or rearrange.
"After three weeks of relative calm, Uchan had come over bearing okonomiyaki
as a peace offering, arriving right after Ranma had finished his strenuous
morning work-out. He had been ravenous, realizing that lunch wouldn't be
ready for some time, he graciously accepted the offered food on behalf of
his bottomless pit of a stomach.
Maybe that was a little better, couldn't help the
embellishments. ~_^
KP-- this is where the flow of the first installment goes
wrong in my opinion. The wording of this paragraph implies flash-back or
Ranma remembering something in the past. In the paragraphs following this
your wording becomes present tense without actually changing the scenes back
to present tense.
This was of course, when Akane came home from a friend's
house. Things had gotten progressively worse from then on. Ranma was
malleted for flirting with Ukyou and was yelled at by the two idiot parents.
Shampoo then showed up and glomped onto him just because she wanted to and
this caused another hail of projectiles headed his way. Ryouga, for once,
got to where he wanted to go and saw the carnage and decided to join in to
pound Ranma. Happosai saw the girls fighting and wanted to join in for other
reasons. Mouse then arrived and shouted his trademark 'my darling Shampoo'
and immediately hugged Genma. All of this ended with a pretty banged up
Ranma from all the objects he tried, and failed, to dodge. (One stone
ornament, eleven spatulas, a couple of bandannas, nine shuriken and a
training potty, a pair of bonbori, six happodaikirin from out of nowhere and
a bouquet of black roses. Figure out who was responsible for them
yourselves.) Ranma was thinking of what could possibly compare to his day
and suddenly realized that he could, in all honesty say that he had had
worse. Not much worse, mind you but yes, worse. They all had the same
circumstances, most of the same cast involved and the same arguments and
opening lines. The only thing different here that made it less worse, was
that the other, less insane Kuno was not in this equation. (Yes Tatewaki is
hitting on more cylinders than Kodachi, but he certainly isn't hitting on
them all.)
KP: This paragraph should probably be broken up on the
whole. Also, you use the word 'worse' too many times. ;p see I'm not the
only one who overuses the same words.
The arguments and fights were thankfully defused by a
smiling Kasumi, who announced that lunch was ready and everyone 'playing'
with Ranma was invited. So everyone ate in relative peace though a heavy
silence settled over the table as Ranma noticed a certain miasma of
hostility in the air. He saw from the corner of his eye each of the girls
glaring at each other, a lump of pork glaring his way and a Peking duck
glaring at Kasumi thinking that she was Ranma, to which the oblivious teen
merely smiled back in return.
Ranma was thinking again. He was unused to the activity
since in battle, if you had the time to think, you were already dead. He was
used to just doing things based on instinct and familiarity. While this
situation was indeed familiar, he wasn't enjoying any second of it. He
thought of all the times the actions of this morning were repeated and
calculated that they happened at least three or four times a week. This was
troubling to the martial artist since he didn't want this to be the pattern
to his whole life. He had come to a decision. He would take control of his
life immediately. Well, maybe as soon as he finished dinner. (Kasumi's
sukiyaki was to die for after all.)
After dessert had been served and consumed, Ranma stood up
and cleared his throat dramatically. "I have an announcement to make," he
nervously managed to squeak out. "As you all know, my life is as messed up
as it could possibly be. I have been attacked almost every day of my life by
either blind fools (while glaring at Mousse), idiot parents (staring at Soun
and Genma), dishonorable, stupid pigs lacking a sense-of-direction (guess
who/what he looked at) and uncute tomboys." The last was said, not with a
glare, but with a rather sad and wistful look at Akane.
"I have come to a decision," Ranma managed to blurt out
with a little more conviction. What happened next was not in the plan.
"Oh happy days! The families will now be joined!" shouted a
dancing Soun with the customary rising sun war-fans and confetti. Genma soon
joined the dance and chant adding a beach ball and unicycle from his bag of
panda tricks.
"Oh Ranma honey! Thank you! I accept. We can get married
this afternoon," squealed an enthusiastic okonomiyaki chef.
"Wo ai ni! Wo da ailen! <blah blah>," giggled a bouncing
Shampoo who, in her excitement had reverted to her native Chinese. (I don't
know how to speak Chinese, I know some people who do but I'm quite sure they
don't speak the Joketsu dialect.) KP: Then improvise. "Wo AI ni! Wo da
ailen!' giggled a bouncing Shampoo. She continued to speak in her native
language that know one present, save Mousse, could understand.
The scenario was mostly universal, affecting everyone in
the room with almost the same results. Kodachi had clung onto his arm
proclaiming that her Ranma-sama had made her so happy by choosing her.
Ryouga had screamed out a standard "Ranma, prepare to die", this time for
agreeing to marry all of the girls. Mouse had attacked with his fist of the
white swan screaming that he'll never have his Shampoo and unfortunately hit
a water pitcher on the table. Needless to say, with all of 'em being the
water magnets that they were, the Jusenkyo gang got wet. Instant zoo, just
add water.
Ranma was stressed. He was angry. He was also a wee bit
frustrated since he was a now technically a she, a buxom redhead and he
didn't even get to make his announcement! P-chan was biting down hard on his
leg. Akane, apparently not noticing the pig transform, was swinging the
table Ranma's way. Ukyou and Shampoo were trying to kill each other. The
fathers had brought out the sake and were celebrating the wedding. Kasumi
was pouring tea. Thank the Kami that Nabiki was out of town or else he'd
have to pay for all this. Cologne was ROTFL. Shampoo was clinging to his
pant leg with her claws. "Wait a minute. shampoo + cold water, factor in
claws and clinging to his leg. Hmm. What does this mean anyway?" Ranma
mused. Shortly, a startled but quiet "oh" was heard.
"CAAAAAAAAAAT! Get it off me! Get it off me! AAAGH!!!"
As we said before, Ranma was stressed, angry and
frustrated. It only took stress and the presence of a c.c. feline to induce
the catfist state, coupled with the other factors, he got there in record
time.
"Rrrroowww.," hissed an angry Ranma-neko. This was
apparently enough to make everyone back off for a while. Akane, thinking
that Ranma would, as per the old days, come to her and sit on her lap went
forward and knelt down near Ranma and tried to coax him closer.
Unfortunately, she called him with a much louder voice than you're supposed
to use when trying to cajole an angry feline to calmness. Ranma attacked.
What came next was the most graphic, gratuitous, and
gruesome display of Anime violence the world (or the FFML) had ever
witnessed. It was also rather therapeutic.
Akane was still. She was sprawled out in the middle of the
Tendo dining room with her clothes all tattered and torn. Her stomach, arms,
legs and face were crisscrossed with triple parallel lines, which were
lightly bleeding. Her hair was a tangled mess, some of it several meters
from where her body lay chopped off by a molecule thick ki-claw. In the room
full of people (and animals), not a creature was stirring, not even a
Mousse.
Ranma was wondering why everyone went still all of a sudden
and staring at him so he decided to just look for a good place to rest and
maybe take a catnap. Bounding over on all fours, he snuggled into a
comfortable lap and began licking his 'paws', cleaning them of the blood and
gore that now smeared them. [Hmm, this not taste good. Mental cat-note; do
not lick paws after attacking violent short-haired girl. Almost as bad as
her cooking.]
Kasumi looked at the body in the middle of the room. She
saw that her little sister was still breathing so figured that she'd be
okay. With Doctor Tofu out of town, she had to care for Ranma and the others
when they were injured so she had considerable experience with tending and
diagnosing injuries. This one wasn't so bad. She was jolted from her
thoughts when a sudden weight pressed down on her legs from her kneeling
position at one end of where the table used to be.
"Oh my," Kasumi breathed out. "Ranma, are you alright?
You've never come to me before and this is the twenty-sixth time you've been
in the cat-state already."
"You counted?" asked a bewildered Ukyou.
"Well, yes. At least I think it's twenty-six. Let's see.
There was the one at school, the one at the beach with Elder Cologne, one
time at the market, once when Midori-chan form next door chased her cat
here, once when. ," counted Kasumi while ticking off the numbers on her
fingers.
"We get the idea Kasumi," mumbled Ukyou while folding
Kasumi's hand closed to stop her counting.
"It seems that son-in-law no longer trusts Akane," stated
Cologne. "He wouldn't come to Kasumi if that were the case. He must like
this Tendo girl the most now among all of you."
"My Ranchan trusts me!" shouted an emphatic Ukyou. "I'll
show you."
<swipe><swish><slice>
"Um. maybe not right now." mumbles a slightly pale Ukyou
while holding what was left of the handle of her battle spatula.
"I would suggest you not make any quick and sudden
movements right now Kuonji-san," advised Cologne.
"I agree," whispered Ukyou.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Several hours later, a male and non-neko Ranma is in the
dojo contemplating. "If that happened before I even told them my decision,
what would they have done if they actually heard it? Maybe I should just
leave. The Saotome Secret Technique! I could use that and leave until I can
get a better idea of what I want to do! This is perfect!"
While Ranma was lost in thought, Akane walked in carrying
P-chan and sat beside him. She had changed into a gi and had one of Genma's
spare toupees taped on her head. "What were you going to tell us in there
Ranma? You said you already had a decision." Akane was fidgeting heavily and
clasping her hands together. Something seemed to be really interesting with
her hands since she was just staring down at them.
"Well Akane. It's like this. I've been thinking and."
"Oh here you are Ranma. I've been looking for you. Here,
drink this," ordered Kasumi while handing him a cup of tea. "It should make
you feel better and a bit more calm after that incident before. "It's
chamomile tea. Supposedly, it helps ease nervousness and stress. You too
Akane."
"Thanks Kasumi," replied Ranma while taking the offered
cup. "I think I'll need this and maybe a lot more for today."
"You're welcome Ranma."
"Thanks oneesan. I'll bring the cup back to the kitchen
later," said Akane. "What were you saying before Ranma?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This being an anime world, the inevitable happened.
A-choo!
"Gesundheit, Akane," Ranma automatically replied.
"Ooh! Someone must be talking about me," Akane giggled after
the forceful sneeze. She looked at Ranma and noticed that his eyes had gone
wide and were staring at her front. [Why that pervert! He's staring at my
breasts! Wait... Ranma's staring at my breasts? Cool!!! I have to act angry
now or he'll think I'm enjoying it.]
What Akane missed (well she is quite oblivious) was that
when she sneezed, her toupee slipped off showing an ugly bald patch and more
importantly, she spilled her tea. Chamomile tea is best served really hot.
Really hot tea means really hot water. Akane sneezed. Water spilled. Akane
was carrying P-chan. Guess what happened.
"R. R. Ryouga?" stammered a wide-eyed, short haired,
uncute, tomboy.
"A. hehe. he," chuckled Ryouga while scratching the back of
his head. [Something wasn't right here. A minute ago he was taking a nice
nap in Akane's arms. Now he was sitting on her lap, looking up into her
angelic face. also, he was a bit wet. Hmm. Oh yeah, he was naked too. ]
"You. you.. YOU PIG!" screamed the aforementioned tomboy.
"Akane! Stop! No, don't! It's not what it looks like! I can
explain!"
<WHAM><WHAM><WHAM>
"Ryouga you jerk! Not only are you P-chan, you also peeped
at me, lied to me and worst of all, YOU BROKE MY FAVORITE MALLET!!!
AAAAARGHHH!"
<WHAM><WHAM><WHAM><SPLASH>
"Good thing I had a spare," finished Akane after bouncing
Ryouga off the compound wall and into the koi pond.
Heh ^)^
Ranma was looking wide-eyed at all the destruction and
mayhem in the Tendo Dojo and out into the yard. He knew Ryouga was tough, he
learned the Bakusai Tenketsu after all. Hmm. maybe Ryouga needed to take the
advanced course.
"RAAAAAAANNMAAAA!!! You jerk! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Uh-oh," said a certain pig-tailed full-time martial artist
and part-time projectile.
<WHAM>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Hmm, I wonder where I'm gonna land this time?" He
calculated his velocity, angle of launch, licked the tip of his index finger
and held it up and guessed his approximate landing point. He saw that he was
heading for the NFPF, or the Nerima Fluffy Pillows Factory. He breathed a
sigh of relief then since there was a chance he would land in something
soft. Unfortunately, Ranma had a guardian angel and his name was Murphy.
There was a sudden gust of wind and he was thrown a few meters to the right.
He checked his trajectory again and saw his new landing spot. "Oh no." He
had been saying this a lot as of late, but he had a very good reason now.
The factory to the right of NFPF was the NFMC. Yup, the Nerima Fireworks
Manufacturing Co. "This is gonna hurt."
<BOOM>
Once again airborne, though not as high as the last time,
Ranma saw that he was heading for Juuban Park. "Perfect! I'm headed right
for that fountain. The water should break my fall even if it does turn me
into a girl. Hey, who's that walking down there. <splash> glub glub."
"Don't move!" commanded the silhouette. The sun was behind
her and he couldn't see her face. All Ranma could see was the katana drawn,
glinting in the sun and laying against his exposed throat.
"Ranma? Is that you?"
"Mom?" Ranma couldn't believe his luck. His mom was just
the person he wanted to see right now.
"Son, why are you playing in fountains at your age? That
isn't manly you know."
<Gulp>
"Uh mom. never mind. Can we go to your place? I need to
talk to you."
"That would be fine my son. I need a favor from you also."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Several dry towels and four cups of tea later, Ranma was
wrapping up the story of his day.
"So that's what happened mom, and that was just today."
"That. that... that's absolutely insane!" exclaimed a
shocked Nodoka. "Wait, we are talking about your friends. I guess it's
normal enough. And it is Nerima after all."
"Yeah, too normal. It happens every other day! It's getting
to me. I'm afraid if it doesn't stop I'm really gonna hurt someone. I nearly
maimed Akane this morning while in the catfist. I've never done that before,
to Akane at least. She was always the one I went to when I was neko-fied.
I'm scar. afra. I'm. I'm worried mom."
"Hmm. This might not be so bad Ranma. Remember what I said
before about needing a favor?"
"Yeah, but what does this hafta do with."
"Hush child. My sister over at Hinata Springs is the
caretaker of an Inn there. Our mother left it to us when she disappeared
several years ago while travelling the world's hot springs. She's busy
taking care of her restaurant so she needs someone to take care of the place
as a kanrinin for the summer. Your summer vacation has just started so I
told her I'd ask you if you were willing. I realize that this will take you
away from all your fianc�es, your father, Ryouga and all your friends, but
please consider this request. You don't have to answer right now, think
about it fir."
Nodoka's words were cut off abruptly as she found herself
being swung around the room by an enthusiastic Ranma.
"YES! YES! I'll do it mother! When do I leave? Is tonight
early enough? I can pack real fast! What'll I wear? Should I take my
long-sleeved Chinese shirts? The silk might shrink in the hot water. I need
to buy a new toothbrush. Maybe that blue one with Pikachu on the handle.or
should I get the red one with Bulbasaur? Oh no! However shall I choose? I
must have them both!"
<SLAP>
"Ranma! Control yourself," scolded Nodoka putting her hand
down.
"Gomen mother," said Ranma. He then made a mental note to
himself; break Kuno's jaw at the earliest opportunity.
"Um. I think tomorrow will be good enough son. You'll like
it there. We stayed there a few times when you were little. I'm not sure if
your friends are still there though."
"I had friends there?" wondered Ranma. "How long ago was
that?"
"It was thirteen years ago I believe. We stayed there with
my mother and your Aunt Haruka for the summers when I wasn't teaching. You
made a lot of friends there. Maybe they still live over at Hinata Springs."
"This sounds just like what I need mom. Imagine that. Two
whole months without being threatened, attacked, malletted, poisoned and
etc. Two months with nothing but HOT WATER around me. Two months without
pops! This is gonna be great!" exclaimed an obviously jubilant Ranma.
"It's settled then. I'll just call your Aunt Haruka and
confirm that you'll do it. He said she wanted to see you since she missed
you so much. She was often your nanny you know."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
<ring-ring>
"Moshi-moshi, Hiantasou. Haruka speaking."
"Haru-chan, this is Nodoka. I'm just calling about that job
you had for Ranma."
"Doki-chan! Did he accept? I was just about to call Kaori
to ask if her son Keitaro would like to volunteer."
"No need for that sis. Ranma's agreed. He'll be there
tomorrow. How's the little pest by the way?"
"Do you mean Keitaro or his mother?" chuckled Haruka.
"You're still the same Haruka chan," replied Nodoka while
sighing wistfully. "I meant Keitaro of course, but I guess it does apply to
our little sister."
"She said that Keitaro was still pushing for Todai but he
flunked the past three entrance exams. She's losing hope that he'd ever get
in but is still pushing him to find a job first."
"That's our sister. Impractical as ever. I just hope poor
Keitaro doesn't suffer too much because of it."
"Let's get together sometime, just the three of us. No
husbands OK! I don't want to feel left out. Seta-san and I didn't actually
part on happy terms you know. Though I still see his sister's family once in
a while, Seta hasn't called me in over a year."
"Don't worry dear, we'll get together soon. I've got to go.
We still need to get Ranma packed and ready for tomorrow. I wish I could
accompany him but I have work tomorrow so you'll just have to greet him.
Don't worry, he's hard to miss."
"Really? And why is that dear sister?"
"The pigtail is a dead-giveaway. He'll probably be wearing
a red Chinese, silk shirt and black pants. Take care of him OK? I'll see you
soon."
"Alright. Bye Doki-chan! I'll call Kaori to tell her that
the position's already filled."
"I told you not to call me that Haru-chan. I hated that
nickname. Tell Kaori I said "hi" and thanks sis! Goodbye, see you soon!"
<click>
"Alright, Ranma. Everything's arranged. You're to go
straight to Hinatasou and your Aunt Haruka will meet you there."
"Meet me there? Doesn't she live there too?"
"Yes, but she mostly stays at her restaurant. You'll be the
manager and handyman of the inn so you'll be alone most of the time unless
you have guests. I think she has a couple of residents at present' but I'm
sure you'll get along with them as well."
"OK. I can handle that. It gives me more time to train and
practice. The repairs are easy enough to handle since I've got a lot of
experience at the Tendo's place. This'll be great! Thanks mom."
"You're welcome my son. Now let's head to the Tendo Dojo and
pack your things. You need to catch the train early tomorrow morning."
"Alright. Let's go!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
End Part One
Part Two; coming soon (if my boss doesn't catch me at the
office) Heh, that's why I like my office. The odor closes. ^_^
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