Comments@@
It's only my opinion,
but please return it after
you're through with it.


From:
        "Steffan" <sscriv@ivic.net> | Block Address  |
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     To:
        "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
 Subject:
        [FFML] [Ranma_SM][Fanfic] A Beautiful Day in
the Neighborhood
   Date:
        Sat, 20 Oct 2001 18:19:47 -0700





I don't own these characters and I couldn't afford the
income tax if I did.
Let Takahashi-sama and Takeuchi-sama deal with the
Revenooers.  So there.
:p

@@ IMO the real purpose of the disclaimer is
to give proper credit to the genius and hard work
of the original author. For that reason I prefer
a more sober disclaimer.


I've seen all sorts of Ranma-as-Senshi crossovers....
those and the "Uncles"
story lines are interesting concepts.  But Ranma
doesn't necessarily *have*
to be related to any of the Senshi, nor does he
necessarily have to *be* a
Senshi.....

@@I kinda like if Ranma is actually Makoto's mother
and Akane is Ami's sister, but that's just me.



What, I wondered, would happen if Nodoka happened to
be their next-door
neighbor?

@@NODOKA: "Welcome to the neighborhood, girls. This is
Kent Montana-san, he lives down the block. And
Bog-Muggoth-san is at 668, right next door."


{If you don't get the reference, "668: The Neighbor of
the Beast" by Lionell Fenn}

(And before you comment on it, yes, I know they're
OOC.  It's also WAFFy
and, if I continue the story, will more than likely be
a Ranma-and-Akane
fic, if not a Ranma-and-everybody-under-the-sun fic. 
Hey, I like tomboys.
Besides, what fun is fanfiction if you can't play with
it a bit?)

@@NEVER pre-judge your own story. That's my job. ^_^
Let the reader decide if it's OOC or WAFFY. (If you've
got a lot of sex, violence or lawyers you can put a
warning, otherwise let the reader make a judgement.)

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

@@EEEEEEEE!!!! I'm having visions of Mr. Rogers.

by Steffan


**SPLASH**

Ranma Saotome swam to the edge of the pond, got her
feet under her, and
trudged out of the water.  Wringing her shirt out as
much as she could
without taking it off -- Kasumi's lectures on feminine
modesty had been
getting rather pointed lately -- she shook the water
out of her eyes and
looked around.

@@I thought it was Akane that talked about feminine
modesty?

*Nice park,* she thought.  *A lot nicer than anything
around Nerima.  I
wonder where the tomboy dumped me now?*  These trips
by Air Akane weren't
happening as often as they had been.  Ranma didn't
know if it was because
she was finally learning to think before she spoke, or
if Akane was
beginning to mellow a bit.  Maybe it was both.

@@Might want to change " . . .she was finally . . ."
to 
" . . .HE was finally . . ." both because Ranma would
probably think of himself as "he" no mater the body
and because the sentence is a little confusing
otherwise.

Mellowing or not, however, Akane *still* didn't know
how to cook, she
*still* insisted on cooking, and she *still* insisted
on feeding the result
to Ranma without tasting it herself.  And Ranma
*still* had to comment on
it.  And Akane *still* got mad about anything Ranma
said -- or didn't say --
about her cooking.  And Akane *still* had that damn
mallet.

@@Errrr . . .I think I just OD'd on *still*.
You _might_ think about rewriting this.  The thesaurus
is your friend. ^+^
@@@@

It was getting better, Ranma thought, but Akane still
had her moments.  She
snorted.  She still had them herself.  Maybe the
tomboy would learn how to
cook when *she* finally learned to watch her mouth. 
She straightened her
clothes and started walking.  Maybe one of the locals
could tell her how to
get back to Nerima.  She noticed a small, dark-haired
girl coming toward
her.  The gang of boys following the girl made her
scowl.

@@Your use of "she" is confusing. Can't tell if you're
talking about Ranma or Akane at first read. Writing
about aqua-transsexuals can be confusing. 

And I know that getting around in Japan is suppose to
be confusing but surely Ranma can get back to Nerima
w/o help. He spent the last ten years of his life
wandering through the wilds of Japan, China and who
knows where else. Perhaps::

" . . .could tell him the fastest way back to Nerima."

OR

" . . . could tell him the best way back . . ."

Hotaru Tomoe was having a *very* bad day.  It wasn't
so bad at school -- she
was used to it by now -- but when some of her
tormentors decided to follow
her, jeering and poking at her, it was all she could
do to *not* transform
to Sailor Saturn and do a Silence Glaive Surprise on
Kenichi and his...
*friends*.  She twitched and tightened her grip on her
books.  And stopped
when a redhead *sprang* in front of them in a move
that took her breath
away.

@@HOTARU: "HEY, you give that back. I need my breath.
I've been sick. Well, actually I've been dead, but
that's another story."
@@@@

"You little creeps wanna gang up on a girl?"  the
redhead snarled.  "You
wanna try that with *me*?"  She gave the boys a smile
that reminded Hotaru of a hungry youma and cracked her
knuckles.  She then started to.... glow.

@@GANG-O-BOYS: "ME ME!" "No me first." "I'm the
oldest!" "Wanna                                       
   see my Elephant impression?"
        ONA-RANMA: "Eeeeeep!"

"If you're still here when I count three," the redhead
said in a voice of
doom, "You're gonna learn not to pick on girls."  She
smiled. It wasn't a
nice smile. "One.  Two.  Thr--"

"Uhgottagobye!"  Zoom.

@@Don't do sound effects. You might also play with the
timing of this a little. And add a bit of description
of the GoB's. 

EXAMPLE::

	"Freak!" Kenichi taunted, "I told you what would
happen if you came back to your school."

	You little creeps?"  the redhead snarled.  "You wanna
try gangin' up on *me*?"  She gave the boys a smile
that reminded Hotaru of a hungry youma and cracked her
knuckles. 

	If you're still here when I count three," the redhead
started to glow, and a dark stain spread across the
front of Kenichi's pants. "You're gonna learn not to
pick on girls."  

	Kenichi started to cry.

She smiled. It wasn't a nice smile. "One.  Two. 
Thr----"

	Kenichi's track coach would have been proud.

@@@@

@@Obviously this is NOT the only way to do this, but
it illustrates a few points.  IMO it's better to SHOW,
rather than tell.
SHOW Kenichi & co. being mean. SHOW the effect Ranma
has on them.
Make the scene more active and switch between Ranma
and the GoBs and Hotaru.  In this case I only used
your character Kenichi, but you could make a more
detailed scene showing more of the GoBs interacting
with Hotaru THEN Ranma showing up. 

@@@@ 


<SNIP>

"I'm Hotaru," she said.  Chatting about school, and
friends, and boys, she
led the way down the street to the home she shared
with the Outer Senshi.
She glanced at the house next door... the construction
was finally finished,
she noted.  She still didn't understand what could
have happened.

@@Neither can the reader. Elaborate on this just a
smidgen. 
@@

"No, couldn't be," Hotaru heard her new friend mumble.
 Ranma was staring at the house next door, a look of
shock on her face.  "What's the name of the family
living there?" she asked.

"The Saotomes," Hotaru said.  "Auntie Nodoka is a
wonderful lady," she
smiled, "and makes the most fantastic cookies."  Not
to mention adopting the Senshi in all but name, Hotaru
carefully didn't mention.  Maybe the idea Ami had of
using the Mercury Computer to find Auntie Nodoka's
missing husband and son was worth trying....  She led
her friend up to the door and opened it.  "I'm home,"
she called.

@@Errr??? After a couple of tries I _think_ that this
story is supposed to be set before Ranma meets his
mother?  OTOH, the "construction" led me to believe
that it takes place after the episode where her house
is destroyed? This section needs work to clarify
things. I usually tell people to edit, cut out excess
passages. In this case I recommend many more words to
paint a more detailed picture of what is going on, how
and why. And, again, SHOW, don't tell. SHOW the senshi
and Nodoka interacting, don't just have Hotaru
thinking about it. 

@@@@









***

The Senshi were having a meeting.  For once, it wasn't
in the Hikawa Shrine.
It also, not for the first time, included a
non-Senshi.  Everyone's favorite
adopted aunt sat on the couch, flanked by Setsuna and
Usagi, who were
holding her hands. Setsuna had been telling everyone a
story about a boy
named Ranma.  The moon cats had departed rather
abruptly after Setsuna's
story got to a point about something called the
"Neko-ken."

".... and that's what your husband has done for the
sake of the Art,"
Setsuna said.  "In spite of all this, he has succeeded
beyond his wildest
dreams.  Your son, Ranma, *is* a man amongst men.  And
possibly the most
powerful martial artist on the planet."

"I knew his curse included living in interesting
times," Nodoka said, "but I
never knew it was *this* interesting.  I wonder if
he'll ever have a normal
life?"

@@What curse? If Nodoka and Ranma haven't met, what
curse is she talking about. And if she has, why does
she need to look for Genma? This abrupt change in
scene, along with cryptic comments is confusing.
Again, more detail to explain things along with a more
gradual segue from one scene to the next.

@@@@

<SNIP>
"Oh, yes," Nodoka beamed.  "I haven't gotten the full
story yet of what
happened in China, but from all accounts, he killed a
god."


@@Now I'm really confused.  This would indicate that
this story is taking place at some point very near the
end of the series. If so, why does Nodoka have to have
to search for Genma? If she's talking about his
Jusenkyo curse, since when does that include "living
in interesting times"? Why does Ranma appear not to
recognize his mothers house?

@@@@

Setsuna shook her head.  "Saffron wasn't *really* a
god," she said.  "He
was, at best, a demigod. 

@@SAFFRON: "I've been sick."
@@@@

 A rank, incidentally, that Ranma may achieve
himself if he's not careful.  I know of three
pantheons who are evaluating
him even now."

"I," Haruka said, "still think it's funny that he's
engaged to all of the
Inners."  Ami, Rei, Minako and Makoto twitched.

@@USAGI: "Waaaaaaa. What about MEEEE!!!"
         ALL: "What about Mamoru?"
         USAGI: <sigh> "Mamo-chan."

"I would love to know how that happened," Rei said.

"In your case, Rei," Setsuna said, "it was because
your grandfather caught
Genma trying to steal some scrolls from your shrine." 
She glanced at the
others.  "For the others, it was because their parents
had something --
food, money, or in Ami's case, access to medicines --
that Genma needed or
wanted.  Genma Saotome may be a master martial artist,
but he is also a
greedy fool who has been entirely too willing to trade
his son for favors."

@@Interesting idea, but the delivery is much too
bland. Again, SHOW, don't merely tell. The interesting
thing would be watching Genma be a "greedy fool". You
could set this up with a series of "prologue" like
stories interspersed through-out the chapter, one big
prologue or perhaps a "flash back" at this point. 
@@@@


"And I *will* be discussing that with my husband the
next time I see him,
panda or no."  Nodoka's voice was grim.

"And he really cares for this Akane girl?" Minako
asked in a wistful voice.

Nodoka smiled.  "I'm sure we can work something out,
Mina-chan," she said.
"Akane-chan has a bit of a temper -- she reminds me a
great deal of Rei-chan
in that -- but she is a very sweet girl.  I'm sure
she'll understand."  Her
smile broadened as her eyes glazed over a bit.  The
thought of a roomful of
grandchildren was very comforting.  Surely Ranma was
manly enough for that?

@@^_^
Cute, but it would be better if it weren't so abrupt.
Another reason to SHOW more. Especially Genma getting
Ranma engaged to the Inner Senshi. 
@@@@

Minako and Makoto traded a glance.  Temper, hmmm? 
*They'd* show Ranma what
a caring fiancee should be!

@@MINAKO: "Ranma-chan is sick? Nurse Minako to the
rescue."
MAKOTO: "You don't look ANYTHING like my old senpai."
RANMA:<burnt, battered and bruised.> "help me."

	
            
@@@@


<SNIP>

Ranma dropped her shoes when she saw her mother
sitting with all of
these.... *really* cute... girls.  She blinked when
the girls' auras
registered.  Such *power*.... not a lot of it was
focused, but they could
still do a lot of damage.  And her mother was just
*sitting* there and
*smiling?!*  Why hadn't she mentioned *this* before? 
Who the heck *were*
these people?

@@RANMA: And why were all those *'s floating in the
air?

@@@@

"<SNIP>

Ranma tugged on her pigtail.  "Uh, yeah.  I'm Ranma
Saotome," she said.
"Sorry about this."

"*You're* Ranma?" Minako frowned.  "I thought you were
supposed to be a boy!
What kind of fiance are you?!"

@@RANMA: "Versatile?"

Oh, BTW I just happened to think, since Makoto's
parents are dead, how does she know about the
engagement. In fact how do ANY of them know. The
little off-handed comment earlier is, IMO,
insufficient.  More detail, please.

@@@@


Ranma froze.  "Fiance?  Wha...?"

"Yeah!  Setsuna told us all about it!  Ami-chan,
Rei-chan, Mako-chan, and
me!  Your father arranged it!  And you're a *girl!*"

"It's a.... curse."  Ranma's eyes narrowed.
"Oooooyaaaaaaaaajiiiiiiiiii...." she growled as her
battle aura lit the
room.

"See! That's what she did!" Hotaru said.

The Mercury Computer beeped.  "Gods!" Ami gasped. 
"She's emitting as much
energy as the Ginzuishou!"

@@Oh come on now.  That's a bit much, IMO.
@@@@

Rei and Makoto teleported in front of the glowing
redhead.  "Can you teach
us how to do that?" they demanded in unison.

@@USAGI: "Why have we been wasting our time with
�Sailor Planet Teleport' if you could do that?"

"What?" Ranma blinked, dropping her battle aura. 
"What did you say?"

"Can you teach us how to use our Ki?" Rei asked.

"Well.... I guess so.... I mean, I'm supposed to be a
sensei someday...."
Ranma said.

Minako got into Ranma's face.  "Why aren't you a
boy?!"

"Hey, back off, Blondie!" Ranma snapped.  "I'm a guy,
all right?  Get some
hot water and I'll prove it!"

@@USAGI: "Hot water? But Mamo-chan said that Mr.
Happy-----"
TUXEDO-KAMEN: "Come quickly Sailor Moon, Youma are
attacking."

@@@@

<SNIP>

@@Interesting story with some cute moments. Much too
abrupt and choppy.  Needs a LOT additional detail, but
a good beginning and well worth continuing. 

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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