Actually I've always thought it was human nature to assume the best

instead

of the worst case scenario. Even for Kenshin at the point in his life, I
think he would automatically think it's him since he would be more
'deserving' of the fate.  I think he's justified in believing he is the
target, with what's presented here. Am curious as to what others think,
though, and if I'm off here.

This is actually quite true.  It's a point that is brought up further into
the series, in fact, when Kenshin goes to learn a few new techniques from
his master, who has to pound them in rather hard due to his stubborn nature.
However, it's kind of inferred that he got over this belief that he didn't
deserve to live.  At least, that's how I understood the interraction between
Kenshin and his master and the way Kenshin learned the succession move for
his school.

There was one additional thing that seemed off, but it's more of a minor
issue.  Death didn't let Kenshin see him on purpose, it was just that
Kenshin had been in his presense for so long and then become

desensitized

to

it through not being around anybody who died for years.  If this is

right,

then it seems like an aweful big coincidence that Kenshin would run

across

somebody who is about to die on the same day as Kaoru, giving him

warning

and time to prepare for Death's coming.

Guilty here, but I think the contrivance is necessary. After all, look at
all the problems that came Kenshin's way during the series that only he
could solve. He's always in the right place at the right time. I don't

think

using the contrivance is that much of a stretch here, compared to the rest
of the series.

Well, it's not really the coincidence itself of him seeing somebody around
the time of thier death that seems off to me, but rather that it wouln't
have come up before this.  Kaoru has that old man with the grandkids or
whatever coming over and visiting periodically, he probably would have died
of old age by this point and it's likely that Kenshin would have been there,
since Kaoru was such a friend of the old man and he got along so well with
the grandkids.  Kenshin's master is probably still alive at this point I
would guess, being only some 60 years old, so that's not an issue...  Being
as friendly as Kenshin is, however, it seems unlikely that he wouldn't be
around somebody who is about to die or somebody who had just died and that
he wouldn't have seen Death before this point.

As you said, Kenshin does have a tendency to be in the right/wrong place at
the right time, which would continue after the events in the manga.  It's
somewhat difficult to believe that he would have been around so little death
that he would lose his desensitized state to it.  For this to happen, yet
for him to not have seen Death at some point seems unlikely, especially
considering his age at this point which is around 50 years old.  A fair
number of people that he knows from the area would have gotten old over
those twenty years and started dropping like flies more recently, so he
would either stay desensitized or see Death at some point before this.

Something that wasn't really brought up but seemed to be the case is that
between Kaoru's death and Kenshin's death, he never saw Death.  Again, he's
getting old, everybody he knows is getting old... it's unlikely that he
wouldn't have talked to Death again.  It might not fit the story but it
would have been interesting if the two talked on occasion when Death came to
get Kenshin's friends or acquantinces.

As I said in the original message, however, the coincidence thing isn't
really that big of a deal, as most people probably wouldn't really think it
was much of an issue.  I like to complain, however. ;)

Something that would avoid both of these issues would be to take the fat
 man
out of the story completely, and have Kenshin just catch glimpses of

Death

over the course of the day, with Death always looking at Kaoru.

Nah. Would rather try to keep it being her ambiguous if I'm able. That was
what I as going for. His misassumption is important.

Okay.  Then toning it down as you said you have should be enough.

Hmm. No. Aside from the fact I've only seen up to volume 5 of the series

on

tape, I think showing multiple scenes of them would be overdoing it, and

the

story isn't intended to go on for that long. It's just not what I had in
mind, though I can see your idea working in a different fic with similar
ideas.

I didn't mean scenes from the manga, if that wasn't clear, but rather things
that occurred afterwards.  Like, perhaps, the way she looked as she held
thier firstborn, the way she looked in the wedding dress, just small flashes
of memory throughout the fight to add to the emotion and his desperation.

 It

would also make the loss all the more painful and would be far more
effective than Kenshin's realizing too late that he had fought for the

wrong

person, which doesn't come across as being as large an issue as it

should

have been anyway.  As it is, Kaoru's death and the ending isn't as
satisfying as it could be, nor is the fight itself.

Well, the fight is hopeless, which is one of the reasons I didn't get too
heavy into describing it. Kenshin stands 0% chance of winning, and the

fight

is meant to show that. Not really satisfying at all.

It wasn't that the fight wasn't flashy enough, there was plenty of
description for Kenshin's skill and speed to be shown as completely useless
against Death.  I meant rather that the emotions in the fight weren't really
as strong as they could have been.  That's why I suggested making it so that
Kenshin knew it was Kaoru who was the target, because ever since Kenshin was
little and saw the women protecting him die, he'd fought and learned to
fight in order to protect people.  Using this as he tries to protect the
person that is most important to him would have added a lot, and so would
showing a growing despair as he realized that this time, for the first time
in a long, long time, he was going to fail.

I didn't really feel that the fight itself was that important, but rather
that the emotions involved could be changed in some ways to give them more
of an impact.

Well, glad you liked it overall. Hope I didn't seem to rude in disagreeing
with some of your comments, just that there was a certain way I wanted the
fic to go, not that your recommendations were bad. And I did use some of
them. Thanks a lot. You've been very helpful.

If I was offended by your not doing things the way I wanted you to I'd
certainly have no reasonable way to respond except by writing something of
my own that fit with the way I thought the story should go.  I'm not quite
up for that, I've got enough barely started stuff which I should be working
on that I'm definitely not in a position to tell other people, especially
ones who are far better and faster at it than I am, how they should write
thier own stories.  ^_^;

Glad I could help, though.

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