Maybe I'll throw in a few yen on the subject; after all, it was *my*
restaurant you guys trashed.

Besides generally agreeing with Jonathan Rosenbaugh as to
whether or not this actually had a plot, you might have done
better to use Japanese names for the guys. Ataru, Akuma,
and Ryoken instead of Steve, Pual, and Bill...

What might make this worth while as a story would
be an exploration into Kasumi's motives for having
one of her sisters so horribly mistreated and abused.

You know, I was half-expecting there to be a punchline to all this (which is
why I actually waded through the whole thing):  you know the old stereotype
of every god-boy otaku self-insertion story has Nabiki fall in love/lust
with the author-avatar?  I expected that Kasumi would explain it all as a
really nasty sort of tough love:

"You really enjoy fucking these gaijin otaku so much?  All right, then...
here ya go, little sister.  Enjoy!"

Needless to say, the point would be a severe case of negative reinforcement.

Unfortunately, the lemon stuff is waaaay too long (didja ever think you'd
hear *me* say that?), and there isn't any such punchline to take the edge
off of it.  Worse yet, it probably won't stop her from falling for the next
author-avatar who decides to visit Nerima...

...although granted, that's no something that's really under her control, is
it?

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^

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