"Animals" is a working title. Any suggestions on a better one would be
appreciated :)



         Part one:
         Monkey Business

         By Gary and Yoiko
         Characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi. We claim
no legal rights to use them.
         Thanks to D.F. Roeder and Bjorn Christianson for prereading.


         She crept across the room as quietly as possible, the
pinkish-glow of the rising sun lighting her way.  Ranma slept, and she
paused to admire the sweet innocence of his expression before reaching
out and tapping him gently.
         There was no reaction.  He didn't so much as twitch an eyelash;
tickling and braid-pulling didn't work, either.
         She huffed in exasperation.  She'd just have to try harder.
         "Mmm, five more minutes, Pop," he mumbled, shrugging off the
hairy paws shaking him. The next thing he knew, a bucket of ice water
washed over him.
         Ranma shot up off the bed and furiously pushed dripping hair
out of his eyes. "Pop! You-!" Ranma blinked in surprise. The paw holding
the bucket didn't belong to Genma. "You're not Pop," Ranma said
intelligently.
         The chimp stood staring for a moment, then began chittering
excitedly and waving the now-empty bucket as if trying desperately to
explain. Ranma gently pried the bucket away before the chimp could smack
him with it, and she clutched at his hand, struggling to speak.
         "Ranma, what's all the noise for?" Akane grumbled from the
doorway. "Hey, where'd the monkey come from?"
         "I dunno," Ranma said, trying to pull his hand away. "It
must've come in through the window."
          The chimp looked at them both pleadingly.  *It's me! ME!* she
tried to scream, but unintelligible monkey-gibberish were the only
sounds she could make. At this rate, she'd be stuck in this form the
rest of her life! She wondered what the life-span of a chimpanzee was,
anyway. *Ran-chan, you jackass....*

************

         Hiroshi pushed open the door to Ucchan's. "Are you sure this
place is open?"
         "Of course." Daisuke walked over to their usual table in the
corner. "It's after eleven." They took their usual seats, against the
wall so that if an attractive woman walked in they could watch her no
matter where she sat.
         Hiroshi leaned back, looking around the empty room. "There's
nobody here. Who's gonna take our order?"
         "Relax, willya?" Daisuke scanned the menu poster on the wall.
"They'll be here in a few minutes."

************

         "That's funny, you'd almost think it was trying to talk," Akane
said. Ukyo nodded vigorously.
         "Don't be such a dummy, Akane."
         "Well, excuse me! You're the one who was talking to it!"
         Ukyo scampered over to Ranma and grabbed his hand again,
pulling insistently. When Ranma wouldn't budge, she gave a monkey shriek
of exasperation and ran to the bathroom.  Maybe if she could get some
hot water.... She turned the hot water tap just as Ranma and Akane came
barreling in behind her.
         "Ranma, you don't think...?" Akane started. Ukyo held her
breath and jumped in. Nothing happened! She sat in the water, staring
dumbly at her furry body.
         "Gee," said Ranma. "For a second there, I thought that chimp
was someone with a Jusenkyo curse!"
         Ukyo nodded slowly, not expecting them to understand.
         "C'mon, chimp," Ranma said gently, helping Ukyo out of the tub.
"Let's get you dried off, and then we'll try to find out where you came
from." Ukyo stood quietly in a daze while Ranma toweled her off and led
her back toward his room. This would be the stuff of dreams, if only she
had a human body....
         Nabiki stepped out into the hallway, looking rumpled and
sleepy.
         "Where'd you get the chimp?" she asked, waking up a little. One
never knew when a good business opportunity might present itself...
         "It came in through the window," Ranma said.
         Ukyo glanced into Nabiki's room and noticed a computer sitting
on her desk. She hadn't known Nabiki had a computer! If she could only
get to it....
         "Hey!" Ranma said as she tried to pull away from him. "Where do
you think you're going, chimp?"
         "That chimp is NOT going in my room, Saotome," Nabiki said with
a poisonous glare, slamming her door shut. She glared down at Ukyo. "You
hear that, chimp? I happen to have some expensive equipment in there,
and you aren't going to get anywhere near it!"
         Ukyo shrieked again. She could just slap them all!
         "Oh, my, what's going on?" Kasumi asked, peering out of her
doorway. She was surprised to see that nearly everyone was up already;
usually she was the first to wake.
         "Ranma found a new pet," Akane said sourly.
         "Hey, I didn't--!" Ranma tried to say.
         "Oh, my."
         "Just what is going on here?" Soun Tendo asked, stalking out
into the hallway. His bleary eyes took in the scene, chimp and all, and
he sighed pitifully. He wished that he could have just ONE peaceful
morning in his home....
         "Ranma," Soun began gently. "If you want to keep a pet, I
understand, but a chimp..."
         "It wasn't my idea!" Ranma said. Ukyo jumped up into his arms.
"Hey, cut that out!"
         "Looks like you have another girlfriend, Ranma," Nabiki said
snidely.
         "Shut up!" Ranma fumed.
         "Well, as long as you've got it calmed down, perhaps we can all
get some breakfast," Soun said wearily.

************

         A short while later, everyone sat down to eat. Ukyo had been
locked safely in Ranma's room, where he hoped she wouldn't be able to
cause much trouble.
         "It sure doesn't act like a normal chimp," Akane said
suspiciously, offering a small bit of egg to her own little P-chan.
Ranma stared at the two of them incredulously. Since when was Akane
observant of normal animal behavior?
         "What does a normal chimp act like?" Nabiki asked without much
interest.
         "How should I know?" Akane answered grumpily. "It's just that,
for a minute there, I was sure it was a person with a Jusenkyo curse..."
         "Yeah, but hot water didn't do nothin'," Ranma answered, then
began eating in earnest. He was starving, as usual, and he was also in a
hurry to be sure that the chimp wasn't trashing his room.

*************

         Ukyo stared at the door as she heard the lock snick closed. Did
Ran-chan really think that could stop her? She waited for a few minutes
more, to be sure that everyone was headed downstairs for breakfast, then
she simply went out the way she had come in. It was easy, in her
chimpanzee body, to climb out the window and up onto the roof, and down
again to Nabiki's window. Luckily, it wasn't locked. Ukyo slipped into
the room and booted up the computer. It emitted a series of unnervingly
loud beeps as it slowly came to life, and Ukyo started to panic as she
heard noises in the hallway. She pulled up the word processing program
and had just started to type when Nabiki opened the door behind her and
let out a shriek of rage.
         "What are you doing?!" Nabiki howled. Ukyo leaped out of the
way as Nabiki rushed to her computer.
         "What is - how did you get out?" Ranma asked, shocked. Ukyo
leaped into his arms as Nabiki rounded on her.
         "Saotome, how dare you? How dare you let that monkey into my
room?" Nabiki snarled. Akane slipped past Ranma and the chimp.
         "Wait, Nabiki, was there any harm done?" Akane asked.
         Nabiki glared at her sister. "It turned the computer on!"
         "Don't worry about it," Ranma said as he stared curiously at
the monkey. "It ain't like a dumb ape would be able to type anything
anyway."
         "You know," Soun said, "they say that if you had enough monkeys
typing for a long enough time, they'd eventually rewrite all of the
great works of literature."
         "Yeah, right." Ranma rolled his eyes skeptically. "Like a
stupid monkey like this could ever write anything." The chimp glared at
him as if ready to bash him over the head.
         "You never know, Ranma." Akane smirked. "Why don't you get it
to do your next paper for school?"
         "Funny, Akane. After that, maybe it'll give you cooking
lessons!"
         "Just look at..." Nabiki froze, her eyes going wide as she
stared at the screen. "Ranma, is this some kind of joke?"
         "What?" said Ranma, stepping in close enough to read the words.

helpmeIm ukyo

         Ranma hmphed. "So? That ain't one of the great works."

************

         A short while later, everyone assembled in the Tendo dining
room. Ranma looked down at Ukyo as she sat beside him. The chimp glanced
shyly up at him and he turned to face Cologne.
         "So just what are we dealing with here, old ghoul?" Ranma asked
impatiently.
         "An impertinent son-in-law, who refuses to show proper respect
for his elders," Cologne said with an irritated glare.
         "Goodness!" Kasumi said. "That turned Ukyo into a chimpanzee?"
         "Please, everyone," Soun said quietly. "Let's just get to the
bottom of this." He turned to Cologne. "Ma'am, if you could please tell
us what you know. Has Ukyo been given a Jusenkyo curse?"
         "No," Cologne said after a moment's pause. "I sense a magical
aura about this animal, one of magical transformation. A Jusenkyo curse
would not leave such an obvious signature."
         Cologne seemed to give herself a mental shake, then continued
as if nothing had happened. "There are rumors," the old woman said.
"Rumors of an ancient amulet with the power of bestiamorphism -- the
transformation of human beings into animals. Some say that it originally
belonged to the Greek sorceress Circe."
         "Really?" Kasumi smiled. "That sounds like it would come in
handy. Think of all the money someone could save on clothes!"
         "This is very serious, Kasumi." Soun's expression hardened. "If
we don't find out who it is that has this artifact, we could all very
soon end up as lions, tigers and bears."
         "Oh, my!"
         "Who would be reckless enough to mess around with black magic?"
Ryoga asked quietly. "And cowardly enough to attack a woman from
behind?"
         "Indeed," Genma continued in his most ominous voice. "What sort
of person would be heartless enough to destroy the life of this innocent
young girl, merely to satisfy his own appetite for self-gratification?
Who could be so irredeemably evil as to dabble in forces beyond human
control, forces that could lead to untold disaster?"
         Everyone turned. "What?" Happosai said. "What are you all
looking at?"
         "People, use your heads," Nabiki said archly. "Do you honestly
think that *he* would turn a lovely young woman like Ukyo into that?"
She gestured toward the chimp, who hid her face in her hands.
         "He might." Ranma tossed a glare at Happosai. "To steal her
underwear, yeah!"
         "Feh," Happosai said with a careless shrug. "What do you take
me for, Ranma?" He fished through his bag for a moment and then proudly
pulled out a particular set of briefs. "I stole her underwear two weeks
ago!"
         The chimp shrieked, and flattened the old pervert with the
dining room table.
         "Goodness," said Kasumi. "That table certainly has many
uses..."

****************
         After more discussion, the group decided to split up, each
person investigating someone who might possibly be in possession of the
amulet. Ukyo, still a chimp, remained at the Tendo home.
         At the Kuno estate, Shampoo glanced around from her vantage
point to be sure all was clear, then jumped down, landing in the yard
with feline grace. Here was as good a place to begin the search as any.
         From behind her came the sound of a woman clearing her throat.
Shampoo whipped around to see Kodachi Kuno glaring at her and twirling
her gymnastics ribbon.
         Kodachi waited for Shampoo to realize that she faced the
fearsome Black Rose. "Ignorant savage," Kodachi called, "How dare you
violate the sanctity of my home?"
         "Hah!" Shampoo gazed back calmly, unimpressed. "Shampoo think
crazy ribbon-girl is one who turn spatula-girl into monkey! I come here
look for proof!"
         "Monkey?" Kodachi arched an eyebrow and glared at her icily.
"And you dare call *me* crazy? It's time someone taught you how to act
in civilized society!"
         Shampoo stifled a smile as she realized the ribbon-twirling
maniac was trying to bait her, and decided to do some baiting of her
own. If she could get Kodachi rattled enough, she might reveal where the
amulet was hidden. "Crazy girl," Shampoo sneered, "Ranma never like you!
You always give him drug because he never want to stay with you! Why you
not give up on Ranma? What you got to offer him?"
         "Hmmm, the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation,
perhaps?" the Black Rose answered snidely.
         Shampoo gave up on the subtle approach and lunged at Kodachi,
who nimbly dodged out of the way. "You got amulet here with power to
turn person into animal!" Shampoo shouted. "Shampoo take from you after
defeat you!"
         Kodachi's bone-chilling laughter rang out across the yard.
"You'll not find the Black Rose an easy opponent!" she cried, lashing
out with her ribbon. "And the amulet you speak of is not here. But I
will find it, and I will take great pleasure in reducing you to a common
street mouse, as befits your level of sophistication!"
         "You lie!" Shampoo cried shrilly as she leaped to dodge the
ribbon. The Amazon landed lightly in an attack position, and she and the
Black Rose circled each other warily, sizing each other up.
         "Wa ha ha ha!" cried a male voice nearby, startling both
combatants. "It's here!"

************

         Inside the Kuno mansion, Tatewaki held up a gleaming diamond
ring and cackled with glee. "At last, I've found it!"
         Nearly two months before, his father had called Tatewaki and
Kodachi into the study for a talk. "Dis de fam'ly ring, yeah! I wen
givin' dis to yo' deah depa'ted mudda befo' you born. Now I be hidin' de
ring in de house. Eider o' you findin' it, it be findas keepas, yeah!"
         Both siblings had frantically searched for the ring, to no
avail...until now. After six weeks of exploding coconuts, Tatewaki had
the Kuno family ring! Surely no woman could resist it! Akane Tendo would
be his at last! Or he could give it to the pig-tailed girl. Oh, the
agony of choice! He had but one ring; how could he decide?
         Shampoo and Kodachi crashed through the door and burst into the
room.
         "Aiya!" Shampoo cried. "You got it? Shampoo want! You give it
to Shampoo?"
         "You want me to give it to you?" Tatewaki asked, surprised.
Then again, why should she not? Was he not the Blue Thunder, he who
struck fear into the hearts of his foes and inspired passionate love in
the hearts of all women?
         "Shampoo know you could turn her into animal if you want," the
Amazon said quietly, hoping that he would just hand over the amulet
peacefully instead.
         "Indeed," Tatewaki answered solemnly. Clearly, tales of his
prowess had spread far and wide.
         "Do not listen, brother," Kodachi said imperiously. "I, the
Black Rose, am the rightful and proper one to possess the item in
question!"
         "Oh?" Tatewaki raised an eyebrow at her. "I should just turn it
over to you? Was I not the one who located it?"
         "Yes," Kodachi answered, gritting her teeth and trying to sound
patient. "But you have not the vision necessary to properly exploit it."
         "And how would you utilize it?" Tatewaki asked hotly, clutching
the ring tighter in his fist. "On that cretinous Ranma Saotome?"
         Kodachi stifled a giggle. "Oh, no. My first target would be
none other than this insufferable, savage peasant girl!"
         "Why, sister," Tatewaki said in surprise, "I never suspected!
Still, it is no concern of mine. You may enter into a love affair with
this girl if such is your desire. I shall, however, retain possession of
this, the Kuno family ring," he cried, holding the ring aloft to admire
the way it caught the light. "My 'vision' is quite clear. I, Tatewaki
Kuno, will with this ring win the favor of the most lovely Akane Tendo.
Or will it be the pig-tailed girl?" he mused, wandering off.
         Shampoo and Kodachi stared dumbly at Tatewaki's back as he
stalked off, then turned to look at each other.
         "Shampoo NOT date with you!" the Amazon announced, before
leaving quickly.
         Kodachi stared at the empty doorway for a long moment after
Shampoo had left. "I am NOT the crazy one," she said quietly.

************

         Nabiki led Ryoga up to the Gosunkugi house and waited until he
knocked on the door.  "Remember," Nabiki said. "Let me do the talking."
         Ryoga nodded his head in assent just as Gosunkugi opened the
door. Gosunkugi's eyes widened in horror as he realized who it was, and
Nabiki jammed her foot against the door before he could close it. "Uh,
I'll have the money by Friday, I promise!" Gosunkugi cried, throwing his
feeble arms up to protect his face.
         A smirk flitted across Nabiki's face before she schooled her
features into a serious and sincere-looking expression. "That's not what
we're here to talk to you about," she said in earnest tones, making a
mental note to check her records later to find out how much Gosunkugi
owed her. "We're on the committee organizing the next annual Furinkan
High School talent show competition."
         "You are?" Gosunkugi asked.
         "We are?" Ryoga echoed.
         "Yes, we are," Nabiki answered, poking Ryoga in the ribs with
her elbow. "My sister, Akane, will be one of the judges." At that
mention, a sappy, lovestruck expression on Gosunkugi's face. Nabiki
looked over toward Ryoga, only to find that he wore a similar
expression.
         "I understand that you're something of an amateur magician,"
Nabiki continued, poking Ryoga again. "Have you got any tricks that
would impress Akane?"
         "Well, I can do some card tricks, or the disappearing coin
trick..." Gosunkugi's answer trailed off as Nabiki stifled a yawn, "...
or I could show her the ball in the cup..."
         Ryoga grabbed Gosunkugi by the shirt collar and lifted him off
the ground. "If you even think of showing Akane your -"
         "Ryoga, kiddo," Nabiki said, smoothly laying a hand on his arm
to guide it back down. "That's not what he meant." Ryoga sheepishly set
Gosunkugi down, and Nabiki had to hide another smirk. The Lost Boy had
no idea how well he was playing into her little plan. Nabiki turned back
to the nervous would-be magician. "Haven't you got anything a little
more impressive?"
         "Er, well, there is one I could do..." Gosunkugi said
hesitantly. At Nabiki's encouraging nod, he added, "A sort of
metamorphosis, a transformation of man into beast."
         "Now, that's more like it!' Nabiki said triumphantly.
"Demonstrate it for us, will you? Ryoga here will volunteer."
         "I will?" Ryoga gasped, wide-eyed.
         "Yes, you will," Nabiki said firmly.
         "Uh, ok..." said Gosunkugi, handing a big cloth to Ryoga. "Hold
this..."
         Ryoga held the cloth up so Gosunkugi couldn't be seen. Various
odd sounds and a few "abracadabras" could be heard behind the cloth, and
Ryoga started to look decidedly green around the gills.
         "Uh, hocus presto, or something!" Gosunkugi cried, stepping out
from behind the makeshift curtain with a flourish. "Ta da!" Nabiki and
Ryoga stared for a minute at Gosunkugi in a Halloween mask.
         "Uh, where are you going?" Gosunkugi called after them.

************

         Mousse was wiping down tables at the Nekohanten when Ranma
found him. Could he be the one, Ranma wondered? It seemed unlikely.
Mousse would have wanted to attack him, not Ucchan. On the other hand,
with his eyesight, who was to say he would've known who he was
attacking?
         A plan. Ranma needed to think of a plan to get Mousse to spill
what he knew, if anything.
         "Yo, Mousse. Level with me, man. Did you find this thingamajig
that turns people into animals? Maybe accidentally used it on Ucchan?"
*Oh, REALLY brilliant plan there,* Ranma said to himself.
         "I've always treated women with respect," Mousse answered
quietly but with some heat. "Unlike certain others I could name, Ranma."
         "Now waitaminute..." Ranma began.
         "Someday Shampoo will see that I'm the better man, Ranma. I've
treated her with dignity and respect while you've taken advantage of
her. I don't need to turn you into an animal. You need to be turned into
a human being!"
         "Stupid jerk!" Ranma snapped, and then stalked out of the room.
He had a plan now. If Mousse wanted Shampoo, it was Shampoo he would
get.
         A short time later, Mousse again saw someone enter the
Nekohanten. Even without his glasses he saw that it was obviously a
female, clad in a skin-tight classical Chinese dress. "Shampoo?" he
called, searching for his glasses.
         Ranma quickly plucked the glasses off of Mousse's forehead,
grinning at the nearly-blind Martial Artist. "Mousse," she breathed in
her best imitation of Shampoo's voice. "Darling!"
         "D-darling?!?" Mousse stammered.
         "You're...er," Ranma pulled a face before finishing the line,
"you only man for m- for Shampoo!"
         "Do you mean it?" Mousse asked excitedly, wrapping his arms
around Ranma. Ranma squeezed Mousse hard enough to make his ribs creak.
         "Tell Shampoo where is transformation thing," Ranma said
huskily.
         Just then Akane entered. "What are you doing?!?" she yelled,
her face reddening.
         "Aiya!" said Ranma, squirming out of Mousse's embrace. "Is
uncute, violent tomboy come to take Mousse away from Shampoo!"
         "Ranma..." Akane growled.
         "Is no here!" Ranma moved to put Mousse between herself and
Akane. "This Mousse. Maybe violent girl need glasses?"
         "I've HAD it with you, Ranma!" Akane cried, trying to grab at
Ranma.
         "Not my Ranma," Ranma said, wincing at his own words. "Now is
your Ranma. Mousse is my Mousse." Akane made a sudden grab and caught
him by the arm, and started dragging him out to the kitchen. The glasses
fell unnoticed from Ranma's hand.
         "Mousse!" Ranma cried, "Give transformation thing to Shampoo so
she can deal with uncute girl!" Akane splashed hot water on Ranma and
then threw him through the wall just as the real Shampoo entered.
         "But...I don't have it!" Mousse cried in answer, taking a step
forward. His glasses crunched underfoot, and Mousse winced.
         "Aiya!" Shampoo said.
         "Oh, Shampoo!" Mousse cried, rushing over to her at the sound
of her voice. "I'm so glad you finally love me!"
         "What you talking?" she said crossly, kicking him away. "Stupid
Mousse!"

************

         Ranma limped toward the Tendo house, intent on soaking some of
his aches away in the bath. The remains of the dress hung in shreds
around him, so he was taking a side street in the hopes that nobody
would catch him wandering around in his underwear. "I wonder who DID
transform Ukyo, if Mousse didn't do it," he mumbled to himself.
         So deep in thought was Ranma that he didn't notice that he was
being watched. A strange feeling of uneasiness suddenly came over him.
Get away, his instinct said, but it was too late. He felt himself
shrinking, changing....
         Ranma let out an exclamation of surprise and shock, but only a
squeal issued from his mouth. A quick check confirmed his suspicions to
his horror. He'd been turned into a duplicate of Ryoga's pig form!
         "Bu-kee?"
         A figure glided up on roller-skates and scooped up the new
P-chan lookalike. "You're so cute now, Charlene! Come home with Azusa!
Soon you'll have lots and lots more little friends to play with!
         "You did such a good job of helping Charlene, Amulette!" Azusa
continued, holding her possession up to see it catch the sun's rays.
Ranma stared at the Amulet in her grip, and he felt his free will
slipping away...

************

         Hiroshi's stomach growled as he stared at the clock. "Sure is
taking them a long time to take our order."

         (To be continued....)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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