This was posted in three seperate parts by Megane6.7. This was the FIRST
post following the hibernation of the original FFML. Even though there
were a few fics posted before this one, they will not be included in the
repost because they were already sent to the FFML back before it collapsed.
To reply to this author, please send either public c&c or e-mail
megane67@home.com (who made the post, even though it appears to have been
written by a large collaborative effort).
Enjoy!
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Richard Beaubien Presents....
A Dot Every T Production....
"RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 1
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
MSTed by:
Ammadeau
Kaworu
Lerche
Megane 6.7
Richard Beaubien
SKJAM
Zoogz
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of
their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
"Relationships" was written by Sidewinder <aim9snake.hotmail.com>
and is used with his permission and our gratitude.
****
"Hello," the bellboy cheerfully greeted as he opened the door, "Welcome to
the MST3k Robotics and Psychology Roundtables, or 'Riffing with the
Riff-raff'.
Have you preregistered for this con, Sir?"
"Yes," the small diminutive man dryly replied as he turned to face the
bellboy, "I am Dr. Mon Mon, and as such, I bring atrocities the likes of
you have never seen... like Ton Ton."
"Ah, I see your part of the exhibit crew then?"
"That is correct," Dr. Mon Mon answered, "But it is also incorrect as
I will be taking part in the seminars as well."
"Have a good time then," The bellboy said as he handed Dr. Mon Mon
his convention badge. "Don't forget that today's keynote address is by
Dr. Clayton Forrester himself, followed by the Miss MST3K Wet T-shirt
contest."
"Oh, I won't forget that," Dr. Mon Mon chuckled diabolically, "Ton Ton
insisted that we attend...."
****
Dr. Forrester paced around the room, sweat appearing on his brow. In
his hands were the remnants of his speech, each page full of red ink and
crossed out words. "Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for this, I so despise
speaking in front of a crowd."
"Hmfph," TV's Frank replied as he as he sampled some of the waiting
room's donuts.
"Frank, how many times have I told you to finish eating before you
speak?"
"Sorry," Frank muttered, finishing of the last bit of the snack food.
"Anyway, have you seen who's out there? We have the Elmer Studio's
group, John Biles and Ami Mizuno, and other famous MST groups whose
names seem to escape me at the moment."
Dr. Forrester glared at his sidekick. "You're not helping, Frank..."
"Oh, you'll do fine as long as you pepper your speech with crude one
liners and perverted jokes." Frank paused as he peeked through the
curtain. "Oh look!" He suddenly exclaimed, "Cowboy Jadeite is even
here. I've always wanted to meet him!"
"And why is Jadeite here, perchance?" Dr. Forrester asked curiously.
"Gee, I dunno..." Frank replied in awe, "Doesn't he always come back
to life in a fanfic?"
Before Dr. Forrester could berate his erstwhile sidekick, a con staffer
came into the room. "Okay, Dr. F, you're on in one minute."
"Oh dear," Dr. Forrester replied in a worried voice as he paced around
the room, "What shall I do? What will I talk about?"
"Well, you could always show them that MST..." Frank suggested.
Dr. Forrester suddenly stopped moving, an evil glint appearing in
his eye. "Why yes, that is a perfectly delectable idea if I do say so
myself...." And with that Dr. Forrester allowed himself the luxury of an
evil laugh, just because he felt like one.
****
"And without further ado," The master of ceremonies exclaimed as he
stood on stage, "I'd like to present the man who's immoral and unethical
experiments on humans which have become America's third favorite form
of late night entertainment behind sleazy late night talk shows and the
infomercial... Dr. Clayton Forrester!"
The assembled crowd cheered as Dr. Clayton Forrester walked on stage,
followed by TV's Frank who was dragging along a rather large projector
device with him. Dr. Forrester paused for a second to soak in the applause
when he reached the microphone stand. "Oh it's nice to finally be
admired," he whispered, "This makes all my work worthwhile."
Finally the applause started to die down, and Forrester started his
speech. "Greetings, fellow mad scientists, Hollywood executives, college
students who are only here for the free buffet afterwards, and people who
are mentally unbalanced in general. I'd like to welcome you all to Riffing
With
the Riff-raff."
The crowd started to cheer again for a few seconds, and Forrester
waited till it died down again before he continued. "I'd like to thank you
all for the warm greeting you've given me, and I also appreciate the fact
you've all come here today." Forrester paused as another round of applause
broke out. "Seeing you all here today has made it easier to root out
potential
rivals and brutally crush them on my way to world domination."
An awkward silence hung over the room after the last statement, broken
up by the sounds of one or two people nervously clapping. Dr. Forrester
ignored them and continued with his speech "Anyway, I'm here to talk
about the technical side of my experiments today. Have you ever noticed
that the test subjects will build up a resistance if you continue to use
similar
stimuli?"
All around the room people were nodding their heads. Encouraged by
the positive response, Dr. Forrester kept up his line of questioning. "And
have you also noticed they'll continue to use the same jokes over and over
if the stories are similar?"
"He's not a dragon, He's not a dragon!" One of the audience screamed
out before his friends restrained him.
"As you can see," Dr. Forrester continued, "You also run the risk of
driving the test subjects totally insane. And I don't know about you, but I
wouldn't want to rule over totally insane people." Dr. Forrester started to
laugh, but soon trailed off as the crowd glared at him.
"Anyway..." Dr. Forrester carried on nervously, "What I'm going to show
you tonight is the result of one such experiment where I changed the
stimuli. What I did was present a group of four... volunteers... with an
Evangelion fanfic that was written in a style they had never seen before."
"A fic where D.J. Croft is actually a normal Human being?"
"A fic where Ranma is not a godlike Eva-Pilot?"
"A Pen-Pen/Oscar lemon?"
"No, No, No!" Dr. Forrester responded angrily, "Those are all variations
of previous stimuli and my... volunteers... have developed a resistance to
bad self-inserts, crossovers, and lemons."
"Even Oscar lemons?"
"Well, I'm not sure about that..." Dr. Forrester trailed off for a second.
"But anyway, the film I'm going to show you is a truly new type of stimuli
in Evangelion fanfiction, one which will create scads of useful new data
for my
experiment."
"So what is it?" The crowd asked in unison.
"Why... it's a fic where Shinji is a god-boy!" Dr. Forrester laughed as
the crowd recoiled in horror, some of them even fainting.
"We're ready here, Dr. F!" TV's Frank exclaimed from beside the
projector.
"Then let's get this show on the road!"
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
C & C is appreciated. Please remember, the story is set in an alternate
universe, so don't be surprised when Shinji plays the piano instead of the
cello.
Mike: Yes, We all know Shinji has great balls of fire.
Tom: New Shinji! Comes with the C Sharp Grip!
Joel: But there's always room for cello!
Changes to the story include a new scene to show the relationship between
Asuka and Misato, and a scene to show how Ritsuko feels about her role in
the Completion of Man Project.
All: <Ritsuko, singing> Feelings.. nothing more than feelings....
Minor changes in the scenes where Shinji uses his guns.
Crow: The major changes are the scenes where Asuka and Misato have wild
unbridled sex.
Joel: Disgruntled NERV employees and the women who love them,
next Geraldo!
Relationships: An Evangelion Fan-Fiction
* Foreword *
Crow: Iyaa! Don't be so foreward... we just met...
After Yui died, Gendo sent Shinji to Hong Kong.
Tom: Too bad it was underwater because of the Second Impact.
Long, an intelligence officer, enrolled Shinji in the People's Liberation
Army Academy.
Joel: PLAA... is that anything like ska?
During the Sino-Japanese conflict over the Spratly Islands, a race riot
occurred in Hong Kong. To survive, Shinji adopted a new identity.
Mike: <singing> There he is.. Miss Hong Kong 2015
Crow: <Shinji> I'm now... DJ Croft!
Tom: <Shinji> Letsee, my new name is... Moroboshi Ataru?!? You crook!
Give me my money back!
* Story *
Joel: ... that was it? That was the big foreward?
Mike: Certainly set the scene, eh?
Tom: <singing> This is the beginning... The beginning of our
story... the beginning....
1130 hours, Wednesday. Asuka Langley leapt off the diving board. Splash!
She surfaced, savoring the water's cool embrace.
Mike: Which then choked her to death. The End.
"Come in, the water's fine!" Asuka called to Horaki Hikari, who sat at
the pool's edge. She playfully splashed water at Hikari, who giggled
and splashed back.
Joel: <Asuka> Marco!
Crow and Tom: <Hikari> Polo!
Mike: Then Asuka whipped out the Super Soaker and made sure to send
Hikari to a watery grave.
Aida Kensuke and Suzuhara Toji finished their fourth lap around the First
Middle School racetrack, then spied on the girls. Ikari Shinji, who
finished a few minutes ago, performed one-armed push-ups beside the track.
Joel: <Ikari> *puff puff* Never know when I'm *puff* going to win an
Academy Award....
Crow: Shinji's finally a man. I think I might swoon.
Tom: So manly that he can only abide the touch of men as manly as himself!
He's been Clampified!
Asuka stepped out of the pool, then approached the pool's fence. "Hey,
Psycho Gunner!" She waved to Shinji, then sensually ran her hands over
her
body.
Mike: <Asuka> Hmmm, I could stand to lose a pound or three....
Joel: So she's talking to a new arcade game? Or is it just a really bad
secret
ID?
Shinji ignored her and the other girls. "Don't you want me, baby?"
Asuka sang.
Crow: Hey! Asuka's stealing my line!
Tom: <Shinji> I'd rather sleep with the entire Human League!
Joel: <Kaworu> Shinji, you're stealing _my_ lines now.
Kensuke felt a familiar hunger as his eyes traced Asuka's curves. "Hey,
Toji!" he called. "If Asuka's a lesbian, do you think she'll..."
Mike: <Kensuke> Cook me a pie?
Joel: ...get us ice-cream from the Dairy Queen?
Crow: <Kensuke> ... do me because I'm so girlish and unmasculine?
Toji ignored Kensuke and stared at Hikari. "Shinji..." He stopped. 'Can
Shinji help me?' Toji asked himself.
Tom: <Toji> If you don't know, how the hell should I know?!?
Mike: I see the NERV group-exercise program has gotten off to a swimming
start...
Crow: I just hate to see the locker rooms afterward.
Joel: Pity the janitor.
"Shinji-kun, you know Asuka pretty well. Will she let you watch her do
another girl?" Kensuke asked.
Crow: <Shinji> Not only that, she let me tape it!
Tom: <Shinji> I dunno, but she told me to have you look up
http://www.asukaxxx.com...
Joel: <Shinji> No, she'll tackle me to the ground, beat the living crap out
of me and scratch out my eyes. But thanks for asking!
Crow: <Shinji> But I'd match rather have her watch me doing you,
Kensuke-chan.
Don't you think of anything other than sex and guns?" Toji barked.
Joel: <Toji> Arf arf, baby.
Mike: <Kensuke> Does sex WITH guns count?
"Don't you think of the same things? Admit it, you'd like to shoot Hikari
with your Rocket of Love!" Kensuke joked.
Crow: <Toji> I shoot darts and my mouth and that's it, dammit.
Tom: Houston we have premature ignition.. abort the mission.
Mike: He likes putting M-80s into women? How kinky...
Joel: No, but I'd like to send her to my Satellite of Love and force her to
watch bad movies. I'm strange like that.
Toji blushed. "That... that's none of your business!" he cried. Shinji
chuckled as Kensuke bombarded his friend with embarrassing questions
Tom: <Kensuke> What are you measurements? Do you like it on a bike,
with a dyke?
Joel: <Kensuke> Does your mom tuck you in at night? Do you enjoy
collecting pink furry animals? Do you watch Beaches on a daily basis
and if so, do you weep like a baby at the end?
Crow: <Kensuke> How often do you masturbate while thinking of Shinji?
Mike: <Kensuke> Just HOW yellow are your sheets?
Ayanami Rei stared at Shinji's face. 'Ikari-kun trusts them,' Rei noted.
Joel: And Rei suddenly appears without anyone noticing.
Tom: <Rei> Hey, I just teleported here. It's impressive!
"He does not trust his father. Why?' Rei remembered Shinji's conflict
with
his father. When the 4th Angel attacked, Shinji piloted Evangelion Unit
01
into battle.
Joel: OK, so the conflict was that he piloted Unit-01?
Tom: But not before piloting Eva 01 to the local KFC for some spicy
chicken.
Crow: <Gendo> Dammit, I wanted the COLESLAW!
Toji and Kensuke left their bomb shelter to watch the battle.
Their curiosity nearly killed them. Shinji took them into the Eva's
cockpit, then fled in order to save Toji and Kensuke
Tom: Sure, the previous three angels had already lay waste by the time
Shinji got his butt in gear, but....
Mike: Shinji took them into the cockpit and then bailed? That sounds
more dangerous than safe.
Crow: <Shinji> Here's an Angel, good luck suckers... heh heh heh...
Although Shinji returned and defeated the Angel, Gendo didn't forgive
his son's momentary cowardice.
Crow: <Gendo> I shall not forgive you! In the name of NERV I will punish
you!
Mike: <Gendo> Despite your five minutes of bravery, your five seconds of
cowardice is JUST ENOUGH for me to cast you out! SCORN! SHAME!
Tom: <Gendo> I never liked him anyway.
Three months ago. Supreme Commander Ikari Gendo looked into his son's
eyes.
Mike: <Gendo> I brought you into this world, I can take you out. Doesn't
matter to me because I'll make another that looks just like you.
Joel: Gendo: You know.. Shinji.. at times like this.. you look so much like
your mother...
Crow: Then Gendo blushed, staring at those brown pools brought feelings
he hadn't known for years now...
You disobeyed orders," he accused. Beside him, a computer monitor
showed images from a spy satellite. The Angel's tentacles penetrated the
Eva's torso.
Mike: <Gendo> You disobeyed orders, and we didn't get the money shot.
Tom: They had to cut that scene even when it aired in Japan though.
Another monitor showed images from the cockpit's internal camera. As
Shinji screamed, Toji and Kensuke put their hands over their ears.
Tom: See no Anno, hear no Anno.
Joel: <Toji> Commence silent running!
Crow: <Kensuke> Silent running commenced!
Joel: <Toji> Pardon?
Mike: Check it out, Kensuke and Toji are getting commands from the
mothership.
"Negative," Shinji answered. "My orders were to protect the innocent."
Crow: And to uphold the public trust... Shinji and Asuka in Dragnet!
Tom: Dum da dum dum.
Mike: <Shinji> Now then, where are those guilty bastards I was told to
frag?
"By violating security protocols?" The Eva drew its progressive sword,
severed the tentacles, then resumed fleeing.
Crow: <Shinji> I violated a great many things, but not the protocols
Joel: He ripped that technique off from Ranma....
Tom: This whole fic is so very Freudian. violating, swords, tentacles...
Joel: Oh my!
Through a crack in the office door, Rei saw Shinji clench his fist.
"Were the protocols more important than the lives of two young men?"
he asked.
Crow: Yep.
Mike: <Shinji> What about the rights of that little girl?!
Joel: I don't believe Shinji would have learned such free-thinking in the
PLAA
Tom: What about that fascinating prologue that had Shinji in Hong Kong
anyway?
"You abandoned your duty. By doing so, you placed countless innocent
lives in danger..."
Joel: <Shinji> But didn't I tell you? Danger's my middle name!
Tom: <Shinji> OK, but by that logic, I also placed some guilty
lives in danger, right?
Crow: Man, this new improved Shinji is lame. Even the old one
knew he mustn't run away.
"You abandoned your duty!" Shinji accused, slamming his fist against
Gendo's desk.
Mike: <Shinji> OWWWWWWUCH! What have I told you about leaving
pushpins upside down?!?
Joel: Sadly the desk fought back and kicked Shinji's butt handily
Tom: <Gendo> Don't damage the mahogany! It's worth more than your life!
Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the desk. Shinji kneeled before the desk
and cried.
Tom: <Shinji> Oh holy desk, I have sinned!
Joel: <Shinji> B-Bambi's mom is... dead?
Crow: At this point, the author attempted an Anno-ish anime noir sort of
shot...
The sight saddened Rei. She wanted to embrace the boy, to comfort him.
But she didn't.
Mike: <Rei> I mean, normally I would, but... hugging *SHINJI*? I mean...
eww....
Crow: <Rei> Ho-hum, wonder what's on Cartoon Network now.
"I will not tolerate this insolence! Security!" Gendo called. One of his
bodyguards grabbed Shinji's shoulder. Ignoring the boy's pain, the guard
lifted Shinji off the desk and onto his feet.
Mike: <Guard> We're trained to ignore pain. Especially when it's not ours.
Heh heh...
Joel: Then he made him dance the can can, followed by a stiff slam dance
and concluded with a slow waltz.
Crow: <Shinji> Normally I don't do Pine, but I'll make an exception for
you.
Crack! The guard fell, clutching his shattered knee. Shocked by Shinji's
sudden kick, the others stepped away from him.
Tom: Again the mysterious crack strikes.
Crow: He's footed and dangerous!
Joel: <Guards, gasping> He can kick! He can kick, he can kick, he can
kick,
he can kick!
Mike: <Shinji> I CAN SINGGGGGGGG!!!
Crow: Can it, Troy!
"I'm not your whore," the pilot snarled. "I won't bend over for you."
Rei hid behind the door as Shinji left the office.
Crow: But he was KNEELING, not bending!
Joel: <Gendo> But you just did.
Mike: <Shinji> The first one's free. Then I start charging.
Crow: <Rei> Oh, Gendo! I hear there's a position open for a whore?
"What a monster," a guard said.
The words angered Rei. She wanted to confront the guard, to say,
"Ikari-kun is not a monster." But she didn't.
Mike: <Rei> They're not paying me enough to act.
Tom: She figured she'd just send a strong letter to the editor instead.
Present day. 'Ikari-kun belieeves that his father betrayed him,' Rei
answered herself. The knowledge saddened her. She wanted the Ikaris
to resolve their conflicts.
Crow: ... you mean all that was in the past? Maybe that's where the rest
of the mighty foreword went.
Tom: Therefore, Rei started studying family counseling.
Joel: <Rei> Okay Mr. Ikari, when did you start feeling tension in your
relationship with your son?
Mike: <Shinji> Why did you abandon me?
Crow: <Gendo> Because you're not quite evil enough.
Two shadows cloaked her. "Hey, Rei-chan!" Aino Minako called. "What
are you doing?" Rei ignored her classmate, who leaned over her shoulder.
Mike: Was a piece of another fic slipped in by mistake?
Crow: But Rei's will was tested when Minako started blowing in her ear,
and even further when she felt a tongue circle her lobe....
Tom: Sadly he didn't realize that cameo does not equal plot
Kino Makoto traced Rei's line of sight. "She's drooling over Shinji's
lean,
athletic body," Makoto guessed.
Joel: <Makoto> Why, he reminds me of my old boyfrien... oh wait, he
looks nothing like him at all.
Crow: <Makato> Wait a second... drooling...
Tom: <Minako> ...over....
Both: SHINJI?!? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
"I am not drooling," Rei said.
Minako examined Rei's cheeks. "You're blushing, you're blushing!"
Minako joked.
Crow: A fire in the cheeks, unexplained heat from Rei... she IS Sailor
Mars!
Mike: <Rei> OK, I'm blushing!
Tom: <Minako> Ha ha! Apple Cheeks Apple cheeks!
Mike: <Rei> OK, I get it alrea...
Tom: <Minako> Rosy Face! Rosy Face!
Mike: <Rei> Arrrgh!
"I am not blushing," Rei said, without her typical calm. "I am... cold.
I am leaving." She turned her back to Minako.
Joel: <Rei> I can act. I can sell. I have the power of bleach.
Crow: <Makoto> Damn, I love it when she plays hard to get. Wait, I'm
not gay. Yet.
Mike: So someday the author's going to explain this non sequitur scene...
I hope...
Makoto put her hand on Rei's shoulder. "Don't be embarrassed," Makoto
said.
"If it makes you feel better, I'll confess. I also fantasize about
Shinji-kun."
Rei did not feel better.
Tom: REALLY, who wouldn't fantasize about Shinji?
Mike: <Makoto> No, she feels kinda... bony.
Joel: <Rei> What chance does a blue-haired girl have against someone
like Makoto? Maybe I should talk to Ami instead.
Crow: <Makoto> OK, I also fantasize about Mamoru! Not to mention
Motoki! Hell, I've even pictured us together a few times! Feel better
yet?
"You're so lucky!" Minako cried. "The most popular guy in class has
his eyes on you! I wish Shinji-kun would have his eyes on me!"
Tom: And Riona burst in and layeths the smack down on Minako for stealing
her theme.
Crow: <Riona> KNOW YOUR PLACE!
"We are coworkers. Our relationship does not extend beyond professional
boundaries." Rei walked away.
Mike: <Rei> Now if you'll excuse me, Misato and I have a date with a pair
of Asahi brewskis at her pad.
Crow: <Shinji> Professionally speaking, would you mind if I humped you
on my desk?
Tom: Minako: The oldest profession
"But don't you want more?" Makoto asked.
Rei stopped. "I do not know."
Tom: <Makoto> You want more? We'll throw in these shammies and a
bucket FOR FREE! Yes, this whole set can be YOURS for the low low
price of 1,999 yen!
Joel: <Makoto> How about now?
Crow: <Rei> Still not sure?
Joel: <Makoto> Now?
Crow: <Rei> Okay, that's enough whipped cream on Minako.
Mike: <Rei> I mean, I'm so excited, I just can't hide it! I'm about to
lose
control and I THINK I like it but....
1150 hours. The cold water stung Asuka's eyes. "Damn it, why can't we
have hot showers?" she complained, rinsing her hair. "Is the school too
cheap to..."
Tom: <Asuka> Damn it, why can't we have a scene break, a segue, or
something?
Crow: <Principal Skinner> Stop griping and drink your Malk!
Hikari felt a familiar hunger as her eyes traced Asuka's curves. 'She's
so
beautiful,' Hikari thought.
Joel: What is it with everyone wanting to eat one another in this?
Crow: Enough eye roaming already! Either DO something or shut up!
Mike: <Hikari> I need my daily dose of Asuka!
Tom: <Hikari> Asuka, do like Amanda Beardsley? I sure do.
Few people would describe Asuka as "beautiful," due to her tempestuous
facade. However, Hikari could see through the facade.
Tom: <Hikari> ...to the red and blue veins below, and her delightfully
DELICIOUS liver... Mmm. Methinks it's time to get crazy with the
Cheez Whiz.
Crow: <Hikari> With a body like that who needs personality
Asuka was caring and compassionate. Asuka feared loneliness, but she
hid her fears, projecting a sense of strength. Like Hikari herself.
Tom: Asuka was very OOC, apparently.
Mike: Tell us everything... la la la la... cause we're too dumb to be
shown... la la la la....
'I can see through her mask. I know her secret fears,' Hikari thought.
'Can she see through my mask? Does she know?
Joel: <Hikari> Are the eyeholes too darn wide?
Tom: <Hikari> That in reality I'm...I'm...UltraMan!
Mike: <Hikari> Er, Asuka, can you see through my mask?
Crow: <Asuka> No, but that blouse is something else!
Mrs. Horaki was the family's pillar of strength, projecting a sense of
confidence to her daughters. After she died, Hikari assumed her mother's
responsibilities.
Crow: All of her mother's responsibilities... and her dad has never been
happier!
Tom: Well... after he broke her in.
She projected a sense of confidence to her sisters, but Hikari herself
felt
vulnerable.
As a pillar of strength, Hikari stood alone.
Joel: As did the cheese.
Tom: <singing> Solid... Solid as a rock.
Crow: However, as a Doric column, Hikari had much to work on.
Asuka, who had strength and confidence to spare, changed this. Hikari
felt that she could trust Asuka, that she could lean on Asuka's shoulders
when she felt vulnerable.
Tom: And grab her breasts when she loses her balance. Even in public.
Mike: Especially in public, at least that's her excuse.
Crow: She felt that Asuka could paint her apartment when it chipped
and wouldn't mind lending her two thousand for a rainy day too!
Joel: <singing> Lean on me, when you're not strong... and I'll fall right
down... break my nose anddddd four of my ribs....
But if Hikari expressed her feelings for Asuka, her family would
disinherit her. Her father was homophobic, and her older sister has
inherited this phobia.
Joel: <Hikari> I just hope I don't inherit it as well... suicide is *SO*
last
week.
Mike: Wow, old dad is teaching all of his daughters 'the lesson.'
Crow: <Mr. Horaki> If you are not a Woman among Women, we will
force you to commit seppuku!
Tom: Mr. Horaki used his pen name "Pat Buchanan" often.
'Must I be lonely?' Hikari asked herself. 'Must I choose between my heart
and my family?' She turned on the faucet to wash away her tears.
Tom: Boo hoo. I feel my heart breaking.
Joel: And suddenly, Asuka began screaming as the water in the shower
turned to scalding.
Mike: <Hikari> I need to talk to my good friend Lisa Foster about this!
A gentle hand touched Hikari's shoulder. "Are you okay?" Asuka asked.
Mike: <Asuka> If so, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! That damn shower was
like a run of hot grease!
Crow: <Hikari> I'm so OOC that I've been turned into a raging lesbian and
I'm stuck in a crappy fanfic! Does that sound okay to you?
Tom: <Asuka> Well... yeah.
Hikari sadly smiled. "I'm fine," she lied. Asuka was suspicious. "I'm
freezing!" Hikari complained. "We should march into the Principal's
office and demand hot showers!"
Joel: Heh. They should go for pop from the water fountains while they're
at it.
Mike: <Principal> Hot showers?!? W-w-with you girls?!? O-oh my god!
It... it... IT'S A HENTAI'S DREAM COME TRUE!!!
Tom: <Asuka> Oh, get away from us, you loser!
Asuka's suspicion evaporated. "You go, girl!" she cheered. She had a
beautiful smile.
Crow: Among other things, Asuka was formally Queen Latifah's protege.
1600 hours. Rei stood up when the school bell ringed. At 1630 hours,
she was to report to Dr. Akagi, then perform her harmonics tests.
Tom: She was practicing up to be a jailhouse virtuoso.
Mike: Or John Popper...
Joel: Rei, known as 'Ms. Skins' to her friends....
Crow: <Ritsuko> Now let's see how loudly you scream when I do this,
you little tramp!
"Bye, Hikari-chan!" Asuka said, smiling. After Hikari left, she frowned.
"Another boring harmonics test," Asuka complained. "Do we have to
take them?"
Tom: <Dr. Akagi> If we want to keep our state funding, yes.
Mike: <Asuka> I mean, I like Elwood Blues and all, but....
"The tests are necessary to ascertain our ability to pilot the Evas," Rei
answered.
Crow: Gah! Rei appears ANYWHERE!
Tom: <Asuka> Can you try that again WITHOUT the thesaurus,
vocabulary girl?!?
Joel: <Asuka> Umm, we can pilot them already. Remember those
near death fights we've had, Wonder Girl?
Tom: <Rei> No, I was dead.
Mike: <Asuka> You mean we DON'T have to wear these skintight,
figure enhancing suits?
"But must we take them twice every week? Why can't we take them
once every month? Come on, Wonder Girl, you don't like the boring
harmonics tests, do you?" Asuka asked.
Joel: <Rei> I dunno, I get the blues about this often...
Crow: <Rei> Ritsuko has a lesbian rubber fetish. Deal.
"I am ordered to take the tests," Rei answered. "I will obey my orders.
My opinion is irrelevant."
Tom: Rei IS Seven of Nine IN Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Borg Collective!
Asuka sighed. "There's more to life than obeying orders."
Mike: There's taking orders, receiving orders....
Crow: <Asuka> Like walks in the park, eating cream puffs, and mercilessly
exterminating Angels!
Tom: <Asuka> There's giving them! Now make me some pie, bitch!
Shinji put his hand on Rei's shoulder. "Rei, baby, please inform Dr.
Akagi
that I'll be one hour late."
Joel: <Shinji> I've got a date with my 'special' friend, the amazing Tom
Dyron!
Crow: <Rei> Sure, stud-muffin... I'll make sure she saves her rubber-glove
examination for you.
Tom: <Shinji> And one more thing, babe, I'll be here to pick you up around
sevenish... wear something tight, 'kay?
"Affirmative." Shinji smiled his thanks, then followed Toji out the door.
Rei called the doctor, who sighed.
Crow: Hey author, mind INTRODUCING the characters that are in the
scene? This is getting insane!
Mike: For all we know, Gendo's watching in a corner of the room,
grinning lecherously.
Tom: <Gendo> Ahem...Please carry on as if I wasn't here...
Joel: <Doctor> Please state the nature of the medical emergency... man,
I hate saying that.
"Hey, Rei-chan!" Minako called. "Is Shinji really gay? Is he joining
Toji
at a love hotel?"
Joel: <Rei> Wow, with this 3-way calling I can stay in touch with all
my friends!
Crow: <Rei> I will inform you after I observe the footage.
"Impossible!" Makoto answered. "When I asked him, 'Are you
gay?' Shinji laughed! No homosexual is that self-confident!"
Mike: <Makoto> The Gay Pride parade is a sham! Don't believe the lies!
Crow: You know, the really strange thing about this is that the only
characters who are remotely IC are from Sailor Moon...
"Maybe he is gay, but he doesn't care about our opinions," Asuka guessed.
Tom: <Ed McMahon> HA HA! You are correct, sir!
"Ikari-kun is not a homosexual," Rei admonished. "He is visiting Yuki,
Suzuhara's younger sister. She was wounded when the 3rd Angel attacked.
Ikari-kun feels responsible for Yuki's injuries, and seeks atonement..."
Tom: <Rei> He has left to pray to the Shrine of Yuki. Might you care to
leave a human sacrifice too?
Mike: <Makoto> Well maybe if Shinji had hustled a little better, he would
have stopped the third angel instead of meeting the fourth!
Crow: <Rei> Though his idea of atonement is for Toji to boink him in the
restroom afterwards.
She stopped. "It was not his fault." She walked away.
Crow: She does things. In small sentences.
Joel: <singing> Daddy gave me a name. And then he walked away.
"Dear God," Minako whispered. "I'm sorry."
'So am I,' Rei noted.
Tom: So are we.
Mike: Duly entered into the minutes, Ms. Ayanami.
1620 hours. "Bro!" Suzuhara Yuki dropped her cane, ran towards her
brother, then fell onto the floor.
Crow: <Yuki> Damn that faith healer! He said that my leg was perfectly
fine!
Mike: So the author's idea of comedy is for a little crippled girl to fall
flat
on her face?
Tom: I'm laughing.
Toji sighed. "Be careful!" He kneeled beside Yuki to help her stand up.
"Miss, I believe this is yours," Shinji said, holding Yuki's cane in his
left
hand.
Joel: <Yuki> Don't patronize me, Spineless, or this cane will be up your
nose
faster than you can say "whipping-boy"!
"Thank you," Yuki said.
"So is this," Shinji added, holding a bouquet of yellow roses in his right
hand.
Tom: Shinji can even do cheap magic tricks in this alt. D.J. Croft, look
out!
Joel: <Yuki> Wow, you're smooth!
Crow: <Shinji> Just call me Guido, babycakes.
"They're so pretty!" The girl smiled her thanks.
"Shinji-kun, you didn't have to..." Toji began.
Mike: <Toji> ...steal these from a graveyard! I would have accepted
store-bought!
Tom: This Shinji likes 'em young and crippled.
Crow: That way they can't run in fear and loathing.
"I have to. I'm a romantic," Shinji finished.
"So, where's my wedding ring?" Yuki asked. Shinji laughed.
Joel: <Shinji> Next box of Cracker Jacks, I promise!
Tom: Shinji is Mr. Smooth. He learned it all during his underwater
training in Hong Kong.
1730 hours. "Dr. Akagi, what is the basis of a relationship?"
Crow: <Ritsuko> Dark glasses and white gloves.
Mike: With a EVA fanfic, you'll always know what time it is! And now
back to our fanfic....
Akagi Ritsuko, head of research for the Evangelion Project, stopped
typing her report. "Why are you interested, Rei?"
Joel: <Rei> I heard rumors about relationships and figured I'd try
one out myself. Know any good candidates?
Mike: <Rei> DUHHHH... 'cause I wanna go steady with a guy! Need
a more obvious clue?!?
Tom: <Ritsuko> *Is she coming on to me? Oh no, I think she is...*
"My relationship with Pilot Ikari is set within professional boundaries.
However, Pilot Ikari seeks to extend our relationship beyond these
boundaries. Should I allow him to do so?"
Crow: <Ritsuko> Huh?
Joel: <Rei> Second Base!
Crow: <Ritsuko> Oh!
Mike: So now Shinji's cheating with Rei on the CRIPPLED GIRL?! Lynch
the bastard!
"Well, what do you want in a relationship?" Ritsuko continued.
Joel: <Rei> Sex and shopping! And a painted kitchen too!
Tom: <Rei> Maybe someone to finally get rid of those bloody bandages in
my apartment.
"I do not know. I do know that Ikari-kun's relationship with his
father...
with yourself is professional." Ritsuko frowned at the last sentence.
Crow: <Ritsuko> Wait a minute... could Rei and his father be...
ONE AND THE SAME?!?
Mike: This sounds like a bad episode of "Scooby-Doo."
Joel: <Rei> And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
those lousy kids! And their little Kensuke too!
"I know you seek a maternal relationship with Ikari-kun, due
to your intimate relationship with the Commander. However, this
relationship will give you influence over Ikari-kun's thoughts and
opinions. He sees this influence as a threat to his independence..."
Mike: <Rei> In other words, he's afraid of being whipped like any other
normal guy?
Crow: <Ritsuko> Natch.
Tom: Now appearing as the Tories, Ayanami Rei!
Joel: ... so Ritsuko thinks that Rei, who is also Gendo, wants to be
Shinji's
mom now?!? Ahhh!!
"So he rejects me," Ritsuko finished.
Tom: <Rei> It's better than a slap in the face and a kick in the ass.
Mike: <Rei> But he's just not my type! I'm A- and he's O+!
"Yes," Rei answered. Ritsuko clenched her fist. "I am sorry." Rei
walked away.
Tom: Rei stopped. "Good-bye." Rei turned. Rei walked. Rei continued.
Joel: FEEL the drama! FEEL the ANGST!
Crow: Feel the boredom.
"Hey, Rei, baby!" Shinji pecked the girl's cheeks. Rei blushed.
Mike: And Shinji once again appears out of thin air. Amazing!
Joel: Shinji _is_ Woody the Woodpecker!
Crow: <Shinji> Hey baby, hi baby, what's your sign?
"Leave the poor girl alone, Psycho Gunner!" Asuka barked.
Mike: Sheesh, what is that... Shinji's Arapaho name?
Tom: It's just a little pet name for his toothpick cannon, if you
know what I mean.
Mike: Say no more!
Joel: For some reason, I keep expecting a theme song to break
out whenever 'Psycho Gunner!' is mentioned....
Crow: Too bad Shinji keeps shooting blanks
Shinji laughed. "Hey, Doc!" He entered the office.
"Sorry, I had to take care of some business."
Ritsuko sighed. "I understand."
Joel: <Ritsuko> But must you do it everyday?
Mike: Now playing the part of Ikari Shinji, Bugs Bunny!
Tom: Just thought of something. If Rei is also Gendo in this,
and she's already part Yui, does that mean Shinji is hitting on
both his parents?
Crow: Sheesh, does it matter? So far, all the characters are just
notches in everyone else's bedposts...
2240 hours. "Requiem" echoed throughout the apartment building.
'Mozart,' Rei noted.
Crow: Guess this is crossed over with Super Taboo as well then.
Mike: Now playing the part of Ayanami Rei, Tom Swiftie!
Joel: It was 200 years after the bubblegum crisis, no one was
prepared for the... BOOMER HOLOCAUST.
Mike: <Band> Thank you, thank you. And for our next number we'd
like to play 'Fly Me to the Moon!'
'A man who, despite the hardships and disappointments he faced, remained
cheerful and vigorous. A man whom Ikari-kun admires.'
Crow: Must be talking about Leroy Mozart here.
Tom: Actually, I would think that Shinji would identify more with
Beethoven...
Mike: Or Kenny G.
When Shinji was sleepless, he would play his piano to exorcise his
nightmares. When the music ended, Rei knocked on her neighbor's door.
"Ikari-kun," she called.
Tom: <Rei> Turn that crap off! I'm trying to sleep!
Crow: When the lights went out in Georgia, Shinji cried himself to sleep.
Joel: Shinji and Rei in Sleepless in Tokyo-3!
Mike: <Shinji> Man, I had this terrible dream where I was a spineless wimp
that did nothing but whine and... AHHHHHHHH!!!
The door opened. "Rei, baby," Shinji greeted. "Sorry, am I bothering
you?"
Tom: <Rei> Ga ga. Goo goo.
Crow: <Rei> No, grabbing my breasts would be bothering me, right
now, you're more of a mild irritation.
Joel: What's with Shinji and this "baby" fixation? Did he vapor-lock
back to the Seventies?
"Negative. May I listen to you play?"
Shinji smiled. "Sure!" He stepped aside to let Rei enter his apartment
Mike: <Shinji> For my first tune... <singing> Gamera... Gamera...
Gamera is really neat, he is made of turtle meat, we all love you
Ga-mer-A!
Tom: <Rei> What shall we play first? Candyland or Twister?
A sleeping bag laid beside a grand piano. Military history textbooks,
small arms manuals, and swordsman-vigilante comics laid upon a low
bookshelf.
"What would you like to hear?" he asked.
Crow: <Rei> You know Honky Tonk by chance?
Tom: <Rei> Your pitiful whimpering as I slam the piano closed on your
hands. Ready?
"The Magic Flute." Rei wanted Shinji to express happiness.
Tom: <Shinji> But I do not have a flute. I have a piano.
Joel: So he can somehow fit a grand piano into his apartment,
but not so much as a futon?
Mike: <Rei> Emote, dammit! Just because I don't doesn't mean you
have an excuse!
As the music began, Rei sat beside Shinji. 'So warm...' For one moment,
she was free of her loneliness.
Tom: But when Shinji finally stopped burning, she was alone with his
cold ashes.
Joel: <Shinji, singing> You must remember this... a kiss is just a kiss...
Crow <Rei> Don't play it again, Shinji.
0000 hours. "Mama, noooo!" Asuka screamed. Major Katsuragi Misato
entered Asuka's bedroom. The girl tossed and turned in bed. "Don't leave
me!"
Joel: That's a good point. Where HAS Misato been during all this nonsense?
Crow: She got out while the getting was good earlier.
Mike: Guess the bar's closed now though.
Misato embraced the girl. "I'm here, Asuka."
Joel: So Misato is Asuka's mom in this fic?!?! Ahh again!!
Tom: <Misato> Jusht shlightly drunk... mind my shlobberin'?
Asuka returned the embrace. "Mama..." Then her eyes opened. "Misato!
Sorry, did I awaken you?" Ashamed by her own vulnerability, Asuka
pushed away her guardian.
Crow: <Misato> No, no... Just copping a feel while you're asleep.
Mike: <Misato> No, but you really should stop making the moves on
your father Kaji like your friend Chibi-usa.
Misato sadly smiled. "That's okay. Do you want a cup of warm milk?"
Joel: Asuka turned green and threw up in her trash bin when Misato started
taking off her shirt.
Mike: <Asuka> No thanks.
Crow: <Misato> How about some warm cocoa?
Mike: <Asuka> No, really, I'm OK!
Crow: <Misato> Would you settle for some warm sake?
Mike: <Asuka> Now you're talking!
"No, thanks." 'Please leave,' she didn't say.
Misato sensed Asuka's shame. "Goodnight, Asuka-chan." She left the room.
Tom: Kensuke left with her, as he hadn't been introduced but was
hanging around anyway...
Mike: Along with the entire township of Biteme, Michigan who
were there for a convention.
Crow: <Asuka> I have shamed the fanfic. Kill me now so I can shame
no longer.
"No, thanks." 'Please leave,' she didn't say.
Misato sensed Asuka's shame. "Goodnight, Asuka-chan." She left the room.
Joel: So nice, she left it twice!
Tom: It's like deja vu all over again.
1150 hours, Thursday. Toji closed his locker door to conceal the
"Playboy"
centerfold. "Shinji-kun, do you have any experience with... women?" he
asked.
Mike: You might as well ask Happosai if he enjoys ladies' underwear!
Joel: <Shinji> What do you need women for when you have me?
Tom: <Toji> To cook and clean up after us.
Crow: <Shinji> Yeah, they talk to me and slap me about all the
time. Two cents of free advice, call 'em "baby". I learned it
from my best bud D.J.
Mike: <Toji> But I meant real women, not the rubber ones!
Shinji pulled back his .45 automatic's slide, examining the bullet in the
breech. He set the gun's manual safety, then holstered it.
Tom: Then shot himself in the foot, again. Because he was a 14
year old who could never hope to have gun permit in Japan!
Mike: <Shinji> I missed ya, baby... now stand still!
Joel: <Shinji> Excuse me a moment while I show the readers just
how much I reek of awesomeness.
"If you plan to flirt with a topless bar waitress, I can tell you what to
do.
But you're not flirting with a topless bar waitress, you're courting
the class representative. I've never been in your position."
Crow: God, Shinji is just so cool, I think I may be sick.
Tom: <Toji> Well screw Hikari, tell me how to pick up a topless bar
waitress!
Mike: Why do I get the feeling that Shinji's written some internet spam on
that particular subject?
Crow: <Shinji> All those years I spent in Amsterdam, my misspent
youth from six to eight... came in handy, eh?
"You were in a topless bar!?" Kensuke asked.
Tom: <Shinji> No, I'm deliberately wasting your time...
Joel: <Shinji> Was I ever! It even rained and my clothes got soaked and
EVERYTHING!
"In Hong Kong." Shinji turned towards Toji.
"I can't tell you what to do. You must find your own way to
express your feelings."
Joel: <Toji> But we're not in Hong Kong!
Shinji put on his trench coat to conceal his weapons, then walked away.
Tom: Shinji's in the trench coat mafia!
Crow: Or would that be the Trench Coat Yakuza?
Mike: No wonder it was topless. Shirts are a pain when you're
_underwater_!
Wait, how do you flirt with a topless bar waitress!?" Kensuke asked.
"Give her a big tip," Shinji answered. "Money buys many friends."
Tom: <Shinji> I learned all I know from Ted DiBiase!
Mike: <Kensuke> Uh, hi, say lady, umm, a friend of mine told me
you'd go out with him if I gave you a big tip... well, this magic
marker is all I could find... it's real felt, you know....
Crow: Kensuke AS Jigglypuff!
1600 hours. Toji approached Hikari. "Hikari-san, I would
be honored if you would join me at dinner tomorrow night."
Joel: <Toji> I have these neato McDonalds Gift Certificates I want to use,
so...
Crow: <Hikari> But I'm going to be eating Asuka... I mean, eating with
Asuka.
"Toji-kun..." Hikari blushed. "I'm flattered, but... I'm attracted to
someone
else."
Mike: <Toji> So if I bought a really big magnet, then would you go with
me?
Tom: <Hikari> You just don't get it do you, I'm g-a-y.
Mike: <Toji> I'm happy too!
Tom: <Hikari> Ahh...
Joel: So, ah... are there any Angels or anything to fight? Or are we just
hanging around a set of a soap opera?
Tom: <imitates cheesy organ music>
Crow: Welcome to another episode of Veterinarian's Hospital... the
continuing
storrrrrrry of a fanfic that's gone to the dogs.
The boy clenched his fist. "May I ask who it is?" 'So I can rearrange
his
face,' Toji didn't say.
Joel: <Toji> I want to put his nose on his chin, his mouth between his eyes
and his ears on his cheeks! It'll be just like my Mr. Potato Head!
"Hey, Pervert!" Asuka barked. "Leave her alone!" She turned towards her
friend.
Tom: <Hikari> And for my next trick I'll pull Asuka out of my hat!
"Hikari-chan, do you want to go shopping? There's this dress I want to try
on."
Mike: <Asuka> Which dress?
Crow: <Hikari> The one you're wearing right now.
Mike: <Asuka> But then I'll need another dress.
Crow: <Hikari> No you won't.
Tom: 'Sides, shouldn't these two be looking for plaid flannel shirts with
Haruka and Michiru?
Joel: ...for that matter, has anyone else noticed that the two most
APPLICABLE members of the SM cast are conspicuously absent?
Crow: They're too busy going at it like rabbits.
Hikari smiled. "Sure."
"Hey, Wonder Girl!" Asuka called to Rei. "Want to go shopping?"
Mike: <Rei> Shhhh! You'll blow my civilian identity cover!
Crow: That's how Rei suddenly appears in every scene. She can fly!
Tom: <Rei> Actually I'm Rei Clone #102...Rei Clone 51 was in
the last scene, and Rei Clone 79 will be in the next one...
Rei stopped. "Negative. My wardrobe is sufficient."
Tom: <Rei> It contains satisfactory fabrics and designs.
Mike: <Rei> This senshi's outfit with matching red heels and
tiara will suit me just fine.
"Your fashion sense is insufficient." Asuka pointed at Rei's uniform.
"Hikari-chan, we should teach her how to dress, shouldn't we?"
"Yes," Hikari reluctantly answered.
Crow: <Hikari> How was that?
Mike: <Director VO> Uhh, that wasn't bad, but try it again, this time
with feeeeling!
Joel: Umm, don't they all _have_ to wear uniforms at school?
"Come on!" Asuka took Rei's hand and dragged her out the classroom door.
Hikari followed them. Rei looked into Shinji's eyes, silently seeking
help.
Crow: <Rei> I'm desperate and I need Susan NOW.
Shinji smiled, then waved goodbye. 'Rei needs a friend,' he thought,
watching the girls leave.
Tom: <Shinji> I prescribe me, Dr. Chad Feelgood!
Mike: Wonder if Rei has a hiatus hernia.
Beside the door, a gunman called for backup. A second gunman was
flirting with a female teacher, and ignored his radio's call. Shinji
identified the gunmen as the Eva pilots' bodyguards.
Tom: ...and I guess the gunmen missed their cue! Can we ever be
INTRODUCED to a character? Please?
Crow: Also, why are they called gunmen? Can this story at least
TRY not to make things needlessly confusing?
Joel: <Shinji> Hey! You guys are supposed to be guarding the
grassy knoll by the book depository!
Mike: <Dr. Frink> Back... and to the left. Back... and to the left.
"Don't be upset, Toji-kun," Kensuke said, holding a pornographic DVD.
"This will make you smile." Toji sighed. "Shinji, do you want to watch
'Lesbians' Dildo Duels' with us?"
Tom: And there went the gunmen! Bye-bye two lines of our life! You never
meant much anyway!
Joel: <Toji> I don't know, do I?
Crow: <author> Yes! Yes, you do!
Joel: <Toji, shrugging> Guess so.
"No," Shinji answered, climbing out a window. "I have keep an eye on
Rei."
"Wow!" Kensuke dropped the DVD. "You get to watch Rei do..."
Mike: ...the Macarena?
Joel: Tai Chi?
Tom: The Urkel?
Crow: Tokyo-3?
Shinji didn't hear Kensuke. When his feet touched the ground, Shinji
searched for the other guards.
Tom: For what bleepin' reason? To drag them to the nearest topless bar?
Mike: Shinji needs some quality male bonding time!
Through the clock tower's windows, a sniper and his spotter stared at
the east gate, Rei's preferred gate. The girls were approaching the west
gate. 'Idiots,' Shinji thought, following the girls.
Crow: <Shinji> I am the gatekeeper! Let my key fit your locks!
Tom: So, ah... Quasimodo here is working on SOMEONE'S instructions
to kill the lesbians? It must be Mr. Horaki!
Crow: If he can't have his daughter, no one can!
****
The screen went fuzzy for a few seconds before the film stopped as a
garbled
sound came from the speakers. "What's wrong Frank? You didn't put the
film in wrong again, did you?"
"Err, it looks like we're having projector problems Dr. F" Frank exclaimed
as
he poked at the projector.
"Well fix it, we're just getting to the good parts!" Dr. Forrester
snapped impatiently.
"It may take awhile," Frank said as took the cover off, "In fact I'd
say this problem would take one or two minutes to fix, tops."
"Well hurry it up, the audience is getting restless."
"No we're not," one member said as he stood up, "Some of us are taking
this time to use the washroom."
"Yeah!" Exclaimed another member, "You can't expect us to sit straight
through a 156K text file. We're going to get some snacks!"
"I'm just going to sit here and think of some products I'd like to buy
while I fix this," Frank added in. "Oh, that'd be nice. I could use that
too.
And oh yes, I'm definitely interested in long distance savings. Very
interested..."
Dr. Forrester just shrugged his shoulders, "Very well...I guess will
return to this MST after a few short messages."
The FFML Refugee List
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Richard Beaubien Presents....
A Dot Every T Production....
"RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 2
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
MSTed by:
Ammadeau
Kaworu
Lerche
Megane 6.7
Richard Beaubien
SKJAM
Zoogz
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of
their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
"Relationships" was written by Sidewinder <aim9snake.hotmail.com>
and is used with his permission and our gratitude.
****
"And that's how I lead the Mad Scientist team to a gold medal in
Crocodile Feeding," Dr. Forrester explained to one of the con guests.
"It was really quite simple, we just stuck a foot in its mouth and..."
"Hey, Dr. F!" Frank interrupted, "I got the projector working again!"
"Excellent, we'll be able to resume the lecture now." Dr. Forrester
exclaimed happily, despite the groans of the gathered crowd. "Good
work, Frank."
"Thanks, Dr. F. And I also signed us up for a new long distance plan
over the computer." Frank explained as he started the projector. "Did
you know we can save over 90% if we use an overseas company?"
"Frank, you're an idiot," Dr. Forrester said plainly, "Just start the
film again!"
"Okay, okay! Sorry for trying to save us a little money...."
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
1615 hours. "God, it's hot!" Asuka saw an ice-cream stand.
Joel: Asuka must be hallucinating from the heat if she sees ice cream
standing.
"Hikari-chan, would you like some ice-cream?"
Crow: <Hikari> Only if I can lick it off you, Asuka-chan.
"No, thanks," Hikari answered. "Too many calories."
"Don't worry about your figure, it's perfect," Asuka assured. Hikari
blushed. Asuka bought three chocolate bars, put one in her mouth, then
handed the others to Hikari and Rei.
Mike: Hikari and Rei, acting upon some unseen signal, shoved the
other two bars in Asuka's mouth.
Crow: ... but they were at an ice-cream stand. Stick to one thing, story!
"Thank you," Hikari said.
"No, thank you. It is not essential to my nutrition..." Rei began.
Joel: <Asuka> But it's part of the Chocotastic food group!
Tom: <Rei> If it doesn't have a card in my Deal-A-Meal <tm> I ain't
chewin' it.
Asuka removed the bar in her mouth. "Don't tell me you're on a diet!"
She held the other bar an inch from Rei's nose. "Eat! You look like a
skeleton!" Rei blinked her surprise.
Mike: <Rei, huffily> I HAVE skin, thankyewverymuch!
"My, my, my. What do we have here?" Five youths approached the girls.
"The pretty soldiers who saved Tokyo-3."
Tom: ...and the Sailor Senshi make yet another incomprehensible
appearance!
Crow: <Usagi> Once and for all, Rei... are you one of us, or one of *them*?
"Get lost!" Asuka barked.
"Ouch! Rejection!" "Temper, temper!" "Looks like she's ready to play!"
the youths joked.
Mike: Who says what? What are these youths like? Male? Female?
Young? Old? Zombie rejects?
Tom: Thank your lucky stars they were at least INTRODUCED.
"Hey," the leader called. "Me and my friends are going to a party." He
pointed at Asuka. "You're invited."
Crow: <Asuka> OK, but no singing Happy Birthday or I may go postal!
Mike: He's the leader of the nondescript pack.
Tom: Vroom.
"Don't be shy!" A leering youth approached Rei. "Admit it, you want it."
He lunged. Rei grabbed the youth's hand, then threw him against the
sidewalk.
Joel: <Rei> I know kung fu, jujitsu, and many other scary words! Hya!
"Bitch!" the youth screamed, clutching his dislocated shoulder.
The others drew their switchblades.
Mike: <leader> They got Wally! Come on, girls!
Crow: The Kids in the Hall, in a cameo you NEVER thought you'd EVER
see unless you went BLIND STINKING DRUNK.
Tom: So where are their gunmen/guards during all this anyway? Tuning
their scopes? Pulling the bell-cord?
"Now you've done it," the leader snarled. Shocked, the
ice-cream vendor fled.
Joel: His ice cream stand had been thrown into the harbor once too often...
Tom: <leader> You've reeeeeeeeeally done it!
Asuka stepped in front of Hikari, shielding her. "Stay behind me," Asuka
whispered. A youth lunged. Asuka wiped the chocolate bar on the youth's
eyes, blinding him.
Crow: Cause we all know a creamy nougat is a lethal weapon
Tom: <Thug> But how did they get the creamy filling inside the Caramilk
bar?!?
As the youth clawed at his eyes, the leader lunged.
Asuka parried the blow, then kicked his groin. Clang.
Mike: <leader> Glad I grabbed my lead-lined jockstrap tonight!
Crow: No, he's in reality Iron Eunuch!
The leader dropped his knife, then cradled his genitals. He couldn't
block
Asuka's uppercut. Asuka ran towards Rei, who was fighting two youths.
Crow: <Joe Pesci> Now, the two utes...
Joel: <Fred Gwynne> Two what?
Crow: <Joe Pesci> Huh?
Joel: <Fred Gwynne> Did you say 'utes'?
Crow: <Joe Pesci> Oh, I'm sorry... YOU-THS...
"Stop!" Asuka and Rei turned towards the voice. The chocolate-faced
youth held his blade at Hikari's throat. "Or I'll cut off her pretty
face!"
Crow: <Youth> ...and wear it as a mask! Lah-dee-dah, I'm a lesbian!
Rei, go out with me!
Mike: Y'know, chocolate-faced youth simply does NOT work in a
fight scene.
Tom: So she just stood there and let chocolate puss do this? I don't want
to
say this is lame, but I can't think of another way to finish that
sentence.
"Let her go, or I'll..." Asuka began.
"Or you'll what?" the youth interrupted. "What are you going to..."
Mike: <Asuka> I guess... I'll just... have to...
Crow: <youth> Stop! Stop right there! There'll be no singing in this
fanfic!
Bang! The bullet penetrated the youth's leather jacket, his shoulder
blade,
and his right lung.
Joel: And right through Hikari who he was holding so closely. Nice
shooting,
Tex.
Crow: <Gunman> Hoo-ha! I killed the hostage!
Tom: Who do you think you are? Keanu Reeves?
Clang. The youth dropped his knife, then collapsed on his hostage's back.
Hikari gasped as blood seeped through her uniform, coating her skin.
Crow: <Hikari> Oh yuck! Ick! This is so gross and... hey, this is doing
wonders for my complexion!
Tom: Then Hikari snapped... she found that not only did she like the sight
of blood, she loved the taste of it... loved the red heat, and could feel
it
course through her veins...
Mike: Maybe Hikari will turn out to be Sailor Moon and the fic will
suddenly
make sense?
"Take cover!" Asuka instinctively pushed Rei onto the ground, out of
the line of fire. Hikari's assailant stopped breathing when Shinji's
shadow
cloaked him.
Joel: <Shinji> I AM THE TERROR THAT PROPOSITIONS IN THE NIGHT!
Mike: <Shinji> I AM THE PRICETAG ON THE BACK OF YOUR
NEW SWEATSHIRT!
Both: <Shinji> I AM DARKWING DUCK!
The laser sights' beams touched Asuka's and Rei's assailants. Bang, bang!
Crow: <singing> On the door, baby!
Mike: <singing> ...bang went the trolley! Clang clang clang went the
bell...
Tom: What description. It's almost as if you can see the bullets being
fired
Joel: Not to mention that laser sights would be _useless_ in the middle of
the
day!
"You monster!" The leader stood up. Bang! He fell, clutching his
shattered knee.
Tom: <leader> WHY ME?! WHY ME?!?
Rei stood up, staring at the crippled youth. "He was unarmed."
"He was a threat," Shinji snarled.
Mike: <Rei> He can sue us!
Crow: <Shinji> He took up fic time that should have gone to me!
The star of this fic!
"Are you okay?" Asuka asked. Hikari stared at the blood, then cried
on Asuka's shoulder. "You psycho! You could have hit Hikari!"
Asuka accused.
Joel: <Shinji> The youth is dangerous. I can sense it, why can't you?
Tom: Actually, there's no way he could have missed her. She should be
dead right now if logic actually applied to this fic.
"Impossible." Shinji set the guns' manual safety, then holstered them.
"My aim was perfect."
Crow: <Rei> Oh, let the baby have his thrill kill!
Tom: <Shinji> Just like Uncle Ryo taught me. Now who wants to give me
some Mokkori!
Joel: <Gene Wilder> But I'm not the Kid anymore. I can't even hold
a gun! See?
Mike: <Cleavon Little> Wow, steady as a rock!
Joel: <Gene Wilder, shaking> Yeah, but I shoot with THIS hand!
"Police!" Two police officers approached them, followed by the ice-cream
vendor. Shinji showed them his ID. "Self-defense."
Joel: <Policeman> Yep, he checks out, he's on the self-defense
force. Now, about causing property damage to three-fourths of Tokyo...
Mike: Hey, I call foul! Since when do police arrive at the scene of
a crime three seconds after it occurred?
Tom: Now you can tell this is a work of fiction.
Crow: <Shinji> My name's Self-defense. I'm a vigilante with a mission.
A mission that's dark and dangerous, a mission filled with loneliness
that
can only be filled by a hot dame or a cold drink....
An officer frowned. "Please come with us," he ordered. "You are to
make a statement."
"Langley, can you handle this?" Shinji asked.
Mike: <officer> Who the hell are you?
Joel: <Asuka> I'm Langley The Lackey. Pleasure to be working with you.
Tom: <Asuka> A-ahem. The sky is blue. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Mike: The police don't even bother taking the smoking gun away from him?
"Go to hell!" Asuka barked. She turned towards the officers. "I'll make
a
statement." She helped Hikari stand up. "Is there a doctor at the
station?"
Tom: <policeman> Excuse me miss, but that's an interrogative question.
Joel: The Doctor in this fanfic will be played by Dr. Nick Riviera
Crow: <Dr. Nick, looking down> Wow, you need booze!
"Yes. Your friend will be all right," the officer answered. His partner
performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on Hikari's assailant.
Tom: He graduated from the Gorilla Monsoon School of Medicine!
Mike: <partner> In with the good air, out with the bad air. Thataway!
Just forget that we might be killing you for your crimes a couple weeks
from now, we want you ALIVE!
"Rei, baby, would you like an escort home?" Shinji held out his hand.
'Can I trust him?' Rei asked herself. "Yes." She took his hand.
Tom: <Rei> Can I trust a homicidal maniac with gay tendencies, one
arm, and an aura of smooth?
Crow: <Shinji> Hey, if you can't, who CAN you trust?
"Hey, you..." The officer put his hand on Shinji's shoulder. Shinji
looked
into the officer's eyes, silently threatening. As the pilot left, the
officer
shuddered. 'Monster...'
Mike: <Shinji> Good? Bad? I'm the one with the shotgun...
Joel: <officer> The way he ate those cookies... those googly eyes...
<shudder>
1720 hours. Hikari stood in the shower stall, watching the blood flow
down the drain. 'I'm afraid,' she noted.
Joel: <Hikari> Last time I let Hitchcock talk me into a starring role.
Mike: <Director VO> Look Hikari, if you can't give us what we need,
we'll just get your understudy here!
Tom and Crow: <Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen> You called?
'Death nearly separated me from the one I love... before I could express
my love. But does Asuka love me?' Hikari sighed.
Joel: <singing> What's love got to do... got to do with it....
Crow: Eh, love's just a second hand emotion.
She knew very little about Asuka. In fact, she didn't know if Asuka
had a family.
Mike: <Asuka> Eh, you don' ask questions 'bout da Family, if yuh
knowhaddamean, capiche?
Tom: <Hikari> Ooh, I love women of mystery....
'Does she love Shinji?' Hikari remembered Asuka's conflict with Shinji.
'Does she fear Shinji? Does she fear her feelings towards Shinji?'
Crow: <Toji> Hey! Other people want this shower before the WATER
GETS COLD!!
She remembered the warmth of Asuka's embrace. 'If I express my
feelings for her, will she accept me? Or...'
Mike: Will she spit on my headless corpse with a smile and a bloody
butter knife?
Hikari clenched her fist. 'I must risk this. I can't rest until I
express
my true feelings.' She wrapped a towel around her body, then left the
bathroom.
Tom: Unfortunately she grabbed the hand towel by mistake.
Joel: Outside, the line was already formed and the lots were drawn
to see who would use it next... many enemies were made that afternoon...
1730 hours.
Crow: Synchronize Swatches!
Joel: Who needs setting and plot when we have the correct time?
Tom: Yes, but local or Greenwich time?
"Are you hurt?" Major Katsuragi asked.
Mike: <Ritsuko> Just don't be so rough next time!
Crow: <Katsuragi> If not, can I hurt you... please?
Mike: <Ritsuko> No.
Crow: <Katsuragi> *SLAP* How about now?
"No," Asuka answered. "But Psycho... Pilot Ikari's actions placed myself
and Ms. Horaki in danger. I recommend that he be removed from active
duty..."
Tom: And placed on hazardous duty.
Crow: <Misato> Well, YOU tell him! I'm not going anywhere near
Shinji for the next week after what I heard!
Joel: <Misato> Oh, good idea, let's put the fear of God into the reserve
units...
"Your recommendations are noted." 'And rejected,' Misato didn't say.
Mike: <Misato> I'll just ship him back to Hong Kong and let him
drown this time. That should take care of him.
Crow: <Misato> Hey, this is fun! I can think whatever I want
and no one can hear me! Hey Hikari, I want to sleep with you right
now! Heh heh heh, she doesn't suspect a thing....
Asuka sensed Misato's rejection. "But he's insane!" she screamed
into the phone.
Joel: Asuka the mystic, she can sense your love life for only $9.99 a
minute.
Tom: <Asuka> And what's more... OUR PRICES ARE INSANE TOO!
Misato sighed. "We can't afford to remove Pilot Ikari from active duty.
Tom: <Misato> As it is, our budget can barely cover our dry cleaning.
You have ANY idea how hard it is to clean chocolate off these suits?
Crow: <Misato> Even though we did so in the original series, which
the author obviously hasn't seen.
He has no replacement."
"But..." Asuka stopped. Her guardian was right. Asuka herself couldn't
match Shinji's combat ability. "I understand."
Crow: All that underwater exercise in Hong Kong made Shinji perfect
for dipping in LCL!
Mike: <Asuka> I thought you needed my skills, but you just want me
for my body?!?
"I'm sorry," Misato added. "I'm trapped at headquarters.
Paperwork. Have dinner without me."
Tom: <Misato> That's an ORDER, Paperwork!
Joel: <Paperwork> But I slaved over a hot stove for you all day, you jerk!
Crow: <Misato> When the piles of "to do" fell over and blocked the
door, I knew it was time to start catching up.
"Okay. Goodbye."
"See you later." Misato hung up.
Mike: Another day, another wasted dime for the Friends and Family plan...
Crow: <Misato> Now then, what the hell have you blathering on about
while I was on the phone?
Asuka stood before the kitchen sink, washing the blood off of Hikari's
clothes. "Damn Psycho Gunner!"
Tom: Well, use a different brand of detergent, then.
Joel: <Asuka> Oh well, as least he isn't as messy as that Guyver Gunner
we were training a while back....
Click. The bathroom door opened. "I'm sorry, Hikari-chan.
This stain refuses to come out!" She sighed.
Crow: <Asuka> Now you get over here and do the laundry, you dumbkopf!
Mike: <Hikari> Well, can you speed it up, Lady Macbeth? I've got a date
tonight!
"My room is down the hallway, to your right. Just borrow one of my
spare uniforms."
Hikari was silent.
Joel: ...but deadly.
Mike: <Hikari> Must practice Ninja skills...
Tom: <Hikari> How can I tell her her uniform tops are too tight in
the chest for me?
"Hikari-chan, are you okay?" Asuka sensed her friend's insecurity.
"Don't be afraid, that punk won't be able to hurt you."
Crow: The thug and goons, on the other hand....
Joel: <Hikari> But... Shinji is still out there!
Mike: <Asuka> After all, punk as a musical movement has been over
for years.
"I'm not afraid of him," Hikari answered. "I..." She prepared herself
for Asuka's reaction. "Asuka, I love you. I'm sorry, you..."
Tom: <Hikari> ...have this piece of spinach between your teeth, mind if
I dislodge it with my tongue?
Joel: <Asuka> What does that have to do with you not being afraid of him?
Mike: <Hikari> Is everyone clueless in this fic!?
Crow: I wonder if that will turn Asuka into a sour kraut.
Joel, Tom and Mike: Arrgh...
"Don't be. I love you, too." Then Asuka kissed her. Hikari's eyes
widened,
then closed as she returned the kiss. "You don't have to be afraid,"
Asuka
assured. The towel fell onto the floor.
Joel: So all that anguish and torment for a two second resolution?
Crow: Who cares? LET THE LEMON BEGIN!
'Don't have to be afraid...' For one moment, Hikari was free of her
fears.
Tom: <Asuka> Heh heh, that "Hypnotization for Dummies" book works
wonders...
Mike: Asuka prepared for a new career in the faith healing gig.
1800 hours.
Joel: ABC's latest news program.
Tom: ... so 6 o'clock then. Make sure to write all the times down.
There's
a quiz at the end of the fic!
Mike: At least this fic has a nice solid timeline. Hell, it IS a timeline.
Major Katsuragi accessed the Tokyo-3 Police Department's database.
A second computer monitor showed the Eva pilots' psychological profiles.
Joel: <Major> Geez, these guys should ALL be in a strait-jacket!
Tom: Cops in Tokyo-3! <singing> Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
Mike: Misato: Gee, I wonder if I should tell Asuka about Hikari's 1500
prostitution arrests?
Crow: Wow, it's too bad Nene went to the AD police, it sounds like the
Tokyo-3 department desperately needs her services...
Asuka's psychiatrist judged the girl to be a bisexual, but Misato doubted
this judgment.
Tom: <Misato> Definitely lezbo all the way.
Mike: <Misato> The computer told me she was gay, and the computer is
never wrong!
Joel: <Misato> The only thing flaming about that girl is her red
hair! Trust me, I'm much more accurate than any stupid psychiatrist!
Mike: <Doctor> Now Asuka... are you bisexual?
Crow: <Asuka> Yes, but that costs extra.
Shinji's psychiatrist judged the boy to be in excellent health, but Shinji
took two years of psychology classes.
Mike: And is therefore able to think rings around any trained professional.
Tom: <Shinji> I graduated from Hollywood Medical, just like Dr. Nick did!
Joel: And the "doctor" wasn't tipped off by Shinji carrying in a Smith and
Wesson and laughing maniacally?
Crow: Hahaha! What kind of dime store doctor are they using at NERV
anyway?
He knew how to perform a psychological evaluation, and how to manipulate
the results.
Tom: Shinji even prescribed his own drugs to keep that pesky "D.J. Croft"
personality at bay.
Crow: <Shinji> Hey, I listen to The Fraiser Crane Show daily, I've heard it
all....
Mike: <Dr. Freud> Now tell me Shinji, did you have deep rooted trauma
involving
your mother?
Crow: <Shinji> Well...
A third monitor showed images from a spy satellite. Shinji aimed his
handguns. Red lines traced the bullets' trajectories.
Mike: I always thought spy satellites were meant to... well SPY... on
OTHER
countries.
Joel: <Shinji> Red bullet lines? Do they think I'm a Marx-man?
'Such rage,' Misato noted. 'Can he control this rage?'
Crow: Rage, Rage against the dying of the plot.
Mike: Because everyone who fires a gun must be filled with rage.
Tom: <Misato> And if he can, can he turn it into sexual energy?
NERV couldn't defeat the Angels without the Evas, but NERV couldn't
afford to maintain the Evas without the UN member nations' funds.
Joel: Two words. Bake. Sale.
Tom: And Jesse Helms is still blocking the US paying up its back dues, even
in
2014.
Crow: ...even though they're funded by SEELE.
These nations might stop funding the Evangelion Project if they thought
the pilots were mentally unstable.
Mike: Or they could pay up faster.
Tom: <NERV> Pay us now or Shinji visits your capitals!
Misato stared at Shinji's photo. 'Can the media see him as a hero?' She
accessed a report on Shinji's recent behavior. 'Yes.'
Misato picked up her phone.
Joel: We just need to put him in a costume with a skull on the chest, and
provide a couple of drug dealers to whack.
0000 hours. Asuka slept beside Hikari, whose embrace had exorcised
her nightmares.
Tom: The fic has finally run out of hours.
Crow: On the other hand, the "idea" tank has been dry for days.
Mike: <Hikari> My embrace was blessed by the Pope himself!
1150 hours, Friday.
Joel: TGIF!
Crow: What, is this production on the half-day weekends schedule?
Mike: Shinji was found dead in his apartment. Rei-4 vouched that Rei-3
was with her the entire night in question.
"Hikari's in love with... who?" Kensuke asked.
"I don't know. Maybe it's Shinji," Toji answered.
Tom: Toji really is thick, isn't he?
Joel: No, it's Dr. Who. Chicks go wild for the smooth feel of a tardis!
"Maybe it's Asuka," Kensuke joked. "Maybe she'll let us watch when
she..."
Toji slapped him with a pornographic magazine. "Pervert! I've had
enough of your lesbian fantasies!"
Crow: Kensuke equals pot and Toji equals kettle, eh?
Joel: All right, who replaced Toji with a conservative?
Tom: <Toji> Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to my issue
of 'Gigantic Asses'.
Kensuke readjusted his glasses. "Don't you have lesbian fantasies?
Don't you want to..."
Mike: Dress like a woman and do me?
"I'm serious!" Toji sighed. "When I see Hikari, I don't see a sex slave.
I see a wife, a mother, and a homemaker."
Crow: In other words, just A slave.
Tom: <Toji> Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. That's how a
woman should be.
Joel: <Toji> A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker!
"Does Hikari see you as a husband, a father, and a breadwinner?" Shinji
asked, opening his locker door.
Mike: <Toji> Nah, she sees me as a sex object, same as always.
Tom: Uhh... Cue Shinji, I guess... Doesn't this fanfic ever introduce
ANYONE?! Please, just once?
Crow: By the bye, are these school lockers or work lockers?
Joel: I think they're foot lockers, Shinji needs a steady supply for his
mouth.
"I don't know. I..." Toji looked into Shinji's eyes, silently seeking
help.
"Prove that you can be a husband, a father, and a breadwinner. Prove that
you're trustworthy," Shinji advised.
Crow: <Shinji> Then dump her ass for a topless dancer. You'll be glad you
did!
Joel: So the best advice Shinji can give is to have Toji knock up another
girl
to prove his ability to father children?
Mike: <Toji> I'm only 14, how can I do that?
Tom: <Shinji> Oh yeah, so am I. All those years underwater have messed me
up.
"Shinji-kun, what do women see you as?" Kensuke asked. "A stud? A
sex machine?"
Joel: <Shinji> Both those and then some!
Tom: <Shinji> No, a threat.
Mike: <Shinji> A sex machine. Insert a quarter to get some hot loving!
Shinji chuckled. "They see me as myself." He closed the door, then
walked away.
Joel: <Toji> Oh, well, that makes sen... huh?!?
Crow: Okay, that establishes he's outside the locker now.
"He's so cool, he's Mr. Cool," Kensuke said. "Women love Mr. Cool.
I want to be Mr. Cool."
'Does Hikari?' Toji asked himself.
Tom: <Kensuke> No, *I* do! Pay attention!
Crow: <Kensuke> I want to change my name to Joe and hang out outside
the dorm on a Sunday afternoon!
Mike: Snoopy should run in and beat the peanuts out of Shinji for stealing
his
name.
"Asuka-chan, last night..." Hikari blushed.
Asuka put her finger on Hikari's lips. "You don't have to be
embarrassed."
Her finger caressed Hikari's face. "I can keep a secret."
Joel: <Asuka> Just like the author keeping the scene changes a secret.
Tom: <Hikari> But I can't! HEY EVERYBODY....!!!
Hikari sighed. "I... I don't want it to be a secret,
but..." Asuka turned away. "I'm sorry..."
Mike: Hikari's getting ready to put the "Touch her and DIE!" sign on
Asuka's back now.
Crow: <Hikari> It's the whispers and snide remarks from the immature
that I fear the most!
"It's not your fault." Asuka sighed. "When my mother... left... I swore
to take care of myself. I thought I didn't need anybody, but..." Hikari
embraced her. "Thank you," Asuka whispered.
Tom: <Asuka> I see you as a wife, a mother and a homemaker.
Joel: Sometimes, a hug speaks louder than words....
Rei stared at Asuka's face. 'Horaki feels safe in Langley's presence.
Langley feels trusted in Horaki's presence. How does Ikari-kun feel
in my presence?'
Mike: <Shinji> She makes me feel kinda funny... like when I used to
climb the rope in gym class....
Tom: Why the heck is Rei in Asuka's bedroom?
1600 hours. "Ikari-kun, what is the basis of a relationship?" Rei asked.
Crow: Oh no! The fanfic's doing callbacks!
Joel: Regret, resolve, repeat. Regret, resolve, repeat.
"That depends," Shinji said. "What kind of relationship are you talking
about?"
"Husband-wife."
Mike: So, ah... didn't we cover this already, and when did Rei become a
cheap knock-off of Data?
Tom: Sheesh, they'll be calling Shinji the love doctor if this keeps up!
Crow: <Shinji> Love is a new 30-ought-6, baby.
Shinji chuckled. "Sex." Rei blinked her surprise. "After sex,
pregnancy,"
Shinji added.
Crow: <Shinji> After pregnancy, running away... and after running
away, finding another stripper!
Joel: Is Rei REALLY surprised that Shinji said that at this point?
Mike: <Shinji> Make your womb ALL THAT IT CAN BE!
"After pregnancy, parenthood. And the payment of endless bills. After
the child reaches adulthood... I don't know... we dance the waltz as our
hair becomes white?"
Joel: Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four?
Crow: Will you delouse me, around the house me, at sixty-four?
Tom: Will you fumigate my bed, with a smile on your head, at sixty-four?
Mike: This is about the point the reader really needs to smack Gendo for
sending Shinji to Hong Kong.
"Hey, Shinji-kun!" Toji called.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Shinji put his hand on Rei's shoulder.
"See you tomorrow, Rei."
Crow: <Shinji> I've only got 10 years left at my sexual peak! Oh god, I've
wasted another minute! Quick, have sex with me twice before I fall
behind!
Tom: And another day of "The Miseducation of Ayanami Rei" comes to an end.
"See you." After Shinji left, Rei sighed. 'Tomorrow. What will tomorrow
bring?'
Joel: Padding, and lots of it.
Mike: Now playing the part of Annie, Rei Ayanami!
Tom: <Gorilla Monsoon> Will you stop?!?
1615 hours. A reporter and a cameraman barricaded the hospital entrance.
"What are they doing here?" Toji asked.
Joel: Umm, just a guess but they look to be barricading...
Crow: Day 5 coverage of 'Readers Held Hostage.'
Shinji frowned. "Ignore them." They paid the taxi driver, then
approached the hospital.
Mike: <Shinji> We'll go in through the window, guns blazing.
Tom: <PA> Calling Dr. Howard... Dr. Fine... Dr. Howard....
"There he is!" "Pilot Ikari, may we have a word with you!?" The reporter
approached Shinji.
"Shinji-kun..." Toji began.
"Go on," Shinji ordered.
Crow: <Shinji> It shouldn't take me too long to hide the bodies.
Mike: <Shinji> You vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid?!?
Out my way, you parasites!! *POW!*
'So cold,' Toji noted. 'Sometimes, he's warm and caring. Sometimes, he's
cold and cruel. Which one's the real Shinji? The hero? The monster?'
Joel: The real Shinji is... not appearing in this fic.
"I'll be with you shortly," Shinji added. He watched Toji dodge the
reporter, then reached into his coat. Screw, screw, screw...
Tom: Whoa! Shinji, not in public! Please!
Joel: Somebody get that man a Phillips, pronto!
Mike: And make mine a Phillips... Milk of Magnesia. Urp...
"Pilot Ikari..." Puff, crack! The bullet shattered the zoom lens.
"Gun!"
Clang! The cameraman dropped the camera as he fled.
Crow: Man, what's with the sudden explosion of drug use and masturbating
all of a sudden?
Joel: <Shinji> Damn smoochers! Get off my land!
Mike: And the cops show five minutes later and arrest Shinji for attempted
murder... please?
"Please be quiet, we're at a hospital," Shinji whispered. He raised the
silencer to his lips, then hushed.
Tom: ...himself with a bullet
Crow: He's now talking to his guns... and was given a clean bill o'
psychological health. Whoo boy.
Joel: Well, that's it. He's as awesomely cool as he's ever going to be
right now.
"You idiot!" Major Katsuragi stepped in front of the reporter. "Do you
know what you've done!?"
"I don't know, and I don't care." Shinji walked away.
Mike: <Shinji> Screw Jimmy and screw his corn.
Tom: Okay, now Shinji just needs a beating for his own good.
Joel: <Misato> Time for the caning... by Unit-02!
Crow: <Asuka> Ooooh, this is gonna be SWEET!
1620 hours. "Sis!" Toji embraced Yuki.
"Bro!" Yuki returned the embrace.
"How are you?"
Tom: Man, what I wouldn't give for a few snowflakes right now....
Mike: <Toji> Look, I don't want it... it's yours!
Crow: <Yuki> Eww, I don't want a moldy old embrace! You keep it!
"I'm fine! The doctor says I can go home on Monday!" Yuki
answered. "That's great!"
Shinji knocked on the door frame. "May I come in?"
Joel: <Yuki> As long as you check your firearms at the door.
Tom: <Shinji> Even...
Joel: <Yuki> YES, the bandoleer too!
Toji smelled spent gunpowder. "Sure," he reluctantly answered.
Shinji handed a bouquet of yellow roses to Yuki, who smiled.
"What happened?" Toji asked.
Tom: Shinji just gave your sister some roses! Pay attention!
Mike: <Shinji> I picked these off some woman in the lobby. she
won't be needin' em no more.
Crow: <Shinji> Yes, here I am again, the fantastic SHINJI, ready
to solve all your love problems with my words of macho wisdom!
"I'm not NERV's whore," Shinji snarled.
"What's a whore?" Yuki innocently asked.
Tom: <Shinji> In this fic? Practically everybody!
Joel: ...and where did THIS come from, pray tell?
Mike: <Yuki> You mean I can charge money for it? Hey Toji, pay up!
Shinji looked into the girl's eyes. "A whore is a weakling," he answered.
Crow: <Shinji> A lady is anyone who'll sleep with me.
Tom: Ah. Two years of Psych classes, and none in vocabulary.
'Both of them are real,' Toji answered himself. 'Can I trust him? A
man who is both a monster and a hero?'
Tom: YOU make the call! And now... back to the fanfic!
Mike: And THIS was covered earlier too! Damn, this fic's just
circling the sewer at this point...
Joel: After nearly gunning down a reporter, I'd go with no.
1700 hours. "Good, the chocolate has melted. Now, pour it onto the
strawberries," Asuka ordered.
Crow: We interrupt our regular fanfic to bring you Iron Chef with Asuka!
Mike: Look, the tarts are making tarts!
As the pilot laid the strawberries onto the cake, Hikari placed the spoon
into the pot and scooped up some melted chocolate. Asuka looked at the
cake, then at the picture in the cook book.
"Good job!"
Joel: Sadly, it was a picture of Salvador Dali's watches.
Tom: Just when you thought the fic couldn't get more pointless... Are we
going to have Kensuke discussing the weather next?
"It looks delicious," Hikari said.
Asuka smiled. "Not as delicious as you."
Mike: ...with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Joel: Let's add a spice to this recipe, hmm hmm!
Crow: Cue the funky 70's music!
Tom: Oh, come on! The chocolate is syrupy enough!
She took the spoon, sensually licked it, then kissed her friend. Hikari
giggled when she tasted the chocolate on Asuka's lips.
Crow: Hikari then started nibbling at Asuka's lips... and before long,
began chewing. Asuka's screams of pain went unheeded as Hikari needed
more and more of the sweet chocolate...
Mike: Lay off the Tales From the Crypt, man....
Horaki Nozomi, Hikari's younger sister, entered the kitchen. "Can I have
some chocolate?" she asked. Hikari blushed.
Crow: Ok, I'm starting to enjoy this fic now.
Joel: You would....
Tom: Sure kid, just lick it off Asuka's other lips....
Asuka smiled. "Sure." She scooped up some melted chocolate and
handed the spoon to Nozomi.
"Thank you." 'Asuka's so nice,' Nozomi thought. 'Sis is lucky to have
her as a friend.'
Tom: Just then Shinji walked in and they immediately bombarded him with
questions about love and romance.
Mike: <Shinji> Happiness is a smoking barrel, baby.
"Dr. Akagi, what is the basis of a husband-wife relationship?" Rei asked.
Ritsuko stopped typing revisions for the pilot-interface systems. "Love."
Crow: Hey, think Ritsuko could start typing revisions for the
PLOT-interface
systems next?
Tom: Sorry, her mom didn't leave notes on that.
"Ikari-kun said it is sex."
"Sex!?" Ritsuko's eyes widened. 'Firearms, forgery... what else did he
learn at the People's Liberation Army Academy?'
Joel: PLA is a lot more liberal than I would have guessed.
Crow: Especially their underwater Hong Kong branch.
Mike: <Ritsuko> But... but... he's in the ARMY! What does the
ARMY have to do with sex?!?
Rei nodded. "After sex, pregnancy. After pregnancy,
parenthood. And the payment of endless bills. After the child reaches
adulthood, we dance the waltz as our hair becomes white."
Tom: <Ritsuko> Yeah, that's about right.
Joel: Will you hose my leather, while I watch the weather, at sixty-four?
Crow: Will you trip the light, while I take to flight, at sixty-four?
Mike: <chuckling> Okay, guys, okay....
Ritsuko sighed her relief. "I guess that's love." She looked into Rei's
eyes. "Is that what you want from Shinji? To bear his child, and
together,
to watch this child grow up?"
Joel: To see it shoot off its mouth and the guns that Shinji gives it for
the
next thirty years?
Tom: <Rei> Nah, I thought I'd give up the child for adoption and go topless
bar hopping with Shinji for the rest of our lives....
"I do not know. I... I will ask Ikari-kun. I will know the answer." Rei
left Ritsuko's office.
Ritsuko sighed, then resumed typing.
Joel: <Ritsuko> Now then, where was I? Oh yes... I'm holding your son
hostage, unless you pay me one million dollars by Sunday, I will....
Crow: <Ritsuko> Ahh, back to work! "The Major ran her white-hot
hands up and down the nubile willing young virgin, eliciting a groan
of delight every few seconds..." Heh heh, I love my computer.
1800 hours. "Good night, Asuka-chan." Hikari pecked Asuka's cheek.
"Come and play another day!" Nozomi added.
Asuka smiled. "I will."
Mike: <Nozomi> Don't forget the skipping rope and jacks!
Tom: Geez, Asuka is getting busy with both sisters now. Bet she's
gunning for Rei next.
Horaki Kodama, Hikari's older sister, frowned as the pilot left. She
saw the hunger in Asuka's eyes. 'What do you want from my sister? Sex?'
Kodama clenched her fist. 'I don't care if you're a hero. I won't let
you
hurt my sister.'
Mike: Yeah! About time we have a character that knows right from
wrong and is building up some good righteous fury!
Joel: <Kodama> I'm eldest. I get to get hurt first!
Crow: They were just lip wrestling. Buy a clue, will ya?
1905 hours. "Hey, Mark!" Yu Jiaolong, a waitress at the Little Canton
Restaurant, waved to her coworker. "This psycho looks just like you!"
Crow: ...and two completely random characters enter our story. I miss the
sailor senshi.
Tom: Have I mentioned this fic reminds me of Mighty Jack yet, cause,
well... IT DOES!
Joel: Harold "Mark" Atari, now working at a greasy-spoon Chinese diner...
Mike: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank had better continuity. Hell, it was
less of a rip-off too!
Crow: I would rather get doppled into NXE at this point.
Shinji turned towards the television, which showed him shooting the
camera.
"Are you kidding? I'm much more handsome," he joked, washing the dishes.
"... paranoid schizophrenic," a psychologist diagnosed. "I'm appalled
that
the UN would force such a responsibility upon a 14-year-old."
Tom: ...the UN is forcing fourteen-year-olds to BECOME schizophrenic?!
Joel: Is this the same UN that united to rescue Santa Claus from the
Martians?
Mike: No wonder the Michigan Militia exists.
"Thank you, Dr. Mizuno." The anchorman turned towards the camera.
"During the Vietnam War, an American officer said, 'In order to save the
village, we had to destroy it.' Will we destroy our humanity..."
Crow: Hey, it's our Sailor Moon crossover again!
Mike: We missed ya, buddy... you were our only source of IC!
Tom: American Military Intelligence... is there any challenge they're
NOT up to?
The TV showed Evangelion Unit 01 attack the 5th Angel, whose blood
showered the earth.
"... in order to save it? This is Chiba Mamoru, with Tokyo TV News."
Joel: Tux-Boy! Yay! ...wow, did I just SAY that?
Crow: Anyone else just marking time wishing Crystal Tokyo would
HURRY THE HELL UP?!
Mike: Heck, I'm rooting for the Third Impact right about now.
"I don't understand the Japanese." Li Mubai, the restaurant's proprietor,
changed the channel.
Joel: ...and she's running a restaurant in Japan? Wow, she's a glutton for
punishment.
Tom: Oh Lord, please don't say that she's running the Nekohanten...
Crow: I'm guessing this author enjoys channel surfing.
"When the aliens attacked, they bankrupt the UN to build a giant robot.
What did this robot do? It demolished the city to crush the alien. Like
burning down a house to kill a rat."
Mike: Even though they were built way before the angels attack.
Joel: Hey! Don't get down on Giant Robo like that!
Crow: Damn you, Voltron! Damn you to hell!
He patted Shinji's back. "Keep up the good work, Mark."
Tom: OK, I'll bite. Who the hell's Mark?
Joel: Mark is Shinji's underwater secret ID
Mike: Markie Mark, the 6th Child!
Crow: <Shinji> First I think I'm Shinji, then I think I'm Fu Manchu,
now I think I'm D.J. Croft!
"Mark, can you really play the piano?" Jiaolong asked.
"Yes," Shinji answered.
"After work, can I listen to you play?"
"Sure."
Tom: <Jiaolong> Will you play it again, Shinji?
Joel: <Shinji> Sorry, I already promised Rei I wouldn't.
Mike: <Shinji> I only know the Jaws theme. That okay?
Jiaolong pecked Shinji's forehead. "Thank you." Then she filled the
sink with dirty dishes.
Shinji chuckled. "Luck, be a lady tonight..." he sang, washing the
dishes.
Crow: Oh, he just wants to get Luck pregnant, watch the kid grow up, and
then dance the waltz with her when his hair turns white.
Tom: <Shinji> And for my first song, I'll do a bouncy cover of Ray Steven's
'The Streak'....
Mubai sighed. His niece was 16, too young to understand love. Mark was
21.
'Will he abuse Jiaolong's trust?' Mubai asked himself.
Joel: Let us pray her trust is all he'll abuse.
'I have faith in Mark's honor. I pray that my faith isn't misplaced.'
Mubai was unaware that his faith was placed on a fake ID.
Mike: Praying to the ID, sacrificing in the ID... all in naught, for it was
a
false idol.
Crow: "Mark's" honor. What about Shinji's honor?
"Do you know what you have done!?" Gendo screamed into the phone.
Tom: Yes, just gone deaf. Thanks.
Crow: <Gendo> I DIDN'T ORDER THE DEEP DISH! I WANTED THE
THIN CRUST!!
>"Negative, Sir," General Li Long answered. Behind him, workers bolted
armor onto an Eva.
Mike: It's always important to have giant robots wear protection.
Joel: They were preparing the EVA unit for the RenFest!
Crow: But where will they find a horse that large for the jousting?
>"You were ordered to educate my son! You have failed!" Gendo
accused. "Now, he is a wild animal, uncontrollable and..."
Tom: <Shinji, singing> Let me be your hog!
Joel: I don't understand, sir... we gave him a strict Catholic school
upbringing, who knew he'd rebel?
Mike: The nuns gave him the 'evils of masturbation' speech.
>"When you abandoned your responsibility to your son, you abandoned
your control over your son," Long interrupted.
Tom: <Gendo> Wha?!? How DARE you be honest with me! You're fired!
Mike: <Gendo> Fuyutsuki, unleash the Robotic Richard Simmons!
>"You unleashed the beast. I will not help you recapture the beast." He
hung up.
Joel: Dan Severn is on the loose! Run for your lives!
Tom: Kaji remains free-range, no one daring to cage him up...
Crow: Gendo scowled furiously at the phone as he started chanting over
his strangely kawaii pendant
Before him, a computer monitor showed a video of Evangelion Unit 01
in battle.
Crow: Set coincidentally enough to a Metallica tune of indiscriminate
origin.
Tom: <Gendo> All right, I love this anime! I tape it every week!
The Eva punched the 3rd Angel's face.
Joel: <Angel> Oh great, I just lost face!
Mike: Directly after, the EVA gave the Third Angel a snicker-snag and a wet
willie.
Tom: <Gendo> Yeah! Go EVA unit! Dump his books next!
"Die! Die! Die! Die!" Shinji screamed. Crack! The Eva crushed the
Angel's skull.
Mike: It's a good thing Shinji has a chance to work through these
aggressions...
Crow: <Gendo> My god, he is psycho... or speaking German, I'm not sure
which.
Shinji madly laughed.
'Such rage,' Long noted. He remembered Shinji's first expression of rage.
Tom: <Long> Get that boy a laxative!
Four years ago.
Joel: What, no listing of hours?
Mike: Our forefathers created this great nation that we've now screwed up
beyond all recognition.
Through a crack in the recovery room's door, Long watched Shinji play
with his pocket computer.
Crow: Back then, Shinji was known as Psycho Dweeb.
Tom: Needless to say, Long was obsessed with cracks.
The boy's right arm was in a sling, his right eye was covered by a
bandage.
Mike: <Shinji> Arr, matey.
"I cannot protect him," Long noted.
Tom: <Long> I'm a bigger wimp than he is.
Joel: <Long> Jackie Chan has a better chance of being insured than Shinji.
"You can. When Shinji has recovered, I will let him return home."
Mike: And the character saying this is...?
Crow: Sore wa himitsu desu.
"Negative," Gendo said. "The Project is entering a critical phase. I am
responsible for humanity's salvation.
Crow: And if he keeps repeating this, he might be able to believe it
someday.
Joel: <singing> Brother Gendo's, Brother Gendo's Evangelion Salvation
Show....
>For now, Shinji is your responsibility."
Tom: In double-speak, that means "Keep him. I don't want him."
Mike: <Gendo> So take care of him or you can't borrow the car
Saturday night!
Joel: Gendo passing responsibility for Shinji on to someone else...
deja vu much?
>"But Shinji's in danger," Long noted. Mobs were chanting,
>"Nuke Japan!" as they marched down Hong Kong, threw rocks into the
>windows of Japanese-owned businesses, and assaulted Japanese citizens.
Crow: <Gendo> Can't we all just get along?!?
Joel: So, the setting the whole time was Hong Kong? Wouldn't this
have been a good thing to bring up?
Tom: And ruin the simplicity of the military times? For shame.
"I don't care." Gendo hung up.
Mike: <Wonder Years VO> And when Gendo hung up on me, he hung
up on my life and feelings...
Crack! Shocked by the sound, Long ran into the room, dropping his
satellite phone.
Crow: Not to mention a load.
Tom: The Third Impact! Yes! Fry their asses!
>Shinji had thrown his computer against the floor, cracking the casing.
Long stared at the LCD. A record of his conversation was being decrypted
by the National Security Agency.
Mike: Shinji's a mole?
Joel: <Shinji> I'm an agent working for the Americans, Chinese Communists,
and NERV... Now you can too! Just sign up and you can get your degree in
being a double agent!
"You hacked into the NSA mainframe?" Long asked. Shinji
nodded. "Why?"
Tom: <Shinji> Well, it seemed a good idea at the time, I wanted to know
what Minneapolis, Minnesota was doing at this very time!
Crow: <Long> Save your energy, the Twins still suck.
Tom: <Shinji> D'oh!
"Father ordered me to be smart," Shinji answered. "I did this to prove
that I'm smart, to prove that I love him."
Joel: <Shinji> And he's such a great guy, I framed him for the whole mess!
Tom: <Long> Why didn't you build him a nuclear bomb then?
Crow: <Shinji> Good idea!
Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the hospital bed. "But Father doesn't love
me.
He doesn't care if I live or die."
Mike: Splish Splash.
Joel: <Shinji> Someone taking a bath?
Tom: So, ah... granted, this validates the prologue, but WHY
exactly is Shinji in Hong Kong anyway? Especially injured?
Crow: Mahjong? How should I know?
Long sighed. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I promise, I'll take care of you..."
Shinji reached into Long's coat and grabbed Long's 7.62 mm automatic.
Mike: <Long> N-no really! I-I-I p-promise to take VERY VERY good
care of y-you! Honest!
Shocked, Long stepped away. He taught Shinji marksmanship,
he knew the boy was a marksman.
Tom: He's even a mark for himself!
Crow: He taught Shinji bookmaking, he knew the boy was a bookmaker.
And most importantly, he taught the boy whining, he knew the boy was
a whiner.
"You only care if I'm useful to you!" Shinji screamed. "Should I care
if you live or die!?"
Tom: <Long> Damn straight! You should consider my life above
all others, including yours!
Joel: Shinji Ikari IS Sylvester Stallone AS Judge Dredd!
Mike: <Shinji> ADRIAN! Oh, oops... wrong line!
Long frowned. "That depends. Am I useful to you? Can I give you
what you want?"
Crow: <Shinji> Probably not, but if you try, you might find that
you can give me what I need.
Tom: <Shinji> I want a close-up, Mr. Long!
Shinji looked into Long's eyes, silently threatening. "Can you?" Long
nodded. "I want strength," Shinji demanded.
Mike: <Shinji> I want size. I want Nike shoes. And I want my own
critically-acclaimed sit-com.
Crow: <Long> What are you, Alex Rodriguez?
Joel: <Long, sighing> OK... I was planning on saving this, but... *Long
gives HP 10 potion to Shinji!* *Shinji's Strength and Vitality increased
by 7!*
"I can help you strengthen yourself."
Crow: <Long> They're called steroids and aside from breast growth, genital
shrinkage and mood swings, there's no side effects whatsoever!
Shinji pointed the gun at the ceiling. "Yes." He smiled. "I know you
will."
Mike: <Shinji> THIS oughta shut up those noisy neighbors upstairs!
Joel: <Shinji> Just let me shoot this fly first!
Present day. A second monitor showed the output of the
Eva's S^2 engine. 'Such power,' Long noted.
Crow: <Long> It's making me all hot and bothered... oh, I'm too close
to the exhaust. Oops.
Tom: <Long> Who would have guessed that those Super Nintendos
had the power after all!
'I will give China this power.' Behind him, the Eva wore the PLA
Air Force insignia.
Tom: Fear the awesome power of PLA!
Crow: Worship PLA at the church of your choice!
Mike: Only slightly more feared than the Judean People's Front, mostly for
their larger Crack Suicide Squad.
2150 hours. Rei stood before her apartment door, waiting for Shinji to
come home.
Mike: <Rei> You bring the vodka?
Joel: <Shinji> But I'm underage!
Mike: <Rei> Well, that didn't stop you from serving in the military
in Hong Kong!
'Is that what I want? A family?' She heard two sets of footsteps come
up the stairs.
Joel: <Rei> It's Lassie! What's that girl, Shinji's trapped in the well?
Crow: <Rei> Forget Shinji! This horse will do just fine! What's your
name, stud?
"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," Shinji sang.
Mike: <Shinji> Carry moonbeams home in a jar... Aww, shoot, that isn't
how it goes!
Tom: <Rei> Been visiting the topless kareoke bar, I see....
"Let me see what spring is like, on Jupiter and Mars," a female voice
sang with him.
Crow: Ahh.. so we're back to the SM cameo.
Mike: <Rei> Ow, dammit! You guys could at least try the SAME KEY!!
Shocked, Rei entered her apartment. Through a crack in the door, she
saw Shinji walk by, holding a young woman's hand.
Tom: This fic is all shocks, cracks, and noting!
Crow: <Shinji> And that's how you cross the street and walk
downstairs to a stranger's apartment! Do you understand?
Joel: <young woman> Yes, thank you, Mr. Shinji! I can't wait to grow
up so I can try it by myself!
Tom: NERV must've offered an "Elementary Eavesdropping" class and
everyone's felt the need to practice the lessons for the rest of time.
"In other words, hold my hand," they sang together. "In other words,
Darling, kiss me." They entered Shinji's apartment.
Crow: <Rei> "Dahling no baka!" *ZAP*
Joel: ...slamming the door into the eavesdropping Rei and promptly
rendering her unconscious.
Mike: <singing> Broke into the old apartment, this is where we used to
live...
Tom: <young woman> Why did you paint the walls? Why did you clean
the floor?
Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the floor. 'Is she the one Shinji wants to
spend
the rest of his life with?' Rei asked herself.
Joel: <Young woman> Hello, I'm the plumber. I heard you had a leaky faucet?
"Stay away from her!" Kodama ordered. "I won't let you separate me
>from the one I love!" Hikari screamed.
Crow: And yet another two random characters come out of the woodworks.
Mike: <Author> Oh, did I fail to tell you that the scene switched again?
Oops.
Tom: There's a seamless way to insert a brief flashback into a scene... and
then there's this.
"I'm trying to protect you!"
"I don't need your protection!"
Tom: <Kodama> Don't you remember the LAST SISTER who didn't accept
my 'protection'?
Crow: <Hikari> I don't need it. I'm already on the pill.
"Kodama-neechan! Hikari-neechan!" Nozomi called. "Please, stop
fighting!"
Kodama sighed. "I'm willing to forgive and forget your... mistake. Now,
forget about the Eva pilot." She pecked Nozomi's forehead.
"Good night, Nozomi-chan." She entered her bedroom, then closed the door.
Crow: On this scene, he said hopefully.
Tom: <Kodama> Now, back to the fighting!
Joel: <Hikari> I swear, I'll never forget the fabric softener again!
Nozomi approached Hikari. "I'm sorry," she cried. "I didn't mean to tell
Kodama-neechan." Hikari embraced the girl. "Don't be."
Mike: <Hikari> I want to blare it from the heavens. I SUCK MY THUMB
AND I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT!
2320 hours. Mubai stood in the staircase's shadow, watching the back
door open.
Crow: <Mubai> Damn, I could do this for DAYS! This is great!
Tom: <Mubai> Just you wait, stairs! One day I'm going to step out of
your shadow and then you'll see! They'll all see!
"Goodnight, Jiaolong." Shinji kissed his coworker.
'So warm.' Jiaolong closed her eyes and returned the kiss.
Mike: <Jiaolong> You left this kiss out on the counter, didn't you? What
did I tell you about health inspections?!?
Then Shinji stepped away. "It's late," Jiaolong noted. "Please stay
here. It's dangerous..."
Tom: <Shinji> Okay, but what are you going to do?
Crow: <Jiaolong> Run like hell. Seeya!
Shinji laughed. "I'm not in danger. I have friends." He patted his hip
holsters.
Joel: <Shinji> Not to mention acquaintances... <pats his vest>...
comrades...
<pats his ankles>... amigos... <pats his buttcheeks>...
Mike: When did this become a spaghetti western anyway?
Jiaolong sighed. "Be careful." She reluctantly released his hand.
Shinji
walked away.
Crow: ...forcing Rei to chase after him for an hour with a dog leash.
Tom: <Jiaolong> Hey! You still haven't paid your bar tab!
"Welcome home," Mubai greeted. Jiaolong sadly smiled. "Goodnight,
Uncle." She pecked Mubai's forehead.
Mike: Did we wander into a Chinese soap opera by mistake?
Crow: This whole scene is just kissing and good-byes!
Mubai watched Jiaolong enter her room. 'Can I trust Mark?'
He sighed. 'Jiaolong trusts Mark. For now, I must trust Jiaolong's
judgment.'
Tom: And to her eternal shame, Jiaolong left her door cracked... and the
whole cast of NGE was caught in the morning, red-faced and sweatdropping.
Crow: <Gendo> It was only practice!
****
"Err, excuse me," Dr. Forrester said as he stopped the film. "But where
do you think YOU'RE going, Jadeite? Is my lecture too boring for you?"
"Not at all, Pa'dner," Jadeite replied, spitting in a nearby spittoon.
"Hey, that was my hat!"
"I just reckon I need a bit of fresh air," Jadeite explained, "So feel free
to keep your little show going, Pa'dner."
"Oh, we'll wait for you," Dr. Forrester dryly said, "No reason to have
you escape the torture." He added to himself.
"Well thank you kindly, Pa'dner!" Jadeite exclaimed as he left the
room. Quietly closing the door behind him, he turned to make sure
nobody was watching him.
"Fools," He laughed, a maniacal grin appearing on his face. "Little
do they know their energy will soon be used to reform the Dark Kingdom
under MY leadership! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
<Voice Over> Shock! Treachery by Jadeite?
<Voice Over> Could he be on the verge of once again reforming the Dark
Kingdom?
<Voice Over> Is TV's Frank really saving on long distance?
<Voice Over> Will our conventioneers be able to make it out of Jadeite's
diabolical trap alive?
<Voice Over> Find out next part, same MST List, same MST time!
The FFML Refugee List
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Richard Beaubien Presents....
A Dot Every T Production....
"RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 3
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
MSTed by:
Ammadeau
Kaworu
Lerche
Megane 6.7
Richard Beaubien
SKJAM
Zoogz
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of
their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
"Relationships" was written by Sidewinder <aim9snake.hotmail.com>
and is used with his permission and our gratitude.
****
<Voice Over> Last time on MST3K, TV's Frank signed up for Long
Distance....
<Voice Over> And Dr. Forrester sampled some of the free spirits....
<Voice Over> But what's THIS? Jadeite up to some VILLAINRY?
<Voice Over> DRAINING energy to reform the Dark Kingdom? Our Brave
Heroes UNAWARE?
<Voice Over> HOW can they fight off this cliched plot Device? Find out
on this weeks episode of MST3K: Relationships!
(Dah dah, dah dah, dah dah, dah dah... MST-ING!)
"Mwahahahah!" Jadeite laughed evily as he placed the final crystal.
"Soon, I shall take all the despair from this room and use it to reform the
dark kingdom!"
"Mwahahahah!" Jadeite continued to laugh, ignoring the pair of truck
lights heading his way. "Finally, all of my work will come to fruition
and I shall be triumphant!"
"MWAHAHAHAH!!!" Jadeite's laugh grew, drowning out the honking
horn of the giant Ford monster truck which was just inches away from
running him over.
"Hmm, what's that?" Jadeite asked, just in time to catch a glance of the
tire of the monster truck before it collided with him. "OH SHI...!!!"
Jadeite
was all he was able to scream as his face impacted hard with the large
wheels of the truck.
"Hmm, I wonder what's keeping Jadeite?" Dr. Forrester asked from
inside the conference room.
"Uh-oh... I think he got run over by Minky Momo again," TV's Frank
replied as he peeked out of the door and grimaced at the mess.
"Whatever," Dr. Forrester shrugged. "Let's just start the MST again,
okay?"
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
0600 hours, Saturday. Ring, ring!
Mike: Shinji just loves that bell on his little girly bike.
Tom: Come on, who in their right mind gets up at six o'clock on a
SATURDAY?!
The doorbell awakened Asuka. 'If I ignore this idiot, this idiot will go
away,' she hoped. Ring, ring!
Joel: This fanfic blew a mint on the sound effects... I hear it was a
Junior
Mint.
Tom: Since when is 'ring' a doorbell sound? Even inanimate objects are
OOC in this fic!
"Asuka, please get the door." Misato tossed and turned in bed. "Asuka!"
Mike: <Cheech> Get the door, man!
Crow: <Chong> Answer the door!
Tom: Asuka could not reply as Misato had rolled over right onto her and
was currently being smothered to death.
"I'll get it, I'll get it." 'I'm going to knock off this idiot's head,'
Asuka
swore,
approaching the door. "Who's there!?" she barked.
Mike: Asuka, there's a little thing called a peephole. Used to keep
guntoting
maniacs out. I suggest you use it.
Tom: Keeps Shinji out, keeps freshness in... it's all new DOOR!
Crow: <Salesman> I'M GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO BRING YOU THIS
INCREDIBLE OFFER!!!!
All: <Asuka al Pee Wee Herman> AHHHHHHH!!! SALESMAN!
"Asuka..." Hikari seemed delicate and fragile, without her typical
strength
and determination. Asuka's anger evaporated when she saw Hikari's tears.
"Can I stay here? Only for a few days. I promise, I..."
Mike: <Hikari> ...don't eat much, and I'll bring my own toothbrush!
Tom: <Asuka> And your snoring?
Mike: <Hikari> I'll shove cottonballs up my nose!
Tom: <Asuka> All right, but you'd better be gone by nine tomorrow!
"Come in." Hikari smiled her thanks. "What happened?" Asuka asked.
"Kodama... she knows. She..." Hikari cried on Asuka's shoulder. "She
said I was embarrassing our family! She said you were a..."
Tom: <Hikari> ...You were a... a...
Joel: <Asuka> What, what?!
Tom: <Hikari> A... a... a not very nice sort of person! WAHHHHHH!!!
Crow: I think Shinji sucked up all the backbone in this fic by creating a
total vacuum, and that made all the other characters total wusses.
Asuka silenced her with a kiss. "I don't care about what she says."
"Oh, Asuka-chan!"
Joel: Though with Asuka's lips mashed against hers it came out as
"Mhpehhmph!"
Crow: <Hikari> Let's leave this place right now!
Mike: <Asuka> No. Let's wait for tomorrow... 'cause tomorrow's another
day!
Crow: <Hikari> I knew she was gonna say that...
Tom: And another conflict of anguish and torment is solved in two seconds.
Through a crack in her bedroom door, Misato saw Asuka embrace the other
girl. She decided to let Asuka be. The girl deserved a respite from her
responsibilities.
Crow: <Misato> But after lunch time, I'll be teasing them like there's no
tomorrow! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Tom: So she ran and got her camcorder back from Rei to add to the Asuka
lesbian video! Soon to be on sale at your local sleazy video store.
"Misato, can Hikari stay with us?" Asuka asked.
Misato smiled. "Of course."
Joel: <Misato> It's $750 rent per week, including utilities...
Mike: <Misato> Sure, babe. Hey Asuka, check the closet for the ropes!
We finally have a good use for 'em...
"EVANGELION PILOT BERSERK" the headline screamed. "Dr. Mizuno
has attempted to access Pilot Ikari's personal history.
Tom: <Headline> However, when she started reading this story, she
gave up halfway through and is now making ass-backwards guesses to
his origin.
Crow: <Mizuno> Let's see here... born on the planet Kypton... power
beyond mortal man....
However, NERV officials refused, citing several security protocols.
Dr. Mizuno suspects a 'conspiracy of shame' that is concealing possible
evidence of child abuse..."
Joel: <Mizuno> I tried the records in Hong Kong where he stayed for a
time, but they were too wet to read.
Crow: In fact, moments after this article went to press, all of our paper
mills
were destroyed and our staff executed so there's NO conspiracy happening
here! None whatsoever!
Mike: Actually, this would be LESS confusing as an episode as 'X-Files'.
Ritsuko sighed, putting down the newspaper. The psychologist's judgment
was flawed, because she didn't see through the illusory insanity that
Shinji
used as weapons.
Mike: How could he have missed the two silenced, laser sight,
compensation pistols Shinji carries everywhere?
Crow: <Ritsuko> Doesn't she see that every time Shinji shoots to kill, he's
just kidding?
Tom: <Ritsuko> It's the shoe! He's been used like an old shoe! Damn those
hack writers for not seeing it sooner!
Ritsuko's own judgment was flawed, because she didn't see
through the illusory sanity that Shinji used as camouflage.
Joel: So the diagnosis of "CRAZY" and the diagnosis of "SANE" are
because of the same reason?
Crow: Huh? The reader was flawed because he couldn't make sense
of this bullhucky.
The boy's mental defenses were impenetrable.
Mike: Except to the readers, who could all tell he was just another
god-boy avatar.
Joel: But tickle him with a feather and he's putty in your hands.
But Ritsuko knew what laid behind the defenses. Shinji lowered them
for one moment, after he defeated the 3rd Angel.
Crow: We all know what's behind those defenses.... It's DJ Croft!
Tom: <Ritsuko> Hey, I got me a medical degree in my box of Frosted
Mini-Wheats!
Shocked by his own brutality, Shinji cried, "I'm a monster, I'm a
monster..."
Mike: And everyone chanted in unison: Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Crow: And yet another change in scene happens mid-paragraph, leaving
the reader holding the bag and scratching their head.
That night, Ritsuko embraced the boy, saying, "You're not a monster."
Shinji cried on her shoulder. For one moment, Ritsuko felt like a mother.
Joel: The next moment, Ritsuko felt like a feather pillow.
Tom: <Ritsuko, whispering)> Maya, get the gun.
She wanted to feel like that again. She wanted to bear children with the
one she loved, and together, to watch their children grow up.
Joel: But Gendo had a headache that night.
But children shouldn't live with fear and pain. Ritsuko must help Gendo
complete the Completion of Man Project. She must let Shinji, and his
future siblings, live without fear and pain.
Mike: She's getting delirious... she's repeating herself.
Tom: That would imply she was making sense in the first place though.
Mike: Good point.
She didn't see through Gendo's lies. She didn't know the Project's true
goal.
Crow: She was doing it all for the nookie.
Mike: With Gendo? She MUST be delirious.
Tom: <Gendo> Hahaha, I've kept you all in the dark! I wanted government
funding and lots of it! Seeya suckers, I'm going to Switzerland!
0950 hours. "Welcome to Little Canton," Jiaolong greeted. "May I take
your order?"
Crow: <customer> I'd like a double helping of plot with a side order of
setting, to go.
Tom: <Jiaolong> Sorry, we don't know how to make either.
"Negative," Rei answered. "I came to talk."
Jiaolong was suspicious. "What do you want?"
Joel: <Rei> Tell me, am I Rei from NGE or Rei from SM? We still
don't know!
Crow: <Jiaolong> Actually, you're the Rei from UY. Go find Lum and Ran!
"Mark Lee," Rei answered. She knew about Shinji's fake ID.
Jiaolong's eyes widened. "You look just like him! You're his cousin,
right?"
Joel: <Rei> Actually, according to the author, I'm Shinji's dad.
Mike: <Jiaolong> Grody to the max! Does that make Gendo your mother?
Crow: <Rei> No, but I'm fixin' to make Shinji his own grandpa.
Tom: ... that means that Shinji is actually 21 in this? I call an official
no
way.
Joel: Sorry, we've already logged enough protests to make three
separate appendixes. You'll have to make an index.
Rei blinked her surprise. "I..."
Jiaolong's suspicion evaporated. "Have a seat!" She pointed at a chair.
"Uncle, this is..."
Mike: <Jiaolong> ...a chair thief! Hey, come back here with our furniture!
Crow: <Jiaolong> ... probably the most confusing NGE fic of all time!
What the heck is going on now?
"Ayanami Rei," the pilot finished.
"Mark's cousin!" Jiaolong smiled.
Tom: Is there ANYBODY who isn't a cousin to someone in this fanfic?
Crow: So that makes Rei Shinji's cousin, dad, and half his mom?
Joel: And he's still macking onto her? Man, that psychologist needs his
head examined.
Mubai approached the table. "Mark has Japanese relatives?"
"He's from Hong Kong," Jiaolong noted. "A mosaic of different cultures."
Crow: Yeah, like the sharks, the whales, the sailfish...
"Why must he work here?" Mubai asked. "Why won't his relatives support
him? Did they disinherit his parents?"
Joel: Well, if he's 21 in this, why wouldn't he be working? Be consistent
story! Please!
Mubai remembered the race riots. Mobs chanted, "Kill all chinks!" as
they marched down Tokyo-2, threw rocks into the windows of Chinese-owned
businesses, and assaulted Chinese immigrants.
Crow: Okay, I KNOW I've read this stuff before....
Mike: Amazing what a search-and-replace can do.
Tom: That's a sudden turn of events... and also ignores the fact that the
same thing would have happened to Japanese 'Mark' in Hong Kong on PLA.
"Dear God," Jiaolong cried. "Now I know why Mark refuses to talk
about his family."
Joel: ... we do? When did we find this out?
Crow: <Jiaolong> Look at this piece of tape placed carefully and tightly
over Mark's mouth! It's little wonder he's been silent for so long!
She turned away. "I had a classmate, who was an Englishman's
illegitimate child. She had no friends... she unworthy of friendship.
One day, she slashed her own wrists."
Tom: And from that day on, she had to beat people away with a stick!
Mike: <Friends> Wow! Look at all that blood! And the scars! Let us
see! Come on, we'll be your best friend!
>Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the table.
Tom: Speaking of recycled lines...
Crow: That table must be pretty waterlogged by now.
Joel: Hmm, Clapton was right. Tears from heaven.
"At her funeral, I kept thinking, 'If I had befriended her, she would not
have been alone... she would not have been suicidal.'
Crow: She would have been SLAP HAPPY SAPPY!!!
I hated myself, because I didn't." Jiaolong looked into Rei's eyes.
"I must not let this happen to Mark. I must let him know... someone
loves him."
Mike: <Rei> So let him go, that's the best way to show you love him!
"Good morning, Mr. Li," Shinji greeted.
"Mark!" Jiaolong embraced the boy. "Thank God, you're okay!"
Tom: ... didn't he just leave? I'm starting to think the story is trying
to
confuse me on purpose now.
Shinji blushed. "Jiaolong..."
"Goodbye... Mark," Rei whispered. She cried as she left the restaurant.
Tom: <Rei> S-So much for s-s-serving it my way... *sob*....
Joel: Drip drip.
Mike: And this was the tragic event which started the clone riots of 2015.
0000 hours, Sunday. Hikari writhed and moaned under Toji's body.
Crow: <Toji> Nope, you still aren't doing anything for me... maybe you
should be on top?
Mike: Why Asuka like to dangle him from the ceiling.. the world may
never know.
Crow: Nah, it's really Kensuke in a bad wig.
The young man smiled. He was the perfect lover, knowing where to
touch her, and how to touch her.
Tom: That Rei clone was expensive, but it paid off in the end!
Mike: <Author> And for three brief shining seconds, Toji will be my
self-insert avatar!
Joel: <Toji> Can I... hit you up for a $20 now?
"Yes, right there..." Hikari gasped. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!"
Tom: Yes, yes, sell the petroleum. Put it all in blue chips!
Mike: He's imitating a bit from Tron now?
"Do you love me?" Toji asked.
Hikari kissed him. "I love you, Shin-chan..." Toji leapt off the bed.
Mike: <Toji> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?
Crow: <Hikari> This? Oh, I'm a hermaphrodite. You didn't know?
Mike: <Toji> So YOU'RE the lover of Artemis?!
Tom: <Hikari> ...Just don't tell Felicia!
Joel: Or Artemis, Or Fifi, Or Lola, or....
Hikari sensed his rage. "What's wrong, Shin-chan?" she asked.
"I am not Shinji!" Toji waved his fist at her.
Crow: <Hikari> Well, you're certainly acting like him.
Mike: <Toji> I am not a psycho gunner! I am a human being!
Joel: <Hikari> But I know that toothpick anywhere!
Tom: Give 'em the lumber, Razor Toji!
Hikari cried. "I'm sorry, Shinji..."
Toji grabbed Hikari's hand. "Are you listening to me!? I am not..."
Joel: <Toji> ...Spock!
Then he saw his reflection in Hikari's eyes. The jaw was round,
not square. The eyes were blue, not brown. The face was Shinji's, not
Toji's. "Noooo!"
Mike: <Toji> Must...resist...compulsion...to...read..."Soldier of
Fortune"...
Tom: But for Toji, this is an upgrade. He's gone from being the one-armed,
one-legged man to just the one-armed man.
0010 hours. "Noooo!" Toji awakened with a start. He ran into the
restroom to see his reflection. The face was Toji's, not Shinji's.
Joel: But his body was definitely Asuka's
Crow: <Toji> Damn it! I was almost blemish free!
Tom: <Toji> I was just getting used to getting the girls too!
"Son, are you all right!?" his father asked.
"I'm fine," Toji answered. "It was a bad dream."
Mike: Actually, I wouldn't characterize getting some when you usually
don't a "bad" dream...
Crow: <Father> Then come back to bed, snuggle-bunny!
Joel: Ick ick ick....
He turned on the faucet to wash away his tears. "Damn you, Shinji..."
Tom: And the one place where "drip drip" would truly apply, a bathroom
faucet, it's not used.
Mike: <Toji> It's all your fault that Hikari is a lesbian!
Crow: Those high heels hurt, damnit!
0730 hours, Monday. Ring, ring! Misato answered the door.
Joel: Try answering the phone, you might have better luck.
Mike: The author must have a very limited sound effects budget.
Joel: I counted three total myself.
"Good morning, Miss. I am Horaki Kodama." The young woman
bowed. "Is my sister here?"
Crow: <Misato> Just a sec, let me untangle her from Asuka.
Tom: ...ARRRRRRGHHH!!! Not ANOTHER character?!? I have
enough trouble figuring out the Shinji/Marky Mark thing.
Joel: <Misato> Nope, you're the one character in this fanfic that actually
isn't related to someone. Hard to believe, isn't it?
"Yes," Misato answered. "Would you like to come in?"
"Yes, thank you."
Joel: Ring Ring!
Mike: <Misato> One of these days, I've REALLY got to rip that store
bell off the top of the door....
Tom: <Author> This "Dialogue with Five Easy Words" book works wonders!
"Misato, who's at the door?" Asuka entered the living room.
"Hello, Kodama."
"Good morning, Ms. Langley," Kodama snarled.
Crow: Down bitch!
Joel: <Misato> Don't mind her, she's a bear in the morning.
"Tell her to leave me alone!" Hikari screamed from the kitchen.
Misato sighed. "Asuka, please entertain Ms. Horaki. I'm going to have a
word with Hikari." She entered the kitchen.
Mike: <Misato> Shaddup!
Crow: And Asuka follows Misato, not knowing what Horaki to
entertain but knowing exactly how to 'entertain' Hikari.
"This way, please." Asuka seated Kodama on the sofa, then sat herself on
an easy chair, facing Kodama. "I'm sorry about what happened. I never
meant to divide your family."
Tom: And in another patented two-second resolution, Kodama will
completely forgive her!
Crow: <Kodama> Whore! Slut! Homewrecker!
Mike: <Asuka> OK, maybe I did mean it! Bitch!
Tom: Heh heh, or maybe not....
"Nevertheless, you have done so." Kodama looked into Asuka's eyes.
"What do you want from my sister? Fun and games?"
Joel: <Asuka> A little "Twister", playing "Doctor"... sure!
Crow: <Asuka> Sex, duh. Do I need to draw you a picture?
Asuka tried not to cry. "Trust. Security. The peace that comes when
you're in your friend's arms, when you know you're safe."
Joel: Drip drip!
Tom: <Asuka> Even though I did absolutely nothing to suggest I
was interested in her before she confessed her love to me.
Crow: <Kodama> Okay... what does that have to do with SEX then?!
Mike: <Asuka> Safer without clothes. It... reduces the risk of fire!
"So, the heroic Eva pilot feels insecure." Kodama clenched her fist.
"Why do you feel insecure? You're a hero, a role-model." 'A whore,'
she didn't add. "You have the world's attention and adoration. Why?"
Joel: <Asuka> Umm... I forgot my Depends....
Tom: <Asuka> Massive bribes and a PR campaign to shame the GM Saturn!
"When your mother died, what did you feel?" Asuka asked.
"Loneliness? Insecurity? Fear and rage?" Kodama frowned.
Mike: <Kodama> None of your damn business, Ms. Nosy!
"When my mother died, I asked God, 'Why?' God ignored me. So I
raged against him, and against every one of his creations. Including
myself."
Tom: <God> Nag, nag, nag, YOU try creating the world in six days and
see how much energy YOU have left!
Mike: <Kodama> It could have had something to do with the fact I'm
Buddhist...
Asuka sighed. "I'm tired of rage. I..."
Crow: <Kodama> Yeah, their stuff got way too political after the first
album.
"Want to be loved?" Kodama asked. Asuka nodded.
Joel: <Harvey Fierstein> I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?
"So did I," Hikari added. She entered the living room and sat on the
other
easy chair, facing Kodama. "So did you, when you had an affair with your
English teacher."
Mike: <Kodama> But Na-chan was just too dreamy to resist! Then he got
hit by a truck.
Crow: <Hikari> Ugh, don't remind me! To this day, I can still hear
her correcting the grammar of my moans and gasps in my nightmares.
Kodama sighed. "James... was a mistake. I was young and foolish. So are
you." She looked into her sister's eyes. "Hikari, please come home.
Don't
make the same mistake I made."
Joel: <Hikari> But I got this giant eraser and I've been dying to give it a
test rub!
Tom: <Hikari> It's not the same. She's teaching me how to moan in German.
"I..." Hikari stopped. 'Can I trust her?'
"Kodama is right," Asuka said. Kodama's and Hikari's eyes widened.
Mike: <Kodama> I am?
"Go home. Don't sacrifice your relationship with your family. Don't..."
Crow: <Asuka> Yes, I want to try out Kodama for a while now.
Mike: <Asuka> Don't ever rip off those 'do not remove' tags on
furniture! Don't take any wooden nickels! Don't let the door slap
you on the ass on your way out!
Drip, drip. Tears fell onto Asuka's dress.
Joel: Man, this fanfic makes me want to go to the bathroom....
Tom: If this leak gets any worse, my hard drive will be floating!
Mike: The onion budget on this show must be enormous!
Crow: It's no wonder Hong Kong's underwater, they just shipped the
entire cast for a vacation there!
"I'm sorry. I envy you, Hikari. I envy your relationship with your
family.
When I see you with your family, I wish..."
Tom: <Asuka> I wish I knew what the hell happened to my dad in the series!
Anno, what's the deal with my pop?!
Joel: <Asuka> I wish... I wish my father wasn't a crazy doll-maker who
whittled
a piece of wood into a blender and insisted I call it "my brother Hans"!
Hikari put her hand on Asuka's shoulder. "You don't have to be envious.
I
accept you as a member of our family. Nozomi accepts you. Kodama..."
Mike: <Hikari> ...well, she'll be dancing on your grave, but every family's
got one! I swear!
Crow: This fic has more pause than a Ronald Reagan speech.
Tom: Touch of Satan 3: This time, its an Angel.
"I will not accept this!" Kodama screamed. She left Misato's condo.
"Damn!" Misato turned towards Hikari.
Joel: <Misato> I thought she was hot!
Tom: <Misato> This is all your fault, Hikari! You weren't trying hard
enough!
Crow: <Misato> Look at that rear waggle on out! You sure she's a bigot?
"Hikari, please take care of Asuka. I'm going to have a word with your
sister."
She followed Kodama out the door.
Mike: <Misato> Coffee? Please? Call me?
Tom: <announcer VO> And with that, another wild Kodoma is released
into the forest...
Crow: <Hikari> I'll put a contract out on her. Hmm, Shinji ought to be
perfect
for the job....
"I will." Hikari embraced her friend, who cried on her shoulder.
Joel: Drip. Drip.
Crow: It's the Chinese Water Torture of fics!
Mike: I think a 'splash splash' would work better here myself....
0750 hours. "Ms. Horaki!" Misato called. Kodama ignored her. "Why
won't you forgive Asuka?
Joel: So, considering all the times that a scene was changed mid-stream,
the author's cutting to the exact same action that was just described?
Tom: <Kodama> 'Cause I'm the wind, baby!
Because you fear disgracing your family name? Are you
fearful enough to crucify your sister upon your family name?"
Joel: Questions! Questions! Questions! We need ANSWERS!
ANSWERS!! ANSWERS!!!
Crow: Misato, secret member of the Spanish Inquisition.
Mike: <Kodama> Well, Dad would whip her into submission, but it
turned out that she enjoyed it just a LITTLE too much.
Kodama turned towards Misato. "You don't know the importance of
family."
"I know it can destroy a human life." Misato answered.
Tom: Yeah, tell that to the girl that keeps a penguin as remembrance of her
father that passed in Antarctica...
Crow: Pen-Pen was too smart to stay in this fic. He got a walk on role on
Ebichu.
Mike: <Misato> I mean, look at Shinji! You want Hikari turning out like
THAT?!
Joel: <Kodama> Want some rejection to go with that pessimism, Misato?
"I know it has led parents to kill their children, and brothers to kill
their
sisters. I know why lovers still brave such dangers in order to be
together."
Mike: <Misato> And most importantly, I know what you did last summer!!
Crow: <Kodama> Cry me a river... drip, drip.
"That's not love!" Kodama clenched her fist. "I thought it was love. I
was wrong."
Joel: ... so Kodama was in love with Asuka too? That actually explains a
few things.
Mike: So, ah... other than a categorical approval of lesbianism and a
completely OOC treatment of Shinji's character... what does this fic have
to do with Neon Genesis Evangelion? I mean, are there any angels who
could swoop down and kill off this terminal soap opera?
Crow: It's the all-gay production of Romeo and Juliet!
Misato sensed the young woman's vulnerability. "You were pregnant," she
guessed. "Your lover refused to accept his responsibility. So you had an
abortion."
Crow: <Misato> And how did I know? Your doctor's office door was
CRACKED! HAHAHAHAHA!!
Mike: <Misato> Kaji told me about this tramp he knocked up... uhhh, I
mean,
just a lucky guess!
Tom: <Kodama> Um no, would it be bad if I just said that I don't think
lesbianism is natural? Hmmm? Aren't I entitled to my OWN point of view
and my single lonely voice of devil's advocate?
Kodama sighed. "Yes. James abandoned me in my time of need. So I..."
Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the floor.
Crow: I'd even settle for blood, really! Anything other than tears!
Mike: <Misato> Oh God, let me guess... he showed up with what
turned out to be a fake ID and claimed he was from Hong Kong?
Joel: Lesson here is to never trust a member of Team Rocket.
Misato looked into Kodama's eyes. "You must forgive yourself, or this
rage
will destroy your family."
Tom: This fic should have been called 'Repetitons' not 'Relationships'!
"I never meant to hurt Hikari. I wanted to protect her from betrayal."
Tom: Two second resolutions! Get em while they're piping hot!
Mike: <Kodama> That's why I wanted to rip her out of the arms of
the woman she loves! So she won't be hurt by anyone else but me!
Joel: <Kodama, singing> Cause IIIIIIIIIIIII... WILL ALWAYS...
LOVE YOU....
"You fear trust. Trust makes you vulnerable to betrayal." Misato sighed.
"I understand. Like you, I've been betrayed by someone I loved."
Crow: Well, at least that explains the absence of Kaji, but not why Toji
has
all his limbs. Continuity!
Joel: I'd settle for 'Plausibility' at this point.
Mike: So, ah... anyone missing the other story with "Psycho Gunner"
and his killer mojo?
Tom: Can't we just let Tom Dyon onto the set to unload a can of whoop-ass
on everyone?
Crow: Anybody got the number of a plumber?
"I envy them," Kodama cried. "They dare to trust, to love. They don't
fear lies or loneliness, because they have each other. I have no one."
Tom: <Kodama> They dare to... <singing> Dream, the impossible dream...
Mike: <Kodama> Go drip drip to mama, you little wussy!
Joel: Well, we've had plenty of tears, how about some laughter?
Tom: This is going where I think its going, isn't it? Can't we have just
one IC
relationship?
Crow: We can always hope.
"You don't have to be afraid." Misato put her hand on Kodama's shoulder.
"I learned to trust again. You can, too. We can help you."
Joel: <Misato> Just a second, let's set you up with this GREAT psychologist
I know of, her name's Ritsuko...
Mike: <Misato> In fact, there's this guy that's been dying to meet you!
His
name's Bill Cortner and he's looking for a beautiful body for his
girlfriend.
Crow: <Misato> I'll put on a big stack of KD Lang albums.
Tom: <Misato> And then we can pop in the Ellen Degeneres marathon!
Kodama put her hand on Misato's. "Thank you."
Crow: Misato's what I wonder...
Joel: Looks like the first step out of twelve has been reached.
Tom: Along with first base.
"Shinji, did you spend the weekend with Hikari?" Toji asked.
Shinji blinked his surprise. "No. Why did you ask?"
Tom: <Toji> I need to figure out if it was a dream sequence or another
peeping thing. Hard to tell in this fic.
Crow: Heh, considering all the doors that have remained cracked, the plot's
just a step behind.
Joel: It's either that or water damage on the space-time continuum.
"I went to visit Hikari on Saturday afternoon. Her sister said she wasn't
home. Then she bitched about the Eva pilot who perverted her sister."
Mike: <Toji> Curse you Rei!
Tom: Perverted? Sounds like some kind of hentai disease.
Crow: <Happosai> I'm not a pervert! I've merely been perverted!
"Toji, I sold the bed to make room for the piano."
Joel: Isn't that a Kenny Rogers tune?
"She must have spent the weekend with Asuka," Kensuke guessed. "And
Misato. Shinji-kun, did they ask you to join their lesbian orgy?"
Tom: ... so Shinji is a woman now?! I'm so confused!
Mike: <Shinji> Yeah, but I drew the line at getting the surgery.
Crow: <Shinji> Naw, they told me that they hated hot dogs in their buns.
Shinji chuckled as Toji slapped Kensuke.
Tom: <Shinji> He never saw it coming, what a maroon!
Mike: Wait a minute... sexually active underaged uberkids... is this a
Ratliff fic?
1150 hours. 'I've never seen it before.' Rei remembered
Friday night.
'The hunger in his eyes.
Joel: Er, which Friday night would that be? It's been about 3
weeks now, hasn't it?
Tom: No, it's just FELT like three weeks. In actuality, it's been
about five days.
Crow: Feels like a whole year has passed since this fic has
started for me.
Ikari-kun needs her. Does he need me?'
Mike: Find out tonight on the LOVE CONNECTION!
Joel: <Rei> I want YOU to want ME!
Crow and Tom: <imitate the sound of an electric guitar>
"Rei-chan!" Minako put her hand on Rei's shoulder. 'Rei's trembling.
What happened to her?' "Are you okay?"
Crow: Yay! The Senshi are back! People who actually make sense!
Tom: I think the author just accidentally changed the station on us here.
Mike: Fifty-seven channels and nothing on...
Rei turned towards Minako. "I've met her."
"Who?"
Tom <Rei> No, What. Who's on first.
Joel: <Minako> Don't even think about it.
Crow: <Rei> Umm... center field?
"The woman Ikari-kun wants to spend the rest of his life with."
"Don't worry!" Minako assured. "Shinji-kun loves you, everyone
knows that!"
Mike: <Minako> Just ask all the other delusional girls around here!
Crow: <Minako> He yells out your name every time we're in the sack!
"Ikari-kun does not want to have sex with me," Rei said. Minako blinked
her surprise. "He wants to have sex with her.
Tom: <Rei> Just because I insisted he wear his little rubber raincoat...
Crow: <Minako> Last I heard he wanted to have sex with anything young,
female and with a steady pulse!
He wants to have children with her, and to watch their children grow up.
He wants..."
Mike: <Rei> A stable IRA, with a Roth account and a money market fund
for a good retirement!
Crow: ...a shrubbery?
Rei cried on Minako's shoulder. "I'm sorry."
Minako sighed. "Don't be."
Tom: Anyone get the feeling that Soun would be a natural fit in this fic?
Joel: Natch.
1600 hours. "Hikari, where were you this weekend?" Toji asked.
Tom: <Hikari> Trying to figure out if slot A fits into slot B. You?
Mike: <Hikari> Sleeping it off.
Crow: <Hikari> Making gravy the hard way, if you know what I
mean. *nudge, nudge*
Joel: <Toji> You got a job in a gravy factory?
Crow: <Hikari> Ahh....
"At Asuka's house," the girl answered. "I had an argument with my
older sister, so I left home."
Mike: To be perfectly accurate, isn't it Misato's pad?
Crow: Asuka has her own house now? Guess she's demanding kickbacks
for piloting now.
Toji sighed his relief. "I'm sorry. I thought you spent the weekend with
Shinji. When you said you were attracted to someone else, I..."
Joel: <Toji> ...snapped harder than Shinji with a new Uzi.
Mike: <Toji> stabbed myself repeatedly in the groin with a pen to forget.
Boy,
that's ONE mistake I'll never make again!
Tom: <Hikari> That doesn't change the fact that I'm attracted to someone
else though.
Crow: <Toji> Yeah, but it's more fun to watch you and Asuka.
"I understand."
"Who's the lucky man?"
"Asuka," Hikari answered.
Crow: <Toji> She's a man? I could've sworn I got a good peek when she
first arrived.
Toji's eyes widened. "I don't want it to be a secret anymore. Asuka and
I
are in love." She walked away.
"Goodbye, Toji-kun."
Joel: <singing> I don't know why I said hello, you said good-bye!
Crow: <Toji> Err, I see you everyday. I sit behind you in school.
Tom: <Hikari> Oh, yeah.
"Hey, Toji!" Shinji called. "Aren't you going to bring Yuki home?"
Mike: <Shinji> I got more yellow roses to give 'er!
"Ikari-kun," Rei called. "May I have a word with you?"
Joel: <Rei> The word is apple.
Tom: Ding!
"Sure!" Shinji turned towards Toji. "I'll meet you at your house, okay?"
He followed Rei out the door.
Joel: Where the heck are they anyway? School? Geo-front? Las Vegas?
Tom: More importantly, where does that door lead?
Mike: Even more importantly, did they remember to leave it cracked
open so that all important conversations can be witnessed and heard?
Crow: Oh, I'm sure some unnamed person is already in the room
with them to overhear.
Toji sighed. "At least Shinji has found true love."
Tom: With his mom.
Mike: Yep, every time he looks in the mirror.
Joel: <Toji> Oh drip, drip, sad, sad....
Crow: And poor Toji continues to look for true love in several wrong
places.
1605 hours. "What's on your mind, Rei, baby?"
"What do you see when you see me?" Rei asked. "A mother? A
daughter? A sister? A wife?"
Mike: <Shinji> How about a never-ending source of questions!?! I'm not
John Agar, dammit, I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!!!
Crow: <Shinji> How about a cook for starters? I'm starved!
Shinji sighed. "When I was at the Army Academy, a friend invited me to
dinner. At his house, he introduced his parents and his younger sister
Tom: <Shinji> Ever since then, I've been on the run, refusing to pay
child support.
Crow: <Shinji> Then this weird voice-over started criticizing us for bad
table
manners and annoying our parents.
I saw how protective his mother was of him, and how supportive his father
was of him. In turn, my friend was protective and supportive of his
sister.
Crow: <Shinji> It's too bad they all drowned...
Joel: <Shinji> That's when I pulled out my pistols and slaughtered them
all in a poor imitation of the Kenshin manga!
I wanted to be a part of his family. I wanted someone to protect and
support
me, and..." He put his hand on Rei's shoulder.
Tom: <Shinji> Stay standing, I need to lean on you.
Mike: <Shinji> That's why I married his sister. So get lost.
"I guess I see you as a sister. Someone I can protect and support.
Someone who trusts me."
Joel: <Rei> But I don't trust you, and you have never done anything to
protect or support me!
Crow: <Shinji> Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick....
Rei put her hand on Shinji's. "Thank you." She smiled.
Tom: Wow, does THIS look familiar?
Mike: <Rei> Even though earlier I wanted your hot lovin' I guess the author
forgot that already.
"I'm going to buy Yuki a present. Can you help me find something she'd
like?" Shinji asked.
Crow: <Rei> Umm... try yellow roses! They always work for me.
"Affirmative." Minako watched the pilots leave. 'A brother. Someone she
can trust.' The girl smiled. 'I guess Rei-chan has found a kind of
love.'
Crow: A... Brother Love....
Tom: <Shinji> I... LUV... YEWWWW!!
Mike: <Rei> But I wanted steam and fireworks, dammit!
"You told Toji?" Asuka asked.
"Yes," Hikari answered. "I don't want it to be a secret anymore."
Mike: <Asuka> Would have be nice if you asked me first. I mean, it does
affect me and all.
Tom: <Hikari> Whatever.
Asuka put her hand on Hikari's shoulder. "Thanks. I was tired of keeping
this secret." She smiled. "Want to go shopping?"
Crow: <Asuka> We can get matching butt tattoos!
Mike: <Hikari> Actually, could you keep squeezing my shoulder? I've had
this tension there for a while now....
Joel: Ficscrafters. Plot resolutions in about a sentence.
>"Sure..." Hikari stopped when she saw Kodama and Misato.
>"Good afternoon, Hikari-chan." Kodama bowed to her sister.
>"Ms. Langley."
>She bowed to the pilot.
Tom: <Misato> Aren't frontal lobotomies just WONDERFUL?
Joel: Man, Kodama has got to feel bad about her earlier rant now
that she's hooked up with Misato.
Mike: Of course, in the natural succession of things, lesbian
relationships will prove to be what the universe is striving to
evolve humans for...
Crow: Ah yes, the Howard Stern Guide to Evolution.
"What do you want!?" Hikari barked.
Kodama sighed. "I came to apologize." She looked into her sister's eyes.
Mike: <Kodama> Oh my god, she's POSSESSED! I must SEAL the
EEEEEEVIL!!
Joel: <Misato> Here, use my Ziploc Bag!
Crow: <Kodama> I never realized how lovely you are! Come to daddy!
Tom: <Hikari> Get away from me, sicko!
"I'm sorry, Hikari-chan. I thought I was protecting you. But you didn't
need protection from Asuka. You needed protection from myself."
Joel: <Asuka> And don't forget my Shinji insurance!
Tom: <Hikari> Umm, we're both girls so we don't really need any
protection.
Hikari blinked her surprise. "Sis, I..."
"Forgive her," Asuka said to Hikari. "Your relationship is too precious
to..."
Asuka walked away, hiding her tears.
Joel: Everyone together! Drip. Drip.
Mike: No, she's hiding the tears. It's probably more like splat, splat now.
Crow: Laugh, and the world laughs with you... cry, and you get a crummy
sound effect.
"Ms. Langley." Kodama put her hand on the pilot's shoulder.
"I am sorry.
I was wrong." She sighed. "I will accept you as a part of our family."
Tom: And what will Mr. Horaki, the Pat Buchanan clone, say about THIS?
Joel: Say it with feeling! Let's hear those drips of authenticity!
Asuka's eyes widened. "You..."
"I can learn to trust you," Kodama said.
Crow: <Asuka> Oh, good. I'm dumping your sister for a piece of Maya now.
Mike: I think Asuka is the one with the aura of smooth in this fic. Her
own
house, two sisters eating out of her hand...
"Thank you." Asuka embraced her.
'Langley is not a whore,' Kodama noted. 'She is... like myself.'
Tom: So just a run-of-the-mill slut, eh?
Crow: OK, we finally have confirmed lesbianism from Kodama. Now
we just need a statement from Misato.
Mike: <Kodama> And I'll be damned if I call myself a whore!
Joel: Can't imagine she'd be against it, she's hosting it all!
The young woman returned the embrace.
Misato smiled as the girls resolved their conflicts.
Mike: <Misato> Things really wrapped up nicely... *checks watch* Much
quicker than usual.
Joel: All we need now is the heartfelt music touching family moment
with studio applause.
1620 hours. "Welcome home." Kodama opened the door for Hikari.
"Bye, Hikari-chan!" Asuka walked away.
Joel: What, no emotion-soaked "Tadaima!" drip drip?
Crow: Must have finally fixed that leak.
"Ms. Langley," Kodama called. The pilot stopped. "Would you like to join
us at dinner?"
Tom: <Kodama> Dad scheduled something called an "intervention" and
specifically said that you and my sister should be present.
Mike: Don't do it, Asuka! It's a trap!
Asuka smiled her thanks. "Yes. I'd be honored."
"Sis!" Nozomi ran towards Hikari. "I missed you!"
Crow: <Nozomi> Stand still next time! I only have 5 bullets left!
Joel: This is like a play without any stage directions! Actors just
walk in and out at random!
Hikari embraced her younger sister. "I'm sorry, Nozomi-chan," she said.
Nozomi returned the embrace. "Don't be."
Mike: <Nozomi, singing> Don't speak, I know what you're thinking...
Tom: <Hikari> But I'm really really sorry, and...
Mike: <Nozomi> What did I just say!?!
"Hello, Nozomi-chan," Asuka greeted.
"Asuka-neechan!" Nozomi embraced the pilot. "I missed you, too."
Drip, drip.
Joel: The leak came without warning... There had been no declaration
of dripping, no creaking pipes to warn it was going to happen. It simply
happened.
Mike: <Asuka> Hey, who are you calling a drip!
Crow: I think the dam is finally about to burst.
Tom: <Author> Oh wow, I know what we need... a little boy to put
his finger in the dyke to stop the dripping!
Crow: <Toji> I'm your man! Which one, Asuka or Hikari?
Tears fell onto the girl's head. Nozomi looked into Asuka's eyes.
"Why are you crying?" she asked.
Mike: <Asuka> I can't resist the sounds of gentle dripping, it helps me
sleep.
Crow: <Asuka> Because we blew what budget we had on a fancy expensive
chronograph and trusted the sound effects to "THSUX"!
Joel: The audience is dripping.
"I'm... so happy." Asuka returned the embrace. "Thank you."
Kodama sighed. "You're welcome." She left the living room.
Tom: And reemerged in a bedroom a thousand miles away.
Joel: It's the amazing doors of transportation!
Crow: <Kodama> Yep, I need yet ANOTHER dose of insulin for this fic.
Dammit, I'm just about to hit sugar shock...
1720 hours. "Shinji-kun!" Yuki ran towards her hero.
"You've come, you've come!"
Mike: <Shinji> Nope. Give me a minute, two tops.
Tom: Her hero is the guy who put her in the hospital? That's one messed
up kid.
Joel: <Yuki> Wait a minute! You're not Billy!
Crow: <Shinji> But I come from Hong Kong and I've got the kung-fu grip!
"Hello, Miss Yuki!" Shinji handed a teddy bear to Yuki, who smiled.
"It's so cute!" The girl smiled her thanks.
Crow: Another proud graduate of the Nuku Nuku School of Smiling.
Mike: Yuki, don't trust a teddy bear who smiles...
Tom: Coincidentally made with skin flayed from the 'vicious street
gang' who attacked earlier and provided the fic with its ONLY ACTION...
Crow: You forgot about the reporter he nearly killed.
"Good evening, Suzuhara-kun," Rei greeted. "May I enter?"
"Sure," Toji answered.
Joel: All that's missing is Toji chuckling like Beavis.
Crow: Plenty of Buttheads though... heh heh heh.
"Okay," Yuki reluctantly answered. Then she grabbed Shinji's hand. "But
don't try to take away my Shinji-kun!" Shinji and Toji laughed.
Tom: <Shinji> She's so CUTE when she's insanely jealous...
Crow and Joel: <Shinji and Toji> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... we
don't get it.
Mike: ...nervously because she had that evil, Misery-like look in her eye
again.
Joel: <Shinji> *makes the A-OK sign*. "It stinks!"
Rei smiled. "Do not worry," she assured. "He is free."
Mike: ...for the first three minutes but then he's $2.49 for each
additional
minute.
Crow: The Shinji plan. More savings than ever!
Tom: <Rei> Oh, and don't forget easy. Definitely easy.
Joel: <Rei> Free as the wind blows, free as the grass grows...
* Credits *
Story
Sidewinder, email Aim9Snake@hotmail.com.
Mike: Just goes to prove that a good joystick doesn't always make a
good author.
Joel: Yay, the credits are rolling! I'm so happy I can cry.
dripdripdripdripdripdripdripdripdripdrip....
Crow: You're flooding Hong Kong... again.
Joel: But it's for a GOOD reason!
Casting
Anno Hideaki
Sadamoto Yoshiyuki
John Woo
Wang Du Lu
Takeuchi Naoko
Tom: Wha? John Woo? WHERE?!?
Crow: Geez, first Mission Impossible II and now this! John's really
sliding.
Song lyrics
Bart Howard
Mike: And let's not forget the ultimate script consultants... Sheryl Crow,
KD Lang, DJ Croft, and Anne Heche!
Tom: Personal assistant to Asuka: Lisa Foster.
Crow: And special thanks to the 'cut' and 'paste' commands for
making this fic possible.
* Blooper *
Joel: Damn you, Dick Clark and Ed McMahon! You stay out of this!
"Stop!" Asuka and Rei turned towards the voice. The chocolate-faced
youth held his blade at Hikari's throat. "Or I'll cut off her pretty
face!"
Mike:<Asuka> Ha, I dare you! She doesn't even have a dotted line
for you to follow!
Tom: When organ theft goes too far.
"Let her go, or I'll..." Asuka began.
"Or you'll what?" the youth interrupted. "What are you going to do..."
Joel: <Asuka> I'll ask you again!
Crow: <youth> Aww man, not that! Here, I give up!
"Ikari-kun," Rei called. "Please help us."
The leader looked under the ice-cream stand, Shinji's hiding
place. "Get up!" He grabbed Shinji's hand, lifted the boy onto his feet,
then held his blade at Shinji's throat.
Mike: Hey! The real Shinji showed up!
Tom: Wow! Whoda thunk that it took a BLOOPER for the author to
get him right?
Crow: <Director> Oh my god, he's finally snapped! Somebody call security!
Joel: <youth> Now then... let's talk about renegotiating my contract.
"Please, don't hurt me," Shinji cried.
The youths laughed. "Is this a joke!?" the leader asked.
"Are you the heroic Eva pilot who killed three Angels!?"
Tom: <Shinji> No, Rei did all the work. I swear it!
Crow: <Shinji> Umm, I use a giant mecha. Let me go get it and
then we'll see who's the coward here.
Joel: <Shinji> No, my name's Irwin and I'm just trying to get my
big break! If I blow this, it'll be back to PA'ing again!
"Break his arms!" Asuka ordered.
"S^1 will not do so," Rei said. "S^1 has an aversion to violence."
Joel: S^1? The missing guard from Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla is here?
Mike: Well, that explains why it's called the S2 organ, I guess.
"Do I have to do everything myself!?" Asuka complained, pulling up her
skirt.
"Oh, yeah!" the youths cheered. "She's my bitch!" "Pink! Pink! Pink!
Pink..." Then they saw Asuka's thigh holster.
Crow: <youths> Uhhh... gun! gun! gun! Run away! Run away!
Bang! Hikari's captor fell, cradling his bleeding genitals. Asuka pulled
the trigger, castrating the two youths who were fighting Rei.
Mike: Asuka, master of the crotch chop.
Tom: <Asuka> I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA! SUCK IT!!!
Joel: Man, why was this scene cut from the original? It has more action
than most of the fic!
The leader released Shinji, who instinctively put his hands in front of
his
groin.
Mike: <Asuka> You went over my helmet?!?
Crow: <Shinji> N-no, not over! M-m-more to the side a-actually!!
Joel: The Schwartz is not one with this fic.
"Please, don't hurt me," he cried. Asuka ignored him.
"Was that necessary?" Hikari asked, staring at the blood.
Tom: <Asuka> No, but boy is it fun!
"Self-defense." Asuka holstered her .357 SIG automatic.
Crow:... which immediately pulled her panties down because it
was too damn heavy for a concealed holster.
Mike: So, when did the Japanese pass those conceal-carry laws for
fourteen-year-olds anyway?
Joel: Right after Hong Kong rose out of the sea like Atlantis.
"Where's Psycho Gunner?
Mike: THANKFULLY not present!
"S^2? He's being tested," answered S^1, the original Shinji.
"What's he being tested for?" Asuka asked. "Paranoia? Schizophrenia?"
Crow: <Shinji> Gills.
Joel: Hormonal imbalance?
Mike: Standard god-boy testing.
Tom: <Rei> Figures. They SHOULD check him for rampant OOCness if
they were smart...
"His response to sexual stimuli," S^1 answered. "Kaoru-kun is
administering the test."
Joel: So if they had the original Shinji there all along, why
didn't they USE him?
Mike: If you were the original Shinji, would you participate in this?
Crow: The original Shinji has disavowed any knowledge or
participation in this fanfic.
Tom: Any similarity between the original Shinji and the clone
is a miracle.
Joel: Maybe they ran overbudget with the cast and had to bring in
an extra out of "Gladiator"?
Crow: Nah, Keanu Reeves just needed to keep in practice before
he started filming Matrix 2
Asuka laughed. "Hey, Wonder Girl!" she called. "Tell me what you
think. Who'll be the first to get their butt plugged? Psycho Gunner,
or Angel Boy?"
Joel: This is one long blooper! When do we get to the botched
lines and repeated flubs caused by involuntary laughter? At least
give us a faulty prop or something!
Crow: Laughter? In this fic? All that does is cause more tears.
Drip. Drip.
Mike: By now, it should be "plop plop" and "fizz fizz".
"Neither," Rei answered. "S^2's concern about his image has induced
homophobia. He will reject Nagisa-kun's advances."
Crow: Oh, pshaw. Now if S2 willingly went into, say, "Gundam Wing"
and made it out without a marked increase in bishounen-ness, THEN
I'd be impressed.
Mike: Yeah, like Kaworu is going to take no for an answer anyway. Pick
up the soap, Shinji!
"Why did you say that?" Asuka asked.
Zoom! Nagisa Kaoru flew over a skyscraper, then broke the sound barrier.
Crow: The sound effects are so bad that a sonic boom is characterized by
a "Zoom"?
Tom: Ha ha ha! Hey, that was funny! Let see Shinji fly into a jet's
turbine
now!
"Kaoru!" S^1 called. Zoom! A silver Eva flew over a skyscraper, swept
its wings, then broke the sound barrier.
Joel: Mach 3! The ultimate razor that'll have your face feeling like a
dolphin's
skin in no time!
Tom: Oh, is this the same Kaoru who can _control_ EVAs? Just checking.
Crow: Able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Super Nagisa!
Cannon barrels extended from the Eva's forearms. Boom, boom, boom!
Boom, boom, boom! Shells slammed against Kaoru's AT Field.
Mike: Sound effects provided by a bunch of 2 year olds.
Crow: ... doing absolutely nothing. Finally get an EVA fight and it's as a
throwaway omake.
Joel: Well, at least the fic tries to go out on a high note...
Tom: Suddenly, I have a tremendous urge to practice some school cheers.
Crow: Boom-Boom-Boom! Rah-Rah-Rah! Sis-Boom-Bah!
"Please, don't hurt him!" S^1 ran after the Eva. Boom! Crack! A shell
penetrated the Field, then shattered Kaoru's skull. "Noooo!"
Crow: BOOMSHAKALACKA!
Mike: I guess this will have to pass for humor until actual
humor can be found.
Joel: I dunno about you guys, but characters named "S-carat-1"
don't leave me very sympathetic.
Tom: Or the fact that even the EVAs and Angels are OOC in this.
"A woman's intuition," Rei answered.
"Is that the PLA Eva?" Hikari asked, staring at the red star on the Eva's
shoulder. "It's pretty."
Joel: Aww, come on. They just stole the design from a Battletech book.
Tom: <Hikari> Why, yes it is. But don't call me EVA!
Mike: Plaeva? sounds like something from health class.
Asuka sighed. "Idiots."
Joel: <Asuka> Of all the bloopers, in all the fanfics, based on
all the series, in all the anime in all the world... I had to get
stuck in this one.
Tom: YES! You tell 'em Asuka! They're all idiots!
Mike: Ruri Hoshino, eat your heart out!
Crow: And only at the end, did someone speak the truth... but it was too
late for the Johnsonville Brat....
****
"And that's the end of my lecture," Dr. Forrester said triumphantly.
"Now does anyone have any questions?"
"Um, I think everyone's left, Dr. F," TV's Frank meekly said as he
looked out into the empty room.
"And where did they go?" Dr. Forrester inquired as he glared at Frank.
"To the wet T-shirt contest, of course!" Frank exclaimed.
"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!?" Dr. Forrester bellowed. "That was
the part I was most looking forward to!"
"But, But.." Frank stuttered nervously. "You said the lecture was more
important than anything."
"NOTHING is more important than fan service and free beer!" Dr. Forrester
explained angrily. "Now let's hurry up so we can catch the tail end of the
contest!"
"But what about the end of the MST?" Frank asked.
"Who cares about it? We've got wet T-shirts to go to!" Dr. Forrester
exclaimed as he left the room. Frank just shrugged and followed him
outside,
leaving the room empty except for a man that looked surprisingly close to,
but nothing like, John Cleese.
"And that's the MST," The man started as he sat down behind a desk
with a microphone. "In other news, all Dark Kingdom generals and other
minions of evil are advised to be on the watch for Minky Momo. She is
driving a large monster truck and has already run over Jadeite, Galaxia,
and the entire starting line up of the 1972 Philadelphia Flyers."
The man shuffled some papers aimlessly before he continued, "And in
lieu of a proper ending of this fic, we shall now move on to something
completely different, the Authors Notes."
[Authors Notes]
The author, who is not Miwa, would like to thank the following shows
for inspiring the Host segments. Monty Python, The Tick, John Biles
MST of Natsumi the Magical Girl (Which isn't a shameless plug, nope,
not at all...Honest!) and the Simpsons. A big thanks for Long Tsun for
letting us do this MST, and all the riffers and editors that helped make
this possible.
Extra special thanks to Megane 6.7 and Ammadeau just because!
Riffers for this MST were: Richard Beaubien (Not Miwa), Ammadeau,
Lerche, Kaworu, Zoogz, SKJAM, Megane6.7
Editors for this MST were: Richard Beaubien (Who is Really not Miwa),
Lerche, Zoogz, Megane 6.7
Additional Riff editing done by: Megane 6.7
Host Segments written by: Richard Beaubien (Who is, honestly, not
Miwa...Really)
The laser sights' beams touched Asuka's and Rei's assailants. Bang, bang!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
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