Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and co., and there's nothing I can do about it. This is a copyright infringement and my only hope is that she either likes the story, or doesn't find out. I know virtually nothing about babies, and I'm too embarrassed to ask those who do know. C & C is appreciated, since it's the only indication anybody reads this. This takes place after the end of the manga, and about ten months after Mousse's return (after training at Jusenkyo). DUCK AND PEACHES AT THE FOOT OF FLOWER MOUNTAIN By Hans Holm CHAPTER ONE At first, Shampoo didn't consciously notice anything unusual as she returned to the Nekohanten. However, once inside she realised something and went back outside, doing the kind of double take that is hilarious in movies but doesn't work at all in text. Next to the door was a basket with a sleeping baby. Now, Shampoo wouldn't be the first to admit that her knowledge of the specifics of human reproduction was a little shaky. She would, in fact, have denied it until the point when it couldn't be denied any longer. She knew, however, that this was NOT the way babies normally show up. This called for expert help. "Great-grandmother!" "What is the matter, Shampoo?", Cologne asked as she came out of the kitchen. "What's this" "A baby." "I mean, what is it doing here!?" "Sleeping." "Did you memorise the whole movie or..." WHAP!! Shampoo's question was interrupted by Cologne's staff. " We will continue this inside." Back inside, a quick search concluded that the basket contained a month-old baby girl, some clothes, a blanket and a letter. Addressed to Mousse. Since he was away doing whatever he does when he's not working at Nekohanten and couldn't have stopped her even if he was there, Cologne opened and read it. Before Shampoo had the chance to ask what it said, Mousse returned. "SHAMPOO, MY LO..." "QUIET, YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY. And let go of the hat-rack." The first part of this utterance not only stopped Mousse in his tracks, but also woke the baby. "Shampoo. The baby. And Mousse: who is Tao Tao?", Cologne demanded. As Shampoo tried to calm the baby, Mousse turned a very bright shade of red. "Uh...S-she was one of the girls at the circus." "You got along pretty good, I suppose?" "W-well...we...what do you mean?" "You can see...well, hear the baby can't you? Who do you think she is?" "What...it couldn't...I mean...we did...she said...she said she wouldn't get pregnant..." "Oh, well. I suppose there's not much we can do about that now..." "But what's the baby doing here, what about Tao Tao?" "According to this letter there was some kind of accident shortly after the birth, and since Tao Tao didn't have any family, the circus decided to send the baby to you. By the way, it seems she doesn't even have a name yet." "Uh...I was planning to name my first daughter Hairspray", Mousse said, starting to turn red again "...after her grandmother..." "But that's MY mother's name", Shampoo interrupted, having managed to calm the baby and still somewhat confused about what was going on. "Now that that's resolved, Mousse you take Hairspray up to your room and stay there until I call for you. Shampoo, take of your blouse. GO UPSTAIRS, MOUSSE. NOW." "Why do you want me to undress, great-grandmother." "Because I am to old to breastfeed a baby, and, unless somebody volunteers, you're the only alternative. Now hold still so I can find the rights pressure points..." ZOOOM!!! "...or maybe, we should stick to baby formula, until we find a volunteer", Cologne said to herself, looking at the swinging door. * * * * * Shampoo definitively needed to talk to someone. It wasn't until Nabiki answered the door, that she remembered that Kasumi was on a trip with some old friends from school and thus unavailable. Nabiki was certainly not the right person to talk to, so she made up a story about taking their orders in advance, since she knew that Akane would be cooking. On second thought, Kasumi was probably not the right person either, she needed to talk to somebody who would agree on what jerks men are. Since Mrs. Saotome was unavailable as well, she only had one real choice. Ukyo stared in surprise and disbelief as the obviously upset Amazon stormed into her restaurant. "Ukyo serve alcohol? Give Shampoo", Shampoo demanded. "Sorry", Ukyo answered, barely noticing that Shampoo had addressed her by name, "there appears to be a rule against people to young to drink it selling it". Konatsu whispered something in her ear. "But Konatsu says we have a gallon or so of high quality ice cream, if that will do. He says it does wonders for him." "Whatever", Shampoo muttered, slumped over the table and burst into tears. Ukyo sat down next to her and put her arm over Shampoo's shoulders. "OK, tell me what's wrong." "WhenMoussewaswiththecircushesleptwithoneofthegirlsandshegot pregnantandnowshe'sdeadandtheysentthebabyhereand greatgrandmother'sgonecrazyandwantsmetotakecareofit.", Shampoo explained, in Chinese. "Whoa...slow down...Let me see if I got this right. You're upset because Mousse did something?" "Mumble mumble mumble" "What?" "Mousse sleep with other girl!!" "So why are you upset. You don't even like Mousse!" "That not point!! Mousse always say he love Shampoo. Why Mousse sleep with other girl?" Ukyo, wisely, didn't answer that, possibly because Ranma and Akane entered the restaurant. Ranma and Akane froze at the unexpected sight of Ukyo trying to comfort Shampoo, who was trying to out-Soun Soun. It could only mean one thing - Ranma had managed to upset his other fiancees again. No, that wasn't it - if he had they would have been tearing Nerima (and possibly Ranma) apart by now. This needed an investigation. Since Shampoo seemed incapable of speech at the moment, they turned to Ukyo. "Hey, Ucchan, what's with Shampoo?" "I think she walked in on Mousse with another girl." "I thought she would've been celebrating if he did something like that", said Ranma, "I mean, she doesn't even like him". At this point, Shampoo's crying gained new strength. "I can't believe he'd do something like that", Akane said, "especially since he's always telling her he loves her." "Maybe she wore a purple wig", Ukyo interjected, "it is pretty easy to trick him when he's not wearing his glasses". "What! Spatula Girl sleep with Mousse too!?" "Let go of her, Shampoo. She only meant that anybody could convince Mousse that they're you if they tried", Akane said before realising that this outburst had not included the requisite attack. "Mousse know girl not Shampoo! Shampoo nowhere near place!" "Didn't you just say she walked in on him." "I thought he did. I didn't think she'd be quite that upset otherwise." "Mousse with girl ten months ago. Now Shampoo stuck with baby." After this outburst they finally got Shampoo to explain the situation (from her point of view, withholding the volunteers and pressure points bits for strategic reasons). * * * * * Mousse sat on his bed and tried to gather his thoughts. He hadn't planned on being a father at seventeen. Well, sometimes he had, but not a single father and not without Shampoo being the mother. Tao Tao had been a good friend even if they hadn't known each other very long. She had in fact been sort of a non-violent Shampoo, except she wasn't _Shampoo_ and Shampoo was nowhere as forward, at least not with him. At least Hairspray was quiet...maybe too quiet? No, she was still breathing so she must be OK. And now Tao Tao was dead. The letter had said it was an accident, but hadn't given any clues to what kind of accident, which made him suspicious. It wasn't as if the circus hadn't included or antagonised people who, well, wouldn't have seemed out of place if they had showed up to kidnap Akane (Mousse himself being one example). He really didn't feel ready for this kind of responsibility. Was babies really supposed to be this quiet? Maybe she was sick? He really needed someone who knew about these things to talk with. Cologne wasn't really an option, she knew about a lot of things, but fatherhood was unlikely to be one of them. Besides, she tried to have as little as possible to do with babies and small children - partly because she didn't want to traumatise them and partly because they're hard to handle when you're not much bigger yourself. On the other hand, she wouldn't refrain from giving advice on the Amazon traditions of child-raising, several of which Mousse, having experienced or witnessed, wasn't too keen to consider inflicting on his own daughter (or any other child). For fatherhood, he could only think of three possible advisers in the area - neither of whom struck him as any shining ideals of fatherhood, and they were unlikely to have any practical experience in taking care of babies. Not that he would let them anywhere near Hairspray if he could prevent it. When it came to any practical, experienced advice or help, he realised, he only had Mrs. Saotome to turn to, with Kasumi as a possible inexperienced alternative. Of course, if Mrs. Saotome got involved, chances were that her prospective daughters-in-law would try to help out, showing how good they were at taking care of babies. Mousse's thoughts were broken by Cologne calling him downstairs and handing him a list. "What's this, and where did Shampoo go?" "It's a shopping list for everything you need to take care of a baby. Shampoo isn't quite ready for children yet, but with any luck she'll find someone who is." Mousse took a quick look at the list. "This is too much! I don't have this much money!" "Here. Consider it an advance on your pay." "You realise I'm not going to work here long enough to pay all of that back." "Then it's a loan. Now go." "But, what about Hairspray?" "If she wakes up before you or Shampoo come back, I'll handle her." * * * * * * "I still can't believe Mousse would do something like that", Akane said as they walked towards Nekohanten, "he's always telling..." "Yes, yes, yes", Ukyo interrupted her, "you've said that already. We get the point." "Aren't we supposed to bring some presents, when we come to look at the baby", Ranma said, "You know, Frankenstein and murk and stuff." "I don't think we have to be that fancy, unless Mousse had the baby all by himself", Akane said. "I think it can be forgiven since we didn't get any warning beforehand", Ukyo added, "right, Shampoo?". "Uh...what?...sure.", Shampoo said, lost in thought. "I'm back", Shampoo called as they entered Nekohanten. "Changed your mind", Cologne asked, "or did you find a volunteer?". "I, uh...", Shampoo began. "What are you talking about?", Akane asked. Cologne sighed, "I'm too old to breastfeed a baby, Shampoo is desperately unwilling and Mousse physically incapable." "How about trying to get some nyannichuan-water", Ranma suggested. "All babies aren't breastfed", said Ukyo, "I wasn't and I turned out fine. Besides some are allergic and stuff." "I thought they were supposed to get anti-bodies and things through the milk", Akane said, "so they don't get sick.". "But your answer is no", Cologne interrupted them, "Well, I guess we'll have to try find a satisfactory substitute instead.". "So, where is the baby?", Ranma asked. "She's upstairs, in Mousse's room", Cologne said, "Shampoo, could you get Hairspray?". "She's named after Shampoo's mother", she continued seeing the other three's reaction. "He's really going in for upsetting Shampoo, isn't he.", Akane said. "He had promised himself to name his first daughter Hairspray after her grandmother, it just turned out that the mother wasn't the one he planned.", Cologne explained. "Here she is.", Shampoo announced, coming down the stairs with the now awake Hairspray in her arms. "Ooh, she's so cute!", Akane said, "Can I hold her?". Shampoo seemed a little reluctant at first, but handed her over. Ranma was starting to get nervous - the girls were clustered around the mite, cooing and telling her how cute she was. Nothing good could come of this, especially if pop found out how Akane acted around babies... "Ran-chan, do you want to hold her?", Ukyo asked, bringing Ranma out of his reveries. "NO!", Ranma screamed, frightening Hairspray, "uh...I mean, guys don't do that. Guys holding babies look like geeks...uh...I mean...I don't know how to old a baby.". That really was asking for it. A glass of cold water later, Ranma was left holding a crying baby in her arms. "No...don't cry...please... pretty please?...uhm, help...she won't stop..." She was getting close to crying herself. "You're the one who got her started", Ukyo said, "you comfort her." "Maybe she's hungry.", Akane said, "Where's Mousse anyway?". "I sent him out to buy the things Hairspray's caretakers didn't bring along.", Cologne answered, "I expect he'll be gone for a while." Ranma finally managed to calm Hairspray down and gave a triumphant smile as if he'd just beaten Tarou, Herb and Saffron together all on his own. At this point Kuno came into Nekohanten and saw, well, the pig-tailed girl with a baby in her arms. His reaction was quite predictable: "OH NO! PIG-TAILED GIRL, HAS THAT FOUL SORCE..." WHAM Ranma's punch was accompanied by "It's Mousse's". The reaction to this was quite predictable as well - a tirade directed towards the vile miscreant, a promise to avenge the pig-tailed girls honour, a short assisted flight out of the restaurant and running off to find Mousse. "Heh, I should've thought of that months ago.", Ranma said with a smirk before noticing the looks she got from the girls and Cologne, "What?". "Don't you think Mousse have trouble enough without adding an angry Kuno?". Akane growled. "Hairspray already lost mother. Ranma trying to get father killed too?", Shampoo added. "OK. OK, I'll go look for him, satisfied?", Ranma muttered and left. * * * * * * CHAPTER TWO Mousse wished Cologne had been foresighted enough to add the names and addresses of the shops to the list. It wasn't as if he usually frequented shops for baby clothes or any of the other things he needed to buy. For a while he considered going to the Tendos for help, but then he remembered that both Kasumi and Mrs. Saotome were away at the moment. He doubted that Kasumi actually knew where they could find those shops anyway. Somebody came up behind him. "Mousse-san?" He turned around and found himself staring at a giant pig which returned the stare, while it's rider climbed of. "Akari Unryuu, is it? Ryoga's girlfriend?" "Yes. Have you seen him?" "No...but he's bound to turn up sooner or later." He thought for a few moments. "Uh... Akari Unryuu, do you think you could help me with something?" "Well, maybe...and could you please call me just Akari? What is it you need help with?" "Just Akari, I..." "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" "What..." "The Just Akari-thing...Don't do that, OK?" "OK, Akari, I need help to find out where I can buy all these things." He handed her the list. "Is somebody going to have a baby", she asked after skimming through it. "Somebody already has...uh, I don't think you've heard of her...anyway I need to get all these baby things, because all she have is one set of clothes." "Who? Why do you have to do everything?" "Hairspray, she's my daughter." "DAUGHTER?!...but what about Shampoo?!" "I'd rather not talk about it. So, do you know where I can find these things." "No, but I'm not to proud to ask people." A short while later, Mousse were laden with boxes and packages, while Akari went through the list again. "I think we've got everything but the clothes now." "They have to wait until tomorrow. I can't carry any more and I don't know her size." "You don't know your daughter's size?" "Until four hours ago I didn't even now I had a daughter. I've spent most of those four hours shopping and she spent the rest of them sleeping. We haven't really had time to get to know each other." The clerk, who hadn't heard this exchange, looked from Akari to Mousse laden with packages and back again. "Miss, I think you may be getting a little ahead of yourself. You don't look pregnant.", she told Akari. "Actually, we're about a month to late.", Mousse said, starting to turn red. "and she's only here as moral support", he continued indicating the now equally red Akari. As they left the shop, they failed to spot the lost boy across the street. Ryoga, on the other hand, saw Akari and Mousse laden with packaged baby stuff leaving a shop together. A quick survey of the situation produced these facts: 1. Akari have just bought a lot of baby stuff; 2. People usually buy baby stuff when someone is about to have a baby. 3. Everybody else have someone other than Akari to send out to buy baby stuff. 4. I haven't done anything. 5. She's with Mousse. Conclusion: Akari's having Mousse's baby!!! This left two possibly courses of action (three if you include trying to find out what is actually going on): 1. Have wild and passionate sex with the equally jilted Shampoo to try to ease the pain; or, 2. Attacking the (expletive, expletive racial slur) and go out in if not a blaze of glory, a ki-blast of depression. It's an obvious choice, really. Mousse heard the battle-cry "Prepare to die, Mousse!" and felt someone approaching from above. He pushed Akari out of the way as Ryoga impacted on the sidewalk, leaving a crater. Ryoga growled at them. "Akari, get out of here! Now!", Mousse shouted while dodging, "Go get Ranma or Cologne..." "But...Ryoga..." "Is not really himself at the moment. Get help! I'll try to keep hi..." One of Ryoga's punches connected with Mousse, sending him flying into Akari and both into a nearby car. At least Mousse managed to twist around to keep Akari from the worst of the impact. Ryoga was almost on top of them again. "Ryoga...please...stop...", Akari pleaded. He ignored her and continued against Mousse who met him with a knee to the mid-section. She needed some way to calm him down quickly... cold water! Spotting a soda vending machine down the street she quickly made her way towards it. A sudden and very local downpour stopped Ryoga in his tracks as his shape became unsuited to punching. As he tried to work out how to kill Mousse while in pig form someone lifted him by the scruff of his neck. "Hey, P-chan, Mousse have enough trouble without you expanding your vendettas.", Ranma said. "Bwee, bwee bwee", Ryoga explained angrily. "Yeah, yeah, whatever", Ranma replied, "Listen, he just found out he has a kid and if you kill him Shampoo will kill you for leaving her with the kid, OK" "Bwee." "I was just helping him finding things.", Akari interjected. "Bwee." Ryoga had decency to look ashamed. "Oh, and Mousse? Kuno's looking for you to avenge the...hey, he's unconscious." "Then you'll have to carry him too.", Akari said. "Me? What do you mean carry him too?" "I can't carry him, Ryoga and all these packages all by myself. And what if Kuno shows up?" * * * * * * A short time later they were back at the Nekohanten. "Hey, where did everybody go?!", Ranma called out. "Spatul...Ukyo is on milk run", Shampoo said coming down the stairs, " and, uh, Akane is...aiyah! What happen to Mousse?" "He was ground zero for one of Ryoga's jumps to conclusion. Lucky for you that Akane isn't here, P-chan." "Bwee?" "Sigh. Let's turn him back to human first, and maybe get the old ghoul to take a look at Mousse." "I'm back!", Ukyo called as she nudged the door open with her foot (until Akari opened it for her) with her arms full of plastic bags, "Uh, why's Ryoga half-naked?" "Because Pig-loving Girl, uh, Akari no want to wait?" "What's with all the bags, Ucchan? I thought you were only going to get milk." "Yeah, but then I realised she didn't have a bottle either or diapers or..." "So you went and bought the same things Mousse and I bought." "I got a little carried away." "You, young lady", Cologne said suddenly appearing behind Ukyo, "are acting like a very stereotypical girl in a romantic comedy aimed at boys. Next you'll attempt to impress Ranma with your diaper-changing skills." "I bought her a plush ducky.", Ukyo said apologetically. Only her sense of dignity prevented Cologne from banging her head against the wall. "Shampoo thinks Ukyo needs pet.", Shampoo muttered. * * * * * * "Would you mind telling me what's going on?", Nabiki asked, while Akane was tearing through the closet. "They have to be here somewhere. I know they're here.", Akane mumbled. "Our baby clothes.", she explained. "Did Ranma enter P-chan in another contest or..." "Mousse'sdaughtershowedupandshe'sonlygotonesetofclothes...Aha! There they are!", Akane announced, pulling a large box from the closet. "Wait a minute! Mousse's daughter?" "Yes." "Mousse? As in male Chinese Amazon, long black hair, blind as a bat, turns into a duck, worth 7500 yen per picture if you catch him outside his robe?" "Uh...yes." "Mousse? As in completely devoted to Shampoo? Has a kid? As in has had sex with a girl? A girl who's not Shampoo? You're joking." "No...gotta go!" Nabiki pondered this for a few seconds before coming to a realisation: "Hey! That's MY baby clothes!" "Saotome? Did you catch where my daughters said they were going?" "No...I think it was something about a contest, baby clothes and yen per picture." "Ah...just another of Nabiki's schemes then. Your move." * * * * * * When Mousse finally came to and was handed his glasses, he found himself back in his room. "How did I get back here...and why is Ryoga wearing one of my robes." "Hairspray, uhm, had, uh, an accident on...", Ranma began. "IS SHE ALRIGHT!?!" "Geez, it's not really that kind of accident." The only casualty was my shirt", Ryoga added, "Even if it ever gets clean I'll never wear it again." "And now we'd like some answers.", Ranma continued. "How did this happen? How come you've got a kid all of a sudden?", Ryoga demanded. "How?...didn't your parents tell you about the birds and the bees?", Mousse answered with a weak smile (before realising that bringing up Ryoga's parents might not be a good idea). "Pops did", Ranma interjected, "but I didn't believe him. I mean, what if the bird got stung halfway...and then there's the size difference... I mean an ostrich is really big, but..." "It just sort of happened", Mousse interrupted, "she was a good friend and she was upset because her boyfriend had done something and they'd broken up, I tried to console her and before I knew it she...I...we...", he trailed off. Hairspray crying and sounds of mounting panic downstairs brought him back to reality. And downstairs in record time. Hairspray was crying and turning red in Shampoo's arms. The girls looked close to panic and it seemed like only instinct prevented them from tossing Hairspray between them like a unexploded grenade. Possibly they actually had - Ukyo was holding the bottle. Cologne was nowhere to be seen. "Give her to me!", Mousse demanded, and without waiting for a reply grabbed Hairspray from Shampoo. He should have known something like this would happen. He knew the girls tried their best, but they didn't really know what to do. Well, neither did he, but at least he was not trying to impress Ranma with his baby care-skills. Why was she crying? Was there something wrong with the formula? Maybe she was allergic to it. Maybe she was sick! "There...there...everything'll be alright", he whispered, stroking her back while trying to calm both Hairspray and himself. Finally, before Mousse had worked himself into cardiac arrest, she burped. Loudly. "Whoa, I didn't know something that small could be that loud.", Ranma commented, mainly to restart the conversation, "Where did Cologne go?" "She had to go and lie down. I think the unamazon-like atmosphere got to her.", Nabiki said, "I think we'd better leave before you lot traumatise Hairspray for life." "But...but...", Akane began. "I think Mousse will be able to pick some clothes for his daughter without your help. Let's go. I'll send Ranma around to get the orders later." "Orders?...What orders?...", Shampoo said, having forgotten her earlier white lie. "Oh, _those_ orders." * * * * * * "OK, Mousse. I want some answers. Now!", Shampoo demanded as soon as they were alone. "I like the red one with kittens on it, but the green and white one fits her better...", Mousse began still going through Nabiki's hand-me-downs. "No, no, no! About this Tao Tao woman." "Huh?" "HAIRSPRAY'S MOTHER! Who was she? Where did you meet her? What did she look like? Why did the circus send Hairspray to you?" "OK, OK. Let me just put Hairspray to bed first." With that Mousse went upstairs only to return moments later. "Uh...Where did you put the crib?" "Oh, we were so busy we forgot to put it together. It's in the big box next to the door...no, the other side, that's the pram..." "Did I really buy this much?" "No, Ukyo bought some of it. She got a little carried away. Why don't you just put Hairspray in her basket again. Then you can answer my questions while you put the crib together." "As I told you before, Tao Tao was one of the girls at the circus. She helped taking care of the animals...wait, I think I have a picture here somewhere." "WHY ARE YOU CARRYING A PICTURE OF HER?" "Because people keep sneaking into my room and going through my things on a weekly basis. I didn't wa..." "That wouldn't happen if you told great-grandmother when you get the new issue of...uh." "Anyway, here's the picture." The photo was of two people in front of a tiger in a cage. One was Mousse unrobed and sweaty, but smiling. Unless Mousse had made more female friends a the circus, the equally smiling girl with her arms around him had to be Tao Tao. She had long, almost waist-length, wavy dark brown hair and, from what was visible from behind Mousse dressed in cut-offs and t-shirt. If she didn't know better she'd have assumed that they were a couple. A happy one. It just wasn't fair - she had managed to get a few photos of her and Ranma in a similar situation, but he always looked very uncomfortable or just plain terrified. Mousse brought her out of her reverie. "Shampoo? My hands are kind of full. Could you look in the assembly instructions and tell me where this thing goes?" He was trying to hold what appeared to be a model of Tokyo Tower together with his hands while balancing what looked like a four-way wheel wrench on his right foot. "Where is it?" "In the box ove...uh-oh." As Shampoo looked for the assembly instructions, gravity brought Mousse back to square one. By the time she had tracked them down he had constructed the frame-work for a scale-model of the Yamato. He was definitely going to need her help. "Aiyah! These are in Japanese!" "What did you expect, we're in...damn!" The Yamato went the way of the Tokyo Tower model. "Stupid Mousse! Why don't you read the instructions before you start putting things together?" "I should be able to put together a DIY crib without reading the instructions...I mean, how hard can...NOT AGAIN!!" The Kitty Hawk never really got of the ground. "Are you ready to listen to the instructions now? OK, begin first insert bars 1 to 3 in slots A to C..." In less than three minutes Mousse had, under Shampoo's supervision, produced a very nice scale-model of a T-ford. "Sigh...can't you even follow simple instructions? OK, I'll do it myself!" On her own and with mounting frustration, Shampoo managed to turn the supposed crib into a pedal-driven Harley-Davidson Chopper, the Notre Dame and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. "Arrgh! Why'd you buy this useless crap, Mousse!...Uh-oh, I have to get _Ranma's_ dinner ready!" With that Shampoo stomped off towards the kitchen. As she demonstratively slammed the door to the kitchen the Creature collapsed on top of Mousse. By the time Shampoo was leaving to deliver the food Mousse was working on the Parthenon. * * * * * * When she returned it was obvious that Cologne had taken pity on Mousse, as he was in the process of getting the crib upstairs. Cologne herself was catching up on her soaps. "Great-grandmother? Have you decided on Mousse's punishment yet?" "Punishment? What are you talking about?" "I mean...uh...don't we have rules against this sort of thing?" "What sort of thing?" "You know, boys cheating on girls they love." "Not when the girl has repeatedly and expressly spurned the boy for fifteen years." "So you're just going to let him get away with it!" "He only did what you have been telling him to do since you were kids... you're not jealous are you?" "I AM NOT JEALOUS! MOUSSE CAN SLEEP WITH EVERY GIRL IN JAPAN FOR ALL I CARE!" "If you say so. Besides, don't you think being a single parent at seventeen is enough punishment?" That night was the first since Ranma's and Akane's failed wedding that Shampoo was so upset that she couldn't sleep. That Hairspray was clearly awake didn't help either. Eventually, Shampoo tired of Hairspray's crying and went into Mousse's room to get him to do something about it. Mousse was slumped in his chair, deeply asleep and totally exhausted. She briefly considered waking him up before focusing on the main problem. "There, there, Hairspray, don't cry...please? Are you hungry? Let's go down to the kitchen and Shampoo'll make you some of that scrumptious formula. OK? I'll just put this blanket on your idiot father first. So. Now, let's go get that formula." Morning found Shampoo sleeping on a chair in the kitchen with Hairspray sleeping in her arms. It took Cologne several minutes to decide not to take this opportunity to hit her pressure points. * * * * * * CHAPTER THREE Mousse was awakened by someone placing a weight on his chest. It wasn't very heavy, but somehow it got a grip on his hair...and it drooled. At least, he hoped it was drool. But he had to open his eyes and put on his glasses before being sure. Then he heard someone speaking softly next to him. "No, no, Hairspray. If you want to wake daddy up by pulling his hair you have to pull harder...LIKE THIS!!" "Waitwaitwait, I'm awake now, OK?" "Good, then you can go and make breakfast." "So, Mousse, have you decided on what you're going to do?", Cologne asked during breakfast. "Huh?", he answered intelligently. "Now that you're a father you must learn to be more responsible", Cologne continued solemnly. "Well...first I'll have to work out which of my jobs I can afford to quit. Then I guess I'll have to find a place to live..." "WHY!?", Shampoo exclaimed. "So you're not going back to China, I assume?", Cologne asked. "Not yet anyway. I guess I'm not quite ready to give up on running hot water just yet. Is there a reason I should get back to China right this moment?", Mousse answered, ignoring Shampoo's outburst. "Well, not at this very moment. Not that I know of.", Cologne said, before adding quietly "After all, Saffron's not much older than Hairspray at the moment." "What was that?" "Never mind." "What was that about figuring out which work to quit and finding somewhere to live?", Shampoo asked as they were washing up. "Well, I don't think I can have three part-time jobs and take care of Hairspray at the same time. This is the worst-paying and if I quit this I doubt I'll get free bed and board here, so I might as well see if I can find somewhere else." "So you're just going to leave me and great-grandmother to run the Nekohanten by ourselves!" "You've managed fine without my constant presence so far. Besides, I haven't quit yet. So don't start celebrating yet." "I wasn't...I mean...what other jobs?" Well...there's this bar/nightclub that has use for both a bartender and an occasional stage magician..." "Where?" "I'm not telling. And in theory they don't let anybody under 21 in. Besides, I also make more money entertaining kids at _one_ birthday party than I make in a month here." "Oh...I'll go talk to great-grandmother...and I think Hairspray needs a diaper change." * * * * * * "Akari? You're our guest. You don't need to make breakfast. I'll handle it." "It's no trouble, Akane. Besides, I have to repay your generosity somehow." Ranma was trying to look as if he had nothing to do with the sudden change of breakfast-cook. He didn't, but who'd believe him? "So, Akari, what brings you to Tokyo this time?", Nabiki asked while they were eating. "It's not just a sudden urge to go looking for Ryoga, is it?" "My school...uh, sort of blew up and..." "Your school too? It must be something going around", Soun noted absently from behind his newspaper. "...they had to close for... what do you mean 'your school too'?" "Furinkan sort of blew up last week.", Akane explained. "At night, and Ranma wasn't even near the place", Nabiki added. "And what are you kids planning for today?", Genma-panda asked via sign. "Ryoga promised he would show this new technique he discovered!", Ranma answered as he grabbed Ryoga's hand and made his escape before his father suggested something that could be interpreted as a double date. "Unless the novelty's already worn off, I assume Akane and Akari will be over at the Nekohanten helping traumatise Mousse's daughter", Nabiki said. "Her name is Hairspray", Akane muttered. "Mousse has a daughter? Mousse, as in Shampoo's not-boyfriend?!" Soun actually looked up from the newspaper. "The baby's mother obviously thought so", Akari said. Soun and Genma-panda looked at each other, then they grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tendo?", Genma asked Soun via sign before both hurriedly left the room. "What was that about?", Akari asked. "Off-hand, I'd say that unless there's a Saotome or Tendo son we don't know of, we've just witnessed the birth of a plan based on the concepts of 'peer pressure' and 'grandchildren'", Nabiki answered. * * * * * * About halfway to the Nekohanten they met Mousse with a sleeping Hairspray in a pram. "Got thrown out already?", Nabiki asked. "No, but Cologne and Shampoo was getting too loud so I decided to take Hairspray for a walk until they've stopped fighting", Mousse answered. "Cologne and Shampoo are fighting? Why?", Akane asked. "It seems Shampoo doesn't like the idea of me moving", Mousse explained happily. "What?! You're moving?" "Are you going back to China?" "No. Not yet anyway, but since I'm probably going to quit working at the Nekohanten I don't think Cologne'll let me stay." "Quit? Why?" "It's the worst-paying job I have and I need more free time to take care of Hairspray." " _More_ free time? I thought you worke..." "So, have you found somewhere to live yet?", Nabiki interrupted. "I haven't really had time to start looking yet. Besides it's still unclear whether I actually have to move.", Mousse answered. "Will it be an immediate eviction or will Cologne wait until you actually have somewhere else?", Nabiki said. "If it comes to it, I guess we can squeeze in some more houseguests... or maybe Ukyo has some spare room", Akane said. "It certainly seems she wouldn't mind taking Hairspray off your hands", Akari added. "Which would explain why Shampoo is so keen on them not moving", Nabiki remarked. "Actually, I think I'll move anyway, eventually. I've experienced Amazon child-raising techniques first-hand and as long as I live under Cologne's roof I risk Hairspray experiencing them. At least those that can be done in the privacy of the Nekohanten", Mousse said. "That bad?", Akane asked. "The more I learn about Ranma's childhood, the more I start suspecting that there's a little Amazon in Genma", Mousse replied. "Several, if they're Cologne's size", Nabiki added. "Anyway, do you have anything planned for today?" "Not really...well, maybe try to explain to Kuno that the pig-tailed girl has nothing to do with Hairspray...", Mousse said. "Good! Then we're going apartment hunting!", Nabiki exclaimed. * * * * * * A few hours later, the group entered Ucchan's. "I think that, maybe, four teenagers and a baby are a less than ideal group composition for apartment hunting", Mousse remarked. "Come on, it wasn't that bad", Akari said. "It's not as if we got thrown out of anywhere", Akane noted. "I'm sure that those shocked expressions won't affect your chances of getting an apartment, once they realise it's only for you and Hairspray", Nabiki said. "And there's still a lot of apartments left." "Sooner or later we'll find someone who hasn't heard of Ranma", Akane added. "What are you talking about?", Ukyo asked, interrupting them. "Mousse is moving, so we've been helping him find an apartment", Akari answered. "Moving? Why? And what was that about finding someone who hasn't heard of Ranma?" "It seems that people are a little reluctant to rent apartments to people who appear to be martial artists and show up in the company of several girls", Mousse answered. "You see, they've heard about this guy called Ranma who is a martial artists, has lots of girlfriends and has rivals who tend to cause extensive property damage." "Maybe we should get you a new wardrobe as well", Akari told him. "If you dress a little less like someone from a Kung Fu-movie, maybe you'll be less conspicuous." "You know, everybody knows that 'this Ranma-guy' always wear Chinese clothing", Nabiki added. "He's moving because he's getting worried about raising Hairspray under Cologne's supervision", Akane said. "It seems she wrote Genma's book on parenting." "I can't say I'm surprised..." Ukyo was interrupted by the phone ringing. Konatsu answered it. "Ucchan's Okyo...No, Ma'am...yes, Ma'am...no...no...yes...yes, I'll ask them...OK, bye. That was Cologne, she asked if anybody's seen Shampoo. It seems she and Shampoo had an argument and Shampoo ran off...oh, and Kuno came by looking for Mousse." "I suppose she wasn't obliging enough to tell him he's here?", Ukyo asked. "How would she now? It's not as if I planned on going here when I left", Mousse said. "He should be able to work it out himself", Nabiki said. "Or at least remember where foul sorcerers generally hang out around here." "What's that supposed to mean?"; Akane asked. "The foul sorcerer Saotome is generally found at the Tendo's, Furinkan, Nekohanten or Ucchan's", Nabiki said. "Furinkan's out of the question at the moment and he's already been at Nekohanten. He should get here sooner or later." * * * * * * Shampoo was perched on the roof of the highest building she could find, and pondered the injustice of it all. It was all Mousse's fault. As always. He was always messing things up, even when they were kids. And now he'd...done this. There really should be an Amazon rule against it. Really. But great-grandmother just laughed at her when she'd brought it up. And then again when she suggested to give him a raise or something so he wouldn't move to where they couldn't keep an eye on him and prevent...this kind of thing from happening again. Once she became Matriarch she would make sure there would be a rule about that. One that was reproact...retroact...one that also covered things that had been done in the past. Then _she_ would get the last laugh. And everybody was getting all gooey over Hairspray, and were falling over themselves to help poor Mousse. As if he was just an innocent victim. Even great-grandmother! Especially Ukyo! She'd even bought stuff for them. If it had been Ranma they'd be tearing him apart. At least she would. Maybe. But if she tore Mousse apart, _she_ would be stuck with _his_ baby. And everybody would blame her. Maybe she could get Ukyo to chase Mousse instead? She seemed to simply adore Hairspray. Or maybe Akane would realise that she really loved Mousse? They were always teaming up against her anyway. _And_ they got along great. Well, apart from the kidnapping but Akane had forgiven Mousse faster than she had ever forgiven Ranma. And Akane had given Hairspray _a lot_ of clothes. So Akane liked Hairspray, at least. That was a start. _Everybody_ liked Hairspray. She was cute, but not _that_ cute. It probably had something to do with them sleeping out of earshot. And not being expected to help all of the time. Hairspray was _much_ cuter when she wasn't doing anything or sleeping. Which wasn't often. At least Hairspray would keep Mousse from pestering her all the time. Probably. She had only been around for a day or so. But Mousse _hadn't_ tried _anything_ since she showed up. And _everybody_ was changing their schedules to fit around Hairspray. It wasn't fair. Everybody fussed over Hairspray as if she was the only thing that mattered. Nobody cared about Shampoo. Nobody loved Shampoo. Mousse had hardly looked at her since Hairspray appeared. Maybe Shampoo should have an accident? Then they'd all come to visit _her_. If she died they'd all be sorry! Hopefully. But what if they wasn't? Maybe she should just move out of Nekohanten herself? If Mousse could get two other jobs, she should be able to get some too. And everything would be much easier if she had an apartment of her own. Where she could...do things without great-grandmother noticing. And when had any of great-grandmother's plans or magic stuff ever worked out as they should? She would have done much better without her "help", or Mousse's. At this point her train of thought was derailed by her stomach, which pointed out that it was way past lunch-time. As she wasn't to keen on going back to Nekohanten at the moment, she decided to o to Ucchan's. If nothing else, she could tease Ukyo about how she acted around Hairspray. * * * * * * Kuno stopped to think for a moment. The vile miscreant Mousse had had his way with the pig-tailed girl. Now he was at Ucchan's with _five_ other girls, not counting the baby. And one of them was _Akane_! But something didn't match up - why would they all leave Saotome all of a sudden. And for Mousse? OF COURSE!! Saotome had only been a temporary vessel for the foul sorcerer and now it was used up so he had switched to a fresh body. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Saotome for days. Since after Furinkan blew up. Yes, it all made sense now. Saotome's body had been killed in the explosion, so the sorcerer had taken a new one. It didn't matter. It was his sworn duty to destroy the sorcerer, regardless of which body he inhabited. * * * * * * "Kuno's outside", Konatsu remarked. "You want me to..." "No, I'll do it myself", Mousse said. "Foul sorcerer, your reign of..." "Will you shut up and listen, Kuno? Hairspray is _my_ daughter. HEY! LISTEN TO ME!! The pig-tailed girl has nothing to do with her. She is _not_ her mother or her wet-nurse or her god-mother or her future mother-in-law, get it? She is not involved in any way! LISTEN TO ME!" "...for good will always triumph over evil. I am the mighty warrior of..." "(expletive) The hard way it is, then." "...and I will punish you! In the name of..." "GET ON WITH IT!" Kuno drew his bokken and charged. Mousse jumped out of the way, waiting for the right moment to counterattack. He threw a couple off egg-bombs in Kuno's general direction, followed by a bowling ball in Kuno's more exact direction. Kuno cut it in half. "Do you have any idea how expensive that was?!" "Silence, varlet!" Kuno charged again. "MOUSSE!", someone screamed. The almost panicked scream distracted Mousse, who misjudged his dodge. As Kuno prepared himself for a more solid and final blow, he was hit over the head from behind and collapsed. "I can't turn my back without you getting yourself in trouble, can I?", Shampoo said. "I was doing fine until you showed up", Mousse said. "Sure." "Anybody want to bet on how long it takes them to get to uncute tomboy or the Amazon equivalent?", Nabiki asked, as the argument rapidly escalated. The only answer she got was Hairspray drooling on her shoulder and the nagging thought that it was probably time for another diaper change. * * * * * * Somewhere else... Imagine a throne room set up in an abandoned amusement park by the kind of people who gets most of their furniture from what 'the surface- dwellers', 'the up-siders' or whatever term they choose for them throw away... Since this is a good moment to break the fourth wall and introduce the people present, we will: Ï Ï Ï Ï Ï Ï The bored-looking man lounging on what was obviously once an expensive armchair is Blumberg the Sorcerer. They say that if you never change style you'll be fashionable at least twice during your lifetime and he's obviously waiting for the 1840's to make a comeback. The Chinese man to his right, with almost waist-length white hair and wearing a voluminous black Chinese robe is his current right-hand man, Wu Jing - mercenary martial artist, thief for hire and general trouble. The pale girl, dressed like a necromantic stage magicians assistant, who is sprawling on a sofa is Graveyard Sammi. Since she doesn't need to breathe any longer the snoring must be coming from someone who is awake. The bald African in an impeccable white suit and matching eye-patch, lounging on another sofa, is generally known as Ananzi. Further introductions should be unnecessary. The man wearing a gas-mask and a midnight blue trenchcoat over a ragged uniform (the military historically inclined will point out that it is, in fact, pieces from several different WW I uniforms) calls himself Lumpen. The trenchcoat flaps in a wind nobody else can feel and occasionally seems to reach towards nearby objects. The Indian giant is named Jagannath. Remember: Don't call him a thug, _those_ are worshippers of Kali, so he might take offence. Not that the modern and general definition of the word doesn't accurately describe him. This tableaux is interrupted by the entrance by a female midget dressed in a style best described as Road Warrior meets A Midsummer Night's Dream... Ï Ï Ï Ï Ï Ï The midget kneeled before Blumberg and tried to catch her breath. "I think I've found it. Just a few days after the girl's. uh...accident, another member of the circus left for Japan." Blumberg stalked up to her and lifted her by her collar: "You call THAT finding it, Mab? Finding out that someone went to Japan?" "He brought something with him", Mab gasped. "It has to be the object we're looking for..." "With alll due rrespect, sirr", Lumpen interrupted, "based on what we allrready know, this in alll prrobabillities lleads us strraight to it's currrent keeperr." "Elementary, sir", Ananzi said, "We know that only one former member of the circus currently resides in Japan. We also know his relationship to the young lady, where and when he left the circus and where he's staying." "Obviouslly", Lumpen continued, "she entrrusted it to the one perrson she knew who coulld keep it frrom Wu Jing. Herr intimate frriend Mu Tsu of the Joketsuzoku, currrently rresiding in Nerrima." "Find him, and we find everything", Ananzi finished. "As the French say 'Cherchez le canarde.'" TO BE CONTINUED...(honestly)