Okay, a little backstory to this post.
On the Cat Cafe Ranma 1/2 discussion board, there was a thread about
what people would like to see in Ranma 1/2. In amongst the suggestions
of Sasuke method of death, catpeople, hot yuri action and other stuff,
there was this idea:
---
Alternate ending to the "Ranma Gets Weak" plot :Toufuu's glasses fog up
when Kasumi enters his office.He winds up accidentally destroying the
book with the moxibustion cure.Genma and Souun BOTH commit seppuku.A
weakened-for-life Ranma becomes Ukyou's love slave.
---
Now I couldn't just pass this idea up, so I wrote the spamfic which
follows.
I wrote this in about ten minutes, gave it a quick spellchecking and
posted it. This was done in a rush, which may explain why it's so
crummy. If people's characterisations seem a bit off or the grammar is
unbearable, then I blame it on not taking my time.
I'm a slow author by nature and I'm not used to going from an idea to a
finished product in one day.
Let this be a lesson to others not to rush fics.
Ginrai asked me to post it onto the FFML, because he thought it was
funny and to draw attention away from his fic. So that's what I'm doing.
So here it is. Enjoy!
Oh, and if you're offended/not amused, blame Ginrai. It's his fault.
Again.
Eslington.
***
Torn pages.
A spamfic by Eslington.
Idea supplied by some other guy, I swear.
Normal disclaimer applies. You know, all that ownership stuff.
***
The torn pages floated to the ground, as Doctor Tofu stood shaking
before Kasumi. Everyone's face bore an expression of shock, as they
watched as the torn pieces of the Moxibustion chart floated from the
Doctor's fingers away on the prevailing wind current.
"Oh no..." said Genma. "OH GOD NO! I've got to kill myself, quick!"
"Calm down Genma," said Soun. "Just because your son is the weakest man
alive doesn't mean you have to kill yourself."
"No, it's not that!" said Genma. "Look at who's writing this fanfic!"
Soun looked.
Soun's face contorted in horror.
"AAAAAAGH!" shouted Soun. "Not him! The concept of it is terrifying to
me!."
"I know, Soun-kun," said Genma. "I've got to kill myself before I wind
up paired up with Principal Kunou, or worse!" With that, he raced off
into the distance.
"Wait for me!" shouted Soun, following his good friend Genma.
Ranma meanwhile, was standing with his mouth open, saying one thing over
and over again.
"No cure... No cure... No cure..."
Cologne frowned.
"If you can't be cured, I'm afraid that leaves you open to anyone who
wants to defeat you."
"Really?" asked Mousse. "Great!" And with that, the Myopic boy hit Ranma
in the face with a yo-yo, knocking him to the ground. "Wahoo!" cried
Mousse. "Shampoo is mine!"
"Damn!" said Cologne. "Well, I suppose I have no choice to go back to
China with you so you can tell Shampoo the good news."
Mousse smiled. "Great, we'd better get to the docks and get on the first
boat to China."
And so the blind guy and the old bag walked off as Ranma stood up from
his defeat at the hands of Duck-boy.
"Ranma..." said Akane. "Are you alright?"
"I have no choice..." said Ranma. "I am weak... Too weak to be a man."
Ranma grabbed a convenient bucket of water and splashed himself with it.
"As the weakest human alive, I must live out the rest of my life as a
woman!"
"That's it," said Akane. "I've had it with your neanderthalic, sexist
views! If you're going to stick with such stupid opinions, mired in the
Feudal era, then there's no way that I'm going to be your fiancee any
more!"
"A... Akane..." said Ranma. "I know you can't love me... as weak man..."
"I could Ranma," said Akane. "But I can't love a sexist baka. I don't
need a boyfriend to be an interesting character. I'm off to star in my
own series about a headstrong celibate female martial artist who runs a
dojo!" she declared, storming off.
Ranma turned to his final, cute fiancee. "Ukyou... I've seen you as a
friend before... But now, I need a lover. MAKE ME YOURS!"
"Ranma..." said Ukyou. "I love you too, but despite how I've been
characterised in most of Eslington's other spamfics, I'm not interested
in girls that way."
"I don't care," said Ranma as he glomped Ukyou. "I swear to be your love
slave for all time!"
"Damn," said Ukyou, annoyed at the irony of her situation.
***
A few weeks later...
***
Ukyou smiled as her friend Akane walked into her restaurant.
"Hello Akane," said Ukyou, beginning to fry Akane's usual order.
"Hi Ukyou," said Akane. "How are you?"
"I'm great," said Ukyou. "I finally got rid of Ranma."
"Really? How?" asked Akane.
"Well some gambler guy turned up yesterday asking for my dad's Yatai and
Ranma's dojo."
"But that's my dojo," said Akane.
"Yes, and I don't have the yatai any more because of Genma, may he burn
in hell."
***
"AH-CHOO!"
"Genma, please don't sneeze like that. I don't want to spend my
afterlife with a cold you know."
"Sorry Soun-kun."
***
"So," said Ukyou, "I just gave him Ranma as a sex slave and that was
that."
"Nice," said Akane.
"How are you then?" asked Ukyou.
"Pretty good. Since father left me the dojo in his will I've been able
to take on a few students. I'm hoping to go on a training trip after I
finish school and before I go to university."
The door slid open again and Ryouga collapsed inwards dramatically. "I
made it..." he said in between gasps for air.
"Ryouga, how nice to see you," said Akane. "How are you?"
"Before I answer that, answer me this," said Ryouga, his tone turning
hopeful. "Will you go out with me tomorrow night?"
Akane's expression shifted to one of shock, then one of sadness as she
shook her head. "I'm sorry Ryouga, But I've sworn off dating men until I
go to university."
"Oh," said Ryouga, his spirits falling faster than an aerodynamic lead
weight released over the surface of Jupiter.
"Hey Ryouga," said Ukyou. "I'm not busy tonight, I could go out with
you."
"Really?" said Ryouga, his spirits lifting a little.
"Yes," said Ukyou. "I've got a soft spot for hard-luck stories like
yourself."
"Thanks," said Ryouga. "I'll wait here until then."
"That was kind of you," said Akane with a smile.
"Yeah, well the guy needs a break for once in his life."
"I hope you can make him happy," said Akane. "That's something I'd like
to see."
THE END
APOLOGIES. ^_^;;;