Lusha Hibiki wrote:
I'm posting this to the ML for a friend of mine, so please send all comments
to Apollo Racer (fltadmracer@hotmail.com). Thanks!
I apologize for any bad formatting, my fanfiction formatting program pulled
a Ryoga...
~
Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi, Hajime Kanzaka, and Hitoshi Okuda/Pioneer own
the characters... I'm merely making my humble attempt at adding my attempt
at spoofing the wonderful movie by Frank Capra. My apologies to Brian
Randall and the writers succeeding him, but especially Brian. Suicide is
never a subject to take lightly in real life.
~
Oh, Woe, Woe... I said WHOA!
Akane stood at the rail of the bridge, overlooking the dark waters below.
The wind whipped the cold rain into a frenzy, soaking the girl and
plastering her hair and clothes to her body. She shivered, but as she
contemplated the watery depths she knew she was about to get a lot colder.
The corner of her mouth twitched as she thought that Nabiki would be cruel
enough to cast bets on whether she succumb to hypothermia first or to
drowning.
"I'm sorry," she said into the wind. "I'm really sorry, Ranma. I never
realized how hateful I could be towards you. All those times you were being
honest and I just didn't believe you. You'll be better off without me."
Stepped onto the rail and prepared herself for the plummet.
"Sure, go. Take the easy way out, you coward. Ruin all my good work."
She stopped and looked to the source of the voice. There stood a rather
pudgy man with a weaselly face. He had a small triangle of hair under his
lower lip that looked too carefully crafted to be real; he wore what was
obviously a cheap devil's costume and carried a plastic pitchfork.
"Who are you?" she asked. His face looked familiar... she thought she had
seen him on TV sometime during the end of October.
He stuck his chest out... though his gut seemed to stick out further... and
he proclaimed, "I am Beelzbub! I am here to show you what life would be
like without you!"
She remembered a movie like that, and her brow furrowed. "Heyyy... isn't it
supposed to be an angel showing me that?"
Beelzebub seemed a bit stricken at that. "Well... normally, yes, it would.
But you see, he... had the day off today! Yes, that's the ticket!"
Oh dear lord, please not...
Akane looked at him skeptically. He took advantage of her confusion. "Now,
are we going to see what life would be like or not?" He grabbed her arm and
waved his pitchfork. The scene shifted to what looked to be a shrine in the
countryside. A young man was sweeping the steps, a placid look on his face.
"You see? Without you in his life, those two space cops would have never
crashed in the lake next to the shrine. That princess and her sister would
still be on their home planet enjoying a nice quiet..."
"That's not my life, you jerk," she snapped at him.
"It isn't?"
"No!"
He thought for a moment. "You may be right." He waved his pitchfork again.
Once again the scene shifted to a quiet medieval looking town. "Now here
we go. If you hadn't been born, these people wouldn't have worried about
their village being destroyed by your destructive spells. They could
continue through their happy boring lives, never having to..."
Akane got angrier. "I don't recognize this place either. What kind of
idiot are you?"
Beelzebub held up his arm to fend her off. "Okay, okay, even *I* have my
off days. Let me try this again." Once more he waved his pitchfork. The
scene now revealed some kind of improv stage. There was a comedy skit going
on. A woman was being accosted by a man in a devil's costume. He was
trying his hardest to frighten her, but it was a pathetic attempt. "Uh
oh..." he muttered.
"NOW I recognize you!" Akane pointed at him and glared. "You're that guy
on that TV show. Jon Lumpits or something."
Ow.
"LOVITZ! It's LOVITZ!" Suddenly, he realized his snafu and put his hand up
to his mouth. Not surprisingly, the scene returned to that of the bridge.
His eyes started darting from side to side, looking for a way out. But he
was too late, when he looked at Akane, she had produced one of her larger
mallets.
"DEVIL NO BAKA!!" She swung her mighty mallet, clobbering Lovitz and sending
him tumbling head over heels. He lay face down, his cheap plastic cape
draped over his head. "And here I thought *I* was pathetic! Now that I see
there's someone even MORE pathetic, I realize I have a chance." She ran
across the bridge, stepping on the back of his head as she fled. "I'm going
back to apologize to Ranma!" she yelled into the night. "I can still make
things right!"
When she was gone, he raised his head and whined, "I just wanna be loved, is
that so wrooooooooong?"
All I can really manage about this one is a wounded whimper. And to point
out that I really liked 'The Critic'...
And to point out... _again_... that Durandall wrote 'It's a Woeful Life'.
Not me. I wrote the Trigun/Pokemon fusion spamfic. I wrote the SM/SM x-over
spamfic. And I'm co-writing the Unbroken Circle... but that was pure Durandall.
Anything remotely insightful is him. Not me. I don't have insight. I'm just a
raving fanboy. Pay no attention to the otaku behind the curtain.
--
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the thing to blame.