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Rob,
This was very close to perfect: heartfelt in intent and beautiful in
execution. I'm speechless; my only comment is that you had better
receive a *ton* of very responses to this story, otherwise, there's
no justice in this world. I'll e-mail you personally with a
technical rundown (grammar crap) as soon as I get home.
And because this is a public response: you! Yeah you! Read the
fic! You have? Send Rob a response already! Make it public! I
want to see a wash of white butterfly responses! Go go go go GO!
...okay, here's the stain. Hopefully, someone can do destain soon.
...chemistry and writing courses the same semester do odd things to a man's
head.
Gad. I don't know if it's because I'm taking writing courses now, or I'm
overlaying my own expectations on someone else, or what, but...
...this reads like a wonderful OAV. The _images_ you have going here are
absolutely priceless. Winter, and butterflies, and the girl with her wings
ripped off (I knew, somehow...) and people wandering around wondering what
the heck other people are thinking.
But...
(This is stain, so there has to be a but. I must admit this may seem a
rather dim view for some of you, but you should understand this has its good
points, too, it's just that everyone's going to hit those.)
I wish, I wish, I wish...
I wish it was _just_ the images. I wish the story never felt it was
necessary to tell me what people were thinking about other people.
I... can't put it much better than that. Him. Her. The English teacher. The
butterflies. Just _show_ these things. Let the reader draw the conclusions.
You've got a great cast of characters in the story, and some great images,
and that's all you really need to carry it. Either cut out the points where
Hayane and Asayaka think openly about their feelings for each other or find
a more visual and less direct way of showing it.
...oh, and either because I was skimming or because it wasn't there, the
scene on the building roof surprised the heck out of me because I didn't
find _any_ ideas before that the mystery girl might be who she was. ...sorry
if that's oblique, but I want people to read the thing without knowing
exactly what was going to happen.
This is my opinion. Nothing more. It's how _I_ think it could be made
better, and I certainly know I'm not the only member of the audience.
So what do you folks think?
--G. Falconar