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Ah! Whee! Kleptomaniacs! Sexphiles!
Actually, no! It's some C&C!
My biggest complaint is grammar-wise, as this (while always an engaging
concept) was difficult to read.
Key: ]] = Grammar correction or hint
These are not my characters, for if they were, I would be rich...which is
not the case. I use them without permission, and most likely in a way the
original creators would not contemplate. OH WELL, such is the way of
fan-fiction :) this story is NOT used for profit, just for entertainment.
Actually, I have visions of a war room, in which Takahashi, Toriyama,
Matsumoto, etc are all gathered around the table, and they say: "Hey, maybe
we should all crossover our series! Wouldn't that be cool?" And then they
go "Wait...our publishers wouldn't like that. Oh well."
Knights Return
chapter 1a
]]Chapter 1A
It was the top of Jusendo, and Akane was a doll. Either of these alone
would
have been bad enough, but there was also saffron to take into account.
That
made it critical, for saffron was standing in the way of ranma saotome's
only hope of changing Akane back.
RANMA: She's not a doll. Heck, she's uncute! Who would call her a doll?
]](This isn't a good start, it sounds funny. Try:
]] On the top of Jusendo, a fearsome battle was taking place... and then
continue.
]]Saffron is captialized. So is Ranma Saotome.
"I've got to use it!", Ranma thought to himself as he dodged another
attack
by saffron, "It will kill saffron, and I'll be able to save Akane", but
this
time around, as he prepared to unleash his most powerful attack, a single
stray thought intruded, "kill?...do I really want to kill?"
What is this "it"? Is "it" a plane? Is "it" a giant piece of cheese? Is
"it" the Moon Scepter? Or the Tenchiken? I wasn't sure.
]]Captialize the first Kill. Captialize Saffron. This entire paragraph was
a run-on sentence, by the way. Suggest
"I've got to use ______!" thought Ranma as he dodged another of
Saffron's attacks. "_____ will kill Saffron and...and I'll be able to save
Akane!"
As he prepared to unleash his most powerful attack, a single stray
thought pierced his mind. "Kill? Do I really want to kill Saffron?"
His hesitation almost cost his life, as saffron took the moment of
distraction to fire off a lot of fireballs at him. about 500 of them to be
exact. yes, that IS a bit overkill, but ranma was beginning to annoy him.
Arg. Unless you are the narrator, there are much better ways to phrase
this.
]] His hesitation almost cost him his life, as Saffron used his single
moment of destraction to pepper Ranma with hundreds of fireballs. As
Saffron took the time to recharge...
As Saffron recharged after the salvo, surprised that a mere human had been
able to avoid that much firepower, ranma saw an opening, and jumped into
the
stream of water coming from the dragons mouth, just before the dolls eyes
closed completely.
]]Capitalize Ranma. Capitalize Saffron.
Ranma held the restored Akane in his arms, and smiled at her. And for a
wonder, she smiled a beautiful smile back. Then she kissed him.
What does "And for a wonder..." mean? Do you mean "And for a moment...?"
But while the two were caught up in each other, saffron smiled an evil
smile
and released one small projectile. Unlike his previous ones, this was
tiny,
and had comparatively little power. Just enough to pierce Akane's body and
destroy her heart.
UKYO and SHAMPOO: w00t! We mean...sorry. Yeah. That was uncalled for. We
apolgize.
]]Capitalize Saffron.
This is actually a pretty nice death scene, but...
Ranma finished the kiss, and held Akane closely, looking into her eyes. He
felt a slight jump, almost a twitch, and saw Akane's expression quickly
turn
from relief to terror and pain. She opened her mouth to say something, but
instead of words, only a bit of blood came out.
He watched in slowly dawning horror as the light in her eyes slowly went
out.
Thoughts ran through his head, going a million miles a second;
Akane was dead.
It was his fault.
he wasn't fast enough.
he deserved to die.
He screamed, the wail of the lost, the cry of the dammed. He screamed the
sound of ultimate suffering.
]]Capitalize He in those two sentences.
Is this the same Sound of Ultimate Suffering(c) used by Jared Ornstead in
Mirrors Multiplied? heh.
Saffron smiled, as he watched the human suffer. "Enough of this," he
thought, " its time for him to be put out of his misery" and with that, he
readied his largest fireball.
]]Try writing these thoughts without the quotations.
Saffron smiled as he watched the human suffer. Enough of this,
he thought, it's time to put him out of his pitiful misery. With those
thoughts, he readied his largest fireball.
He gazed at her one last time, one last time before he threw his life away
in a suicide attack to destroy himself and mark her grave forever. But
Then
he saw it, the small charred hole in her back, and knew that this was not
his fault. his last coherent thought for a while was that saffron must
die.
Then he knew only rage.
]]Uncapitalize Then. Capitalize "His last coherent..."
He screamed again, but where the first was filled with loss and grief,
this
contained hate and rage. As he screamed, his aura exploded, shinning like
a
star on top of the mountain, destroying the pool he was standing in, and
leaving a crater 30 feet wide. when the dust cleared, it revealed an
incredible sight.
]]Capitalize "When the dust..."
]]Try: As the dust cleared, a wondrous sight to behold revealed itself.
RANMA: Cool. Super-Saiyan 3 Ranma!
Ranma's hair had gone pure white, and his aura, while diminished from "new
star" level, was still almost painful to look at.
Once there was this kid who got into an accident and couldn't come to
school,
But when he finally came back his hair had turned from black into bright
white
as if this wasn't enough, he was floating in mid-air, 30 feet above the
ground, with and expression of anger on his face.
then A gigantic fireball slammed into him, raising more dust and obscuring
the view again.
when the dust began to settle over the now 50 foot crater, it revealed a
scene similar to the first, but this time he looked REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
angry.
Okay...suggestions:
]]Ranma's hair had turned from deepest black to purest white, and his aura,
while diminished from the blinding sight it was to behold moments before
still appeared painful to look at. It was almost as though that was not
enough for him, as Ranma's body was suspended thirty feet above the ground,
and upon his face a look of fiercest anger reigned.
]]Then a gigantic fireball slammed into him, obscuring Ranma from view once
again....
]]Don't capitalize REALLY. Try extremely. Inordinately. Any number of
words are synonyms for very:
Entry Word: very
Function: adjective
Text: 1 to a high or exceptional degree <a very successful meeting>
Synonyms ||awful, awfully, ||big, ||crazy, damned, ||dreadful, dreadfully,
eminently, exceedingly, exceptionally, extremely, greatly, highly, hugely,
insatiably, ||larruping, ||main, mightily, mighty, ||monstrous,
||mortacious, mortally, most, much, notably, parlous, pesky, ||pure,
rattling, remarkably, right, ||right smart, snapping, so, spanking, staving,
strikingly, super, surpassingly, terribly, thoroughly, too, vitally,
whacking, whopping
Entry Word: excessive
Function: adjective
Text: 1 going beyond a normal or acceptable limit <spend an excessive amount
on clothes>
Synonyms dizzy, exorbitant, extravagant, extreme, immoderate, inordinate,
sky-high, steep, stiff, stratospheric, supernatural, towering,
unconscionable, undue, unmeasurable
Related Word boundless, limitless, unbounded; over, overboard, overmuch,
overweening; super
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Levine
Patch Monkey
"For this afternoon's show, we'll drown two schoolchildren." -Tom Servo.
patchmonkey@patchmonkey.net jlevine@wam.umd.edu
maddhatter@earthling.net jerry@jancomm.com
AIM: maddxhattr
http://www.patchmonkey.net