Wow... it's been ages since I sent the first two parts of this... I
should have them up on my webpage soon, but for right now, you'll just
have to remember the first two parts. Don't worry... there's a recap of
what's already happened.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE
THE OAVing - PART 3
NACHO: Here we are, back again for another round of comments and...
other stuff about Blade and Epsilon's Ran Wars: The Fandom Menace!
ACE: Again? How many times are we going to have to do this?
SHEILA: Five, I think...
ACE: Five times? Then we're not even halfway through!
NACHO: We will be by the time we finish this part, at least...
ACE: Why don't we just skip the rest and leave the story right where it
is! I like the way it ended in the last part.
NACHO: It... didn't, really.
ACE: Exactly! That's what I liked best about it!
SHEILA: But we've left our characters in a rather difficult situation on
the desert planet of Tokyo.
JUNK: Poor Tofu... he's left investigating Genma's potential powers
while Konatsu, Kiima, and Nodoka hop in the sack with Genma's mother!
SHEILA: And that airheaded Queen, the forgetful Shinnosuke and his
crybaby grandfather, and that warped Ok-chan droid are his only company.
NACHO: Not to mention Kinnosuke trying to hire Konatsu for the night...
SHEILA: When all they wanted was to get their ship repaired so they
could get to Coruscant and figure out what the heck is going on!
ACE: Right. So, wake me at Coruscant. I'll pick up then.
NACHO: Oh, no you don't! We're all going to read this fic, and we're all
going to enjoy it!
ACE: You can lead me to a fic, but you can't make me read.
SHEILA: (waves hand at Ace) I want to read the fanfic.
ACE: (mechanically) I want to read the fanfic.
SHEILA: That's better. Let's get started.
JUNK: (waves hand at Sheila) I want to take off all of my clothes.
SHEILA: Go ahead, Junk. I won't stop you.
JUNK: Cool! (starts to take off clothes)
SHEILA: On second thought... let's get started, NOW!
<BEGIN FANFIC>
(Across time and space, atop a titanic waterfall on a lush world,
a dark figure stands in a room full of electronic equipment.
-
NACHO: The room then goes over the falls, plummeting to the rocks below.
ACE: Joining the capital city of Dojo.
SHEILA: Nah. Dojo's not a lush world. It's got giant animals, the Dojo
Destroyer, a mountain full of snobby Phoenix people, and is being
invaded by the Gardening Union's bioroids.
NACHO: Thanks for the summary of the plot so far, Sheila.
-
He
walks back out the door, shoving several bioroids out of the way.
-
ACE: Well, that didn't last long, did it? Just got in, and he's already
on his way back out?
NACHO: The bioroids that he shoved fall over the edge of the waterfall
and to a watery death.
-
A heavy scowl decorates his face.)
-
NACHO: Making a startling contrast to the lipstick and earrings.
-
Kumon: Tokyo...so, the path travels full circle.
-
ACE: <Travel Agent> So, that's a round trip ticket to Tokyo, then?
-
(He storms down the hallway and out of sight. Back on Tokyo, the
sun rises on the orange-tinted sands of the endless deserts.
-
SHEILA: <Sun> (crawling on sand) Water! Water...
-
Four figures, sillhouetted by the rising sun, walk into
Kinnosuke's shop.
-
NACHO: Only three of them will walk out again.
ACE: Because the other one's sillhouettation was fatal.
SHEILA: What the heck is "sillhouettation?"
NACHO: Something to do with windows, I think...
SHEILA: (singing) Sill-houette, Jean, t'es sill-houette...
-
The alien blinks as he recognizes the three
outworlders and his slave boy.)
Kinnosuke: May I help you?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> No, you may not. You didn't say "please."
-
Kiima: (looks at Konatsu) I still don't agree with this plan.
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Then I won't help you! Sheesh! Don't have a cow about
it!
-
Konatsu: All will be well. Kinnosuke-san, we wish...to make a
wager.
Kinnosuke: (eyes light up) A wager?
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Bet mine's bigger than yours!
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Yours... wait a second... (feels Konatsu's chest) These
are fake!
-
Nodoka: (steps forward; firmly) Yes, and this time I shall do the
negotiating.
-
SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> That's fine with me! (furtive whisper) You ARE a
real woman, aren't you?
-
Kinnosuke: (smiles charmingly) That seems equitable.
Nodoka: Indeed. (pauses) It has come to our attention that this
boy is the pilot of a pod-racer.
-
NACHO: When was this?
ACE: One of the scenes they didn't show us, I suppose.
SHEILA: <Velma> It was perfectly obvious. The first clue was that wooden
puppet. It had oil stains, indicating that it had been used for
automotive work. Then there was Yo-yo the droid, obviously constructed
from materials also used in pod racers. Finally, there was the picture
of Genma riding in his pod-racer on the wall of his house.
ACE: <Daphne> Not to mention that he referred to himself as a "future
pod racing champ."
SHEILA: <Velma> Oh yeah. I overlooked that.
NACHO: <Fred> So all that remains is to see who this really is! (pulls
mask off of Genma)
ACE: <Shaggy> Like, it's the Evil Dwarf!
SHEILA: <Evil Dwarf> And I would have got away with it, too, if it
hadn't been for you screwy Jedi!
-
Kinnosuke (eyes narrow) Yes he is. (smirks slightly) What of
it?
-
NACHO: No, folks, he's not trying to look sinister. The sun's in his
eyes.
-
Nodoka: We wish to sponsor him in a race.
-
ACE: <Genma> Great! It's five dollars per mile! If I get three more
signatures, I get a cool stereo as a prize!
SHEILA: <Nodoka> A fund raiser? I don't know... What's the cause? The
Midichlorian Society?
ACE: <Genma> No, it's the Save the Jedi foundation!
-
We will put up the
entry fee, and we wish to use the racer he has recently helped
you construct.
-
NACHO: <Genma> No! Only I can pilot it!
-
(Kinnosuke rubs his chin, and then turns to address his puppet.)
Kinnosuke: Well, what do you think?
-
NACHO: <Puppet> I don't have a brain, you moron!
SHEILA: It's still probably the smartest character in the story so
far...
-
Puppet: I say we hear them out.
-
ACE: <Puppet> On second thought, you hear them out. I'm going to go take
a shower.
-
Nodoka: If he wins, you may keep all the winnings and we ask for
only two things: fuel for our ship, and... (she hesitates, then
looks at Konatsu) Are you sure about this?
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Yep. He gets to have you for the night. And I get to
film it.
-
Konatsu: If what Tofu-Wan told me last night is true, I am more
than sure.
Kiima: (snorts) Human rubbish...
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> (surprised) THAT'S what you want? Human rubbish?
Well... I'm about as trashy as you get! C'mere, baby!
-
Nodoka: (turns back) We want fuel...and the boy.
-
JUNK: I knew it! She's a child molester!
-
(Genma stares at Konatsu in shock.)
-
SHEILA: Why? Nodoka's the one who wants him!
-
Kinnosuke: Why the boy?
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> (sighs) Must I explain this to you again? Look, it's
quite simple. When a man and a woman fall in love, they want to express
that love -
SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> That's all right. I know all about that.
JUNK: Damn! And I was just getting to the good part!
-
Konatsu: Because... (Kiima cuts her off by battering her face
with a wing)
-
NACHO: She didn't just cut him off... she cut his HEAD off!
ACE: <Kiima> Oh, yeah. Forgot I had that concealed knife grafted into my
wing.
-
Kiima: If the boy's freedom is at stake, he has a vested interest
in winning and won't throw the race.
Genma: Damn right I won't!
-
SHEILA: <Genma> I'll just throw a temper tantrum! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!
NACHO: You'd think, for a guy who claims to be a future racing champ, he
wouldn't NEED the extra incentive to win a race...
-
Kinnosuke: And if he loses?
Konatsu: You get our ship. (Nodoka winces)
-
ACE: She's got a right to wince! It's HER ship!
NACHO: You mean the Queen's ship...
SHEILA: Shhh! No spoilers!
-
(Kinnosuke looks thoughtful, then engages in a short whispered
conversation with his puppet.
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> If we whisper to each other before we speak, it makes
us look more intelligent.
NACHO: <Puppet> No, it makes YOU look insane for talking to an inanimate
object!
-
Finally, both nod and look up.)
Kinnosuke: I'll agree, on one condition.
-
NACHO: <Kinnosuke> You will leave this place and never bother me again!
ACE: <Kinnosuke> TWO! Two conditions! You will leave this place and
never bother me again and you must promise.. THREE! You will leave this
place AND never bother me again AND promise not to come begging for help
and supplies... FOUR! Wait, can we start again?
ALL: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BIOROID INQUISITION!
-
Nodoka: Which is?
-
JUNK: <Kinnosuke> You will all be my love-slaves!
ACE: <Genma> What, even me?
NACHO: <Genma> No way I'm losing that race now!
-
Kinnosuke: (smirks) If he loses, one of you will enter my
service.
-
JUNK: Ha! I was right!
-
Kiima: Out of the question!
Konatsu: I agree.
Nodoka: (stares at her) Are you insane!?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Of course not. You're the one who will enter his
service, not me.
-
Konatsu: The boy will win; of this I am certain.
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Only fools are certain!
NACHO: <Puppet> Are you certain of that?
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Of course! (pause) AAAAAARGH! Outwitted by a puppet!
-
Kinnosuke: (laughs) It's a done deal, then. The podrace is
tomorrow.
-
SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> Then the pole vaulting will take place on Monday,
and the marathon Tuesday... are you writing all this down?
ACE: <Puppet> Sure. I'm carving it into my chest.
-
I suggest you decide who shall be my new slave amongst
yourselves! (still chuckling, he walks out back)
-
SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> (rubs nose, walks over to door, resumes chuckling,
walks out)
-
Konatsu: (facing double glares)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Guess I'd better lay off the booze... I'm sheeing
double!
-
Do not worry; if the worst
happens, I shall give myself up. But the worst will not happen,
of that I am sure.
-
ACE: In a fic with so many misunderstandings, it's refreshing to meet
someone who's so sure of everything.
-
Kiima: You stupid self-sacrificing idiot! To think I left my
people because of you! (storms out)
-
SHEILA: She didn't! She left because Saffron ordered her to!
-
Nodoka(coldly): The Queen would not approve of this.
Konatsu: (starts)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (finishes)
ALL: THE END!
-
Oh dear, I think you're right. We never once
consulted her on any of this! (she bites her lip)
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Ow! Hey! I was just pointing out a fact; no need for
violence!
JUNK: <Nodoka> Actually, this is kind of kinky... how does it taste,
Konatsu darling?
ACE: <Konatsu> Oddly... like Tofu.
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Funny, I was expecting chicken. That's what I had for
lunch.
ACE: <Konatsu> Not tofu... Tofu-Wan!
-
Do you think
she'll be quite angry with me?
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Of that, I am certain.
-
Nodoka: (blink) You... (laughs) You're a very funny person, for
a Jedi.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> You're a very rude person, for a servant.
SHEILA: <Nodoka> (laughs) That's what I'm talking about! Classic!
(pause) Hey...
-
Konatsu: (smiles) Why, thank you. (seriously)
-
ACE: So if he's being serious AFTERWARD, the "thank you" was insincere,
right?
SHEILA: That's why he doesn't have any friends. He just doesn't
appreciate anyone.
-
No, but really,
how should I break this to her highness?
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> Bring her your head on a silver platter. That will save
her the trouble of ordering it.
ACE: So she can save that effort for ordering a pizza.
-
Nodoka: (giggles) I'll take care of it.
(The two walk out; Genma looks after them a moment with a
contemplative expression on his face before following.
-
JUNK: <Genma> This is better than the Spice Channel!
-
That
evening, we see Konatsu standing outside the house of Genma and
his mother, staring up at the stars.)
-
ACE: <Konatsu> What's with that red one that just keeps getting bigger
and bigger...
-
Konatsu: May the Force be with him...
-
NACHO: <Force> KONATSU, MY WORK FOR YOU IS THROUGH. FROM NOW ON, I AM
STRONG WITH THIS ONE.
-
(Genma walks out, sitting on the wall next to Konatsu. The Jedi
smiles amiably at him.)
Genma: You're the first person like you I've ever met.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> You think I'm like me? Well, that's a surprise!
ACE: Normally, you find people like Konatsu around every street corner!
JUNK: I find people like Konatsu very disturbing!
-
Konatsu: Some call me a unique specimen. Kiima-san, at least,
seems to agree with that.
-
NACHO: But she would never admit agreeing with a human.
ACE: <Kiima> You're wrong! Of course I would!
-
Genma: Why are you putting so much trust in me?
-
SHEILA: Because he doesn't know any better!
-
Konatsu: (pauses) How well did you know your father?
-
<FLASHBACK>
GENMA'S FATHER: Come on, son! Be a man!
GENMA: (panting) How does running away from rabid wolves with two-ton
weights attached to my feet make me a man?
GENMA'S FATHER: When you have a son of your own, you'll understand...
*
GENMA: Hey, pop, why are we leaving Makura behind and running away with
her noodle cart?
GENMA'S FATHER: Which would you rather have? Makura, or the noodles?
GENMA: Makura, of course! We're friends!
GENMA'S FATHER: Then let this be a lesson to you... You can't always
have what you want! And never let your stupid son know that the girl he
loves to play with is his fiancee!
*
GENMA'S FATHER: Remember, son... if you ever get married, your wife will
let you get away with anything if you promise to commit seppuku if she's
not satisfied. Then just run away until she's satisfied.
<END FLASHBACK>
NACHO: <Genma> I shared a close relationship with him...
-
Genma: Not very well. He left when I was pretty young...does
this have something to do with the Jedi?
Konatsu: Yes it does. (looks up)
-
ACE: <Konatsu> All Jedi must kill their fathers. It's our hazing ritual.
-
You see, I think your father
was a Jedi. A very special Jedi, a Jedi Ninja. The -last- Jedi
Ninja.
-
SHEILA: Zool!
-
Genma: You're joking.
Konatsu: (shakes head) No I'm not. You see, the Jedi power runs
in three different bloodlines.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> The arteries, the veins, and the caterpillers.
SHEILA: Don't you mean capillaries?
NACHO: Aw... I kind of like the idea of Jedi Caterpillers!
ACE: <Jedi Caterpiller> The power of the silk is strong with this one...
NACHO: <Moth Vader> Come to the Butterfly side of the cocoon!
-
The Sages are the scholar class,
the Samurai are the protector class and the Ninja were the
warrior class. But in peace, the Ninja became uneccessary, and
over the years their bloodline thinned until only one remained.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> He had a heart attack and died. Now do you see how fatty
foods thin the bloodlines and cause cardiac arrest?
SHEILA: They're called blood VESSELS, actually...
-
That one departed from the Council years ago... (she turns back
to Genma) Two years before your birth.
-
NACHO: <Genma> So that would have been when I was... (counts on fingers)
six years old!
-
Genma: Wait, you're saying my dad was a great warrior? (pauses)
That'd explain the tricks he taught me.
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Wanna see? Pick a card, any card... no, not that one!
NACHO: <Gambling King> Why not? All the cards are aces in MY deck!
-
Konatsu: Taught you?
-
ACE: <Genma> Well... more like, "used repeatedly on me until I was able
to figure out how to do them myself."
-
Genma: He trained me in a defence art when I was just learning to
walk...
-
NACHO: <Genma's Father> Remember that walking thing you learned? Well,
do it a lot faster, and away from your opponent.
SHEILA: <Genma's Father> Well done. You have mastered the incredible
Flight of the Yellow-Bellied Chicken technique. Use it well, my son.
-
Konatsu: I see. (nods) That confirms it. The Ninja blood runs
in you. Only the child of a Jedi may learn to use the Force.
-
NACHO: Is this that caste system they're always on about?
-
When you win that race, I shall take you to the Council and they
will train you to be a true Jedi. (pauses) Well, that and the
blood tests we ran on you. (laughs nervously)
-
NACHO: And what was that last comment in reference to?
ACE: They'll train him to be a true Jedi and a blood tester.
-
Genma: You seem pretty sure I'll win.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> After you hang out with me for a while, you'll
discover that I'm sure about everything.
-
Konatsu: You underestimate yourself. With the Force as your
ally, you can never truly lose.
Genma: I... (pauses) Konatsu, you're the first person ever to
believe in me, you know that?
-
ACE: <Genma> Even I didn't believe in myself until you came along!
SHEILA: Then why did he call himself a "future pod racing champ?"
-
Konatsu: (laughs) Then I am just the first to see you for what
you are!
Genma: Thanks.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (still laughing) A little punk who's going to grow up
into a big jerk and become an evil warlord! Ha ha!
SHEILA: <Genma> Thanks... for nothing!
-
Konatsu: I think you should get some sleep for the race tomorrow.
Genma: Oh yeah, right. Bye! (runs in)
(A figure drops silently from the roof and walks into view. It
is Kiima; backlit by the light from the house, she makes a
striking silhouette.)
-
ACE: <Konatsu> It's a bird! It's a plane!
NACHO: <Kiima> No, it's a bowl of french fries! Geez, you really stink
at the shadow puppet game!
SHEILA: Kinnosuke, on the other hand, knows far too much about puppets.
-
Kiima: Was all that true?
Konatsu: (blinks) How long were you listening in?
Kiima: Long enough.
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> I meant how much time... get your hand off of my pants,
please.
-
Was everything you said true?
Konatsu: A Jedi does not lie.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> However, I am not really a Jedi.
-
Kiima: (snorts) I knew the Jedi are fools already, no need to
confirm it.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> No! I will confirm it whenever I want!
-
Konatsu: You carry bitterness in your heart, Kiima-san.
(grabbing her hand, she looks her in the eyes) Let it go. You,
surely you, can rise above that?
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> Well, of course! These wings aren't just for show.
-
Kiima: (pulls hand away quickly; snaps)
-
NACHO: Yep... Kiima-baby's gone over the edge.
-
This isn't about me!
This is about the boy.
Konatsu: I see.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> (bows head) Then you're calling off our engagement to
elope with him?
-
Kiima: If his father was a Jedi...whatever, where is he now?
Anna said the man left them years ago...
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Yes, I did... I mean... damn.
-
Konatsu: That, Kiima-san, is a very good question.
-
ACE: <Alex Trebek> Our judges accept it... choose another category.
-
(Meanwhile, a ship exits hyperspace just above Tokyo. It is a
sleek craft, with a tapered nose leading to a ball cockpit
-
JUNK: It's Dr. Evil's moon rocket!
-
with
angled solar panels on each side of it. In the pilot's seat,
Darth Kumon looks out over the brown-orange ball below.)
-
NACHO: <Kumon> So, this is a cross between football and basketball? How
does it work?
-
Kumon: So, I return at last... (he starts as a tone sounds,
-
ACE: <Answering machine> I said, wait for the tone BEFORE you start!
-
and a
tiny translucent blue image of a cloaked dwarf appears)
-
SHEILA: It's an exact scale image.
-
Master?
Dwarf: How goes the hunt?
Kumon: Well. I shall have the girl soon enough.
-
JUNK: <Dwarf> Good. Remember to bring protection and she can't sue you
later.
-
Dwarf: It is pivotal to my plans that she come willingly,
apprentice.
Kumon: (smiles) As I came to you, so shall she.
-
JUNK: <Kumon> On her knees, unclothed, covered in thick maple syrup.
SHEILA: Picturing Kumon like that is just disturbing!
JUNK: Then don't! Picture Nodoka like that... delicious!
-
When the Jedi
fail to save her people, she will burn with vengeance towards
them.
-
NACHO: Is he talking about Kiima, then?
ACE: Well... he said burn with vengeance, not just burn.
-
Dwarf: Excellent. (the hologram blinks out of existence)
Kumon: (softly) Yes, old man, she shall burn with vengeance like
I did. Then she and I will tear down the council together,
-
NACHO: <Kumon> And then we'll tear it apart!
-
and
my revenge will be complete. And you, old pervert, will no
longer be necessary. (the ship descends into the night sky)
-
ACE: <Kumon> You idiots! Why did you build the ship upside down? The sky
is supposed to be ABOVE us!
-
(The day of the race comes soon, which isn't surprising as it was
only a day away.
-
NACHO: Another Little Orphan Genma reference, obviously.
-
Above the starting line rises a large stadium,
filles to capacity with spectators.
-
SHEILA: So, all of the spectators were French girls?
JUNK: HUBBA HUBBA! I want to go to the races!
ACE: <Chico Marx> Say, mister! Wanna hot tip onna the next race?
-
In the pits below, dozens of
vehicles are being towed into place,
-
NACHO: Not a single one of them capable of being driven into place, I
suppose.
-
each a small cockpit linked
to a duo of engine pods that are themselves linked only by a band
of purple electricity.
-
NACHO: <Physicist> Well, here's your problem! The wavelength of this
electricity is way too low!
-
At the smallest and most shoddy-looking
pod on the field, Genma is adjusting a few components and making
last minute alterations.
-
ACE: <Genma> Yes... the fuzzy dice work best on the left side.
-
Nearby are Nodoka, Kiima and Konatsu.
Genma's mother Anna stands not far off on an elevator platform,
looking proud.)
-
SHEILA: <Anna> After years of being unable to see my son in the races...
ACE: <Anna> I finally figured out which button is up!
-
Konatsu: Remember, let the Force guide you.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (slyly slips Genma a map) Don't tell anyone the true
Jedi secret.
-
Genma: Yeah, yeah.
(An alien pilot with several tentacles walks by.)
Pilot: Well, Genma, isn't it? (smirks) Finally decided to live up
to your boasts?
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Nah, I think I'll lose this race too. I'm looking
forward to having someone else slaving for Kinnosuke along with me.
-
Genma: Ha! I'll beat you easy, Mondrel!
-
NACHO: <Genma> You'll be real sorry! Total humiliated! Complete wiped
out!
SHEILA: We get the idea...
-
Mondrel: You wish, human. (walks away laughing)
Kiima: (suspiciously) I thought you were a famous podracer.
-
ACE: <Genma> Of course! Never said I was famous for being the BEST
podracer...
SHEILA: <Kiima> (eyes narrow) Just what ARE you famous for?
ACE: <Genma> Most accidents in a single race... fifty time champion!
-
Genma: Oh, I am. Everyone knows about me.
Kiima: How many races have you won?
-
NACHO: <Genma> Podracers have to be in RACES? I must have missed that in
school...
-
Genma: None yet.
Kiima: (eyes narrow) You at least placed well?
-
ACE: <Genma> Yep! I accept my last place finish proudly every time!
-
Genma: Oh no, I've never done that either.
Kiima: Have you ever -finished- a race?
-
NACHO: <Genma> Have I ever! By the time I'm done piling up podracers in
the middle of the track, the race is finished, believe me!
SHEILA: Actually, that could be a good thing for him.
NACHO: <Genma> Not really... I'm always at the bottom of the pile!
-
Genma: (laughs) Of course not. I've never been in one before!
Kiima: WHAT!? (flails her claws at him, but Konatsu holds her
back)
-
ACE: By the wings, which rip off, allowing her to claw Genma's face off.
-
You little brat! I should tear you apart!
Konatsu: Look at the bright side, Kiima-san. At least he has a
flawless record. (beam)
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Actually, my record beam is kind of crooked... I didn't
think a thirty foot drop would hurt it! Honest!
-
Kiima: (stares at Konatsu) I...have no response to that.
(Shaking her head, she walks away to join Anna.)
Nodoka: At least you've gotten a lot of practice, right?
-
JUNK: <Genma> (looks Nodoka up and down) I'd like to get more... how
about it?
ACE: <Genma> I've almost beaten the Dreamcast version of Pod Racer...
does that count?
NACHO: <Nodoka> Only if that isn't a Game Shark sticking out of your
pocket.
-
Genma: Oh no, I'm too young to be sponsored by anyone! (smiles)
Actually, this is the first time I've been to the race track.
-
ACE: Genma's father didn't take him? Now THERE'S a surprise!
NACHO: I'm sure he knew at least ten ways to cheat at the betting booth.
-
Nodoka: ...
Announcer: (booming over PA)
-
SHEILA: They never should have let Hugo the Exploding Pig be the guest
commentator.
-
Hello, gentlebeings, and welcome to
today's fabulous podrace! We promise you mayhem on the
motorcourse as our racers duke it out for the title at supersonic
speeds!
-
NACHO: Well... "Ran Wars: The Fandom Menace" is quite a nifty title, but
do they really want to fight over it?
-
And with this crew, mayhem means CARNAGE!
-
NACHO: Actually, it means "1 a : willful and permanent deprivation of a
bodily member resulting in the impairment of a person's fighting ability
b : willful and permanent crippling, mutilation, or disfigurement of any
part of the body 2 : needless or willful damage or violence" according
to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary.
SHEILA: You had time to look that up in the middle of the fanfic?
NACHO: I used the Force...
ACE: Nah. You used the Pause button.
NACHO: I used the Force to push the Pause button.
-
That's right
folks, crashes, bashes, explosions and mutilations abound as our
racers are smashed into the many obstacles on our track, which
has earned the reputation of "The Pilot Shredder"!
-
NACHO: Considering that this is the pilot of OAV 42, this is cause for
concern.
ACE: Nah. It's not "The Pilot Shredder." It's only earned the original
Pilot Shredder's reputation.
-
(Genma's eyes widen in shock at this announcement, and the colour
drains from his face as the crowd erupts in cheers.)
Genma: Explosions? MUTILATIONS!? Geez, I could get killed!
-
ACE: And yet he's most worried about the mutilations, not the deaths...
SHEILA: It's okay. Tell him it's only an anime. The worst that will
happen is that he'll turn black or get bent into an uncomfortable
position until the scene change!
-
Konatsu: Well yes, that seems to be the general idea, isn't it?
Genma: If I'd known this stuff was involved, I never would've
agreed to this!
Konatsu: The Force will protect you.
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Will it really?
ACE: <Konatsu> Yes, of course. For only $300 a month, you can buy our
basic insurance policy...
-
Genma: Forget the Force. (crosses arms) I ain't doin' it!
(Nodoka leans down in front of him, smiling in a pleasant
manner.)
-
JUNK: <Genma> (smiles in a perverted manner)
NACHO: <Nodoka> (quickly straightens up, covering chest)
-
Nodoka: That's alright, Genma. I'll just have to shove you in
the turbines instead. (continues to smile cutely)
-
ACE: <Genma> Ha! There's no room in there with the trained hamsters!
-
Genma: (sweatdrop) On second thought, I think I'll go ahead and
pilot it after all.
Konatsu: (oblivious)
-
SHEILA: And when is he NOT?
-
That's it, you kids play nice.
(After a moment, the Jedi and Nodoka walk back to the elevator
where Anna, Kiima and Kinnosuke wait.)
Konatsu: This should be fun.
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Yes... it SHOULD be... but it won't.
NACHO: <Puppet> He didn't pay the five extra bucks "fun cover charge."
-
Kinnosuke: (laughs) From the expressions on your friend's faces,
I see you know the truth.
-
NACHO: Which friend is it with the multiple faces?
SHEILA: It's Konatsu! We all know he's a two-faced liar!
-
Konatsu: I suppose we do.
Kinnosuke: (to his ever-present puppet) What shall I do with my
new spacecraft and slave, hmm?
-
NACHO: <Puppet> Trade them for a more willing puppet?
-
Puppet: Horde them like the greedy miser you are?
Kinnosuke: (flat look) I prefer the term "thrifty".
-
SHEILA: There are more appropriate terms... nothing polite, though.
-
Kiima: (sweatdrop) They just keep getting weirder...
(Out on the field, Genma is powering up his racer when a familiar
card-shaped man waddles up to him.)
King: So, Genma...finally entering, eh?
-
NACHO: <Genma> No, just powering it up right now. I'll get in when the
race is about to start.
-
Genma: (smirks) Scared, King? Your unbeaten record's gonna fall
today.
-
ACE: <Genma> Mondrel's in this race! He'll kick your backside!
SHEILA: I think the phrase is "kick your ass."
ACE: Not for the King, it isn't.
-
I built this podracer with my own hands!
King: (pulls back, looking shocked)
-
NACHO: <King> Oh, it's a podracer... I thought it was the refueling
pump!
-
[This boy could be a threat!
I'd better...] (smiles evilly) [...change the odds.] Good luck
to you then, Genma.
-
ACE: <King> HAHAHA! Now all that remains is to call the Scottish play by
name and he'll fail for sure!
-
(backs away slowly) You try hard, now!
(backs up again) May the best being win! (backs up...and
discretely sticks a razor sharp playing card into a piece of
delicate-looking machinery on the pod)
-
NACHO: <Genma> (looks up) Thanks... I needed something to hold the door
shut!
-
Bye now! (runs off)
Genma: Gee, what a good sport! (smiles) I guess his reputation
isn't earned after all.
-
SHEILA: Definitely not. He gambled for it.
-
Announcers: All the racers seem to be ready...
(Close-up shots of all the major figures flash by in a cheap
attempt to heighten the tension.)
-
ACE: Which fails miserably, this being a highly non-graphical fanfic.
-
Announcer: ...and...the signal is GO!
(The pods scream off, snapping from the block at supersonic
speeds with waves of dust being kicked up in their wakes. Genma
takes an early lead, and after a treacherous, dangerous and
hard-fought race, finishes first.
-
SHEILA: Unfortunately, that race took place the week AFTER Genma
completely bombed this race.
-
Or that's what might have
happened, had his pod not immediately dropped into the dirt and
gone dead.)
Genma: (blinks) Oops...must have rerouted the power conduits to
the brakes instead of the afterburners...
-
NACHO: <Genma> On the upside, it does 60-0 in two seconds flat!
-
Kiima: (facepalm) We're doomed.
(Suddenly, a spark catches King's planted card, lighting it on
fire...which ignites the engines and sends the pod racing forward
at supersonic velocity.
-
NACHO: The fuel tanks are next to catch fire and explode, incinerating
Genma in a huge fireball.
ACE: <Genma> Ok-chan! Patch this hole and repair the engine!
-
Of course, Genma was busy trying to
repair the ship, so he barely recovers in time to regain control
and avoid slamming into the wall at the aforementioned supersonic
velocity.)
-
ACE: Instead, he hits the wall at an even higher supersonic velocity.
SHEILA: Kids today... you can't trust them with a pilot's license.
-
Konatsu: (beams) Trust in the Force, and it will do nice things.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Like give you flowers on Mother's Day.
-
(Everyone just stares at her. Meanwhile, King's racer-with
cardlike engines and poker chip cockpit-is just behind a red and
black racer piloted by a three-eyed alien.
-
SHEILA: King pulls up alongside the three-eyed alien to bet five hundred
on red.
-
As the two close on a
cave, King smirks and taps a button, causing a secret compartment
on his racer to open and fire a card into the cable holding one
of the racer's pods on. The ship obligingly spins out of control
and into a fiery crash.
-
NACHO: Now that the King has shot himself out of the race, Genma's got a
chance!
-
Near the back, Genma comes up to his
first opponent, the pod piloted by Mondrel. The alien, eyeing
Genma,
-
JUNK: <Mondrel> Ooh... he's pretty hot.
SHEILA: I don't think Mondrel would be interested in Genma.
JUNK: Why not? Konatsu and Tofu are having their fling...
SHEILA: Not the wrong gender... the wrong species!
-
allows him to get in close only to violently slam the
boy's racer with his own. Pieces fall off the engines, but the
racer appears to be largely unaffected.
-
NACHO: None of the pieces in Genma's engines actually contributed to the
pod's movement.
-
Gritting his teeth, the
boy spins his controls...and when Mondrel goes for another
attack, he finds that his opponent is no longer there,
-
ACE: Having crashed into the wall as a result of spinning the controls
the wrong way.
-
having
spun his racer up and over the other pod. Startled, Mondrel
attempts to regain control, but his unexpected divergence of
course causes him to slam into a large rock, with the result of
his craft exploding spectacularly.)
-
NACHO: Well, there's no lack of explosions, at least.
-
Konatsu: See? Genma is a gifted pilot!
Anna: That...that move...
Kiima(grudgingly): Impressive, I'll admit.
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> You think THAT'S impressive? Look at THIS!
NACHO: <Kiima> (looks) (laughs) No... Genma was MUCH more impressive
than that!
SHEILA: Never thought we'd be saying that of Genma...
-
Anna: It's so DANGEROUS! (grabs Konatsu by the throat) How dare
you put my son in that race! (chokeslam) He could be KILLED!
(suplex) You Jedi jerk! (headlock)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> It's not as dangerous as watching from the stands!
-
Konatsu: I...can...explain...
(Back at the race, Genma has steadily moved up, and is about
halfway through the pack as they pass the first lap.
-
ACE: <Genma> (lights up) Damn, halfway through the pack already! I'll
have to stop at 7-11 on the next lap!
-
At the
front of said pack, King tosses a handful of poker chips over his
shoulder which are sucked into the engine intakes of the pilot
who was gaining on him, with explosive results.
-
SHEILA: <King> So THAT'S where the explosive chips went... no wonder my
opponents in poker won so much!
-
Meantime, Genma
has found himself behind two large racers who effectively block
his way. After several futile tries to get past, his eyes
suddenly widen.)
-
NACHO: That will only make it harder for him to fit between them...
-
Genma: That's it! The technique! (he grabs the pod controls
more firmly, a look of concentration on his face) Umisenken
Driving Special!
-
ACE: <Genma> (sticks up middle finger at road hogs)
-
(Suddenly, Genma's racer disappears, reappearing a moment later
in front of the two pilots. Startled by this, the two forget how
close their machines are and tangle the cables together...well,
the rest isn't pretty.
-
NACHO: I should say not... if they'd learned how to tie knots in Alien
Scouts, things would have gone a lot more smoothly.
-
Genma grins and hits the afterburner.)
Kiima: What!? What -was- that?
-
SHEILA: <Kinnosuke> (scratches head) I didn't know he had an
afterburner! He must have stolen it from me!
-
Konatsu: The secret technique of the Jedi Ninja...blocking their
presence from others! (clenches her fist) And that is only the
tip of the iceberg!
-
NACHO: I knew it! The Jedi Ninja were responsible for the sinking of the
Titanic!
-
Anna: (strangling Konatsu from behind) I haven't finished
pummeling you yet!
Konatsu: Gack...help...me...
-
SHEILA: <Gack> Sorry, pal. My wife's already got my number over here!
-
Nodoka: ... (rubs her chin thoughtfully)
(The second lap ends and the final one begins, with Genma only
three lengths behind King.
-
NACHO: Those lengths being a mile, a light-year, and a parsec.
-
A few stragglers follow in their wake
as they scream onto the flats. The playing-card-like alien
scowls as he sees Genma slowly gaining on him.)
-
ACE: <King> He'd better hurry up and catch up, or I'll win this race
before getting to pull a dirty trick on him!
-
King: Oh no...not my perfect record, boy! I have a hefty sum
riding on this race!
(He hits a button, causing a card to fly from his racer and slice
through a tall stone obelisk.
-
NACHO: Leaving a tiny card-sized slot through the obelisk that doesn't
have a hope of damaging the structural integrity.
-
It falls towards Genma, who grits
his teeth and accelerates, squeaking past the collapsing pillar.
Several other racers aren't as fortunate.)
King: Curses!
-
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> No, sorry, I don't have anything that will help you.
You'll have to stick with the dirty tricks.
-
Genma: That was too close!
(King hits another button as they enter the caves, and dozens of
cards shoot out from his cockpit back at his foe. Genma "eeps"
and frantically spins the conrols...
-
NACHO: <Genma> I've got conrols in this thing? How did they get here?
(pause) What the heck is a conrol anyway?
SHEILA: Prison bread.
NACHO: <Genma> Ah, good. I could use a snack. (eats conrol while cards
slice his podracer to ribbons)
-
and the backwash from his
engines blows away the projectiles. His pod continues to spin
erratically, barely avoiding smashing into several objects in the
cave.)
-
NACHO: Then you look at the number of objects he DIDN'T avoid smashing
into...
-
Kinnosuke: Woah! What skill!
Kiima: (grunt) Looks more like he was trying to run away to me.
Nodoka: (nod) You're probably right.
-
ACE: <Nodoka> This is Genma we're talking about, after all...
-
(Genma finally regains control of the pod as they exit the caves,
and is again closing in on King's heels. His opponent growls and
pulls out another handful of poker chips, which he tosses back at
Genma.)
-
SHEILA: <King> They're worth thousands! Just take them to the cashier
and you'll be a rich boy!
ACE: <Genma> (grabs at chips, misses) Whoops. Looks like throwing the
race is out now...
-
Genma: Oh no, not this time you don't! (raises in the cockpit)
HAKU DATO SHIN SHO!
(His hands begin moving, so fast they appear to be only a blur.
-
NACHO: Leaving the blur in place, he pulls a cup of coffee out of the
glove compartment, takes a sip, then returns to his waving.
-
Amazingly, despite the blows not even extending past his cockpit,
the chips are all blown back as if by a strong wind. King
goggles as they fly forward...straight into his own engines,
which promptly explode.
-
SHEILA: That'll teach him never to buy American!
-
As his cockpit bounces to a halt in the
dirt, he stares in shock as Genma bursts past and screams past
the finish line in first place.)
-
NACHO: <Genma> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
ACE: <Genma> Stop this thing! I want to get off!
-
Announcer: By all that is! What an upset victory, folks!
-
SHEILA: King's definitely upset about it.
-
(Genma cheers and leaps out of his pod...which, unfortunately, he
neglects to stop first, so that it continues merrily on to slam
into the wall.
-
NACHO: So it's only slightly worse off when he's NOT in the cockpit...
-
He ducks and covers as pieces fly past him.
Meanwhile, the elevator with its familiar occupants descends
towards the pit.
-
SHEILA: <Keanu Reeves> Come on, lady! Give me your hand and I'll pull
you out of there!
-
Anna is dancing around cheering while Konatsu
tries to catch her breath next to the central pillar. Kiima,
Nodoka and Kinnosuke are in increasingly bigger states of shock,
respectively.
-
ACE: <Kiima> Konatsu, out of breath?
NACHO: <Nodoka> Anna, dancing and cheering?
JUNK: <Kinnosuke> More lonely nights with just Puppet to keep my bed
warm?
-
Genma runs up, and his mother twirls him around,
both laughing with excitement. At that point King shows up,
looking steamed.)
King: This boy cheated! I was robbed! I demand satisfaction!
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Fortunately for you, I happen to be a traveling
satisfaction salesman.
SHEILA: Kudos to anyone who recognizes THAT reference...
-
Kiima: (deadpan) You're one to talk.
King: That boy is a no-good cheating...
-
NACHO: Give him time... his skill at cheating will improve over the
years.
-
(An incoming podracer slams into him full force and sends him
careening into the distance.)
-
SHEILA: <King> Looks like I'm blasting off agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!
(ding)
-
Konatsu: Well, I guess we win the wager, Kinnosuke-san.
Kinnosuke: (mouth still hanging open) ...
Nodoka: You aren't going to renege on us now, are you?
-
ACE: <Kinnosuke> Nah, I'll wait until you're safely off the planet, then
let you find out that I pulled a switcheroo on you...
-
Kinnosuke: (regathers himself) No. I will honour the bet. The
fuel and the boy are yours.
Puppet: After all, we still turned a considerable profit on the
deal.
-
NACHO: <Puppet> ... into a considerable loss on the deal. Well done.
-
Kinnosuke: Quite true...
Anna: (pauses while swinging Genma) Wait..."the boy is yours"?
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Yep. (singing) The... boy... is... mine...
-
Konatsu: (blinks) Oh,I never told you either, did I? We wagered
the boy's freedom on the race...he's free to come with us, now!
Anna: (tears in her eyes) You...you freed my boy...
-
JUNK: <Anna> Now who's going to be my love-slave?
SHEILA: Let's all pretend we didn't hear that...
-
Konatsu: (beams happily) No need to thank me, madam, it was the
least...
Anna: (grabs Konatsu by the throat, glowing) You freed -him- and
you never even thought of freeing ME!?
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> (sporadically) I... thought... you... LIKED... bondage!
-
Konatsu: (sweatdrop) Err...that is... (carnage ensues)
(Out in the desert, a sleek, dagger-shaped craft sets down. A
moment later, Darth Kumon emerges, a wry smile showing on his
shadowy features.)
-
NACHO: Not shadowy enough, if we can see the smile.
-
Kumon: This is the last city to check.
(He strides forward, cloak flapping like a dark shadow in his
wake. Back in the slums of the decrepit city-which means they
HAVE to be bad-Konatsu and her two companions are standing a few
metres away from Genma and his mother.
-
NACHO: <Genma> Psst... Mom! Bad-Konatsu's staring at us!
ACE: <Anna> Don't worry, Genma dear. They'll never find us in this giant
city-which.
-
The boy is carrying a
pack about two sizes too large for him. Konatsu, fussing with
her bandages, calls out for Genma to come.
-
JUNK: <Genma>
SHEILA: No. He's with his mother... That's just TOO disgusting.
-
He begins walking
towards them, but pauses midway, and looks back at his mother's
tear-filled eyes.
-
NACHO: <Genma> Mom, I TOLD you not to bring the onion!
-
He stays a moment, his face wracked with
indecision, then runs back to her as her arms open to hug
him...
-
ACE: ... grabs the wallet from her pocket, and runs back to the others.
-
and he skids to a stop right before her.)
Genma: Mom, can I have an advance on my allowance this week?
-
ACE: Ooh... saw that one coming a mile away!
NACHO: <Anna> Sure... just as soon as you finish the week's chores in
advance!
-
(Anna facefaults. Nodoka, rolling her eyes, turns to Konatsu.)
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> Snake eyes again... I lose.
-
Nodoka: Why don't I go fetch the fuel while you take the boy to
the ship?
Konatsu: Sounds like a good enough plan.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> But I have a better one. I'll take the boy to the ship,
while YOU get the fuel.
SHEILA: <Nodoka> (nods) Very wise, Konatsu-sensei.
-
Kiima: I don't think she should be wandering around alone in the
city.
Konatsu: (nods) Good of you to escort her, Kiima-san.
-
JUNK: <Kiima> When I found out that she didn't want to go with a man...
I was only too happy to help!
-
Kiima: (flat look) ...and when did I offer to do that?
(Some time later, Kiima and Nodoka are walking through the town,
the latter carrying a small pack.)
-
NACHO: I've always wanted to see a town carrying a small pack...
-
Kiima: (shakes her head) This, that we went through so much to
get, and it's so...small.
-
JUNK: It's not the size of it... it's where you put it that counts!
-
Nodoka: It's rare. That's why it's expensive.
-
NACHO: <Kiima> But not as expensive as the hologram foil-covered ones.
-
Kiima: Well... (she looks up as dark shadow steps in front of
them)
Kumon: Good afternoon, ladies.
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> (taps watch) You forgot to account for the time
zones... it's evening now.
-
(Nodoka takes a step back, staring at the man. Again their eyes
lock...but this time much closer and for a good long time. The
servant girl raises a shaking hand to her heart, her breath
coming faster.
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> Oh yes! It feels so good! I can't believe I never tried
this before!
NACHO: <Kiima> Do I really have to watch this?
-
Kumon smiles at her, the expression seeming
almost out of place on his rugged features, and a trace of colour
appears on her cheeks.)
-
NACHO: <Jigglypuff> Jiggly!
-
Kiima: (flatly) Can we help you?
Kumon: (to Nodoka) I saw you hanging around with a Jedi. Are you
sure you can trust them?
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Have you seen me when I'm angry? I can throw them
pretty far...
-
Nodoka: (blinks) Wa...that is, I think so. Yes, of course.
Kumon: But the Jedi are very irresponsible...and incompetent to
boot.
-
NACHO: The most famous example being Justy Ueki Tylor.
-
They are as likely to hurt you as to help you, by their
lack of action.
Nodoka: What?
Kiima: (looking suspiciously at the stranger) Nodoka, we have to
go. Now.
-
JUNK: <Kiima> I don't think that's a lightsaber in his pants...
ACE: <Kumon> Of course it is! (takes out lightsaber)
JUNK: <Kiima> THAT is a lightsaber... so what's the bulge in your pants?
-
Kumon: I'm talking to the lady. Do you mind?
Nodoka(heated): Yes Kiima, we can afford to delay a few minutes.
-
JUNK: Just ten... no, better make that twenty minutes. Then another five
to put my clothes back on...
NACHO: I don't think she's (heated) in quite that way, Junk.
-
Kiima: (crosses arms) ...
Kumon: I mean, what have they done for you?
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> (furiously) THEY know how to keep to a schedule!
-
Nodoka: Well...they saved my life...
Kumon: No, they saved the -Queen's- life.
-
NACHO: She had those -spears- stuck in her again...
-
You saw them back on
dojo. They could wipe out the entire Union army...so why didn't
they?
-
ACE: Because the fanfic would be over if they had.
ALL: SO WHY DIDN'T THEY?!
-
Kiima: Wait a second! How do you know about Dojo!? How did you
follow us?
-
NACHO: <Kumon> I just followed Ok-chan's tortured screaming.
ACE: Sorry, Nacho, but that doesn't quite work. In space, no one can
hear you scream.
-
Kumon: (ignoring her) Don't you wish you had the their power?
-
NACHO: <Kiima> The their power? Is that more or less powerful than the
our power?
SHEILA: <Rand> The One Power conquers all...
-
You'd use it to defend your people, wouldn't you?
Nodoka: But the Jedi are pacifists, and I am no Jedi...
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> No Jedi? I thought you were No Doka! Sorry... my
mistake.
-
Kumon(intensely): And if you could be?
Kiima: (suddenly interposes herself between them) Nodoka, snap
out of it! Aren't you the least bit suspicious about him?
Kumon(hisses): This isn't your affair!
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> Right! We never invited you into our affair! Go find your
own adulterous male!
-
Nodoka: (shakes head) No...she's right. Why are you here? How
did you find us?
-
NACHO: <Kumon> I found you rather interesting at first, but you quickly
got boring.
-
Kumon: (glares at the Phoenix woman) You witch. Die.
(Kiima's eyes widen, and she throws herself to the side as Kumon
swings his fist.
-
ACE: Good thing for her this isn't a cartoon. Then she'd be running all
the way across the desert, swimming oceans, climbing mountains, locking
herself into a house... and that's where the fist was going to land all
along.
-
The blow moves so fast as to be only a blur,
and she barely evades it. His swing connects with a wall...and
the wall ceases to exist.)
-
NACHO: Giving it about as much defensive potential as the Dojo Imperial
City walls.
-
Kiima: (eyes bulge) By the God-king!
Kumon: You won't interfere!
Nodoka: (stares at Kumon) That power...
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka/Lina> I WANT IT! (fawns) Oh, Darth Kumon... can't you
show an innocent, harmless, beautiful girl like me how to do that?
-
Kiima: We've got to get out of here! (she grabs ahold of Nodoka
with a quick twist, ending the motion by snapping her wings out
and down, launching them skyward)
-
ACE: <Kiima> (watches wings fly skyward) Oops. Next time I'll buy a
better brand of glue.
-
Hold tight, Nodoka!
Kumon: (glaring after them) Not this time.
(Kiima flies fast and far, but is still forced to jerk to the
side as a lasso-like rope extends past her like a snake.
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Nyah nyah! You forgot to tie a loop in your rope again!
ACE: That's why it's a "lasso-like rope" rather than a "lasso." It's a
lasso minus the loop.
-
Kumon
snarls as the attack flies wide of its mark, and jerks his arm to
bring the rope back to his hand almost instantly. A single leap
brings him to a nearby roof, and he gives chase.)
-
ACE: In the local dialect of Tokyo, "leap" means elevator and "chase"
means a tip for the guy who runs it.
NACHO: That was a real stretch, Ace.
SHEILA: Not as much of a stretch as Kumon leaping onto the roof.
ACE: Why not? Ranma characters leap onto roofs all the time!
SHEILA: In his robes? It would be tough just to run!
-
Kiima: Damn! (evading another lasso) He's a good shot with that
thing!
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> If he were any better, he'd have caught me by now!
-
Nodoka: (wide-eyed) He's gaining on you, Kiima! He's running and
you're flying, but he's still gaining!
-
ACE: <Kumon> I drank an entire bottle of Gain before I started chasing
you!
-
He's inhuman!
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> (crossly) Something wrong with that, is there?
-
Kiima: It doesn't help that I'm carrying you as well! Now stop
squirming!
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> I can't help it! When you touch me there...
-
(another lasso clips her wing, disloging a feather,
but she retains control...barely)
-
NACHO: "Disloging?" That's where any record of its existence is removed
from the file system, right?
SHEILA: Well... maybe she's just forgotten she ever had that feather.
ACE: (puts on sunglasses) Feather inspectors, Division 6. I'd like you
to look toward my feather damage scanner and try to ignore the bright
flash.
-
Too close for comfort...
(Back at the ship, however, truly exciting things are happening.
-
NACHO: Good. I've been waiting for some excitement after that boring
chase sequence.
-
Stare in fascination as Tofu taps his foot, standing at the
ship's hatch.
-
ALL: (stare in fascination)
NACHO: I give up. What's supposed to happen?
ACE: I think if you stare long enough and cross your eyes just right,
you can see a sailboat.
-
Tremble in suspense as Konatsu and Genma plod
across the featureless landscape.
-
ALL: (tremble in suspense)
SHEILA: Junk, I can tremble perfectly well enough on my own. I don't
need your "help."
-
Gasp in shock as a pile of
sand next to the hatch suddenly explodes in violent fury, to
reveal the shuddering form of Ok-chan!)
-
ALL:
ACE: Nah, it's just not worth it.
-
Tofu: (blink) Ok-chan?
Ok-chan: Oil...need oil...
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Oh dear, we seem to be out of oil... will Crisco do?
ACE: <Ok-chan> Yes... now I can make our lunch...
-
Tofu: Oh dear. We must have left you out in the sandstorm,
didn't we?
Ok-chan: (pitifully) Oil...in the name of mercy, oil!
-
SHEILA: We don't have any oil in the name of Mercy. Just Quaker State.
-
Konatsu: (stepping up) Why don't you take him inside, Genma?
I'll be right along.
Genma: But... (sighs) Oh well. C'mon. (grabs Ok-chan and drags
him inside)
-
ACE: <Ok-chan> In THERE? With YOU? No! I want to stay outside, where
it's safe!
-
Tofu: So everything went well, I take it?
Konatsu: Better than expected, actually.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> He didn't die!
NACHO: And this from the guy who supposedly believed in Genma?
-
The Force was indeed
with us.
Tofu: (staring behind Konatsu) Isn't that Kiima?
-
ACE: <Konatsu> (sighs) No, it's the force that's inside all living
things... didn't I explain this to you before?
-
(Konatsu spins, to see the Phoenix woman winging her way towars
the ship.
-
NACHO: She's winging her way to wars the ship?
ACE: If it's a fight she wants, it's a fight she'll get!
-
She is flying erratically, the reason for which
becomes clear as the yellow cord flies up and almost catches her.
-
SHEILA: Imagine how erratically she'd be flying if it HAD caught her.
-
The two Jedi follow the path of the cord and spot the dark figure
pursuing Kiima and her passenger.)
-
SHEILA: They then unplug the cord, cutting off Kumon's power supply and
ending his pursuit.
ACE: <Ok-chan> No, actually, that's my -
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Ok-chan, you were saying something? Ok-chan? (pause)
Oh well, I guess it wasn't important.
-
Konatsu: No normal human can run that fast...
Tofu: The same dark presence I sensed on Dojo!
-
ACE: <Konatsu> You sensed a dark presence on Dojo? What did you do about
it?
NACHO: <Tofu> I fixed the light bulb, and everything was fine.
-
(Without another word the two run forward, just as the figure
snaps out his cord once again. This time, the weary Kiima does
not dodge fast enough. She cries out as it loops around her,
pinning her wings to her side.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> Aha! My butterfly collection is complete at last!
SHEILA: <Kiima> I'm not a butterfly!
ACE: Right. We already rejected the Jedi Caterpiller idea.
-
They begin to fall, but in a blur
of movement Konatsu leaps towards them, drawing her lightsaber.
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> When I shouted, "You'll never take me alive!" I was kind
of hoping you'd try to RESCUE me!
-
The snap-hiss of the white blade is accompanied by the sharp
twang of the cord rebounding back to Kumon as it is cut.
-
ACE: A snap-hiss-twang? Must be how you pronounce the ! from the title
in the original Japanese.
-
Tofu
catches the two and stands behind Konatsu as the more experienced
Jedi faces the dark stranger, her blade held up defensively.)
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Yoda? When did you get here?
ACE: <Yoda> This dismal plot must I save. The good name of the Jedi have
you disgraced!
SHEILA: Not to mention, they did refer to the more experienced Jedi as a
female...
ACE: <Yoda> (facepalms) So quickly you assume that male must a Jedi
Master be! The same mistake have all of you made!
JUNK: I just can't picture a female being THAT ugly!
SHEILA: <Cologne> Why, thank you, young man. That's the most flattering
thing I've heard in three hundred years.
JUNK: OK, I concede.
-
Konatsu: Who are you?
Kumon: (reaches into his cloak and pulls out something) Your
executioner.
-
ACE: <Kumon> This is your death warrant, signed by the Queen herself.
NACHO: <Konatsu> (stares at paper) That's not signed by the Queen...
it's signed by Queen, the twentieth-century rock group! It's an
autograph!
ACE: <Kumon> (pats down robes) I know I have the death warrant
somewhere...
-
(there is another snap-hiss)
(The brown-clad Jedi with the orange saber stands opposing the
dark warrior with the purple saber for several seconds.)
-
ACE: <Kumon> Popcorn?
NACHO: <Konatsu> (stuffs popcorn in mouth) Mmph mph.
SHEILA: <Kiima> Do you humans always talk with your mouths full?
NACHO: <Konatsu> (swallows) No... only when we're eating.
ACE: <Kumon> Well... are we just going to sit here watching the original
Star Wars all day, or are we going to have our own fight?
NACHO: <Konatsu> (sighs) Oh well... yet another pleasant diversion
wasted.
-
Konatsu: Tofu-Wan...get them out of here.
Tofu: Yes, sensei.
Kiima: (still in Tofu's grasp, her head rises)
-
JUNK: <Tofu> (pushes Kiima's head back down between his legs)
-
Wait! That man
is a monster! You're no match for him!
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> (pauses) On second thought, the two of you are a perfect
match!
-
Konatsu: Perhaps. Go, now.
(Tofu quickly turns and leaves with his two charges, and Konatsu
moves to block the Dark Jedi's advance for a second time.)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> I told you, I'm not interested in men! I just play a
woman in this fanfic!
-
Konatsu: You will go no further...
Kumon: ... (eyes narrow)
Konatsu: (smiles) ...until we shake hands!
-
NACHO: <Kumon> (spits in palm) Ha! Now let's see you shake hands with
me!
-
Kumon: (sweatdrop) Moron.
(Kumon attacks without another word, his lightsaber carving a
trail of shadowy light through the air.
-
ACE: The oxymorons turned the peaceful battle into an exciting lull in
the passive action.
-
It crashes into
Konatsu's parry with enough force to send the smaller fighter
skidding back a few feet.)
-
NACHO: <Genma> Hey! Quit bumping the ship! Ok-chan just finished
painting it!
ACE: <Ok-chan> With enough thinner, our supply of barbecue sauce went
just far enough to cover the hull.
-
Konatsu: Such strength...
Kumon: Die!
(The fight begin in earnest, with Kumon taking the advantage and
maintaining it ruthlessly.
-
SHEILA: Then Konatsu returned a serve right down the line, and they were
at deuce once again.
-
His blows are less elegant than they
are brutal, but they drive like rain and hit like hammers.
-
JUNK: And cut like cheese.
-
Konatsu desperately guards and dodges, steadily being driven
back. With each strike Kumon bellows in rage and Konatsu winces;
-
ACE: <Konatsu> What did you eat, onions?
-
the lightsaber grows unsteady in her hands as the struggle
continues.)
Tofu: By the Force... (yells into the cockpit) Take off! Take
off NOW!
-
NACHO: <Ship> I'm sorry, Tofu, but I am not a voice-activated ship. You
will have to operate the controls manually.
JUNK: Funny... sounds just like a girl I once dated.
-
Nodoka: You can't be planning to leave her down there!?
Tofu: ... (looks away) Our priority is saving her Majesty.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> We'll get her to toss the Majesty up to us as we go.
-
(Down below, Konatsu tries an aggressive parry...
-
ACE: And succeeds at failing to carry out the impromptu plan.
-
and finds her
lightsaber ripped from her hands. Before she can react Kumon
strikes, a fist straight to the chest that sends the Jedi
careening under the climbing star shuttle. Kumon's eyes widen
for a split second after the blow hits,
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> Ouch! I forgot... thumb on the OUTSIDE!
-
and a look of disgust
crosses his features.)
Kumon: Pervert.
(At that moment, Kiima leaps from the doorway of the ascending
shuttle, brandishing her sword.)
-
ACE: <Kiima> I AM NOT A PERVERT! Those pictures have artistic merit!
JUNK: <Nodoka> What pictures? I want to see!
-
Kiima: Take this!
(She hurls the blade, but he steps back and bats it aside
contemptuously. Kiima, however, takes those precious seconds to
sweep over to Konatsu and scoop her up.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Great... beaten by the living oxymoron, and now I'm
rescued by a giant broom and dustpan. This is SO embarrassing...
-
Above, Genma's face
appears in the hatch.)
-
ACE: <Genma's face/Max Headroom> Better get-get-get in quick! I think
he's going to-to try something el-else!
-
Genma: What's going on?
(As Kiima makes a beeline for the hatch, Kumon growls.)
Kumon: DON'T MOVE!
-
SHEILA: Fortunately, Kiima was wearing the Rubber Shoes, which prevented
the Don't Move spell from taking effect.
ACE: That's why Kumon should have stayed a Ninja or a Samurai... the art
of the Jedi Time Mage has long since been outdated.
-
(He sprints -into- the air, slashing his lightsaber and kicking
at the same time. Kiima manages to avoid the first attack, but
his boot catches her on the side of the head.
-
ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD!
ACE: Nyah, nyah!
-
She crumples to
the ground, and Konatsu is jolted conscious by the landing.
Looking up groggily, she sees Darth Kumon falling towards them,
blade raised to slice them in twain.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Looks like I'll be changing my name to Samuel
Clemens...
-
With a cry, Konatsu
stretches her hand up, her fallen lightsaber flying into her
grasp.
-
ACE: The cry, of course, came AFTER the blade had impaled his palm.
-
The blade activates just in time to block the blow, but
the force of the strike raises a cloud of sand around them.)
Genma: [That technique! No...it couldn't be...]
-
SHEILA: <Genma> All right! My Darthkumon learned Sand Attack! It's
almost ready to evolve!
-
(he pales)
[Gotta hide!]
(Unseen by anyone, Genma slowly fades from view.
-
ACE: Once again placing the effect before the cause.
-
Kumon, however,
suddenly jerks upright, staring up at the ship.)
Kumon: Was that...Umisenken?
Konatsu: Opening!
-
NACHO: <Kumon> Oh, thanks. I always get Umisenken and Opening
confused...
-
(Konatsu leaps from the dust, trailing streamers of grit in her
wake.
-
SHEILA: He carries a large supply of hot cereal?
NACHO: No, that's GRITS. And grits are hard to find in streamer form.
ACE: So is grit, most commonly. Although grit streamers make great prom
decorations.
-
With a fierce kiai she twists her body in midair and
delivers a kick to the dark Jedi's face. He flies back and lands
in an undignified heap as Konatsu again activates the orange
lightsaber.
-
JUNK: The communal garbage heap.
ACE: (nods) You don't get much more undignified than that.
-
Then a groggy Kiima wraps her arms about her
midsection and snaps her wings downward, propelling them towards
the ship. A moment later, Tofu and Shinnosuke catch the pair and
pull them in.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Hey, cool wings! But how are you going to get up here
without them?
ACE: <Kiima> I'm working on it! Konatsu, think of something!
JUNK: <Konatsu> As long as we're trapped down here anyway, and Anna's
house isn't far from here...
ACE: <Kiima> I was referring to a way to get up to the ship.
JUNK: <Konatsu> Just climb up this!
SHEILA: I call an immediate halt to that particular image!
-
Kumon pulls himself to his feet just as the hatch
closes and the ship hits the afterburners. He growls and shuts
down his purple lightsaber.)
Kumon: Plan B. (he walks off)
-
ACE: I fail to see how walking off is going to get him anywhere.
NACHO: It will get him somewhere, all right... just not onto the ship.
SHEILA: Walking off is obviously only the first step in a much more
complicated and devious Plan, known to those chosen few... as "B."
NACHO: That... was very cool.
ACE: Which means that we'd better end this part right here. Anything
else we say will just kill the mood.
SHEILA: Too late. The mood's gone. But end the part anyway. We've gone
on long enough for one part.
-
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: Wow! That was quite an exciting part!
ACE: Right. We had the podrace AND the climactic battle between Jedi
Konatsu and Darth Kumon.
SHEILA: (raises eyebrow) Climactic?
ACE: (shrugs) Well, we ended the part with it. It had better have been
climactic, if we want OUR readers to tune in for the next part!
NACHO: We do want that, don't we? (thinks) Actually, this story hasn't
been half bad, especially the most recent part. I rather liked Genma's
gradual revelation that he'd never been in a race before.
SHEILA: Well, that's why this is OAV 42, isn't it? We don't get our
thrills from trashing bad stories... we read stories that DON'T make
your head hurt.
ACE: And then trash them until they do!
NACHO: Well, MY head feels fine. Having said that, I'd better do
something to forestall the impending anime mallet-whack... so let's
recap what's happened so far.
ACE: AGAIN? We did that at the beginning of this part!
NACHO: But a lot has happened since then!
ACE: (crosses arms) Like what?
NACHO: Well, Genma won the podrace, which earned him his freedom and the
others the fuel they needed for their ship.
SHEILA: And Darth Kumon tracked them to Tokyo and tried to capture
Nodoka.
ACE: Right. Hence the fight scene between Konatsu and Kumon. But what
ELSE happened?
NACHO AND SHEILA: (blank stares)
JUNK: Genma and his mother got it on a couple of times, didn't they?
ACE: Let's just leave it at: Nothing else happened. We had the two most
exciting scenes so far, and nothing else.
NACHO: That seems to be a fair assessment. Sounds just like a Nidoking
story, actually.
SHEILA: Should we have tagged that with a gratuitous plug alert?
NIDOKING: Nah. The more subliminal messages we implant to get people to
visit my website, the better.
NACHO: You're the boss. But I thought you were against self-insertion...
NIDOKING: I'm not me. I'm a simulation of what I would be like if I were
only a simulation of myself.
JUNK: (stares at simulation of Nidoking) I never knew a simulation of
you would be so HOT!
NIDOKING: (covers chest) I ran out of male simulation bodies... and
there are too many guys in this crew already!
SHEILA: Then why don't you turn Junk into a woman and let him - I mean
HER - hit on the other two for a change?
NIDOKING: (thinks) Junk as a woman... that's TOO scary. Remind me never
to insert myself in OAV 42 again! (leaves)
SHEILA: Oh well... it was worth a shot.
JUNK: I don't think I'd mind being a woman... I'd be my own porno
collection!
NACHO: Um... we're outta here. Watch for part 4, everybody!
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE is by BLADE and EPSILON
-
Nodoka: (wide-eyed) He's gaining on you, Kiima! He's running and
you're flying, but he's still gaining! He's inhuman!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
MOM: I'm getting rid of this TV before the mindless garbage rots your
brain!
JOHNNY: Mindless garbage not rot brain!
(SHAMPOO: Mindless Johnny not got brain to rot!)
"There's a billion places like home. But only one of them's where you
live." - Granny Weatherwax, "Witches Abroad" by Terry Pratchett
JACKIE CHAN: Oh, sorry. I broke your spy camera! (pause) SPY CAMERA?!
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp