----- Original Message -----
From: "Valandar TheRed" <valandar_the_red@yahoo.com>
To: "Fanfic MailingList" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 05, 2000 12:05 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][One-Shot] Memories and Clarity
Memories and Clarity
I'm looking at Jusenkyo, again, from on top of the
pole. But didn't the pole break when...? No matter. "Are
you ready, boy?" I growl at him.
Its been a long time, but if I remember correctly, sentences cannot begin
with "But".
"Ready when you are, Pops!" He stands in a modified
cat stance, with his wrists together, one hand up and the
other down, both palms facing me. The foot that is
supporting him cups the bamboo pole with his heel, the
other leg raised, foot resting gently against his knee. I
simply took a crane stance, my arms arched, and my free
foot ready to deliver a punishing blow.
With an unspoken signal, we both leap. Blows and
counterblows are delivered, before we set foot again on the
poles.
Another pass, and my defenses fail me. I hear the
pole break, and feel myself fall, and I somehow know what
will come next - the itching as fur grows in an instant,
followed by the bloated, distorted feeling that lasts only
half a second, until my mind copes with the new form.
This could be worded better. Mostly the "I somehow know what will come next"
section.
Instead of "next - ", try something like this:
I somehow know what will come next. The itching as fur grows in an instant
(etc, etc, etc)
So, now a panda, I reach across the shogi board, and
move a piece. "Masterful move, Saotome!" declares my friend
Tendo. He then ponders the board, considering his next
move.
"Tadaimas!" snarled a young girl's voice. It is
Tendo's youngest daughter, Akane, angry at my son again.
Tendo is distracted at her arrival, so I reach forward, and
switch places of two pieces, a move in the greater game we
play, and enjoy far more.
Tadaima
So, with her return, I wrap Ranma in the fish
sausages, eager to begin his new training. "Papa, it's
stinky!" he proclaims.
"Maybe..." I say. "But it'll make you strong, like
Papa!" I respond.
"Really?" he says, eyes wide. He trusts me, and he
knows I'll make him a man among men. So, he bravely lets me
throw him into the pit.
The cats yowl loudly, and his cries blend in with the
yowling. "Daddy, it hurts!" he screams.
"No pain, no gain, Ranma!" I yell back. I wait, until
the sounds of the yowling dies down, signaling the fact
that the cats have eaten all of the fish.
The first comma in the second sentence can be dropped.
The woman turned to the man, probably her son. "Go to
Akane, Son. I'll be out in a minute." The man nodded, and
stepped out of the room.
Maybe its just me but this part seemed a bit odd.
It seems a bit more cold than it needs to be. Again, maybe it is just me
though.
She looked at me. For half a minute, I thought it was
her... but that's ridiculous. My wife is barely forty, and
this woman was in her seventies. I then saw something I
didn't expect - a lone tear, trickling down her cheek.
Overall, a good little oneshot fic. The mood was consistant and it made for
some very interesting thoughts. Keep up the good work.
- Moeru