At 13:28 2000.09.15, Mad Hamlet wrote:

Greetings,
Its about time I got this out isn't it?
After posting the teaser I hammered away at till it was done.
Here ya all go. Enjoy..
Oh yah. I STILL don't have prepreaders so it IS rought draft. I was acareful
as possible but there might be some glaring errors. I hope not.

I volunteer :)

        The rain had finally ceased; the light of the sun beamed down on the wet,
soaking, Tokyo ward of Nerima, rending asunder the last dissipatingremnants
of the storm.  Inside a small ice cream shop a petite redhead held the
sleeping form of a slightly taller, dark haired girl.

several things in this paragraph:
- take out the comma after 'soaking' ... it doesn't belong
- 'Tokyo ward of Nerima' sounds to me like Tokyo is a ward of Nerima, not the other way... but that may be just me...
- the 'rending asunder...' is a good idea, and i'd write the same thing, but it feels wordy to me...
- take out the comman after 'taller' ... it's not needed either...

        Ranma had never heard the word 'hypocrite' before but she knew a raw deal
when she saw one.

i think perhaps a comma after 'before' might be in order....

        <Akane ain't weak. Not cause she's a girl an' not cause she's mute. If
anything she's stronger 'cause of it. > Ranma frowned thoughtfully, < Notthat

- comma after 'anything'
- the rule for using speech marks is ignore them for the purposes of other punctuation in the sentence. so if the sentence starts [Ranma frowned thoughtfully,] then the first letter of the speech shouldn't be capitalized. you're using '<' and '>' in the same way, so you should follow the same rule,,,

that's much consolation I bet. >
Ranma glanced at her own arms, different from the ones she knew. These were
slim, still strong but shorter that what she was used to. <Sure, like thisI

'...shorter than...'

am faster but..I still hate this curse. >

an elipsis is 3 dots, not 2...

        Akane chose this moment to move slightly and Ranma was distracted from that
line of thinking as Akane settled down again leaving Ranma to bask in the
warmth of another persons embrace.

"person's" possessive

        <Ranma was holding me! Baka hentai!! > Instinctively Akane began to get
angry; memory frantically burst in with recollections of the discussionover

i think a period would work better than a semicolon here...

ice cream and its subsequent results.
Almost reluctantly Akane pushed her growing ire aside and gently, part ofher
was definitely protesting at this point, pulled herself out of Ranma'sembrace
and sat down beside her.

        "Um..hi.," Ranma said, "Are you… OK?"

elipsis again... 3 dots...

        {I'm feeling better. Sorry about creating a spectacle.}

        Ranma shrugged, old habits die-hard.  "I got no problems with that Akane. I'm
glad I could help is all."

is this the same Ranma? I just can't see him not having any problems with this at this point in the story... maybe something more like "no problem, akane" would be more in character.... just my 2 bits...

        < Riiiggghhtt, > Whispered the new voice in Ranma's mind, < You were just

again, watch your punctuation around quotes... either end with a period or don't use a capital...

helping. >

        {I'm glad. Do you really like me? >

} not >

        Ranma's eye's bulged. That had come out of nowhere.  "Yeah..that is..yeah

elipsis again... i won't beat this dead horse any more, but you should check the rest of the story for it...

Akane I really do like you. I haven't had a friend in a long time and Iain't
letting go o' the one I got now."

        Ranma was afraid Akane would start crying again; it wasn't that she didn't
like comforting her but at the same time she really felt out of her element
and wanted some time to ponder. She needn't have worried. Akane smiled in

does Ranma even know what 'ponder' means? :)

relief then happened to glance at a nearby clock.

        {I'm going to be late for school!}

        Ranma could barely make out any understanding of the frantically scribbled

"could barely make out any understanding " doesn't sound natural... try either "could barely make anything out..." or "could barely understanding out of..."

out symbols but the hastily moving Akane, stuffing her book bag,straitening

a strait is a body of water. you want 'straightening' :)

her hair, running to a nearby sink and washing her face, was easy to pickup

there's a random sink in the ice cream parlour? :)

        {I'd like that Ranma. I can introduce my beautiful fiancé to my friends.}

are you deliberately using the male term here or did you mean 'fiancée'? either one works depending on what you're going for....

        Ten minutes later Ranma, now male, found himself standing in front of a
small, two story, building. It was a wholly unremarkable building, a few

"small two story building"

windows, grey fading paint and a walled off back yard. There were no signsor

if the paint is grey and fading, use 'fading grey paint' ... if the building is grey because the colour faded so much, stick with what youhave...

        Past the front door their way was blocked by another large, heavy, metal

comma after 'door' and no comma after 'heavy' ... you really like commas don't you? :)

        Akane pushed a small button beside the metal door and a few seconds later
Ranma saw, through the glass, a young man in a wheelchair. He rolled up tothe

unless he has x-ray vision we don't know about, "...Ranma saw, through the glass, a young ..." is redundant... if you feel you must have it in, try "...Ranma saw a young man in a wheelchair through the glass."

        "Hello Akane, how are you?" The young man asked. "And who's you're friend?"

"your" - possessive "you're" is "you are"

        Ranma glanced at Akane and saw she was not writing on her white board,
instead her hands and fingers were moving, forming symbols and usinggestures
to write other symbols in the air. The young man watched her handsintently.
Ranma's brain suffered a rare fit of deductive reasoning.
        < Sign language? > He thought, < Of course she knows sign language. Should

again the thing with the speech punctuation. check the rest of the story for this, too

have figured she didn't write everything down. Ranma no baka. >

        An outthrust hand interrupted Ranma's self-recriminations; the hand belonged
to young man in the wheelchair before taking the hand giving a firm shake.

that doesn't make any sense. who's taking the hand? what happened before it was taken?

        "Hello Ranma, I am Jiyuuomoi Taka. Pleased to meet you, I'm the teacher and
owner of this small school. I'd bow but.."
        "Hi," Ranma said, "I'm Ranma Saotome and I guess Akane told youall
that..uh..it's nice to meet you too Jiyuuomoi-sensei." The last part wassaid
more as question then a statement, which it was; as if Ranma was unsure ofhow

replace the semicolon with a comma

        "Make yourselves comfortable." Ranma sat in the nearest chair while Akane sat
on the armrest. Ranma noticed this and felt pleased, then nervous, the
pleased, then nervous and this would probably had continued ad infinitumhad
not Taka interrupted.

i prefered how you did this little bit in the teaser....

        "So tell me about yourself. Akane says you study martial arts, are you any

replace the comma with  a period... these are two complete thoughts...

        The corners of Ranma's mouth curled up into a familiar smirk and his mouth
began to open of it's own volition. The new part of his mind, awakened the
night before and strengthed by the events of the day rang a warning thatwas

comma after 'day'

        The powerful yell echoed off the walls and the windows visibly shook in their
frames. Ranma, Taka, and Akane winced at the intensity. Ranma lurched outof

a list goes a, b, c and d...

the chair, whirling to face a possible threat and saw, lumbering towardthem,
a giant.
There was simply no other way to phrase him. The man was huge. Easilyclearing

replace 'phrase' with 'describe' or a synonym

defined over the strained fabric. The giants long, powerful legs carriedhim

"defined under the strained fabric" unless he somehow managed to get the fabric under his chest...
also, "giant's" - possessive

have a serious question; very serious. Will you listen?"

replace ; with .

confession.  "No? That's too bad. I was hoping you knew Jackie Chan. Ohwell;

replace ; with ,

        "Oh no, they're deadly serious." Taka said.

replace 'serious."' with 'serious,"'

        Taka gave Ranma a look, flat, plain, no outward expression or message, just,
a look. Ranma groaned. He'd seen that look before and was fully aware that

try with this puctuation:
"Taka gave Ranma a look. Flat, plain, no outward expression or message, just a look."

        Taka held up a placating hand. "Ranma you must be a pretty okay guy if Akane
likes you as much as she seems too so I'm not going to take this last few

too -> to and add a comma right after
this -> these

exchanges too personally. Have you ever heard of 'mental handicaps.'

close "

        Ranma stuttered, "No. Not really."
        "Not surprising. It still isn't acknowledged in modern Japan." He sighed,
"OK, short version," He gestured to where Shiro and Akane seemed to behaving

...version." He...

defined with evidence of slight wear and tear that you would find on any

"... evidence of the slight..."

        Ranma felt his knee's beginning to weaken. He wasn't really clearon

knees - plural, not possessive

everything he was being told. Or maybe he didn't want to understand.
        "I…I.."Ranma swallowed audibly, "I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean
by 'mental age'?"
        Taka inwardly sighed being careful not to let it show. In his mind he cursed

"... sighed, being..."

the society, his society, that not only allowed this kind of deliberate
non-understanding, but practically encouraged it.
        "It's like this Ranma, the human body ages at it's own rate. Growth, height,

"... Ranma. The human..."

weight, all occur based on chemicals in the body. Sometimes there arespurts
of rapid growth, like during puberty and in the late teens. It is possiblefor
the body's schedule to be thrown out of wack, and that's one thing that

"whack"

happened to Shiro here. His body started growing and didn't stop; butthat's
relatively minor compared to the other problem."
        "M..minor?" Ranma's mind struggled to process this information that was being
thrust down its figurative throat. It was so alien, so wrong, the mind and

"...so wrong. The mind..."

body worked. That was it. There was no other possibility; oh sure the body

"...sure, the body..."

could get broken but that took outside interference but it didn't justbreak

"...could get broken, but that took outside interference. It didn't just break..."

        < Well..yeah, > Ranma argued, < But that happens later. To other people, you

"...other people. You..."

taught to us we grow into them as well. Also there's the changingpriorities

"...to us, we grow..."

and desires; as you get older your ideals, values and expectations changeand
what you're going to do to meet and satisfy the desires you have change as

changes - subject/verb agreement

trying not to laugh but was failing miserably. She couldn't even get handsto
work right she was laughing so hard.

try "She was laughing so hard, she couldn't even get her hands to workright."
not that what you have is bad or wrong, it's just a personal preference

then that he has an incredibly hard time learning new things. Except forsign

then -> than

language. He mastered that in under a year, when Akane first came here shehad

"...under a year. When Akane..."

last week, but he'll never give up. Neither will I. Also he has one other

"...Also, he has..."

        Shiro had picked Akane back and placed her on his left shoulder; then he

If he picked her up earlier, then you're missing an 'up' after 'back' ... if not, then 'up' should replace 'back'...

        "You're pleased to meet me?" The giant bellowed. He started vigorously
shaking Ranma's hand and, at the same time, most of Ranma.

the mental image i get here is that he's shaking his hand and shaking Ranma separately... if you're going for the imagery that he's shaking hands so hard, he's shaking Ranma, then I think that instead of 'at the same time' you might consider using 'by extension'...

One look at the larger boys face cancelled that possibility. There was only

boys -> boy's - possessive

arms pinwheeling wildly; tripping over his own feet Shiro collapsed to the

comma after 'feet'

ground and, with a low moan, curled up into a ball. A second later Akanewas

try "... curled up into a ball with a low moan."

at his side, cradling the larger boy's head in her lap. Ranma stood therein
dumb silence lost in, yet another, wave of shock and confusion as Akanetried

pull both commas. you don't need them.

to comfort Shiro. Taka, by this time, had rolled up beside Shiro's huddled
form. He lay a hand on Shiro's shuddering shoulder while giving Ranma alook.

nice alliteration there... :)

It wasn't a hostile look, or accusatory, it was more a look of expectationas

try a semicolon after 'accusatory'

if he was saying, "well, its your move." But this was mostly lost on Ranma,as
his mind was still dealing with the events of a few seconds before, he had

try "...lost on Ranma. His mind still dealing..."

little awareness to afford on the present.

"...afford the present."

        Akane waved her hand a little, catching Ranma's attention. She made a gesture
over Shiro's body adding her own unspoken message to Taka's.
        Ranma saw all this, he felt the expectations of Akane and Taka. He saw the

I think this would work better with shorter sentences. "Ranma saw all this. He felt the Akane and Taka's  expectations." and so on... more punch...

an uncaring reality and somehow, unknowingly, he had hurt one of theirnumber,
one of their family.

"...their number. One of..."

        A ghost of a memory fluttered through his mind. "A true martial artist
protects the weak." Genma's voice echoed. Ranma's own thought followed.
<Really Pop? Then what's yer problem with Akane? Oh thats good Saotome, now

"...Oh that's good..." contraction of 'that is'

        Ranma had to force himself not to leap away, the pain in that voice, the
fears he was wrestling in his mind, all these factors were wearing away at
Ranma's iron self-control.

try it as:
       Ranma had to force himself not to leap away. The pain in that voice, the
fears he was wrestling with in his mind were wearing away at Ranma's iron self-control.

  He glanced at Akane who could only shrug
helplessly. She'd never seen Shiro react this way before. < What corner? >She
looked up at Taka and saw he was wearing a carefully placed, neutral

no comma there

expression. < We're going to have a little chitchat when this is all over.>

i think 'chat' is more appropriate here than 'chitchat'... but your call... but replace the period at the end with a comma.

Akane decided.
        Ranma firmed his resolve and reached out his hand toward Shiro's crumpled
form.Carefully but forcefully he rolled the larger boy over so he could see

space after '.'

Shiro's face.
        "Hey Shiro, look at me." Ranma said quietly. Shiro's eyes were downcast and
he refused to look up into Ranma's face. "C'mon Shiro look at me. See?",Ranma

no comma

caused this whole mess.  Shiro stared at the offer with, what could havebeen

no comma here, either...

considered a dubious expression.
        "C'mon Shiro." Ranma almost whispered, "No harm no foul right?" and gave his
best cocky grin.
        For the third time in mere minutes Shiro underwent a transformation, from a
pained, miserable child, to a joyful innocent without a care in the world.He

no comma after 'child'

        The back of the school was a small, yard where a tall wooden fence separated

no comma

it from the surrounding property. Against the back of the school, besidethe
door they had all exited from, sat a large barrel in which a fair amount of
rainwater had collected; with exaggerated nonchalance Ranma ambled as faraway
from it as he could. Opposite the barrel, against the far wall of thefencing
stood a small storage shed and the final thing Ranma noticed was, standingon
their wooden posts in the middle of the yard, were several trainingdummies.
They appeared a bit old and bedraggled, as if they had remained unused for
some time.
        Ranma raised an eyebrow at the dummies, "Who practices the Arts?" He asked

'Art' is singular here. for Ranma there is only one Art. it goes by many names and comes in many shapes, but it is all one Art. (I'm picking on this because the Art is what makes Ranma who and what he is. without it, he'd be a random wierdo with lousy luck.)

the general group.

as opposed to the specific group? :) 'general' is extraneous here

        Take seemed to frown momentarily. "No one." He answered and gavehis

'Taka'

Shiro gave Akane a hurt look and she made some hand gestures that Ranma did
not understand. Shiro nodded in agreement at what Akane had 'said'.
"That's right. Kane-Chane uses the dummies sometimes." He paused, "She

'Kane-chan'

stood there scratching the back of his head and gave a half hearted "Heh

half-hearted is hyphenated

Shiro continued unperturbed by the lack of response from the others,

"... continued, unperturbed..."

"Kane-Chane is a great martial artist. She is really really good."

'Kane-chan'


So far, I like it :)
Keep in mind that aside from the grammatical stuff like commas, all my suggestions are just that. Suggestions based on my biases and tastes in writing. Use as many or as few as you like.

The biggest things I'm seeing gramatically are commas (you use either too many or too few,) punctuation around speech marks (commas where you should have periods and vice-versa) and homonyms, especially the differences between possessives and contractions... but all these are easily fixed.... good story overall.... now to critique the second part >:)


-Z

We are Dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.