Hello!
Public C&C... I can't get enough of it! ^_^
Really, I can't.
I really enjoyed this story, it's a great character study. The ambiguity
of
Gokuu's homecoming and his battle really leave a lot up to the reader's
interpretation, and you pulled it off very well.
Thank you very much. The good thing is that the story could be placed
anywhere after DBZ, and has both an open beginning and an open ending. This
gives you lots of possibilities, and allows you to write freely--and
continuing the story.
There's a few things that
could be cleaned up, but overall very good.
Ah, this is always true--at least with my stories. That's why I need C&C so
badly. ^_^
I don't know how this could
become a full series... it stands on its own very well, and any further
elaboration may prove fatal.
Well, this was thought as a one-shot ar first, but when I finished I noticed
a posibility. Why not to write a whole story (yes, with plot and everything)
involving the appearance of a random enemy, writing each chapter focused on
a DIFFERENT character? Like a series of closely-related character sketches.
For example, I could show the fight between Gokuu and the new enemy from
Piccolo's POV, or Vegeta's. And then the aftermatch in Krilin's own words.
And subplots, and so on...
It'd take some planning and time, but I think it could be done. Maybe after
I finish Silent Battles (shameless plug! ^_^)...
Good job, and keep writing!
I fully intend to!
<< Dawn broke upon the world in a ritual older than life
itself, the sun peeking timidly over the far-off horizon. Immediately
igniting the sky, its rays painted the grassy hills in a million of
impossible reds, oranges and purples, and fought off the darkness with
mindless determination. The air was still cool, virginal, and sang
quietly as it ran along the green, rolling slopes.
::Good vivid description.
Thanks! In fact, some people thought my draft version of the first scene was
overwritten, so I had to switch to my revision mode, and after half an hour
of intense rewriting... Final version.
As nature basked in the primal energy the star
willingly gave it, and fed on it, pulsating and growing, the clouds
suddenly opened up, pushed aback by some unseen force. A new sun
appeared then, this one hot-white and diminutive, soaring through the
air like a fiery shooting star. Fast as a missile it approached the
land, and soon the form of a man could be guessed in the shining orb's
midst, deeply immersed in that sea of whiteness. Tall and fair, he could
have been confused with an angel, or perhaps with a messenger of the
gods themselves... And even those titles would have been befitting to
this man. He flew gracefully across the morning, blending with the
soothing peace of the moment, losing himself in it. Nature accepted him,
gleefully recognizing his chosen son.
::Suggest: white-hot instead of hot-white. Sounds better, IMO.
Um, I really don't know about this one. If you say so, though, I'll change
it.
<SNIP>
He slowly raised his gaze, and his eyes shone with
unbound joy. In a moment, the energy receded into his body, where it
rightfully belonged. He felt his shirt flapping in the gentle breeze and
smelled the soft perfume of the daffodils. Hearing distant sounds of
animals, he turned his head and saw birds fluttering away in haste,
frightened by some unknown threat. And as his senses were overloaded with
impulses of every kind, he realized he had arrived at last. Taking a
step forward, he began the short walk toward the large cabin that waited
a couple of miles ahead.
Gokuu was home.
::Brilliant.. I really felt like I was there.
You're going to make me blush... ^_^
Thanks.
As he sent a flurry of lightning-fast punches, Gokuu
nodded, satisfied with his firstborn's skill. Despite Gohan's reluctance
to follow in his footsteps and dedicate his life to the Art, it was
obvious that Gohan had been practicing. Of course, Gokuu thought as he
increased the speed of his blows, he was still better, but he was
certain Gohan could be the greatest fighter ever to live in this realm
if he devoted himself to training--something Chichi would never allow.
::Two uses of Gohan too close together. I think you should stick a pronoun
in
there.
Right. I don't know how I missed this one. Consider it fixed!
"What about a little race, Gohan?" Gokuu asked, a
playful grin on his lips.
::What about it? suggest: "How.."
Oops. My bad. Will correct, too. Thanks for the catch.
<SNIP>
How is it that I'm able to leave all this behind? How
do I manage to force myself to sacrifice this paradise for the sake of
the Art? I don't know, I really don't. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember...
::Great insight.
Thanks, but some of the credit goes to Vincent Seifert. There was a scene in
his fic "A Man Among Women" that gave me the idea for this paragraph.
BTW, that's a very good fic. Though I myself prefer "Ranma and the Heart of
the Phoenix", its prequel.
<SNIP>
his son's future. Or perhaps, he thought as he smiled, she was dreaming
about him. And if th--
::That cutoff is a bit too abrupt. Let him finish the word, methinks.
I was of two minds about this particular sentence, but in the end I decided
to use the dash. However, I'll finish the sentence now.
I feel the cool wind on my skin, but it can't hope to
chill my heart's warmth, which spreads through my body, setting it on
fire. The familiar rage fills me, owning me, consuming my entire being.
I change, mutating into something far different and incredibly powerful.
Energy runs through my veins, my blood in now pure, comforting lava.
::Very cool. Comforting lava is a bit strange, though.
Heh. I added "conforting" as an afterthought. Why? Because I always thought
Gokuu enjoys transorming into a SS, and that when he senses his blood
burning, he feels more confident and at ease.
Er... now that I reread the sentence, the "in" isn't needed. Funny, ne? ^_^
<SNIP>
And as she smiles at me, I fight. >>
Great story.
Thanks one last time for all your great comments. I'm really ecstatic you
enjoyed the story, and I hope you'll be able to say the same if I ever
decide to write that series.
See you!
Latin_D