Hello, Morgan!
Hi, Latin D! How's it going, man? ^_^
Finally! I was beginning to think I'd have to take you out of my "Faster
Than Hell Writers" list... ^_~
Egads, not that! Would I have to return my precious "FTHW" coffee mug if
that happened?
Seriously (or not, even I'm not sure sometimes), I've already started
Chapter 11 and it should be done in a week or so, barring natural disasters
like computer crashes, pop quizzes, or surprise lab projects.
I wish my university could understand that all these "classes" of theirs are
getting in the way of IMPORTANT stuff! ^_~
> Okay, for anybody who actually thought I'd bother with dignity instead
of
a
> chance at replies, you're obviosusly new here. ^_^
Hey, I'm one of those ones that actually agree with you here!
Well, as I like to look at it, I have a choice between my dignity, which
I've already got and can get back any time I feel like it, or replies, which
I do not have and must rely on other people for.
Kind of a no-brainer, ne?
But that doesn't mean I must stop making fun of you, ne? You can return
the
favour after me next plea. ^_^
Hey, why should I deny you the pleasures I reserve for myself? God knows I
make fun of me often enough: feel free to join in any time you want. ;p
> Previous chapters of Dark Crusade are available on request, or at Joy
> Lyn's fanfiction archive, at
> http://www.geocities.com/animecrossovers/
Yes, very good site, too. For those of you who like crossovers, this is
your
place.
I concur. Joy's got a pretty awesome site set up here, with some real
creme-de-la-creme of fanfiction cross-overs. Check it out, and be amazed! Or
not, I mean it's not like I can make you... But I recommend it highly,
nonetheless.
> Okay, that's that. Now let's get on to the story!
Gee, and you said my notes were long-winded... :-p
Yes, I believe I did. I also seem to recall you telling me to stick half of
this stuff into my notes. So, technically, it's YOUR fault these are so
long. So there! :b
> It's mostly just action,
> but I snuck in a tiny bit of plot while I was at it.
Plot? Who needs that? I want action! ^_^
Heh. Don't we all.
> Enjoy! ^_~
Always!
Or, as my pessimistic and paranoid side likes to say: always, SO FAR...
Of course, remember these comments only reflect my opinion, nothing else.
If
you happen too disagree, or realize I'm downright wrong, fell free to
delete
this mail. So, Neo, buddy, which are you going to choose, the blue pill
or
the red one?
I say take 'em both and let them fight it out to see who gets to work! But
then, I only say that because I have the utmost faith in your C&C, good
friend, and am sure you would not steer me wrong.
> Say Bye to Slow Internet!
I'd love to, but it's the only kind of Internet available down here...
~_~
I'm back in university and on a cable modem. Whee-hah! After spending the
whole summer on a crappy and slow dial-up, it's good to be back up at a
decent speed. I downloaded a trailer for Master of Mosquiton so fast it
almost gave me whiplash.
> OBLIGATORY LEGAL DISCLAIMER : Some of these guys aren't mine. The
> Sailor Senshi belong to DIC and Kodansha, while the Yoroiden are owned
> by Sunrise and Graz Entertainment. Okay? So don't bother suing me. I'm
> a student.
This "poor student" act is getting old, m'friend. If they sue you, pay
them
off with all that money you get from your fans! ^_^
Shhh! This is EXACTLY why I ask to get paid under the table! Nobody's
supposed to know I'm... Uhm... (looks around) Wow. Look at all the guys in
suits. Guess I should have known better than to talk like that when I'm
across the street from a law school, huh?
> Chapter Ten : Scattered Pieces
Heh. Mysterious, suggesting title--my kind of title. ^_~
Heh. My kind of title, too. I use them all the time.
Here's some interesting trivia: I did the math recently, and the Samurai
Troopers have actually been in more chapters of this fanfic than they have
episodes of their own series!
Weird, huh?
However, there's something I've been meaning to talk you about for some
time
(especially after K'thardin's last C&C, where I believe he spotted the
same
thing).
The colons, right?
Namely, that space you leave before colons.
Glah. I should take up Tarot cards and leave fanfic writing to people who
know what they're doing.
You once told me you
placed spaces there so as to make it easier to read.
Too true. In some types of font, colons are all but invisible. By tossing in
the extra space, I was attempting to make my fic more legible. At, however,
a great cost to my grammar.
Well, in spite of that,
I'm pretty sure this isn't the right way to do it. In any of the books
I've
read so far I've seen them, and I've read some. If you want to play by
the
rules, I'd drop them...
Clearly, this cost is too great. You may have noticed that after the last
bit of C&C I got from K'thardin, I did away with those spaces in front of my
colons in this chapter. I was waiting to see if anybody noticed, and now
that you've supported it, consider them changed from now on.
And YES, I know that I should technically go back over my old chapters and
change all those colons, too, but do you have any idea how LONG it would
take to go and correct every single colon in 57 chapters of Ronin Summer?
Wouldn't you rather get Chapter 11 of Dark Crusade before Easter?
Maybe that's just me. *shrugs*
Nah, it's you, me, and everybody, pal. Consider me changed. ^_^
> Everybody
> else is busy getting ready to move out, and where was he? Stuck looking
> for two kids who were too damn stupid to actually stay where they'd
> been put. And worst of all, they were making him do it with-
You told me on your answer to my last C&C that you hadn't used an hyphen
near a dash to avoid confusion. Why don't you just use "--" for a dash
instead of "-", which might get confused with an hyphen? A suggestion,
only.
That's a good idea, actually, except that the double dash has purposes and
rules of usage too. It's pretty much a "damned if you do, damned if you
don't" thing. I never was really fond of the hyphen/dash difference at all,
really: it's too easy to confuse them, even when they are used differently.
I mean, one is a line, and one is a slightly longer line.
Sorry if I'm getting to technical. Don't think I've forgotten about the
story!
The what? What story? There's a story? ^_^
> "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Sailor Icestorm grabbed
> his horns and swung down to dangle in front of his face. The elfin
> girl was ostensibly there to act as his eyes, since Takenoko had the
> same poor vision that cursed his entire race.
ICESTORM: Wait. If I've got a perfect vision, what do I need him for?
TAKENOKO: You're the eyes, I'm the brain.
ICESTORM: Aaaah...
Actually, that's how the above paragraph originally ended. Almost word for
word. Spooky, ne? Or maybe just an obvious joke... Eh, I'm too tired to try
to figure it out right now.
> "No," he snorted, "we're not there yet. Get back on my
> shoulders, and tell me if you see anything."
>
> "'Kay!" Icestorm chirped, and somersaulted onto the giant
> youma's back. "I see something!" she reported almost immediately.
>
> "Really?" Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "What?"
>
> "Trees!"
...You're making a great job if you want us readers to sympathise with
Takenoko. I'd have killed her at that very moment.
So would anybody else. That minotaur has the patience of a saint. Hang on,
though, because it's going to get worse before it gets better. I SWEAR.
> Takenoko stopped in mid-step and fought the urge to pound the
> dim-witted Storm Senshi until she actually had a thought in her head.
He couldn't resist for long, though, and so pounded her for hours on end.
As
the formerly-evil clone wondered why the world was spinning so rapidly,
Takenoko asked the fateful question: "DO you have a thought in you head
now?"
Poor, old, naive minotaur.
Ah, Sailor Icestorm. The only person in the whole group who can forget to
breathe until people remind her. Although I'm told you can get a neat sound
out of her if the wind goes through her ears right...
> Unfortunately, he had better things to do that year. "Do you see
> anything OTHER than trees?" he asked quietly.
>
> "Yup!" Icestorm nodded furiously. "I see bushes, and rocks,
> and squirrels, and- oh! Hi, sis!"
>
> Sailor Thunderstorm plummeted from the tree canopy and landed
> gently on the ground in front of Takenoko. The tall brunette in the
> emerald fuku looked almost uncomfortable. "Uh... Hi."
>
> "Aren't you supposed to be back at camp?" Takenoko squinted at
> the girl suspiciously. To be more accurate, he squinted at the blurry
> green shape he ASSUMED was the girl.
THUNDERSTORM: Er, Takenoko? That's a bush you're talking to.
TAKENOKO: *blushes*
THUNDERSTORM: Gee, is there anyone in this universe with a poorer vision?
MOUSSE: Shampoo! *glomp*
THUNDERSTORM: Get offa me!
Later that night, we see Takenoko and the Storm Senshi enjoying a nice meal
of roast duck. Died of natural causes, too: it seems his heart stopped when
he was struck by a few dozen lightning bolts.
> "We got lonely," Sailor Lightstorm explained as she emerged
> from the underbrush and dusted a few dead pine needles off of her
> golden fuku. "We're not used to being by ourselves, and we kind of
> figured nobody would notice if we kept an eye on the little dullard.
> I mean, she's OUR little dullard, and we don't want anything happening
> to her!"
Yep, every good family must have a dullard. Mine, for example, has got
me!
As I see it, the Storm Senshi are the only people who can actually stand
each other. Add in the fact that they've been apart for maybe two seconds
since the day they were created, and it makes sense that they would be
rather accustomed to each other. Much like the original Senshi, they tease
because they love.
They're just WAY less obvious about it.
> "Gee," Icestorm said, wiping her eyes on the back of her
> glove, "that's, like, the nicest thing you've ever said about me!"
>
> "Yeah, well..." Thunderstorm folded her arms across her chest
> and began staring at her shoes. "Don't let it go to your head, or
> nothing. I'm only here because Lightstorm made me come!"
O_O
...must ...not ...make ...hentai... jokes...
O_O
Okay, that one was just plain uncalled for. That was not what I had in mind
at all when I wrote that line!
Although...
<MINI-SNIP>
> "I was GOING," Takenoko rumbled, "to say that she's fine. So
Um, this doesn't look like the right place to put the narrative cue. Try:
"I was GOING to say that she's fine," Takenoko rumbled. "So...
> get the hell out of here, and back where you belong!"
LIGHTSTORM: The castle?
ICESTORM: The cloning chamber?
THUNDERSTORM: My old sempai's room? ...Wait! That's not me!
Considering who Jupiter's old sempai is in this reality, I think several
people are heaving sighs of relief that Thunderstorm is not in his room. ^_^
> "Can't," Lightstorm said cheerfully, wrapping one arm around
> Thunderstorm's shoulders. "Our intrepid navigator was so busy worrying
> about her baby sister that she forgot to keep track of where we were.
> We're lost."
THUNDERSTORM:For the emptieth time: we AREN'T lost. We just don't know
where
we are at the moment.
ICESTORM: My big sister is, like, soooo clever...
THUNDERSTORM: Yeah, well, I studied at the Hibiki school of navigation.
Ryoga-sensei taught me that it's not our fault: two evil, invisible people
named Juan and Cindy sneak around moving all the towns and changing all of
the landmarks when we aren't looking. So there!
> Icestorm hugged her arms around Takenoko's thick neck and
> squeezed with all her might. "Can they come with us, Mister? Huh? Can
Does she call Takenoko "Mister" regularly? If she doesn't, I think it'd
be
"mister".
She's using it as a title, so it's capitalised. And yes, Icestorm will be
calling Takenoko "Mister" most of the time. She doesn't know what his name
is. Or just doesn't remember.
<ANOTHER MINI-SNIP>
> Jun Yamano yawned and tried to stretch his arms. For some
> reason, his left arm seemed to be stuck. Deciding to solve that
> problem later, he lifted his right and rubbed his eyes. He really
> shouldn't have stood guard while everybody else was sleeping: he must
> have dozed off, himself, after that big argument with...
This commas aren't needed, I think, and disrupt the flow of the sentence.
I'd drop them if I were you.
Good point. I'm just so comma-happy that I can't resist putting the little
buggers in every place I can! Consider them dropped. ^_^
> his side, with her head resting on his chest. Well, that explained
> what his left arm was pinned under. Jun began to panic as he noticed
> just how dark it was. Hotaru's parents were going to kill him.
Both are alone in a dark, dangerous forest... The perfect place for our
favourite Lemon scene! :-p
Yes, in perfect horror-movie logic, they shall decide to begin making out in
the dark and spooky forest. And they shall completely ignore the strange
noises, and scary music playing in the background. After all, they have more
important things to think about than the monsters lurking behind every tree.
That's NOT the kind of action I meant when I was talking about the chapter,
my good man.
> "Hotaru?" Jun waited a second, then tried again, gently shaking
> her shoulder with his free hand. "Hotaru, you gotta wake up! We fell
> asleep!" Oh, man, he worried, what if everyone was already looking for
This "he worried" doesn't seem to belong there... Maybe that's just me.
Originally I was going to use "he thought", or "he wondered", but it seemed
too bland. If you think this is wrong, though, I'll see what I can do.
> them? What if everyone had already left? He was pretty sure none of the
> Masho would be willing to stand around waiting on him. "Come on,
> Hotaru!"
But they would certainly be willing to wait for a Senshi capable of
destroying the entire dimension.
RAJURA: Not me! If I say we're moving out at ten, by God, that's when we
leave! If she's so special, then maybe next time she'll buy a watch.
> "Hmmm?" Hotaru slowly opened her strange violet eyes and sat
> up slightly, stifling a yawn as she combed her fingers through her
> soft black hair. "What's going on, Jun?"
JUN: I can't move my arm! IT'S ASLEEP!
Heck, that's nothing compared to what's going to happen to him. I think
he'll be glad that arm is numb in a few minutes...
> "Trouble." Jun glanced over his shoulder. There was something
> undefinable about the forest that had changed while they slept. >
Typo: indefinable (I think)
Egads! It would seem that I do indeed have a typo! Never fear, will fix.
> "You're right," she whispered in response. "There's something
> about this place, Jun... I don't think I can explain it, but it's
> just... WRONG." Her eyes began to glow purple as she clutched her
> henshin. "Saturn Planet Power..."
Be careful with the ellipses. If you use them to much, they'll lost their
significance.
Yes, they will. I'm quite fond of ellipses, as well. Ellipses and commas are
the bane of my existence. I'm downright addicted. Don't worry, though, I'll
go back over here and see if I can nip and tuck this paragraph a little bit.
> "No!" Jun hissed, and lunged at the girl in an attempt to swat
> her henshin wand out of her hands.
>
> "MAKE UP!"
MAKE-UP ARTIST: Going!
HOTARU: Jeez, I've waited for half an hour. Where've you been? Do you
think
I can fight evil looking like this?
Of course not. Her skirt is much too long to be fighting any evil at all.
I'm surprised her parents even let her out of the house dressed like that.
^_^
> The entire forest exploded in a brilliant purple light.
> Blinded, Jun stumbled back and landed heavily on his rump as Hotaru,
> glowing like a signal flare, lifted into the air and began to spin.
> Oh wonderful, he thought as he rubbed his eyes, she's STROBING. Soon
Oh, wonderful...
Good point. Will fix.
> enough, the transformation completed, and Sailor Saturn landed softly
> next to Jun.
>
> "What's wrong?"
JUN: I've just realized I'm the Senshi of SILENCE's boyfriend... I think
infidelity is pretty much out of the question for me.
HOTARU: Of course, that's not a problem for YOU, because you weren't ever
going to be unfaithful to me, right, Jun?
JUN: Uh...
> Jun slowly sat up. "You Senshi aren't too big on stealth, are
> you? Every living thing for about a jillion miles must have seen that!
Jillion? Colloquial term, maybe? Or is a typo?
Colloquial term. It just means a whole lot. I figured Jun is still young
enough that he would use a term like that.
<SNIP!>
> "Don't talk to ME about common sense, Jun! At least I'm not
> the one who keeps running off to fight battles any sane person would
> realise they have no hope of winning!"
Um, the problem is, he may not have a chance of winning againt Pedri, but
he's done a very good job defending his friend until now.
Yep. Jun's actually very good at what he does. He's just surrounded by
people who are far more powerful than he is.
<A COUPLA PARAGRAPHS, ONLY>
> "Hotaru?" Jun barely had time to lift the branch he was
> carrying, knocking aside one of the creatures as it flew at him. The
> giant insect (or whatever it was) bounced off of an old elm tree and
Um, why don't you try to include the parenthetical statement into the
narrative?
Nah, I think I'll just drop it. Like you said, it's not that necessary, and
I can't think of a way to ease it into the narrative.
<SNIP, AGAIN>
> Another
> of them jumped on top of him, and he fell to the ground.
However, you might want to change this sentence a little, as you already
used this structure in the same paragraph.
That's a good point. I suppose I should try to think of another way to put
it. ^_^
Yes, I'm being picky, and yes, this is a nitpick. But, hey, your prose is
so
good I see myself forced to be picky. ^_^
WALLY: Of all the little joys in life, I enjoy nitpicking the most!
DILBERT: You know, this might explain your divorce.
WALLY: You wouldn't believe what SHE thought was fun...
"DEATH..." Hotaru lifted her staff, and energy started gathering around
it.
Soon, she was holding a spear of purple fire, and the nearby trees were
bathed in the dim, unreal light it casted. Shadows danced across the
forest,
and the insectile creatures stopped their attack, suddenly wary.
"REBORN..." Silence reigned, and Jun's shouts were drowned by Hotaru's
power. Silent battles (TM ^_~) were fought in that same forest, as many
fought to stop the unstoppable.
"...REVOLUTION!"
"Huh?" said Utena intelligently.
^_^
It'd be great, I know it. More, much more, if _you_ write it. A fan
awaits...
Rest assured. Hotaru Tomoe will eventually have words with Pedri and his
siblings. And we know damn well what those words will probably be, don't we?
> "Silence Wall," she explained, and Jun simply nodded, gasping
> for breath. Holding his arm against his side, the dark-haired young
> boy shakily rolled onto his feet and grabbed the fallen tree branch.
> It had broken when he struck that one in the head, he noticed, and
> felt the jagged edge of the branch. Just as well; it would be easier
> to use one-handed if it was shorter.
Heh. Always looking to the brighter side of things, I see...
JUN: I can't move one of my arms... Ah, who cares? One less thing to
worry
about.
Homer Simpson: Uhh... Getting light-headed. Good! No heavy head to weigh me
down!
> Damn, but he wanted his sword! The insectile creatures were
> pounding rhythmically on Hotaru's force field, and the raven-haired
> girl was beginning to tremble with the effort of maintaining it. At
> least if he had his blade, Jun thought, he could put up a better
> fight. Some twisted old branch wasn't even a suitable replacement
> for his bokken. First chance I get, he decided, I'm getting a decent
> weapon.
Foreboding, maybe? Magical weapon of sorts...
Nah, it'd be too easy, and if I read you right, you want to make thing
for
Jun as hard as possible.
Trust me. If Jun ever gets something like that, he'll wind up regretting it.
Part of wanting power so badly can be taking it from places one really
shouldn't...
> Icestorm squealed merrily and hung onto his horns for dear life.
> Thrown clear of the massive youma's head when he stopped and turned
> suddenly, the blue-haired girl gleefully somersaulted into the midst
> of their foes. Long blades of ice formed from the palms of her hands,
> and she giggled as she cut a swath through the bugs.
ICESTORM: This is, like, a real carnage. *giggle* I'm, like, totally
kicking
ass. *giggle*
Yup, that'd be her. She's such a cute little sociopath, isn't she? ^_^
> Lightning crackled, and five of the nearest mantis-like
> creatures were incinerated. Sailor Thunderstorm leapt over towards the
> Hotaru and Jun, landing in a crouch in front of them as she stared at
"The Hotaru and Jun"? I think you missed something here. If you didn't,
drop
the "the".
Whoops! I originally had said "the pair", and then decided to just say their
names. I guess I missed deleting one of the words. Eh, it happens.
> Someone placed their hand on Jun's uninjured shoulder, and
> he jumped, looking behind him. With a smile, Sailor Lightstorm gestured
> to the forest behind them with her thumb. "You two mind getting back
> to camp, already? You're sort of in the way, here."
>
> Jun looked back and forth between Lightstorm, Hotaru, and the
> battle. "B-but... What about the fight? Don't you need help?"
LIGHTSTORM: Now that you mention it, yes, we could use some help. Why
don't
you go to the camp and get the others?
JUN: ...
LIGHTSTORM: Ah, you meant you? Er... *giggle* Y-yes, I... *giggle*
Sorry...
*giggle*
Hehehe. ^_^
<SNIP>
> Something very large clamped down on Vyne's left leg. Something
> equally large clamped around the back of his head, and he suddenly
> found himself becoming much friendlier with the ground than he had ever
> intended. Crap, he thought, as he tried to breathe topsoil, forgot
Drop the comma after "thought".
Check. Consider it taken care of.
> about the blasted minotaur behind me. That was pretty damn stupid.
>
> "I'm not very happy," Takenoko snorted, and placed his knee
> against the small of Vyne's back. The smaller man's spine began to make
> a rather unpleasant creaking sound. "I think I'm going to tie you
> into a bow knot. Or possibly a sheepshank. And then, I'm going to pluck
Um, I don't have a clue what a "sheepshank" is, but this sure sounds
painful.
It's just another type of knot. And one which it would be most painful to
get tied into, I imagine.
<SNIP>
> Tytoung snapped his tail like a whip and the armoured Masho of
> Poison was sent hurtling across the battlefield like a cannonball.
> Crashing into a tree, the green-haired man bounced off and flopped
> onto his chest, eyes shut.
>
> "Naaza!" Anubis ducked under the slashing scythes of the insect
> he was grappling with and glanced over at the motionless Masho. Ramming
> his no dachi into his opponent's abdomen, he sent it flying into a
> crowd of its fellows. "Are you well?"
NAAZA: Well, most say I'm nuts, but other than that...
"Most"? Nobody has ever once accused Naaza of being anything but completely
and totally cuckoo. It's not like he can even disagree with them.
<rant> By the way, does anybody understand why Naaza was called "Sekhmet" in
the dub? That's the name of an Egyptian FIRE GODDESS with the head of a
LION. What the heck does any of that have to do with a MAN who has the power
of POISON and SNAKES? </rant>
<IT'S NOT MY DAY...>
> "That's Tytoung!"
>
> "Ty-who?"
Um, wasn't "Tytolung" his real, formal name? Seeing that Nasuti only
heard
about him in ancient scrolls, I'd think that would've been the name she
found.
It was. It was also the name she called him by. My "l" key jammed on me.
(shrugs) It happens, ne?
Besides, it'd give Tytoung another reason to get angry... ^_^
NASUTI: That's Tytolung, one of--
TYTOUNG: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
NASUTI: Uh-oh.
Hehehe. ^_^
> "He's one of Pedri's pantheon! The god of hunger!"
>
> Naaza blinked. "Well I'll be damned, and twice on Thursdays! A
> god, is he? Never killed one of THOSE before..." He shrugged. "Guess
> there's a first time for everything." Raising his voice, he taunted
Are they really gods? If that's the case, what would "Mother" be? A gods'
Goddess?
Now, now, now, my good friend. As a certain Trickster Priest would be sure
to tell you: "Sore wa himitsu desu!"
In other words, I ain't saying nothin' about that. If I went and told
everybody, it would ruin the story. And I won't do that. No matter how
tempted I am.
<SNIP, AGAIN!>
> enemy's chin. Tytoung flipped onto his back like a well-turned pancake,
> and Naaza cackled triumphantly. Tytoung's tail swept up and smashed
> into the side of the Masho's head, knocking him to the ground as well.
>
> "Damn," Nasuti heard Naaza mutter as she fled, "if you can hit
> like that, this might actually get fun... C'mere!"
Heheheh. I love this guy. Nazza rules! ^_^
An opinion I share. He's almost as much fun to write about as he is to read
about! There's something about the guy that just makes him rock. Maybe it's
the way he has no connection to reality whatsoever.
> **********
>
> "Well," Rajura said calmly as he stepped to the side and let
> a flying body hurtle past him, "this is most expected." Another of the
> seemingly limitless enemy lunged at him, and the Spider Masho killed
Um, I think we had this discussion before... "Enemies" instead of
"enemy".
Yes, we did. But I still maintain that "enemy" can be the plural of "enemy"
just as easily as "enemies". Let's just write it down to stylistic
differences, okay?
<MINI-SNIP>
> "SUBMARINE REFLECTION!"
>
> "URANUS SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" The twin blasts merged and
> swirled around each other, slamming down the attacking creature's
> throat and leaving it an empty husk that broke into ash the second
> it touched the Senshi. Rajura clapped.
RAJURA: There's no such thing as "overkill", Rajura sez.
Darn straight! As Rajura would argue, "overkill" doesn't exist. He calls it
"just-the-right-amount-kill".
> "Haruka-papa! Michiru-mama!" Clad in the purple and white fuku
> of Sailor Saturn, Hotaru burst into the clearing. Her uniform was torn,
> and she was bleeding from several shallow cuts on her arms and face.
> Seeing her adoptive parents, the girl began to run towards them.
>
> "Hotaru!" Haruka called, sitting up and hurling the Space
> Sword, "DUCK!"
...Sword. "DUCK!"
or
"Hotaru," Haruka called, sitting up and hurling the Space Sword, "DUCK!"
Good point. I'll use the latter, thanks! ^_~
<SNIPS ARE EVIL... I LOVE 'EM!>
> Kayura looked around expectantly. "Where's Naaza? Has anyone
> seen him?"
SETSUNA: Yes, I have.
KAYURA: Where is he?
SETSUNA: Oh, you meant recently? Sorry, all these time handling can get
confusing...
You know, sometimes I have to wonder just how messed up Sailor Pluto must
get at times. When you think about it, somebody who spends most of her time
outside of the time stream, and can see not only the past, but also the
present and future, must really have trouble keeping them straight
sometimes.
<SNIP, SNIP, SNIP!>
> "Keep running!" Anubis' voice echoed through the night. "Head
> downstream! The water will get rid of our scent!" The sound of
> laborious sloshing and splashing suggested that he was practicing what
Typo: practising (AmE --> BrE)
Grrrrr... Stupid blasted American -> British spelling! Why must I ALWAYS do
this at least once in every single chapter I write? WHY? >_<
> he had preached, so Haruka bit her lip and kept wading. The water got
> waist deep very quickly, and somebody cursed under their breath. The
> sounds of the battle were already faint, buffered by the trees and
> underbrush of the forest, and drowned out by the roar of the river.
>
> There was a muted splashing sound, and something gurgled.
> Haruka paused and remembered several of the horror movies she loved
> watching. Not so much because she enjoyed them, but they scared the
> hell out of Michiru, and having Sailor Neptune latched onto her was
> pretty much Haruka's definition of a good night. At the moment,
> however, she was wishing she had paid even less attention to the damn
> movies, because all she could think of were pirahna, and mutant
Typo: piranha
> crocadiles,
Typo: crocodiles
Thanks for putting them close to each other, Morgan! :-p
Thank you for that, my friend. I still don't understand how I overlooked
those two. I guess I was typing to quickly again. Ah, well, will fix.
And you're welcome. I try to make this easy for you guys, after all. :b
> and big, slimy things with lots of tentacles...
KAYURA: Ah, no, wait. The last one came from my collection of hentai
manga...
HARUKA: Oh, really? You've got one too?
> "Uh," she said softly, "there isn't anything in this river that
> might want to eat us, is there?"
O_O
You mean, like a fanboy or something...? ^_^
Woah, now THERE'S a threat that even the mighty Sailor Uranus would fear: an
army of drooling fanboys.
Hehehe. I just got this bad image of Haruka tripping Rei or Minako into the
horde and running away while all the fanboys were busy.
> "Probably," Anubis' voice responded from the inky blackness,
> "but I doubt any of them are up yet. Most predators are nocturnal."
"Most" being the key word here...
Well, that and the fact that it's already night, something Anubis decided to
gloss over.
> Kayura remained surprisingly calm as the prehensile tongues
> lashed around her arms and waist, hauling her into the air with
> Setsuna, whose Garnet Ball force field was proving rather hard to chew.
> "Anubis," the young woman said passively, and the Wolf Masho snapped
> to attention.
Wow. I think I hadn't seen that technique before. The Garnet Ball force
field, I mean.
It's one of her powers, though. Just one that not many people bother
mentioning. Actually, I believe she only ever uses it in the manga, but just
because she never used it in the anime doesn't mean she doesn't have it,
right? At least, that's my logic.
> "As you command, my Empress," he said calmly, and leapt towards
> her, drawing his blade in mid-air. Silently, he soared past the
> writing ropes of muscle, red satin cape flapping behind him. At first,
Typo: writhing
Blast! Will fix.
<SNIP>
> Vyne soared through the air like an arrow from a bow, arcing
> across the night sky with only an occasional, powerful flap from his
> gigantic wings to keep him propelled. The air currents were doing most
> of his work: he preferred to save his energy by gliding.
Wouldn't it be "most of the work"? Or is it the same? Um...
Same thing. Just another little stylistic difference.
> "Don't worry," he said in as civil a tone as he could muster.
> "I'll let you go soon enough." Turning his face forward, Vyne watched
> as the cliff edge drifted closer. "In fact," he added, "I think I'll
> just let you go right now." Swinging his legs in front of him, he
> released the girl and watched as she flew, shrieking, into the cold
> night air. Arms and legs flailing, she hurtled over the cliff edge like
> a well-hit baseball, plummeting into the darkness. With the satisfied
Okay, but well-hit baseballs usually don't travel downwards...
Neither did Hotaru, right away. I was trying to describe the kind of
arc she'd be flying in. After all, he was flying pretty fast, and he didn't
just let go of the girl: he threw her as hard as he could.
<ONE LAST SNIP!>
Ugh. At the end of the previous scene you wrote:
"With the satisfied smile of a man whose job had been well done, Vyne
swung
back around and headed back towards the others he had been following.
After
all, he reasoned, Pedri only said he wanted the Masho alive. It was only
prudent to take care of their lackeys first."
I'm sure you notice the repetition of the sentence. Maybe you should move
these sentences to the end of the chapter, and rewrite the last scene.
I was repeating myself for effect. I guess it didn't work very well.
Oh, well, I'll go back over those two scenes and tinker with them a little
and see what else I can come up with.
> down, he thought to himself, and chuckled as he soared away.
>
> **********
>
> To Be Continued...
Three words I always love to hear.
And I always love to write. Looks like we've got a pretty sweet arrangement
here, don't we? ^_^
Well, pal, great work, as usual. Hardly any grammatical error, and the
there
weren't almost typos, either (not that I care about those). In fact, I
have
to apologize for the lack of comments, but your prose just gets better
and
better. You're not making my work any easier, y'know? :-p
Sorry. I'll try to make sure my next chapter has more errors. ^_^
Although honestly, it doesn't matter. It's great as always to hear from you,
my good man, and I'm glad you took the time to drop me a line. Rest assured,
I'm going to make most of the changes you suggested, and I can't wait for
the next Silent Battles so I can try to return the favour.
I msut congratulate you on the well-written action scenes. Very graphic
and
lively, with very good descriptions. I can't wait to see Naaza and
Tytoung's
fight--that's going to be good, I just know it.
I certainly hope so. I think Naaza will even make an interesting opponent
for Tytoung. Tytoung is far stronger than Naaza, but Naaza is so fast that
Tytoung can never quite get his hands on the little guy. Tytoung is so big
and tough that Naaza's poison won't help him much, and Naaza is so crazy
that Tytoung could pound him into a bloody pulp and the guy would keep
coming back for more.
BTW, what happened with Shutendoji? That's a subplot I'd found most
interesting, but you haven't mentioned him for quite some time now.
Actually, there's a simple reason for that. He only appears in Hotaru's
dreams, and Hotaru herseld hasn't been around quite as much as she will be.
Rest assured, he'll be playing a bigger role as the chapters go by. He's
also going to be in Chapter 11, so rest assured I have not forgotten about
the former Oni Masho! ^_^
Hope this helps, Morgan! Now on to chapter 11, ne? ^_~
Yup! I've already begun! ^_~
So long, my friend, and thanks again for writing!
-Morgan Hudson
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