NEWS FLASH! AniLesboCon is a real event, for more info
and to look at the website in production, check the credits
of this dinky spamfic.
Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY FOUR: Secret Weapons
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen
sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
MAMIYA: (Exclaims loudly.) We must stop, Touga! Quick,
Mikage-kun, hand me the secret weapon!
MIKAGE: (Gasps.) The secret weapon? Are you sure?
MAMIYA: (Scowls.) That's what I said, didn't I?!
MIKAGE: (Frowns slightly.) Okay, okay, no need to be such a
Grumpy Gus... I'll get it for you.
(There's a moment of dramatic pause and Mikage leans over and
then, out of nothingness, he produces... a net!)
MIKAGE: (Hands the net to Mamiya.) Be careful with it,
Mamiya-chan. The secret weapon is wily indeed.
MAMIYA: (Nods solemnly.) So it is, Mikage-kun, so it is.
(Mamiya then throws the secret weapon, ehh... I mean, the net out
of the elevator and miracles of miracles, it actually lands on Touga
who is several feet away.)
TOUGA: (Distantly shouts.) Curses! A secret weapon!
MAMIYA: (Soft and evil chuckle.) That's right, Touga. We've
ensnared you in our horrible trap and now we'll deliver you to the
hands of the most heartless gangster to ever exist inside the limits
of Ohtori!
MIKAGE: (Blinks.) Who's that?
MAMIYA: (Twitches.) Miki, of course!!
MIKAGE: (Blinks again.) Miki's a gangster now?
MAMIYA: (Twitches more.) Of course he is! If he wasn't a
gangster then why would he be doing illegal things like running a
crime syndicate and calling himself Miki the Hut?!
MIKAGE: (Blinks one more time.) He's called Miki the Hut now?
Wow, I'm really behind on the times, huh?
MAMIYA: (Groans.) Oh, forget it. Lets just get out of this
elevator and deliver Touga to Miki. Or at least give Miki a call so
he can get his minions to pick him up.
MIKAGE: (Shrugs amiably.) If you say so, Mamiya-chan.
SCENE: A ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn. Aino Minako
stands still, reading the official note she received from the Chair of
AniLesboCon. Several people nearby ogle her and contemplate
the lame bow she always has on.
MINAKO: (Slowly reads.) You have been picked for a important
task, Aino Minako, a momentous task, a task that can only be
done by you and you alone. You must go alone in this venture, no
help may be given by your fellow Senshi and various lovers and
crushes. For this task will lead you down a road of self discovery
and knowledge that you must only travel down alone. (Pauses in
her slow reading to blink.) This sounds really serious... I wonder
what they're going to ask me to do? (She goes back to her slow
reading.) You hold the fate of the convention's success in your
grasp, Minako, so please, don't fail us. We place our utter faith in
you and your ability to succeed in your task, which is the most
important of ventures. (She pauses again and ponders.) What the
heck am I doing? Am I the guard for some important big wig with
death threats? It better not be Fatora I'm guarding... (She goes
back to reading.) Life is a bowl of cherries, lemonade is made out
of lemons, and cherry blossoms fly in and out of Anime all of the
time. These things are known facts. Just like it's a known fact that
in order to sit, people need seats. Your task, should you choose to
accept it, and you must choose to accept it to remain at the
convention, is to make sure that during all events everyone has
enough seats to sit in. A difficult task, we know, but we believe
you can do it. Good luck and good chair finding, Minako.
(There's a long pause of silence as Minako stares dimly at the
letter in her hands.)
MINAKO: (Stares at the letter.) This is a joke, right...? (When no
one replies, she groans.) This isn't a joke. (She heaves a sigh and
mutters.) What a lame job. Oh well, I might as well get to work.
(Shaking her head, she walks out of the ballroom.) Make sure
there's enough chairs for everyone to sit on... yeesh... even
Mamoru could do this.
SCENE: A room inside of the French Le Ramada Inn, it's much
larger than any normal room would be mainly thanks to the
wonders of subspace and Washuu, who sits in one of her fancy
floating chairs typing at her clear keyboard.
WASHUU: (Typing. Laughs quietly.) Perfect, it's perfect! They
were right... the two of them have entirely flawless genetic material
that makes them perfect lesbians! Even the hairs I stole off of their
heads are perfect!
(Flashback scenes follows.)
SCENE: Second unmain ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn.
Tenoh Haruka is playing the piano on stage, along with Kaioh
Michiru who plays violin. Their audience is enraptured.
HARUKA: (Mutters to herself.) I still can't believe that Maya beat
me in that contest... how is it possible? Aren't I the sexiest Senshi
of them all? And aren't I unbelievably bishonen? And most of all,
aren't I damn smooth?!
MICHIRU: (Hisses quietly.) Behaveeee...
HARUKA: (Smirks.) Or what? I'll get a spanking?
MICHIRU: (Smirks also.) Or you won't get one.
HARUKA: (Groans.) No fair.
(Suddenly, Washuu appears out of nowhere, well not Washuu
exactly, but her arm appears out of a tiny black hole and yanks a
hair from Haruka's head.)
HARUKA: (Yelps in pain.) Hey! My hair! I styled it!!
MICHIRU: (Quirks an eyebrow.) You styled it?
HARUKA: (Sheepishly.) Okay, I combed it.
SCENE: The ultra cool penthouse suite of the French Le Ramada
Inn. Arisugawa Juri sits on her bed surrounded by a hoard of her
girl groupies as she goes through her business papers. On the edge
of the bed sits Takatsuki Shiori.
JURI: (Going through papers.) We've got a lot of press and a lot
of supporters... but is that enough?
SHIORI: (Paints her nails.) Well, what else exactly do you want,
Juri-sama? I think that's good enough, personally.
JURI: (Ponders thoughtfully.) I think we need more... I think that
we need something catchy.
SHIORI: (Paints her nails.) What? Like a catch phrase?
JURI: (Frowns and murmurs.) Maybe. You know, something like,
'Anime lesbians, you can't watch just one', or something like that.
(Pauses to think. Her eyes then go bright and she exclaims.) I
know! We need a mascot.
SHIORI: (Looks up. Echoes.) A mascot?
JURI: (Nods.) A mascot. That's what AniLesboCon needs, Shiori.
Someone to represent it, a new mascot for the new era. One that
will show our clear superiority over all other Anime characters.
We can even make it a contest for our convention goers!
SHIORI: (Dry tones.) Yeah, that'll be fun.
(Suddenly, just like before, Washuu's arm appears out of tiny
black hole to yank a hair from Juri's head.)
JURI: (Yelps in pain also.) My scalp!
SHIORI: (Blinks.) Your scalp?
JURI: (Scowls as she looks around.) Someone just yanked one of
my hairs out of it, I'm sure. (She focuses on her girl groupies.) Was
it any of you? I thought that I told you stop making voodoo dolls
of me. Because no matter what Ataru says, it won't help you win
my heart. And they're just really creepy to look at as well.
GIRL GROUPIES: (Wail disheartenedly.) We didn't do it!
JURI: (Eyes narrow.) Then who?
(End flashback scenes.)
WASHUU: (Smiles scarily.) Now with their genetic material I can
do what no one has ever dreamed of but everyone has secretly
wanted! (She pauses then says in a dramatic boom.) I can create
the ultimate Anime lesbian!!
SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena is rapidly falling
down them. As she does so, loud and disturbing bells ring out in
the background. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
UTENA: (Still falling down the stairs. Sings aimlessly to herself as
she falls.) Oh, come on Eileen... you know what I need... uhm... I
forget the other lyrics... come on, Eileen. You're grown... so
grown up... now I must say more than other... we'll sing just like
our fathers... I forget even more lyrics due to brain damage...
come on, Eileen... these people around here... with beat down
faces... but not us, no, not us... we're far too young and clever... I
forget a lot more lyrics and I'm getting a migraine again so I'll make
up my own song... I've been on this scene forever... when will I
ever finish falling down these damn neverending stairs? Why can't
someone rescue me? I'm cute and bishonen and in Anime, you
know that means everything. So come on, Utena fans, you are far
too obsessive and nerdy not to save me... Anthy in her dress, your
thoughts about her and me, you confess are just plain dirty... oh
come on, Utena fans, save me, I swear it means everything to me.
Come on Utena fans, if you rescue me, I swear that I'll take off
everything. Ohhh, you know Anthy hates that dress and I can get
her to wear even less, so come on, Utena fans just get off your
butts and rescue me. Come on, Utena fans, it's just an easy step
away towards a naked parade... at this rate, things won't ever
change, I'll keep falling forever. So come on, Utena fans, you
mean everything to me... ohhh Utena fans, you damn well mean
everything to me...
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely
and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays
faintly in the background.
B-KO: (Dry tones.) After that, we have nothing to say.
A-KO: (Nods.) What could we say after that?
C-KO: (Shrugs.) How about... 'Please, one of you rescue Utena
before she sings her version of Pretty in Pink?'
B-KO: (Snickers.) That'll work.
A-KO: (Shudders.) I think it'd be worse if she sang her version of
Ice, Ice, Baby.
C-KO: (Shudders as well.) That's just evil.
B-KO: (Shakes her head.) Nah, what if she sang her version of
Workin' Nine to Five?
C-KO: (Giggles.) While dressed up like a cowgirl and using a
thick Southern accent.
A-KO: (Grimaces.) That's truly horrifying.
(As the Shadow Play Girls continue to come up with worse songs
for Utena to sing her own version of, the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
AniLesboCon 2000 still be going on?! Can Touga survive the
wrath of Miki the Hut?! Is it possible for Minako to get enough
chairs for everyone?! And is Washuu really making the ultimate
Anime lesbian?!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
AniLesboCon 2001; Because all the best women are animated:
http://members.xoom.com/alc2001/home.htm
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"No one makes fun of my cape!"
-Kane; Lost Universe-
NANAMI: (Huffs.) Buddy, if I wasn't out of breath from being
chased by a guy more perverted than my brother and Aiko
combined, I'd do more than make fun of it...
MAZE: (Pops up. Is in girl form now.) What would you do,
Nanami-chan?
NANAMI: (Screeches and jumps high into the air.) Maze! It's
you! Don't molest me!!
MAZE: (Blinks.) Molest you?
NANAMI: (Stares at Maze.) Wait... you're you again, aren't you?
(Moves in close.) Are you still horny?
MAZE: (Turns bright red.) Oh... that was male Maze. I'm sorry,
Nanami... he's sort of a... uhm...
NANAMI: (Offers.) Horny pervert?
MAZE: (Nods.) Exactly.
NANAMI: (Considers this and shrugs.) Well, I guess I can deal
with him. But only when he's tied up.
MAZE: (Turns even redder.) He might like that...
NANAMI: (Groans loudly.) I didn't need to hear that.