Date:
10 Aug 2000 13:59:44 -0000
From:
"Irene Ying" <irene@furinkanhigh.com> | Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [FFML][Ranma][Fic] \"O-tomodachi\"
Hi, ^)^
My comments@@
Well, this is my first attempt at posting something to
this newsgroup.
. .
I have chapter one here, but I have about ten more
chapters stored on
my computer. if it's really bad, though, I'll stop
writing it. I'd
just appreciate some comments. . .well, you know. ^_^
Email: irene@furinkanhigh.com
@@Everything is IN MY OPINION (IMO) Only.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
However, please do _not_ base what you write
and how you write on what I or anyone else says.
My comments are based on _my_ perceptions, likes,
dislikes, etc.
You should write because you enjoy
writing. And, as author, your opinion is
the only one that matters.
A superb treatise on writing that will tell
you much more than I can::
Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury
ISBN: 1-877741-09-4
--------------------------------------------------------
O-TOMODACHI
CHAPTER ONE
"RANMA!" Akane screamed. Ranma was running for
his life, almost literally.
"What did I do now?!" He demanded as he ran atop
the fence, out of her reach. Actually, she was
wielding a bokken this time and reminded him of
Kuno, which was not a good thought. Akane ran
faster, swinging the sword.
@@cute. glad you didn't use a "mallet" ^)^
"How could you even say my cooking was toxic!"
She shouted, reminding Ranma of his crimes.
"I worked really hard on it, you know!"
@@I'm of two minds about this. Akane's
"toxic" cooking is, IMO, overused in fanfiction
as a source of conflict. On the other hand, it's
actually
done rather well in this case. However I think
a different conflict might be better. Other
possible sources of conflict are insults about
her martial arts ability, Ranma in a compromising
situation with another woman or insulting her
feminine attributes. (although cooking does
fall into this category.)
"Yeah, but you could have--" Ranma was cut off
as the sword made contact. He jumped ahead and
ran faster, using his maximum speed. Thankfully,
Akane lagged behind very soon.
@@ I'd like a bit more description here.
It's rather bland and doesn't really convey
much of a feeling of the action and emotions
involved.
***
Ranma was still running, not taking a single
look back. He was too afraid that Akane might
be still on the chase. Until the fence ended,
he had no idea where he was headed. Finally,
he jumped off and landed in a small park. That
is, he landed in the pond.
@@Plausible since the Japanese street/building
numbering conventions are rather arbitrary. (often
numbered according to when they were constructed)
Even natives get lost outside of their immediate
neighborhood. Still, this section is rather
minimalist.
I think it could be improved with a more developed
scene. Something to help the reader see and feel what
is going on. From the description given, all Ranma
has to do to return is follow the fence back home.
Instead of simply saying "he had no
idea where he was headed", make the reader _feel_
Ranma getting lost. Perhaps with more detailed
descriptions
of his headlong twisting, turning flight.
Spluttering, Ranma climbed out, feeling her
clothes soaked with water and dripping with
algae. She wrinkled her nose and groaned.
She took off her outer jacket, leaving on a
white tank top underneath it.
"Baka," she thought. "Now I don't even know where
I am." She looked around, and everything was
unfamiliar. The buildings were a little newer,
and the park was smaller than the one in Nerima.
He saw several students walking, and their uniforms
were not the same as Furinkan High School.
"Darn it, I'm turnin' into Ryoga," Ranma thought
angrily. "Man, wonder how I'm ever gonna get home
from this mess. . ."
@@Follow the fence back? ^)^
For a martial artist who's roamed all
over Japan and China this just doesn't
seem very believable as written. At worst
Ranma would just have to ask a policeman
how to get back home. ^_*
"Are you okay?" a voice asked behind him. Ranma
turned around and found herself facing a girl.
@@This would be a good spot to give a few
bits of description concerning the "girl".
Example::
"facing a young girl."
"facing a girl with long hair and a kind smile."
Etc,etc, ^_^
"Um, yeah, I just. . .um, fell. I lost my way. . .
do you know where I am?"
"Sure!" The girl smiled. "You're in the Azuba
district of Tokyo. Where do you live?" She extended
a friendly hand. "My name's Takeno Himeko."
"I'm. . .I'm Saotome Ranma," she said lamely and
shook hands.
Himeko smiled. "Nice to meet you." Then she looked
at Ranma. "You're all wet. At least it's not a
cold day out, considering it's November. Here,
I'll. . ."
She pulled out a thermos of hot water. "Here, you
want some?" She poured some of its contents into
the cup lid and handed it to Ranma. But of course,
as luck would have it, a soccer ball came flying.
@@Errrr, hot water? Hot tea, hot chocolate, hot
coffee perhaps. While there might be a perfectly
good reason to carry a thermos of hot water around
the idea that someone would offer a person a cup of
hot water boggles my mind.
You might also introduce the soccer game earlier.
For instance, when Ranma is getting out of the pond
he might see that there is a game going on. Better
still
if he were knocked off the fence himself by a soccer
ball
or had to doge one getting out of the pond. This would
set-up
the plausibility of "Himeko" getting hit as well.
The projectile struck Himeko in the head. She
fell over, released the cup. . .which splashed
all over Ranma. As Himeko cried out and fell,
Ranma automatically went to catch her. . .
. . .
Himeko opened her eyes to find herself looking
at a very handsome, very well-built young man of
sixteen years.
He was dressed in the same fashion the red-headed
girl had been.
She wanted to scream and slap him. How dare a boy
grab her like that?
@@
Himeko: "You should grab me like _this_!"
<Grabs Ranma's hands and presses them firmly
against her derriere.>
Ranma: "eeeeep."
@@ Again, this section needs more build-up
and more description.
But as she looked up at him, it was all forgotten.
His hair was black, tied into a thick braid. His
eyes, looking at her in concern, were a beautiful
shade of deep, dark blue. His face was too beautiful
to be true. Himeko had never fainted in her life,
but all of a sudden, she felt dizzy and lightheaded,
as if something was about to happen. . .
@@blue?
Let me pull out my anime. . .
Hmmm, looking at "The Ranma � Video Jukeox."
Viz VideoVVRJB-001, I'd have to say _his_ eyes
are not blue, although female Ranma's eyes sometimes
do appear to be blue. Still . . . there are some
instances
where _his_ eyes appear to be a rather pastel blue as
well.
I also see sections with other eye colors, red,
golden, grey, etc.
Not a major point, IMO.
"You. . .who are you?!" Himeko demanded. Her face
turned a flaming shade of red. She wanted to
disentangle herself from his arms, but something in
her just didn't want to let go. His arms were so
warm, so strong. . .Himeko swallowed. She hated
having guys touch her, but. . .somehow, she didn't
mind this time.
@@Errrrr . . .I'm torn. On the one hand this
scene appears rather contrived. Boy-hating girl
falls in love with Ranma on site. (and let's not
forget the fortuitous "accident" with the hot
water that just happens to be on hand.) It
is well written though. I think the biggest problem
is that everything is happening too fast. There's not
enough build up to prepare readers for events. And
there's not enough description to allow readers to
feel what is going on. Slow the pace just a bit. Give
the reader more.
"So. . ." Ranma groaned. "Ah, well, guess you
know my secret?"
@@ Ranma: "Only you and Akane and Kasumi and
Ukyou and all of Furinken High and Nabiki and . . ."
Ranma's "secret" hasn't been a secret for a while.
Unless you count Kuno. ^_^ (plural)
Himeko looked at him. "What secret? Where'd the
girl go? Is she okay?"
"Er. . .I am the girl. That. . .that was my cursed
form. I'm. . .Saotome Ranma still. I'm the same
person."
Cheeks scarlet from utter humiliation, Himeko ran
away. Ranma stood there, mouth wide open and
staring.
@@Errrr . . .
OK, I can think of several reasons for Himeko to be
humiliated. Being held by a strange boy in public is
probably the best. I don't understand why Ranma is
so surprised?
Ranma: "Because people usually hit me on the head."
<sob>
"Don't you like me?" <hands Himeko a paving stone>
"Um. . .it's OK! Come back here!"
Himeko slowed her steps and turned slowly.
Ranma nodded.
@@errrr . . . <again>
Why is Ranma nodding?
Ranma: "To reassure her that
Aqua-transexual-martial-artists
are people too." <quickly sets up mobile podium and
loud-speakers>
"Aqua-transexual-martial-artists of the world UNITE!"
Akane:<WHAP> You PERVERT!
Kasumi: "I don't think that's what he meant."
Nabiki: "Too bad. <sighing> Another wonderful
photo opportunity waster."
Keep in mind that this is only _my_ opinion, based
on the way I write and what I like to read.
However I didn't follow this at all. Needs
a little more elaboration.
She walked back. It was getting late, and the sun
was starting to set over the park. For the first
time, Ranma took a careful look at Himeko.
She was about as tall as his girl form. She was
wearing her seifuku, a sailor suit set with a blue
collar, dark red kerchief tie, and pleated blue
skirt the same shade as the collar and cuffs.
The shirt was long-sleeved and had little cuffs
with red ribbon stripes. The collar also had the
stripes. The shirt ended exactly at the waist,
and when she ran, Ranma could see the waistband
of her pleated skirt. She had little pearl earrings.
Her face was pretty and delicate, a pale heart shape.
At the moment, her cheeks were lit up. Her hair
was very dark brown, with glossy, golden-brown
highlights where the light struck. Her eyes were
dark blue, the same shade as his, Ranma realized.
Her figure wasn't as well-endowed as Akane, perhaps,
but she was more slender. He could see that she
had a small-hipped, willowy figure. The red and
orange sunset illuminated her face shades of gold
and cream. Ranma swallowed and wished he hadn't
taken such a careful look at her.
@@Cute. And a very nice, detailed description.
My preference would have been to spread this
description through out the previous section. It would
help
flesh out the scene and avoids the large chunk
of exposition that I feel slows the action.
It really is very nice. Just a bit too large a chunk
in one spot. {Again, IMO ONLY) Other readers,
or more importantly the _author_ may disagree.
"What?" she asked softly. "Oh." She turned around,
but not before Ranma could see the glitter of tears
in her eyes. He heard her sniff a bit as she turned
around, holding her schoolbag.
"Well, I still need someone to show me the way
home," he pointed out gently. "Do you know the
way to Nerima?"
"Nerima? Wow, you're quite a distance away. . ."
she said flatly. "Yeah, I do know. Come on,
it's hard to explain. I'll have to walk you."
@@Showing the way is practical. However
the emotional transition seems rather abrupt.
I'd like to see a little more description to make
the segue smoother. Himeko has gone from
being a stranger, to longing for Ranma, to humiliation
to being willing to walk "quite a distance" with
this stranger. Again, this seems awfully fast. Slow
down and give more details. ^)^
"No problem," Ranma answered easily. "I don't
mind at all. Do you?" He looked over at her
in the eye.
@@Errr, Ranma could at least say thank you. ^)^
(rather than "No problem.")
Himeko's heart started racing. She had blushed
more in the last five minutes than in a lifetime.
"No, I. . .I'd love to. I just didn't want you
to think, you know, that I'm. . ." she sighed
deeply, then smiled. "All right, here we go.
It's this way."
Ranma followed her steps for a while, then jumped
on the fence. He realized that he probably could
make his way back just by following the fence again,
but he decided against it. He didn't want to hurt
Himeko.
@@Took him long enough to think of that.
And why would this hurt Himeko?
Himeko, he thought, running the name over his tongue.
It meant "princess", if he recalled correctly.
Takeno? Didn't that mean bamboo or something?
He looked at her. Well, she was good-looking
enough for a princess all right. . .he noticed
that her long, silky hair went nearly to her
waist. It was tied at the base of her neck with
a wide blue ribbon. Her glossy locks were
fluttering behind her as she walked.
She looked up to see him walking on the fence.
With a smile, she ran, leapt up--her skirt flapped
a bit, giving a view of a lacy slip--and landed
on the fence. Even in her slightly heeled shoes,
she walked very well on the fence. Ranma was
surprised and pleased.
"Do you do martial arts?" he asked her. Himeko
kept walking, but she turned around and started
to walk backwards. She took glances every now
and then to make sure she was going the right way.
@@How may ways CAN she go on a fence?
She nodded. "I used to, just a little.
@@just a little? And she's matching Ranma at
fence walking?
I didn't
have much time to train. I'm more interested in
science myself. . ." she blushed. "I. . .wanted
to continue, but I quit when I was eight or so."
@@Hmmm, at this point Himeko is starting
to look like "Mary Sue" otherwise know as
Annoying New Character .
See: http://subreality.com/marysue/links.htm
For various essays on the subject.
Ranma knew what she meant. "Yeah, I know the
feeling. You really want to keep going, but
it's a struggle, isn't it?"
Himeko sighed. "Yeah. Kempo took up so much
time. . ."
"Kempo?" Ranma was pleasantly surprised. "Hey,
that's the one I study, too! Maybe you and I
can practice together!"
Himeko shook her head. "You'd be too good for
me," she said with a grin. Her voice softened
and her eyes got a bit dreamy. Even then, she
stayed perfectly on the fence. Ranma was actually
impressed. She was blushing fiercely again, and
she was looking up at the heavens as if to thank God.
"Thanks," Ranma said. He wasn't sure what to
say. They walked in silence for a while, and
Himeko turned around. The sky was darkening,
the orange colors changing into darker blues
and violets. He could see a single star.
"We're here," Himeko announced unexpectedly.
She jumped, performed a flawless double back,
and landed on the ground. Ranma applauded,
then did the same thing. He looked around.
Finally, things were looking familiar.
"I guess you're home now," she said with a wistful
smile. Her eyes were gazing at him earnestly,
but with a little shadow of pain. "I. . .I'll
be going home. Have a good evening." She smiled.
"Hey, wait," Ranma said. "It's getting really
late. Why don't you come over for a bit?
Akane would probably like to meet you."
Himeko bit her lip. "Who's Akane. . ."
"My. . .well, my sort-of not-really kind-of
fianc�e."
@@Ranma: "Other than the fact she almost died saving
my life and I killed a demi-god trying to save
her, we don't really get along. And there was that
whole thing with the Orochi. And the Floating Island.
And the Seven Lucky Gods. And . . ."
"Oh." Himeko said. Of course, the good guys
were always taken. Shocked, she looked at her
hands and began playing with them. "I mean, I
don't want to. . .impose on you any longer. It.
. .it was great, knowing you. I'm so glad. . .
you. . .you'll remember me?"
"What the heck?" Ranma thought. "It's not like
this is our last goodbye or anything."
Out loud, he said, "All right, if you're sure.
But it looks like rain. Can I at least get you
an umbrella or something? Don't want you getting
soaked. . ."
He's actually concerned, Himeko thought with a
shiver. "Um. . .that's all right. . .I'm. .
.I'll be just fine."
"Do you want to call your parents from the
house?" Ranma asked.
"Um, no. . .my aunt's not going to be home
tonight."
"Aunt?"
"Yeah. I. . .my parents died when I was little.
I live with Obaa-san."
@@Geeez, doesn't ANYone in Japan have an intact
family?
Ranma barely had time to digest this fact when
he saw Akane at the front door.
"Ranma!" She called. "Hey, I was worried about
you! What's going on? And who's. . .she?"
"Is that Akane?" Himeko asked. "Ranma-san. . .
got lost and I took him home. That's all."
Akane sighed. "Oh, is that so. . .hey, it's going
to rain. Come on in for a bit. We can take you
home later."
"No, I'm going. Thanks for everything." Himeko
turned and ran off.
It was getting darker by the minute. Squinting,
Akane could barely make out Himeko's rapidly
retreating figure. She heard a faint tapping of
heels on concrete, and then no more.
"Dinner's ready. Oh, hello, Ranma," Kasumi said,
jerking him out of his thoughts.
"Oh, ah, thanks," Ranma said. "OK, let's go."
Akane stared after him.
End of Chapter One
--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for your patience in reading this.
Domo arigatou!
---Irene
@@Overall: Good writing. Very nice description in
places.
However it's very abrupt in spots, as indicated
earlier.
Spend more time developing and introducing Himeko.
Please remember that this is only _my_ opinion.
The meeting and subsequent actions of Ranma/Himeko
seemed very contrived. Himeko also appears to be
a "mary sue". She's just too perfect. Give her
a few flaws.
The story has possibilities. Add more detail
and transition more smoothly. Don't have things
happen so abruptly. Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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