READ THIS NOTE, IT'S IMPORTANT: I have misgivings about this fic. It was
difficult to write, and at least one of the kind folks who pre-read it hated
it, but all of them had strong feelings about it one way or the other. It
contains elements that you might consider to be significantly OOC, unless
you view characters as being subject to personal interpretation. I have not
diverged in any way from the sequence of events that take place in volumes
one, two and three of the _manga_ version of EVA, nor have I added anything
new beyond my interpretation of the thoughts, feelings and off-camera
events.
I appreciate any comments or criticism, public or private, but no
flames. If you hated it, tell me nicely.
"WHAT HER CRIMSON EYES BELIEVE IN"
A NEON GENESIS EVANGELION fanfiction by Dave Menard
Slightly darkish, mature themes.
EVA and all characters and situations copyright GAINAX. No
profit has been or will be made from this work of fanfiction.
This fic follows the manga continuity where possible. Dates
are all tentative guesses on my part. If anyone knows the
proper timeline, let me know and I'll change them. The title of the
story comes from the third chapter of volume three of the manga.
A hearty "domo arigato gozaimasu" to my pre-readers, Josh
"Gargoyle" Trujillo, Adrian Forest, Corwin, Steph, and
Kuniadam-sun Kisaragi Kasugano, who tried their best to keep me
from botching this; if they failed, don't blame them. I'm a
stubborn bugger.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
TOKYO-3 2015, three weeks before Third Impact
The Pilot gently knelt and picked up the slim,
pseudoleather-bound volume. The book was held closed with a
simple rubber band, and resembled nothing so much as a business
ledger. Incongruously, a small My Melody sticker, no larger
than the nail on a person's little finger, adorned the bottom
right corner of the pale blue book.
The Pilot hesitated, tracing the whorls and flecks of the
false grain of the cover with a fine hand. Then, almost
reverently, the Pilot sat down in the middle of the filthy
room and began to read.
The text read...
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
June 13th
I am uncertain as to what purpose this journal will
serve. Analyst Ibuki recommended that I keep a daily record of
my activities, above and beyond the Project E records. It
seems unnecessary, as Captain Katsuragi's observations, combined
with my reports to The Commander and my weekly communion with
the dummy plug system would, in all likelihood, be a
sufficient accounting of my actions.
Analyst Ibuki assured me that a "diary" is a useful tool
for self-reflection. Self-reflection, I told her, is
unimportant and a waste of time that may be more efficiently
spent elsewhere. This is not so, said Analyst Ibuki. When one
fully knows oneself, one can perform more efficiently.
I often find that it is pleasant, or rather, less
unpleasant, to interface with Analyst Ibuki as opposed to Dr.
Akagi, even though Dr. Akagi's knowledge base, schooling and
experience are admittedly superior to Analyst Ibuki's own. As
Analyst Ibuki is my superior, I acknowledged the order and
told her I would comply. Her reaction was curious. She asked
me not to regard this as an order, but a suggestion; that I
should attempt to maintain a diary for my own benefit. I
informed her that I would attempt it, if it was permitted by
The Commander. At this, Analyst Ibuki laughed. She stated that
The Commander would want to read it, and that the contents of
a young woman's diary should remain private, perhaps only to
be shared at some future time with a potential mate.
I have no intention of procuring a mate at any point in
the future, nor will there be time to do so, yet for some
reason, I declined to inform the Commander of these writings.
I am uncertain as to why.
Thus, I begin my chronicle with today, June 13th 2015. If
someday someone should read this in the unlikely event that I
do procure a mate, then I must apologise for my penmanship.
The majority of my right arm is in a cast.
Today the Third Child arrived. He is The Commander's son.
His name is Shinji. He expressed concern for my welfare. It
was... pleasing. I regret that I was unable to thank him for
his solicitude, as I was currently suffering from a multiple
severe injuries, including a punctured lung, which made
discussion difficult.
Today the Third Angel also arrived. He was the Angel of
the Waters. His name was Sachiel. I did not defeat him, due to
my inexperience piloting Unit-01. I regret that my
incompetence prevented me from fulfilling my duty and living
up to the expectations of The Commander. I shall endeavour to
perform better in future days.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
Today is June 14th.
Confined to my sickbed as I am, I have had some
opportunity to use the hospital's MAGI interface to research
the concept of diaries. The MAGI's dictionary defines "diary"
as:
1: A record of events, kept at daily or frequent intervals,
especially a daily record of personal activities, observations
and feelings.
2: A book or volume intended or used for a diary.
The etymology of the word is interesting. It is from the
Latin "diarium" from "dies day". "Dies" is Latin for God. Does
this mean that I am writing this for the benefit of God? This
does not seem logical. God is omniscient and omnipresent. Why
would he require a daily written accounting of my actions? I
would ask The Commander, but that would require revealing the
existence of this journal, which I am still strangely
reluctant to do. Or does it mean that a diary is a form of
prayer? The Commander says that prayer is inefficient, due to
the immanent nature of God.
Many of my researches indicate that a diarist seeks to
illuminate his or her true nature through their innermost
thoughts and feelings. Again, this endeavour seems redundant.
I already know who and what I am.
I am the second, and also the First. I have no family,
but many sisters. I am Ayanami Rei.
I saw the Third Child again today. He performed admirably
against the Third Angel, given his lack of training in the
operation of an Evangelion unit. It is... a shame. I had hoped
to continue to pilot the Evangelion Unit-01 myself. It was
indifferent to my presence, even accepting. Unit-00, I am
certain, hates me. Analyst Ibuki, Dr. Akagi and The Commander
all say that this is foolishness. The EVAs are not sentient,
they say, though they are alive. They do not "prefer" one
pilot over another, they have no emotions at all.
They are wrong.
This realisation is... disturbing. If The Commander is
wrong...
I have faith in The Commander. I have faith in His great
plan.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
It is June 15th today.
The Commander came to see me today, to allow me to bask
in the light of His wisdom. It was wonderful!
Soon, He says, I will be able to leave the hospital and
pilot EVA once more. I am glad that I will be able to continue
to fulfil The Commander's wishes.
Dr. Akagi came (with her cold eyes and her cold tools and
her cold hands stinking of cigarettes and the scent of The
Commander on her unworthy skin) to administer painful tests.
This was unpleasant, but I will continue to do my duty and
submit. It is all for The Commander's plan.
I hate her. I do not know why I feel this way about Dr.
Akagi. The Commander tells me she is competent and skilled,
and that the tests cannot possibly hurt.
I have faith in The Commander. The Commander's plan is
without flaw, guided as it is by His perfect wisdom.
And yet-
And yet the tests hurt. I do not understand why they
hurt. They do not always hurt. They do not hurt when Analyst
Ibuki administers them.
It is difficult to write further. I seem to have
developed a muscle spasm in my hand, so I will stop.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
Today is June 16th. I have been released from the
hospital and there are no synch-tests scheduled for today.
In the absence of anything constructive to do, I
determined that I should go to school. I do not wish to, but
if I do not attend at least sporadically, there would be
awkward questions asked of The Commander. He should not need
to trouble Himself over me.
The Third Child was present, and spent a considerable
amount of time surreptitiously observing me. Later on, he was
embroiled in a fight with Suzuhara, one of our classmates. I
observed but did nothing.
The Third Child troubles me. He does not seem to have
faith in The Commander, or His works. How is this possible?
If even one as lowly and worthless as I can see the wisdom of
The Commander's plan, the strength of His vision, then how can
his only begotten Son not have even stronger faith?
When I went to inform the Third Child of Shansel, the
Angel of Day's arrival, I prevented Suzuhara from perhaps
permanently damaging the Third Child. For some reason, the
Third did not seem pleased. I wanted to ask him why, but he
seemed withdrawn and shied away from me. I understood. A mere
tool like myself, an unworthy vessel for The Commander's grace
must be repellent to one as holy as he. I kept my own counsel
as we descended into the GeoFront.
The Third Child was not as efficient in battle as he
might have been, yet he was effective. His performance was
perhaps hampered by the presence of the two intruders,
Suzuhara and Aida, in the entry plug. I observed the battle in
the monitors of my plug; I was to be deployed if the Third
proved unequal to the task. From the chatter on the TACnet, I
gather that the Third disobeyed Captain Katsuragi's orders, and
had been insolent and insubordinate.
Why?
I do not understand the Third Child.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
It is the 17th of July, 2015.
Today Dr. Agaki said that I was sufficiently healed to
interface with the dummy plug system again.
My sisters are like new-born babies. All they understand
is stimulus and response and something of an affection towards
a parent. I suppose that I am as much their mother as Lilith
is. The Commander and his chosen performed the miracle that
gave us all life from Lilith's genetic stock; the LCL
nourishes their bodies. But my experiences, my life, nourishes
their minds.
There is nothing more pleasant than to be of one mind and
one body with my sisters. They are so innocent, so happy. To
commune with them is to commune with God's peace. The
Commander assures me that when his plan bears fruit, all of
humanity will be united, in one mind and one body, and will
know this peace, this joy.
I have sometimes wondered. Will we be one with God, or
will we surpass him?
When I ended my communion with my sisters I was informed
that the Third Child was leaving. I asked The Commander why.
Had his performance proved unsatisfactory?
"He is weak. He will be replaced. Rei, you will now pilot
Unit-01."
My heart leapt. He holds me so dearly that He judges me
fit to wear His Son's mantle! At the same time, I quietly
raged at the Third Child.
Why? How could he do this? Does he not have faith in The
Commander? Does he not understand that The Commander is
infallible?
The Commander is a great man, and I, if no one else, have
faith in Him.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
It is the 18th. I am... perturbed.
The Third has returned. He will pilot Unit-01 again. The
Commander, in His great mercy, has deigned to allow the
Prodigal back, to take his place in His grand plan.
And, like the obeisant sibling in the parable, I, who
have been faithful, who have performed my duty without
question, I sit and watch as the Third Child is given the
bounty of his father's estate, Unit-01. And I feel... jealous.
I know I am unworthy, but I am faithful to The Commander.
Why does He not see that? Is it because I failed?
I will succeed, then. I will synch with Unit-00, despite
the roiling anger and bubbling hatred that assaults me from
within the EVA's mind. I will master the beast, and prove me
worthiness to The Commander. Because I have faith in Him, and
I love Him, and He loves me.
I am holding His glasses in my hand. They are broken, and
useless, suitable only for the trash heap from which I took
them. Yet, they are a relic of His love.
He saved my life, plucked me from the jaws of my failure,
uncaring of the wounds He suffered for my sin. Me, a useless,
constructed thing. A living machine, like the EVA Units. We
are similar in many way, the EVAs and I; both are built by man
from designs stolen from God. We are both creations of The
Commander's genius, and we are all equally disposable. Should I
die, one of my sisters will take my place in The Commander's
plan with little or no disruption to the timetable.
I asked Him, as they loaded me onto the gurney that day,
my arm pulped, my skull cracked and bleeding, why He cared so
much for me, I who am nothing more than a tool.
He said to me, a warm smile on His face, that I may be a
created being, but it is in the nature of Creators to love
their creations, and that though I could be replaced, it did
not follow that He desired that I _should_ be replaced.
That is why I keep these glasses; they are broken, yet they
are loved and cherished, despite the fact that they are no longer
useful.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
I have not written in my diary for two weeks. It is now July
1st.
School continues even through the heat of the summer; the
curriculum, while not rigorous, is nevertheless thorough.
My injuries are now completely healed and the stitches
have come out. This is fortunate, as this week our Physical
Education teacher will be teaching swimming and watersports,
an activity I look forward to with relish, as do my fellow
students.
The Third Child, Ikari Shinji, was observing me while I
swam with the other girls of the class. I find his attentions
disconcerting.
I am used to being the target of lecherous gazes from
males of all ages and occasionally certain females; my body
was created to be beautiful. I have found that in most cases a
studied indifference to their desires is enough to discourage
the attention, and when it is not, the self-defence training
offered to NERV pilots has proven sufficient to the task of
dealing with those who would force their desires apon me.
The Third Child's eyes hold no lechery, only curiosity. A
far more dangerous thing.
At one point, he stuck his fingers up Suzuhara's nose and
began making monkey noises. I was uncertain as to what this
gesture was supposed to accomplish, so I merely continued to
return his gaze. My classmates, with the exception of the
class president, found his behaviour to be amusing. I do not
see what humour is to be found in making a classmate the object
of derision.
I find myself dwelling on the presence of Pilot Ikari. I
do not know why. He is weak, The Commander says so. Yet if
this is the case, why does he merit Unit-01? And why do I feel
some... connection to him? Is it because we are both Pilots?
I find my eyes sliding towards him with increasing
frequency. He is not unattractive, I suppose. He looks as I
would imagine The Commander looked, when He was young. There
is a sameness in both their features, in the slenderness of
their frames. I think it is the eyes that are most similar.
Pilot Ikari's eyes are careworn, yet warm. The
Commander's eyes are also careworn, but there is a hardness to
His gaze, like all the dross of youth has been burned away in
the crucible of pain, leaving a cold, pure light like the
glimmer of a gemstone.
Is that why Pilot Ikari is weak? Because he has not
passed through the flames and been tempered by them, as The
Commander has?
Sometimes, they both seem so deeply sad that the pain in
their eyes could strike you down were you to get too close,
like the charged particles of an AT Field.
When The Commander's plan comes to fruition, there will
be no more pain for them. They will know peace. I am glad.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
It is July 2nd.
In preparation for the second activation test with Unit-
00, I made my way to my entry plug. There are over one-hundred
and fifty-four individual items that must be inspected on the
entry plug for Unit-00, and I have familiarised myself with each
one. It is usually the task of the Technical Development
Department to perform these checks, but we pilots are urged to
become familiar with the instrumentation of the capsules, in the
event that we must perform these checks ourselves in the field.
I was in the process of double checking the seals on one
of the maintenance panels when He arrived.
I felt His presence before I saw Him. The Commander
stood, hands casually in His pockets, a soft smile curling His
lip. He was concerned that I might have been frightened of the
upcoming test. I reassured Him of my faith in His work, and He
smiled again, and reassured me of His continued faith in my
skills.
The Commander's smiles are the currency of my soul,
golden moments when I feel complete, whole and real. They are
rare and precious, those smiles.
We continued to talk for some time. He asked about my
schoolwork, and how my injuries felt. All the while, I felt
the eyes of the Third Child upon us.
It was not a jealous glare, but a yearning look. But for
whom did he long? For The Commander, for me, or for both of us?
I find the prospect of the Third desiring me strangely
thrilling. He is like his father in so many ways, it was as
though The Commander Himself desired me in that way.
I know that the Technicians gossip about The Commander
and I, claiming that we have sexual liaisons. I will not deign
to comment on those rumours. They are as far beneath me as man
is removed from God.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
It is July 3rd. Today I faced Unit-00 once more.
The Third Child delivered my new passcard today. He
almost damaged my- The Commander's glasses.
He is very clumsy.
I have determined that Pilot Ikari does indeed feel some
desire for me. I could feel him against my leg. I shall have
to remember to lock the door of my quarters.
He apologised for the brief, somewhat intimate contact. I
believe the incident was completely innocent. In order to
spare us both further embarrassment, I rapidly changed the
subject. The passcard delivered, he fled from my quarters.
He was waiting for me along my usual route to
headquarters. He seemed apprehensive, and nervous. Why? It was
an innocent accident. He expressed concern for my welfare once
more. He wondered if I was scared of my Unit-00.
"Are you scared of yours?" I asked him. I could not lie
to him. He is The Commander's Son. So I turned his question
around. It is something I have seen The Commander do when in
meetings with the Committee.
To my amazement, he answered that he was. It was
fortunate that my back was turned, else he might have seen the
shock on my face.
I almost stuttered as I asked him if he could not simply
have faith in The Commander's work.
"No, there's no way I can. Not in a father like him."
His response briefly enraged me. How could one NOT have
faith in The Commander? It was preposterous. It was insane! It
was... It was a test. A test of my loyalty to The Commander. I
turned to him, a smile of pure certainty on my face.
"I do," I told him, "I have faith in Him. The only thing
in this world I have faith in is The Commander."
That would satisfy him, and any of The Commander's men who
may have been listening.
As it happened, my reckoning with Unit-00 would have to
wait. Ramiel, Angel of Thunder attacked before the linkage
test could be initiated.
Pilot Ikari was scrambled in Unit-01.
Ramiel was a polyhedral construct possessing a particle
beam weapon capable of punching through an EVA's AT Field, as
Pilot Ikari found the instant his EVA emerged from the
GeoFront. Unit-01 was nearly cut in two. Pilot Ikari was
nearly boiled alive in LCL in the entry plug. The doctors are
uncertain whether he will survive.
It appears I may pilot Unit-01 after all. And yet...
I am troubled. I want to resent the Third. He is his
Father's son and heir, His chosen warrior. And he does not
love The Commander as I do. He has no faith in The Commander.
I am loyal, I am faithful, I love The Commander. Yet the Third
is given blessings the worth of which he does not know, or
care about. I want to hate him. I should strike him down as
Cain did Abel.
But I cannot.
He calls to me, this Third Child. Something about him is
luminous to my eyes, and I find myself wanting to go to him,
be one with him, and immolate myself in the flame of his
innocence. I have not felt this way about another living soul
save The Commander in all my life.
Yet Pilot Ikari does not require obeisance. He does not
require fear. I do not know...
How long have I feared The Commander? I love Him. I have
faith in His plan. He is pillar upon which rests the salvation
of mankind, and He deserves my devotion. I should not fear one
whom I love.
I will not fear The Commander. I have faith in His plan.
Tonight, I shall stand vigil over the Third. He shall not
perish. The Commander has need of him, and that cup will not
pass from his lips.
--------------------------<EVA>-----------------------------
Next: the battle against Ramiel.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Flame-proof underwear has been engaged. You may fire at will.
Dave Menard
-------------------------------------
Fanfiction pages: http://spghome.tripod.com/
"Just as there are laws of Conservation of Matter and Energy, so there are
in fact Laws of Conservation of Pain and Joy. Neither can ever be created or
destroyed.
But one can be converted into the other."
-Spider Robinson, 1977