Quotes returned to Internet-standard; I hope you don't mind...
On Fri, 07 Jul 2000, Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)
Aha! So this is what has been keeping you occupied?
Partly. I started writing this on 10 June, but my extended
(relative) silence is due to this and other factors. Details at
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/status.htm
if you're interested.
Warning: lots of snide comments below.
I anticipated nothing less. :)
"Well, let's see what's for lunch," he muttered to himself,
untying the pack's top flap and rummaging within. He stopped
suddenly and pulled out a package, opened it, and stared. Three
pork buns stared back at him. Smiling and shaking his head, he
remembered: he'd packed the night before, not really intending to
leave the next morning but ready to, and then.... "She musta put
you guys in there this morning," he said to the pork buns, taking
a bite out of one. Just before she'd chided him about the
complaint from the village elders about his "attitude problem"--
meaning he didn't defer to them just because they were women--
and the argument had begun.
Hmm. The sentence structure is a little confusing; I'm not sure
whether you mean Shampoo put in the pork buns just before chiding
Ranma or that she'd chided him before placing the buns. With the
split sentences it reads like the latter, but there's no comma
between 'Just before' and 'she'd chided', which implies the first
meaning.
The first is correct.
I must admit that I'm not above taking liberties with strict grammatical
correctness in the interest of narrative flow, and this is one of those
places. Technically it's not a complete sentence. I do appreciate such
comments, though, as sometimes it's NOT on purpose. :)
Perhaps you could rework the sentences and clarify?
I'll see if there's some way I can keep the flow I want while improving
clarity.
Ranma stood up and looked around, estimating that the spot
where he stood was near the southern limit of the territory the
Joketsuzoku claimed; the most direct way to Japan was east from
the village, but he was headed southwest past Jusenkyo, an
Not southeast?
Phoenix Mountain is plainly stated to be a small distance (perhaps 10-20
km?) south of Jusenkyo. The location of the Joketsuzoku village is not so
clearly given (as far as I know; I'd welcome references on this), but it
seems to be east of Jusenkyo, as Ranma, Genma, and the Guide were
heading for Japan when they came to it, and perhaps a little farther,
but not much.
I'm sure those hills are just laced with footpaths, and Ranma knows many
of them, and chooses his route for more than mere efficiency. This time
he departed the Joketsuzoku village in the morning and headed west and a
little south, even though Japan was east; he arrived at a point between
Jusenkyo and PM and a little east (right where I wanted him :) at midday.
alternate route he used when the weather was good and he wasn't
in a hurry. The stone had to have been placed as a marker,
though, and he found the reason: a barely visible, perhaps even
hidden, path leading south.
"Thrice-accursed aristocratic gumboil," Kiima muttered,
landing on the veranda of a building perched dizzyingly on the
side of the mountain. "Accosted on my own customary end-of-
patrol landing in front of my subordinates," as she stomped
Suggest: "Accosting me on my landing, right in front of my
subordinates,"
Actually, that raises another point: is it grammatically correct
to end the quotes with a comma there?
No, but it's on purpose. :)
Perhaps dropping the 'as'
and replacing the comma with a full stop?
I'll review this.
through a doorway, not sparing a glance for the intricately
carved phoenixes decorating it. "'You're not getting any
younger,' the mudhugger says," she fumed, turning a blind corner.
"Oops."
Suggest, since I don't think fuming is a form of articulation:
"'You're not getting any younger,' the mudhugger says." She
fumed, turning a blind corner.
I've seen "fumed" used as an attribution, and I didn't mind it... it
doesn't seem any more ridiculous than "exploded", and I'm trying to cut
down on my workhorse "said adverbly"... "said fumingly" just doesn't
work for me here. :)
The other woman cocked her head to one side, causing the
thin silver chains twined into her long, dark hair to chime
faintly. "Ah. So you're not going to be my brother's mate,
then?"
"Not if he were the last man in Phoenix Mountain," Kiima
said flatly.
Kiima: I'd rather let the race die out....
Yes. It's telling that this is not as great a hyperbole in her case, as
the situation is not so very far from that...
The stairway ended in a landing and a metal door set into a
wall blocking the passage. Ranma tried the handle; it was stiff,
but it turned. He pulled the door open-- and something rushed at
him out of the darkness beyond. He dodged sideways, thrusting
out a hand to fend it off, and found himself staring at a large
mallet, its handle hinged above the door on the far side.
Raising an eyebrow, he glanced down the steep descent that
awaited anyone incautious enough to be caught by the mallet, and
nodded in appreciation. "Nice try-- yipe!" An array of steel
spears dropped down from holes in the ceiling, and a busy moment
later the vertical rods constrained him in a contorted pose.
Heh. Ranma Croft? Or is it Genma Jones Junior, aka Nerima Jones?
Oh, the latter, I hope. :)
The intruder was an unarmed man of no exceptional stature, Kiima
noted, astonished; black pants, blue shirt, pigtail... and very,
very fast.
Uncertain, but perhaps a colon at this point, rather than a
semi-colon?
OK.
As she watched, he spun around and a scything kick
And I think a comma is necessary after 'he spun around'
mmm... perhaps, but it might mess up the cadence. I'll review.
sent a guard flying through the air, wings flailing limply.
Other guards were crumpled on the floor or draped over the
bulging sacks stacked on the floor of the granary.
Silence descended, save for the groans of the fallen guards
and the last flap of Kiima's wings as she landed. "I wasn't
aiming at you, fool. Good thing that part of the balcony was
under repair," she added to Koruma as her lieutenant arrived at
her side. "Curse it, I didn't want to kill.... Well, have him
given a decent burial, and tally up our casualties." The block
Suggest: 'Well, give him a decent burial, and...'
If Kiima said that, she'd be ordering Koruma himself to do the job.
"Have him given..." or "See that he's given..." make it clear that she
wants Koruma to relieve her of the details of burial, but that he, in
turn, may delegate the dirty work to someone more... menial. :)
The room he found himself in was a walled-off length of
cave. It was obviously a cell; the padlocked metal-barred
circular door was a dead giveaway, but the sparse furnishings
were also a good indication.
Again I'm almost positive that semi-colon should be a colon. The
definition I have is that the colon separates an independent
clause from words that will amplify or explain it. That seems to
fit the above sentence.
OK.
Kiima examined him, careful to concentrate on the "wingless"
and "short" aspects, for she couldn't deny that the man was fair
of face and figure. "I suppose he'd appeal to the Joketsuzoku,"
she said distantly.
Kiima: Nope, I'm not attracted to him one bit. Not at all.
She sure didn't seem to mind plastering her nude body to his in v37...
:)
"So where'd he come from?" Fanael asked.
"He appears to be from Japan, though dressed Chinese-style,"
Kiima replied. "Mid-twenties in age, I would judge, and in good
health--"
Wait, how does she know Ranma's from Japan?
He speaks Japanese? :) Chinese with a Japanese accent? :) No, wait,
Takahashi dodged the language issue entirely in that story, so I can
too... :)
I don't have much trouble telling Chinese from Korean from Japanese, and
that's just from growing up in Hawaii. I'm sure Kiima's more discerning.
"Oh, Kiima, I'm just kidding. I'm Fanael," she added to
Ranma. "Lady Fanael of the House of the Hawk."
Hah! I knew it: they're Dragaerans with wings!
Impossible. There's not a seventeen in the whole story. :)
Hmm, maybe I should put one in, just to confuse the issue... :)
Ranma had just finished his breakfast the next morning,
considerately setting the tray outside the bars and stacking the
dirty dishes on it, when another pair of visitors arrived. To
Ranma's eye, they were not as welcome as Fanael or Kiima would
have been: both men, both richly dressed, one with feathers of
black and red, one with light-brown plumage. "Hello," he said,
standing.
Ranma: Well, I'm definitely not gay in this fic, and I get to
score as well. I like that.
Kiima: So do I. ;)
"Holy shit!" Ranma gasped as he realized what was about to
happen. Taloned hands seized his upper arms. "Wait, no--
yaaaaaaaa!" The two birdmen took three running steps, dragging
him along, and then they were airborne, their wings overlapping
as they flapped in synchrony.
Hmm. My dictionary lacks 'synchrony'; perhaps 'synchronization'
instead?
er... it's in mine... ^_^;
It had to be a bedroom. No room could have a bed four
meters square and NOT be a bedroom.
Kodachi: Welcome to my parlour of love, Ranma-sama. I'd invite
you into the bedroom, but I'm currently redecorating.
Vince: Just hold your horses, Ko-chan, your turn is coming. ;)
"Maybe," Kiima said, but there wasn't much hope in her
voice. She didn't believe Saffron was a god on earth, as some
did, nor did she believe he was infallible, but her respect for
him as Lord of Phoenix Mountain was a tall citadel with deep
foundations. Letting Ranma escape had been her failure, and
atoning for it was her last duty.
Saffron: Hmph! I'm immortal, wield great powers, and have many
worshippers. What more could you ask?
Kiima: Well, personally, not having had to change your diapers would
help...
"I have mistaken you for someone else," Kiima said shortly,
sheathing her sword. "You are trespassing on the lands of the
Phoenix Folk, by the way." She laughed bitterly and looked west,
then east to where blue gloom crept up the side of a mountain
ridge, swallowing the orange light of sunset. "But then, so am
I." She looked down at Ranma, seeming uncertain for a moment,
and then her attitude softened. "I am Kiima. As one trespasser
to another, I would like to share your fire."
Ranma cleared her throat. "Uh, sure," she said.
Ranma: Kiima has an evil twin?
Kiima: Alas, there was this accident at Jusenkyo...
Kiima began to take an interest despite herself as Ranma
assembled dinner. Slices of dried meat, mushrooms, a stalk of
onion,
Spring onion, I presume?
You presume correctly. :)
On a side note, the first time I read this I thought Kiima
opened up to Ranma a little too quickly to be believable,
but on the second reading it seemed a bit more reasonable.
OK, good. Kiima's been opened up like a shucked oyster, and in that
position stretching out the hand of friendship is a sign of strength,
not weakness... but she's definitely not her usual self.
"Greetings, friend," Kiima said softly. "I need to borrow
your eyes. Find a man, a short, pigtailed man. Tell me where he
is."
"Hoo-hoo." The owl spread its wings and bated, then folded
them again. It stared at Ranko, watching intently from the other
side of the fire, and then turned back to Kiima, bobbing its
head.
"Not that one. Another one," Kiima said patiently. The owl
launched itself from Kiima's wrist and disappeared into the
gathering night.
Owl: It is him, you dummy! Oh, to be able to speak in the human
tongue. Hmm, on second thought that might rot my brains....
Yup. :) Honestly, though, that's not the most unlikely thing. Can you
really imagine onna-Ranma passing a pot of hot soup back and forth
without spilling it? :)
Suddenly Kiima realized she'd waited too long. Opening her
wings all at once would turn them into a puff of feathers over a
gory crater. She might save herself, but not both of them, and
even if she let go, he still had a grip on her-- and then, to her
utter astonishment, he let go of her wrist, and that decided her.
Kiima snatched for his other wrist and got it as she extended her
wings away from her back, still clamped together, and began to
force them apart. A few loose feathers ripped free, but most
held. The drag flipped them so she was on top, and she realized
that Ranma was arranging himself below her as though to shield
her from the impact-- what gallant nonsense! They slowed, but
not quickly enough. Kiima had only time for two sinew-straining
wingbeats before the world rose up like a mighty fist and smashed
them into oblivion.
O glorious writing! This whole scene drew me in and enveloped me!
<pleased smile> I was hoping you'd like it; it's more like your usual
style than my usual style.
"Up there," Kiima said, pointing at a tall spire of rock
standing out from a nearby bluff.
"Aiyaaaaaa," Ranma said under his breath, measuring the
climb with his eyes. "Couldn't you have put it someplace lower?"
Shampoo: Ranma no steal Shampoo's trademark!
Guide: Aiya, what you saying?
Plum: Aiya, no can afford license fee!
Pink/Link: Aiya! We trademark first, over!
Mousse: Don't look at ME.
:)
Seriously, yes, this is a sign that Ranma has been hanging around
Shampoo for a while. Heck, I figure he probably speaks fair Chinese by
now, given his father's bad example of what can happen if you go
wandering around China without it...
"Well... you gotta understand what it looked like from my
side. What you looked like. White hair, white wings, that suit
you wear... for a second I thought you were a, a, an angel."
Ranma twiddled his fingers in embarrassment.
Kiima's brow furrowed for a moment, and then she laughed.
"Ah, and you feared the wrath of heaven?"
Wait, how does she know Christian theology?
Kiima: I read a lot of books?
Ranma: All that and brains, too.
"You're still going to be a standout, though," Ranma
observed. "Nyanniichuan won't change your hair color or your
height, or your looks."
"No, but-- my what?"
"Never mind," Ranma said, but his faint blush as he turned
away spoke volumes.
Ranma: Yes, I'm already diddling four other women in this
continuity, but do I care? I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!
Akane: Ooo, just WAIT 'til I find out about this...!
"I'll bet. There's worse, too. There's guys who turned
animals into women 'for that purpose'. Yuck."
Kiima nodded. "We know of them. That was long ago,
though."
"They're still perverts," Ranma said darkly. "I don't go
that way."
Kiima: That's a shame. You're awfully cute as a girl.
I just KNEW someone would take it that way, but what the heck. :)
"Look, don't tell me it's none of my business! This is my
fault, and theirs, but it's sure not yours! You did everything
just right!"
"I let you escape! I let them trick me!" Anguish filled
her voice.
Ranma: Wahahaha! Like you had any chance of stopping me! Ooops,
that was awfully insensitive of me, wasn't it?
Wait for it... :)
Seriously, Ranma does seem a trifle too understanding in this
fic; not too much, but enough to make me take note. I guess
ten years of living with three (er, four) women have taught him
some things.
It would be really, really strange if it hadn't. The changes in Ranma
wrought by the women he associates with are a theme running through
these stories... it should be apparent in AMAW that he's changed more to
adapt to Kasumi than the reverse, for example, and being married to Kasumi
would civilize anyone-- even Tarou. Hmm. :)
"Heh. That's not something you get to change. Your guards
were going all-out, and it didn't help them any. You might have
killed me the first time, and you sure tried the third. Kiima,
I'm really, really good. You and your guards never had a
chance."
Ranma: Wait, I do say it here. That's more like it.
Kiima: You egotistical jerk!
Ranma: Whoa, mallet flashback.
:)
"Oh, yes," Kiima said eagerly. She flew up between drifting
clouds, heading north. Concealed as they were concealed, Phoenix
Mountain dwindled behind them.
Suggest removing the second 'concealed'.
Aw, maaaaaan, you don't like the rhythm? :)
Another bad point was bad leadership. Captain Kiima had
Suggest another synonym for the second use of 'bad'; perhaps 'lousy'?
Rhythm & parallel again (note three "yelled at them and hit them"
below), but I suppose alliteration is almost as appropriate. :)
been a good leader, and Pepa hadn't known it until he'd gotten a
bad leader. Koruma and Masara tried their best, but Lord Helubor
was a bad captain, and that was all there was to it. Captain
Kiima yelled at them and hit them, but that was because she
wanted them to be better guards, and thought they could be better
guards if she yelled at them and hit them. Lord Helubor yelled
at them and hit them because he thought they were scum.
Boredom was another bad point of being a guard.
Pepa started to explain this at length to his partner, but
when his mouth opened no words came out. His eyes bulged and he
dropped his spear. His buddy turned to look and did exactly the
same thing.
Oh yes, the wonderfully competent Phoenix Guards....
Khaavren: Nay, they're none of MINE.
Kiima: Oh, where did I go wrong in my training? Hmm, it must be
because I'm a woman!
Koruma: No, it's because you're a middle-aged woman.
Masara: Ohshit.
Kiima: Whack! Pow! Whap! "I AM NOT MIDDLE-AGED!"
The platform shifted suddenly. The music stopped as the
alate damsel playing for Saffron dropped her dulcimer and clung
Phil scans dictionary: 'alate' - 'having wings'....
Man, where do you find such words, Vince?
uh... I go to the Old Words' Home and chat with the residents? :)
Seriously, this one came from Heinlein's "Jerry Was A Man", and the mere
fact that I remember its source probably says something I shouldn't
admit to. :)
The rasp of Helubor's sword out of its scabbard was arrested
by Saffron's outflung hand, and the coruscating energy leaping
and dancing around its talons. "Hold, Helubor!" Saffron snapped,
'its talons'? Saffron is male, surely?
Yes, but his hand is neuter... and syntax should imply "talons of
Saffron's hand" rather than "talons of Saffron". Or so it parses to me.
"Yes. I pursued the fugitive Ranma, and determined that he
had not stolen the Heart. His account made it clear that the
Heart was stolen by another, at Helubor's bidding, during the
confusion of Ranma's escape after the Eggs of Imprinting failed
to subdue him. Did not the counsel to execute me for this come
from Helubor?"
Suggest: 'Did he not counsel my execution?'
Kiima's being precise about language again. She doesn't know that
Helubor spoke directly to Saffron, urging him to execute her; she
suspects that he persuaded someone else, probably Korianda, to do it,
and that's reflected in her choice of words.
The battle overhead ranged from one side of the great cavern
to the other, wheeling in wide arcs around Saffron's suspended
platform while the Lord of Phoenix Mountain watched impassively.
Kiima and Helubor darted and spun, white wings and red-black
flashing in the golden light, clashing and separating, swooping
and diving. Eagle Fist and Seabird Wings lashed to and fro,
occasionally causing spectators to leap for cover.
Eagle Fists and Seabird Wings...?
Yes, I think so.
Ranma felt menace approaching and realized that not everyone
was watching the duel. He turned slightly and caught sight of
Taragon drifting casually in his direction from the side away
from Koruma and Masara. The tawny-winged lord was the picture of
nonchalance, but the long dagger held along his thigh betrayed
murderous intent.
alongside?
OK.
Ranma held up his bound hands as Taragon rolled out of the
bushes and raised the dagger again. "Hey! Look at the coward!"
he yelled. "He's trying to kill a guy with his hands tied!"
That got Koruma and Masara's attention, but Taragon lunged again
before they could interfere. Ranma dropped to his back, slapping
his feet on either side of the dagger blade and twisting.
Taragon squawked as Ranma yanked him sideways and rolled him
under. A moment later Ranma was holding Taragon down with a knee
planted firmly between the man's wings; he clawed for the dagger,
but Ranma's toes held it just out of reach.
Suggest: 'Ranma dropped to his back, feet arching up to catch the
outstretched wrist and twisting.'
Catching the dagger blade is a lot trickier but also something
Ranma might do. I leave the decision to you.
Ranma prefers not to do things the easy way. :)
"If you were a woman, you'd be a slut," Kiima said
positively. "Damn double standards. Instead you're an adulterer
or a womanizer."
Damn or damned?
Verb form. "Damn those double standards." perhaps?
"I'll bet!" Ranma called back. "Hey, look!" She pointed
aside at an eagle overtaking them a hundred yards away. "Let's
race!"
He pointed...
Oops. I hate doing that, but it's an occupational hazard of Ranma
fanfic. :)
Carrying Ranma in her arms, Kiima glided along a ridge, her
wings shifting and tilting as they rode the air currents.
Finally they curved hard, cupping air and braking to drop them to
a gentle landing atop the ridge where a path emerged from a
bamboo grove. Kiima set Ranma on his feet, folding her wings
behind her. Ranma put his pack down and looked at Kiima,
fidgeting a little. "It's been great," he said. "All of it.
>From the first fight to, uh... well, thanks."
Funny symbol. More below.
uh... where, exactly? I don't see anything odd (aside from the >From,
which is a quirk of all mailers), and I looked at your message, the text
I sent to the FFML, the text I got back from the FFML, and the text in
the FTP archives... I'm stumped.
I expect to tell all of these stories eventually, and then the
original AMAW will be merely an epilogue.
Heh. Write enough of these stories and I might yet end up convinced
of AMAW's conclusions. ^_^
I dare hope. I can see in my mind the beginning point, and the ending
point, and the path taken between, but of course it's not fair to expect
others to see what I see before it's written. I expect to be disagreed
with even then, because it is, as many have said, unlikely.
A spectacular story, Vince. The scenes were well plotted and slid
seemlessly into the overall storyline. Action sequences were
wonderfully written and well paced, and the descriptive narrative
simply drew the reader in.
It's a BIG story, and I'm glad it slipped by smoothly, because it could
easily have gotten bogged down... it's supposed to be a rollercoaster,
one of those new tubular ones. :)
Phil: Hmm. What else can I say to inflate Vince's ego?
Vince: That will do nicely, thank you. :)
Seriously, I most impressed with this. Very, very nice indeed.
If you enjoyed reading it, then I'm happy, because that's the metric I
use to judge my stories... and coming from you, one who tends to WRITE
just this sort of thing, it's especially welcome.
Thanks, Phil!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.