Aaron E Nowack wrote:
warning, warning, first fanfic alert, read at your own risk
C&C welcome, but please don't bruise my fragile ego too much. :)
Happily, no need for that this time. :)
My only serious criticism of the story would be that it took too long to get
going. If it were up to me, I'd cut everything before Ryoga and Akari walked
into the cave, which is where your story really starts. I understand the need to
fill us in on the changes in Ryoga's life, but that can be done easily enough in
the course of the story. It's more important to show us that something
interesting is happening *now.*
Other than that, I had no problems with the story; the characterizations seem
pretty good, and the plot certainly makes sense. As for your writing, it conveys
the basic story in a minimal way, but I'd suggest looking for ways to spice it
up by being more descriptive. Think about what sort of sights, sounds, smells
Ryoga might experience in the cave and describe them in a way that conveys the
experience to us readers; think about and convey to us exactly how Ryoga would
feel at each moment of the story.
Note: I haven't read all the magna, so please inform me of any
manga
Disclaimer: None of these characters are owned by me, so don't sue me,
OK?
Suggest you credit Takahashi here -- after all, she *did* invent the characters.
Ryoga briefly stuck out his toungue at the Amazon warrior, who began to
laugh. "Well, Ryoga think he not lost boy any more, not since the last
time we went to Jusenkyo," Ryoga replied with an exagerrated accent. The
martial artist had been trying to jump into the Spring of Drowned Man,
but had jumped in the wrong direction... into the Spring of Drowned
Navigator.
RANMA: Yeah, Navigator of the Titanic.
RYOGA: Shut up, Ranma!
AKANE: Well, that *would* explain how the navigator ended up drowned at
Jusenkyo....
"That's good. It will remind you not to use the Hiryu Shoten Ha
lightly. It's one of the most dangerous techniques I know of. Most of
us here," Ranma gestured around,"can take it, but your ordinary martial
artist could die from one of those."
You can't use a narrative phrase in the middle of a dialog sentence unless the
verb refers to the line of dialog. This needs to be something like:
us here," Ranma said, gesturing around, "can take it, but your ordinary martial
or
us here," Ranma said as he gestured around, "can take it, but your ordinary
martial
(Note also the added space after the comma.)
"Hai, sensei," Ryoga bowed respectfully.
sensei." Ryoga
(He isn't bowing the line of dialog, he's just bowing; therefore the dialog is a
separate sentence, and should be punctuated accordingly.)
Ranma grinned widely his student, "Hey, I'm not your sensei anymore, ya
widely at his student. "Hey, (punctuation as above, and missing word)
anymore. Ya (Run-on sentence)
learned the technique."
Ryoga smiled back. A few years ago, this would have been inconceivable.
Not only would Ranma have jealously guarded the secret of his most
powerful move, but their conversation would likely have degenerated into
an exchange of insults and "RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" 's. As the group
Suggest: degenerated into insults and shouts of "RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
(Presumably only Ryoga is shouting his catchphrase, so they're not really
exchanging it. If you do keep the original phrasing, drop the apostrophe before
the s; apostrophes are for possessives and contractions only, not for plurals.)
began to head back to the campsite, he truned to his friend, "You know,
friend. "You (more of the same punctuation)
The next morning, Ryoga looked around at the mountains where the group
had encamped. "You know, I thnik the cave where I learned the Shi Shi
Hokoudan is near here. Does anyone want to see if we can find it?"
Ranma glanced at him, "Nah. Besides, I'm supposed to help Akane and
him. "Nah.
Ryoga flushed and turned to his new wife, "Yes, by all means Akari,
wife. "Yes,
means, Akari,
let's get some 'quality time'". It was Akari's turn to turn beet red.
The two set off, and shortly cries of "Moko Takabisha!!!"echoed through
Need a space before 'echoed'.
the mountains.
A few hours later, Ryoga turned to Akari, "I think this is it," he said
Akari. "I
as he helped Akari into the cave. He .grimaced as the residual depression
Suggest: as he helped her into (we're already talking about Akari)
Remove spurious period before grimaced.
RYOGA: I'm now object-oriented! Ryoga.grimaced = TRUE
from his previous visit washed over him. "Yes, this is definatly it."
definitely (spelling error)
Gary