Gone Fission
Hehehe. Nice title. ^_^
The characters of the Ranma 1/2 universe are the creation
and possession of the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi. They
belong to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees
(Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV, Viz Communications
Inc.) No copyright infringement is intended.
What's with all the irregular spacings?
-----------------------------
"Are you sure, KI-YO!-NE?" Mihoshi cried.
Lowering her head, Kiyone nodded tiredly.
"Well... Okay!" Mihoshi pushed the button to evacuate the airlock into open
space. She put her face to the view window and waved frantically. "BYEEEE,
ALLYN-CHANNNNN!! DON'T FORGET TO WRITE!!"
"Well, shall we?" Kiyone looked up, a new smile on her face.
"Let's!" The two women linked arms. "OOOOHHH, WE'RE OFF TA SEE THE WIZARD! THE
WUNNERFUL WIZARD OF CAUSE!!" They skipped out of sight up the corridor... in a
manner of speaking.
Ryou-ou-ki looked over at Ken-ou-ki. "Don't you just love irregular spacings?"
"Shaooow?"
"..."
Any similarity to "Cast a Second Line into the Sea"
by the brilliant and wildly popular fanfiction icon
D. F. Roeder
O_O O_O O_O Did someone forget to tell ME about this?! WAAAHHH!! I *never*
get invited to the award ceremonies! WAAAHH!!
:P
is purely coincidental and completely unintentional
as well as unauthorized.
Well, hum, hum, I feel marginally better, then. ^_-
"And the prior statement, class, is a fine example of hyperbole in action. Any
questions?"
A tall young man with a Van Dyke beard raises his hand shyly.
"Hai, Vince-kun."
"Hai, Roeder-sensei. Does this mean you are *not* a brilliant and wildly
popular fanfiction icon?"
"..."
^_- (Darn it! Vince always gets the good lines... ;p )
Gone Fission
"Where in the world am I now!?"
Dunno, but look out. Akane's liable to jump out any minute and kick your butt
all the way to a small island in the China Sea. This is a *YONGE* fic, you
know. :)
*"Latitude . . .degrees . . .One----Four----Zero----"*
The slightly furry sounding female voice responded to the
despairing request.
Furry?
"What! What does _that_ mean? Just show me where
I am!"
*"Graphic mode."* The voice agreed. *" Please
choose projection from the following list. Mercator, Albers
Equal area, Lambert Conformal Conic, Berhamann----"*
"Wait!" the lost boy cried desperately. "Ummm . . .
that Arbhart Equal thingy." Equal was good, wasn't it?
*"Please choose from the following list -----"*
"Just show me where I AM!!!"
*"Present location display, default mode."* A
holographic display appeared, a red "X" demarcating
location to the nearest meter as determined by twenty four
Global Positioning Satellites.
Hope blossomed in the lined, careworn face. Glaring
with half-mad eyes, he tried to burn the tiny map into his
brain before spinning around to search for landmarks.
Namely, the red X.
A single revolution was sufficient to exhaust a store
of patience that, at the best of times, was barely sufficient to
dampen a flea's left eyebrow.
"You damned lying machine----" The air surrounding
the young man began to distort and shiver, like the air over a
black-smith's forge.
* "The Magellan 2000 provides the most up-to-date
GPS services for the traveler----" *
"SHI----"
* "Magellan Travel Resources Inc. prides itself on the
quality----" *
"SHI----"
* "Worldwide, Magellan provides directions to
hotels, restaurants----"
"NAKUDAN!!!"
* "oh dear . . ." *
A blast of pink fire obliterated the small plastic box
with only the tiniest of electronic screams.
LOL!
"Geeez," The voluptuous red-head landed softly
beside the still smoking remains. "what's with the attitude?"
"I don't see a red 'X' ANYWHERE!!!"
Yup! ^_^
Ryouga
growled, his fiery aura fading sullenly. He suddenly seemed
aware of his visitor.
"Ranma?"
"Yo, bacon-boy, long-time-no-see." Ranma circled
the molten plastic and ceramic remains. "Where'd ya get th'
new attack?"
"Ha!" Ryouga smirked in a superior manner, striking
a pose. "After our last meeting I left on a training journey to
harden my spirit and perfect my techniques. Long and
arduous was my time in the wilderness . . ."
*************************
He was going to die in this empty wasteland of white.
No food, no water. Alone and friendless he was going to die,
his bones bleached and forgotten in this alien shore.
"What are you doing with my laundry!?"
/me falls out of his chair. Touche, Allyn. ^_^
Ryouga jerked at the angry voice, blinking in surprise
as a wrinkled hand whipped the sheet off his head.
"T . . .t . . .thank you, elder," Ryouga said, bowing. "I
have been training in the mountains, determined to perfect my
martial techniques in order to destroy my hated enemy, the
devil Saotome!"
"You're scorching my best fitted sheets, boy." A bony
hand rapped him across the knuckles with a cane.
"Oooops." Ryouga immediately tried to calm his
aura, with limited success.
"Training to defeat a devil, huh?" The wizened crone
tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I may have just the thing to
help you."
"Really!" Joy lit Ryouga's face like a twelve hundred
and fifty watt bulb.
But he just couldn't quite make 1300... ARGH! I'LL NEVER BEAT THE RUSSIANS AT
THE NEXT GAMES!!! Oh, these are not kilos we're talking about?
No, watts.
What?
Right.
...
(I'll close this one here... :P)
"Oh elder one," he fell on his face,
blubbering in joy. "I will do _anything_ for your secret--
climb a mountain of glass, walk bare-foot through fire, tie
angry weasels to my testicles----"
"Your name wouldn't be Kuno, would it?"
Ryouga stumbled after the rapidly moving figure.
"Damn fool ruined my melon patch," the elderly
woman muttered, "Hundred blows my arse! Couldn't have
been more than seventy five . . ."
Heheheehehheeee.
*****************************************************
" And then she revealed to me _The Secret_,"
Ryouga's face lit with the fire of a true believer.
"The . . .Secret?" Ranma tilted her head
questioningly.
"The Secret!" Ryouga held aloft a small vial in
triumph. An instant later "The Secret" was in Ranma's small,
feminine hands.
"P . . .R . . .O," she spelled the romanji laboriously.
"Twice daily, with meals." Ryouga lunged for the
bottle. Ranma twisted aside.
"Z . . .A . . .C."
Gaaaah.
*****************************************************
"It's . . .uhhhh . . .really nice of you to let me stay
with you." Ryouga muttered uncomfortably.
"No prob P-chan," Ranma flipped her pigtail over
her-shoulder in an unselfconsciously feminine gesture. "You
want to call Akari and let her know where you are now, or
wait until . . .?" he trailed off as he noticed Ryouga's
uncomfortable look.
"Ummm . . .is something wrong?"
"Akari and I aren't . . .I needed some time . . ."
Ryouga whipped out a parchment scroll and thrust it at
Ranma.
Heh, nice mirroring of Akari's actions to him. :)
The petite girl unrolled it and scanned the lines.
"Hey . . .you got your inka," She returned the scroll
conferring mastery of Pig-Sumo to Ryouga. "Congratul----"
"Do not congratulate me," Ryouga choked out. "until
you hear the story of my shame and failure. It all started
when . . .
*****************************************************
"Ummm . . .what kind of training is this?" Ryouga
asked uneasily from his position, strapped pantless to a
maltese-cross.
Does Ryouga wear underwear? Does anyone have information on this? Does anyone
*really* want to know? :P
"Ryouga-kun," Akari said solemnly, kneeling in the
straw. "Pigs are the noblest creations of the gods; bold,
intelligent, gifted with abilities far beyond mere mortals.
Training in the methods of Sumo-pig-ken
Hmmm, maybe "Sumo-buta-ken"? Oh, right. Too much Japanese. *Reviewer slaps
himself, acting as proxy for assorted other fanfic persons of note. :)
will elevate you to
the level of the boar-god," Akari's eyes lit with an unholy
light. "K-chan!"
The massive porcine lumbered forward at the
command, stopping before a block of steel salvaged from the
battleship Yamamoto.
Oh, yeah, that really upped the verisimilitude. :P
"Passion-Thunder Strike!"
O_O I didn't know Katsunishiki could talk! :P
The huge porker lunged forward on his hind legs,
punching a fist sized hole in the plate.
Ryouga's knees slammed together reflexively.
HAHAHAAA!!
"And that's only the beginning, my love," Akari
moaned, eyes moist with passion.
Yes, but passion for what? That's what I'd rather not know... ;)
"The least of pigs can
pleasure his consort for half an hour." She pulled a complex
tangle of stainless steel, rubber and high speed electric
vacuum pumps from the shadows.
O_O I'm saying ouch in advance.
"After _your_ training you
will be a god . . . a pig without peer!"
"eeeep!"
*****************************************************
"But . . .you got your inka," Ranma indicated the
scroll. "You must have completed your . . .uhhh . . .training."
Ranma, ever practical. ^_^
"That . . .that is my deepest shame." Ryouga sobbed.
"After months of the most arduous training . . ."
*****************************************************
"Nine thousand nine hundred ninety eight," Veins
bulged in Ryoug's head as he strained to lift the ninety
kilogram weight. "nine thousand nine hundred ninety
nine . . ."
"You can do it my love," Akari cheered from the
sidelines.
We need to visualize her in one of Mariko's uniforms, except for a suitably
porcine motif.
"I believe in you!" K-chan grunted his approval.
"Ten thousand!" Ryouga panted, relaxing and
allowing the weight to slide free.
"Excellent," Grandfather seconded as he walked to
Ryouga's side. "Now, demonstrate your control." Pulling out
an ink-stick and water he produced a rich vermillion paste.
Placing the ink in front of Ryouga, he walked a hundred
paces away and turned, holding out a square of pure-white
silk.
"Hakuin's 'Zen Practice in Activity'." Grandfather
called.
In an instant Ryouga reproduced the ancient Zen
master's calligraphy, adding a small portrait of Mt. Fuji-sama
as seen from the Shoin-ji temple in the lower right corner.
"Excellent my boy," Grandfather looked at the freshly
inked square of silk in his hand, tears of joy in his eyes.
" . . . simply excellent."
O_O O_O O_O What an interesting... talent. O_O O_O O_O
"Yeah, well," Ryouga laughed self consciously.
"I've had a good teacher." He wiped ink from his "brush"
and started to don his pants.
:j
"There is one final test." Grandfather held up a hand,
forestalling Ryouga. "Akari, prepare yourself."
Ryouga watched, bemused, as Katsunishiki tugged a
cannon from the whaling Bark "Veronica", out of New
Bedford, 1926.
Well, never EVER let it be said that Allyn Yonge has no concept of
over-the-top. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Akari positioned herself on all fours as her
grandfather took aim at her fundament
This reminds me of Vince's comment on "scion" recently...
with the Swedish steel
harpoon.
Good. Not one of those cheap Japanese knock-offs. :P
With a flash of flame and thunder of black powder
the fluked harpoon leapt forward into the heart of Akari's
femininity. With a ringing clang the bent and blunted steel
harpoon rebounded onto the ground.
"Behold the secret of two hundred years of Sumo-pig-
ken . . . Buns-of-Steel!!!"
Somebody's calling their lawyer about now... :)
"Errrrr . . . .wasn't that actually her----"
"Countless hours of practice," Grandfather ignored
Ryouga, " riding her bicycle over potholes, without a
seat . . ."
*_* *_* *_* I have udderly, er, utterly no comment. :)
Ryouga turned an interesting shade of puce.
"Body surfing naked down a wrought-iron fence . . ."
Grandfather looked a little misty eyed. "Her grandmother
once took on an entire division of Cossacks in Manchuria."
He looked sternly at Ryouga. "Only a man _truly_ dedicated
to the art may inherit the inka of Sumo-Pig-ken."
"Ryouga-kun . . ."
"Ryouga turned toward the sweetly seductive voice to
see Akari lounging naked in the grass.
"I'm waiting for you my great big piggy-wiggy . . ."
"eeeep."
^_^ You've managed to take Akari's fascination with pigs to heights
heretofore unimagined. I salute you! ^_^
*****************************************************
"Man, that's hard . . .uhhhh harsh." Ranma forced her
eyes above Ryouga's waist.
Giggle.
"That's harsh." She repeated.
"So . . .uhhhh . . .since you got the inka , what's the
problem?"
"I cheated," Ryouga confessed, anguished by his
guilt. "I panicked and used the . . ." his voice dropped to a
whisper, ". . . bakusai tenketsu . . ."
RANMA: YA STUPID IDJIT! YA SHOULDA USED THE 'BAKUSAI TENYENTSU'!!!
RYOUGA: Huh?!
RANMA: Oopsie! Wrong fic! Teehee...
If there isn't a Ten Yen ref in this somewhere, my day isn't complete. :P
"Ouch!" Ranma winced, involuntarily pressing her
thighs together. "So . . .uhhhh . . .why did you leave?"
Teehee!
"She liked it." Ryouga muttered.
"Oh?" Ranma said, overly casual. "I don't see what
the prob . . ."
"And she told all her aunts . . .and cousins . . ."
"Ahhh . . .well . . ."
"And _THEY_ liked it . . ."
"I see where that could be . . ."
"It started to creep me out when Katsunishiki started
looking at me funny . . ."
Ranma turned an interesting shade of green that,
amazingly enough, looked really good with her red hair.
What happened to puce? Or Chartreuse? Or Exorcist vomitous peagreen?
Gosh, and I thought you were serious about going over the top. ^_~
"But when _Grandfather_ started giving me the
eye ----"
"Oh my!"
Ewww, reminds me of an old miner joke...
*****************************************************
"Well, we're here." Ranma indicated the dojou gate
with a wave of her hand.
"Ummmm," Ryouga hesitated in front of the gate,
"will Akane mind you bringing home a guest uninvited?" He
noticed Ranma's unnatural stillness.
"What's wrong?"
"About Akane," Ranma said softly. "she . . .she's not
here."
"Not . . .?" Ryouga began uncomprehendingly.
"She . . .she left us. Very suddenly." Ranma choked
back a little sob.
NABIKI: [from around the corner of the dojo] Oooo, you little tart! Akane
hasn't been gone even a whole day, and you're out window shopping!
KASUMI: [from around another corner] Oooo, you little tart! You were
supposed to pick ME next!
UKYOU: [breaks her spatula in two, throws her hands up in the air, and walks
away] Sayonara, Girly Boy.
SHAMPOO:
SHAMPOO:
SHAMPOO?:
RANMA: She's in China, moron!
SOUN: Darn Boy! She was supposed to pick ME! Then we could have another
Tendou-Saotome joining, heh, of the schools.
GENMA: [from behind... in a theatrical sense] Tendou, you wound me.
SOUN: Saotome?!
GENMA: All along! You just wanted Ranma's goodies! DIEEEE!!!
RYOUGA: What's going on here! Why is Genma OOC?
RANMA: Okay, look. Let's just go upstairs and do the nasty, hey?
RYOUGA: [blinking] Sure. I'm up for it.
RANMA: ... And after I went to all this TROUBLE to get you past your natural
revulsion for me?!
RYOUGA: Hey, just ask next time.
RANMA: ...
"Oh . . .oh Ranma . . ."
"It's OK," Ranma wiped her face with the back of her
hand. "I'm getting used to being alone." She put on a happy
face. "C'mon in and meet the kids."
"Kids?"
RANMA: Yeah, kids. They're about yea-tall and bite your ankles?
RYOUGA: Oh, those... Where do they come from, anyway.
RANMA + CAST: ...
RANMA: Stick around, and you might find out.
RYOUGA: Uh...
*****************************************************
Ryouga sat against one wall of the doujou, staring
slack jawed at five identical red-headed girls. Ten large,
baby-blue eyes stared solemnly back.
"Girls, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine,
Hibiki Ryouga. Ryouga, This is A-chan . . ." The girl on the
far left bowed slightly. "B-chan . . ." The next girl in line
bobbed her head. Irrelevantly, Ryouga noticed that all of
Ranma's daughters were taller than his female form. "C-
chan, D-chan and----"
"E-chan." Ryouga guessed.
"P-chan." The last of the quintuplets groused.
Hmmm. Not sure what to make of *that*.
Ryouga's mouth opened and closed but no sound
came out.
"Short for _Pocky_" Ranma hastily announced.
"Cravings." She added, as if that explained everything.
Well, you thoroughly whizzed by me with that one, but that's okay. ^_^
She
thought for a moment. "Why don't you girls give Ryouga a
demonstration."
There was an eerie moment of silent communion, then
C-chan stepped forward. "Hibiki Ryouga," she intoned
formally, "for the Honor of the Combined Tendou-Saotome
School of Indiscriminate Grappling and Free Style
Cooking----"
Ryouga looked inquiringly at Ranma who could only
shrug helplessly.
"I challenge you to Combat, on horse or afoot, with
sword or pist----" C-chan gasped as D-chan elbowed her in
the ribs.
"Stick to the script." Her sister hissed.
"It's a good line," her sister retorted.
"You've been reading 'Devil Wives of Li Fong'
again." A-chan accused.
/me checks the expiration date on his library card...
"Combatwinnertobedecidedbyknockdown
orsurrender." C-chan finished in a sullen rush. She stuck her
tongue out at her sister who, in turn, pulled down the skin
below her eye, making a very rude noise at the same time.
"Be careful C-chan," Ranma cautioned his daughter.
"Ryouga-chan is built like a rock . . .Don't let him get his
hands on you."
"Rocks don't have hands, papa." D-chan objected.
"Promontories have fingers." Pocky interjected.
"That's true," C-chan seconded. "And you can have a
tongue of lava."
"What about feet?" A-chan asked. "Like a foot-wall-
block?"
"You mean the body of rock that lies below an
inclined fault plane?" B-ko interjected, "Or the T'ai Chi
defensive----"
At this point, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. :)
"He's TOUGH!" Ranma practically screamed. "He's
HARD like a HUGE THROBBING-----" Ranma cut off
suddenly as she noticed everyone staring at her. "Ummmm,
he's a really, really good fighter. So be careful."
HAHAHAAA!!!
"Alright!" Ryouga cracked his knuckles menacingly.
"Let's see whatcha got."
"Hiii-yaaa!" C-chan ripped open her blouse, exposing
twin mounds of creamy white, tipped with rosy, hard
nubbined
hard-nubbined
Oh, man. I can't believe I just corrected that... :)
areolas, like double scoops of vanilla with cherries
on top.
Hmmm, food-based description. I don't think I've ever seen that used in
situations rife with sexual overtones. :P
Ryouga's head snapped back in a spray of blood, and
C-chan kicked him between the legs with an iron-hard toe
that was passing mach one on impact.
ARA?! What was THAT for?!
"That went well," A-chan clicked a stop watch.
"Three hundredths of a second faster than with Grandfather
Happosai."
"Told you it was a universal technique." C-chan
crinkled her nose at D-chan.
"Yeah, but it only works on boys." D-chan objected.
"These," C-chan cupped her breasts lovingly, "work
on _anybody_."
"Could somebody get me some ice?" Ranma hoisted
the unconscious lost boy in her arms. "A lot of ice?"
*****************************************************
"Remember this?" Ranma pointed to a picture.
Ryouga, wincing slightly, shifted to get a better look
at the photo album.
"Oh, yeah. That floating island." He looked at the
group picture. "What else yah got in that box?"
"Hmmm, let's see . . ." Ranma noticed Ryouga's
grimace and winced in sympathy. "Here, let me see if I can
help." Small slender hands began to massage the affected
area.
"HEY!" Ryogua jerked away or tried to. Ranma's
female form was surprisingly strong.
Or as clingy as Saran wrap... :)
"What's wrong, Ryouga?" Ranma peeped up at
Ryouga through her lashes. "I'm going to make it all better.
And we're both guys."
Somehow Ryouga was having a hard time . . .
remembering that Ranma was a guy. A hard time
remembering. He mopped his brow with a bandana.
"Are you too hot?" Ranma asked in concern.
"Yes! No! Uhhhh . . .I don't-----whooooops! Give me
back my shirt!" Ryouga made a desperate grab for the
disappearing garment. which raised him from the floor and
allowed Ranma---- "Not the paaaants!" Ryouga shrieked.
LOL!! All those speed techniques weren't for nothing. ^_^
*****************************************************
"There now," Ranma cooed, "aren't you more
comfortable without all those scratchy old things?"
"Heh . . ." Ryogua laughed weakly, clutching the
sheet beneath his chin like a virgin on her wedding night. As
quickly as it came he thrust the image away. "Uhhhh . . .
you're not acting like yourself."
"What _is_ myself?" Ranma asked softly. "Am I a
man who turns into a woman, a woman who becomes a man
. . . or just a person?" She turned tear-filled eyes on the lost
boy. "Just a lonely, lonely person . . ." A single tear slid down
her perfect cheek and splashed hotly on Ryouga's hand.
"Don't cry Ranma," Automatically his arms came
around the small girl. "Don't cry . . ."
What a minx! *applause*
*****************************************************
"MOOORRRR!"
Ryouga jerked awake, fighting free of the tangle of
sheets and Titian hair, to see the massive form of Pantyhose
Taro at the window.
"T-chan?" Ranma's sleepy voice came from under
the tangle of bed clothes. "What're you doin' here?"
T-chan?! Ryouga's eyes went wide with shock.
#It's Tuesday# read a sign gripped in a lashing
tentacle. #School girl and Demon-Principle?# Another
tentacle held out a fuku while a third gripped a can of
cheese-whiz and hand-cuffs.
Sorry, been done... with Kasumi. ^_^
Before Ryouga could fully assimilate this a voice
called from below.
"I'mmm Hommmmeee!"
AKANE! Ryouga went white on recognizing the
voice. A ghost . . .come to avenge-----
#Ijustrememberedi'vegotadentalappointmentgottago#
With a crack of powerful wings, Taro vanished into the
clouds.
"Oooops, busted." Ranma peeped cutely through a
tangle of hair."
"You said she was _dead_." Ryouga hissed, listening
to the steady tromp of feet up the stairs.
"I _ said_ she'd left us suddenly," Ranma replied
innocently. "And she did. This morning. There was a half
price sale----"
LOL!!
The door banged open, sending the little wooden duck
swinging.
*****************************************************
"Do you smell something burning?" A-chan sniffed
the air suspiciously.
"Yeah," Pocky turned in circles, trying to find the
source. "Smells like barbecue."
Heh... Pocky... Heh.
"Pork" C-chan elaborated, looking at a massive blue
glow lighting the sky in the direction of their home.
"Sooo, whatcha want to do?" D-chan pulled off her
wig, scratching vigorously at the short blue-black hair
underneath.
Ah HA! The girls were in on it all along. I knew I missed something when I was
writing that fic.
Wait a minute! The Sailor Senshi were, errr, moonlighting as Ranma's
daughters... Wait a minute! What if they really ARE Ranma's daughters. ACK!
^_-
"How about a movie!" B-chan started to suggest.
"There's a 48 hour 'Diesel Dyke' marathon playing at the
Liberace Memorial Multiplex." She pulled a play-bill from
her pocket. "Free popcorn and spankings to the first fifty ----."
"No time for that, Sailor Senshi," A small white cat
panted, darting around a corner. "There's evil coming."
"HENSHIN YO!" Five voices chorused as one.
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Well, Allyn, this was so incredibly over the top that I am at something of a
loss for a closing comment. ^_^
I enjoyed it thoroughly, and I'm flattered beyond belief... Fanfic icon,
indeed... :)
I await your next post, the ideas whirring in my head. :P
Ja ne!
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html