D.F. Roeder wrote:
Some general comments - as always, just my opinions here:
Overall, a very nicely done fic, Roeder-san. Straight from the
start the reader
can see where it's headed (to a Ranma-Ryoga matchup) and it flows
quite nicely to
that intended end. Congrats on pulling that off. :)
Heh. Believe me when I say that when the idea for this fic came to me, I
back-pedalled just a tad before firming my courage (or foolishness) and
leaping off the precipice. ^_-
But at least you leapt. :)
But (oh, yes, I'm sure you could see that 'but' coming a mile away)
I'd just like
to point out that having the curse influencing Ranma into feminity
feels very much
a cop-out to me. I don't mean its badly done - in fact, I think
you've thought
through the whole issue rather well - I just feel it would have had
greater impact
if it had been Ranma who had changed over the years and needed a
'companion' in
his own right.
Hmmm, oddly enough, I thought that what you are saying isn't there was implied
by the fact that Ranma was doing okay when Akane was alive, but after she
died, his female half started exerting more control over his emotions, etc.
Ranma, of course, blames the curse, but he's indirectly communicated through
his descriptions that it's having a woman's body at will (or not at will)
that's pushing him. Ranma hardly ever vocalizes it that way; it's always "This
damn curse!" or what-have-you.
True, it could be that Ranma is attributing the changes to the
curse rather than
be willing to accept the truth, I don't see that in the story, so
I'll assume this
isn't so. Even if he does do that, you can show readers in the
story that this
isn't the case.
I'll admit I didn't have Ranma admitting by purely his own reasoning that it's
the fact that he can turn into a woman that's causing him difficulties, not
the curse... But then, do you see the semantic problems there? Where does the
curse end and the female body begin? I think you're asking Ranma to be more
subtle than he typically is in his thinking. I honestly can't think of an
instance in "Cast" where the 'magic' of the curse is driving his thoughts -
it's the female body.
Good point. I had a long think after reading your response and I do see your
point. I suppose I've been unduely influenced by this one passage:
"Gah. I'm... *adjusting* to whoever it is I like at the moment, whether it's a
girl or a guy. The curse is keepin' me in limbo. It's forcin' me to hurry up
and find another mate because it thinks it's runnin' out of time. It's
affectin' how I think, act... and even how I desire." She flashed a look at
Ryouga, then turned away. "It's not helpin' that I miss your mother and I'm...
lonely."
Reading a little into the paragraph (and since I try to inject subtlety into my
stories, and so read the same in other people's), it does seem as though Ranma is
suggesting the curse is affecting him on a mental level, influencing him against
his will, so to speak.
If you can see what I mean, it might be a good idea to tone down the paragraph a
little in this regard.
As far as the cop-out argument goes... ^_^ The funny thing here is that I
never conceived of the magic of the curse influencing Ranma in this fic; it's
the fact that he has a woman's body, a body which isn't getting any sex at its
sexual peak and is feeling the time going by. Because of Kasumi, Ranma
explicitly states that at the family meeting.
I guess I don't understand what's fueling that opinion, Phil. Gomen.
Nods. I do see it here. See my comment on the above extract.
I suppose one of the comments that I should have made in my first commentary is
the lack of what Ryoga is thinking or feeling about the situation. In essence, the
reader doesn't really have much to go on apart from what Ranma says. I think
Ryoga's viewpoint in the critical areas could show the reader exactly what you
intend to signify, rather than leaving them to draw their own conclusions (which I
seem to have incorrectly done ^_^).
Then again, ignore this bit if it is your intention to have readers draw their own
conclusions. ^_^;
Oops! Japanese, again. Shimatta... :P
Nan de mo nai, Roeder-san.
You might want to
consider (as Gary
has already mentioned) making the family a little less lovey-dovey
and a bit more
conflict inclined. This is Ranma, after all - I can't see things
happening quite
so perfectly for him.
Well, Ranko is punchy, but I'll see what I can do.
Perhaps having one of the others (the youngest perhaps - now who is that? ^_^)
show some insecurity about whether Ryoga will be taking away their mom/dad with
his presence. Even injecting a more serious tone into the sparring session between
Ryoga and Atsuko (ie. Atsuko ending up fighting for real) might work, leading into
a serious discussion about Ryoga's presence and Ranma's reaction to that presence.
Attacks on the newly calm and improved Ryoga model would certainly be in character
for Ranma and Akane's children, and Ryoga's reactions to this would be interesting
to watch.
That's about it from me, except that I think 'Ba-a-ka' sounds
perfectly fine (with
apologies to MacDougall-san for countering his objection) to me.
Heh. Can you guess from whom I stole that practice? ^_^
Not a clue. ^_^
Phil-san.
(Still using too much Japanese ^_^)
- Dave-baka, in good company. ^_^
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html