Hi, Morgan!
^_^
Well, sorry for the delay, but I've had lots of exams... You know how it
is.
Indeed I do. It nearly killed me a few months ago.
Don't we all know? ^_^
I'm attaching the file, as some of my prereaders told me this would
finish
with those irritating formatting glitches once and for all. I only hope
this
works!
It did for me, so I'll assume you're good to go with the rest of us!
Great! I dreaded to be forced to post it again--I know how people hate to
receive something twice.
I had
to paste my first two chapters of Dark Crusade, and the formatting stunk
(as someone very helpfully pointed out...),
Heh. That I did, my good friend, but I hardly even noticed while I was
reading. I like Dark Crusade (great series, BTW) THAT much.
so I recommend attaching myself.
Plus, it's easier. Just one button, instead of the copy AND the paste...
So it doesn't only work, it's also perfect for us, lazy people...
C&C desperately needed. I prefer public, but I take anything.
C&C often given. I prefer private, but I make exceptions. ^_^
And I thank you for that, Morgan. Your comments are always very
entertaining--not to mention useful.
Send me a
mail, if only to say 'hi', or to ask a question. Come on, people,
PLEASE!
I already SAID 'hi'! But as for the question : When is chapter five coming
out? ^_^
Heh. Well, does 'as soon as possible' work for you?
Well, no more rant. Enjoy!
I always do, my good man. I always do. So, enough with these pleasantries.
Let us be off! And remember that any and all comments I make come entirely
>from my own twisted little opinions, and do not have to reflect your
reality unless you want them to.
Such a lovely way of saying 'all comments are IMHO'... ^_^
In other words, feel free to stop listening to me right now, or any other
time you decide I have no idea what I'm talking about. ^_^
Please. With all the great, helpful comments you've given me, do you really
think I would stop listening to you? Even for a second? Be realistic! ^_^
Chapter 4: Countdown
---
Ranma was only a few meters away from Rick's Guardian now, but he
still couldn't see any movement in its cockpit.
You know things go wrong when people point out errors in the first sentence.
^_^
He "was" only a few meters away "now"? I'd change this just a little : it's
a trifle more confusing then necessary. Try :
I tried to connect this sentence with the previous chapter, but I guess I
didn't do it properly.
"Ranma was only a few meters away from the Guardian, and still couldn't see
any movement in its cockpit."
It sounds much better. Will use.
The word "now" really shouldn't be used in past tense, because it refers to
the present. "Now", by definition, is not "then".
Yes, I know. But, sometimes, it looks awkward to replace a 'now' by a
'then'. I'll keep this in mind in the future, though.
He glanced at the Zentraedi soldier's dead body that lay motionless in the
street.
Hmmm... first of all, this seems a bit awkward. Why not just say that "He
glanced at the Zentraedi lying motionless in the middle of the street" ?
Um, because I like being obvious? ^_^
After all, shorter sentences are usually better, and there are no Zentraedi
who aren't soldiers.
Well, I don't think Exedore was a soldier. He might have belonged to the
Zentraedi army, but I doubt he ever piloted a mecha (maybe when he was
young?).
You call it a corpse in the next sentence, so they can
find out it's dead there.
Okay, consider it fixed.
The alien corpse still clung to the earth craft, looking like a
shipwrecked
sailor grabbing his life preserver. For a few moments, Ranma stared
intently at the horrible sight, forcing himself to see what his lack of
control might have caused.
I like the imagery you used here. Very stirring, the idea of the sailor and
the life preserver.
Thanks. That was the image that popped in my mind when I was writing.
The skull-insignia Battloid, that had killed the gigantic alien
minutes
You don't need the commas. It IS the Battloid that killed the gigantic
alien,
and it is moving again. There is no break in the flow, and no need to mark
that break with a comma. Or two.
Oops. When will I learn to use commas properly? Sometimes I overuse them,
sometimes I just forgot them.
Don't worry. The day will come when no one will point out comma errors. I
said. ^_^
ago, started moving again; the pig-tailed martial artist watched, amazed,
as it shouldered its massive weapon. There was so much casualness and
grace
in that single movement that Ranma felt like rubbing his eyes. How could a
machine move so fluently?
Fluently, according to my Winston Canadian Dictionary, means "proceeding
smoothly; flowing". However, most of us take it by its second meaning :
"ready or easy in the use of words, especially in speaking".
So, even though you used the right word, you might want to change it to
something else. Maybe "fluidly", which means much the same thing (only
without the part about speaking).
Wow, you've been researching. ^_^
I'd never dare to contradict the Winston Canadian Dictionary, so I'll just
change it. ^_^
He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't been seeing it with his own
eyes.
"...hadn't been seeing it..." Huh. Most of us say if he hadn't "seen" it
with
his own eyes. This works too, but it sounds a bit off. Could just be me.
Who knows?
I trust you, my friend. If you say it sound off, then I'll change it.
Besides, I've just noticed you have to use past perfect in a conditional 3
sentence, not past perfect continuous. That's probably the reason it sounds
awkward.
The earth craft
Cool! Veritechs are made of earth! I'd sure hate to fly one in the rain,
though... ^_^
Heheh. The wonders of modern technology... They can make a mecha from just
about anything! ^_^
Seriously, you need to capitalise the "E" in "Earth craft", or else you're
saying that it's actually made from dirt.
Yeah, sorry 'bout that. Consider it fixed.
minutes, seemingly waiting for something. Ranma decided that making his
presence known to the pilot was the best course of action. After all, he
might be able to help him look for Minmei. However, before Ranma could do
anything to draw the pilot's attention, the war machine quickly switched
to
Guardian configuration, as if urged by some unknown signal. Climbing
swiftly like a rocket, it took to the air, headed for the SDF-1.
Uhm, if it took to the air like a rocket, you don't have to tell us it was
climbing swiftly. If it climbed swiftly like a rocket, we can guess that it
took to the air. I'd suggest dropping the first part of this sentence, and
saying "Like a rocket, it took to the air and headed for the SDF-1".
Okay, I see what you say. I'll use your suggestion (as always ^_^).
A deceptive peace settled upon the street after the sleek aircraft
left.
Heh-heh. A deceptive peace. I love the way you put that, my friend. Very
nice choice of words.
Thanks. Considering the events that later happened in Macross, I think it's
appropriate.
The battle had apparently moved to the outskirts of the town, as the
Veritechs slowly but surely pushed the invading troops back. The sounds of
explosions and fighting were still there, but they seemed muffled,
deadened
somehow. It was only this relative calmness what allowed Ranma to hear the
sudden rumble that came from the SDF-1's direction. He whirled around, not
knowing what to expect any more.
I dunno. As I recall, the SDF-1 was lifting off using antigravity pods,
until the lovely Lisa Hayes reported that they were tearing through the
hull instead
of lifting the ship like they supposed to. Would that count as a rumble?
Ah, but that already happened. There was a moment in Chapter 3 when Ranma
turned around after hearing a rumble and saw "the SDF-1 was partially hidden
by a cloud of dust, and if his eyes didn't cheat him, the ship was tilted to
one side."
That was right after the gravity pods had torn the SDF-1's hull.
Actually, I never understood why that happened. I don't think Lang altered
the ship's internal structure THAT much...
The SDF-1, the ship that had finally brought peace to the Earth, was
slowly raising into the air after a decade of waiting. Its rocket boosters
flared intently, giving off a torrent of white-blue fire that, foot by
foot, propelled the huge spacecraft upwards.
Ah. Never mind. Gloval already ordered the rockets fired. My fault for not
reading ahead, I guess.
Actually, I think it'd be _my_ fault for not being clear enough, but I did
give the readers a clue in the previous chapter.
�They're leaving! Now I'll _never_ be able to get inside!� He
sighed, feeling defeated.
Ranma feeling defeated? Ranma SAOTOME? Wow, he really HAS changed.
Well, he's led a rough life. Besides, these are his thoughts, and he might
be more open to his feelings in them. There's no point in lying yourself,
right?
I might rephrase it, however. You're right, a defeated Ranma isn't a common
sight.
In that moment, other thought struck him.
Perhaps "another" thought struck him instead. It's better grammar.
Oops. Missed that one. Will change.
If the SDF-1 went away, the Veritechs would probably follow it. And with
the pods still lurking in Macross, it would be very dangerous for Rick to
stay here. Ranma might be the best martial artist in the world, but there
was no way he could face a dozen of those alien machines. �Well,� thought
Ranma, �at least not if I'm taking care of the kid at the same time.�
THERE'S that classic Saotome mindset. "I COULD beat it, but I can't because
I'm busy looking after somebody!"
Heh. If you can't beat it, find something else to do.
He hurried to the downed Guardian and, with a single powerful leap,
landed gracefully on the fighter's nose. Looking down, he finally saw
Rick.
He was slumped against the instrument panel, head resting in his arms and
unmoving.
"Hey, Rick! We gotta get outta here!" Rick didn't seem to hear him.
Okay, this is one I used to do all the time, myself. Still do, if I'm not
careful. When you name someone immediately after talking, readers think
that
the person you named is the one who spoke. Just call Rick "The boy", or
"The pilot", instead, and you ought to be okay.
Yes, I know what you mean. I'll try not to make this same mistake in the
future.
<MINI-SNIP>
Roaming his eyes around the cockpit,
I hope he put them back in his head when he was done. ^_^
Heheh. The worst thing is that I believe I used this same phrase later on...
You might want to say "As his gaze roamed around the cockpit". His eyes
have
to move to roam, and if they're roaming around the cockpit, they fell out
of his head.
...and that wouldn't be good for the story, yeah. ^_^
I'll change it, and sure as Hell won't make this mistake again.
Ranma realized to his surprise that there was someone else in the fighter.
A young brunette was slumped in the rear seat, her head tilted to one
side,
resting against the canopy. Long locks of raven hair covered her pale
face,
making it hard for Ranma to see her features clearly--but, for some
Hi, me again. Now, I know that technically nobody has black hair - just
really dark brown (at least, according to my biology prof), so TECHNICALLY,
Minmei can be called a brunette, but... well...
Okay, here is where I show my ignorance: I always though 'brunette' was the
same as 'black-haired woman'. I guess it means 'brown-haired woman'...
At least I'm honest. ^_^
Rei Hino has raven hair. Hotaru Tomoe has raven hair. Ryo Sanada has raven
hair. Rick Hunter and Ranma Saotome have raven hair. Makoto Kino is a
brunette. Lisa Hayes is a brunette. Nabiki and Kasumi Tendo are both
brunettes, but Akane has raven hair. Kodachi is raven, Ukyo is brunette.
For writing purposes, at least, raven = black and brunette = brown.
No need for so many examples, my friend. I'm not THAT slow to catch on. ^_^
Whew! Sorry about that. Sometimes I go off on tangents. Must be all that
algebra and geometry I've been taking. ^_~
I always said it: too much studying ruins your brain. ^_^
reason, he found her awfully familiar. Maybe it had something to do with
the fact that she seemed to be about the same age than Minmei. Besides,
she
was wearing very similar clothes. Actually, she had _just_ the same hair
and height...
Yeah, this is Ranma, all right. She could be wearing a "Hi! My name is
Minmei!"
nametag, and he'd still stand there for hours, wondering out loud who she
could possibly be.
Poor Ranma. Everyone write about him, but thay all criticize him. Not that I
don't...
<SNIP-SNIP!>
Thanking whoever it was that looked after them, the best martial
artists of the world, Ranma sighed in relief.
Rick and Minmei must have been training in secret, because I never knew
they
were the best martial artists in the world. Remember, Ranma was thinking
about Rick and Minmei, then thanked whoever it was that looked after
"them". It's that whole "last person you named" thing again.
Aha. Well, I'll change it, and, as I said, will be more careful in the
future.
<MINI-SNIP>
"W-w-wha..." Rick cleared his throat, and tried again, "What're you
doing here?"
The pig-tailed man couldn't help but grin at the sight of Rick's
bewildered face. "I came to see how many buildings you've destroyed since
I
left for the shelters, but I lost count when I reached a hundred." Rick
blinked, and Ranma started laughing. Soon, another person's laughter
echoed
his, and both men turned around to see Minmei giggling, completely awaken
now.
"A hundred? I'm surprised you can count past ten without using your toes!"
LOL. ^_^
I can't believe Rick Hunter would miss such a comeback. I guess he must
have hit his head harder than usual.
Rick no, Latin_D, yes. ^_^
Seriously, I hadn't noticed I was making Rick look like a wuss. I'll change
this immediately (and use your line, if it's okay with you)!
This IS the guy who invented the phrase
"bridge bunnies", you know.
Actually, I didn't know.
"I just walked, okay? In fact," he glanced at Minmei, a hint of
reproach in his voice, "I came looking for a girl that thought she knew
better than his uncle and aunt. You wouldn't happen to know her, by any
chance?"
"her" uncle and aunt. Unless Minmei's hiding something from us...
You mean that little trip to Jusenkyo she took a year ago? Shh, that's a
surprise for Chapter 5! ^_^
Minmei had the decency to blush at these words. "Sorry," she said,
smiling meekly.
Wow. I didn't know Minmei had any decency at all. (rimshot)
MINMEI: You... You MEANIE! What'd you have against me?!
I know, I'm sorry, I'm trying to be nice. She's really not that bad.
'Trying' being the key word here. ^_^
"It's not me who you've gotta apologize with," Ranma said,
or apologise "to", for that matter...
You know, one of my prereaders pointed out this mistake. I'm going to kill
my editor (me)!
shrugging. "Save it for your aunt; she was almost in tears, ya know? Next
time, think before acting."
�I can't believe I said those words,� thought Ranma, marvelled at
his own maturity. If only Akane could hear him...
I'm sure she's rolling over in her grave. ^_^
Heh. Remember what you said here while you're reading later chapters, and
you'll see how ironic this is.
"Um, I don't have a clue."
"Tell me something I don't know," muttered Ranma.
Woah. Battle of the Egos, part three, and Hunter seems to be on the ropes!
Will he EVER make a comeback?
See the Revision and find out! ^_^
Really, I'll make some changes.
<SNIP>
"Hey, didja already forgot about the alien?" asked Ranma shaking his
head in disbelief. "Jeez, you're clueless..."
That is perfect Ranma. Blunt, direct, and completely missing the point. ^_^
Heh. It's not that hard to keep Ranma IC. You just have to write whatever
you'd never say yourself. ^_^
<SNIP>
"What? In case you didn't notice, there's a war going on here, my
friend. I can't leave you alone; you wouldn't last a second without a
great
pilot like myself keeping you safe," boasted Roy, the Batlloid pointing at
The "Battloid", not the "Batlloid". Watch those typos! That's two in the
whole story! Tsk, tsk! ^_^
Argh! Thanks for the catch, Morgan. And don't worry, I'm sure there're lots
of typos in here that neither of us have discovered, waiting for someone to
notice them.
<SNIP>
Ranma snorted, "Pilot? Don't make me laugh. _Try_ to pilot, you must
mean."
"Oh, yeah," drawled Rick. "I'll have you know that I won the World
Freestyle Flying Competition eight years in a row."
"And how many people were competing? Two?" asked Ranma in the most
irritating mock-curious tone he could muster. "Or maybe it was just you?
No, no, I get it; it was a model airplane making competition, right?"
Okay, I'm sorry. Why is Rick simply sitting there and taking that kind of
abuse from Ranma? He's not even trying to fight back! Not even an "Oh...
oh, yeah?"
I only bring this up because my absolute favorite part of last chapter was
the way Rick and Ranma kept bickering with each other. I loved it, it was
awesome, and it seems to have degenerated into Ranma-teasing-the-idiot.
That works with Ryoga Hibiki, but not Rick Hunter.
Okay, I'll change this part of the dialogue. I should've noticed this
sooner... Oh, well.
The Battloid extruded one of its metal tentacles and, much in the
same way in that Ranma had seen before when Rick craft had been repaired,
used it to open a small panel in the side of the Guardian. Its three
passengers suddenly felt themselves shaken around as Roy's machine gently
took the cockpit in its metallic hands, separating it from the rest of the
aircraft. Using a fitment especially built with that purpose, Roy placed
it on the side of his Battloid's right arm.
What's a fitment? Is it anything like a compartment, or a fitting?
Seriously, I don't think this word exists. I tried to look it up, and it
isn't there.
Well, the word exists, that I know. I think I misused it, though. I'll
change it for 'fitting'.
"Yeah, really nice," said Rick. "Now, please, hurry up. It's getting
really uncomfortable in here!"
"Oh, don't be such a baby--and stop moving already!" yelled Ranma.
"Argh! Your elbow is digging in my ribs, idiot!"
"Stay quiet! Hey, keep your hands to yourself, you sick pervert!"
"Will you SHUT U--"
That's more like it! I was starting to worry about old Rick for a page or
two, back there. Never mind what I said. ^_^
Oh, but I'll change a few things when I revise this baby.
Roy shut down his comm, his ears ringing. How could two people be so
loud, he would never understand. He had better get to the SDF-1 as soon as
possible, before they killed each other.
Knowing Roy, he was probably tempted to wait until AFTER they had killed
each other, and save everybody a lot of trouble.
Heheh. Gotta include this line.
The Battloid mechamorphosed to Guardian mode and rose smoothly to the
air on its foot thrusters. The Robotech craft hovered there for a few
seconds, as Roy glanced one last time at the wartorn streets of Macross,
war-torn (I think...)
Um, I looked it up, and it didn't have the hyphen.
<SNIP!>
�Will they ever get tired?� wondered Roy, finally opening his eyes.
He decided to stop the bickering--if that was even possible. He opened up
a
communication screen to the other ship and said, "Hold on for a second,
guys. We're arriving." Seeing them closing their mouths for the first time
in long minutes, he radioed, "This is Skull lider to SDF-1, over."
Skull lider? I think you mean Skull Leader. Or Skull One, although that's
usually saved for referring to his plane.
Oops. My English slipped there. I meant 'Leader', all right.
A new screen popped up in both ships, and they could see the the face
a woman in it. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, and had long brown
hair coiled at her shoulders. Her small, elegant features made her very
attractive in the minds of many men, but a frown twisted her face in that
moment.
And damn near every other moment, but that's another story.
Heheh.
See? I'm giving Lisa equal treatment as Minmei! One slam each!
Yeah, if you
Her eyes roamed around the crowded cockpit,
Ouch, here it is.
Boy, there they go again. Hope nobody steps on them by accident. These
people just can't keep their eyes in their heads, can they? ^_^
Heh. Not gonna happen again--I mean, in the next chapter.
<SNIP>
"But she does look like a sourpuss, I'll give you that," he
concluded, not really knowing what he was saying and unaware of the danger
he was in.
Is he ever? I mean, really, is he EVER? ^_^
Nope. And that's why he's so entertaining. There's nothing funnier than
seeing a person stick his foot in his mouth. ^_^
Lisa couldn't take it any more, and snapped, "Argh, that does it!
What is your name, you uncouth moron?!" she yelled at a confused Ranma,
shaking with anger.
If there was something Ranma had learned throughout the years was to
recognize the instant a woman was trully and dangerously angry, and this
was one of those. Of course, he had never learned what to do to appease
that anger, but no one is perfect.
Ranma : HEY! I DISAGREE!
Rick : ME, TOO!
Both : I AM PERFECT, DARN IT! WHAT? WHY ARE ALL OF YOU LAUGHING? I AM!
Heheheh. ^_^
RANMA: Okay, I'm not perfect. But I'm SO close...
"Listen to me, y--"
"RANMA!"
I'm suprised he didn't duck on instinct. I mean, how often does someone
yelling his name ever mean anything good? Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Genma,
Akane,
Soun... they all tend to scream that right before pounding him (or trying
to).
Different yell:
RYOGA: PREPARE TO DIE, RANMA!
MOUSSE: DIE, SAOTOME!
KUNO: I'LL SMITE THEE!
AKANE: BAKA!
GENMA: RAN--Growf!
SOUN: WAAAAA!
---
Henry Gloval was a troubled man.
But not as troubled as he was going to be, not by a long shot.
No, not by a OH-SO-LONG shot.
I mean, Zentraedi and galactic war aside, Gloval was about to discover
exactly why Soun Tendo lost his mind... assuming he ever had one.
I don't think so... Heh, can you imagine Gloval crying like Soun? *shudder*
Remember, Captain Gloval considers Lisa to be like a daughter to him... ^_~
If I were a Lemon writer, I might see more in that relationship... But I'm
not, and I don't. ^_^
<SNIP, AGAIN>
The other screen was cramped with three startled faces. Two belonged
to teenagers: a boy and a girl. A mop of dark hair covered the boy's
forehead, and he was staring at him with his big brown eyes. In his
opinion, the kid was in desperate need of a comb-
Rick would, of course, calmly accept said comb, sharpen it, and use it to
murder whoever had even THOUGHT about messing with his 'do.
Heheheh. ^_^
-he would never understand this obsession young men had with messing up
their hairs. It seemed all his pilots wore long hairstyles, regardless of
their rank. Hell, he was certain they would mutiny if he ever forced them
to visit the hairdresser's.
Yes. Yes indeed they would. Another good spamfic begging not to be written!
Heh. Well, I wouldn't mind reading it.
<SNIPPY-SNIP>
"Done, sir." Roy looked at Lisa and said, grinning all the time,
"You
heard Uncle He--I mean, Captain Gloval, Lisa; give us a bay number, over."
Aw, come on. It's ROY. -> "You heard Uncle Henry! Give us a bay number...
you old sourpuss!"
I thought he would be a triffle more careful about his Captain, but you're
probably right.
More giggles could be heard, as Lisa responded, "Roger. Bring your
plane into bay zero-niner."
Roy nodded. "Thanks--you old sourpuss," he said, and signed off, the
screen going black.
Gloval saw how Lisa clenched her fists, as her eyes narrowed. He
made
a mental note to degrade Roy, and proceeded to think of ways to overcome
the current crisis.
I don't know about that, man. I know Gloval is protective of Lisa, but I
don't think he would bother making a fuss about one little comment. He
seems
to let his troops solve their own problems, most of the time. Besides, how
many times did he blithely ignore Lisa and Rick all but screaming at each
other over open comm frequencies in the middle of a battle?
Oh, yes, I know. I didn't mean it seriously. Just a harmless joke. I guess
I'll have to make it more obvious, like:
He made a mental note to get Roy spaced, and...
^_^
If I were Roy, I'd be hoping CLAUDIA didn't overhear him. She'd make him
pay
for it through the nose. ^_^
Heh. Well, I think she might just forget about it--after all, they're going
to PLUTO.
<ONCE AGAIN!>
"I hate you," said quietly Lisa, looking at Ranma from the corner of
her eye.
LOL! Although I think you mean "Lisa said quietly", over here.
Yep, you're the second person to notice that. Will change.
"I just wanted to know... What's a fold?"
"...one..."
Lisa allowed a small smirk to reach her lips. "You'll find out soon
enough, won't you?"
"...ZERO!"
And so, barring a few Ranma 1/2 cameos, it ends. For now. And praise be to
all that it will continue, because I really do love this story. Other than
a
few small typos and grammar gaffes, which we all make from time to time,
this was nearly perfect.
'Nearly' being the most important word. ^_^
My only real problem is that Rick seemed to turn into a bit
of a wimp for the first half of the chapter. He definitely got back into
form near the end, however, and as I've said before, I love watching those
two egos bump heads.
I'll try to correct that, and thanks for pointing the OOC lapse out.
I have to pity Lisa, though : she'll need to get some
prescription medicine for the headache those two will put her through,
ESPECIALLY if Ranma winds up a pilot.
Well, that's a given. I'm eager to write him piloting a Battloid.
Things are shaping up to get pretty
interesting, that's for sure : I'm looking forward to seeing how Ranma's
presence will affect the First Robotech War.
Very deeply, I hope. Or, at least, it'll affect the lifes of the main
characters very deeply. The outcome is entirely another matter, but who
knows?
So, in closing, if anybody isn't reading this story, they should be sure to
fix that error as soon as possible. It's got some very good approaches to
retelling the Robotech story without boring those who know the details or
confusing those who don't. The description is amazing, the imagery is
fantastic, the characters are practically dead-on, and the action is well
balanced with the humour of Ranma and Rick's banter.
Ooookay. Thanks, my friend, but if you keep that up I'm gonna blush. ^_^
All in all, another great chapter, my friend. Now where's the next one? ^_~
You know, I could ask JUST the same thing... In fact, I think I will: how is
Dark Crusade going? ^_^
Thank you very much once again for all your kind words and thoughful and
entertaning comments, Morgan. You're the best.
Bye and good luck,
Latin_D