Well, three years in the making, chapter 9 finally gets released. All Ranma 1/2 characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi while all Sailor Moon characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi. And boy, are my fingers tired!

A Humble Home for a Strong Heart

Chapter 9

Kurenai Tsubasa was in heaven.

This is not to say that he was currently soaring in the air per se, nor did
it have anything to do with the fact that he was standing three stories off
the ground.  It certainly wasn't his costume: a lightweight frame of
cardboard which currently resembled a fire hydrant (he even got it to shoot
off a gallon of water if needed).

He had taken to the rooftops to search for his beloved more easily (not to
mention escape all the dogs which became too interested in him). It never
occurred to him that his beloved, his sweetheart, his-sweet-bread-and-cup-
of-tea-in-the-morning, would be on the same rooftop as he, staring down
into the street with an intensity that would put any ninja to shame.

And lo, there she was! Clad in her male's uniform that merely served to
accent the softness of her face.  Her delicate fingers rested lightly upon
the ledge she peered over, like a bird tensed for flight.  He crept towards
her as silently as a fire hydrant could, admiring the sweep of brown hair
held back by its ponytail holder.  The way her back abruptly stiffened,
then that mass of hair sweeping as she turned, the widening of her
beautiful brown eyes, her gentle hands flowing from the ledge to the handle
of her spatula, and ahhh, the choir of angelic voices that spoke her
words...

"TSUBASA NO BAKAAA!!!"

*WHAM!!!*

=================================================

Lita looked up just in time to see a fire hydrant soar into parts unknown,
shrieking, "I love yoooooouuu...."

"...so let me do the talkin', okay? Okay?  Earth to Lita...helloooo?"

Lita tore her eyes from the sky.  "Huh?"

"I said since Cologne can be pretty crafty, you should let me do all the
talkin'.  Geez, haven't you paid attention to a word I said?"

Lita considered pointing out the fire hydrant to Ranma, then thought it
would've been moot to do so.  "Yeah, yeah. Keep quiet and let you do the
talking.  Just make it so I can go home as soon as I can.  I don't want to
stick around to see what else is flying overhead."

Ranma opened his mouth, then thought better of it and mumbled, "Sure.
Whatever."

After the lunch fiasco, Ranma decided that the best thing to do was to skip
the rest of classes and visit Cologne right away. It was probably just as
well--if that Ukyo girl asked her one more time if she was really Akane,
Lita would used her fists to drive the point home. It wasn't that she was
looking for any excuse to beat the girl up (then after thinking about it,
Lita conceded that yes, she was. Hey, it wasn't every day you kicked a
person into the stratosphere), but she was growing tired of the girl's
suspicious looks.  In fact, she was growing tired of all the looks she had
been getting. She no longer cared about Akane's reputation. She just wanted
to go home.

"Hey, we're here." Ranma said. Lita looked up from her despondent thoughts
and found herself in front of a tiny restaurant with a sign 'Nekohaten'
draped across its facade.  Ranma gave her a pointed look as he went through
the door, "Now, don't forget what I told you, *Akane*."

Lita waved her hand distractedly.  Cute as he was, Ranma was beginning to
get on her nerves with his 'I-know-better-than-you' attitude.  Whatever
this Akane girl, or any of his other fiancees for that matter, saw in him
other than looks, she was definitely missing it.  She couldn't help
glancing behind her as she entered the restaurant.  Throughout the trip
over, she had a goofy feeling that they were being watched.  Must've been
Ranma's paranoia rubbing off...

The restaurant was a bit on the small side, but the smells within were
delicious.  Not much for clientele this time of day; an elderly couple sat
by the windows slurping ramen, while over at the counter, a couple of
construction workers were lazily ogling the shapely, lavender-haired
(purple? mauve?) waitress who was taking their orders down.  She gave a
newcomers an off-hand glance, but her expression changed once she caught
sight of...

"Ranma! You come to see Shampoo!" She squealed in a high voice, coming
towards him in a bound that took less than a second from where she was
standing.  "Shampoo so happy!"  With an audible thud, she threw her arms
around Ranma, causing the both of them to crash to the floor.  Lita smirked
at the pair struggling on the floor.

"You're right, Ranma. That Cologne can be a pretty crafty person.  Having
waitresses throw themselves at you is a great ploy to catch you off your
guard, huh?"

Ranma growled back, "What are talking about?  Get off me, Shampoo!"

Before Lita could respond, an inarticulate cry rang out.  Ranma abruptly
threw his body to the side, just as a young man in flowing white robes
stomped down on the spot Ranma's head had been.  Spinning about, he fairly
screamed in Lita's face, "RANMA! How dare you touch my fair Shampoo!  I'll
kill you for that!"

Smoothly, Ranma rolled to his feet, still struggling to pry himself from
Shampoo. "Hey, she grabbed me first, man!  And I'm over here, stupid!"

"Uh?"  The young man blinked, and leaned closer to peer at Lita's face.
Then, he patted her shoulder, mumbling, "Sorry about that, Akane," before
whirling to face the elderly couple.  "Now, you die!"

"Stupid Mousse not wearing glasses again!" Shampoo snapped as she finally
released Ranma to slap the young man upside his head.  A pair of thick-
lensed glasses, unnoticed on the top of his head, slid over his eyes...

His gorgeous eyes...

His deep, soulful, twilight-sky eyes. The kind she could look into and feel
herself falling, falling into the inkiness and depth that made up HIS EYES,
that swallowed her whole, soothed her, caressed her, made her ache for HIS
EYES  to be upon her again, just to experience that swooping, gliding
feeling she hadn't felt since...

As the glasses settled over the young man's eyes, Lita released a deep
sigh.  "...Sem.......pai..."

Then she blinked, confused.  <Huh...?>

"You cad!  You - you casanova! I'll teach you to hit on my fair Shampoo!"
A pair of chains suddenly snaked out of the guy's voluptuous sleeves, which
Ranma grabbed easily.

"Look, Mousse, I ain't here to see Shampoo.  I need to see the old ghoul!"
A hard tug caused the bespectacled boy to stumble forward, and a sharp kick
caused him to fly back into the wall, where he slid to the floor, a perfect
picture of abject misery.

Lita finally woke up from her befuddlement.  "Hey! What's the big idea
picking on him?" She went over to the groaning Mousse.  "He was just trying
to express his love towards her!"

"You listen to that one hundred times.  You see how you feel!"  Shampoo
sniffed, eyeing Lita up and down.  "Who you anyway? What you do here with
husband?"

Fuming, Lita was about to respond when she felt a gentle hand on her
shoulder.  She turned to see Mousse rising fluidly to his feet.  His hand
reached to straighten his glasses, which were skewed on his face.  "Do not
worry yourself about me, Akane Tendo." He stated gravely.  "My love for
Shampoo acts as a mighty buffer against all types of physical pain."  He
paused, then dug in his robes for a moment and pressed something into
Lita's hand.  "Here.  You may want to do something about that cold of
yours."

Lita stared at the pair of cough lozenges in her hand.  "Uhh..."  She
looked up to see that both Ranma and Shampoo had fallen back a bit,
surprised looks on their faces and their hands held before them in a
strange pose, with the index, thumb and pinky fingers held up.  Shampoo was
the first to recover, laughing hesitantly.  "Mousse, you must need stronger
prescription or something.  That not Akane standing there.  Mousse so
stupid."

That did it.  Lita drew herself to her fullest height, looked Shampoo
squarely in the eye, and said, "For your information, I *am* Akane Tendo."
She was pleased to note the Chinese girl flinch slightly.

"You?  Akane Tendo?  *You?*  Aiyah, not possible! You can't be her!  Is
joke, maybe.  Real Akane play joke on Shampoo, yes?"  She spun to Ranma,
her hands clasped tightly together.  "Ranma agree?  Is Akane playing silly
joke?  Because it not funny!"

Ranma looked at her trembling eyes and gulped, "Uh, actually..."

Cologne said, "Yes, actually?"

Ranma jumped a foot straight up, and Lita nearly joined him.  She hadn't
seen the woman enter in, yet there she was, calmly sitting on a wooden
staff in the center of the room, as if she had been there all that time.
She turned to Lita, and Lita had to stifle a gasp.  The woman had the most
bulbous eyes she had ever seen, almost larger than that little guy,
Happosai.  However, whereas the lech displayed a lasciviousness, this woman
radiated calmness and a sharpness that made Lita want to disappear under a
rock.  With her long, white hair flowing over her shoulders, she truly
looked like a ghostlike toad sitting on a log.

"Co-Cologne!" Ranma finally gasped out.

The old woman nodded.  "Continue, son-in-law.  What's this about this girl
being Akane?"

"Er...that is...uh..." As Ranma slowly began to stammer out the makeshift
story, Lita struggled to maintain a stoic face.  Cologne never looked away
from her; if anything, her gaze became even more sharpened, as if Lita was
slowly transforming into her Sailor self, and the woman was cataloguing
every movement, every word...

<She isn't buying this,> Lita realized. <She's *knows* Ranma's story isn't
true.  She's just biding her time, waiting until he's done before she does
something to humiliate him, or me, or us both.>  And it was true - if
Ranma's story sounded ludicrous before, the way he babbled it out to this
canny old lady was straight out of some wacko sci-fi comic, with kidnapping
aliens and time machines that weren't there the last time he told it.
Granted, it was having some effect-the girl called Shampoo was staring more
incredulously at her--but on the old woman, her expression never changed.

<We're toast.>

Ranma's voice finally wound down. "So, if you could give us the Naban
mirror, well, we can use it to go back and get Akane before this...bad
thing happens...to her, ya know?"

Cologne spared him a glance, then returned to her perusal of Lita, "And
everything my son-in-law speaks of is true, 'Akane Tendo'?" She asked
gravely.

Lita bobbed her head up and down, not trusting herself to speak.  Cologne's
eyes narrowed, and, using her staff as a pogo stick, leapt slowly around
her.

"And this...accident...truly happened?"

Lita trembled, feeling even more like some piece of meat hanging in a
butcher's shop.  She wondered how long it would take before she'd
completely break down and confess everything.

Cologne leaned back on her staff and nodded. "Very well. The Naban Mirror
is yours."

Three bodies hit the floor in shock while the fourth merely adjusted his
glasses in puzzlement. Ranma was the first to recover. "Really?! You mean
it?!"

"Why would you doubt me, son-in-law? All you had to do was ask for it and
it was yours."

"Ha-Ha!" Ranma went to help Lita off the floor. "See? What I tell you? I
knew things would work out fine! Nothin' to worry about!"

"If..."

Ranma froze.

Cologne's face was as smooth as stone, and twice as stoic. "I will give you
the Naban mirror only *if* you can prove to me that this is truly Akane
Tendo."

"But-But she is!" Ranma said, "Didn't you hear a word I said? Of course
that's Akane!"

"Perhaps in all likelihood she is.  But even when Akane fell prey to my
great grand-daughter's Formula 110 technique, even as all memory of you
were erased, she still retained much of her identity.  A strange body
shouldn't make much difference, as you keep your identity as well when you
are in girl form, Ranma.  Yet, even as I speak, this 'Akane Tendo' standing
before me is at the moment showing quite an interest in my waiter, to the
likes of which she has never done before.  Am I correct in this, 'Akane
Tendo'?"

Lita broke off her ogling of Mousse to snap, "No, I wasn't! I was looking
out the window!"

"Of which Mousse just happens to be standing in front of," the elder
pointed out.  As the boy in question looked up from wiping a table, Cologne
edged closer to her with a smile reserved for children whose candy were
about to be taken away.  "Do you find Mousse there...attractive?"

"No! That is, uh!" Lita glanced at Ranma for help, but he was too busy
doing an impression of a fish out of water. Some help he was! And the old
lady was approaching much too close for her liking, wearing a smile that
scrambled her thinking, made her nervous. Lita pressed her hands to her
head, and decided to lean on good old fashion anger. "Grr...look! Just give
us the stupid mirror already before I start smashing stuff, alright?! You
won't like me when I get angry!"

Cologne chortled. "My, my. Such impertinence. And all for this." She
whipped from out of her robes what looked like a hand mirror. Its surface
bore large, jagged cracks, looking as if it was going to fall apart at any
moment. She held it towards Lita, asking calmly, "Is this what you want?"

"Um, I guess," Lita said as her hand hesitantly reached out. She was then
smacked into a table as Ranma rushed passed her, his hands blurring as they
stretched towards Cologne.

"The mirror! Gimme that!"

Cologne lightly skipped back, her hands moving at a speed equal to Ranma,
though she still wore the same calm expression. "Why Ranma, I would think
you would have learned by now."

"Shut up, you old bag, and gimme that mirror!"

Lita's mouth dropped as the two began bouncing about the room, atop tables
and chairs, next to the gaping construction workers and still-dining old
couple, across the countertop, the mirror performing a bobbing dance atop
the flurry of arms. <Wow...they're so fast...and nimble...>

But not fast enough, apparently. Ranma suddenly gave a sharp cry as he flew
out the restaurant doors. He crashed into the wall across the street and
slid down into the row of garbage cans lining the wall. Cologne shook her
head as she bent to retrieve her staff, which has fallen to one side. "Ah,
to be young and foolish again. Son-in-law certainly can make an old woman
chuckle."

She then turned to Lita, who was gaping at the restaurant doors, and again
held out the mirror. "Now you, 'Akane Tendo'. Do you wish to try your hand
as well?"

<After what she just did to him? No way!> Slowly aware that every eye in
the room on her(with the exception of those behind a thick pair of glasses
intensely staring at a crack on the far wall), Lita swallowed, attempting
to play it cool. "Um, I don't suppose you'll let bygones be bygones and
just give me the mirror out of the kindness of your heart?"

"And why would I do that?"

"Because...because..." <Because this is stupid and dumb and I'm tired of
pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't belong here. I'm sick of this
place. Sailor Moon needs me and I want to go HOME!> For a moment, she was
strongly tempted to drop the facade and tell the old woman everything.
Certainly, she looked wise enough to help her...but then she remembered
Akane. What if the old woman really was crafty enough to send Lita home,
but find some way to make Akane stay there as well? She seemed the type to
take advantage of one of Ranma fiancees being missing to push her own
advantage. If Akane was here, she would know what to do in such situations.
Hell, if she could survive here, then Lita's world would be a piece of
cake. She could probably bust through any bonds, or not get fooled by
stupid traps, and she certainly wouldn't go and get herself kil--

"No way!"

Cologne's eyebrow rose as Lita realized she had blurted out her thought.
Desperately, she scrabbled for ideas. What would Akane do? What would
Akane...?"I mean--why should I tell you? You won't give it to me
anyway...so...so..." <Think, girl! Think! If Akane was here, she
would...she would...> Lita snapped her fingers and pointed at Cologne. "I
CHALLENGE YOU FOR IT!"

This produced a slow blink from the old woman. "A challenge?"

The great-granddaughter's response was more shocked. "You mean to fight
great-grandmother? You?"

"Fight? Did I say that? No...I mean..." <Come on, there's no way you can
fight her. You saw what she did with Ranma. The only thing you're only good
at is...is...>

"A cooking contest!" Lita shouted triumphantly. "Ranma and I are going to
be in a cooking contest at four o'clock today at his school, and I
challenge you to join it. If we win, we get the mirror. If we lose, uh,
I'll work in your restaurant for an entire month! How's that?"

Cologne stared at her and said slowly, "A cooking contest?"

"You *sure* you Akane Tendo?" Shampoo added incredulously.

"Say that one more time and I'll smack you so hard you'll be speaking
perfect Japanese!" Lita snapped back, having her fill of that question for
the day.

The Chinese girl whipped out a pair of what looked like overgrown metal
lollipops and twirled them menacingly. "Shampoo like to see you try!"

"Hold!" Cologne pogoed between them. "Before things get out of hand, yes,
we will accept the challenge. I am assuming Shampoo is invited, yes?"

"Oh, definitely," Lita remarked, her eyes never leaving Shampoo's. "The
more the merrier."

"Then it's settled, Akane Tendo, if that's who you really are. We will do
this cooking contest. I truly look forward to having extra help in the shop
this month." Cologne smiled as she began hopping towards the kitchen.

Lita scowled. "I wouldn't count on it. I intend to win, old woman."

Cologne paused without turning, but Lita could hear her half-mocking smile.
"Oh, I'm sure you will, 'Akane Tendo'. I'm sure you will." The old woman's
cackle hung in the air after she disappeared in the back.

Lita's self-praise over her quick-thinking began to spiral into self-doubt.
What did Cologne mean by that? Did she say something wrong? Growing
conscious of Shampoo's equally confused look, she decided to get out before
the Chinese girl remembered her  snapping threat from earlier. Quickly she
gushed, "Well uh okay I'll see you at the school then okay? Goodbye
Mousse!" When Shampoo turned, there was only the swaying of the doorbells
signaling Lita's exit.

Mousse blithely waved, then leaned on his broom. "Looks like Akane-san is
taking vitamins. She's certainly grown several inches, but her vocal chords
are a wreck!"

Shampoo's response was merely a slight narrowing of her eyes.

===========================================================================

Lita emerged from the restaurant at the same time Ranma was emerging from
the pile of garbage cans he had crashed into. "Stupid old ghoul. I'll teach
her not to play around with Ranma Saotome...as soon as I get these damn
birds to quit attacking my head..."

"Ranma!" Lita rushed over and yanked him to his feet, eliciting a painful
cry from him. "I did it!"

Ranma swayed on his feet. At least the birds had vanished. "You got it? You
got the mirror?"

"Uh, no, but I found a way to get it. I challenged her for it. That's what
you guys do here, right?"

"You did what?! Aw, that's just perfect." Growling, he grabbed Lita's arm
and began marching away from the restaurant. "You should've just let me
handle things. Now you got yourself all mixed in this as well. There's no
way you can fight her--she'll wipe the floor with you."

Lita snatched her arm away, annoyed that she was being berated instead of
congratulated. "You weren't exactly the victor yourself a while ago. What
was the big idea fighting her like that anyway? She was baiting you the
entire time. Didn't you see that?"

"Humph. With Cologne, you gotta take every chance you get. Besides, I
would've gotten it eventually."

"When? Next Tuesday? Fighting her is not going to give us that mirror,
Ranma. We have to make her give it to us fair and square," Her voice
swelled with pride, "which is why I challenged her to join the cooking
contest. If we win, she gives us the mirror. And I may not own a
restaurant, but I can definitely hold my own, so--"

Suddenly, Lita bumped into Ranma's back. He stood in the middle of the
sidewalk absolutely still except for his shoulders, which slightly
quivered. "You...challenged Cologne...to a cooking contest?
A...COOKING...contest?!"

Puzzled, Lita replied, "Yeah. I thought it was the best chance we had,
since we were doing it anyway? Why?"

Ranma abruptly whirled around and roared in Lita's face, "YOU IDIOT! DO YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE?! WE'LL NEVER GET THAT MIRROR NOW!!!"

Lita stumbled back, confused over his reaction. "What are you talking
about. You're the one who said we gotta take every chance we get."

"But a CONTEST cooking? A COOKING CONTEST???"

"What's wrong with that? It's something Akane would do, right?"

"I thought I told you before: AKANE CAN'T COOK!!!"

Lita blinked. "Yeah. And?"

"Aren't you listening to me? Akane can't cook! She's a bad, bad, *bad*
cook! And *you* are supposed to be her!"

Lita stewed on this for a moment, then gave a weak laugh. "No prob! So I'll
burn a couple of dishes, drop a few plates, do some tweaking of recipe
amounts."

"No, no, no. You don't understand," Ranma shook his head and took hold of
Lita's shoulders, giving them a firm shake with each of his words. "Akane.
Can't. Cook. She's a horrible cook. She puts things in her food that have
no right being there. She mistakes sugar for salt, vinegar for wine, and
talc for flour. Toxic waste taste better than her stuff. The last meal she
made had to be quarantined for biological reasons! She can't cook and
there's no way in the world you can pass yourself off as her like that
because no one, *no one*, can cook as bad as Akane."

Lita felt a coldness gather at the pit of her stomach. "You're kidding,
right? I mean, no one can be that bad..." Even as she said this, a memory
of sitting in Serena's house, listening to the cries of pain being uttered
from the kitchen where said girl was supposed to be preparing ramen,
flitted through her mind, and Lita realized it could very well be true.

"Well, okay, maybe I did exaggerate about the quarantine part. But trust me,
she's that bad. I should know--she forced enough of it into me. So don't
even try to cook like Akane. It won't work."

Lita scrambled for a faint hope. "But...Cologne said...if we beat her in
the contest..."

"Ain't gonna be no beating." Ranma growled. "Cologne got us good and stuck.
And you just played yourself right into Cologne's hands, because once she
taste your food, she'll know for a fact that you're not Akane. She may have
said she'll give the mirror to you if we won, but she said to me that
she'll give us the mirror if we prove you're Akane, so that still stands.
So how can we prove you're Akane if you can't cook like her?" He sighed and
slumped against a building, running his hands through his hair. "We are so
screwed."

"OHOHOHOHOHOOOOO!!!"

Ranma's face grew more pained. "I take that back. *Now* we are screwed!"

Confused, Lita turned about, looking at what seemed like black confetti
streaming about in the air. Ranma sprang up and tried to push her behind
him.

"Get back. If she sees you--"

Out of the blue, a girl, wearing a grey and white school uniform, landed in
front of them as if she had performed an acrobatic leap. Her midnight-black
hair was pulled into a side ponytail, and her face was delicately shaped,
complete with arching eyebrows and small, pouty lips. Lita thought she
would be considered pretty, except there was something not quite right
about her eyes. A glitter in them that was much too bright.

"Ranma-sama," she breathed in a delicate light voice with a touch of
condescendation. "I've been hearing the strangest rumors about you and
decide to see for myself. You see, I thought Brother Dearest had finally
lost his mind when he came home ranting about his 'Akane Tendo' suddenly
blossoming overnight. I had to knock him out with a club to cease his
foolish ravings...but it appears my brother was telling the truth. Can this
truly be Akane...transformed?" Her glittering eyes swept down Lita's body,
making her want to hide even more behind Ranma.

The pig-tailed boy in question merely sighed. "It's a long story, Kodachi.
And to tell the truth, we really don't have time to tell you all of it, so
we'll just be on our way."

Kodachi pouted, "Then my brother was right. I suppose I should apologize to
him." She furrowed her brow prettily, then gave a light shrug. "Then again,
he *is* my brother. He deserved it anyway."

With that last word, every nerve in Lita suddenly shrieked, "JUMP!" and she
did, diving behind Ranma as she heard a whistling hiss and a sharp crack
pass through where she had been standing. She heard Ranma yelled out
angrily, "Cut it out, Kodachi! Someone could get hurt!"

Kodachi's eyes widened innocently even as the gymnastic ribbon that had
appeared in her hands twitched maliciously. "But Ranma-sama, I must protect
you from this shape-shifter who is sure to use her new-found witch's wiles
to charm you away from me."

"Believe me, I don't need witch charms to do that." Beneath his breath, he
hissed to Lita, "What are you standing there for. Get going! I'll stall her
as long as I can."

Lita already had her fists armed and ready. "Are you kidding? I can take
care of myself, thank you very much."

"Look, I'm just trying to keep you outta trouble," Ranma snapped. "Quit
acting so macho and get going."

"Who are you calling macho?" Lita snapped back. "Just because I can defend
myself doesn't give you the right to call me that!"

"You don't know who you're dealing with--she can hurt you!"

"Look, *pal*, I've dealt with stuff way nastier than Lil' Miss Maniac here,
stuff that will make a guy like you run home screaming like a baby. You
seem to forget where I'm from, I'm a--"

"EXCUSE ME--I'M TALKING HERE!!!"

Lita and Ranma broke off their arguing to look at Kodachi quivering in
indignation. Certain that she held their attention, she smiled. "It appears
that her evil charms are having an effect on you already. You must forgive
me, Ranma-sama, for what I'm about to do, but--" In one fluid motion, she
yanked off her school uniform, revealing a dark grey leotard. Her smile
grew feral as she began twirling her ribbon. "--you must be *purged*."

Lita slowly backed away. "You know, Ranma, you're right. You should handle
this."

"Oh, don't you dare run away, girl! There are plenty of lashings for all!"
With a flick of her wrist, Kodachi snared her ribbon around a garbage can
and, to Lita's shock, flung it in her direction. She barely scrambled out
of the way as Ranma neatly deflected it with a kick.

"Go on! Get outta here! I'll handle this!" He snapped.

"Meow!"

Ranma blinked and looked at his still outstretched foot.

"Mrow?"

A cat, one of the alley variety, stared back in helpless confusion. All it
remembered was dining on some rather delicious fish guts drying in a paper
bag, and the next thing it knew its entire world was going topsy-turvy. It
had grabbed for the most stable thing it could find, and even as Ranma
stared, it reflexively dug its claws in deeper.

"AUUUUUUUGGHHHHHH! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!"

Shaking his foot did no good. Running about in circles didn't help either.
Putting his hands on it and pulling it off was not in the equation at all.
After a strange conglomeration of leaps, hops, and trips, Ranma's panic
kicked into overdrive and he tore off down the street, waving his arms and
shrieking in a most unmanly-like manner, the alley cat still clinging to
his foot for dear life.

Left behind, Kodachi and Lita stared at the vanishing cloud of dust that
was Ranma Saotome, then stared at each other.

"The hell was that?" Lita finally said.

Kodachi frowned, then narrowed her eyes. "Obviously another trick by you to
keep me and my beloved apart."

"What? I had nothing to do with that!"

"I doubt that. My Ranma-sama would never display such cowardice. You've
transformed your body, and now you must have transformed his mind somehow.
For that," Kodachi pulled the ribbon taut between her fingers, "I cannot
forgive you."

Lita gave one last despairing glance in the direction Ranma disappeared,
then, with a snarl, she faced the gymnast in a fighter's stance. "You wanna
fight? Fine! I've been looking to beat up somebody all day!"

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Very well, but the one who will be 'beat up', I'm afraid, will
be you! Shall we dance? Ho! Ho! Ho!" And Kodachi lashed forward with her
ribbon, forcing Lita to hop back.

Moments later, Lita felt as if she was in the middle of some macabre tap
dance. The other girl twirled and spun her ribbon so fast that Lita
couldn't get near her without being sliced open. The ribbon seemed to be
alive on its own, keeping her hopping, dodging and dancing about like a
drop of water on a hot skillet. Trying to snag the ribbon had resulted in
several nasty gashes along her hands and arms. Even when she could get near
the gymnast, Kodachi herself was weaving and leaping, graceful as a
ballerina, dangerous as a snake. And worse of all was that horrible mocking
laughter that never ceased, as if the entire fight was some game that was
greatly amusing her!

Dizzy, sore, and entirely frustrated, Lita shouted, "No fair! You think
this is some joke? Put down that ribbon and fight for real, dammit!"

Kodachi paused and put on a slightly-offended expression. "But I am
fighting for real! What makes you think I'm not? I always fight to the best
of my ability." Her voice suddenly dropped to a low snarl. "But if you want
to *fight*--"

Lita yelped as a what looked like a bowling pin came out of nowhere and
stuck her in the shoulder and another one stuck her in the knee, and one
nearly clocked her in the face. She spun to see Kodachi lazily spinning her
ribbon with one hand while the other hand juggled a number of pins with
such mocking ease that Lita lost it, and with an enraged bellow she rushed
forward, unheeding of the pins pelting her body as she threw a mighty punch
towards the gymnast. But Kodachi skipped back, laughing, and as Lita
shifted, she felt a pin strike her arm and another on her forehead. She
lurched back, and yet another smacked her in the back and another rolled
under her feet, causing her to trip and tumble forward, arms flailing,
unable to stop her descent, when, with a sharp 'snap', she found her arms
bound to her sides and her body halted, her nose less than two inches from
the pavement.

Behind her, Kodachi asked smugly, "Did you mean me to fight like that?"

Lita made no reply, but gathered her legs beneath her so she was kneeling
instead of dangling like a straining dog on a leash. The girl was a cheater
and a coward, hiding behind her stupid ribbon and pin tricks. She wasn't
about to give the gymnast the satisfaction of hearing the pain and
humiliation in her voice.

Kodachi, however, did not seem to be gloating. She seemed more puzzled as
she walked around Lita several times, her hand holding the ribbon's end
unconsciously twitching, before standing before her in thought. A scowl
gracing her pretty features as she softly spoke, "How odd. The brute
strength was there, but the form was horribly crude. The style was less
than ordinary, and though the grace before was rough and left much to be
desired, here it was nonexistent altogether. All of which proves--" she
broke off her musings to glare at Lita, "You *cannot* be Akane Tendo."

Lita's jaw hit the ground. Of all the weirdos she had met in this crazy
place, this obviously-insane girl actually *got it*?!

"Don't look so surprised," Kodachi gloated. "I can see through your little
ruse. While Akane Tendo couldn't possible beat me on one of her better
days, I am somewhat familiar with her sophomoric style. Her skill is
brutish and clumsy, but at least at some low level, she possesses the few
rudimentary skills that qualifies in Rhythmic Gymnastic Martial Arts.
There's even a faint--very faint, I'm loathed to say--appearance of grace
in her movements. In *you*, however, there is no appearance of grace,
though your skill is far from clumsy, and while your style is strong, it is
also all brute."

Lita's jaw would've traversed several feet deep in the ground if it could.
*Brute*?!

Kodachi continued, unaware of the growing green aura that had begun to
emanate from Lita's body, "Now, whether this is some demented hero worship
of the Tendo girl that you simply must give up, or if this is some plot
cooked up between yourself and that villainous girl, it is something I will
not tolerate. Doubtless that wanton slut is taking advantage of me being
occupied with you by pursuing my darling Ranma-sama. I will have to tell
her personally that her little plan was foiled, but just to insure this
little stint never happens again," A huge mallet suddenly appeared in
Kodachi's hands, causing Lita's aura to wink out in surprise. "I'm afraid
I'm going to have to use *you as an example. Now hold still!"

Lita had moments to see the mallet flying towards her before shutting her
eyes, jerking as the mallet slammed into her with a loud *CLANG!*

Wait a sec...*clang*?

Lita peeped through her eyelids. Standing protectively in front of her was
a figure clad in the dark blue uniform of a Furinkan male student. His slim
shoulders squared and his long chestnut ponytail swept to one side as he
turned, concern widening his beautiful brown eyes, his gentle hands
gripping the handle of his spatula...

<Oh, it's just that weird cross-dressing girl. Rats.>

"You all right back there, sugar?" Ukyo asked.

Lita shrugged listlessly, noting absently the ribbon wrapped around her had
unravelled due to the spatula snapping it in two. "As all right as I could
be, I guess." In actuality, her mind was still spinning from the gymnast's
frank words. A brute! No one had ever called her that, at least not to her
face. She had been called a bully, a tomboy and other words not worth
mentioning, but those were from jealous guys who couldn't throw a punch
themselves who picked on kids weaker than themselves. But to be called that
from a crazy girl who hid behind her little toys, and who then nearly beat
her black and blue with them--the ground wavered as tears filled her eyes.
Brute!

Unaware of the angst taking place behind her, Ukyo turned to Kodachi, who
regarded her with a flat stare. "I couldn't help noticing all the fun you
were having, so I decided to join in. Hope you don't mind."

"Why, of course I mind," Kodachi replied, all sweetness laced with poison.
"Don't you know it is rude to interrupt someone in the middle of
something?"

"I don't think you get the picture here. I'm supposed to stop you from
doing something."

"Ah, I see. If you are so eager for punishment, then have at thee, slut!"

"Right back at'cha, bitch!"

A club flung was swiftly batted aside by an intercepting mini-spatula. A
bare leg swept up in a graceful arc, narrowly skimming the chestnut
ponytail as it flashed down; the blue-trousered leg thrust out; the slim,
leotarded body arched backward, bringing the petite feet up, over and down
before skipping up again to sail over the sweep of the spatula's blade. The
ribbon, shorter than it was before, snaked out and curled around the
shaft of the spatula. Stepping forward, the uniformed body twisted
sideways, wrenching the spatula to the left; the ribbon stretched taut as
the holder of the ribbon was jerked forward. She compensated for her
mistake by letting gravity pull her upper body down, executing a perfect
no-hand cartwheel, her foot clipping the side of the chestnut-ponytail
girl. She stumbled back, the ribbon binding her right arm to her side, but
shifting her stance, she brought up her left arm, pulling her spatula up
and nicely deflecting the barrage of pins rushing towards her head, at the
same time stepping back slightly to give herself better leverage in the
small tug-of-war for the spatula. Clubs moved into a shapeless blur.
Chortles and curses peppered the air as the ribbon vibrated tightly between
them, on the verge of snapping.

Lita watched from a safe distance, taking in every move, every step. She
never knew fighting could be so vivid, so dangerous, so...graceful. This
was far beyond anything she had known.

Lita had considered herself a good fighter. Oh, sure, her style of fighting
before becoming a Scout was more along the lines of punching and punching
until the person stopped moving. Even after acquiring the powers of Jupiter,
if asked, she would grudgingly concede that her style of fighting was more
like brawling. Watching Ranma and his father fight introduced her to the
Art of Fighting. Now, as Kodachi and Ukyo leapt towards each other, Lita
learned how the Art of Fighting was actually used.

Was Ranma like this when he fought for real? Was Akane?

Akane was a fighter, a damn good fighter from what she'd heard. Certainly
good enough to hold her own in Lita's world. Deep in her heart, Lita knew
that the others were now one person short of the team. They would need all
the help they could get, especially if those aliens were still floating
around. If Akane was as nice as everyone said, she would offer her services
as a martial artist. And if she was as any good as Ukyo and Kodachi...

What if she was fighting with them?

In fact, what if she found a way to use Jupiter powers?

Lita's head wanted to dismiss the thought as stupid, paranoid nonsense, but
she found herself thinking back to all the times she failed protecting
Sailor Moon. If Akane was a great fighter and had Jupiter powers to boot,
what's not to say that the others would decide to have her take Lita's
place...maybe permanently?

That's absurd, her mind railed. Serena and the others would never let her
go like that. They were a team that stuck together, dammit, no matter what
happened. They wouldn't callously replace her with someone else...unless
Akane did an even better job of protecting Serena than she did...

Which could happen. Heck, to live in this crazy place, you *had* to become
a great fighter. Akane had so much more experience here than her. It would
be a more logical choice to have her protecting Sailor Moon...she wouldn't
abandon her, rush headlong into danger without thinking about it, or get
sidetracked. She would always stand by Sailor Moon, and she would never let
any harm come to her, unlike Lita, who instead of staying by her princess's
side, ran immediately into the thick of battle and...

<No. I won't think of it. I won't.>

But it was true. If she hadn't done that, she wouldn't have gotten kil--

<Please...I don't want to think about it...>

Maybe that's why Lita didn't have her powers now. Maybe...somehow...the
others found a way to give Jupiter's powers to someone who actually would
*know* how to use it instead of getting herself stupidly killed...

"I SAID I'M NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT IT!!!"

Kodachi turned at Lita's outburst--and the spatula slipped free, nailing
the gymnast in the head with an undignified "*CLONG*!!!"

Ukyo smiled in satisfaction as Kodachi crumpled to the ground. "Well,
that's taken care of." She bent over to make sure Kodachi was out for the
count, then gave Lita a cocky grin. "Looks like we showed her, huh? I --
hey, you all right? You're looking whitish all of the sudden."

Lita rubbed her face, grateful for the interruption. It was this place,
this crazy place, that was making her think of things she didn't want to
think about. All the more reason why she needed to get back home. "Um, I
forgot how fights were like here." She somewhat lied. She looked down at
Kodachi for emphasis. "Er, she is okay, right?"

Ukyo shrugged. "Eh, she's fine. She'll just catch a couple hours of shut-
eye and then she'll wake up to her abnormal loony self.  Hopefully, she'll
even have a pounding headache. But I suggest we hightail it from here
before she does wakes for seconds. Frankly, I can do without another
round."

"Yeah." Lita murmured. "You and me both." She visibly shook herself and
smiled wanly. "Thanks. If you hadn't come along, who knows what would've
happened. I would've been fine if Ranma hadn't ditched me."

A strange expression crossed Ukyo's face. "Yeah, that was weird. I've never
seen him do that before." She frowned at the comatose body of Kodachi. "I
would think that she would have something to do with it, but she seemed
just as surprised."

"You mean, he doesn't normally freak out like that?"

"Not since I've known him. But then again, I haven't been here that long.
Only a few weeks." She shook her head and began to untangle her spatula.
"So why was Miss Ho-Ho-Ho using you as her personal punching bag anyway?
Normally, you give back as good as she gives--or did you forget that along
with everything else, 'Akane'?"

Lita sighed. Enough was enough. This girl saved her, so she deserved the
truth. "Look, my name's not Akane. It's Lita, Lita Kino. I somehow got
zapped to your world by mistake, and Akane got zapped to my world. Ranma
wanted me to pretend I was Akane so he can get some mirror from this crazy
old woman, but it ain't worth all this. I don't know why I even agreed to
do this stupid scheme in the first place. But no more. I need to get back
to my own world, but I'm gonna do that on my own terms. I just need...to
find out how..."

To her credit, Ukyo merely stared at her before blinking a couple of times.
"Well, that's different," she slowly said. "Not what I was *expecting, but
definitely different. Tell you what: let's head over to my restaurant, and
you tell me your whole story while I'll whip you up a plate of okonomiyaki.
My treat."

"Oh-koh-huh?"

Ukyo laughed, "Sugar, you're *really* not from around here, aren't you?"

======================================================

When it came to okonomiyaki, Ukyo considered herself to be a good chef.
Though she had to open the restaurant part-time due to school, she prided
herself on having her own set of regulars, not just within Nerima, but from
all over the country. She endeavored to have the freshest ingredients on
hand and she kept the grill clean and hot for those who preferred to make
their own creations. She entertained all who came: the connoisseur, the
gourmet, the diner, the snacker, the craver, and the I'll-eat-anything-as-
long-as-it's-edible (the last was mainly Ranchan).

But every once in a while, someone who have not had okonomiyaki in a long
while would come along, or a gaijin from the states would come in wanting
to taste the local fare. And in even rarer cases, somebody would come in
her restaurant not knowing what okonomiyaki was at all. In those times,
Ukyo, who was already by nature a show-off, shifted into the highest level
of where the line between chef and artist blurred.

This was no zen-like trance of her normal cooking--every movement was
precisely done to amaze and stupefy: the flight of vegetables as they were
launched from the chopping board to the bowl of batter; the pouring of the
batter on the popping, sizzling grill; the sprinkling of spices floating
down as an aromatic mist; the sauce--ah, the sauce--splashing on top the
entire ensemble. Then, with a flair, her spatulas set to work: slicing,
dicing, turning, flipping, smashing, maneuvering the masterpiece just *so*.
And finally, with a flick of her wrist, the okonomiyaki slid to a stop in
front of the customer, who completed the entire experience by lifting a
piece to the lips, giving an experimental lick with the tongue before
popping it in, chewing several times, savoring the flavor, swallowing it,
and exclaiming:

"Oh my God! This is incredible!"

"You like?" Ukyo asked.

Lita nodded and gushed, "This is the best dish I ever had!"

Ukyo smiled brightly as she prepared another one with less flamboyance. "Of
course it is, sugar. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be in business."

"The pork is so wonderful! And what is it I'm tasting over the ginger? I
would think the ginger would be overpowering, but here it's so perfectly
balanced!"

"That's aonori--seaweed powder. As for everything else, that's a family
secret," Ukyo gently chastised, but secretly she beamed. It wasn't often
that a fellow chef sampled her food.

"This story of yours, though. I don't know what's more farfetched: that
you're a magical girl from another dimension or that you've somehow
convinced most of Furinkan High along with Shampoo and Cologne that you're
Akane. Frankly, I'm surprised you've gotten away with it this long. The
kids at the school, I can pretty much understand, and Shampoo--heh, you can
point to a rock and say it's Akane, and she'll believe it. But Cologne? I
don't know. I don't believe she'll buy your story just like that. If you
ask me, I'd say she's got something else up her sleeve for this cooking
contest, whether you'll win it or not."

"But I have to get that mirror." Lita said earnestly. "It's the only way I
can think of to get back home. I can't back out now!"

"Then all I can say is watch your back. Cologne's an old goat. She's got
ulterior motives for her ulterior motives."

Next to Lita, Ranma muttered something unintelligible and sat up. In a
flash, Ukyo was by his side. "Ranma! Honey! Are you alright? I made you
some okonomiyaki."

As Ranma automatically began scooping food into his mouth, Lita rolled her
eyes and finished off her own plate. On their way to the restaurant, they
had come upon his body embedded firmly in a brick wall, his fingers curled
in that weird position again. The culprit who caused such a sight was
sitting nearby, grooming its ears. Ukyo had acted pretty casual as she
pried Ranma off the wall with her spatula, as if she had done it a hundred
times before, but her perturbed expression remained on her face as she
slung him over her shoulder. It didn't make sense to either of them that
Ranma Saotome, the greatest martial artist ever born, could freak out from
just looking at a cat. He certainly didn't seem to be frightened of
anything now, polishing off his okonomiyaki and pushing his empty plate
forward for more. "Wha' happened?" He finally said. "Weren't we fighting
Kodachi a moment ago?"

Lita gaped for a moment, then snapped, "What happened? You abandoned me!
That's what happened!"

Ranma winced and pressed his hands to his head. "Awww geez, Lita, turn down
the volume, won'tcha?" Then his brain caught up with his ears and he loudly
stammered, "Akane! Not Lita! I meant to say Akane--"

"Forget it, Ranchan. I know everything. Or at least I *thought* I knew
everything."

Ranma glared at Lita, ignoring Ukyo's statement. "You told her? Lita, this
was supposed to be a secret!"

Lita crossed her arms and glared back. "Speaking of secrets, why don't you
tell us why you ditched me in the first place, Ra-n-ma?"

"Huh? What d'ya mean..."

"You know exactly what I mean." Lita hunched her shoulders, widened her
eyes and cranked her voice several notches, "'EEEEEK! A CAT! GET IT OFF
MEEEEEEE!!!' What the hell was that, Mr. Macho-Man?"

"That? Oh, that! Well..." While he scrambled to think of something, Ranma
suddenly found his shirt grabbed from behind by Ukyo.

"Ranchan, I saw the entire thing! I thought you wasn't afraid of anything!
Say it isn't so! You never told me you were afraid of cats!"

"You *saw*?" Ranma asked, aghast, but the two girls were well into it by
now.

"Ranchan, I thought I knew you!"

"Just who do you think you are, anyway?"

"What other secrets are you hiding from me?"

"First pet pigs, now cats--what is your thing with cute little animals,
huh?"

"How can you keep this from me? I'm supposed to be your *cute* fiancee, you
jackass!"

"How you gonna get me home if you freak out at every little thing, you
jackass!"

As both girls broke off to stare at each other, Ranma took a chance to
interject, "Wait! I can explain!"

"You better, Ranchan." Ukyo growled.

"I'm listening." Lita added.

Ranma sighed, then told the well-known story of his father and the pit of
cats. Lita looked skeptical at first, then puzzled, then horrified, and
finally, sympathetic. "That bastard! How could he do that to his own son?
No wonder he treats you like crap!"

Ukyo was more silent, her expression unreadable. When he finished, she
stared down at her grill, her hair hiding her face from view. When she
didn't say anything for a while, Ranma grew nervous and ventured, "Hey,
Ucchan? You okay with this? I mean, yeah, Pop did some pretty bad things to
me."

"Damn right he did," Lita snarled. "I outta go pound his face in right
now."

"No, it's okay." Ukyo said softly. Ranma noticed that her hands were
clenched and trembling. "It just means one thing..."

Ranma gulped. <Is she *ashamed* of me? Is she going to call off the
engagement because of some stupid thing my pop did?>

Ukyo stood up and beamed triumphantly to the sky. "It means that Chinese
bimbo got nothin' on you, Ranchan!"

Ranma crashed to the ground. Lita looked confused. "Huh?"

"Think of it, sugar! You got a legitimate excuse now to break the
engagement with her! With Shampoo's curse, you two won't be compatible.
Cologne will have to break off the engagement. It's the perfect thing to
do!"

"Shampoo has a curse, too?

"Don't you think I already tried that tactic?" Ranma growled, seating
himself next to Lita again. "Cologne didn't see it that way. Said something
about 'adding spice to our relationship'. As if we have a relationship."

"What, does everyone in this weird place turn into animals?"

"But Ranchan--you don't want to have a marriage like that! You need someone
who doesn't freak you out or pummel you to death!"

"Listen, Ucchan. I appreciate what ya saying, but I got enough problems
already trying to juggle all these engagements and stuff..."

"WILL THE BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME?!?!"

Ranma and Ukyo stared at Lita, who was staring at the megaphone that had
materialized in her hand. She tossed it aside and spoke, "Look, Ranma's
'scaredy-cat' tendencies is nice and all...but how is it going to help me
to get home? If Shampoo does turn into a cat as you say, and she does that
while we're fighting her for that mirror, you'll just take off again, and
you'll leave me stranded with Cologne. How am I supposed to deal with
that?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Then just do whatever you did with Kodachi. I take
it you beat her? Otherwise you wouldn't be standing here."

"Are you kidding? That crazy psycho bitch nearly killed me!"

"She's right, Ranchan. She would've been french-kissing the pavement if I,
uh, hadn't walked by."

"You didn't have to put it that way," Lita groused sullenly. "I could've
taken her if she fought fair."

Ranma turned to her with a disappointing frown. "I thought you said you can
handle yourself. You're the one who's supposed to be a magical girl and all
that stuff."

"I don't have my Jupiter powers, remember? And besides, I was doing fine
until you *left* me!"

"Huh. This ain't good." He swept the rest of his food into his mouth and
stood. "Come on, we're leaving."

"Now where are we going?"

"Training."

"But, I haven't finished my okonomiyaki--" Lita protested as she was pulled
away against her will once more. Ukyo saw them out with a cheerful grin.

"Bai, Bai! Don't overwork yourselves! Good luck on the contest!"

"Thanks for the food, Ukyo! Ow! You don't have to pull me so hard!"

"Yeah, Ucchan, thanks for the food! Aw, come on, Lita, quit your
whining...do you wanna get home or not?"

As their voices quickly faded away, Ukyo's sunny smile slipped from her
face just as quickly. She reached over and pulled in her 'Open for
Business' sign from outside her door, shut the door and pulled the shade
down. Minutes later, she was once more bounding across the rooftops, her
large spatula firmly strapped to her back.

A plan had formed in Ukyo's mind.

It wasn't as if she didn't like Lita. A bit on the paranoid side, perhaps,
but in a strange sense, she reminded her of Akane in some ways. Same
bullish personality, same determination. The only difference was that Akane
was Ranma's fiancee. Lita was not.

She would miss Akane, of course. When she wasn't beating up on Ranchan or
having Ranchan save her butt (which he did often to the annoyance of Ukyo),
she could actually be a nice person. Who knows, maybe she was having a
ball, wherever she was. Maybe she didn't want to come back to Nerima.
Certainly, she wouldn't be embroiled in this engagement mess if she stayed
where she was, which suited Ukyo fine. Still, she would miss her.

And she did feel sorry for Lita. The girl seemed so intent on getting home,
but it wasn't too bad living here. She would adjust. Everyone did, after a
while. And who knows, maybe she and Lita could become really good friends
after a while. She'll offer a place for her to stay in the restaurant,
maybe hire her as an extra cook. It could be a start of a beautiful
friendship, so long she had no intentions on moving on Ranchan and forget
about that silly magical girl nonsense.

Ukyo smiled as she sailed across the sky. Finally, a chance to narrow the
competition! With Akane out of her way, it wouldn't be too long before
Ranchan realized his incompatibility with Shampoo. What a stroke of luck
finding that out! And then Ranchan would be hers, all hers!

But in order for her plan to work, she needed a partner...
============================================================
LaShawn M. Wanak (tbone_m_jenkins@yahoo.net)
T-bone Enterprises * In Touch With Yours Truly
============================================================