Issue 1:
ANC, ANC, ANC! My god, man - Kijo the Ki-Charged Kid should be
the
name of this fic.
The fic's name is "Master of Ki," but I should probably translate, eh?
*nods* Yeah, I'd say so. Japanese is okay in some situations, but I'd
prefer English, myself. That way, I can focus on the story, rather than the
storytelling... if you get my drift. :)
<snip>
It's been done, it's old,
and it's annoying, because it looks exactly like a (*very*)
thinly-veiled
self-insert... and a munchkin one, at that.
Munchkin?
Old RPG (Role Playing Game) term. Derives from 'rules munchkin', ie, a
character who drastically outclasses the others, whether it be in terms of
combat ability (the most common), or something else (like my roommates old
character, who can create force fields, has loads of skill with
mechanical/electronic devices, and is invisible to all sensing systems
except for organic ones. Sheesh.)
Basically, someone who's so powerful that it's nigh-impossible to
challenge them without creating a challenge so hard that the other
characters don't stand a chance.
Tossing in a "I do have limits,
you know," does not help - you need to show us some flaws with this guy.
I'min the process of re-doing these first parts with his added setbacks.
Check it out (and I'm skipping some stuff here):
He's a martial artist (natch).
He's got ki-abilities up the wazoo... according to the
story,
his ki blast put both the Moko Takabisha and the Shi Shi Hokodan to
shame.
Err... yeah.
It's big. That's all.
Yes, but 'big' as in the size, or 'big' as in the power? I kinda got
the impression that it was both...
He was able to smack Happosai around *the first time he met
him*, which is something not even Ranma managed.
He got lucky. Happosai was distracted with Ranma's breasts. I should
modify
that, though......
*nods* Yep. Happy was distracted when Ranma first took him on, too,
and Ranma still got stomped, until they ganged up on the old perv.
He's rolling in dough (sure, it comes from dear ol' dad, but
what's the diff?)
I added that as a convinience, but who else in the story has a lot of
money?
Besides Kuno.
Well, true, but taken with everything else, it's just too much. And
it's a suspiciously convenient starting point for a possible Kijo-Nabiki
matchup. :)
He can fly.
So can Herb. Did anyone complain to Takahashi about that?
Well, *I* wouldn't be comparing myself to Takahashi-sama, were I you,
but... ;)
Yes, Herb can fly. So could Cologne, albeit with a little assistance.
Mousse can... as a duck. Taro can, as a whatever-the-hell-you-call-it. I
guess what it is, then, is that, again, combined with everything else, it
seems a bit much.
<snip>
Issue 2:
Dialogue. Not that it's bad (although Kijo is coming across to
me
as being rather smug, most of the time), but you've got to watch your
paragraph breaks.
Smug? It was intended to be polite. Paragraph breaks, you mean they're too
short?
The smug bit was a function of his knowledge, I think... I wouldn't
worry too strongly about it; I could just be reading something into it that
isn't really there.
Paragraph breaks: The rule for paragraph breaks in dialogue is, when
another character starts talking, it's time for a new paragraph. For
example:
(from Ki No Jozu 1)
Change:
Genma dropped to the ground. "Never assume that everything you plan
will work. Wish I'd have thought of that one, though..." he muttered under
his breath. Ranma bounced one of the rocks from the pond off the back of
his head. "I heard that! You think it was a good idea! Ha!"
to:
Genma dropped to the ground. "Never assume that everything you plan
will work. Wish I'd have thought of that one, though..." he muttered under
his breath. Ranma bounced one of the rocks from the pond off the back of
his head.
"I heard that! You think it was a good idea! Ha!"
Issue 3:
Plot. As in, lack thereof (so far). I can see lots of
potential
here, but so far, you've not shown me anything that has me interested.
Why
is Kijo here? What's the purpose of this character? What new insanity
is
his presence going to stir up? WHAT'S GOING ON?!?
Think about the original. Ranma shows up, he's Akane's fiancee, he turns
into a girl, Kuno hates him.... Notice his past and his adventures show up
a
little while later.
Yes, but there's conflict right from the beginning - Akane and Ranma's
engagement, Ranma's ongoing quest to find a cure (which is, if not 'the', at
least one of the main plots throughout the series), trying to fit in at
school, etc. Conflict is the essence of a story - without it, all you've
got is a documentary, and a boring one at that.
For example, it'd be much more interesting if, right from the beginning,
we knew that, say, Kijo's reason for coming to Nerima was that he was trying
to come to grips with himself after that ritual human sacrifice he had
attended last week, and had heard of the legendary Master Happosai, who had
the ability to make ANYTHING look decent in comparison to the acts the
master himself engaged in on a regular basis.
Or something... I'm just tossing out random thoughts. :)
Seriously, you need to hook us right from the start. Takahashi-sama did
it with Ranma's desire to find a cure. If you look, that premise starts in
volume (or episode, if you're into anime continuity) one and goes through
the end of the series. THAT's the sort of hook you need - one overriding
desire of the main character that takes the whole story to accomplish (or,
to at least develop the character to the point where they no longer desire
whatever-it-was). Sure, there's sub-plots along the way, but you need to
lay the groundwork for the overall goal right from the start.
Issue 4:
Talking to the reader. Hoo, boy, is that annoying. I'd drop
it,
myself - we can figure out what you mean without you explaining it. If
this
were a comedy, I'd say run with it (within reason). A good example,
IMO,
would be Girl Days, by Kenko. He comments to the readers all the
time...
but it's done in an acceptable fashion, the story isn't adversely
affected,
and the general tone of the story is conducive to just that. Yours,
OTOH,
is not.
I tried to keep from doing that....
It was pretty prevalent in chapter one, it's gotten better since.
Issue 5:
"Tonight, on Fan Fiction News Network - stock footage from the
oft-acclaimed Ranma 1/2 series! Stay tuned!"
(in other words - drop the cliche gags, the stock scenes, the
overused bits. They're like spices - don't use any, the food is okay;
use
just enough, the food is great; use too much, the food stinks.)
If you don't have the usuals, it's not Ranma anymore. Cliches will be
avoided, though.
Well... yes and no. Some things are okay, some aren't - it's really a
matter of personal choice. But, for example, what exactly was the purpose
of Ranma and Genma fighting at the start of chapter one? There doesn't seem
to have been a purpose for that beyond tossing in stock Ranma scenes to
flesh out your story... which is unnecessary; your story should stand on
it's own. Now, if Kijo had WITNESSED the fight, and later on said to Ranma,
"Hey, I saw you fighting this morning - you really suck! And what was with
that panda?", I could understand it. But that wasn't what happened.
(bear in mind that, had Kijo actually said THAT, he probably wouldn't be
hanging around Ranma for all that long... :)
Also, as a general rule, your story should start at the beginning... as
in, when your main character (Kijo) arrives on the scene. The actual
*story* doesn't start until he arrives, so why waste time with leader space
that could have been put to better use actually telling the story?
I have to say, I'm looking forward to where it's going... but I'd like
to see it revised to be what it COULD be, with some more work. Y'know? :)
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
Sofaspud's Couch - anime fanfiction and news. Submissions welcome!
http://www.sofaspud.org