Brian Payne <sofaspud@sofaspud.org> wrote:
Issue 1:
ANC, ANC, ANC! My god, man - Kijo the Ki-Charged Kid should be
the
name of this fic.
The fic's name is "Master of Ki," but I should probably translate, eh?
Granted that his style is focused on ki abilities, he's
still more powerful than most of the regulars. And the strange (some
would
say 'convenient') way he fits right in and gets along with the good guys
of
the original cast is, IMO, just a bit too trite.
Second time this has been mentioned. Yes, I am aware that he is falling into
the "perfect" catergory, and am rushing to change it.
It's been done, it's old,
and it's annoying, because it looks exactly like a (*very*) thinly-veiled
self-insert... and a munchkin one, at that.
Munchkin?
Tossing in a "I do have limits,
you know," does not help - you need to show us some flaws with this guy.
I'min the process of re-doing these first parts with his added setbacks.
Check it out (and I'm skipping some stuff here):
He's a martial artist (natch).
He's got ki-abilities up the wazoo... according to the story,
his ki blast put both the Moko Takabisha and the Shi Shi Hokodan to shame.
Err... yeah.
It's big. That's all.
He was able to smack Happosai around *the first time he met
him*, which is something not even Ranma managed.
He got lucky. Happosai was distracted with Ranma's breasts. I should modify
that, though......
He's rolling in dough (sure, it comes from dear ol' dad, but
what's the diff?)
I added that as a convinience, but who else in the story has a lot of money?
Besides Kuno.
He's everybody's friend.
Will be modified.......
He can fly.
So can Herb. Did anyone complain to Takahashi about that?
He knows about the Chinese Amazons... has heard of some of
their
techniques... all of which seems very improbable, as they're pretty much
unknown to damn near everybody.
I was gonna get rid of his knowledge there.
Issue 2:
Dialogue. Not that it's bad (although Kijo is coming across to me
as being rather smug, most of the time), but you've got to watch your
paragraph breaks.
Smug? It was intended to be polite. Paragraph breaks, you mean they're too
short?
Issue 3:
Plot. As in, lack thereof (so far). I can see lots of potential
here, but so far, you've not shown me anything that has me interested.
Why
is Kijo here? What's the purpose of this character? What new insanity is
his presence going to stir up? WHAT'S GOING ON?!?
Think about the original. Ranma shows up, he's Akane's fiancee, he turns
into a girl, Kuno hates him.... Notice his past and his adventures show up a
little while later.
Issue 4:
Talking to the reader. Hoo, boy, is that annoying. I'd drop it,
myself - we can figure out what you mean without you explaining it. If
this
were a comedy, I'd say run with it (within reason). A good example, IMO,
would be Girl Days, by Kenko. He comments to the readers all the time...
but it's done in an acceptable fashion, the story isn't adversely
affected,
and the general tone of the story is conducive to just that. Yours, OTOH,
is not.
I tried to keep from doing that....
Issue 5:
"Tonight, on Fan Fiction News Network - stock footage from the
oft-acclaimed Ranma 1/2 series! Stay tuned!"
(in other words - drop the cliche gags, the stock scenes, the
overused bits. They're like spices - don't use any, the food is okay; use
just enough, the food is great; use too much, the food stinks.)
If you don't have the usuals, it's not Ranma anymore. Cliches will be
avoided, though.
Sorry to sound so critical, but as I said - this story has potential.
I
like powerful characters, myself... but there has to be a REASON for their
power. I don't mean HOW they got their power, but rather, that there is a
plot-point that is dependent on their power, yet is still challenging.
It's coming.....
Anyway. I'll stop spouting off, now, but I'll leave with this: The
story has potential, you have some talent, and if you can make them work
together, I think you just may have something worth hanging on to here.
But
you need to work at it.
I figured this would be the reception I got, you know, 'you're not bad but
here's your problem....' and any suggestions are good ones.
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