Very intesting...
----- Original Message -----
From: "Katrina Lee Halbred" <katrina_lee@enterpriseds.com>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Friday, June 09, 2000 11:24 AM
Subject: [FFML] Fw: Ranko's Wings Episode 1 Revision 2.
Umm, these are random street punks? That kind of
person doesn't
just toss around jeweled daggers, even in Nerima.
Um, aren't magical weapons (IE those used for killing
vampires and demons
and such) usually rich looking? IE with rubies, or diamonds,
etc, for the
enchantments which have been placed on them? If not, then its
just a
normal
dagger thrown to knock her down, or get her down.
Generally, although I doubt they
Ranma turned from her father to face the bullies.
Umm, this is written as editorial opinion by Ranma, right?
Someone
defending their home town from demon vampires is hardly a
bully...
Um, actually, this is Ranma's opinion of the 3 teens (who
attend Furinkan
as
well). To him, anyone who would pick a fight, much less try
and kill
someone
who can't or won't fight back is a bully. And that, if I
remember the
anime
correctly, is canon.
everyone. And yet, he couldn't deny how she seemed to
have
this...magic on most people that just seemed to make them
want to
be more friendly with her. Too bad it didn't work on
everyone.
this needs further exploration, and fast.
Comes later. Things will get explained as they need
explaining. But the
problem I have had in the past is trying to cram too many of
the
explanations into the first episode.
I agree, you have to leave some things for later; however this
provides an pause
before leading into the fight. You could try having Ranma have to
react to something
for this pause in thought-feeling to jump-start us back into the
action forcing the
explinations to later.
Ranma sighed. This had already been a long day. It had
started out
raining today and they hadn't had a chance to get some
hot water so
that she could change back to her male form. She really
hated
meeting new people in her female form.
So why don't they do that now? There's no particular
rush...
OK, I probably should have Genma-panda dragging them along.
Or just point out the value of getting off the streets of such a
dangerous city. :)
"Excuse me, did you say "Big Brother"?" asked Nabiki. She
continued
poking Ranma in the chest as if not aware she was doing
it anymore.
"And what did you mean by 'He's not used to being a
girl'? Isn't
your "Big Brother" always a girl?"
Ranko giggled again, "not when he can help it".
"Um...Would you please stop that?" asked Ranma-chan. She
still
looked miserable.
"Well, Daddy, it would appear that our "fiancee" is a
girl!"
Umm, this doesn't really work here. She should be
modifying this
according to what Ranko told her.
OK, I don't think I follow. I felt this was pretty well
placed for Nabiki's
comment. I supposed I could redo this whole sequence to
better fit the
idea that Nabiki is trying to figure out what is going on.
But, should I have
her say "Nice going, daddy, our fiance is a transvestite"?
Well, how do you respond when a girl with wings tells you the
girl your feeling-up
isn't a girl "when he can help it"? hehe. You could try
something along the lines
"Some fiance this is." or perhaps "Daddy, why are you friends
with them?"
but in any case, I do agree the line does seem a little forced
after Ranko's
declaration, even if Nabiki does believe her. It might work
better if she had started
to ignore Ranko to make her proclamation about Ranma being a
girl, then shifting mid
gear to ask what do you mean big brother. (of course take these
suggests with a grain
of salt.)
Akane sighed. "Enough of this. He..Er...They are our
guests. We
should treat them as such." Akane looked at the winged
red-head.
"I'm Akane, want to be friends?"
Ranko smiled, showing her fangs. "Can we?" She was
genuinely
enthusiastic.
Akane, however, got a look at the fangs and freaked out.
"A
vampire! Aaaaa!"
Akane pulled a wooden mallet out which curiously had a
sharp end to
it and swung it at Ranko's chest. Things seemed to move
in slow
motion as Ranko screamed and dropped into a crouch,
rolling
backwards. Ranma ran and stopped, throwing her leg in
front of the
mallet-spike blocking it with her shin. The look on her
face was
one of anger. Yet, she stayed in that position, seemingly
balancing
on one leg while holding the mallet-spike up with the
other.
Huh? Why ever would she have this thing? Remember, in
the
manga/anime, Akane never used a mallet until Kasumi gave
her one
specifically.
Now later, we learn that Akane has some experience
with
vampires, so it *might* make sense for her to carry around
a wooden
stake just in case, but a spiked mallet? no.
I meant to change that. Not sure what to change it to,
though. Akane
carrying a stake around with her? That would be...Different.
Might work
given the facts. Um, when in the Anime did Kasumi give her
the Mallet? I
don't remember her ever giving Akane a mallet in the Anime...
I believe it was the first time they were left alone together.
And when Shampoo
made that stuff that made ranma hug anyone who sneezed (i could
be wrong
thought)
Soun started wailing. "Wahh! My youngest daughter has no
honor."
"Akane! They are guests. Trying to kill guests is
impolite,"
scolded Kasumi sternly.
Nabiki, for once, couldn't say anything. She was still in
shock by
what she had just seen. Her jaw was still hanging open,
which her
sister Kasumi politely closed for her, causing an audible
"click"
sound when her teeth came together. "Nabiki, please keep
your mouth
closed, its not nice to make faces at our guests."
Akane fumed. Fine, she thought. Make her look like the
bad guy. She
tries to protect her family from some vampire and they
turn on her.
"Fine, then. I challenge you, vampire."
Much much further down, we learn Akane's motivation,
but it
should actually come out here. After all, if Mrs. Tendou
was done
wrong by a demon vampire, shouldn't the rest of the family
be
reacting negatively too? Wouldn't Akane be curious as to
why they
weren't?
And what does she gain by challenging the vampire?
It's clear
her family is a bunch of sheep who won't change their
opinion....
How would you propose I put that point up here? It doesn't
seem to flow
with the rest of the story. In my opinion, and in the real
world, things don't
always flow the way we feel they should. I was trying to keep
this as
realistic as possible. Therefore, some of the answers will
either not come
until later, or not come at all.
While I do agree that with story timeline moving immediately to
the dojo
for the challenge might seem akward, Shouldn't someone, Nabiki
maybe,
atleast offer an apology for Akane's behavior, and say they'll
explain it later
(even if their version of events aren't the wright ones.) Esp. if
Akane has
had some "trouble" accepting her mothers death.
Ranko started crying. "Why do they always act this way!
All I
wanted was to be friends. Why do they keep reacting to me
as if I
am some kind of freak?? And I thought a hug would make
Akane feel
better. Instead she was so filled with anger she fell
asleep!"
Because you *are* some kind of freak.
And I notice no one bothers to explain why Akane might
be upset
by a vampire....
That's because no one else knows. Akane was in the same
room and
witnessed the event. Saw the glowing red eyes and the fangs
as they
drained the life from her...No one else knows. Save for
Kasumi. However, I am
keeping the events about Kasumi puzzling on purpose. Her past
will be
revealed much later.
maybe, but couldn't someone now tell us their version of what
happend atleast?
probably not Kasumi, but Nabiki could.
"Oh, my," summed up Kasumi, putting her hand to her
mouth.
Akane glared at Ranma triumphantly. "I knew it! He is a
pervert!
With a vampire sister!"
Huh? This makes no sense, even by Akane standards.
Remember,
Akane started calling Ranma a "pervert" because he saw her
naked, and
as a Japanese pun on "shapeshifter". This Ranma hasn't
done anything
like that.
A more appropriate epithet would be something like
"demon-lover" or the like...
How so? She makes many comments about him being a "pervert"
as in a
crossdresser, etc...IE, see the Tsubasa episode manga/anime.
Good example.
Therefore, she is referring to him as being a crossdresser,
girl wannabe,
etc..
Maybe, but that was when her anger was focused at Ranma for her
walking in on him
and her problem with the boys at school. This time her anger is
more focused on Ranko,
and the memory of the pain of loosing her mother. As far as
everyone else is reacting,
Akane might believe she is mind controlling everyone else not to
see the truth or to
protect her. Of course that route leads into a much darker fic
(if not Kunou like fic) where
there would be no way to prove to her other wise.
Ranko flung her arms around Kasumi's neck in a girlish
hug. "You're
the best, Kasumi!" Kasumi smiled.
Akane chose that moment to enter the bath thinking that
it would be
nice to have a nice hot bath herself. What she saw when
she walked
in was Ranko trying to sink her fangs into Kasumi's neck.
The
innocent ploy was so obvious to Akane. Ranko acted
innocent until
she got one of Akane's sisters alone and then she sucked
their
blood. Simple. Why didn't anyone else see how simple it
was? And
there was no way Akane was going to let this happen in
her family
again! Once was enough.
Again, why does no one else make the connection?
Because no one else is looking at Ranko as an object.
No one else is
looking at her as a freak. Her background isn't her fault.
That was one of
the things I was trying to show with everyone thinking. She
is so
innocent, that she can't except there are people who are
willingly doing
evil in the world.
Maybe. We have seen that glance into her soul, but Tendos haven't
really
seen that yet. Even if Soun, Nabiki, and Kasumi(?) don't believe
in vampires,
here is a girl with wings. They should atleast react a little
more to that.
Ranma, Nabiki, Genma and Soun were in the bathroom in a
flash
before Akane knew what was going on. "Akane, what
happened?"
Akane was in a rage, tears coming down the side of her
face. "Your
kind took my mother from me! Your kind are the ones to
blame for
her not being here!" By now, her aura had made itself
known and
tripled in size.
Ranma stepped forward, visibly agitated. "Calm down,
Akane. Ranko
is NOT a vampire. I wish you would get it through your
head. SHE IS
NOT YOUR ENEMY!"
Akane launched herself at Ranma. "Like hell she isn't!
She has the
fangs! She has the wings! She's a vampire!" Ranma moved
to the
side, catching Akane in seemingly one move. Akane fell
asleep in
Ranma's arms.
Kasumi ran over to where Ranko's unmoving form was slowly
sinking
under the water and pulled her out of the bathtub.
"Ranko...Ranko...?" Kasumi put her head over Ranko's
mouth and
listened, quietly. She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good.
She is
still breathing..." Kasumi gently picked Ranko up and got
her out
of the danger zone.
And still, no one thinks to explain *why* Akane might be
upset?
They just let it hang?
Same as above. No one has a clue. Though I suppose I should
have Genma
backhand Akane or something like that. I was hoping to keep
that kind of
physical abuse out of the beginning.
Even if they don't know, didn't she atleast do or say something
to them earlier!
They may not believe her, but I doubt a little Akane would have
kept that secret
from her family, atleast untill she grew to understand that would
not believe her.
Kasumi continued to work on Ranko in her room. As she
removed
Ranko's shirt to clean the blood which had dribbled down
her back,
she was startled to find claw marks all over her back.
She looked
at her own finger nails and at Ranko's. She realized that
nothing
human could have made those. She wondered what caused
them....Kasumi didn't notice that while she was cleaning
the
wounds, they seemed to be healing up as her hands touched
the
places where Ranko was injured. She also didn't notice
her hands
glowing a slight blue-ish color either.
Umm, where *did* those come from? Akane didn't do it,
and we
didn't see anyone else who could....
That will be explained in a later issue. This is called a
"bait" trap :).
Its to make people go "what the hell?" when they are reading
and piques
their curiosity. For the full story of where those come from,
one will
need
to read the side storys which detail Akane fighting demons in
Ranko's
Dreams. And trying to protect her from them....And failing.
There was a knock on her door.
"Enter."
Ranma-chan entered the room, wet, and looking somewhat
annoyed.
"Akane is sleeping in her bed."
Kasumi smiled. "Ah, there you are, Ranma. I want your
sister to
stay in my room. At least for a little while."
Ranma thought about that for a moment before nodding.
"That would
work fine. I can't think of anyone else who she'd feel
more
comfortable with. Thanks, Kasumi."
Okay, here I have a problem. Yes, Kasumi exudes trust, but Ranma
just met
this family, and one sister has tried to kill her and nobody has
even attempted
to explain. From the canon, I don't get the feeling that Ranma
really started to
trust or settle in untill atleast it was plain his father wasn't
just going to pack up
and leave like they always where doing before. Now he is handing
the life of
his sister over to a stranger?!?!?
"Oh, and Ranma, one more thing," began Kasumi hesitantly.
"Yes?"
"You still haven't told us why Ranko is like she is?
Surely this
isn't something that just happenned out of the blue?"
Ranma sighed. He had hoped he could avoid telling people
about why
Ranko was half demon or how she was.
Kasumi noticed how uneasy Ranma was with the question and
smiled.
"Ranma, the reason why I ask is because when I laid Ranko
down in
my bed to rest, I noticed there were strange scratches
and cuts all
over her back. These didn't look like anything that could
have been
made by a human. And they felt...Well, demonic...For lack
of a
better word for it. Your sister is half demon, isn't
she?"
Ranma was startled. "How-?"
Kasumi gave that angelic smile again. "It seems to be a
trait I
inherited from Mother, before she died."
Umm, okay, interesting, but is this an mother to eldest
daughter
sort of thing, or do the other two have a different mom, or
what?
Interesting, I thought that was self explanatory as I haven't
said
anything about Soun cheating on his wife. Not sure where I
can clerify it though.
Ranma sighed again. "My sister is the results of one of
my Pop's
mistresses who turned out to be a demoness who seduced
him. He
awoke the next morning to her laughing and handed him a
baby girl.
I didn't find out about this until a few years ago
myself.
Regardless of where she came from, though, she is still
my sister."
And anyone claiming to have a gift or trait to feel or detect
demonic anything
would set alarms off in my head, if I was trying to protect
Ranko. Kasumi may
seem nice enough, but I am sure that this Ranma has meet plenty
of
people who seemed nice enough.
Blink blink. *One* of Genma's mistresses? he never
did that in
canon...on the other hand, he's willing to raise a baby
that appears
overnight and which the demoness *claims* is his....which
actually
comes down on the credit side for once.
You didn't read Reluctant Bet did you?
Do I need to go look for that one? :)
Major suggestion: Skip the "parallel to original"
stuff as much
as possible, and move directly into the infestation of
actual demon
vampires that obviously has panicked citizens into buying
jeweled
Daggers of Demon Slaying and such...
Noted. That is probably a good idea, although a hard one to
follow. It was
hard enough trying to write the earlier stuff.
I'd recommend moving the story about Mrs. Tendou front
and
center in this chapter, and give the *reader* some reason
to believe
that Ranko isn't a vampire demon who just won't admit it...
And some explanation of why some people react to her
appearance
and others don't is a must for early revelation...
Hmm. OK, this is far from finished so I will see what I can
do with that
idea. Though I don't really want to reveal everything in the
first
episode.
One question though. Didn't anyone think of letting Ranko try the
spring of
drowned girl? Even if they didn't think of looking of a spring of
drowned man,
the chance to let Ranko could have a normal form should have been
tempting.
Then again the entire beginning would go away with the story
being canon with
the small addition of a sister, untill the hot water started
being through around.
Then it would get intresting when they asked why Ranma's curse
was activated
by cold water and Ranko's curse by hot. :)
OT PS: to anyone who may be wondering, I will be getting the next
part of my little
story, hopefully soon. I was ready to send the next two parts
when I found a glaring
error, and when I tried to fix it, I had a major case of RL sneak
up behind me.
Mayhaps I should consider finding someone to proof read who
actually likes Ranma. :)
anyways, I hope something, anything I said here helps. TTFN
========= ========= ========= =========
We the unwilling, led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful.
We have done so much, for so long, with so little
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing