At 03:13 AM 5/18/00 +0000, you wrote:
Maya Snaps
(A
FRICKIN' HUUUGE!
lemon NGE fic)
By Ammadeau
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org
http://www.angelfire.com/anime/amma
Ahh... Lemon for the sake of lemon... Not too sweet, not too sour...
Juuuuussst riiiiggghhhtt....
C&C (contains spoilers...):
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1. Ritsuko's changeover, while linked to the massive amount of alcohol Maya
forces her to consume is very sudden. She goes from raging homophobe to
super-sado-dyke in a matter of paragraphs. This is not the case with Maya's
flash-back scenes, so I would kinda like to see a little more transition.
At one point, Ritsuko admits to herself that Maya is turning her body on,
while she's still disgusted with the thought of touching another woman.
2. Ritsuko realizes that Maya is what she really wants/needs while she's
drunk. There doesn't appear to be any reinforcement of this after the
event. She just let's Maya stay late with her one night after work...
I would like to see a little more internal dialogue in the final scenes
wherein Ritsuko admits to herself that she's happier as a lesbian or Maya's
lover/master than with Gendou.
3. A great deal of the story seems to be built on the tenderness between
Maya and her first sempai, and her desire to give that same tenderness to
Ritsuko (and
*only* Ritsuko. You go on and on about why she admires
Rit-chan, but Misato shares very few of Ritsuko's qualities). The line at
the end, when they chat about Misato is funny, but seems to counter this.
Maya blushed and asked hesitantly, "Do you think the
Major might like to pull an all-nighter with us sometime?"
I suggest changing this line so that it's Ritsuko's suggestion or that it's
Ritsuko's thought process. That way you keep the humor of a shuddering
Misato, without enforcing the idea that lesbianism is equivalent to
promiscuity.
4. It's fairly ambiguous as to how Maya was assaulted in her youth. Was she
merely beaten and stripped, or was she actually sexually assaulted? You
might consider making this a little more explicit. Perhaps the scene in
which Gendou and Ritsuko are doing the deed all over Maya's sempai's coat
could trigger a flashback?
Finally, after Gendou ******'s all over the coat, that's the last we see of
it. It would be nice to have some literary closure. (What? Literary value
in a hard lemon?) A new coat, or perhaps Maya has laundered it and given it
to Ritsuko... something to tie the rather minor symbolic loose end.
At any rate, Damned entertaining lemon, Amm. Keep it up!
C.
* * *
C. Jones -
guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net
* * *
Distant lands are not so far away;
I don't know why we don't go.
Take my hands, I'll show you the way!
Pack your bags and sail away...
- The Other Ones
Watashi ha ultra-relakusu!