Hi!
I really liked this part, but I had some comments.
I'm not so sure about using the commander's viewpoint. It gives the
reader a good insight but for some reason it felt a little strange. I
suppose it might just be because we're seeing so much more of him in
this chapter than in the previous ones.
I'm also not exactly sure what the scene with Kouzou was supposed to
achieve. It seems you're trying to move forward with the action plot
(as opposed to the psychological plot). It was really vague, though,
and it doesn't create any real air of suspense, since the whole show
is about giant monsters attacking the earth. If something that needs
monitoring is going on, your readers will assume that it means a huge
angel will pop out of the ground in a chapter or so. This gives you a
chance to surprise your readers (what if the "situation" is that
there's a video camera in Ikari's office and his "affair" with Asuka
gets broadcast on television?), but it also means that having a scene
like this doesn't add anything if an angel *is* what you intend to
use. I'm also curious why Kouzou doesn't bother telling Ikari what was
going on at all. If it was important enough to try calling him at
night, surely it was important enough to mention first thing the next
morning.
Also, what about Shinji? Asuka says at the beginning "Stupid Shinji...
stupid father..." What does this mean? Is Asuka beginning to draw some
parallels between Shinji and his father? How does this affect her
relationship with Shinji? Is she being bitchier than usual? It might
be interesting to show how the changing dynamic between Asuka and
Gendo affects the dynamic between her and Shinji.
You might want to consider the effect on Rei, Gendo's surrogate
daughter. What does she think of all this? She's too exposed to the
essential Nerv staff not to know at least some of what's going on.
Finally, what happened to Ritsuko? She seems to have dropped off the
face of the world.
Notice, though, that almost all of these questions are asking for
more, not less. That's because this is a well-written fic with an
increasingly interesting central idea. Keep writing!
Sparky
*********
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