At 04:46 PM 5/8/00 -0400, Douglas MacDougall wrote:

Yay! Douglas has C&C'd my story!

> DISCLAIMER: Ranma and the other characters belonging Rumiko Takahashi
> are used without permission. The following chapter contains some
> graphic violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Ugh.  Really wished I'd read that graphic violence
bit more carefully.  You *did* warn me.  ^_^;

As one pre-reader pointed out, after watching Tonde Boorin, there is no such thing as too much graphic violence. ^_^

What's the deal with the burn marks?  Previously you said they
were too precisely arranged for "mere torture", suggesting the
burns are on her.  But now the burn marks make up a star, which
goes on the wall?

I'm going to have to do some more clarification. Each of the (Akuji's) murder scenes is a girl who's been bled to death, lying in a pool of her own blood, and an eight-pointed start has been burnt into the blood. Any suggestions on how to make this more succint?

>  The police photographer produced a baggie from one pocket.
> "This was found in a dumpster nearby. The picture on the student ID
> matches the subject. Hinako Ninomiya."

Should they be keeping evidence in their pockets?  I kinda figured
they'd collect the evidence into trays, or something.

It's in a baggie? No?

Hmm... I'll have to do some research. It would seem that unless they're trying to conceal the evidence, putting it in the pocket would be okay for short-term.

If there was some extra meaning here, I missed it.  Why are
high schools important?  Anyone with half a brain could figure
out that they're the ideal source for the type of victims they're
finding.

Hinako's not old enough to be a high-schooler in her child-state. They police are trying to figure out what's going on. Extraneous, I'll grant you. I'll see what the consensus is on wether or not I cut the line.

Which brings up another question.  Would Hinako have a Furinkan
ID?  That's the sort of things the *students* have (at least
when I was in high school...)  Presumably she'd have whatever
form of ID an adult carries in Japan.

Hmmm... Most schools I've attended have required all students and faculty to carry campus ID. One would assume that Hinako was incapable of getting a driver's licenese. The Campus ID may turn into a non-license ID. Texas has these, but I don't know if Japan does...

>  Akane fell to her knees, trying to rationalize the news. Miss
> Hinako couldn't be dead! She should have drained the...
>
>  Drained the raveners of all their...
>
>  Akane started to sob.

Again, I feel like I'm missing something.  Probably that
the raveners don't have a battle aura.  If so, it wouldn't
hurt to put a reminder, here.

Hmm... I'll have to check past chapters...  This is getting complex. ^_^;;

>  Nodoka sighed deeply as she watched the retreating girl. *Did
> we go too fast for her, I wonder?*

This sounds like Nodoka thinks Akane is dim.  ^_^;

Ayup. I'm trying to go for some characterization on Nodoka's part here.

>  "Nabiki and I will cover this point," Kasumi offered, pointing
> to the easternmost point on the map, "if you and Athia-san will cover
> this point, Aunty."
>
>  Athia nodded her agreement. "That seems prudent to me. What
> shall we do if this is not a simple ravener attack, however? What if
> this is the 'Ravener King' that assaulted Nabiki?"

/me raises his hand.

Yes? Douglas?

Isn't that a bad idea?

Yes! It's a horrible idea! Confidient novices wouldn't think so, though.

But both of the novices in one place,
and both of the experienced people in the other?  Huh?

What you should be asking is why is Nodoka allowing this? More characterization for Mrs. Saotome. Power and skill are not necessarily the same thing as wisdom.

Whatwhatwhat?  Put even *more* protection with the
group already best able to protect themselves?!?

NABIKI:  I think they're hanging us out to dry, Kasumi...

Kasumi: You think so?

Characterization is the hardest part of this story. I'm trying to portray Kasumi as confident in her own skills and Nabiki as hideously over confident.

punc:  I, too, will
(I think...)

This is getting really silly.  The newbie
party has even more ravener fodder.  ^_^;;;

Ryouga and Tofuu *are* skilled martial artists. Still, it's surprising that Nodoka would think that this is a good idea.

>  The day passed too rapidly for Ranma. Neither Akane nor Nabiki
> were in school, and both Ukyou and Shampoo were conspicuously absent
> as well. They weren't the only ones. There were dozens of girls
> missing. Ranma guessed that they had left the city or were being kept
> at home by their parents.

Or [cough cough] "protected" by their boyfriends.

^o^  Anyone wanna do a side lemon for some of the minor characters?

>  The nameless girl turned red in shame. "I cannot fight him."

RANMA:  Can't?  Or won't?

GIRL:  You don't understand.  He's my--

RANMA:  The next word out of your mouth better not be father.

GIRL:  Uh...  ^_^;;;

RANMA:  Why are there sweatdrops on the side of your head?

BWahahahahah!

>  The nameless girl tried to dodge around him, but Happosai
> darted back in front of her with the speed that only the master of
> the Musabetsu Kakotou Ryuu was capable of mustering.

I think any master of perversion could pull that off.  :j

Being a master of perversion almost requires one to be a master martial artist as well. Even Ataru becomes quite the defensive warrior...

> "Give me your bra, and I'll do what ever you want.

HAPPI-NATOR:  [robotic voice]  Give me
 your bra if you want to live.

"You have fifteen seconds to comply. Fifteen... Fourteen... Thirteen..."

"Here!" she said, popping the lace brassier out one sleve. "Take it!"

"Eleven... Ten... Nine..."

"AAAAAGGGHHH!!!"

>  Ranma leapt into the air above Akuji's head. "I'm Ranma
> Saotome," he shouted as a battle cry, "and I'm here to kick your
> ass!"

Too bad he's not the man with the plan...  [sigh]


Okay, things are slowly coming along.  I liked Ranma's little
glimpse at the girls talking.  I was less impressed with the
general intelligence level of the characters in this episode.

*Shakes head sadly* Man... I'm having a hard time balancing the story, and the way the characters are supposed to behave. There has to come a certain point where the characters act stupid because they *are* stupid, (at least in this tale...) I'm just having a hard time finding the right point.

I can't accept the composition of the vampire party.  Nodoka's
been pretty damned intelligent so far, so I'm amazed to see
her go along with the arrangement.

It's supposed to be jarring. I did intend it that way. What I didn't intend was to portray Nodoka (or Athia for that matter) as singularly intelligent. As a matter of fact, I thought I had done a decent job of showing that she tends to believe that since she is skilled and is (over)powered, she's always right, even when it alienates her son or disfigures her daughter-in-law. I can see that I'm going to have to sew some more support for this characterization.

There's a particular line I may have to add to in Ch. 20, when Kasumi says: *How could Aunty have been wrong?*

TBC next post

* * *

C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net

* * *
I get full-motion streaming video and sound, I listen to
radio and steal, steal uh, you know, my music through MP3,
like everybody else does. I write the laws that say it's
illegal, and I do it anyway.

            -Senator Bob Kerrey (D) Nebraska