----- Original Message -----
From: Jon the mockingbird <yaanathn@hotmail.com>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, May 06, 2000 4:51 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic] [Neon Genesis Evangelion] [version 02] Impact
Author's Note: while most everything that was written in the first
version
still exists, a few minor chances and add-ons were put in, as well a the
new
scenes, which lengthen the original draft by about fifty percent. So if
you
get bored reading the old stuff, skip down.
Initial comment: Formatting! Please!
Impact: a Piece of Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction
By Jonathan Wang
Prologue: Aftermath
"Thank you, all."
The reflection was as blankly expressed as Shinji Ikari himself was as
he
stared into the mirror. Its eyes were pallid and empty, as if any
flowing
life within them had dried out. Glancing lower into the reflexive
window,
Shinji noticed its mouth was but a single line, the lips devoid of
color.
Quickly, he smacked his own lips in an effort wrench out the dry desert
that
I think this was supposed to be 'in an effort TO wrench'. If this was
intentionally the way it is, then it's rather awkward.
was his throat. Throwing a broad look over at his expression overall,
he
tried his best to smile, but only to have it come out looking like an
obligatory smile, since indeed that is what it was.
You used 'smile' twice in the same sentence, which is minor, really, but
could be remedied with a simple:
He tried his best to smile, only to have it come out looking
obligatory, which indeed it was.
Or something. Then again, if it was worded the way it was to maintain the
rich, verbose style that you seem to be taking, then there's little that
can be done about it without making it lose its flavor.
Today should be a good day. And the world, Shinji reminded himself, was
not a bad place. The world was his world, and vice versa. Over and
over
the troubled young man ran this thought through his mind. Then, with the
thought firmly embedded in his mind Shinji put more effort into the task
at
hand - trying to fit into the formal suit Misato had bought him, the one
he
would where to the press meeting in less than two hours.
'wear'
I am no more or less than myself, Shinji thought to himself. It's worth
living here. His smile, though no more intense than before, was now
free,
and he received the same rush of joy in his body that he had felt
before. I
have a future.
Here's the main issue here, popping out ever so slightly. So many
wonderful themes and moods that could easily implied subtly through your
rich prose gets spelled out, regardless of your claims to be intentionally
confusing, open-ended, and misdirecting. This really clashes with the
airy, vague mood you seem to be trying to engineer, because after you take
your reader through a montage of images and sensations you stop them at
the intersection and tell them what all of it is supposed to mean, instead
of letting them decide for themselves.
But enough of that for now.
Moments later, he stepped out of Misato's bedroom and headed directly
for
the bathroom. It wasn't often that Shinji Ikari cried out of joy, but
tears
were tears, and he certainly could not present himself to the important
people he would meet with a stained face.
Interesting. I quite like this bit. I know it's a trivial detail, but you
build stories with those.
A short distance away was Asuka Soryu Langley, who had already finished
putting on her formal attire for the evening. Also staring at her own
mirror, she sat on the chair by her desk, her chin resting in the palm
of
her hands, her elbows on her knees, her being in an overall state of
musing.
I don't like this last bit, the 'her being in an overall state of musing'.
Let's dissect this.
I know you're trying for vague, but 'being' is just too vague. So is
'overall state of musing'. What, exactly, is an 'overall state of musing'?
How does it differ from your plain vanilla 'musing'? How evident,
outwardly, is a 'state of musing'? Unless you're going for the 'Shinji is
God he owns this reality therefore he KNOWS that Asuka's being is in an
overall state of musing' effect, this makes little sense in a third-person
viepoint story, and even then it can be conveyed more effectively. Unless
you meant to do it, in which case very little can be done about that,
either.
Unlike Misato's room, which would be lit so that Shinji, who had
probably
never worn anything other than a school uniform before, would have an
easier
time dressing up, Asuka's room was infested with shadows. She had left
it
this way as she had gotten ready for the upcoming assembly.
This is a case of 'syntactical showmanship'. I get the feeling that the
above sequence is convoluted on purpose; it gives me the 'look at this,
can you do this with the English language if you can't follow then it's
your fault' kind of Gore-Vidal-feeling. Not that that's wrong or anything.
:)
Oh, and 'infested' is a wonderful choice of word. It brings out dirty and
grimy connotations which mix quite well with the imagery of shadows.
With a calm grace, the child dropped her eyes to the floor, and focused
her
thinking upon the wired ring that had been carelessly dropped on the
floor.
It was her headset, and under the shadow of the desk, it had lost the
bright
red color that had once been a constant boast of its bearer's pride.
Asuka shut her eyes, and in the process let loose a few hanging tears.
Taking a deep breath, she stood up firmly, and stepped out the door
towards
the restroom. Left behind were the cracked remains of what had once
been of
the most valuable symbol she had ever owned.
In the middle the two Children met. Shinji had stepped out of the
washroom,
and Asuka could notice that half his face was stained with a red tint
which
contrasted the pale whiteness of the other half. The Third Child
immediately turned away before bringing his eyes around to meet the
Second's. It was another second before the two went their separate
ways.
Misato Katsuragi, on the other hand, had not only finished preparing
herself
for the upcoming meeting, but was also waiting at the dining table,
where
she watched the interaction of her charges take place.
"Shinji-kun," she called to the oncoming boy. He responded by altering
his
course slightly from aiming towards the couch to heading for the table.
"I just want to say two things," Misato began, smiling in what was most
likely the most motherly smile she had ever given. Shinji looked up
with
eyes that responded accordingly. "Although we've been over this whole
mess
with the ... Project, I just want to say again that I'm very proud of
you,
that I've never been more proud of you than I am tonight as you sit here
with me. Do you understand?"
Obedient silence. And then "A-arigato, Misato-san." Shinji found
himself
afraid that he would begin to cry again somehow. Misato's smile grew
slightly wider, and she reached over, holding the boy's cheeks in her
hands.
"I've gotten the joy of watching you grow, Shinji-kun."
Dead silence reigned.
Finally, "Oh, and second: if a babe comes up to you tonight with a
smile,
you'd better smile back, or I'll see to it that you regret it." Shinji
blinked. Misato grinned.
Slightly flustered, Shinji began to smile (albeit sheepishly) as well.
...
They sit on the plane (if you can call a floating fortress a mere plane)
in
calm and light spirits. That is, at least, how things seem.
Asuka Langley sits at a window seat, her chin resting on a hand while
her
eyes stare blankly (or dreamily?) out the window. She is certainly
ready to
head back where she came from - a place where only she herself brought
out
her troubles in life. In other words, Asuka Langley promised, it would
be
the perfect place to start over.
Behind the Second Child rests Misato, and next to her rests a half-empty
cup of alcohol, and next to that rest two bottles of wine. The major is
completely depressed now, and she inwardly feared that whenever she saw
anything that would remind her of the man named Ryoji Kaji (this place
being
one of those things), she would do this to herself.
"Shit," she whispered, "damn you." And with that, Misato Katsuragi fell
deeper into her stupor into an uneasy slumber.
Shinji stood in the onboard restroom. His arms forcing his weight up
against the sink, he stared into the mirror. For some reason, funny
thoughts had been entering his head for the duration of this entire
flight
thus far. One of these thoughts was of the First Child, dressed more
elegantly than himself (Shinji's "formal" attire could be defined as
anything remotely more stylish than his routine school uniform), and
somehow
displaying more life within by appearance alone than he himself might
muster
through any action. Another funny thought would be how he would
apologize
to her for his previous aloof behavior while she stood there without
expression, his words empty and meaningless to her understanding.
The only comforting thought in the midst of this haze of worry and doubt
was the hope that Rei would have come out of ... "complementation" more
balanced as everyone else had. This last thought, presenting itself
more
humorous than the rest, finally set Shinji in a fit of gusts of
laughter.
A moment later Shinji Ikari exited the bathroom and took his seat, but
realized his wandering had solved nothing. Secretly, Shinji was flushed
with relief when Misato had told him that Ayanami Rei had already landed
in
America with the commander.
At least the clouds below were beautiful as they shone a blue and violet
tinge upon the white body. Before closing his eyes and becoming drowsy,
Shinji whispered under his breath, "Just like me."
It was early afternoon when from the great aircraft three VTOL craft
detached themselves and descended towards a great fleet of naval craft.
...
A luxury cruise ship. Not one member of the dropping party had ever
been on
one before.
Shinji spent the four hours of free time he had wandering throughout the
ship, simply for lack of anything better to do. Finally, after nearly
an
hour and a half of straddling aimlessly, he had stopped his desultory
wandering and now stood firmly.
Realizing that he was in the dining room of the Margo, Shinji decided to
take a window seat and sat down. Watching the scintillating blue waves
outside sift by, Shinji realized the ship's droning rhythm of bobbing up
and
down. This, coupled with the fact that Shinji had slept the least of
the
Katsuragi household, led Shinji deeper and deeper into a peaceful
slumber.
That is, it would have been a peaceful slumber, if not for a single,
soft,
calm, but ultimately cutting sound.
"Ikari-kun."
"Commander."
The nondescript room, Major Katsuragi saw, contained the most important
people this world had probably ever known in it. It was a simple small
cabin, but somehow standing comfortably were the commander of NERV, the
sub-commander of NERV, the head scientist of NERV ... as for everyone
else,
Misato did not recognize, but the four of them had to be important, she
knew.
Commander Gendo Ikari turned from the cabin window, put his hands behind
his back, and fittingly, the major saw, the light from outside the
window
hid her superior's eyes neatly. Wearing a simple expression of calm and
seriousness, he waited.
"Reporting as ordered, sir," Misato finished, standing a bit taller than
before. Ritsuko Akagi, the aforementioned scientist, noted the slight
shift
in the major's stance with the raising of her eyebrows.
"Major Katsuragi," Gendo began, "here are the leaders of both America
and
Germany and their wives. They would like to personally thank you for
your
excellent performance." That said, the dark man stepped aside, though
it
almost seemed as if he had not moved at all.
"Major," the American one began, "You know by now that the organization
NERV will be disbanded." The received reply was a blink by the
beautiful
woman before him. "What I am here to do, then, aside from giving you
praise
and gratitude, is to offer you a position in the American forces."
The tone with which the tall and aging man spoke was one of respect,
fatherly appeal, and most importantly, fluent English. Misato blinked a
few
more times before she began to grin in embarrassment. "Ah..."
"The president of the United States would like to thank you for your
performance and offer you a position in the American army," Ritsuko
translated. Misato visibly calmed down and thought to herself.
It may have been a step up from the career-wise perspective, but now
Misato
realized that accepting this offer would mean too many things.
Misato spoke in a soft and almost sorrowful voice. There was no
mistaking
the seriousness in her speech, however. "Please tell him that ... that
...
I have two children to take care of, that I can't speak English very
well,
that ... and that I must decline."
Strangely, enough, Ritsuko did nothing other than chuckle with her mouth
in
her hand.
"Katsuragi-ichi," The president said in stumbling Japanese, "It only
took
me a little over a year to learn your language, and I find it a
beautiful
one. Now, if someone twenty-five years older than you yourself can
learn a
language, then I'm sure you can learn mine. I think you will also find
my
language a beautiful one, too."
Misato listened and watched as this balding man struggled to get his
ideas
across as both he and his wife smiled. She found that she was either
beginning to like and admire this man or become annoyed and get the
feeling
that he was mocking her. Still, Misato had to smile at his effort.
"Sir," Misato finally stated," I will think about your offer."
Bowing slightly and stepping aside, Misato spoke to the German leader.
The
conversation was a familiar one, since the two of them were familiar
people.
When Misato exited the cabin a few hours later, she was accompanied by
the
rest of the cabin's occupants.
Now if only the leader of the organization that she currently worked for
was this amicable.
"Ayanami ... Rei..." Shinji managed to stumble out to himself.
The thoughts were returning to him. This was Ayanami Rei, who was not a
real person, who he did not know as he had the clone - a mere clone -
before
the one standing in front of him now. He hated her because she was not
the
same person who had saved his life, whose life he had saved. She was
living
proof that any relative feeling he had to the identity - no, entity -
Ayanami Rei was false and void of reason. She was ... not human, and
she -
it - was wrong.
She was, Shinji finally noted in surprise, wearing her school clothes,
plain, and somehow fitting. In the midst of this curious state, bolted
away
from his previous thoughts of anger towards the being before him, he
remembered what he had established before after many an hour of thought.
He
needed to apologize to her.
...
"I think," Ayanami Rei stated flatly, "I am the third."
Somewhere in that statement, Shinji Ikari realized that this was not
Rei,
the pale girl who had begun to note him and other people with
acknowledgement of their existence and actions.
Ayanami Rei was dead, he had decided an evening later, and when he and
Misato left Ritsuko at her apartment that night, he believed that
whatever
the Ayanami was that he saw before was a mockery, and that somehow, it
mocked him personally.
...
Quickly shutting his eyes tightly, he gathered his thoughts. No, he
could
not say what he had to with his eyes turned away. He had to face the
thing
-- Rei -- that stood before him now and firmly take a stand, any stand.
"I am sorry," Rei III said.
...
I want to forget, thought Asuka. Please, just let me forget. She sat
in
the library, her face buried in her arms, resting on a desk in still
motion.
The myriad of people walking through this large three story storage
room
of text probably believed she was sleeping. Those who did not told
themselves she was, and then moved on.
"What about EVA?"
Can't I just leave it behind? Please, let me forget. Please.
"So, you are just like him."
Like him? Shinji? No, I am not.
"You are not?"
I am not weak like he is. I am not a coward.
"But he conquered EVA." At this, the red-haired girl at the wooden desk
tightened her fists until they shook violently. "No, you are not like
him
at all."
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up...
"He is happier than you are."
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up..." Her breathing became heavier. The
shaking had not increased, but she began to tremble within rapidly.
Asuka
found that she was beginning to perspire with frustration.
"Live on."
And at that, she stopped. Asuka looked up and around. No one gave her
any
heed. The library had remained in its silent reverie.
Standing up suddenly, she strode over to the exit and left the place.
Her
watch began to beep, alarming her of the time for dinner. Her breathing
back to its normal rate, she quickly straightened her dress and changed
the
direction of her stride towards the dining area.
Misato sat sternly in her seat, eager to hear of future plans for the
Evangelions, NERV, and, most importantly, the Children. Shinji sat
calmly
beside her, and the side effect of that was that he made his superior
officer look less professional than he himself appeared. Asuka lay back
in
her seat almost nonchalantly, and glanced with a lazy eye in the general
direction of the current speaker, who at this time happened to be the
old
bastard Commander Ikari at the moment. Ayanami Rei sat on the left of
Misato, sitting as she would have were she at attention in a classroom.
They were off to the side of the podium, and in front of them was an
immediate trio of intimidating NERV security agents placed there
specifically to discourage too many photos to be taken of the most
important
children in the world. It wasn't working.
Eventually, the commander's interrogation had ended, and he took his
seat
between Rei and Doctor Ritsuko Akagi.
Strange, Misato thought. He looks like he's tired of this presentation,
too. She resumed her attention towards the podium when the president of
the
United States took his turn to speak.
When the speeches and questions ended an hour or so later, everyone
stood,
gave their applause, and went about the reception in a perfunctory
manner.
None of the NERV officers or employees stayed.
Gendo Ikari stood tall, facing who were currently the two most important
women in his existence. Ritsuko Akagi wore a condescending smile as she
leaned against one side of her weight, her arms crossed in a bored
fashion.
It would not take many guesses to figure out what two things he could
possibly want to discuss right now. Ayanami Rei, still in her school
uniform, stood motionlessly, waiting.
"Doctor Akagi, he began.
Ah, so he was going to lock her up again, was he? He had referred to
her
be professional rank, rather than be personal name. Perhaps he would
have
her executed, given all the truths she retained in her memory?
"I am leaving Tokyo-3 as soon as my business here has been taken care
of."
Ritsuko was visibly confused. Ayanami Rei remained expressionless.
...
Few words were exchanged between Misato, Asuka, and Shinji during the
trip
back to Tokyo-3. That is not to say, however, that no words were
exchanged
at all.
Misato unlocked the door to her car in a half-conscious manner. The
garage
was nearly devoid of people, and thus a hushed silence emerged when
Misato
looked up to see Asuka keeping a distance from the vehicle, looking
slowly
about. She kept her hands clasped together in front of her with feeble
strength. Perhaps she was tired from the meeting.
"What's wrong?" Misato asked, blinking.
Asuka did not answer for a second. She then brought her eyes to meet
Misato's in a manner that would scare her had she been looking into a
mirror. "Where is Shinji?"
Her expression was that of Ayanami Rei's, of Wondergirl's, of a doll's.
The spoken of girl slowed her stride to a stop before she glanced over
her
shoulder. The person she had heard running towards her was the Third
Child.
He stopped a mild distance from her, and neither of them made any
action
for a moment while the two of them stood beside either end of a
streetlight's glow on the sidewalk.
"Well..." Shinji began, "is it okay if I walk with you?" He brought his
eyes to meet hers briefly as he finished his sentence.
She answered when she was sure he had finished his question. "Why."
This time, he returned her gaze equally, though he found himself falling
forward with the effort. "I want to talk to you." She did not answer,
and
the silence threatened to drive Shinji mad to the point he was afraid he
would fall over from the pressure of the situation. Therefore, he
walked up
in a robotic and forced motion to her side.
At this propinquity, the third Ayanami Rei's stare felt stronger.
Stuttering, Shinji faced forward quickly. "L-let's go."
And they walked.
...
A figure walked in the open field. At the horizon one would notice a
pond -
no, a lake. It was a peaceful lake, calm, and unmoving (perhaps it
really
was a pond after all?). It stalked about the tall grasses until a
bridge
was reached. Standing still, it gazed over the lake. People passing by
would give curious glances, and notice a case of some sort was being
held.
But it, the figure, looked so forlorn that out of respect no one would
stare
too long before they moved on. A bird flew overhead, chirping away, the
call ringing out a dream-like stupor about the place.
Author's note: Yes, the pace has been decided to become slower, and thus
I
decided to leave things open-ended here in the prologue. Note: Tom
Clancy
still has a great influence over the plot of the story, but as to
specific
actions, I'm leaning towards trying to introduce as few new characters
as
possible, although it looks as if at least one may have to be
implemented.
However, I'm convinced that with a little thinking, I can side step that
pit
and bring the story about even smoother.
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