Hi Yaanathn,
Behold my mighty detailed C&C! Cower in wonder at my vast pomposity!
For lo, I am an ass!
The reflection was as blankly expressed as Shinji Ikari himself
was as he stared into the mirror.
Reword this sentence. I'm not sure what you mean by it. Perhaps you
should say, "The reflection in the mirror's surface wore an expression
as blank as that of Shinji Ikari himself."
On another note, I'd like to say for the record that I prefer Japanese
name order.
Its eyes were pallid and empty, as if any flowing life within
them had dried out. Glancing lower into the reflexive window,
I think you mean "reflective window." I believe if it were reflexive
Shinji would actually be looking at himself, and not just an image.
Shinji noticed its mouth was but a single line, the lips devoid
of color. Quickly, he smacked his own lips in an effort wrench
"to wrench out"--again, I'm not sure what you mean by this. Perhaps
you should say "in an effort to moisten the dry desert..."
out the dry desert that was his throat. Throwing a broad look
over at his expression overall, he tried his best to smile, but
only to have it come out looking like an obligatory smile,
since indeed that is what it was.
Two comments. First, you don't need the "but". Second, this sentence
feels like a run-on. You should break it up. Also, you might want to
rethink using "since". Did the smile look obligatory *because* it was
so, or did it look that way just as coincidence?
Today should be a good day. And the world, Shinji reminded
himself, was not a bad place. The world was his world, and
vice versa. Over and over the troubled young man ran this
thought through his mind. Then, with the thought firmly
embedded in his mind Shinji put more effort into the task at
hand -
Word Choice--change the second "mind" to something different.
trying to fit into the formal suit Misato had bought him, the
one he would where to the press meeting in less than two hours.
"wear"
I am no more or less than myself, Shinji thought to himself.
It's worth living here.
You need to do something to demarcate thoughts. I usually place an
underscore where double quotes would go. Others use single quotes or
slashes. At any rate, do something, or this will get confusing.
His smile, though no more intense than before, was now free,
and he received the same rush of joy in his body that he had
felt before. I have a future.
I'm not sure what you mean by the smile's being intense. Certainly an
obligatory smile isn't. Also, to what "before" are you referring? This
is a little unclear and difficult to understand.
Moments later, he stepped out of Misato's bedroom and headed
directly for the bathroom. It wasn't often that Shinji Ikari
cried out of joy, but tears were tears, and he certainly could
not present himself to the important people he would meet with
a stained face.
Tell me again why he's in Misato's room and not his own? Is it just
for the mirror?
A short distance away was Asuka Soryu Langley, who had already
finished putting on her formal attire for the evening. Also
staring at her own mirror, she sat on the chair by her desk,
her chin resting in the palm of her hands, her elbows on her
knees, her being in an overall state of musing.
I'd change this to a more active passage. Perhaps, "A short distance
away, Asuka Soryu Langley stared into her own mirror. She had already
dressed for the evening, and now sat musing in the chair by her desk,
her chin cupped in the palm of her hand."
Unlike Misato's room, which would be lit so that Shinji, who
had probably never worn anything other than a school uniform
before, would have an easier time dressing up, Asuka's room was
infested with shadows. She had left it this way as she had
gotten ready for the upcoming assembly.
I like the "infested with shadows" image. It gives a sense of
unwholesomeness to the scene.
With a calm grace, the child dropped her eyes to the floor, and
focused her thinking upon the wired ring that had been
carelessly dropped on the floor.
OK, first of all, you use "dropped" twice. I'd use a more forceful
word for the second, perhaps "thrown". Second, think about the image
you've created here: Asuka drops her *eyes* to the floor. Seems odd,
no? Perhaps she is dropping her gaze. Can this be done with calm
grace? Calm , perhaps, but I can't think of how rotating one's
eyeballs can be particularly graceful.
It was her headset, and under the shadow of the desk, it had
lost the bright red color that had once been a constant boast
of its bearer's pride.
Excellent. Leave out the desk, though. Instead, draw the reader back
to your earlier image of the shadow-infested room. That's dark enough.
Asuka shut her eyes, and in the process let loose a few hanging
tears. Taking a deep breath, she stood up firmly, and stepped
out the door towards the restroom. Left behind were the cracked
remains of what had once been of the most valuable symbol she
had ever owned.
"the crakced remains of what once had been her most prized
possession." Try not to refer to anything as a symbol, mainly because
calling anything a symbol almost instantaneously ruins its symbolism.
Use a light touch.
In the middle the two Children met.
Middle of what?
Shinji had stepped out of the washroom, and Asuka could notice
that half his face was stained with a red tint which contrasted
the pale whiteness of the other half.
This is a strange image. I keep seeing a Shinji with a half-red,
half-white face. Perhaps you should just say that his eyes seem a
little red. Also, a reader could take this as meaning that, say, the
right half of his face was red and the left half was pale.
The Third Child immediately turned away before bringing his
eyes around to meet the Second's. It was another second before
the two went their separate ways.
Again with the eyes. Their eyeballs aren't meeting, are they?
Misato Katsuragi, on the other hand, had not only finished
preparing herself for the upcoming meeting, but was also
waiting at the dining table, where she watched the interaction
of her charges take place.
Your "not only... but also..." clauses aren't linked enough to feel
like they belong in the same sentence. Also, "on the other hand"
doesn't seem like it fits. Try, "Misato Katsuragi, who had already
prepared herself for the upcoming meeting, observed the interaction of
her charges from the dining table."
"I just want to say two things," Misato began, smiling in what
was most likely the most motherly smile she had ever given.
Shinji looked up with eyes that responded accordingly.
"Although we've been over this whole mess with the... Project,
I just want to say again that I'm very proud of you, that I've
never been more proud of you than I am tonight as you sit here
with me. Do you understand?"
You need to change this. If you use "began", you really should have
the whole quote in one sentence, or very close. I would probably
rearrange it so that the physical interaction takes place in the first
sentence. I'd also make it clear what you mean by "eyes that responded
accordingly."
Obedient silence. And then "A-arigato, Misato-san." Shinji
found himself afraid that he would begin to cry again somehow.
Word Choice--try not to use "somehow". It's vague, and the sentence
above is no worse without it.
Misato's smile grew slightly wider, and she reached over,
holding the boy's cheeks in her hands. "I've gotten the joy of
watching you grow, Shinji-kun."
Ooh, Auntie Misato, don't squeeze my cheeks! ;)
Dead silence reigned.
Is the silence dead, or is it wholesome? Apply this question to the
"obedient silence" above. I have a feeling you're trying to describe a
warm silence, a tender gaze. If it's positive, use positive words to
describe it.
They sit on the plane (if you can call a floating fortress a
mere plane) in calm and light spirits. That is, at least, how
things seem.
Notice how you've changed tenses here. The previous section was in
past tense, and this is in present. There can be good reasons for
this. Perhaps the previous section was a flashback or a memory.
However, I think you're going for a linear story, so you need to make
sure it's all in one tense.
Also, I'd use flying and not floating. Ships float, planes fly.
Asuka Langley sits at a window seat, her chin resting on a hand
while her eyes stare blankly (or dreamily?) out the window.
Don't do this. You've given the reader enough viewpoint to know
whether her stare is blank or dreamy. If you do a contradictory
juxtaposition, make it a true oxymoron: "...eyes stare blankly,
dreamily out the window."
She is certainly ready to head back where she came from - a
place where only she herself brought out her troubles in life.
In other words, Asuka Langley promised, it would be the perfect
place to start over.
Too vague. Just what are you talking about? Does this need to be here?
Can it be discussed differently? You can be mysterious without being
vague, but I don't feel that you're aiming for mystery here. Where
does she want to be?
Behind the Second Child rests Misato, and next to her rests a
half-empty cup of alcohol, and next to that rest two bottles of
wine. The major is completely depressed now, and she inwardly
feared that whenever she saw anything that would remind her of
the man named Ryoji Kaji (this place being one of those
things), she would do this to herself.
How does the plane remind her of Kaji? Show with a flashback. This
seems a little over the top, though. Does Misato get drunk when on the
streets of Tokyo-3, in the halls of NERV, and in her apartment? All of
these places would remind her of him. Actually, I wouldn't have the
major drink at all (see notes below). She can nap on a plane without
being wasted.
"Shit," she whispered, "damn you." And with that, Misato
Katsuragi fell deeper into her stupor into an uneasy slumber.
Word Choice--I would change "into... into..." to "fell from her stupor
into an uneasy slumber." Also notice that you're back in past tense
again.
Shinji stood in the onboard restroom. His arms forcing his
weight up against the sink, he stared into the mirror.
I would move the middle clause here to the first sentence. "Shinji
stood in the onboard restroom, his arms bearing his weight against the
metal sink. He stared deep into the mirror, trying to clear his head."
For some reason, funny thoughts had been entering his head for
the duration of this entire flight thus far.
Too wordy. "Strange thoughts had coursed through his head from the
moment he stepped on the plane." does just as well, without
unneccessary and uninformative clauses.
One of these thoughts was of the First Child, dressed more
elegantly than himself (Shinji's "formal" attire could be
defined as anything remotely more stylish than his routine
school uniform), and somehow displaying more life within by
appearance alone than he himself might muster through any
action.
Is this a thought, or a vision? Also, the parenthetical clause is
really long and unneccessary, since you essentially covered it in the
first part of the story. Also, you're using inactive verbs a lot. Try
to avoid them; they make a story feel limp.
Another funny thought would be how he would apologize to her
for his previous aloof behavior while she stood there without
expression, his words empty and meaningless to her
understanding.
"would be"? Does that mean he actually hasn't had this thought. I
think you mean that he has had this thought--therefore say "was".
The only comforting thought in the midst of this haze of worry
and doubt was the hope that Rei would have come out of ...
"complementation" more balanced as everyone else had. This
last thought, presenting itself more humorous than the rest,
finally set Shinji in a fit of gusts of laughter.
"humourously" or "as more humorous". You can't modify a verb with an
adjective. Also, "finally sent Shinji into a fit of gusting laughter"
might work better than what you've got.
A moment later Shinji Ikari exited the bathroom and took his
seat, but realized his wandering had solved nothing.
Was he wandering, or was he just standing in a bathroom?
Secretly, Shinji was flushed with relief when Misato had told
him that Ayanami Rei had already landed in America with the
commander.
Flushing is hardly secret. When a person is flushed with an emotion,
it generally means that they're expressing that emotion clearly. Use
another word. Also, don't use Ayanami Rei here--you've already used
her common name earlier.
At least the clouds below were beautiful as they shone a blue
and violet tinge upon the white body.
This is awkward. Do you need the white body?
Before closing his eyes and becoming drowsy, Shinji whispered
under his breath, "Just like me."
What's just like him? What are you talking about? You need a referent
for this clause, at least a more clear one.
It was early afternoon when from the great aircraft three VTOL
craft detached themselves and descended towards a great fleet
of naval craft.
Too many craft. Aslo, I thought that Shinji dressed only a few hours
before this meeting. Seems you've already gone quite a while.
A luxury cruise ship. Not one member of the dropping party had
ever been on one before.
And I doubt they would, in a naval fleet. Certainly, they wouldn't
have a luxury cruise ship on which VTOLs would land. Unless it's an
aircraft carrier, but those are hardly luxurious. A VTOL still needs a
fairly large landing area. Rethink your location.
Shinji spent the four hours of free time he had wandering
throughout the ship, simply for lack of anything better to do.
Again, you're putting a lot of time between the first part and this
part...
Finally, after nearly an hour and a half of straddling
aimlessly, he had stopped his desultory wandering and now stood
firmly.
"Straddling" definitely doesn't mean what you think it means. Also,
don't use "desultory" and other words people aren't likely to know
unless you have a really good reason.
Realizing that he was in the dining room of the Margo,
I assume the Margo is the ship. You might wish to insert a descriptive
passage where you let the reader know this and tell him something
about the ship. That will improve the texture of these sections.
Shinji decided to take a window seat and sat down.
Redundant. Leave off "and sat down." Also, there aren't exactly
"window seats" in the dining rooms of luxury boats. They're not
arranged like trains or airplanes. Say "seat near a window" to make
this clearer.
Watching the scintillating blue waves outside sift by, Shinji
realized the ship's droning rhythm of bobbing up and down.
This, coupled with the fact that Shinji had slept the least of
the Katsuragi household, led Shinji deeper and deeper into a
peaceful slumber.
Hm. Waves don't really sift, do they? And Shinji wouldn't "realize" a
rhythm, he would feel it. Also, luxury cruise liners don't really bob
up and down so that you can feel it--they're designed specifically so
that you don't, in fact.
The nondescript room, Major Katsuragi saw, contained the most
important people this world had probably ever known in it. It
was a simple small cabin, but somehow standing comfortably were
the commander of NERV, the sub-commander of NERV, the head
scientist of NERV ... as for everyone else, Misato did not
recognize, but the four of them had to be important, she knew.
Hehe... you've never seen a small cabin on a luxury cruiser. Also, why
would they be in a small cabin? Is there some particular reason, or
did they just feel like imitating a clown car for the day. Presidents
and heads of state like big rooms. There's no reason (in this case)
for them not to meet in one.
Commander Gendo Ikari turned from the cabin window, put his
hands behind his back, and fittingly, the major saw, the light
from outside the window hid her superior's eyes neatly.
Wearing a simple expression of calm and seriousness, he waited.
"Wearing a calm, serious expression, he waited."
"Reporting as ordered, sir," Misato finished, standing a bit
taller than before.
Taller, straighter, or more rigidly? Does the shift in posture reflect
respect or dislike? She also doesn't seem very drunk here. Are you
sure she got wasted on the plane?
Ritsuko Akagi, the aforementioned scientist, noted the slight
shift in the major's stance with the raising of her eyebrows.
"Major Katsuragi," Gendo began, "here are the leaders of both
America and Germany and their wives. They would like to
personally thank you for your excellent performance." That
said, the dark man stepped aside, though it almost seemed as if
he had not moved at all.
Why Germany? Why not Japan? Or, if you're going for truly powerful
presidents, why not China and Russia? Does the German president need
to be there? What about United Europe? A world disaster might be
enough to break the endemic European nationalism and make UE a
reality...
"Major," the American one began, "You know by now that the
organization NERV will be disbanded." The received reply was a
blink by the beautiful woman before him. "What I am here to
do, then, aside from giving you praise and gratitude, is to
offer you a position in the American forces."
Notice that you've shifted viewpoint. The earlier segments were
limited omniscient kind of from Misato's view, and now you've moved
around to the President's. Try and hold to one position, so as not to
disorient the reader. Also, "ther received reply was" is awkward.
"That beautiful woman only blinked in reply."
The tone with which the tall and aging man spoke was one of
respect, fatherly appeal, and most importantly, fluent English.
Back to Misato's viewpoint?
Misato blinked a few more times before she began to grin in
embarrassment. "Ah..."
"The president of the United States would like to thank you for
your performance and offer you a position in the American
army," Ritsuko translated.
This really isn't a very realistic offer, if you think about it. Sure,
we're not through with the part, but why wouldn't the JSSDF get an
automatic claim?
Misato visibly calmed down and thought to herself.
It may have been a step up from the career-wise perspective,
but now Misato realized that accepting this offer would mean
too many things. Misato spoke in a soft and almost sorrowful
voice. There was no mistaking the seriousness in her speech,
however. "Please tell him that ... that ... I have two
children to take care of, that I can't speak English very well,
that ... and that I must decline."
So Misato has custody of Asuka and Shinji? Does this have an impact on
Asuka's thoughts in the plane earlier? Why is Misato speaking in a
sorrowful voice? What does this position mean to her?
"Katsuragi-ichi," The president said in stumbling Japanese, "It
only took me a little over a year to learn your language, and I
find it a beautiful one. Now, if someone twenty-five years
older than you yourself can learn a language, then I'm sure
you can learn mine. I think you will also find my language a
beautiful one, too."
Why didn't the President make his original offer in Japanese, then?
Additionally, the "also... too" in the President's last sentence is
redundant. Also, what has the President said to counter Misato's
worries about the children? Finally, "President," when used to refer
to a specific officer of a republic, is always capitalized.
Misato listened and watched as this balding man struggled to
get his ideas across as both he and his wife smiled. She found
that she was either beginning to like and admire this man or
become annoyed and get the feeling that he was mocking her.
Still, Misato had to smile at his effort.
Um, Misato either knows or is confused. Say it that way. This isn't a
choose your own adventure. Perhaps say, "Misato found herself torn
between admiring the man and becoming annoyed at his possibly mocking
words.
Bowing slightly and stepping aside, Misato spoke to the German
leader. The conversation was a familiar one, since the two of
them were familiar people.
What? Earlier, you indicated that she didn't know the German!
When Misato exited the cabin a few hours later, she was
accompanied by the rest of the cabin's occupants.
The conversation took hours? What was everyone else doing?
"Ayanami ... Rei..." Shinji managed to stumble out to himself.
The thoughts were returning to him. This was Ayanami Rei, who
was not a real person, who he did not know as he had the clone
- a mere clone - before the one standing in front of him now.
He hated her because she was not the same person who had saved
his life, whose life he had saved. She was living proof that
any relative feeling he had to the identity - no, entity -
Ayanami Rei was false and void of reason. She was ... not
human, and she - it - was wrong.
You need to totally rewrite this. I can't get any sense of what you're
trying to convey.
She was, Shinji finally noted in surprise, wearing her school
clothes, plain, and somehow fitting. In the midst of this
curious state, bolted away from his previous thoughts of anger
towards the being before him, he remembered what he had
established before after many an hour of thought. He needed to >
apologize to her.
For what? Doesn't he hate her? Didn't you say that?
Is the flashback necessary? Is that why he needs to apologize?
"I am sorry," Rei III said.
Oy.
I want to forget, thought Asuka. Please, just let me forget.
She sat in the library, her face buried in her arms, resting on
a desk in still motion. The myriad of people walking through
this large three story storage room of text probably believed
she was sleeping. Those who did not told themselves she was,
and then moved on.
A three story library in a boat? I can't find a three-story library in
some cities! This seems a bit excessive.
In the self-conversation you need something to separate thoughts and
hallucinations from real sound, dialogue, and description.
Standing up suddenly, she strode over to the exit and left the
place. Her watch began to beep, alarming her of the time for
dinner. Her breathing back to its normal rate, she quickly
straightened her dress and changed the direction of her stride
towards the dining area.
"changed the direction of her stride"-->"changed course"
Misato sat sternly in her seat, eager to hear of future plans
for the Evangelions, NERV, and, most importantly, the Children.
How does one sit sternly? Is she tense?
Shinji sat calmly beside her, and the side effect of that was
that he made his superior officer look less professional than
he himself appeared.
And what about the weirdness with Rei? Is he just fine now?
Asuka lay back in her seat almost nonchalantly, and glanced
with a lazy eye in the general direction of the current
speaker, who at this time happened to be the old bastard
Commander Ikari at the moment.
"at this time... at the moment" is redundant. Also, is "old bastard"
the author's description or Asuka's thought? Are we seeing this scene
from inside Asuka's head?
Ayanami Rei sat on the left of Misato, sitting as she would
have were she at attention in a classroom.
"Ayanami Rei sat to Misato's left, looking just as she would have if
she were at attention in a classroom."
They were off to the side of the podium, and in front of them
was an immediate trio of intimidating NERV security agents
placed there specifically to discourage too many photos to be
taken of the most important children in the world. It wasn't
working.
What do you mean by "an immediate trio". Do you mean that the trio was
immediately in front of them? Also, that sentence seems really long
When the speeches and questions ended an hour or so later,
everyone stood, gave their applause, and went about the
reception in a perfunctory manner. None of the NERV officers or
employees stayed.
What are all these speeches and questions about? You've been building
to this event since the beginning of the story. Perhaps you should say
something about it.
Gendo Ikari stood tall, facing who were currently the two most
important women in his existence.
In his existence, or in his life?
Ritsuko Akagi wore a condescending smile as she leaned against
one side of her weight, her arms crossed in a bored fashion.
This is really awkward.
It would not take many guesses to figure out what two things he
could possibly want to discuss right now. Ayanami Rei, still
in her school uniform, stood motionlessly, waiting.
"Doctor Akagi, he began.
Ah, so he was going to lock her up again, was he? He had
referred to her be professional rank, rather than be personal
name. Perhaps he would have her executed, given all the truths
she retained in her memory?
"her be professional rank"? "all the truths she retained in her
memory" is awkward.
"I am leaving Tokyo-3 as soon as my business here has been
taken care of." Ritsuko was visibly confused. Ayanami Rei
remained expressionless.
A moment ago, you were inside Ritsuko's head. Why are you outside of
it now?
Few words were exchanged between Misato, Asuka, and Shinji
during the trip back to Tokyo-3. That is not to say, however,
that no words were exchanged at all.
Was it important to say this? Does it mean anything?
Misato unlocked the door to her car in a half-conscious manner.
The garage was nearly devoid of people, and thus a hushed
silence emerged when Misato looked up to see Asuka keeping a
distance from the vehicle, looking slowly about. She kept her
hands clasped together in front of her with feeble strength.
Perhaps she was tired from the meeting.
Whose thought is this?
"What's wrong?" Misato asked, blinking.
Asuka did not answer for a second. She then brought her eyes
to meet Misato's in a manner that would scare her had she been
looking into a mirror. "Where is Shinji?"
Her expression was that of Ayanami Rei's, of Wondergirl's, of a
doll's.
Who is thinking this? Are you, the author? Do you think of Rei as
"Wondergirl" or a doll? Is this Asuka's thought? How can it be?
The spoken of girl slowed her stride to a stop before she
glanced over her shoulder. The person she had heard running
towards her was the Third Child.
When was Rei spoken of? You mention her before, but it's not even
clear if that's someone's thought. It's clearly not anything that was
said.
He stopped a mild distance from her, and neither of them made
any action for a moment while the two of them stood beside
either end of a streetlight's glow on the sidewalk.
A streetlight usually casts a circular glow. They could stand on
either side but not on either end. Also, you're too wordy here.
"neither of them moved for a moment" is much more efficient and
expressive than "neither of them made any action".
"Well..." Shinji began, "is it okay if I walk with you?" He
brought his eyes to meet hers briefly as he finished his
sentence.
She answered when she was sure he had finished his question.
"Why."
Is that a question? Does it deserve the right punctuation? If not,
describe how a normally interrogative word comes out sounding like a
statement.
At this propinquity, the third Ayanami Rei's stare felt
stronger. Stuttering, Shinji faced forward quickly. "L-let's
go."
Word choice again. Don't use words that confuse people just because
you can.
And they walked.
So she just agreed? She seemed a little reluctant to me.
A figure walked in the open field. At the horizon one would
notice a pond - no, a lake. It was a peaceful lake, calm, and
unmoving (perhaps it really was a pond after all?).
Again with the contradictory parenthetical. Boot it. Boot describing
the lake, too, unless there's a point.
It stalked about the tall grasses until a bridge was reached.
Was just any bridge reached by anybody, or did the figure reach a
bridge? Don't use passive voice unless you can't avoid it.
Standing still, it gazed over the lake. People passing by
would give curious glances, and notice a case of some sort was
being held.
Would they give them, or did they give them? Also, the phrase about
the case is unclear. Is the figure deliberating? Say that.
But it, the figure, looked so forlorn that out of respect
STOP! Describe the damned figure. At this point, I don't even know
whether you're talking about a person or a cute little puppy with big
brown eyes. If you're not willing to describe the figure, then ask
yourself why you included this scene.
no one would stare too long before they moved on.
Pronoun-antecedent agreement--"one" is singular, "they" is plural.
A bird flew overhead, chirping away, the call ringing out a
dream-like stupor about the place.
What does this mean?
Overall, this seems like an interesting story, and I like the way it's
going, but you must work on word choice and grammar. Keep on working
at it!
Sparky
*********
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."--Isaac Asimov
For Evangelion fanfiction and links visit Heaven's Gate
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