----- Original Message -----
From: Chester Albert G Casta�eda <gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph>
To: <ffml-bounce@fanfic.com>; <ffml-bounce@fanfic.com>; FFML
<ffml@fanfic.com>
Cc: <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>
Sent: Tuesday, May 02, 2000 3:29 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: Subject: [fic]Two Hearts of One Mind, Part 3
These parts I skip. Why? Coz I already gave most of my comments to it,
which is basically a usual c&c to your work. Style, prose, a bit of a
problem toward Rei's POV, which wasn't up to par with the Shinji POV...yup,
the usual. So I'll spare the comments to those and make an overall thing.
Lessee... <rubbing hands>
Uh huh. Gotcha.
In Scriviner's, the aforementioned parts were described in about one
paragraph. So not much to take on there...it reads like a plot summary, if
anything else. You expanded upon those scenes so as to set up the climax.
Now, the question is, has your alleged overstatement worked with or against
the rewrite. The answer, unfortunately, is against. A rewrite will very
unfortunately and unavoidably be compared to an original. If the original
was well liked, the readers would naturally want to expect something from
the rewrite that is new and interesting but still loyal to the original. The
balance thing I mentioned earlier. You've probably heard this all before,
but here it is again...the subtlety, the sparse that you were going for, is
already in the original and readers who already know what was to happen
bfore would find everything so overstated...like, say, a rework of
Takahashi's opening episode in Ranma 1/2...it's so great that it is
restricted in itself that most any alteration would almost feel like a sin.
IN fact, the whole thing that you were trying to change in it was the very
thing that gave it's appeal. You were setting things up and was subtle about
the scenes...most people have Scriviner scene's in mind that they overlook
whatever setup you're working on. Again, it is very hard to make a fic which
needs to balance so many things. You have to have in mind the Eva canon, the
original, the new stuff going on your head...it's hard work.
Ah, well. First attempt.
Video game fanatics, do you recall Syphon Filter? It would have been a
hit, with such great graphics and plot, save one thing...most gamers feel it
to be a rehash of Metal Gear Solid. One gaming magazine said, I think, in
these words: "Has there not been a Metal Gear Solid, it's quite possible it
would have been a hit." Syphon Filter did most of the things MGS did and
improved on it somewhat, since it is later technology than MGS...but still,
gamers have afresh in their mind the hit game, so Syphon Filter was
just...rehash. It was what came to my mind as I first read TimeRunner's Two
Hearts and read
Scriviners. First of all, it's *Scriviner's* labor of love...the
originality of it all, the plot, comes from him. TimeRunner tried to
incorporate the oh-so-hard balancing act that was the rewrite. But it was
still *Scriviner's,* not his. He didn't want to make a second-rate Scriviner
fic, but what he got, people thought of as a second-rate Scriviner fic.
There was a change of story. There was more elaboration, with a touch of
subtle setup working on the background. But reader's still have afresh
Scriviner's work. That is the curse of the rewrite, unfortunately. Always a
comparison to another. Would have been easier if there was no balancing act
to do. Free reign...but it was already hard enough as it is to make a fanfic
in *free reign* without having the OOC and canon police hot on your trail.
To put it simply, you did a great rewrite...unfortunately, it was still
based upon, came from, and ultimately limited to the original...and there's
simply nothing like the original. You'!
ve made it your own and did it the way you see fit...others saw it and
said "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Now all this will come as a kind of
"bodes ill for the rest of the project," but it seems to be the case. There
are just so many things that'll go against a simple rewrite...namely, the
original. This wasn't a simple rewrite...but the hard thing to do is to find
a.) what thing to change in the original that won't ruin it in the rewrite
b.) do something that will make your work unique from the original c.) try
to not overstep the thin line between the aforementioned things. Syphon
Filter felt cheapened cause it's all "been there, done that." Your's felt
cheapened because "Why the heck did'ya change that?! That's the whole thing
great about the fic.
Well, hold on to your hats, because I'm reprising it AGAIN.
What are the things you've changed in this fic. Some of them really did
improve on the fic, like changing the Hayashibara song to something Shinji
really does listen to. I found your rendition here has the same style, but
different feel...actually, it kinda felt much like rather like a novel I've
read...John Grisham's The Rainmaker. No, the story has nothing to do with
anything...only your writing, for once, did actually feel rather elaborate.
No, I'm not even comparing it with the original...I read the reprise first,
but it still felt rather (oh, here we go again) overstated somewhat.
Probably because it had something to do with the vagueness the original had.
Since that was the little something you could change, you changed
that...making the reprise stand on the details as it's legs. Naturally,
since the fans of the original aim on the legs, the fic has a hard time
standing. The whole reprise depends on the details you've made...the readers
don't like the details, so they !
go to the original. The spacing out of conflict, the entire
compatibility-test...all depend from changing the vagueness of Scriviner.
This was the downfall of the fic, unfortunately.
Downfall, eh? This doesn't sound too good.
Now I'll have to go outtie. No matter how hard I try, I find little else
to say about the fic that wasn't already stated by many people. The find
hard your subtlety because they have Scriviner's vagueness for it. And I'm
gonna apologize for this, somewhat...it feels like spam with my own
statements seeming like a repetition of everyone elses. So I'll make this
ending statements brief. Whimsical made a lot of good points, which I merely
entwined with this letter (strangely, my finding something new to say is
about as hard as making a good rewrite), like putting the original with the
rewrite. Though that kinda makes it feel like a textbook, comparing things
IMHO...perhaps a repost will do. And all that stuff about reatining the good
stuff and changing whatever good is to be changed, or something to that
effect. Keep in mind that most rewrites are done to fics who had actually
*something* wrong with it, or something can be expanded upon it hasn't been
explored in the original. 'S!
ides, the GTP has only begun...let us see it grow. And I'm kinda curious
of the Toledo and Scriviner reprises as well. Oh yeah, Im gonna ask it
here...the original Nikolas "Switch" Toledo's "After All"? ^^
I've asked Switch to either send me or repost "After All" and
"Superstitions". And from now on, every Reprise will be posted alongside the
original.
Thanks for your comments.
=====
w.o.m
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
Kaze ga kawareba boku no michi sae sukoshi wa
Mashi ni naru daro
"Yutaka saga kimitachi wo Dame ni suru" nante
Shitta kocchanai
If the wind changes, even my path
Will probably become a little clearer
They say "Prosperity will make you bad"
I don't know about that
-- Escaflowne: Empty the Pocket
...I want to gather up all that I am,
and find the strength to throw it all away;
strip down to nothing, like a rose petal floating free...
...Even if I have to separate the two of us, I will change the world.
- Utena: Round Dance Revolution