Howdy! Thanks again for the C&C.
Here's chapter 2. Enjoy!
I did. That's why I'm doing the C&C.
And that's excatly why I'm so grateful. ^_^
Standing no more than a few miles away from the SDF-1, Ranma tried
to
come to a decision. What should he do now? That was the million dollars
question. He had absolutely no idea what had happened a moment ago. One
minute, he had been walking towards the SDF-1, a ship he had wanted to
visit
for some time now. The next, that same ship had fired a blast of energy
over
the city. A _very_ powerful blast.
This is/was a bit of a problematic paragraph. It's cleaned up rather
nicely,
although it's actually the million dollar question (no 's')
Well, I'm in the 'Do-What-Morgan-Says' school, so... ^_^
Sorry about the 's', he had already told me that. My fault.
To say the army was in alert would have been the understatement of
the
year.
Although armies tend to be ON alert rather than IN it.
Ah, prepositions, prepositions... Thanks for pointing it out.
Two days had passed since the SDF-1 had crashed in their camp, and
by
then, both the Saotomes and the Tendos knew it actually was an alien
spaceship.
This is fine, although I tend to think that "it was actually" reads
better.
Okay, it sounds better. Will change.
So, there he was, performing a kata in the dojo, when Akane decided
to
give him a surprise: she cooked dinner.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Heh. Poor cliched Akane. ^_^
and her curry was at least passable. Better yet, when supervised by
either
the elder Tendo daughter or Nodoka--or both, for more security--she could
cook simple meals--like rice or something.
Would anyone like to test Akane's cooking ability by getting her to boil
some water without burning it?
Eh... no? ^_^
But that day, she had done the forbidden: she had improvised.
Evacuate! She's gonna blow! ;)
^_^
You meany reader! She's not that bad, you hear me?! ^_^
enigmatic smile and said, "Oh, just some wild flowers and vegetables I
found
in the island. I'm sure you'll like them." And with that, she had run to
the
kitchen, leaving a bewildered fiance behind.
Oh, it's just a salad. Not even Akane can stuff up throwing into a bowl
some
leaves of lettuce.
Think again.
�Wild... flowers?!� he thought. Okay, big mistake number two.
Yeah, and wildflowers.
'Wildflowers'? You sure? I'll check it out.
Well, at least they're perfectly normal wildflowers,
with no hallucinogenic effects. Aren't they?
Ask Ranma, he should know. ^_^
�Now, if I were an impregnable underground shelter, where would I
be?�
A
dog's angry barks were his only answer.
"Of course! Woof woof, bark bloody woof! But that's all the way on the
other
side of the city!"
Heheh. Hey, an answer is an answer.
From his actual position, he was able to distinguish the
supercarriers
anchored in the port. Aircraft of every kind got to the sky from its
catapults. A swarm of Veritechs already soared through the air, fast as
rockets, flying towards the ocean.
I don't like the actual there, since we know he's at whatever position.
Right. Will fix.
Also, my Year 5&6 teacher drilled a hatred of "got" into me, so I would
have
written the second sentence "Aircraft of every kind took to the sky ...",
which also sounds more natural to me anyway.
It sounds more natural all right. Consider it fixed.
�Whatever it's that's happening, it's gotta be serious.�
Like I said, I hate the word got, although I can almost accept gotta and
gotten is fine. However, in this case, I think "it must be serious" fits
better here.
Okay. Will change.
Also, the first part doesn't seem quite right to me. Could you perhaps use
one of these suggestions:
"Whatever's happening, it must be serious."
"Whatever it is that's happening, it must be serious."
Also right. Will change.
"Hello, pleased to meet ya," said Ranma politely, bowing. After so
many
years living with his mother, he had finally learnt some manners. Some.
Rough as he is, I think Ranma'd at least use you instead of ya in front of
adults.
Ranma? 'You'? Impossible! ^_^
Seriously now, you're right once again. Will change.
"What's is it, Jason? I'm busy right now. Wait!" sounded a voice
from
the staircase. A woman's voice.
"What is it, Jason?"
Argh! Will fix.
�Once more, victim of Akane's cooking.� He sighed.
"Once more, I'm a victim of Akane's cooking."
Umm... The 'I'm a' is, IMO, superfluous. I will see about it.
"Shh, Akane. I'm okay now, am I not?" Ranma softly said. His mind,
however, was a whirlwind. �In coma!� He couldn't believe it. He rapidly
"In a coma!"
Right.
examined himself. His muscles were full with kinks after the prolonged
immobility, but it was nothing a few hours of training wouldn't fix. His
eyes seemed fine--he didn't see any strange light dancing in front of
them.
... strange lights ...
D'oh!
In fact, they seemed better than fine. His sight was keener than ever,
and
even in the poorly-lighten there was nothing he could not see.
... poorly-lit ...
Actually, I was going for 'poorly-lighted'. I'll fix it.
Already in the passage, Ranma thought of what he ought to do next.
He
could go to his bedroom and see if he would be able to get some rest, or
he
could go downstairs and make his pop know that he was already up. After a
moment of consideration, he decided on the latter.
If he decided to do the first thing he said, that's actually the former.
Ooops. Thanks, I never would have caught it myself. ^_^
He started heading towards the downed aircraft, but something made
him
stop dead in his tracks. He couldn't believe his eyes. Among the ruble,
the
plane was... changing, shifting--there wasn't a word to describe it.
Amongst the rubble ...
Actually, I think 'among' is as good as 'amongst'.
I don't think that the Veritech would be falling into Russian money.
That why you can't trust the speel-checker. Will fix.
To be continued...
I look forward to it.
Thanks. I'm half-way through C3, so hopefully, I'll be able to post it next
week.
Keep up the excellent work!
Thank you once more, your comments have been most helpful. You caught a lot
of mistakes in chapters I honestly thought as polished as they could get. If
you keep this up, I'll have to send all my chapters directly to you. ^_^
Bye and good luck,
Latin_D