First off, I just want to say that my co-author and I really appreciate
you taking the time to give us some C&C. Your comments were nothing
short of excellent, and they brought up some issues that definitely need
some attention. Anyway, on to the reply. :)
Douglas MacDougall wrote:
Who am I to complain, though? Most guys like me never get
a chance to be with a woman like her in their entire lives-
-and here Mara is, willing to stay with me, Keiichi
Morisato, for the rest of my life. I can only hope that
some day I'll be good enough to make her happy.
Let me slip in a comment here about part 1. I didn't buy
Keiichi's wish. In the original Oh! My Goddess, Keiichi
wished for someone *like* Belldandy to with him always.
You had his wish for Mara *herself* to be with his always.
I couldn't really see it. For Keiichi, the issue seemed
to be more her personality than looks, anyway.
Ah, hm. Well, allow me to grin sheepishly for a moment. See, we're
actually (and please don't stop reading because of this) sort of
following the continuity of the dubbed OAVs, in which Keiichi
specifically wishes for Belldandy. The dub is all we have for
reference. Anyway, if he wished for a girl *like* Mara, it would have
the same effect in the end. I suppose that, since most people around
here are more familiar with the sub, it might be best to change it.
Then there's Verdandi. I don't think I've ever met a nicer
girl in my whole life. What a contrast. If there's ever
anybody who *should* be a goddess, it's gotta be her. Not
based on looks, of course...she's all right, but certainly
not a head-turner like Mara is. But her personality.
She's so sweet and innocent, and she always knows just what
to say.
Hmm. I don't know if I agree that Mara is a "head-turner".
I mean, this is the same person who told Keiichi she was
Belldandy's fiance. Obviously she's not *that* much of a
bombshell. :)
That having been said, I think what you've got Keiichi saying
is dead-on.
My answer to your comment on Mara is that Gwynith Paltrow managed to
play a fairly convincing (if effeminate-looking) guy in Shakespeare in
Love. And she's a bombshell. :)
I can't really place it, but it almost seems like there's
something more to her. I kinda get a feeling of Deja Vu
when I'm talking to her--like we met in some previous life.
Heck, maybe we did. I mean, up until a week ago, I'd never
seen a goddess, and wouldn't have believed they even
existed. Now, well, anything's possible.
Keiichi's made a logical leap, I see. :)
Is this is based off the OAV continuity?
Yup.
Urd was bored. She sat down in her chair in front of her
designated computer terminal, propping her head up with one
hand. It wasn't that there was nothing for her to do in
Heaven, it was just that her job could become extremely
tedious at times. [...]
Isn't she the sysop? ^_^ Doesn't that involve fixing
everyone else's problems? I'd imagine that she wouldn't
be bored, but feeling put upon by everyone and their
constant requests...
Well, typically, any large corporation that processes important data has
a number of sysops. And, really, would you want to depend solely on Urd
to maintain a computer system that runs reality? :)
The disturbance, as far as he could tell, was coming from
the TV room; he bounded in as fast as his legs would allow,
and took quick stock of the situation.
How big are these apartments, anyway?
They seem to have an awful lot of rooms.
Five rooms total. Two bedrooms, a TV room, a kitchen/living room, and a
bathroom. I base this layout off of my own apartment--however, I've
never lived in Japan, so I don't know how big apartments are over
there. Is five rooms too much?
Mara looked shocked for a moment but quickly feigned an
expression of indifference. If Urd were to spill the beans
now about Mara not being who she said she was, then her
little game could very well be over.
Which brings me to another question. Just what the heck
*is* Mara's game? There doesn't seem to be too much point
to this little exercise other than to make Keiichi
miserable. You'd think she's use her demonic wiles to
encourage Keiichi to become more evil, or something.
He *did* say he'd do "anything" to see her smile...
If she's here to make Bell's life miserable, then
I think she could be doing a better job of it. She's
doing a horrible job if the idea is to make sure Bell
and Keiichi never get together.
The major plot issue. There *is* a reason that she's acting like this,
but apparently it's not adequately explained. I'll address this at the
end.
"Absolutely ridiculous," she stated, looking away for a
moment. "My dear Keiichi," she added, in a voice typically
reserved for explaining something to a slow child, "Urd is
no more of a Goddess than I am a Demon."
A little misdirection on Mara's part? Although it leaves
me wondering if the authors are aware that Urd is half-
demon, herself...
Quite. She's a goddess by career, though. :)
"You shouldn't trust her at all." she said, her voice
wavering. Mara looked up, eyes pleading with him to agree
with her, "Keiichi, please tell me you'll stay away from
her. Please?"
Considering how completely Urd could screw up Mara's plans,
she should make damned sure Kei will not listen to her.
How about Mara presents a scenario of Urd tormenting other
girls in the past, pretending to be their "sister," but
driving them bonkers with magic tricks, making them think
they're insane.
Keiichi's promised not to see Urd, but Urd hasn't made any
promise. Mara should consider the possibility that the
goddess will seek out Keiichi. With a story like this,
he won't believe her even if she does try to explain the
truth.
You mention further on that Keiichi says some things that Mara didn't
tell him on camera. This section will have to be expanded, because it's
not really doing all of what it's supposed to.
After storming out of Bell's apartment, Urd had shrunk
herself down to miniature form and crept back in when
Keiichi and Mara left, her idea being to quietly observe
her sister and hopefully garner some information about what
had been done to her. She discovered soon afterwards that
Bell's aura was almost gone--there was only a faint trace
there, as if her younger sister had somehow lost faith in
her powers. No other forms of magic were present--at
least, nothing that Urd was capable of picking out with her
limited divination abilities.
I'm not sure how well this fits in with the "physics" of
OMG. Is there any evidence that faith has anything to
do with their power? And it's not like they have a lot
of personal power, anyway. Most of it is because they
are antennas for the Ultimate Force.
Well, my response to that is that the physics of the OMG universe are
vague, and at times contradictory. And, for the sake of the story, we
did take a few liberties. The Infernal Power, for instance, is not
canon ... although, if there's a place in the canon where its existance
is directly contradicted, I'm not aware of it.
Soon after Bell recovered, Megumi picked up the phone and
dialed Keiichi--her brother, apparently--and gave him a
quick report on Bell's welfare. Poor Bell. Megumi didn't
believe her about Urd crawling out of the television set;
Easily solved. She could pop her head out of the TV
when Megumi is watching.
...and put herself in danger of getting hit over the head with a
baseball bat. :) Megumi's already afraid of Urd, especially after what
Mara said.
"Urd's a demon!" Keiichi exclaimed proudly, looking at
Verdandi and Megumi. "That's what Mara told me. That's
Huh? I don't recall her saying that...
why she can just pop out of nowhere like that. Megumi, I
know you don't believe Verdandi about how Urd came out of
the TV set and all, but I do. Urd has magic like that, and
she uses it to do mean things to people. Mara told me that
one time she--"
Now I know I didn't see this. When did she have the time
to bring this up?
Yeah, that'll need to be said explicitly, I think.
"I don't want you meddling any more, Urd," she answered
sweetly. "Your little sister can't defend herself, and you
know very well that I would win a battle between the two of
us. So," she continued, her tone still saccharine, "unless
you want unspeakable things to befall your poor little
sister, I suggest you stay out of my business, okay hun?"
Mara's shot herself repeatedly in the foot, here. First,
she's confirmed that Verdandi is Urd's sister. Secondly,
she's made some rather evil threats, making one doubt if
she's really a goddess.
Well, in this case, she's speaking quietly enough so that only Urd hears
her. Keiichi's chattering is drowning her voice, as far as the others
are concerned.
Urd was still upset by the time she had reached the data
center room back up in Heaven. Everything she had done to
try to figure out what had happened to her younger sister
had gone awry. She had tried several times to sneak into
the apartment that Keiichi and Mara inhabited, but with
little success. It was strange, really. Every time she
started to make some headway, some stupid coincidence had
managed to stop her--be it people in the hall, or some
obstruction that had fallen on her, or that cat that
somehow got out and attacked her. It was as if something
was constantly working against her; every step she made
forward, she was pushed two steps back.
Are we to take it then, that Mara really did grant Keiichi's
wish, and the Ultimate Force is affecting her? But that
doesn't make any sense -- Mara's not an antenna. Or is
this the "Infernal power" you referred to in the first part?
I don't recall anything like that in the books.
Yup, exactly. We were trying to hint at it here ... it's stated
explicitly in chapter 3, though.
Well, I like the characterization a lot. The writing is a
little choppy, with a tendency towards short sentences, but
it's not too bad. The only real problem is that I don't know
what going on.
What's the deal with Mara? It initially sounded like she
had this wonderful plan, and intercepted Keiichis's wish,
but she's not *doing* anything. After granting the wish,
she just, well, hangs around, generally being a nuisance.
You really need to clear it up. Don't just make Mara's
wish-granting some plot device. What were her motivations?
And why isn't she continuing to act upon them?
Okay, here's the deal with that, as well as an idea to fix it:
Mara's main motivation here is resentment of Belldandy. Her idea is to
make Bell suffer by dangling Keiichi in front of her nose ... the
premise behind this being that, while her memories may be sealed away,
her feelings are not.
As for the way she's acting, it's sort of Mara's nature to dive into her
plans head-first, without giving much thought to the consequences. Deep
down, although she can be a nasty bitch, she's not really *evil*. The
fact is, her plan worked better than she thought it did, and now she's
feeling a bit guilty and confused, and really has no idea what to do;
unfortunately, though, she's too proud to admit this to herself, so
she's not backing down. Also, I should point out here that Mara's
motives and reasoning are fully revealed later on in the story, but not
until near the end.
The reason we didn't state all this explicitly is that, in order to stay
somewhat mysterious about what's going on, we've been trying to avoid
getting into Mara's head. Anyway, after giving it some thought, I've
come up with something that might fix the problem...
During one of Urd's scenes (probably the final one), have her ask
herself the same questions you asked, and possibly speculate on an
answer. This would send a signal to the audience that it is, in fact, a
deliberate part of the plot, and not something we just sort of glossed
over to make things convenient.
Does this strike you as an adequate way to fix things? If not, do you
have any suggestions? I'm pretty happy with this fic, so I'd really
hate to have a gaping hole in it. :)
Anyway, I appreciate your comments. You've been most helpful. :) We'll
be re-posting revised versions of all the chapters once we get through
posting our drafts... If you've got any thoughts on later chapters, we'd
like to hear them. :)
Thanks,
Bart Kelsey