C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
****
And now, without further ado...Goddess in the Mirror
Chapter 2: Days Like This
By Bart Kelsey and Thomas Dye
Wow. It's been ten days now. Feels like a lot longer than
that, though--and I'm not sure that's a good thing. It's
just ... Mara can be so *mean* sometimes. I've never met
any divinity before her, but I guess I kind of expected
goddesses to be nicer than that.
I associate divinity with what gods and goddess *have*,
rather than what they *are*, so "meeting divinity" sounded
weird to me. Maybe "I've never met any divine beings..."?
Who am I to complain, though? Most guys like me never get
a chance to be with a woman like her in their entire lives-
-and here Mara is, willing to stay with me, Keiichi
Morisato, for the rest of my life. I can only hope that
some day I'll be good enough to make her happy.
suggest: and here's Mara
Let me slip in a comment here about part 1. I didn't buy
Keiichi's wish. In the original Oh! My Goddess, Keiichi
wished for someone *like* Belldandy to with him always.
You had his wish for Mara *herself* to be with his always.
I couldn't really see it. For Keiichi, the issue seemed
to be more her personality than looks, anyway.
Then there's Verdandi. I don't think I've ever met a nicer
girl in my whole life. What a contrast. If there's ever
anybody who *should* be a goddess, it's gotta be her. Not
based on looks, of course...she's all right, but certainly
not a head-turner like Mara is. But her personality.
She's so sweet and innocent, and she always knows just what
to say.
Hmm. I don't know if I agree that Mara is a "head-turner".
I mean, this is the same person who told Keiichi she was
Belldandy's fiance. Obviously she's not *that* much of a
bombshell. :)
That having been said, I think what you've got Keiichi saying
is dead-on.
I can't really place it, but it almost seems like there's
something more to her. I kinda get a feeling of Deja Vu
when I'm talking to her--like we met in some previous life.
Heck, maybe we did. I mean, up until a week ago, I'd never
seen a goddess, and wouldn't have believed they even
existed. Now, well, anything's possible.
cap: deju vu
(Don't capitalize.)
Keiichi's made a logical leap, I see. :)
Is this is based off the OAV continuity?
Either way, she makes an excellent roommate for Megumi.
They seem to get along really well together. A lot better
than Megumi would get along with Mara, that's for sure.
Whenever the two of them are in the same room, you can
almost *feel* the tension. I asked Meg about it a couple
days ago, but I couldn't get a straight answer out of her,
which was strange. Usually she doesn't avoid questions
like that.
suggest: answer out of her. It was strange; usually, she
[...]
Case in point--yesterday, Verdandi invited Mara and I over
for dinner. She's a wonderful cook, as I've discovered.
Anyway, Mara, Megumi, and I were all sitting down at the
table, when Verdandi walked out of the kitchen carrying
this tray of--get this--Italian food. I've never really
been one to like Italian all that much, but man, when I
smelled her cooking, well, count me as converted!
VERDANDI: You won't regret this! The Norn religion has
a lot to offer you!
"Wow, that smells great!"
"Oh, thank you Keiichi!" Her smile really does light up a
room. I wonder if Mara's does as well. It's hard to tell
though, since she seems to spend all her time glowering at
everyone. I wish I could do something to make her smile
like that.
punc: thank you, Keiichi!
(Since he's being directly addressed,
set his name off with commas.)
Keiichi's a lot more forgiving guy than I could ever be...
[...]
I think Meg felt the same way I did, but Mara basically
turned her nose up at it. She took a bite, and then made a
face and started pouring salt and pepper all over it.
MARA: Why, this food is simply heavenly... [eyes bulge]
Ack! Help! Ack!
[...]
"This is excellent!" I really meant it, too, but I could
tell by the way Verdandi was glancing back and forth
between myself and Mara that she didn't believe me.
suggest: "This is great!"
(I don't see Keiichi using the word
"excellent," for some reason.)
[...]
"Keiichi, when you say things like that to people, you do
more harm than good. It's best that someone be honest with
Verdandi about her cooking so she'll stop and other people
won't have to suffer through it."
Hee hee! Quite the little stinker, Mara. ^_^
MARA: I'm just trying to HELP... >:)
[...]
Now, Mara looks mad most of the time, but this was the
first time I'd ever seen her *really* ticked off. I could
almost imagine little flames burning in her eyes when she
wound up and slapped Meg back. It was enough to knock her
backwards a bit, and I think it actually drew a little
blood from the corner of her mouth. Meg was stunned--and
scared too, unless I read her wrong.
Since this is being told by the first person, I can see why
you're using phrases like "she seemed" and "unless I read
her wrong", but it detracts a bit from the flow of the
story. You might want to consider removing some of them.
[...]
"I think I should--" Meg trailed off, looking back over her
shoulder at the bathroom.
"Yeah," I replied. "Um, I better go. I'm really sorry
about this, Meg. You gonna be all right?"
I liked this dinner scene. Very well done, with good
characterization of everyone. Everyone's personalities
are neatly and efficiently displayed within the short
encounter.
[...]
Urd was bored. She sat down in her chair in front of her
designated computer terminal, propping her head up with one
hand. It wasn't that there was nothing for her to do in
Heaven, it was just that her job could become extremely
tedious at times. [...]
Isn't she the sysop? ^_^ Doesn't that involve fixing
everyone else's problems? I'd imagine that she wouldn't
be bored, but feeling put upon by everyone and their
constant requests...
it dawned on her that there was a
way she could relieve her boredom. She would go visit her
younger sister.
URD: Oh, Sku-uld!
The walk from Urd's post in the Yggdrasil System
Administration building to the Goddess Relief Office was
not a very long one. Just follow the path under the
crystal arches, turn left at the World Tree, and walk
straight on until you see a skyscraper built in the metal-
and-crystal architectural style of the first millenium,
with massive, ornately-carved ebony doors and the words
"Goddess Relief Office" in gold script just above them. A
casual observer would have been amazed at the sights, but
to Urd, it was nothing new.
sp: millennium
(Two L's, two N's.)
The four front doors led into a lobby built with gold and
white marble. The front desk, an impressive stone affair
with famous scenes from various religious texts inlaid in
well-polished bronze, was staffed by five eager, young,
smiling goddesses in training. A giant crystal chandelier
hung from the ceiling, bathing the entire room with a soft
blue glow. Urd just shook her head; it was ridiculous how
far they were willing to go just to impress people.
Um. Yes. I have to say that I'm completely skimming
over this description, myself. Majestic descriptions of
heaven don't interest me at all.
Why doesn't she just teleport through the computer
screens?
[...]
Urd was confused. If there was one thing she didn't like,
it was a mystery.
Giving up on that particular line of searching, she headed
What line of searching?
Do you mean asking the co-workers? It isn't clear.
[...]
Where Keiichi is, she decided, Belldandy is most likely to
be near. It was time she pay them both a surprise visit.
suggest: Where ever Keiichi
suggest: be nearby.
gram: time to pay
or: It was time for her to pay
[...]
She took it and scribbled a few characters in the signature
box, then handed the pad back and watched with mild
distaste as he walked out the door. The label on the
package read 'Morisato'--no first name was given, and the
writing looked as if it had been scrawled there hastily.
She started to get up to put it in its rightful mailbox,
but at that moment Megumi wandered into the building.
suggest: rightful mailbox, when Megumi
"Hey Megumi, I have a package for you!" she said, pointing
at her surname on the label.
The possibility that it's for Keiichi doesn't even pop into
her head?
Megumi gave her a confused look as she accepted the small
item.
suggest: the item.
(Is a video cassette small? )
[...]
Verdandi glanced up from her homework, hearing the door to
their apartment open. She stood and stretched for a
moment, then walked out into the living room, only to find
that her roommate was nowhere in sight. She was just about
to return to her studies, when she noticed that there was a
small parcel sitting on the table.
Suggest a paragraph break here.
Curiously, she picked
it up, intending to check the address; the instant she did
so, however, she felt something almost like a jolt of
electricity running though her body, and she nearly dropped
the package in surprise. When the sensation faded a moment
later, she checked the label, found her roommate's family
name on it, and placed it back on the table. She began to
walk away, but then stopped, feeling almost compelled to
turn back. It was strange, but she really felt like she
needed to know what was inside.
VERDANDI: How odd. It's an ornate puzzlebox...
"Megumi, are you here?" Verdandi called out.
I would have expected this comment as soon as Megumi came
through the front door.
[...]
"You mean that little box? I was wondering about that
myself. Go ahead and open it up if you want ... I'll be
out in a just a sec."
Again with the "little" box. It sounds more and more
like something out of the Hellraiser movies. ^_^;
URD: I am Cenobyte VCR!
[...]
"Okay." Verdandi slid the TV room door open and then
closed it behind her, carefully loading the strange tape
into their old video cassette player. She flipped on the
television, hit play, and then sat back and placed her
hands in her lap.
Honestly, watching that sort of tape with her hands
"in her lap!" Shameless! ^o^
[...]
"Sexy Sister?" she wondered aloud. What kind of pervert
would send her and Megumi *this* sort of tape?
...Or does she like to watch this sort of thing? No,
wait! It was probably for Keiichi. He was the pervert!
She smiled, happy to have solved the mystery.
[...]
A foot popped out of the television set.
suggest: The girl's foot
(It's not just any foot, after all, it's the same foot
that's attached to the leg, that's attached to...)
Verdandi rubbed her eyes, just to be certain her mind
wasn't playing tricks on her. When she looked again, the
better part of the woman's calf was also sticking out of
the television, accompanied now by her other foot.
The "better" part of her calf? I won't ask. ^_^
[...]
Something appeared to startle the stranger a bit. She
stared at Verdandi incredulously, as if sizing her up
somehow.
"Bell? Is that you?" she asked finally.
Verdandi screamed.
VERDANDI: Peter Pan's evil sister has come out of the TV and
thinks I'm Tinkerbell! Stay away from me! I don't have
any "fairy dust!"
Seconds later, Megumi burst into the room brandishing a
baseball bat.
Is this before or after she finally changed her outfit? :j
[...]
"I thought I heard a scream ... yeah, I definitely hear
something. It sounds like my sister!"
I would assume Verdandi screamed, but Megumi is yelling.
The former has a connotation of panic, while Meg probably
feels reasonably in charge, what with the baseball bat.
[...]
The disturbance, as far as he could tell, was coming from
the TV room; he bounded in as fast as his legs would allow,
and took quick stock of the situation.
How big are these apartments, anyway?
They seem to have an awful lot of rooms.
[...]
Mara smiled a dark half-smile. "That's a very good
question, hon. But the thing is, I really have no idea.
You see, I'm just here on contract with Keiichi here." She
placed a hand on Kei's shoulder, causing him to flinch
slightly.
Ah, true love. ^_^;;;
"On con--" Megumi started, but never got the chance to
finish.
In a corner of Verdandi's mind, she confirmed her
previous assessment that Keiichi was a pervert...
[...]
The woman named Urd was nearly trembling with rage, a hint
of burgundy showing through her olive skin. "Mara," she
said very quietly, "I don't know what you've done here, but
when I find out what it is, I'm going to come looking for
you, and personally tear you to shreds."
This threat is a little odd, seeing as how Urd's revenge is
never really physical. Maybe yshe could say "I'll make you
regret it." I realize it doesn't sounds nearly as threatening...
[...]
Urd drew in a deep breath and walked out of the TV room.
Keiichi and Megumi poked their heads out into the dining
area and watched as she left the apartment, slamming the
door behind her.
One possible complication: How does Urd know how to get
out? It's not like she walked into the building. ^_^;
[...]
A small whimper from the corner drew their attention back
to Verdandi, who was seated against the wall with her knees
pulled into her chest, crying. Keiichi immediately went
over and knelt down beside her.
"It's all right, Verdandi. She's gone now."
Is there a reason for this reaction on Verdandi's part?
I realize she's a lot more timid than Belldandy, but this
seems a wee bit extreme.
[...]
She was too engrossed in applying her make-up to respond,
so Keiichi walked over and took a seat on the couch next to
her. She turned to look at him, a hint of irritation in
her eyes. "What do you want, Keiichi?" she snapped.
"Can't you see I'm busy?"
Mara uses makeup? That doesn't sound very divine... ;)
[...]
Mara looked shocked for a moment but quickly feigned an
expression of indifference. If Urd were to spill the beans
now about Mara not being who she said she was, then her
little game could very well be over.
Which brings me to another question. Just what the heck
*is* Mara's game? There doesn't seem to be too much point
to this little exercise other than to make Keiichi
miserable. You'd think she's use her demonic wiles to
encourage Keiichi to become more evil, or something.
He *did* say he'd do "anything" to see her smile...
If she's here to make Bell's life miserable, then
I think she could be doing a better job of it. She's
doing a horrible job if the idea is to make sure Bell
and Keiichi never get together.
"Absolutely ridiculous," she stated, looking away for a
moment. "My dear Keiichi," she added, in a voice typically
reserved for explaining something to a slow child, "Urd is
no more of a Goddess than I am a Demon."
A little misdirection on Mara's part? Although it leaves
me wondering if the authors are aware that Urd is half-
demon, herself...
She pursed her lips, peering into her compact's small
mirror. "Urd is evil. She lies, cheats, steals, and uses
people," She continued on, waving her hand in a chopping
motion at intervals while itemizing Urd's bad points, her
voice a steady crescendo.
They say the best lie is the truth... ^_^;
URD: Hey! I represent that remark!
[...]
"You shouldn't trust her at all." she said, her voice
wavering. Mara looked up, eyes pleading with him to agree
with her, "Keiichi, please tell me you'll stay away from
her. Please?"
Considering how completely Urd could screw up Mara's plans,
she should make damned sure Kei will not listen to her.
How about Mara presents a scenario of Urd tormenting other
girls in the past, pretending to be their "sister," but
driving them bonkers with magic tricks, making them think
they're insane.
Keiichi's promised not to see Urd, but Urd hasn't made any
promise. Mara should consider the possibility that the
goddess will seek out Keiichi. With a story like this,
he won't believe her even if she does try to explain the
truth.
[...]
Urd could not, for the life of her, figure out what was
going on.
Her sister was without memory or identity, that much was
clear--and she looked different as well.
She has an identity, just not the one Urd is used to.
This difference
in her appearance was subtle, but at the same time quite
distinct. Gone from her face was the angelic glow that
could put to shame goddesses and mortals alike. In its
place was the visage of a weak, confused girl, bereft of
the charm and magic that had so defined Belldandy's
demeanor.
Keiichi would disagree about the charm bit.
[...]
After storming out of Bell's apartment, Urd had shrunk
herself down to miniature form and crept back in when
Keiichi and Mara left, her idea being to quietly observe
her sister and hopefully garner some information about what
had been done to her. She discovered soon afterwards that
Bell's aura was almost gone--there was only a faint trace
there, as if her younger sister had somehow lost faith in
her powers. No other forms of magic were present--at
least, nothing that Urd was capable of picking out with her
limited divination abilities.
I'm not sure how well this fits in with the "physics" of
OMG. Is there any evidence that faith has anything to
do with their power? And it's not like they have a lot
of personal power, anyway. Most of it is because they
are antennas for the Ultimate Force.
[...]
Soon after Bell recovered, Megumi picked up the phone and
dialed Keiichi--her brother, apparently--and gave him a
quick report on Bell's welfare. Poor Bell. Megumi didn't
believe her about Urd crawling out of the television set;
Easily solved. She could pop her head out of the TV
when Megumi is watching.
[...]
Keiichi's former dorm mates, contrary to popular belief,
are not totally useless and nonproductive people (although
sometimes they do manage to come pretty close). Keiichi,
despite his recent eviction from his onetime residence, was
still owed a few favors by some of the guys at the Nekomi
Auto Club. Tonight, he decided, was high time he cash in
and get some arrangements made for a pleasant day tomorrow.
A few telephone calls and several thousand Yen later, he
had managed to land reservations for a day's stay at a
small beach house just south of Yokohama.
cap: yen
(Don't capitalize it, just because it's a foreign word)
Mara seemed nonplussed by the whole idea; judging by her
reactions to just about everything else, though. a lack of
reaction was favorable. She was oddly quiet that night,
her eyes distant, apparently lost in thought; Keiichi could
only guess what was on her mind.
punc: everything else, though, a lack
suggest: whole idea. Judging from
Tossing a TV dinner into the microwave, Keiichi finished
his homework early that evening so that he could get a good
night's sleep. As fun and relaxing as the beach sounded,
he somehow knew that tomorrow was going to be a long day.
punc: that evening, so that
Taking a bus ride while stowing away in a duffel bag was
not Urd's idea of a great time, [...]
suggest: Taking a bus ride while stowed away
The bus ride lasted about a half hour, and then there was
another twenty minutes of jostling around while the group
walked to the beach once they had disembarked.
Suggest you snip the "once they had disembarked"
(It's not adding anything.)
[...]
Eyes brightening at the prospect of seeing his slender,
beautiful girlfriend in her swimsuit, he immediately
grabbed his satchel and went into the bathroom to change.
suggest: went into the bathroom.
(Don't duplicate the "change" you're using below.)
Keiichi changed quickly and made his way outside, leaving
[...]
While a Demoness First Class could
likely resist any of Urd's none-too-subtle attempts at
magic, no goddess, demon, or mortal could defy the power of
one of her potions.
Or at least, that's what she tells herself. :j
[...]
After that, the three of them headed out after Keiichi.
Urd, alone in the room, quickly changed into her own
swimsuit and assumed her normal form. People on the beach
might ogle her in her usual six-foot-tall physique, but all
in all, she would blend right into the crowd. On the other
hand, if someone were to see her walking around in
miniature form, trouble would almost certainly follow.
Since when is Urd six feet tall? She's not a monster!
[...]
"A pleasure," said Mara, in a voice that indicated
otherwise. The flock of young men in Sayoko's tow eyed
her, but gave her her space.
dup: gave her space.
[...]
The prospect of a boat ride was something that made Keiichi
a bit nervous. Not downright scared, by any means, but
rather just extremely cautious as he stepped onto the
vessel from the pier.
This might be a good time to remind the readers that
Keiichi can't swim.
[...]
The young men all made a point of introducing themselves to
Megumi, Verdandi, and Mara. The former two blushed shyly
in quiet enjoyment of the attention, and the latter seemed
to get great delight from teasing and tormenting her
admirers.
Verdandi certainly doesn't seem to be too timid, here.
A little reserved, but not like the girl who broke down
crying and cowering when Urd came out of the TV.
This troubled Keiichi--hurt him, even--that Mara would
flirt with every other guy on the boat; she seemed to be
going out of her way to do so, in fact. He was gazing
sadly at his girlfriend when the motors started and the
boat lurched forward, knocking him slightly off-balance.
The light touch of a hand on his back kept him from falling
over, however.
A hand on his back makes is sound like she's trying to
push him *over*. ^_^
While this is good demonic behavior on Mara's part, it seems
rather pointless. Again it comes to the question of what
Mara is trying to do. If it's just to make Keiichi jealous,
then she's doing the right thing. But it looks like she's
driving Keiichi to Verdandi.
Verdandi, thin and unremarkable even in her swimsuit, had
been there to catch him.
Hmm. I guess the physical differences are greater than I
thought, since Belldandy is not "thin and unremarkable" in
a swimsuit.
[...]
The interior of the boat was surprisingly roomy, at least
more so than it looked from the outside. It was decorated
tastefully with a burgundy patterned plush carpet, dark
blue drapery, and varnished oak furniture. It must have
all cost a fortune.
suggest: It must have cost a fortune.
(The "all" isn't really necessary.)
At Sayoko's invitation, the four of them took a seat around
the small table at the far end of the room. "Can I get you
four anything to drink?" she asked, once they had gotten
comfortable.
Whoa, where did Sayoko come from? You said Keiichi and his
"quiet little group" went below-decks. That certainly
doesn't include Sayoko.
"I'll have a soda water," Mara stated.
What, no booze?
[...]
"Soda water. Soda water. Which one's the soda--ah! There
it is!" Urd stamped her feet and shivered. Hiding out in
a refrigerator while wearing a bathing suit wasn't one of
her brightest ideas, but it was the only reliable way to
slip the remainder of the truth serum into Mara's drink
without being seen. Quickly, she wrenched the bottle cap
open with both hands and dumped the remaining few drops
inside, then did her best to replace the cap as if it had
been unopened.
suggest: remaining few drops of serum
There's no way to replace the cap as if it hasn't been
opened. She'd have to re-attach the plastic ring that
pops off.
Then again, it's not like an open bottle would be
suspicious. It's not like the fridge is restocked
on every outing, right?
[...]
Keiichi shook his head, which seemed to help. "Yeah, I
think so. Just had a bit of a dizzy spell there." He
looked around the room in wonder, eyes sparkling, as if
seeing everything for the first time. "Wow, Sayoko, your
family must be pretty rich for you to be able to afford a
boat like this."
[...]
"Wow," said Keiichi, "that was really rude of me, [...]
Maybe I'm just a heartless bastard, but I didn't see
anything rude with that comment. And Sayoko's obviously
trying to flaunt it...
[...]
"Wow," Keiichi continued, looking at his beverage again in
excitement. "This stuff is excellent! Are you sure it's
not spiked or something, though, 'cause I feel kinda funny.
Plus, I can't seem to stop talking, even if I want to.
It's so weird!"
Again, I'd suggest "great" instead of "excellent."
[...]
"Mara never smiles like that. In fact, I don't think I've
ever seen Mara smile yet. I mean, I've seen her do that
little thing where she gives you that sexy kinda look, but
I haven't seen her really smile at all." His face became
sullen. "I guess maybe I'm not good enough for her," he
said to no one in particular. "She's a goddess, after all,
and here I am, just this little short little dweeb going to
college. It's no wonder I can't make her happy."
^_^;
He looked up at her sadly. "Mara, I'd really like to be
able to make you happy some time. I mean, it's obvious to
me that you've had a rough life, otherwise you wouldn't act
the way you do. I'd like to make things better for you,
but I can't unless you tell me what you want me to do.
I'll do whatever I can if it makes you happy. You're so
pretty, I'd just--"
And once again, Keiichi shines through.
"Urd's a demon!" Keiichi exclaimed proudly, looking at
Verdandi and Megumi. "That's what Mara told me. That's
Huh? I don't recall her saying that...
why she can just pop out of nowhere like that. Megumi, I
know you don't believe Verdandi about how Urd came out of
the TV set and all, but I do. Urd has magic like that, and
she uses it to do mean things to people. Mara told me that
one time she--"
Now I know I didn't see this. When did she have the time
to bring this up?
[...]
"I don't want you meddling any more, Urd," she answered
sweetly. "Your little sister can't defend herself, and you
know very well that I would win a battle between the two of
us. So," she continued, her tone still saccharine, "unless
you want unspeakable things to befall your poor little
sister, I suggest you stay out of my business, okay hun?"
sp: Hon
(Short for Honey. It should also be capitalized, as it's
being used as a proper name.)
Mara's shot herself repeatedly in the foot, here. First,
she's confirmed that Verdandi is Urd's sister. Secondly,
she's made some rather evil threats, making one doubt if
she's really a goddess.
[...]
Mara patted Urd on the cheek. "That's nice, dear. Now
move along. You're scaring the kids."
cap: Dear
(Used as a proper name.)
[...]
Urd was still upset by the time she had reached the data
center room back up in Heaven. Everything she had done to
try to figure out what had happened to her younger sister
had gone awry. She had tried several times to sneak into
the apartment that Keiichi and Mara inhabited, but with
little success. It was strange, really. Every time she
started to make some headway, some stupid coincidence had
managed to stop her--be it people in the hall, or some
obstruction that had fallen on her, or that cat that
somehow got out and attacked her. It was as if something
was constantly working against her; every step she made
forward, she was pushed two steps back.
Are we to take it then, that Mara really did grant Keiichi's
wish, and the Ultimate Force is affecting her? But that
doesn't make any sense -- Mara's not an antenna. Or is
this the "Infernal power" you referred to in the first part?
I don't recall anything like that in the books.
Well, I like the characterization a lot. The writing is a
little choppy, with a tendency towards short sentences, but
it's not too bad. The only real problem is that I don't know
what going on.
What's the deal with Mara? It initially sounded like she
had this wonderful plan, and intercepted Keiichis's wish,
but she's not *doing* anything. After granting the wish,
she just, well, hangs around, generally being a nuisance.
You really need to clear it up. Don't just make Mara's
wish-granting some plot device. What were her motivations?
And why isn't she continuing to act upon them?
Waiting to see if it gets cleared up,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"