Hey,
This is just a silly idea that came to me a few nights ago. FYI, in
this reality Gai is alive and well. I knew that if I wanted to do a
Nadesico fic it would have to have Gai in it. ;)
(We open with a shot of the Nadesico’s mess hall. The whole cast is
there eating, talking, reading or dozing face down in puddles of their
own drool. We now focus in on Ryoko who has a knife in one hand. The
other is flat on the table, fingers spread apart. She suddenly begins to
jump the knife between her figures at high speed.)
Ryoko: God damn, I’m bored! How long are we going to have sit on our
asses!? I wanna be out there kicking lizard butt!
Minato: (looking up from her magazine) There’s really nothing to do. The
lizards have pulled back to the Venus front and are holding there.
Ryoko: (still stabbing) They’ve just been sitting there for three weeks.
Why haven’t we gone on the offensive? All this waiting is driving me
nuts!
Prospector: (tapping away on his calculator) That course of action is
inadvisable at this time. Earth’s forces suffered heavier than expected
losses during the last battles with the Jovians. Both Nergal and the
military feel it would be best to use this lull in the fighting to
repair and reinforce the fleet.
Jun: (looks up from writing something in a notepad) I’m just worried
about the lax attitude around here. Technically, Megumi and Ruri should
still be on the bridge.
Yurika: (looks up from her romance novel) Relax, Jun. I’ve had Ruri
configure the ship’s systems to alert us her if there’s a problem. Since
we’ve been inactive for the past few weeks I don’t see the harm in
letting the rules slide just a little tiny bit.
(Yurika gives Jun her big eyes thing)
Jun: ( turning red) I don’t know. Rules are rules and—ACK!!
(Yurika has grabbed Jun by the cheeks and pulled them back into smile)
Yurika: Oh, don’t be so stiff, Jun. Let’s use this down time to have
fun! Come on, give me a smile!
(Jun somehow manages to make his stretched smile a bit bigger)
Jun: (in pain) Okay.
(Yurika let’s go of Jun and his face snaps back to normal.)
Ruri: (Not looking up from her hand-held video game) Baka baka.
Ryoko: (Still playing with her knife) I couldn’t agree more.
(We now pan a bit further down the table. Megumi is doing her nails,
Izumi is playing with a cat’s cradle, Seiya is building a model of some
giant mecha, Hikaru is surrounded by a pile of paper, inkpots, pencils,
crayons and other art accessories and is drawing something, Gooto is
playing with a kendama, Akatsuki is flossing, Ines and Erina are playing
a game of go, Akito is reading a manga, Gai is, you guessed it, asleep
in a puddle of his own drool. While we don’t see her, it’s a safe bet
that Howemi and the other girls are in the kitchen cooking up a storm.
Hikaru: (glances up from her drawing) Hey, Ryoko, if you want something
to do you can check out the first couple of pages of my dojinshi! It’s
got all these mecha pilots in it and they’re all totally bishonen!
Izumi: (playing with the cat’s cradle) We were somewhere around Barstow
on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.
Ryoko: (still playing with the knife) No thanks, Hikaru. I’d
rather—OW!!!
Ines: I wondered how long it would take for her to cut herself.
Erina: Just hope she didn’t lose anything we can’t reattach.
(Ryoko begins to curse loudly and colorfully. For the sake of any small
children reading we’ll not relate what she said. The noise, however, is
enough to wake Gai.)
Gai: (drowsy) I swear, officer, I meant to have pants on.
(Everyone turns to stare at him. Ryoko even stops screaming long enough
to give him an odd look.)
Gai: What?! What are you all staring at?!
Others: (deadpan) Nothing.
(We cut back to Ryoko whose hand is being bandaged by Jun)
Ryoko: Well that killed five minutes. Maybe if I chop off an arm we can
fill up an hour.
(Gai hears this and gets that maniac look in his eyes)
Gai: Bored, are we? Don’t you worry, kids. Gai’s got the solution to
boredom right here!
(Gai reaches into his jacket, pulls out his trusty video disks and hold
them aloft. Behind him one of those cool background deals pops up)
Seiya: (grumbling) Not this again.
Gai: Don’t be a stick in the mud, grandpa! This is one of the most
brilliant shows to ever grace the airwaves. The men behind it all were
pure geniuses!
Akatsuki: (trying not to laugh at Gai) A grown man acting like this over
an old TV show. How childish can you get?”
Megumi: (indignant) Akito happens to like this show too. If he enjoys it
I’m sure there’s some value in it we’re just not seeing.
(Gai jumps into Megumi’s face, that crazy look still in his eyes. She
recoils)
Gai: Exactly! At least someone here has an open mind.
Akito: (tentative) Gai does have a point. It’s a great show and I think
you’d all like it if you’d just give it a chance.
(Gai runs over to a video display and pops one of the disks in)
Gai: (to Akito) Forget talking, kid. The only way the squares are going
to get it is if we show them!
(The lights go out and everyone turns to watch the video screen. They
maintain bored expressions. Akito, however, watches with a blissful
smile on his face. Next to him, Gai is watching with a ear-to-ear grin
on his face. He’s also shoving popcorn he got from somewhere into his
mouth at a mile a minute)
Gooto: I don’t understand this at all. If the parrot is—
Gai: Will you shut up?! Can’t you just enjoy it for what it is!?!
Akito: Gai! Gai! Pay attention! The best part is next!
(Gai grabs a remote control and pauses the TV)
Gai: Oh man, I love this next bit! (grabs Akito) Come on, kid! We must
prepare to watch something as fantastic as what lay ahead!
Erina: Prepare? Prepare for what?
Jun: (sighing) You’ll see.
Seiya: They going to put those costumes on, aren’t they?
Prospector: (fiddling with his calculator) I’d say the odds of that are
about 100%.
(Gai and Akito renter wearing overalls and flannel shirts and carrying
axes)
Yurika: (big eyes) Oh, Akito looks so cute in that outfit!
(Ryoko and Megumi look at her and fume)
Gai: Hey, kid, you wanna sing along with me?
Akatsuki: (horrified) They’re going to sing?! Someone shoot me now!
Akito: (embarrassed) Uh, Gai, I really don’t know. Singing really isn’t
is my strong suit.
Gai: Relax, man. Talent doesn’t matter if you’ve got enthusiasm!
(Gai hits the play button and the music starts)
Gai: Come on, kid. Just start me off and I’ll do most of the singing.
Akito: (still uncomfortable) Okay.
(Akito gulps)
Akito: (singing) I never wanted to do this job in the first place! I...
I wanted to be...
Gai and Akito: A LUMBERJACK!!
(piano vamp)
Gai: (singing) Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty
rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
Akito: The Larch!
Gai: The Pine!
Akito: The Giant Redwood tree!
Gai: The Sequoia!
Akito: The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
Gai and Akito: We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
Gai: Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work
all day.
(We now cut the chorus. The male members of the Nadesico are dressed as
Mounties, while the women are dressed as Maidens, complete with blue
dresses and cheap blonde wigs)
Maidens: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he
works all day.
Gai: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lava-try. On
Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties: Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to
the lava-try. On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin' and has buttered scones for
tea.
Maidens: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he
works all day.
Gai: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I
put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild
flowers. He puts on women's clothing and hangs around....in bars???????
Maidens: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he
works all day.
Gai: I chop down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra. I wish
I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.
Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels suspendies?? and a
.... a bra????
Gooto: What's this?
Seiya: Wants to be a *girlie*?
Prospector: Oh, My!
Jun: And I thought you were so rugged!
Akatsuki: Poofter!
Maidens: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he
works all day.
All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy....
(Suddenly and pot comes out of nowhere and nails Gai on the head)
Gai: Ow! What the hell?!
(Howmei pokes her head out of the kitchen)
Howmei: Keep it down out there! You’re going to make my bread fall!
(She sees everyone in their costumes)
Howemi: What are you people doing out here and…why in the world are you
all dressed like that?
Ines: Good question. How did I end up in those awful outfit?
Gooto: (examining the Mountie hat) I still don’t get the bit about the
“ex-parrot,” but I like this hat.
Gai: (outraged at Howemi) Look, lady, we’re just trying to have some fun
here. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cast of Gekigangar 3 burst in dressed as Spanish Cardinals. Ken is
Cardinal Ximinez, Akira is Cardinal Biggles and Joe is Cardinal Fang)
Ken: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons
are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons
are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no...*Amongst*
our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear,
surprise.... I'll come in again.
(They exit)
(Cut to Admiral Misumaru sitting behind a news desk)
Admiral Misumaru: And now for something completely different. Well, not
really. It’s pretty much more of the same tripe you’ve been reading for
the last few pages.
(Cut back to the mess hall. Except for Gai and Akito everyone has
discarded their outfits and gone back to doing whatever it was they were
doing. Gooto, however, is still wearing his Mountie hat)
Gai: (Enraged) Philistines! Don’t you see the wonder and the glory!?
Don’t you see the unparalleled brilliance that is Monty Python!?
Akito: Relax, Gai. Just remember…
(Akito clears his throat)
Akito: (singing) Some things in life are bad they can really make you
mad, other things just make you swear and curse, when you've chewing an
life's gristle, don't grumble give a whistle, and this'll help things
turn out for the best.
(Gai perks up)
Gai and Akito: And always look on the bright side of life! Always look
on the light side of life!
(Two pots hit Akito and Gai in the head)
Howemi: I said keep it down!
Gai: (muttering) Barbarians. Nothing but barbarians on this ship.
(Suddenly Izumi walks in-camera dressed Viking gear, complete with a
helmet with horns, a spear and a shield)
Izumi: (singing) Spam! Glorious Spam! Wonderful Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
(Howemi again pokes her head outside the kitchen)
Howemi: I don’t like spam!
Gai (esthetic) At long last! Another person who gets it!
Akito: (sighing) And she’s a total nutbar. What does that say about me?
(Then Ruri walks on camera dressed as the Minister of Silly Walks. She
is, however, not walking in a silly fashion. She stops and looks
directly at the camera)
Ruri: Baka baka.
(Theme music raises and the credits roll)