on 3/20/2000 8:08 PM, K-chan at katranna@yahoo.com wrote:
**Note: The events described in this fanfic take place
around the end of the fourth volume. I know the fifth
volume completely changes everything, etc., etc....
Just wait until you get to vol14... other events change things further. :)
on their search for the Shikon fragments. He didn't
do it willingly -- he'd grumble and protest and
complain -- but he did it. He really was nicer than
Maybe a quick joke or mention that "And if he didn't do it, then one sit and
he falls to his knees to do it for me." :)
afternoon. Well, Kagome did have her illness to worry
"illnesses" would be more appropriate, since Kagome's grandfather seems to
go through the medical book to find the latest excuse for he disappearing
off the face of the planet. :)
From the very beginning, from the day she was first
transported to his world, he did nothing but find new
means to make her miserable. Some guide. <<I can't
believe I'm stuck with this assignment again. I've
served many Travelers before, but none like *you,* >>
Akio's taunting voice came back to her, and she could
just see his impetuous smirk. <<You don't even look
like a girl, let alone a Princess. I have no idea why
they chose you. I bet *I'm* going to have to do all
the work.>> Tomomi bit her lip, and tried to ignore
the salty pricking behind her eyes. Even in memory,
that hurt. But why should it? She had proven him
wrong, hadn't she? She did her best to learn the
magic, and even the Protectress complimented her on
her performance in the last battle. Yet it was never
enough, not for him. <<Not bad, but Riina could've
done better. Now *she* was what a Traveler *should*
be like.>> Well, so what. So what if Riina was great
with magic, and beautiful, and had wavy tresses that
fell to her knees. She wasn't Riina, and like it or
not, she was the one Akio had to deal with. Just as
she had to deal with him. Sometimes she thought he
hated her. Then again... he did save her that time,
even though it cost him the Takara belt. And he
almost got himself killed, but he refused to surrender
until he made sure she was safe. Come to think of it,
there were many times he put himself in danger.
Surely, it meant... But then, he was probably just
doing his duty, protecting the Traveler. She was
crazy for thinking Akio could care. Not him. <<Heh.
You're such a tomboy, and your hair is even shorter
than mine! I hate girls with short hair!>> No, he
was a complete jerk, and she was wasting her time even
thinking about him. She...
Think this paragraph could be a bit shorter. Maybe break it up into two or
even three. Also, it's a bit confusing at first who's thinking this because
parts sounds like Kagome and Inuyasha. Maybe mention who's thinking instead
of the 'she' at the beginning of the parag4raph. Unless you were
intentionally trying to fool the reader into thinking it was Kagome thinking
at first. Then leave it alone (but it still seems too long for one
paragraph).
Because she was Pretty Fighter Suki, the Magical
Girl, and no matter how ridiculous that sounded, it
was her job. A job without holidays, weekends or
vacations. A job where quitting simply wasn't an
option. When she'd agreed to take the title, she had
no idea what she was getting herself into. Of course,
she watched the Magical Girl shows on T.V., so she
knew a little about what to expect, but real life
never turns out the way you expect it to. Unlike the
T.V. heroines, she had no guarantee that she'd survive
the next fight, or that a Super Special Final Attack
would be presented to her at the last minute to save
the day. So why did she accept the job in the first
place? Why did she keep on going? Suki considered.
Well... because, in spite of the stress, in spite of
everything, she really did love it. She loved the
rush of adrenaline that accompanied all of her
battles, she loved the power that her alter ego gave
her, she loved the fact that the world depended on
her--her!--for its safety. When she was Pretty
Fighter Suki, she was in control. For someone who,
throughout her whole life, had been average, that
feeling was a delicious, intoxicating drink that
thrummed in her veins like so much liquid fire. And
it wasn't as if the job didn't have other advantages.
Her partner, for instance. Suki smiled wickedly. Say
what you will, but Magical Girls get the *best* love
interests. Night-dark hair, jade-green eyes, and a
body to die for. She didn't know his name, and he
didn't know hers -- that was the way it had to be --
but it just made him more mysterious. And mystery was
quite... tantalizing. Now if only all the bad guys
could go off somewhere and leave the two of them
alone... But she hadn't had time alone for a while
now. She didn't even have time to study, which was
why she was stuck in summer school. And which was why
she appreciated these scant moments of quiet all the
more. They...
Another long paragraph... readers need to breathe too. :)
"Suki!" Kagome waved a hand in front of her face,
sending her unfinished thoughts scampering to the
corners of her mind. "Were you listening?" Seeing
Suki's dazed expression, Kagome smiled and shook her
head in mock exasperation. "I guess not. Well, I've
got to get going. I still have... um, chores to do
around the temple, and gramps gets grumpy when I'm
late." *Not to mention Inu-Yasha!* she added
mentally.
You used << >> to indicate thoughts earlier and now * *... might want to
stay consistent.
A nice little piece that makes you wonder what all those nameless managa
characters do when they are off panel. :)