I'm not normally one to comment on things but this fanfic has definately
driven me to comment.
My first major complaint is that the story seems to rush on incredibly fast
and does a whole lot without true character development, more like character
transformation in my eyes. While you've got a great idea for a fanfic you
really need to expand it out a bit and take it a whole lot slower. What
you've written really could and should take up several more chapters than
you have written. You also need to put in a lot more conflict between the
characters on a personal and public level. It seems to me that conflicts are
resolved way too easily like there is a readily available answer just
waiting to be grasped. Remember most importantly that no decision comes
without consequences.
Another major problem I have is how you so easily allow the Martial Arts
skills of Ranko/Ranma to just fade away. To put it bluntly it is always
harder to build yourself to a point physically that it is to stay at a
certain physical status. Or in other words it takes a whole lot of work to
get to the top of the hill, but once your there you don't have to do as much
work to stay at the top of that hill. Ranko/Ranma spent over twelve years
training as a martial artist, taking a month off is not going to lower
Ranko/Ranma down to Akane's level of training. Mind you the lack of practice
could pose problems with other characters such as Ryouga but not enough to
make it physically impossible for Ranko/Ranma to mop the floor with Ryouga's
face. Ranko/Ranma's training was mainly dedicated to getting better, if it
were switched over to maintaining that current level of training then the
amount of time spent practicing could be seriously cut back.
Another major concern is the fact that your starting practically in the
middle of the Ranma 1/2 continuum. This wouldn't be so bad except your
changing a lot of characters to the point that they don't fit with who they
are. Your also not taking advantage of available plot devices open for grabs
and your leaving lots of pertinent information out such as:
Why would Genma and Soun even consider letting out Happosai from his imposed
vacation.
Why would Happosai even consider doing something totally against his nature
by turning Ranko into a boy, or even helping Genma and Soun because they
locked him in that mountain. More than likely Happosai would have stolen
Ranko and raised her to become his ever vigilant futuure love slave or
something even more perverted.
The Neko-ken could be something even more insidious such as a way to make
Ranko forget ever being born a girl. Something that tramatic would tend to
cause the mind to block out anything remotely related to the trauma.
Forgetting about cats would effectively block out any substantial memories
of Ranko's past.
Genma, How many stupid mistakes can one man make with a child? He's had more
than his fair shair in my opinion and it's time to pay the piper now.
Ok now on to character analysis
Dr. Tofu/Kuno/Kasumi/Soun:
These characters seem alrighty and are pretty true to who they are.
People in general:
Most people are just plain difficult and judgemental. Not everyone is going
to be accepting of Ranko. Especially girls who might think that Ranko is now
going to be the spy for all of the guys.
Ranko/Ranma:
She's been raised to be a man among men. A person always falls back on what
they know to guide them to the solution they seek. Even when Ranko decides
to become a girl again full time she would still be a tomboy. Learning new
personality traits and beliefs takes a lot of time and effort. Even then:
where is the revulsion, self doubt, and soul searching that helps the
character find the ultimate truth they seek. Every person has doubts and a
situation like this would make anything remotely approaching a doubt
skyrocket to the moon and back. Then there is also the Apprehension at
knowing the inevidable is coming. Why would Ranko so willingly give up akane
as a fiancee even to gain back back her old best friend? Seems to me if your
going to start in the middle of the Ranma 1/2 continuum you have to accept
the fact that Ranma loves Akane and vissa versa. The decisions made by
Ranko/Ranma should have great consequences to go along with the great
rewards. And why should the chaos go away, wait till every Jusenkyou cursed
victim finds out about Ranko's miraculous cure.
Akane:
She is way to helpful right off the start. Even though she gains back her
best friend has she even considered what she is loosing?
Ukyou:
She is determined to marry Ranma/Ranko one way or another. I doubt she would
be so forgiving or friendly on finding out Ranma's/Ranko's decision to be a
girl.
Shampoo:
She wants her Airen and she is determined to get him by hook or by crook.
The only help she would be offering in my opinion is a way to stay a guy.
Mousse:
Why isn't he chasing Shampoo? Maybe the author of this fanfic should just
replace him with Mike Myers as Austin Powers as Mousse for a little
comedy(just kidding guys).
Cologne:
She has invested a lot of effort into claiming Ranma. I'm pretty sure she
wouldn't let him go that easily. And since when did the Chinese Amazons
become a center for abused women. Their basic belief system is that women
are superior to men. Why would she want to help Ranko?
Ryouga:
Well Ranko/Ranma isn't much of a threat to him anymore. But still Ryouga has
that personality where he'll be back to blaming poor Ranko for everything in
no time.(Nice touch making him think like Kuno for a second though)
Nabiki:
Way to nice, she extorts from everyone even her family, so what should it
matter to her whether it's Ranko or Ranma?
Genma:
Loving father, moron, or just plain evil? Either way he has a lot to answer
for and his choices should come back and bite him in the butt.
Nadoka:
Just 3 words to start: "PANDA SKIN RUG!"
She is a traditional Japanese woman. How come this makes me feel like
nominating her for mom of the year?
Happosai:
This guy went way out of character turning Ranko into a boy. Not to mention
where is his revenge on Genma and Soun?
Well I hope I haven't offended the authors of this fic, but you really do
have a lot of work to do if you want to make this an even better fanfic.
Robert Vasas
icq# 19219903 Jet Storm/Ataru